Fifteenth part: secrets

Chris John Newman - Losing Sleep

I couldn't believe it was true, I couldn't believe it had happened. And yet I was there in his arms. I was huddled against his warm body . And you just had amazing sex! The days when we were at odds seemed so far away and I wondered why I had pushed him away so far away. He was my everything. I understood that by now. No matter how far I would push him, I would always be brought to him.

Days passed so fast since I was with Street. Each morning we went to work. He took his bike. I took my car. We had to be careful not to be caught. But it was hard not to hug or kiss during the day… I really liked feeling Street's body under my fingers, his breath in my neck and his tongue in my mouth. Sometimes I loved to wait for all the team to be gone and jumped over him in the locker room. I felt like a high school girl dating the bad guy her father didn't like.

What killed me the most was that I couldn't tell anyone how I felt. I had never experienced something like this. I was as excited as I was peaceful. I felt calm and happy. I had a goal, I knew what to do with my personal life and most of all I had someone to share. I was not as smiley as Jim. I saw what the guys were doing to him. I tried to remain serious an focused as I used to. It was not easy because I was happy. But I had to pull the wool over.

Several times, at the end of the day, I went to the locker room when I was sure Jim was alone and I locked the door. I needed to feel his skin under my fingers and to kiss, to hug him. It was a way to forget the crazy world we were living in….

I loved when we spent the night cuddling in the coach watching TV shows or movies. I never thought I would love to o that one day. I was always the king of women who liked to move and do things all the time. But with Jim it was different. I loved enjoying time with him doing nothing, just being together, side by side.

Some evenings he had to go to his house to pick some new stuff. And he always stayed with Luca to drink a beer or just hang out. And I was alone in my apartment. It was weird. I fought so long to remain alone, moved at the other side of the city, kept my feelings inside and now all I wanted was to spend all the time I could with him. Was I crazy? No… That just must be what being in love meant.

The other night, he came home with pizza, beers and a new video game! That was his way to wish us an happy anniversary. I had completely forgot it ! Already three months together. And it felt like we had always been together.

This night we made love. We were so connected I almost forgot where I was for a few moments. I lay my head over his torso when we were done. It was like a ritual. Each time, we ended our precious intimate moments I lay my head over his torso listening to his heart and he brushed my hair with his hand. I loved these stolen moments. I felt peaceful and I thought he felt the same. This night when we finally let our feelings out, it changed everything.

Months spent and we were still hiding our relationship. Things got complicated. We were acting more easily. We were closer and closer and nobody had to know… At least at work. I asked Jim to come with me to the annual barbecue of my uncle Sarzo. I knew it was a lot to ask, we talked a lo,ng time about being private but I explained to him it was important… I could go there with my best friend after all… He agreed to come but asked me if any member of my family was linked to the police. He was so cute when he worried about us. I liked to see his dimples growing deeper. The way he worried let me think he really cared about our relationship and I was glad to see I was not the only one to cherish our story more than anything in the world.

The next weekend, we went to my Uncle Sarzo's barbecue. Hicks and Hondo gave the whole team some days off. The last days at work had been very demanding and we were all very tired. This barbecue was the perfect place to take some good times away from criminals, gangs leaders and dealers.

I was so happy to see my whole family but I could feel Street was anxious. He didn't say a word since we left the apartment and he was looking at everything around us as if someone was going to erupt and see us. I didn't like seeing him like that. I took his hand and pressed it. He smiled at me and I smiled at him. We didn't need words to communicate.

I went first and entered the yard in front of my family's house. Uncle Sarzo, Auntie Lina, cousins Thomas, Maria and Angelica were already there preparing the barbecue. As soon as they call them, they all came to me and we hugged. I loved them so much! They had always been my rock... Even more after my mother and my father died.

I stayed with my cousins. We had so much time to catch. I didn't see the time fly. When I turned back, Street was not there. He remained alone in the bottom of the yard. He didn't dare to come with us. He was so scared and I let him alone. My uncle sarzo came to talk to me. He had always known when I needed to talk.

"So … This is a friend?"

His question disturbed me. I didn't want to lie to my uncle but I had to. If our secret was uncovered, it would mean the end of us as teammates and it was unbearable. "Yeah… This is Jim Street, my best friend I've already talked about him…"

"I see… This must be a very GOOD friend. This is why you bring him here with you." He winked at me. I knew he knew who Jim was to me. I also knew he wouldn't tell a word about us because I had never brought this kind of friends to his house. He walked away and went by Street. I didn't know what he told him but a few moments later, Jim joined the whole family. I was happy to see all the people I loved reunited in one place.

Time passed and I noticed Jim was still alone. He surely didn't want to stay too close of my family in case he said something that would compromise both. He came near me and brushed my hand. It was so sweet, so warm. I couldn't stop looking at him and at the moment, I didn't care if somebody saw us. It was just he and I.

From that moment, everything went well, even better than everything I had imagined. Jim talked with my cousins, laughed and even made jokes. I was discovering a new man. I let him alone. He needed to know the people I loved the most on Earth and needed to get to know them by himself. I stayed with my cousin Angelica an she told me about her new job in Universal studios, how the theme park was amazing and how she had just seen Sylvester Stallone the other day. I loved her. She was crazy, talkative, natural. I would have loved being like her. I had been like her and then, my parents passed away and I became more withdrawn, serious. Being with her helped me to remember the child and the teenage girl I had been and the woman I dreamt to become one day.

Tonight, when I lay near Jim in the bed, I understood at what time I was lucky. He managed to see who I really was. He managed to break my shell. He managed to make me happy. As I lay, he grabbed me and held me tight. We knew we had reached aother level in our relationship. From now on, no one could ever break us.