I don't know where the time went. One moment it's the first day of the program, and now it's the day of the intern exam. I was nervous. This test will determine if I have what it takes to be a doctor. If I fail the exam, I will either get kicked out of the program, or I'll have to retake this first year again. Fortunately, my resident allowed all of her interns to study for the exam days leading up to it. I felt good after turning my exam in. I felt like I did well on it. I guess I'll find out by the end of the day if my feeling is accurate.
We were either able to go home after the exam or work in the hospital. I decided to give myself the rest of the day off. When I arrived home, I walked next door to the Shepherds' house. I knocked on the door. I wanted to see how Nicolas Shepherd was doing since I've only seen him once since the shooting happened. I was surprised when I saw Amy answering the door. I don't even remember the last time I've seen her. She is so grown up now.
"Jesus Meredith, are you going to say anything or just stare at me like I'm an alien?"
"Sorry, hey. I'm shocked to see you. How long has it been?"
She shrugged. "How long has it been since you broke up with Derek?"
"I believe it was a mutual decision."
"Not from what I've heard. What do you want?"
"Well, I wanted to visit with your dad and see how he is doing. Can I come in?"
Amy rolled her eyes, and took a step back to let me in. When I entered I saw Nick sitting in the living room. I walked into the room and said hello to him. When he saw me a big grin formed as he welcomed me in. I took a seat while Amy ran upstairs.
"What time is it? Shouldn't you be at the hospital?" Nick asked.
"I was, earlier. My intern exam was today. It will determine whether or not I'll be able to continue in the program."
"Are you worried?"
"No, I think I did well on it. If, for some reason, I don't pass it, I mean it won't be the end of the world. I mean, it might be for my mom. She might disown me, but... Ever since I graduated med school a year ago, I've been questioning whether or not being a doctor is what I want. My mother my entire life has been pushing me to become a doctor. I'm just questioning whether I'm doing this for my mother, or I'm doing this because I want to, you know?"
"I think the question you need to ask yourself is if you enjoy the job."
I laughed at that. "I know absolutely nobody who actually enjoys being a first year intern. The hospital practically owns you. I just... don't want to spend years working to become a board certified doctor to only realize, oh, this isn't what I want to do."
"What would you do if you weren't a doctor then?"
"I don't know. Like I said, my whole life was set around me becoming a doctor."
"Did you ever have these thoughts during med school?" Nick asked.
"No. I enjoyed it."
"Maybe you're having these feelings because you're back home."
"Are you saying if I was in a program elsewhere, I'd be happier?" I asked.
"I don't know, would you?"
I stared at Nick trying to determine what he meant by saying I might be feeling like this because I'm back home. "Maybe I shouldn't have come back to Boston after all. I mean, look at Derek. He's happy in New York, right?"
"I cannot answer for him."
I sighed. "Enough about me. I came over to see how you're doing."
"I'm doing just fine, Meredith."
I stayed and chatted with Nick for an hour. Amy eventually joined us, and I asked her how college was going. While her dad was in the room, she refused to tell me what she was studying at school. But when he left she told me she's pre-med. I asked her why she's not telling her family that, and she told me they'd probably tell her she's incapable of getting into med school. Amy has never been the best in school after all. She wants to prove them all wrong.
As I was walking back home, I got a notification on my phone that the test results were posted online. I suddenly became nervous as I walked up the stairs to my room. I grabbed my laptop, and logged onto the website. I told myself no matter the score, I'll be okay. I took a deep breath, and then pressed "view scores."
Mom came home fairly early tonight. I was waiting for her to ask me how I did on my exam. She must have forgotten I took the test today because I had to mention it during dinner.
"Well, I got a 98.8%."
"You should have studied more to get 100%." Mom said.
"You're upset because I got a 98.8%? That's still an A."
"You're not understanding, Meredith. That 1.2% distinguishes between average surgeons and world-class surgeons. It will decide whether you work at a top ten hospital or number 100. It will determine if you will become a surgeon people from all over come to see or a nobody that nobody knows."
I laughed at my mom. "No matter what I do, you always have to criticize me. Most mothers would congratulate their child for getting a 98%. But my mother instead tells me to do better next time. No wonder why I've been questioning whether I want to be a doctor or not, you're questioning my competence."
"I'm not questioning your competence, Meredith. You are a very smart girl. I think you can do better if you put more effort into it."
"More effort? I'm already putting a full 110 into it. What more can I do?"
"I don't want to discuss this anymore." Mom said.
I got up from the table, put my plate in the dishwasher, and went up to my room. I'm just in disbelief with my mom. Maybe Nick is right. I shouldn't have come back home. I shouldn't have come back home because my mom is the reason behind me questioning what I'm doing with my life.
Maybe I should switch programs, and go elsewhere.
But where would I go?
OMG guys, so sorry for making you guys wait so long for an update. I've been getting too distracted lately from writing. I hope you enjoyed the chapter! I'm thinking there might be one chapter left, and a possible epilogue just to wrap everything up. I promise this time that I'll have the next chapter up sooner!
*** Also as a side note, in part2 ch. 4, I decided to change the names of Meredith's resident and interns in her group. Everything else about the chapter is the same. Nothing else was changed. ***