Ezra was grateful that Vin had kept his word about keeping most people away for the day, although apparently that didn't apply to everyone. Hardly any time had passed before Josiah was tapping at the door and entering without waiting for permission.

"You are looking a sight better than when we settled you in here. Guess a bit of familiar home comfort was what you were missing."

"A sparse,leased chamber above a tavern scarcely qualifies as home for anyone, and comfort is at best a subjective term which fails miserably as an apt description of this situation."

Josiah chuckled lightly. "Sounds like your doing better as well. Oh, don't get that pinched up look to you Ezra. I know you need your rest, and I won't be bothering you for but a minute. Seems though that you have been labouring under some false assumptions, and that won't do."

"I see Mr. Tanner has been swift in discriminating the nature of our discussion."

"He's worried about you. We all are."

Ezra snorted in a most uncharacteristic manner and it caught Josiah so totally off guard it took a moment for him to continue.

"We can't force you to accept the truth Ezra. We can try, but if you don't want to there's not much we can do except work at proving it to you. While you were at the church barely a minute went by when one of us wasn't with you. And since you've been awake, we've been doing the same when we were around. You never saw me 'cause you were sleeping like a baby every time I came by."

"How convenient for you."

He had promised himself, and the others, he wouldn't lose his patience, but Ezra was sorely testing that commitment. "Like I said Ezra, can't force you to believe me. Until you lay to rest those demons inside you that keep telling you that you don't deserve to be happy you just won't be able to accept friendship when it's offered. That's a fight you have to win on your own, but that doesn't mean we aren't gonna be propping you up and rooting for you." Josiah stood and headed to the door. "You want anything before I leave?"

There was a barely noticeable shake of the head. Sighing, Josiah pulled the door closed behind him, wondering if he had made things even a little better, or possibly considerably worse.

The rest of the day passed with Ezra getting very little of the much needed rest. Part of the blame rested in the interruptions. Contrary to what he had anticipated, he hadn't been left on his own. Nathan kept checking in on him, although few words were spoken. Ezra wasn't in the mood, and Nathan figured he'd said all he could already.

JD, on the other hand, could hardly stop talking when he came by. Ezra tried briefly to reassure him that no words were needed. After all, he had been the only one to express anything even remotely supportive when Ezra had left town – a show of support and friendship that had both surprised and heartened the gambler.

The young man's concerns went beyond just his own part in this. "The others all feel bad about this Ezra. Chris thinks he should have listened, and Nathan says he shouldn't have been so fast to judge. Even Vin and Josiah are feelin' bad about not being here when everything happened. And Buck – hell, I've never seen Buck so down about anything. Even Chris says so, and he's known him forever. Things just aren't the same in town without you around Ezra. It's just not as much fun. Of course, people aren't losing as much of their money at poker, but some of us ain't even happy about that. Guess we're all a bit loco. Ezra? Ezra? You awake?"

Closing his eyes and snoring lightly was the only escape option he'd been able to think of. He had a hint of remorse (an feeling with which he had only a passing acquaintance) about conning JD but rationalized it as being for the good of his health. Hearing the door close a moment later Ezra risked opening one eye. Ah, the blissful silence of solitude.

During the frequent periods he wasn't wrapped in the arms of Morpheus, he was distracting himself trying to sort out what he thought he knew to be true and what the others tried to convince him reality was. He didn't generally enjoy being left alone to his thoughts. It was fine when he had plotting and scheming to work on, or immediately after a profitable venture, but as a rule dwelling on reality rarely tended to be an enriching activity. And when nothing he was trying cope with made any kind of sense to him, the experience was just so much worse.

The scenario being presented to him served only to add to his confusion. Could it really be that these people were ready to forgive him? Or, more accurately and even harder to fathom, didn't feel he had done anything that needed to be forgiven? Well, didn't do what they had accused him of anyway. Try as he might, he hadn't been able to detect a false tone in any of the discussions. As difficult as it was for him to wrap his mind around the notion that they were all sincere, he was slowly coming to the conclusion that there was no other explanation.

Gratifying, and bewildering, as that was, it didn't solve the bigger problem. There was one member of their ensemble who clearly had not forgiven him for his role in helping to create the vixen that stirred all the trouble. And why should he?

Ezra was well aware from personal experience how beguiling and tempting Annabella could be. When she turned on that charm she was essentially impossible to resist, and she knew it. Her natural talents had been augmented by the education she got from the Standish mother and son team, making her a truly formidable force to be reckoned with. And she had used that power to manipulate and destroy Buck. Public humiliation aside, the genuine hurt was going to take some time to get past, if he ever fully did. If the tables were turned, and Buck been responsible for causing him that much pain Ezra knew he would feel the same anger and resentment. Anyone would.

