Chapter 22
To those who noted Chapter 22 was the same as 19, you are right! I would prefer it as 22, but I am not changing it. New Chapter 22 is below.
Micky slipped into the cold, swimming pool water. Swim teams and exercise lappers used the pool and preferred the water temperature at 77 degrees. Yes, it was cold, but Micky knew that she'd be warm after the first 50 yards at a moderate pace. At the end of the first lap, she let her mind wander as she kept the pace reasonable for another 100 yards before kicking it up a notch.
After Stephanie's disastrous attempt to return to skip-chasing, Micky had a casual discussion with Dr. Peter Roman, the Rangeman therapist. Due to HIPPA regulations, they had obliquely discussing Stephanie's regression.
As a surgeon, Micky had only a passing knowledge of mental disorders. She had studied them early in her career and received updates every few years as soldiers returning with PTSD, among other conditions, were often first noted by surgeons and nursing staff.
Micky had already discounted Stepanie having Dual Personality Disorder based on what information about her life years before and the time just before Albany. While Stephanie does have several symptoms, most people in crisis would show one or two.
Stephanie's PTSD could be due to her childhood events and her incredible short marriage, betrayal, and parental treatment. Life as a less than competent bounty hunter or skip chaser had put her in extreme peril numerous times, but she received no counseling. Her being trapped in the Adirondack cabin while seriously injured would be hard for anyone to endure, especially a Burg woman who had never been camping or survival skills.
She also showed Borderline Personality Disorder indications, trying desperately to fill the void left from lack of family and community support. As a result, she undertakes often risky behavior, either consciously or unconsciously.
A recently named phenomenon, Psychological Halloweenism, also fits her, showing how mental evaluations are often challenging to identify. Taking on a different personality to improve one's work isn't inherently wrong. But in Stephanie's case, the role-playing did not come with improvement. She had failed to understand role-playing did not automatically give one the added strengths, but only the desire for them. She wanted to be Batman or Wonder Woman but would not develop the skills.
Which brought Micky, and she suspected, Dr. Peter, to a similar thought, Dependent Disorder. Her avoidance to train and her feelings of inadequacy left her emotionally and often physically dependent on men. She was the damsel in distress, waiting for her knight to come in and carry her away.
From childhood, she received indoctrination to marry and be cared for by her husband. Women were incapable of doing little more than being a housewife and mother. The training worked on her sister, but did not meld into Stephanie's mind but did create an internal crisis. From childhood, Stephanie was confused. She was drawn to the rough and tumbled tom-boy life required of a super-heroine, but her mother vehemently disapproved, forcing her into activities she would subconsciously fail. In ballet, she was deemed uncoordinated. Cheerleading, she was a klutz. Ironing, she scorched the clothes. Cooking, she caused fires with is difficult with an all-electric kitchen.
Stephanie condescended to become a Jersey-girl wearing makeup and high heel shoes, earning credits with her mother as an introduction to finding a husband.
Her father watched her cycle back and forth between trying to be a proper Burg woman her mother demanded and the free spirit once typified by her tom-boy persona for ten years. When it became apparent, his younger daughter would not be a Burg wife to either Orr or Morelli, her father intervened. Stephanie asked Tank for training. For only the second time in her life, she stood on her own. The first time was when she walked out on Dickie Orr, ending her marriage. Moving to Newark, Stephanie was on her own, free of the Burg. She had separated the emotionally needy to a mature, thinking woman.
In her second attempt was like the first, without a man holding her up. She worked for Rangeman, standing on her own as he had for EE Martin years before. At Rangeman, she was free of Vinnie, thus away from Connie, Lula, and Burg gossip. She was not going to her parent's home for food and harassment.
All such self-esteem busters were driving her endorphin level down. One solution was her junk food cravings. A piece of pineapple upside-down cake offset her mother's harassment. Ben and Jerry's ice cream offset Joe Morelli's screaming at her. Even the pizza she shared with Joe at his home was countering her depression-fighting the Burg expectation of marriage and children. Post pizza was often an orgasm with Joe, another endorphin release. She was self-medicating with junk food and sex.
