my mom is home from hospital. it's very weird right now... here is just me writing... I accidently stress clenched enough to act up my carpal again. i wrote this in my casts because... my ego is so fucking fragile right now... like i just can't get a fucking job
He felt that he truly was missing things that he should know but didn't from how Mo Xuanyu spoke about the condition inflicting him. The way he said it so plainly how he should see the state of those around him like it was as obvious as breathing. But this also brought a question that came with the headaches whenever he grew annoyed with his companion.
Why did Mo Xuanyu know so much?
That's because
The stinging as his head pounded made it hard to think but after learning you could see cultivation he couldn't help the fascination of watching people and seeing the way Qi and energy swirled inside. With Mo Xuanyu it was like looking into a dried spring. The energy poured from his meridians and into that core so faintly compared to Jin Ling who was bright and pulsing and yet…
"It isn't symmetrical."
"That's what happens when the core runs out of balance."
"How do you know so much? You told me and yet I am still confused," Lan Wangji notes the nervous shifting Mo Xuanyu makes as he looks away feigning contemplation. "I know of your ex-communication. Does it have to do with that?"
And he can just feel from the tone and the way Mo Xuanyu nods his head and laughs, "Ah… well, I lived a hard life and I saw and learned much. There is a lot of awful things that come of this magic."
He wants to ask because he is curious and because he has wondered every day about the pain that cloyed and destroyed Wei Ying. He wants to but also he's afraid. Fear does not stop him from asking, "You are well studied. Do you know of what happened with Wei Wuxian? Why he fell as he did?"
"You mean why the man turned into a monster and was ready to slaughter and enslave the cultivation world?" It's so bitter. So venomous. Personal, even and he wonders if it might have been in some way. Mo Xuanyu might have been just old enough to have known some of the Jin sect members who had died. Might have even known in passing Jin Zixuan, "You want to know why? Because he was weak or perhaps simply evil deep in his heart. Because the method to power he took was always going to destroy him like that and devouring humans is merely a delay of the inevitable."
"You said it was not my morals that turned me. Then what? Was it different because of demonic cultivation? What?"
"When you make your bottles do you learn secrets? Do you feel with one more bite you'll learn something? Realize a truth that's just out of grasp?"
Lan Wangji swallows because he does know the feeling. The feeling when he would eat a Rabbit and the thought that the taste and blood reminded him and put him close to learning something. That if he just focused a bit harder he'd understand a long hidden truth. He tasted it in the blood and iron and felt it when the knife had glided across flesh.
He understood the idea. "It drives men mad with hunger. It consumes and twists them till they no longer resemble themselves let alone a human being."
"That destroyed Wei Wuxian?"
So bluntly Mo Xuanyu took a bite gesturing to Lan Wangji and Jin Ling, "That is what ultimately causes this. Though, someone has meddled with young Jin Ling for it to happen so young. Too much power and eating things he shouldn't have."
And once again the thought of seeing Wei Wuxian in that state screaming pain clawing at his skin with his broken body. Trying to cradle a head that extended far too much and to hold a pair of hands that shifted and cracked till they were claws. Till those golden scales and lovely green mandibles stared back laughing at him. He saw the way those feet broke into hooves and any attempt Wei Ying made to move was clumsy and tripping.
Delusional screaming for Jiang Yanli to come back mixed with hideous laughter. It was so horrid but somehow beautiful in the way a fire is when it burns and destroys. In the way, a sun might look when it dies.
In some other light, those wings wet and slimy on his back were probably beautiful.
Too much knowledge killed his love? Is that what he is to believe. Too much power and cultivation destroyed a light that shined so bright? He cannot believe such a farcical statement. He cannot believe that the curse that killed Wei Ying was being too gifted for his own good.
He knows it had to have been the darkness that made him inhuman. It was that path that made Wei Ying's body slowly fall apart as it had.
Lan Wangji can still remember seeing him in Yiling and watching Wei Ying adjust his robes and collar to cover his skin in places. Of wearing a straw hat and saying was because he'd been working in the field all day.
I saw it then. I saw it and he had hated me that much to reject me so
There are many times he wishes he had just said it out loud how much seeing the state Wei Ying hurt him. How he'd wished… The stranger in front of him and the events bring up so much pain to the surface. So much that just bubbles up and threatens to swallow him whole if he does not calm himself.
He's alone. Alone and he wishes more than anything that he wasn't. He wishes his chest didn't feel like an endless black pit that would swallow him whole.
"Lan Zhan?"
Mo Xuanyu's hand touches his and in reflex, he pushes it away, "Ahh, I'm sorry! You just looked so… So sad. Your face is grouchy, yes, but real sorrow doesn't suit your beauty."
"I truly could do nothing for him?" Was it always going to end that way? Was he destined to see Wei Ying suffer so horribly? He died alone and in pain. He knew it. He felt it. Every moment he felt that cry from Wei Ying's throat distantly in his chest till it became white noise holding him in his sleep.
"Honestly, for one that far gone death is a courtesy. He'd been living on borrowed time for a long while in all likelihood. Once the transformation starts all you can really do is delay it inevitably."
He doesn't register or care about the panic on Mo Xuanyu's face. He just knows that pit feels larger now. Darker and… and…
The same end will await A-Yuan. That child you struggled so hard to save and to keep will die alone in pain and you will die alone in pain.
"Lan Zhan?"
In pain. Alone
The thought hurts him. Tears at him. It boils blood and freezes him whole. "I was never going to be able to help Wei Ying? You say his end was natural?"
