The sun is starting to rise as I stare at Joel's old broken watch. It's been over a year since that night at the theatre and I'm still recovering. I can't sleep through the night, I can't eat. It just feels wrong to move on when Abby is still out there. There was no justice. I get up from the bed when I hear J.J crying in his crib, "Hey buddy. What's wrong?" I coo at him as he cries a little. Marley and Leo had their baby a few months before Jesse and Dina had J.J. Marley and Leo named their baby girl Adeline Amelia Marlene Perks for both Amelia, her mom and Marley's full name which I just found out is actually Marlene. I'm at Jesse and Dina's farmhouse right now, mine is down the hill from theirs and Marley and Leo come out often to visit. They prefer to stay in the comforts of Jackson. They stayed the night here as well, since we all hung out last night. They must have taken Adeline out of the crib already. Before I head downstairs I go into Jesse and Dina's workshop. Photos of Lia, me, Jesse, Dina, Leo, Marley, Jesse's parents and Dina's sister surround the room. They hung up a photo of J.J I drew on the wall and even a drawing of Lia and Dina. I make sure to come here every morning I'm here to look at my old pieces. On their desk they have individual pictures of each of us that Dina insisted on taking. My eyes stop at the photo of Lia. I remember this day- she has a bow in her hair that Cassie insisted on putting in and she's sitting at a desk with her head sitting on her propped hand, a small tightlipped smile on her face. I set it down before heading downstairs.
"Dina! Jesse!" I call out to them.
"We're in the kitchen!" Dina shouts back. I walk in and they're dancing in the kitchen. I smile at them.
"Hey. You need any help."
"I wouldn't if this guys would stop distracting me." Dina retorts looking at Jesse.
"I think my fine dancing skills would make up for it." Jesse says back and Dina rolls her eyes.
"Ellie, do you mind changing the music?" Dina asks me. I nod and head over to the record player. I have to readjust J.J in my arms so I can pick up the Crooked Stills record. Jesse and Dina keep dancing and I dance with J.J. I wish Lia was in here so I could dance with her. She always loved to dance.
"Oh Ellie, I think I left Ollie outside on the tractor. Do you mind going outside to get him, and then I can finally finish the chores and Jesse can go do his?" Dina asks me.
I nod, "Yeah, sure thing." The sun is still rising in the horizon and the view is amazing. Because it's not winter anymore the view is all water, grass and mountains. When I get to the tractor I find Ollie. I sit down on the tractor and look at the view with J.J, "It's pretty right?" I tell him, "You know what, I'm gonna teach you how to play the guitar. When you're bigger. And you're not pooping your pants all the time." I look over at the sun rising over the mountain, "I tried with Dina and Lia once. They were awful. I got a lot of stories to tell you when you're older. Much older. Adeline too. Get ready to have Jesse, Dina, Marley and Leo try to set you guys up all the time. Of course Leo will be protective- he always was with Lia. Jesse's gonna joke about it all the time and Dina and Marley will be all for it. Just you wait." We stay sitting for a bit until I think it's a good time to go in, "Okay little spud, let's go inside." I walk along the tall grass back to the farm doors. I walk to the back doors to go and help Jesse put the sheep back into the barn. We were planning on going to Jackson quickly to visit Kate and Cassie, and Jesse wants to see his mom since her back is getting worse, so the sheep can't stay out.
"Hey Ellie, want to go get the last one? Bugger won't stay in." Jesse says as I approach him. I nod and hand him J.J. I approach one of the baby sheep who never wants to stay in the barn. He's standing next to a rake and other equipment, "Come on little dude." The sheep runs and knocks over the rake. The sound of it dropping makes me jump and I see Joel back at the lodge all over again. The shovel next to it drops and then I see Lia get shot. I don't even realize I'm screaming. The walls start to cave in on me and everything goes black for a little bit. I can't stop my breathing as I'm back in that hallway.