Her work was varied, meaningful, and suited her well. She was part of the team meeting new clients. As a researcher and strategic analyst, her mind was engaged in solving problems. Her self esteem and worthiness increased. Her endorphin level increased with mandated exercise. Stephanie's insistence she hated running was as much about her inability and humiliation in capturing 75-year-old men than in boob-bouncing or sweating. The Rangemen went out of their way to create fun activities. Paintball competitions, skydiving, challenge courses gave her body a good workout without the monotony of 5K runs.
Without sex for an endorphin release, the Rangeman Merry Men took her dancing. Twice a week, she accompanied a group that kept her busy on the dance floor and away from alcohol.
The food pyramid changed from sweets and fats to hot and endorphin inducing spicy. The Rangemen took it upon themselves to introduce her to chili peppers. For one raised thinking pepperoncini peppers were hot, she had a world to investigate, and the macho men of Rangemen were her guides.
Trenton and Newark restaurants, including Thai, Jamaican, Chinese, and Mexican, replaced Pino's and Shorty's. As she climbed the Scoville heat units ladder with increasingly hot chilis, her mouth burned, her eyes watered, and her mood improved.
But then came Albany. In a brief moment, she dropped her guard, trying to be the hero instead of asking for assistance. The result was her kidnapping and injuries. Her impulsive nature got her into life-threatening trouble. Only there was no man to save her. The fear, pain, and humiliation knocked her back in her emotional and psychological troughs of defeatism and self-doubt. When Ranger appeared at the Albany hospital, she latched onto him like a remora, feeding off his strength.
Micky glanced at her water-proof watch. Calculating her regular pace, she realized she had done 2 miles with the crawl. It was time for breaststroke and backstroke until she hit 3 miles. The man keeping pace with her in the next lane nodded. Ram, the Rangeman SEAL, was more than happy to be her water guard while Bink remained on the deck. The following water workout, the two men would switch places.
After returning to Haywood Street, Micky called Dr. Peter Roman, the psychologist, to run an idea by him. He listened carefully to Micky's plan. "Dr. Brown, if anyone can do it, it will be you. She is receptive now. A week or two ago, I would have said no."
0-
The gym door slammed open, and Micky walked in. "Hey, Steph," Micky began, "It's time to go Christmas shopping."
"We still have several days." Stephanie said as she rode the stationary bicycle. Micky noted Stephanie had disabled the screen with the exercise routine and only had the counter and low resistance engaged. Well, at least she was exercising.
Micky smiled, "I'm not a last-minute shopper. Bobby needs a new favorite sweater. The one he has looks like the wool larvae had a fiesta."
"He probably will want to hang onto the old one."
"Not if I burn it," Micky winked. "I thought you were always up for shopping. Didn't you say it was retail therapy?"
"Yeah, I need to get out for a few hours. The walls are creeping in again."
As per Rangeman policy, the women needed an escort. Micky still had her stalker in Arkady, and Stephanie had a whole city full of pissed off former captures. Since Albany, Stephanie was again resisting security, calling it babysitting. Micky insisted.
A stop at the food court was mandatory. Stephanie and Manny, the bodyguard, had hamburgers, fries, and shakes, none approved Rangeman fair. Micky went to a juice bar and ordered a concoction of spinach, pineapple, berries, water, no sugar or fillers. When she returned to the table, Stephanie looked surprised, "I thought you were eating real food now?"
"This is real food. I generally avoid high fat and high sugar foods. That's all I see at the food court. This is fine. I'm getting my vitamins and fiber."
"Wasn't there something at the Chinese place?"
Micky had the Rangeman ability to raise a single eyebrow. A trait Stephanie envied. "Have you seen the sodium content in that stuff? If I'm having one of my salt and fat treats, it's going on buttered and salted popcorn, not some deep-fried dough with mysterious vegetable stuffed inside. One has to save the forbidden for what one likes."
