Chapter 24 - Deja Vu
Mac stood at attention waiting for Chegwidden to finish reading Dr. Taylor's report. He took his time and she honestly believed he enjoyed this type of torment on his senior staff, to leave them standing still while he gave his verdict. Thankfully the Marines had instilled that perfect stance although the heels sometimes made her teeter slightly. "So, Colonel? How bad was it?"
The last day of therapy had come and gone, she'd done her time, fulfilled his requirements and learned a lot about herself along the way. She was better for it although Mac still found herself sitting in a dark apartment a time or two when her thoughts wouldn't let her sleep. Of course, those thoughts were of Harm and she couldn't help but wonder if giving into him would eventually be the blow that killed her.
He loved her, she knew, that sentiment had been said the night of her engagement party, reaffirmed in the following weeks when she lay in his bed when he'd ask her to come to him. She was in love with him, irrevocably so but being in love didn't make things magically work. They both still had many issues to overcome and hers were of the trusting variety or lack thereof. In the end, she always expected the man she was with to hurt her in some fashion and Harm had done his fair share with words.
Mac straightened more before speaking. "Unpleasant at first but, I learned a few things about myself. This Marine would like to thank you, sir."
Chegwidden's head snapped up and his brows furled, he resisted the urge to roll his eyes. No one in the military ever enjoyed therapy, much less thanked their commanding officer for issuing such an order. "Thank me? Cut the crap, Colonel and take a seat." He scoffed at her comment and rubbed the bald spot on his head. "Look, I didn't know what else to do with you. I've been to therapy and found out it brought out some things I'd rather not dwell on...Skeletons in the closet so to speak."
"It did for me too." An image flashed of the little girl huddled in a closet, praying for a God that never seemed to listen to her. Her pleas always fell on deaf ears as she heard her father slapping her mother over and over. Mac shook her head and took a breath, "I knew I had past issues, thought I dealt with them fine on my own." She also thought that they didn't matter and hated when others used their past an excuse for current actions. "They dictated a lot of aspects of my life and I need to apologize to you. I need to apologize to Commander Rabb as well. He was doing his job and I acted like a brat in court."
"Nothing to apologize for, Mac. Just remember this is a job, eventually we move on from it." He motioned at her hand noticing the USMC ring displayed where a certain engagement band once was. AJ took it as a sign that she really was done with the Aussie and inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. "Brumby?
"Gone. For good hopefully… I'm... I." Mac opened her mouth to speak and the shut it again unable to bad mouth the man she almost married. She thought about her ex and the good times which could no longer outweigh the bad. It saddened her how marred that relationship was and felt like a fool for following blindly just because she didn't want to be alone. "I didn't see the signs until it was too late."
"None of us did, Mac. I liked the guy. Didn't think he was right for you but, I figured you knew what you were doing. You seemed happy."
"I thought I was. Funny how we settle for something less than what we deserve just because." She took a breath and let it out slowly, the fingers of her left hand absentmindedly tracing over where Mic's ring once was. "I would have been miserable. He would have insisted on me leaving JAG and everything I am just to be with him. And I probably would have followed along. I was weak." And Mic would have hurt her badly, she knew that now. Mac would have succumbed to the same pitfall as her mother.
"Story of my life, Colonel. I've had my own failed relationships. Live and learn." He heaved a heavy sigh as he closed her file and tapped a pen on it. There was something else he needed clarification on, a subject he would rather not have to broach but, he'd been preparing himself for since the beginning. "What is the...status between you and Commander Rabb?"
She grinned. "Figuring things out, sir. At least I think we are." Nothing else happened after that kiss in the rain but a few promises to see each other again although dates and times were never confirmed. And she wanted to see him. Mac wanted Harm kissing her again and other activities that usually followed such great kisses. "Our status as just working partners has changed… I mean. What I'm trying to say is that Commander Rabb and me… we're…"
"Together?" Chegwidden offered. "Romantically?"
Did one time together constitute a romantic relationship? Mac wasn't sure and they really weren't quite dating were they? "I ah.. I'm not exactly sure."
"Not sure? How are you not sure?"
Mac shrugged. "Well, I think we started dating… But then, we're taking it slow." It was really uncomfortable to discuss this with her commanding officer although he was the closest thing as a father figure in her life. Her answer made his eyebrows shoot up and Mac cringed at the onslaught she figured would follow.
"Slow?" Chegwidden sighed, MacKenzie and Rabb would be the death of him. "Colonel...Mac, slow is for people who haven't known each other as long as the two of you have. Now I know you've been through quite a bit, as has the Commander but... Take my advice, don't take it slow. Life's too short for that."
