A/N: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters/locations related to the franchise. That all belongs to the wonderful J.K. Rowling. I hope you enjoy the only thing I do own...the plot. Also M rating for language and possible sexually explicit scenes (really just wanted to be safe with the rating).
-TNHGTNHGTN-
The rest of the holiday was spent with Hermione desperately avoiding her roommate. It had gotten to the point that Hermione refused to leave her room even to eat. On several occasions she had almost convinced herself to find Nott and Malfoy and apologize. To ask them to explain. Everytime she got to the door she paused and lowered her head to rest on the wood. Before she could even grab the door knob she was always assaulted with the same memories. A blond boy smirking while spitting out that horrid word. Mudblood. Had he really changed? Was he really willing to throw away sixteen years of prejudice? Furthermore, what proof did she have that he was? It made the most logical sense that he was using her...that they both were. Four months did not make up for six years of torment.
As for Nott...the boy who never said a single bad thing to her...he never said anything good either. It would make sense he had been playing his cards right. Holding them close to his chest, until the war ended. Who knew what side he had really been on? She didn't. She wanted to believe they had changed, that Pansy Parkinson was a liar. But that lingering question always surfaced before she could find them and ask them their side...what if Pansy was right? Was she really willing to risk her heart to bet on him? On them? She wasn't sure. She knew that she was getting bad again when she realized that it had been a couple days since she had showered. Waiting until it was half two in the morning she grabbed her towel and clothes and tried to sneak into the common room.
She noticed that Nott was sleeping on the couch as if he had been waiting for her to come out, and she couldn't help her heart breaking slightly at the tired look he wore even in sleep. She was thankful all they had done was kiss the other night, and tried not to think about how hurt she would have been if she had let Nott convince her to do much more. Trying not to let it get to her she crept across the floor to the bathroom before casting several silencing charms on the room and locking it up tight with a couple locking charms.
After she had a quick shower, she dressed and crept across the floor again. She noticed that in the firelight dancing across the room he was using her Gryffindor blanket, and felt a twinge of guilt for having given it to him. She didn't want to take it away from him, because it did look like it helped him sleep and she wasn't heartless. She, on the other hand, wanted to purge thoughts that led her back to Nott and the last four months they had shared as friends. So, she went back to her room and took one more strong sniff of his blanket, she folded it and laid it gently as if it were made of glass on the table next to him.
She then raided the pantry for a few crisps, creeping back into her room before eating them and crawling back into her bed. The sheets felt significantly more lonely without the aid of his scent allowing her to drift to sleep.
-TNHGTNHGTN-
Once everyone returned from Christmas break Hermione made sure to always have Harry or Ginny walk her to class or to get food. Neither asked what had happened over break, but they weren't thick enough not to notice the way Hermione would keep her head down during class, or that she had once again retreated to the table in the back of potions so she could be alone. More than once Ginny had tried to start up game night again, but Hermione was stiffly against that, at least for now. She promised they could begin game nights again at the end of February.
Hermione ignored the shooting glances that Malfoy and Nott would send her way as she sat down away from them in Arithmancy and Ancient Runes. After Arithmancy she would practically sprint away from the class so Nott wouldn't catch her alone, and a couple of times she had to actually hide in empty classrooms so he wouldn't find her. Nights in the common room were the worst. Every night without fail he would come to her door and ask if she would be joining them in Rowena's Study. She wouldn't ever answer and he would always end his question with a dejected, "we miss you," which would always cause another crack to puncture her heart.
It wasn't until February that she had to finally admit why she was so upset with what had happened. It wasn't like this had been the first time she had been manipulated by the Slytherins so she was unsure as to why it was causing her to break down so often. She had spent more times trying to catch her breath in the past month than she had her entire life. It was during Charms one bright and sunny Friday that realization crashed through the walls she had built to try and protect herself.
"Ok students. I know we stopped working on the Patronus charm a couple of months back, but since we have all had such a wonderful last few months I would like to go through each of you and see if we can't give it one more attempt before your N.E.W.T.'s. Line up," The students did so, and she watched as most of the students were able to conjure at least incorporeal Patronus'.