"You eat popcorn?"
Micky removed the straw from her mouth and answered, "Popcorn can be good for you if air-popped with no butter and salt. If I'm somewhat cheating, I use real butter and some salt. When I'm leaping from the good food wagon, I go for movie theater popcorn with the butter-flavored palm oil. There's a real artery clogger. Dang, now you are going to have me obsessing about popcorn. Maybe we can stop at the Cineplex, and I can run in for a bucket."
Stephanie giggled, "As Ranger would say, "That stuff will kill you, Babe."
"Says the woman who is eating over 1800 calories, 70 grams of fat. So are you skipping dinner and breakfast?"
Manny rolled his eyes and said, "She better not, she'll frighten the everyone with her stomach growls."
Micky smiled, "Growls or not, remember what I do for a living. I see the damage caused by years of abuse in even seemingly healthy people who eat junk."
"You forget, I live at Haywood. I have Ella now."
"I'm just warning for when you get away from Haywood, like today. The more you go out, the more you will be tempted."
Stephanie agreed it was probably right. "So, do you eat leaves and twigs?"
"Yeah, I guess I do now that I can eat again. Leaves, stems, fruit seeds, and roots make up most of my diet. It isn't bad with good choices. A blueberry smoothie for lunch is better than a giant bowl of plain iceberg lettuce."
"I'll drink to that," Steph said as she raised chocolate shake.
They sat quietly and ate their lunch, except for Micky, who slipped her purplish smoothie. To slow down and not finish before the others, Malika asked, "Where are you in your relationship with your family?"
Stephanie grimaced. "I talk with my father on the phone, but my mother won't talk to me."
"How does that make you feel?"
Sighing, Stephanie continued, "She has her problems right now. Helen Plum needs to find herself again before she can be my mother. We have a lot of roads to rebuild."
"Do you want to rebuild them?"
Stepanie stared at Micky as if to ask, "That's a crazy question. Every daughter wants her mother's love." But Stephanie thought for a minute. "The road construction will require her accepting me as an individual, not a Burg cutout. And I will have to see her for her flaws and accept them. We both need to understand ourselves and accept our differences before there can be love."
Micky was pleased. The therapist was helping Stephanie. "What about your sister?"
"Dad is talking with her, trying to wean her away from my mother's clutches. I'm hopeful because I miss my nieces."
There were still mountains to scale, so Micky put her proverbial climbing ax into the mountain's ice coating and asked, "Have you spoken with Joe?"
"Remember, we broke up. I'm sure he assumed we'd get back together, and then there was Albany."
"Is that why he came to the apartment after I moved in?"
"He was tired of waiting. I couldn't stay away from him for more than a few months."
"Sounds like he couldn't stay away from you either. Why did you keep going back?"
"I guess I was looking for confirmation."
"Confirmation of what?"
"I was loveable."
"Looking for love in all the wrong places…" Micky began singing softly.
Manny jumped in, "Lookin' for love in too many faces…"
Stephanie chuckled. "Between the counselor, I was going to before Albany and talking it out with you in the snow; I realized I was looking for acceptance and someone to say, 'good job' and 'I love you.' With Joe, I had a Burg-approved man, a friend, plus he filled my lust, but I never received his acceptance. I thought I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him."
Malika cringed. "OK, let's look at your former relationships. Were you in love with Dickie Orr?"
"Not really. I thought I could grow to love him. My mother kept saying he was a good man with potential. It turned out he was cheating scum."
Micky continued, "Next is Joe. You say you were friends and loved him but were not in love with him."
Stephanie nodded, yes.
"How do you define friendship and love?"
"What do you mean? Friendship is when two people get along, and love is love."
Micky waited for a better answer.
Stephanie squirmed a big, sighed, and began, "When two people have special feelings for one another…."
Micky moaned, "My God, it sounds like the beginning of the Birds and Bees sex talk. Did you read romance novels as a teenager?"