"What about work?" She furled her brow, knowing the military could be a hindrance for romance and the rules and regulations they needed to follow as officers would be quite the obstacle.
"I assume not much will change. He'll still push your buttons, you'll still get pissed off. He'll get in trouble and you'll bail him out...The two of you will still be my best team and when he puts a ring on your finger, I promise to help you figure it out."
When he puts a ring on your finger. The thought made her tummy do flip flops and although it was far too soon for that sort of thing, the idea wasn't unpleasant at all. "It's that simple?"
"It doesn't have to be complicated, Colonel." That gruff persona that Chegwidden was known for dissipated and in place came a soft, knowing smile. "I always knew the two of you would get close, I could tell from the day you met and that's not a bad thing. Commander Rabb is a good man, he has a Peter Pan complex I could do without but, his heart is usually in the right place." The smile quickly turned into a scowl and that thousand yard stare that SEALs were known for replaced any mirth. "Just so you know, if he ever hurts you, I'll make sure to break both of his legs."
Mac laughed. "I can do that myself, sir. Thankfully the Corps taught me well, even if the opponent is bigger than me."
Half an hour later, Mac stepped out of the office and practically rammed into Harm who was headed towards Tiner's desk with a file in hand. His arm came around her bicep to steady her and Mac's hand pressed against the wall of his chest. They stood motionless, each staring at each other with a silly grin until Harm found his voice. "Good afternoon, Colonel. I was about to send a search party." He motioned towards Chegwidden's office and avoided the fact that he'd been pacing outside for nearly a full hour waiting on her. "You cleared for full duty or do I need to step in and help out?"
"I'm free and clear and not a moment too soon, I was about to fling that stupid rubber stamp out my window if I had to look over another file."
Harm stared at her and the subtle difference that he saw in her expression. Mac looked happy for the first time in months and maybe a little more relaxed around him. He liked it and wondered if it was time to move things a little further. "Soooo…."
"Soooo…" She repeated, her smile kicking up a notch so that it brightened her eyes.
"Dinner?"
"A meal between lunch and breakfast?" Mac teased, giggling when he rolled his eyes and folded his arms across his chest in a very Rabb-like protective gesture.
"C'mon, Mac. Help a guy out here… Do I have to say the words?"
"Girls like the words, Harm." She knew her tone was much too flirty for the office especially since they were standing in Chegwidden's anteroom but, the coast was relatively clear and Tiner was too busy fielding calls to notice the two officers anyway.
He took a long, ragged breath and let it out dramatically as if it cost him something to ask her out. "Mac... Sarah, would you like to have dinner with me tonight?"
"Your place or mine?"
"Ladies choice."
"Yours." There was just something about his apartment that she liked. It was cozy, interesting and she felt safe there, safer than her own apartment. Mac stepped towards him and placed a hand on his forearm, it was the least questionable thing she could do given where they were but the twinkle in her eye made her intentions known. "And I'll make sure to bring my sea bag."
And then she walked away, hips moving in a way that they never did when she was in uniform. It was seductive and Harm's eyes drifted down to her six, appreciatively glancing at what the woman could do to such a drab uniform.
"Commander, when you deem it fit to stop ogling the Colonel, I would like to see you in my office." He cringed at the sound of Chegwidden's voice and the fact that he was caught in the act. He was, indeed ogling but then, what red blooded man wouldn't? "Now, Commander."
"Yes sir."
Hours later Mac sat in her car, staring up at Harm's building with trepidation as if she were walking into a lion's den. She was nervous and the hammering of her heart against her chest made her feel like a terrible panic attack was imminent. It had been months since she'd last been in his apartment, when Harm had demanded she come to him and Mac did out of sheer desperation. She needed him then and yet, she ran away as a result of miscommunication and the PTSD she refused to admit was wreaking havoc deep inside.
Harm didn't deserve any of the hell she'd put him through all because of her insecurity to really fall for him. She voiced that insecurity on her final session when Dr. Taylor gave her the good, and bad news - the sessions were over and she was fit for duty.
"This is your last session."
"Last? Oh." Mac had been happy when walking into the office that day, and the sense of elation that was once evident washed away quickly replaced with concern. As was her custom when apprehensive, she wrung her cover with both hands, twisting it until the tip of the EGA pierced her palm.
"You don't seem happy."
"I am...I just." Was there more to say? Some hidden agenda her mind was holding captive until the opportune moment to wreck her life. And what of the PTSD? Could it come back? "I'm scared."