Alone
"Lan Zhan, calm down. Yes, it is a horrid way to go but overall that is simply the natural order-"
Useless
His hand grabbed out at Mo Xuanyu's neck. "You're lying. You're lying because it was the demonic cultivation. It was something the Wen's did to him! It wasn't his fault."
Claws dig at flesh. He feels so angry and scared.
"Lan Zhan, calm down."
"Stop addressing me so familiarly."
"Lan Wangji, please you're hurting me!" Those big grey eyes mocking him with their familiarity. That smile… that everything that reeked of Wei Ying in this stranger. "Please you have to calm down."
He tastes blood and he felt something chip in his mouth. "Tell me what it really was. What really killed him? What killed Wei Ying."
His vision is turning red even as those weak arms try to push him off and those legs kick. "Tell me! Tell me what did it," Lan Wangji's voice scratches deep and hard.
If you bite him, I'll tell you
He pauses.
I will tell you a secret if you bite him. No need to even swallow
Just a bit of blood
You want to know, yes? You want to know
Eyes blown he stares at the neck of Mo Xuanyu who's struggles have weakened. If he… if he hurts this man then- he throws Mo Xuanyu away and silently screaming as he pulls in on himself. There is blood on his hands shinning against the white and black from where he clawed into that neck.
Blood. He drew blood and panicked… He drew blood and lost composure and he's even sure entirely why. He leaves and tries not to look at the blood even as he tastes iron in his mouth.
Why?
Why?
What was wrong with him to lose himself like that?
He needs to wash away this red and lock the thoughts away. As he tries to find water Lan Wangji recites the rules in his head trying to be centered and calm. He dips away and the blood drifts away but the chill remains. The fear and loathing at his actions.
That voice.
What had been that voice?
The pain from where a tooth had broken in his mouth ached and he cautiously poked inside pulling the molar out whole when it came away like brittle chalk under his hand. He could taste the powdered tooth in his mouth and he held to not gag and spit it out on the spot.
…The only thing to wash it out as- quickly and then he'll spit it out. He just can't taste it anymore Lan Wangji thinks as he clenches and feels another tooth crumble in his mouth. He takes the water and rinses before gagging as it all falls to the ground.
It had been revolting!
But… he had tasted the blood. He'd tasted it and when he looked under his claws there was a hint of skin.
Two empty spots mocking him is his mouth and that little bit of skin and blood taunting.
I can tell you how to save your son
I can tell you how to reunite with your love
All you have to do is EAT
In horror, Lan Wangji washes his hand again and he keeps washing. And washing. He washes till they are red and raw so there is no way the blood belongs to anyone but him. Nobody but him.
That voice was- secrets- it offered secrets.
He returned remorse and asked of forgiveness, "I think… I heard it speak to me."
"It wanted you to kill me."
"Mn."
Mo Xuanyu reaches for him again and this time he lets the touch because he feels empty and cold; that voice haunting in his ears and he just wants to pretend there is something comforting here. Let him lie that it is Wei Ying but a moment. "Mo-Gongzi, as you expressed interest before would you let me embrace you tonight."
"I- what?" The blush over taking Mo Xuanyu's face vividly.
Would Wei Ying have blushed like that? He would have hoped. He just wants a lie. To be comforted by a good lie where he pretends this stranger was Wei Ying. To pretend that it's fine for him to be okay with the similarities and that he wasn't replacing or doing anything to hurt the image of his beloved.
This has all left his heart sore and raw. If left alone he feels he might do something stupid. "You did not hesitate that first night so I assumed you might be interested again?"
"I don't- I just-"
"Oh…"
"If I hug you all night will you stop looking like you'll suddenly die of heartbreak?"
"Mn."
Which was his way of saying:
Probably not but you just told me the love of my life was inevitably going to turn into a monster and die with nothing I could have done to help him; not to mention, a creepy voice just told me to commit cannibalism and really with everything I've been a little stressed. I may seem like an emotionally constipated rock but really I am like five minutes away from a breakdown right now and would like to just pretend you're someone I care about just so I can experience warm hugs and emotional comfort. Plus, you really remind me of Wei Ying and I just want to believe you're him and feel like he's not dead.
It's a profound language of minute sounds and sentences Lan Wangji speaks.
As for when Wei Wuxian said, "Yeah, okay. Sure, why not," and let himself be embraced.
It had meant something along the lines of:
Oh, god. How enthralled did I have Lan Zhan to warrant that kind of reaction? Dear god, did I somehow cast it strong enough for him to be convinced he was absolutely in love with me. Oh no, did I accidentally turn Lan Zhan gay? Did I fuck up that bad? No. No No. No no no no! Fuck. Fuck! How the fuck am I going to fix this? Dear god, I fucked up. Lan Zhan's not supposed to be in love with me. I thought it was just loyalty and now my worst fear has come true. Why couldn't I have just died in Yiling and avoided all of this hardship and absolute shame?
AND WHY ARE YOU SO GOOD AT CUDDLING LAN ZHAN IT IS NOT FAIR
Cuddled under these strong arms and wrapped in a hug Wei Wuxian thinks it really can't get worse…
Jin Ling is in the room and could wake up first
"My life is suffering."
"Shh… Sleep." Lan Wangji half mumbled snuggling into his shoulder.
Yeah… if Lan Zhan ever realizes what I did I am going to be torn limb from limb
But, for now, Mo Xuanyu… is a cut-sleeve interested in Lan Wangji… Wei Wuxian's cheeks redden. He can pretend that! He's a great actor. Yeah. Nothing weird or awkward here. Nope. Not in the least.
If I could I would scream.