Stephanie shrugged, "I guess I did."
"And what did you learn?"
"Camaraderie, trust…"
"OK, let's start from there," Micky began relieving Stephanie of having to come up with more answers. If graphic novels were popular back then, she would have been a big fan. "Friendship requires admiration, trust, and mutual benefit. Did you have any of that with Joe?"
Stephanie ran through the three definitions. Admiration? Maybe a little. Joe became a cop. Trust? Did she trust him? Not really. It began with the garage incident, then Tasty Pastry. She and he never dated or even talked to one another in school. He was busy chasing after older girls, developing his lizard tongue. There was no long term friendship. Then when they met at the Ramirez incident, he fell back into the Tasty Pastry mode, and she was now a mature woman, ready to play. But was there trust? Maybe, a little. Then her father confirmed the suspicion with the pictures and blew trust out of the water.
Did Joe trust her? She gave him many reasons not to trust her; lies, evasions, and the constant pushback to marriage. Her infatuation with Ranger was another wedge in their relationship.
That left mutual benefit. Sexual benefits, yes. He was also someone who shared her horrible eating habits, yes. The enjoyed watching sports on TV, but never went to games or any restaurant other than Pino's. There was no deep feeling; at most, they were roommates with sex. "Shit," was all Stephanie could say. "No, there was little trust, and I didn't give him much to trust in me. I kept trying to convince myself we had no obligations to one another, an open relationship, but we were too open."
Micky knew Stephanie was thinking again. Once she returned to Trenton from Albany and into Ranger's protection, her brain started coasting as she would soon explain. "OK, let's move onto love. It comes from Eros, like erotic, and includes sex and passion. Is that what you had with Joe?"
Stephanie put her hands over Manny's ears, "I don't want you spreading tales, Manny."
Manny smiled, "Sweetheart, as a Texas gentleman, I appreciated your concern. I'll keep your secrets." He continually looked around for his job as a guard. Fortunately, they sat near a wall, so he didn't have to completely turn every few seconds.
Stephanie kissed Manny's cheek, "This will be embarrassing for me. Thank you."
Turning to Micky, she began, "We had plenty of sex, but it was never with heart-filled feelings. It was only sex, playful gorilla sex with orgasms, but his needs came before mine. Near the end, it was routine, no longer playful. Plus, I never trusted Joe hadn't been visiting others, so I made him wear a condom. I knew he wanted to start a family, but how could I do that unless I insisted on blood tests. Plus, I was never sure he hadn't sabotaged his prophylactics. I insisted he uses the ones I bought."
"Was there passion? Bodice-busting, button popping, or panty-tearing passion?" Micky asked. "Did you spend hours worshipping each other or did you worship his cock?"
Manny sat listening while ever vigilant as their security. He was engrossed in how women talk to one another. It wasn't much different than men, but with more lady-like words. Bodice-busting?
Stephanie realized she hated Joe's eagle tattoo on his chest and hairy ass; otherwise, his body was excellent, and his manhood was the best feature. Then she thought about Ranger. There was nothing wrong with his body from his sexy feet to his silken hair. Of course, the manhood was the best she had encountered. Joe's lovemaking was bang-bang, whereas Ranger's varied from sweet, thoughtful to lustful. Ranger could spend the night worshipping every square inch of her body and mind as she could him. No, there was no passion for Joe, just fucking. Stephanie didn't answer Micky. Her sour facial expressions were enough.
Malika spoke again, "Joe wanted you to marry him. Pragma is shared goals as in marriage. You've told me he had his goals, children, for example. You disagreed with them."
"His goals were not mine. He wanted a housewife, maid, chef, and baby machine as well as one who would not embarrass him in the Burg. I tried marriage. It isn't for me. I wanted companionship and a career, not children or clean windows."
"Let's summerise, Eros may bring people together, but Phila, friendship, and Pragma must be in the mix for lasting summary, you and Joe had a sexual bond, though not a fulfilling bond. You never shared goals but were lazy friends. What does that sound like to you?"