"You don't think you can handle things on your own? You're a mean green Marine. Take charge."
Mac chuckled. It was amusing to hear her 'Marine spiel' thrown back at her. "This wasn't what I expected."
"It never is."
It had been enlightening and often depressing; terrifying but she learned quite a bit about herself. "I don't know how to thank you."
Dr. Taylor smiled. It was rare to be thanked by a client. "It wasn't me Colonel...it was you."
"Call me Mac."
"Mac? Not Sarah." The doctor found that odd given that Sarah was such a beautiful name and Mac sounded more like a mans.
She shook her head and shrugged. "Not very many people call me Sarah. My uncle Matt gave me the nickname Mac when I was little and it kind of stuck." Her father hated it as did every many she would become romantically engaged with. Eventually, all of the men in her life would call her Sarah but, there was only one who made her heart sore when he did.
"What do you prefer?"
Mac thought for a moment unable to hide a smile at how she felt when Harm said it. He didn't use it much only when adding a kind of emphasis to a conversation he needed to have a special meaning. "I'd rather be called Mac. Sarah is the scared little girl curled up in the back of her closet when her parents fought. Sarah is the woman who nearly married a man she didn't love because she was heartbroken and feared being alone."
Dr. Taylor cocked her head. "And Mac is the opposite?"
"No, not really. Mac is still me. She is still vulnerable but, she knows what she wants and is not afraid to go after it anymore."
"Harm?"
"Not just him. It's everything. Harm, my career. my life...None of it had to be good or bad, black or white it can just be and I can change the things that I want. Not everyone or everything is out to manipulate me. I have choices."
"Yes you do...welcome to the moment."
A small vase of white roses was on the dining table, another on the bar and yet one more on the coffee table, each offset by two white votive candles. Some soft jazz music played in the background and the smell in his apartment was making Harm's stomach rumble.
He stood in the center of the living room trying to find anything out of place and then there was a knock on the door. A chill raced down his spine and that tingly feeling of nervous apprehension made his palms sweat.
He threw the door open without even bothering to look and the woman on the other side took his breath away. "Hey. You look beautiful." Harm eyed her up and down standing with a dumbstruck expression as Mac remained on the other side of the door.
She did, indeed, look beautiful wearing a jean jacket which covered the blue blouse that plummeted down her chest. A wrap around black skirt stopped somewhere above her knees, the wispy material exposing one of her thighs as Mac shifted from one leg to another on calve high boots.
He suddenly felt severely under dressed wearing a simple black buttoned down shirt and well worn jeans. That was when his brain decided to start working again, reminding him that Mac was still in the hallway holding her uniform in one hand and her overnight bag in the other. "Hey. Hi...Sorry, I ah...let me take those." He grabbed her burden and raced up the steps to hang her uniform next to his own and then stopped. Her olive drabs looked good hanging next to his winter blues he decided and wondered if some of his clothes would ever wind up at her place.
Sighing, he dropped her overnight bag on the edge of the bed and as he came down the steps he realized he was still nervous. Packing a sea bag was meant as a joke and given there mutual agreement to take things slow he hadn't expected for things to escalate so quickly. Then again, he was getting ahead of himself, given their ebb and flow one misguided word could end them in a fiery inferno.
"It smells lovely. What did you make?"
He found Mac seated on a bar stool, one leg crossed high over the other to expose more of her thigh. It was all his eyes could zero in on and it took Mac covering herself for him to snap to. "Uh. pot roast and vegetables actually."
"Real Meat? Real, real meat not some meatless concoction?"
Harm rolled his eyes as he padded into the kitchen and checked the hunk of meat in the oven. "And creamy mashed potatoes."
"You're kidding me?" She hopped off the stool, went around the island and pinched his cheek just in case. "Just making sure you're you."
"It's really me. I know what you like, Mac." His voice took on a low seductive tone as one of his hands reached out took hers. He brought it up to his lips pressing a kiss onto her palm. "You really do look stunning. I feel a little under dressed."
"I think you look good... sexy."
He snorted and let her go. "Sexy? Hardly."
"I know what I like." Mac's voice also had that seductive undertone that took his breath. They stood staring at each other and she swallowed hard feeling a little less brave than she had been while dressing. The outfit she wore was picked with Harm in mind. Simple enough for dinner at his place and sexy enough to seduce. And now being so close enough to touch, seeing him look at her with unabashed desire made her unsure. "Can I help with something?"
"No, I got it."
She placed a hand on his forearm and squeezed. His eyes focused in on her hand, that simple touch that sent unrestricted energy coursing back and forth between them. "Put me to do something, please. Anything."