Nott summoned his easily and was greeted with oohs and aahs from fellow students. It was Flitwick's reaction that really took the cake though, "A raven, how beautiful! You know, they say that Ravenclaw herself had a raven as a Patronus. I always thought you should have been in my house, you were always so clever-" Hermione rolled her eyes as the praise continued. Eventually, their short Professor came to stand in front of her and prompted her to make an attempt with a large smile that caused a mouth full of teeth to appear from the scruff of his long beard.
Hermione searched her memories to find the right one, and nearly fell over when her happiest memory surfaced. It was the morning after the infamous kiss, watching Nott successfully cast his Patronus in the wee hours of the morning. When all the world slept except for him and her. In her mind's eye she watched the triumphant look that passed over his normally stoic features. When she remembered the breath ghosting over her hair as he said 'thank you' when he thought she was still asleep. She felt a warm glow fill her chest as tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. Tears of pride. The darkness that would have covered the memory with Pansy's sneer and dark words couldn't touch it. It didn't matter if he had lied to her to get her into his bed. She had enjoyed being there and loved witnessing the purity of his first success. There was nothing that could take away the feeling of watching someone she cared so deeply for succeed in something they wanted to do.
Smiling to herself she whispered the incantation, and was so happy when the spell conjured a corporeal form that she didn't notice what it was until she heard a collective gasp. When she looked for her otter, she was shocked that her otter was nowhere to be seen and instead flying around Theodore Nott's head was a raven. It was smaller than his, but she knew what this meant. It meant the same thing it did when Professor Snape had a Patronus that mirrored Lily Potter's, and when Lily's Patronus had partnered with James Potter's. She dropped her wand arm, and the spell slowly sputtered, but not before trying to land on Nott's shoulder. When Nott finally looked back at Hermione his face was a bright pink and his eyes were searching hers.
"I am sorry Professor," Hermione whispered before walking as quickly as she could to the back of the room. In a rush she gathered up her bag and ink and quill (she had stopped using the self inking one since she had used her money on their gifts). She didn't look back as the students started to whisper. She didn't look back when Harry called her name, or when Ginny tried to tug her to a stop. She didn't look back because she couldn't see the looks in their eyes...in his.
"Granger?" Nott exclaimed from the back of the room. She ignored him and walked out the door. "Damnit Granger stop!" She couldn't love him! She couldn't, not after everything he had done to her. But you do. A small voice echoed in her mind as her footsteps bounced off the corridors. Even if she did, it didn't matter because he didn't love her. So, she might as well bury that thought deep in the recesses of her mind. She could get over him...in time. And if she couldn't then she did always have a thing for cats. She would just live alone in a flat with a hundred cats. The thing that mattered was that he had manipulated her and she couldn't trust him, and if she couldn't trust him then she couldn't be with him.
She could hear him trying to catch up to her so she decided to use some of her delinquent knowledge and rounded a corner she recognized. Taking one look around she ducked behind a familiar tapestry before entering a secret passage that the Weasley Twins had shown her fifth year. "Fuck!" She heard his frustration as she leaned against the wall that had closed behind her.
"Theo, mate." It was Harry, "What happened between you two?" He prompted stiffly. She could tell from the sound of his voice that he was trying to keep his anger in check. It had been a while since she had heard his 'big brother' tone, and it brought a sad small smile to her face.
"I don't know...I-she...something happened with Pansy over the holidays. She came back to the room with a gash on her head and she had been crying. I offered to heal it and next thing I know she wouldn't let me near her." Nott's voice was rough with emotion. He was either a very good actor or couldn't keep his walls up...Hermione was betting on the former.
"I wasn't really referring to her ignoring you this past month. Is it safe to assume you know what a matching Patronus means," Harry demanded, it sounded like he had pulled Nott closer to the wall. Possibly to get him out of the way of the crowds which were starting to make an appearance if the clatter of noise was any indication.