Stephanie chewed on her lower lip. Time and again, she told herself she loved Joe but was not in love with him. Now she realized she didn't even love him. If it weren't for her mother continually throwing him in her face as the Last Great Burg Man, Lula referring to Officer Hottie, the Burg consensus Joe was an Italian Stallion, and her need for sex, she would have tossed him aside or, better yet, never gotten involved. "Fuck buddies," Stephanie sighed. "He was just fucking me."
Micky did her single eyebrow rise again, "Are you sure it was just him? Some people treat love like they are fishing. They bait a line with something attractive and delicious to attract a fish. But the bait is deceptive, promising something that can not be delivered. A hooked fish is smothered, gutted, thrown into the freezer. Only when the fisherman is ready to eat does he or she remove it from the freezer, fry it, and consume. Who was the angler, and who was the fish in your relationship with Joe?"
"I don't understand."
"You based your relationship on deception. Joe baited his hook with sex. Once married, he would bring you out of the freezer and expect babies. If he wanted to marry you, he would have proposed early on. You wouldn't need deception, you would have jumped at the opportunity to be Mrs. Morelli. On the other hand, you baited your line with maybe you'd bear his children. You dangled your fishing line and lure in front of him for years."
Micky said quietly, ready to bring up the concept she and Dr. Roman had discussed. "There is more. You were looking for someone to hold you up. Your mother filled your head, insisting you needed a man to succeed. The Burg echoed that sentiment by meddling in your private life, pushing Joe Morelli as a husband. He was Burg. You, Stephanie Plum, were incompetent. Your only hope of redemption was to marry and be supported by a man.
"But you wanted to be independent and stand on your own. What did you do to get there?" Micky paused a moment to let Stephanie think before resuming. "You married Richard Orr, why?"
Stephanie shook her head. She didn't know why. Yes, her mother pushed the man at her, but why had she agreed?
"Back in the cabin, you waxed about him being an attorney. What did that mean to you? Position? Money? Prestige? Or was he your way out of the Burg? Dickie had plans of being elected to Congress. Your sister had married and moved to California. Dickie was your escape. He was fishing for a complacent Burg wife who would keep her mouth shut about his indiscretions. You were fishing for a ticket out of the Burg."
Stephanie looked at Micky like a lost child waiting for rescue.
"When the marriage fell apart, the job in Newark allowed you to start testing your wings. It was your first step towards a new life, but you came crawling back to the Burg. You could have gone anywhere else, but you came back here. Six months without a job, you were desperate. You find a job as a bounty hunter. It sounds exciting, better than being a wife with children. Your mother is trying to find you a new Burg husband. Then you find Joe Morelli. Suddenly you another way to gain the prestige you had marrying Dickie Orr. You could be the wife of Detective Joe Morelli. As his wife, you wouldn't get out of the Burg, but he could help your career as a bounty hunter. With prestige, your mother and the Burg would respect you."
"If this is true, what about Ranger," Stephanie asked with a hint of acid.
"You met both men within a day or two. One was familiar. The other was an expert in the field you chose, a bounty hunter. Both could support your job. When Joe began balking at helping you, you turned to Ranger. Ranger wanted you to succeed, but you wouldn't take the training? Why?"
Stephanie shrugged.
"If you took his training, you would become proficient and lose your connection with Ranger. You liked having the handsome, buff man come to your rescue, like a damsel in distress. Sure, you could capture the low-level crazies and barely keep your hamster in kibble, but to become self-sufficient with a nice car, house, and retirement, you had to get better. No, it was easier to play off Ranger and his men, use them to hold you up while you thumb your nose at the Burg. This time you were the fisherman, but you were fishing for both Joe and Ranger."
Suddenly the last few fries in Steph's meal weren't looking too good. Steph could decide to eat or throw the rest away. In a quiet voice, she said, "Ranger sent me back to Joe."