"Nervous?" He was too despite the flirting moments ago.
"Yes and I wish I knew why...You're...you not some stranger and…"
"I'm nervous too." He admitted and then motioned towards the refrigerator with his head. "There's a bottle of wine chilling. Non alcoholic. You wanna set the table?"
Mac nodded. "Yes, thank you."
During dinner they mutually decided not to talk about them deciding the safer subject of cases specifically the new one she'd been assigned.
Afterwards they stood side by side near the sink. Harm washing dishes while Mac dried and put them away. "Let's move to the sofa for dessert." He suggested. "Go sit, I'll bring it."
"What did you buy?" Mac unzipped her boots and set them off to the side while she tucked her legs under her. She eyed him from her spot smiling when he looked yer way with that cocky grin.
"No buying. I made it." He really did work hard on dinner for her. "Chocolate raspberry cheesecake. Not sure how it turned out. I don't really do desert." He balanced two plates in one hand and two mugs of coffee with the other.
Eagerly, Mac took one plate away and even before he settled next to her, she'd taken a hearty bite. Decadent and silky, the creamy desert tasted like heaven. Bittersweet chocolate blended harmoniously with tart raspberry and it made her moan as she took another bite. "Wow...sooo good."
Harm hadn't taken a bite of his dessert. He was far too interested in watching her eat. What the woman did to a spoon was absolutely erotic. What's worse, Mac wasn't doing it on purpose. She would take a bite and then turn the utensil over licking every last creamy remnant if cheese cake.
Again and again she would repeat the process but, once she let out a low moan, he just counted continue to take things slow. "I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry." He pried the plate and spoon from her hands, ignoring her protest.
Harm roughly pulled her body over his, Mac's knees on either side, straddling him. Her bottom rested on his thighs and she could feel his hard length the evidence of his desire to fill her and unite them once more. The jazz CD stopped suddenly and the only sound were there heavy breaths. Her hands came to his shoulders and even from the soft light emanating from the corner lamp she could see his irises darken.
Neither of them could speak out of fear that this moment would pass by fleetingly although there was nothing left to run from. They held each other's gaze, watching, waiting on bated breath for someone to make that first move.
Mac felt the rough palms of Harm's hands as they moved up her arms. She closed her eyes letting herself feel as every nerve ending awakened and burned from his touch. His hands traced her shoulders, brushed down her back and came back around to begin popping the buttons of her blouse. He opened just enough to reach the front of her bra and with shaking fingers pulled apart the clasp. It made a soft 'pop', a sound that made her core clench with wet anticipation of what he would do next.
The silky black fabric slipped off her chest exposing her to him and Mac's nipples grew to hardening peaks from the coolness of the loft. His hungry eyes stared unabashed at the heavy globes resting on her rib cage and Harm didn't hesitate for a second longer. With a steadier hand he reached up to brush the underside of one breast and then the other letting a long finger trace up one soft curve.
Mac let out a shaky breath she didn't know she'd been holding when his hand cupped that breast taking its weight as his thumb dragged over her nipple. His mouth closed over her flesh, tongue swirled around the peak teasing and tasting, making Mac moan for more.
The sounds of his suckling mingling with her breathing had made him impossibly harder. His cock was twitching with the anticipation of being buried deep inside her with Mac moving over him. Neither of them spoke when he released one nipple and moved onto the other using a harder pressure and a rasp of his teeth made Mac moan, the sound echoing in the silent loft.
With each pull from his mouth the tingling between her thighs became a painful ache and her core was so wet it soaked the scrap of fabric she wore beneath her skirt. She took one of his hands and guided it down to her thigh, urging his fingers to move upwards, over her hip and under the elastic of the lacy material that made the scrap of underwear Mac had on. To his delight, he found it was a g-string and Harm didn't hesitate in pushing the flimsy material aside or dipping a finger between her wet lips.
The sounds she made as Mac clenched from his touch was making this slow tease so uncontrollably difficult. It was barely there sweep meant to tease her until she groaned in protest, gripped his shoulders and ground into his hand, her desperate attempt to ease her ache. One long finger probed, caressed, slipped in and out in long, slow strokes and Mac rode out the wave of exquisite pleasure pressing herself firmly into his hand.
Even when she came, that insatiable desire to have him and feel him inside made her hand brush over the bulge longing to be freed. She worked on the button of his jeans with shaky fingers, lowered down the zipper and Harm's eyes fixated on her hand as she pulled him out through the flap of his boxers.