Ezra shifted in his bed again. The restlessness and discomfort weren't entirely due to the assortment of healing injuries. This sensation was a rare phenomenon in his life. There had been at best a handful of times that he had experienced these feelings. The physical expressions were bad enough; the tension in his muscles, churning in his stomach, dull throbbing of a headache. But more powerful were the intangible manifestations. Unease, dread, agitation. As bizarre a concept as it was, there was only one explanation he could come up with; he was suffering from a guilty conscience.

How many times had he pulled cons like this one where he was playing with emotions and charming his victims, only to be long gone by the time his duplicity was discovered? Avoiding all the unpleasant aftermath of the damage he had done.

"Honestly Standish," he rebuked himself, "it isn't as if you weren't aware of the trail of destruction you have left in your wake. Stop being foolish – this is no different."

But it was different, and to deny it was futile. The only person he would be conning was himself – not for the first time in his life.

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Buck stood at the foot of the stairs looking up. He figured he'd been there a good ten minutes by now, maybe more. How long would it take, he wondered, until someone came over to find out what the hell he thought he was doing? He knew he was being watched. There were plenty of patrons who had to be curious about what was going on, although most could probably make a decent guess at the answer. JD and Vin certainly had been keeping their eyes on him as well. Neither was particularly subtle about either.

It was only a few steps, then a short walk down the hallway. He could cover the space in a matter of seconds and get down to taking care of what needed to be done. If only he knew what that was.

No. That wasn't it. He knew what he needed to do; he just had no idea how to go about it. How do you apologize to a man you damn near got killed because you just weren't thinking straight? How do you ask him to even consider forgiving you after you threatened to kill him yourself? Drew on him for God's sake? How do you even start?

"If you're waiting for him to come down here, you'll be a while."

Buck didn't react to Chris's words. He didn't know how to do that either.

"He needs you to go up there Buck, but not for the reason you're stewing about."

"Figure I should wait 'til he's strong enough to take a swing at me, at the very least. Seems kinda mean to give him the target when he ain't up to taking advantage of it."

"You think that's what he wants?"

He shrugged. "It's what I'd do."

"In case you hadn't noticed, he's not exactly like us."

There was no denying that. "So he'll find another way to balance this out. He sure has hell has that right."

Chris moved from behind Buck, turning him in the process to be able to look him in the eye. God, he hated dealing with stubborn people. Especially when they were being this thick headed.

"He doesn't blame you Buck. Said he'd have done the same in your place. See, he figures he doesn't deserve to have us trust him, even though at the same time he seems to be trying to give us a reason to."

"That's crazy."

"That's Ezra."

Buck stared at him for a moment before looking back up the stairs. "No. That doesn't make sense Chris. I gotta find a way to make him understand all of this."

"If he does, he'll be the only one who can say that. I don't get it. I still can't quite figure how we all messed this whole thing up so bad, but we did. That's all of us. So, march your ass up there and talk to him. Things won't get better overnight, but we gotta start some time."

Swallowing hard, Buck nodded and slowly began his mission.

He stood in front of the door, taking a deep breath in before knocking lightly and entering.

"Mind if I come in for a minute Ezra?"

Yes, very much. Ezra did not feel up to this discussion today. He'd had enough talk to last him for some time from the others. And he hadn't come close to resolving the question of what he was going to say to Buck. But instead of saying any of that, he weakly waved his guest in.

"Please, take a seat Mr. Wilmington."

Buck hesitated. He didn't really want to sit down. That made this all feel too casual. Too friendly. At the same time, he didn't want to say or do anything that might make Ezra feel his wishes or feelings were being ignored. Damn, he was really no good at this kind of thing.

"Of course, if you prefer not to remain, I absolutely understand. You have completed your obligatory to review of my status. That was a generous gesture under the circumstances, and it would be unreasonable of me to expect anything beyond that."

"That's not why I was hesitating Ezra. Damn, for someone who's not supposed to be talking you sure can flap your gums." He spun the chair around and straddled the seat. "Why don't you just let me do the talking for a bit?"

When he got no response, he took it as acceptance. "First thing I guess is to explain why I haven't been comin' around in the last few days."

"Mr. Tanner informed me that you and he were out of town."

"Yeah. We were kinda finding a way to say thanks to someone who did us a big favour."

"Noble."

Buck fidgeted in his seat. The moment had come. "Ezra, I got no right to ask you to make things easy for me, but this would go a lot quicker if you would just let me say what I came in here to say."

"Allow me to spare you this arduous task. As soon as I am able to travel, I will be leaving Four Corners. While none of the others have demanded I take such action I am certain their restraint was as a courtesy, to allow you to issue the edict."

Something didn't sound right there, and it took Buck a moment to sort out what was off.

"Why the hell would we be asking you to leave?"

"I would have thought that was self-evident."

Oh, God. Chris was right. Frustration drove Buck to his feet as he paced to control the exasperation. "This isn't your fault. It's mine. Ours."

No response came. He paused his prowling and stood staring out the window, searching for something to say that could break through the barricade. It was clear that Ezra wasn't going to accept the possibility that others were to blame for all of this no matter how obvious that fact was to everyone else.