"Yeah, I already knew I loved her. Matching her Patronus just made it obvious to everyone fucking else," Theo sighed out. A very good actor indeed, she thought to herself. She could imagine him running his hands down his face like he always did when he was frustrated. She held back tears as she thought of how she wanted to comfort him. But it was all a lie she reminded herself.
"What? No you idiot. Hermione's Patronus is-well was an otter. You didn't match hers….she matched yours." Harry stated as if talking to a small child.
"She-She never told me what hers was. How was I supposed to know?" If possible Nott sounded even more frustrated. "No...that can't be right...she doesn't. That doesn't make sense, why would she be avoiding me then?" Hermione assumed that Harry had shrugged, because Nott continued, "We have to find out what Pansy did. I can't keep doing this." He sounded so weak and broken that Hermione almost rushed out to hug him, but then she remembered who he was and what he was and buckled down, biting her lip and squeezing her fists to keep steady. They must have moved away from the secret passage, because Hermione didn't hear anymore of the conversation. She waited several minutes in the dark in order to get better control of her breathing before following it up to where it let out near the Great Hall. She was about to go back towards the common room when Ginny rounded the corner.
"Hermione! I've been looking everywhere for you." The fiery redhead bounded up to Hermione with a smirk on her face, "They are serving shepherds pie at lunch today...your favorite!" She gushed, grabbing hold of Hermione's arm as she tried to drag her around the corner.
"That's OK Ginny. I am just going to study in my dorm." Hermione pulled her arm out from Ginny's and began to walk back towards her common room. Ginny grabbed her again and started pulling her towards the Great Hall, looping her arm around Hermione's and locking her arm around at the wrist.
"Hermione, we haven't seen hide or hair from you in almost a month." Ginny stated, locking her hazel eyes on her friend and looking at her seriously, "You have to come and eat. If mum saw you like this she would have a fit, you look thin as can be." The redhead emphasized her point by poking the brunette in the side, "You can study later." Hermione tried to pull her arm out of Ginny's again, but Ginny had years of Chaser experience on her side and pulled her down into the Great Hall against Hermione's struggles. She couldn't help but glance at the Slytherin table and was greeted by a very smug looking Pansy who was snuggled up against Draco's side. Draco was currently laughing at something Nott said, the blond's arm firmly wrapped around Pansy's waist, as Nott smiled and continued animatedly regaling his story
It all but confirmed Hermione's fears. She hesitated for a moment while her chest constricted. She stood for a couple of seconds while Ginny waited patiently at her side, squeezing her arm in a reassuring way. Hermione took a couple of deep breaths before raising her head as high as she could bear. She was Hermione Granger, and she was done having her emotions manipulated by two slithering snakes. She walked over to the Gryffindor table and tucked herself in between Harry and Ginny. Leaning her head on her spectacled friend's shoulder hoping he wouldn't question it. Like the brother Hermione always thought he was, he wrapped his arm around her in a show of silent support. Harry lent down and gave her a small kiss to the top of her head before returning to the conversation surrounding him as she ate a few bites of food, and tried to smile at the right places. She could tell by the concerned glances Neville kept shooting her that her smile never reached her eyes.
"Hermione," Ginny urged from her side, "Do you want to talk about it?"
"No," Hermione sighed from as she leaned heavily on her brother, "I don't think it would matter anyway." The redhead nodded, before scooping up another portion of shepherds pie and giving it to Hermione.
"Mum always said there wasn't a sadness that wasn't overcome with good food." Ginny smiled as she took a bite of her own mash.
"I miss your mother, remind me never to skip Christmas with them again."
"Deal!" The redhead agreed easily as the conversation flowed around them. When they left the Great Hall Hermione walked with Harry to Herbology, thankful for the class without the Slytherins. She wasn't sure if she could have taken another class with Nott now that Harry had spilled the beans on how she felt about him. Not that she really minded. It didn't matter anyway. Because he didn't love her.