It made a lick of desire pass between them when she took him in her hand and deftly began to trace every contour of his hard length. Mac recalled the first time she touched him, awed by how wonderfully heavy and thick he felt in her palm, how her touch made the tip of his cock moisten as it did now. She stole the breath right out of him when a thumb brushed over that tip and not for the first time Mac wondered how he would taste.
She was still rocking against his palm, gasping when another finger plundered her depths while she stroked him, their rhythm a perfect synchronicity. It just wasn't enough.
The foreplay couldn't ease the intense frustration any longer. Mac wanted to be filled by him, that wickedly delicious stretch of his thick cock deep inside her, his tip touching her womb. Sensing her need, Harm pulled his hand away and roughly gripped her hips helping Mac rise over his length. His fingers gripped the G-string and tore them free off her body as she aligned him with her dripping core.
Inch by glorious inch her body sheathed him, buried Harm to the hilt where she squeezed and released. He was big, thick making the union a kind of pleasure and pain that nearly made Mac pass out from an intense need. They were already panting and breathless but this time there was no feeling of wrongdoing or shame. There were no significant others to answer to.
For a moment they simply remained joined, their eyes holding each other's gaze, their movement a barely there pulse. They surrendered to each other once and for all when Harm pushed his hips up desperately needing the release the friction of moving in and out of her would give him.
Mac's hands gripped onto the back of his sofa and used the leverage to move over him with growing urgency. Harm was watching her expression of ecstasy, the flushed cheeks, the way her eyes would close and her head would tip back each time she rolled her hip one way or another. It turned him on more than he though possible that passionate way her pelvis ground onto his own.
His fingers dug onto her hips, palms wrapping over the curves that seemed to be designed for his hands. Grunting he helped Mac move up and then down, his hips moving upwards to meet hers. The tension was building to the point that he was barely able to control the animal like desire to just take her.
He merely held on, eyes locking on to hers in a silent conversation that conveyed what they both needed. Mac's movements were desperate, her hips grinding into his own so that she could feel the rough fabric of his jeans between her thighs. The fabric was wet from there commingled juices and it took just one finger one of his finger over her clit to send Mac over the edge. It was a lazy sweeping over her swollen bud that had her grasping at his shoulders and holding on while he thrust wildly into her from below until they each came violently.
Panting, they remained joined, her head resting on the crook of his shoulder and his in hers. Harm had his arms wrapped around her, keeping Mac's body pressed into his as her inner muscles milked whatever was left of him. He sighed, "I think this is where I tell you that I love you, I need you and can't live without you." The words came out on shaky breaths and her head snapped up.
"You don't play fair sometimes, you know?" His brows furled and a concerned expression crossed eyes. It made her smile and press a soft kiss against his lips. "I kinda wanted to be the first one to say 'I love you.' this time around."
"Tell me." Harm's hands came up to frame her face, her beautiful skin flushed from lovemaking. He never understood that whole 'glowing' description when it came to women and sex but, he saw it now along with that strikingly radiant smile. "Tell me you love me."
"I love you, Harm."
He pulled her down for a slow, loving kiss that quickly began to burn out of control again. His lips led a trail of fire down her chin, past the hollow of her throat and to her collar. Fingers worked to get Mac out of her blouse, popping the rest of her buttons and slipping it off her shoulders along with her bra. "I want… No..I need to see you this time….all of you...Every inch of bare skin."
"Oh God, yes. I want to see you too, all of you." In one movement, he stood and with Mac wrapped around him carefully walked them across the loft and up the steps to his bedroom.
AN: So this love scene kinda matches their first time in the back of Harm's car and it was always intended to. A redo of sorts without that baggage of her engagement and how you go from zero to a zillion and try to make everything work. This was a fun story to put together. I always wanted to do a version of 'Talk TO Me' but with Mac in therapy, lord knows GF needs some.
But, one day I did what I told myself I would never do which was to have H&M do the deed the night of the engagement party. It sounded utter ridiculous for a moment. Where would they sleep together? Wouldn't people notice? and then it clicked. Ideally the back of his car had this whole tawdry concept about it but, as I typed it out it became one of my favorite love scenes I've written to date. I love that they don't speak during it...It was hot and their mistake really felt like two lost souls finally finding each other at the wrong time. Oh did I love writing that scene...My second being the one in "Final Destination" at the B&B and the third the first time they are together in "Vampire Heart".
I knew this would be a remake of the 1st chapter, in fact some parts are verbatim with a twist and I still wanted it to be wordless, the only sounds their breaths, the moans and whatnot. Even the jazzy music in the background cuts off.