"Ellie!" Joel's voice calls out, "Help me." A gun shot goes off, "Just you and me." Lia's voice echoes in my ear. I'm trying get into the room but it's locked, "Joel! Lia!" I'm banging on the door, but it won't open. Why won't it fucking open? "Please no!" I scream.
"Ellie! Ellie stop! You're okay I'm here... Ellie!" I open my eyes and Lia's blue ones are staring into mine, "El, hey babe. You're alright. You're safe. I'm here." Her voice is soft and laced with worry. Her hand brushes along my cheek.
"I'm sorry. I don't- I don't know what..."
"It's okay. I get it." She tells me softly. I look behind her and Jesse, Dina, Leo and Marley are standing there. Leo is holding J.J while Marley is holding Adeline. Lia sits next to me and puts her head on my shoulder, "It's okay." She grabs my hand and rubs her thumb along the back of my palm. We stay there for a bit and Jesse, Dina, Leo and Marley leave to give us some privacy, "We don't have to go into town today if you're not up for it."
"No, no. It's okay, I'm good, just need to catch my breath."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Lia asks softly.
"I just, the rake fell and I saw Joel again getting his... and then I saw you in the theatre."
"Well... I'm here. Me and you."
"Me and you." I repeat softly, "I think I'm good now." I say to Lia and she nods. She reaches up and helps me up. We walk out to meet the others, "Did you find Adeline's toy?" I ask Lia.
"Yeah thankfully. Scout and Star were able to sniff it out." I nod at Lia and when we leave the barn we are attacked by them, "Whoah, stand down girl," Lia tells Star as she is attacked by kisses. Star is a Husky we found a few months back and I named her after Daniela Star; whereas Scout is a German Shepard we found right when we got back to Jackson and Lia named him. When we get out to the front they're all waiting for us with some horses prepared. We leave Scout and Star at Jesse and Dina's since it's too far to take them with us. Lia and I just share a horse since it's easier. We're not too far from town, but it's still long enough that we need horses to get there. Before I jump on ours I help Lia up onto the horse. She recovered well from the bullet wound, but she was already hurt before getting shot, so it's taken quite a toll on her. She was devastated to find out she's now infertile- not that we could have really had a baby easily, but she's upset that the option is completely gone. I think the turkey baster joke was a little more serious than she led on. She holds onto me as we ride into Jackson. She loves coming to visit her niece and Cassie and Kate. I often see Tommy and Maria, but it's a little more difficult now that they're taking a break. When we get through the gate into Jackson Cassie and Kate are waiting for us at the entrance. I help Lia off and she gives me a smile to say thanks.
"Lia!" Cassie yells as she runs over and tackles her in a hug. Lia smiles and returns it.
"Jesus Cassie every time I come visit you always get so big! Man you're gonna be a giant!"
Cassie giggles at Lia, "Soon I'll be taller than you!"
"I hope not cause then I can't do this!" Lia scoops up Cassie and swings her around. Cassie giggles at Lia as she spins in her arms. When Lia puts her down I see her lightly hold her stomach, but removes it quick before she thinks anyone can notice. Cassie runs over to Jesse and Dina since she absolutely adores J.J and Adeline, but she sees J.J less.
Lia walks over to Marley and goes to grab Adeline, "Now I've barely had time to be with my beautiful niece, so hand her over!" Marley gives her a small smile before handing her over. Lia has expressed her concern for Marley the past little while. She says that Marley has really bad postpartum depression and often doesn't have her lively sweet exterior she once always had. It's been hard on Leo too, so Lia always expresses her concern and tries to visit as much as possible. Leo went crazy when we got back and Lia was so injured. I've never seen him so scared before.
I smile at the sight of Lia and Adeline. She would be such a good mother given the chance. The one thing I hate about our relationship is I can't give her this. I can't give her a full family like Jesse and Dina or Leo and Marley. She always says that she'd always just choose me over that, but fuck it hurts to see the pain in her eyes when she found out she was infertile. Or those moments of want when we visit everyone. I've never been in love with anyone more than I love Lia.
I just wish I could get Abby out of my head.