"Why Ezra? When we are the ones who turned our backs on you, why in God's name do you figure this is on you?"

"Do you read books Mr. Wilmington? I don't believe I have ever seen you with one."

The non-sequitur threw him. "Uh – no. Not much. JD likes them adventures, but I've never really cared for wasting my time that way."

"That is a shame. There are many excellent stories and valuable lessons that can be found on the pages. Had you ever had the opportunity to enjoy a novel entitled Frankenstein it might have spared us this discussion."

"Ezra, I get that you are way smarter than me – hell, than any of us, but just this once can you try to dumb it down for me?"

"No, Mr. Wilmington. Never mistake education for intelligence. I do not deny my more extensive for vocabulary and knowledge of matters ranging from mundane to esoteric, but I can assure you I am decidedly not smarter than any of you." It was his turn to wait for a response but when Buck failed to provide one, he returned to his literary allusion.

"Like the title character of the book, I too created – or at a minimum played a significant role in the creation of – a monster. Granted, one with considerably more charm and appeal, but a monster, nevertheless. And like Dr. Frankenstein, I have paid the price for my hubris."

"Plain English Ezra."

"Clarice Foster was my creation as much as it was Annabella's. And it is entirely probable that information on how to manipulate you and the others came, albeit indirectly, from me. In other words – in plain words Mr. Wilmington - the blame for everything that has happened here can be placed directly at my feet."

"With all due respect, that is the biggest load of bullshit I have heard in a long time. Seriously Ezra, what is the matter with you?" He held up a hand to stop the inevitably self-deprecating response. "You put on this show of being arrogant and confident and cocky as all get out, but this is the real you? I don't buy your spin on this."

"Your acceptance of the truth-"

"What truth Ezra? Only truth I see here is that a bunch of folks who are supposed to be upholding the law and doing what was right instead basically acted as judge and jury on you without letting you have a say. I came within five seconds of adding executioner to that."

This wasn't getting the job done and the temptation to walk out before he made things worse was almost irresistible. The fact that Chris, Vin and likely the rest of the team would all be downstairs and would kick his ass if he tried that was only one of the reasons he moved the chair back to the bed and sat down again.

"OK, let's try this again. We knew you were no saint when we drew you into this strange little group. None of us were. And the fact that you have things in your past that you ain't all that proud of is not news. We all have some."

"But there is the first error in your argument Mr. Wilmington. I have always taken a great deal of pride in my past. When it come to being unscrupulous, duplicitous and just basically underhanded, I have excelled. A fact I have always found gratifying."

"Until now. If you still felt like that, we wouldn't be talking like this. You'd be letting me try to apologize for being such a total jackass. I'd say that means you aren't the man you thought you were. Or that we thought you were."

Settling his head deeper into the pillows, Ezra closed his eyes. He was tired of all of this. He simply did not have the stamina to deal with it any longer. Between the pain, the lectures, and the overwhelming confusion, he didn't think he could take any more.

"I shouldn't be pushing you this hard. You get some rest and we can talk about this more later." He stood but didn't leave. "I know you don't think I need to say this, but I do. I never should have let myself get suckered like that. I was a damned fool, losing my sense over a woman. You and the rest of the guys deserve better than that. Like to be able to promise you it won't happen again, but truth is I can't always help myself when a pretty filly bats her eyes like that. So I will probably be stupid again. But I can guarantee you I won't be this kind of stupid. Whether you want to believe it or not, you deserve better than that from me. I'm gonna do my best to see you get it from now on."

Ezra didn't open his eyes until he heard the door close. His head was spinning in a whirlwind of turmoil and uncertainty. The last piece had fallen into place and the resulting image was diametrically opposite to all he had envisioned. Instead of ostracization he was being invited to stay. More than invited – encouraged. How had he so thoroughly misread the situation?

It all left him with only one conclusion, incredulous as it was. Josiah had been accurate in his assessment. He was incapable of accepting the idea he was worthy of having friends. He'd never really learned how to. Friends were just people you hadn't yet taken unfair advantage of. It was a maxim that mother swore by. "People don't really like people Ezra; they simply need others around to use. If you want to win, you make sure you use them before they can use you." The veracity of the assessment had been proven time after time in his experience, and the belief became ingrained in his nature.

Even this group he now found himself in was the same. He was drafted into the ensemble because he had a skill they needed, nothing more. His mastery of the art of deception was why they kept him around, and the moment he became a detriment to the team, he was unceremoniously ousted from their ranks. As was to be expected. Except it didn't end there.

To a man, they now wanted him to stay. Wanted to try to make this work again. Even more astounding to him was the recognition that he wanted that too. Casting his gaze around the room, a faint smile came to him. He was going to need to win some extra spending money as soon has he was able to sit at the tables again. A few accoutrements were needed if this room was to become his home.

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tbc