"This is the case where the big, strong fish upended the fisherman. He tipped your boat over. Yes, he saw you would not become the strong woman he needed to stand beside him. If you had stood your ground, accepted his training, gotten better, there would have been no need to crawl back to Joe's bed to gain your prestige. You retreated, again, as you did when you left Newark."
Stephanie's head was still staring at the table, trying to review her life from a new angle. Was she using Joe and Ranger to boost her up? It was only it that she would have left Joe immediately and gone with Ranger until she got strong. But she didn't do either.
"There is one other reason Ranger sent you back," Micky whispered. "Ranger was afraid."
Stephanie's head rose quickly, "What! Was Batman afraid? "
"He is not a superhero. He is just a man who has never been in a relationship. He doesn't know how. He felt inadequate for love. Like you, there was trouble in his family growing up. There was no love in his first marriage. You had no love with Joe either. Neither of you understood what it takes to make a relationship.
"He built himself to be the best athlete, the best soldier, and keep the best men with him. He didn't understand what was happening to him. So he fell back to what he knew, training a recruit; Harry Higgins and Eliza Doolittle. But you fought him. That also was new to him. If men fought him, they were out the door as….incompetent. Your Deal with him was the best and worst thing to happen to him. He realized he had deep feelings for you, but you were not strong enough for his life.
"What you don't realize, Stephanie, is you are the weak link in his armor. He's very aware of death and mourns every single man he has lost or was seriously injured. But he knows if you die or are seriously injured while with him, it would undo him. An unwound Ranger puts his family, daughter, his men, and all of Rangeman at risk. You are his Achilles Heel."
"Then why is he still here? He should have left."
"He did. After Scrog, he ran. After Abruzzi, he ran. He considered exchanging Core Teams with Miami or starting the new office in Texas. Ranger can not stay away from you. He wants you with him, but he has enemies. Anyone associated with him is in danger. His daughter has security. His parents have protection. You have trackers you know about, some you don't."
Micky sipped the last of her purple smoothie before continuing. She needed to swim back to her distressed damsel argument. "Maybe you don't realize you've been keeping yourself the distressed damsel, using Ranger the way you tried to use Joe and wanted to use Dickie.
"How dare you," Stephanie shot out.
"Before you go all Rhino on me, let me finish. There's nothing wrong with wanting to hold your middle finger up to the Burg, being your own person. But you have to do it yourself, not by using someone else.
"Realize, once you cut yourself free, you become an outcast. You don't like the way the Burg gossips about you now. They will turn on you as a traitor if you do blow them off. No more eating at Pino's, or shopping at Giovinchini's, or Tasty Pastry. The seeds have already been sown. Have you considered some of your car fires and creative paint jobs weren't criminals' work, but maybe Burg residents who hate or envy you? You have to ask yourself, do you want to remain working in the Burg?
"Ranger will never be accepted in the Burg like he is elsewhere in Trenton and beyond. He remains here because of you, waiting for you to come to him. If you want him, you have to accept his life and all the inconveniences it brings. If not, go back to the Burg, back to your job without the man you love, and his support."
"So, I will never amount to much?" Stephanie asked dejectedly.
"I didn't say that. You can be great, you were showing it before Albany, but now you rely on Ranger to support you again. You have to decide. Are you going to be the scarecrow who needs the stick for support standing alone in the field or are you going to accept without serious training you'll never be a great bounty hunter? You were working in the business section of Rangeman using your brain, the best thing you have going. You do not have the physical skills to be on the streets with the crazies. A great line from one of the Clint Eastwood movies, 'A man's gotta know his limitations.'
Turning back to Stephanie, Micky said, "OK, enough of this. I haven't talked about this much in ages. I vote we adjourn to the nearest bar, dive head-first into several margarita pitchers, get shit faced, and cry on each other's shoulders like the intelligent women we are. Then Manny can take our drunk asses home."
Manny smiled to himself; yep, girls are a little different. Guys would go to a bar, throwback tequila shots, and start a fight but go home friends.