A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed and left such lovely comments on the last chapter, I do hope you enjoy this and that it's not too long, you know what I'm like when I get carried away.

Am I Losing you?

"Hope he appreciates what a lucky son of a bitch he is"

Shouldn't think so, somehow right now I doubt it, not if yesterday in the park is anything to go by. Tell you what though, can't say anything without it'll sound like I'm begging for compliments or I'm selling tickets on myself. Noel really does think he's the dog's bollocks, he's so bleeding convinced he's irresistible that he really did think I'd invented an imaginary husband to use as a sort of human shield, you know, to help me keep my distance because he's a patient and there's probably rules and regulations about it. Talk about selling tickets on yourself, he takes the whole bleeding packet of hob nobs. Showed him the photos on my phone, didn't I? Alright I know I didn't have to but I was a bit bloody annoyed he'd even think I'd make it up, call it my pride or whatever, but I wanted him to see I had a very real husband, that I didn't bloody need to make anything up, although can't actually tell you why I felt the need to prove anything at all to some prat who'd fallen off a bleeding motorbike and cracked his bloody head open. Beyond me. One thing I did know, it made no difference at all whether I had a husband or not, there was zero chance of him ever getting in my knickers.

He did go a bit quiet when he looked at the photos, especially the ones of Charles in his uniform looking all gorgeous and smiling at the camera, at me, and then he only bloody asked whether he was in the army, or the military as he called it. I mean, can't tell you how tempted I was to say nah, we just get off on him dressing up as a soldier, I mean, for fuck sake! Or maybe he knows a lot of people who do that, dress up, you know, wear costumes to have their photo taken? Come to think of it, probably better not to ask. I did tell him how I'd been in the army, sorry the military, as well and that it was there I'd trained as a medic, but I said I'd thought it would be good to see the world, that I'd wanted to see places that weren't having bloody wars and that. Didn't tell him Charles and me weren't together at the time even when he asked about how my hubby as he called Charles felt about me leaving the army to do this instead. I lied, didn't I? Told him all about meeting him in Afghan and that when you're in the army you get used to being deployed and spending time away from each other. Alright, when I say I told him all about it, maybe not quite everything, I gave him the edited highlights and left out the bits that made me look bad, but then doesn't everyone do that? And alright, maybe I might have misled him a bit when I let him think Charles and me have been together in some sort of can't keep our hands off of each other married bliss for all of the last four years. I mean, it's not that I lied exactly, I was just a bit fucking economical with the truth when he asked how long we'd been married.

To be really truthful I was beginning to get bored with hearing him keep going on about how bloody wonderful he thinks I am, okay I admit a bit of it had been quite good to start with, flattering, but I'm bloody sure he doesn't think anything of the sort. He's just saying it as part of the relentless stream of bullshit that comes out of his sodding trap, never gives it a rest, does he? I'm pretty sure it's the only way he knows how to talk to a woman, if he's not flirting he's lost for what to say, but he doesn't seem to realise that it doesn't make me want to jump his bones, it makes me want to strangle him. One good thing I suppose is that getting irritated with him the way I was meant my brain forgot to panic every time he shut his eyes or twitched or something.

Then it was nearly over. The lights had gone up and they'd started chucking breakfasts at us so it definitely wasn't going to be long before he was someone else's bloody problem and knowing him he'll be busy professing undying love for some nurse at the London Clinic about an hour after getting there. I don't actually believe he means to be quite such a big-headed twat, I'm sure it's got a lot to do with how he looks, doesn't matter how much of a tosspot he is, he's still a bleeding attractive one. Better when he doesn't open his gob of course, but I'm pretty sure there's a queue of women probably fighting to drop their knickers for him and I think he's just got so used to people thinking he's sex on legs that he believes it himself now. He told me he's on his own, that his wife pissed off a while back, although he didn't say what happened and I didn't ask, but have to say he did seem more upset about her taking the dog with her than anything else. To be truthful, I couldn't think of what to say, well, nothing that didn't sound downright bloody rude. I couldn't tell him I thought she'd have to have been a plaster saint to put up with his bollocks in the first place, could I? But if he was hoping to get a bit of sympathy, you know, if he thought that telling me his sad life history and pulling his version of puppy dog eyes was going to get him anywhere, he was sadly mistaken. He was wasting his bloody time with me; he's got a bleeding long way to go before he's anything like as good at it as Charles. You know, it's not that I don't like him, Noel I mean, I do, well, a bit, I'm sure he could be a really top bloke, but all that needing to chat up every female with a pulse is bloody exhausting and if he knew anything about me at all he'd know I'd never be up for a bit of messing around with him.

-OG-

"Not long now … we'll be landing shortly but I'm afraid the weather in London is really not looking that great this morning … sorry guys"

Not sure why he was saying sorry for the weather, he wasn't responsible was he? But all I really heard were the words landing shortly and this huge great wave of relief was flooding me and making me light headed for a second which meant I didn't hear anything else. But I heard that, nearly over. I'd made it with no fucking up on my part, not once. He was definitely still breathing. Noel I mean, not the steward. The steward seemed fine as well as he fussed and farted about clearing breakfast cups when to me it still seemed like the middle of the bloody night, and then did all the usual checks to make sure everything was all tidied away. He checked the med kit was secure and kept giving me these little sideways looks, was probably wondering why the fuck I had this huge great big grin on my gob, he was probably wondering what I was finding so funny.

He obviously decided I was just being friendly and smiled back, not a real smile but the same fixed one he'd had all bloody night, probably thought I was what Nan would call a sandwich short of a picnic but I couldn't quite switch it off. He checked the seats were upright and reminded us we had to stay sitting when we landed because of Immigration coming on board to check us and all the time he was giving me these little looks. I'm not entirely sure what's supposed to happen to me once we're down, an ambulance car will collect Noel from the tarmac and he'll be whisked off to the London Clinic but I don't think they're expecting me to go with him. Still never mind, one thing at a time, let's just get off the pissing thing without worrying about anything else. Don't trouble trouble and all that.

"I just wanted to say thank you Molly … you've been really great, a total star … I can't tell you how grateful I am …"

"That's alright, you're welcome … nothing to be grateful for … told you before, my job to get you home in one bit"

"You gonna tell me now why you were quite so concerned?"

"Wasn't … not specially …" He raised an eyebrow like Charles does when he doesn't quite believe me "Okay, it's just … you know sometimes when someone's got an head injury they look like they're doing fine, nothing wrong at all but then underneath something not so great is going on … so I was just watching out and making sure … now promise me you'll be careful from now on, no more hanging off of motorbikes and forgetting to wear an 'elmet … you might not be so lucky next time"

"Yes Mom, I know … promise …I think I can safely say I've learned that lesson" He did that crossing your heart thing like he really was a kid, actually think he is in a lot of ways, but I also think he saw from my face that I didn't want to talk about it. I had no wish to think about what had happened to Smurf, I was worried I'd end up in tears "Will he be meeting you?"

"Who?" Meeting me? I don't know, do I? But I bloody doubt it. Don't know if he's even talking to me.

"Hubby … who did you think I was talking about? Santy Claus?"

"Is he the fat geezer with the white beard and the red suit? … Nah, don't know him, do I? … and no-one will be meeting me … I'm not going straight home, gotta go in the office first 'n do my report, tell them that in spite of everything I didn't actually lob you out the plane"

"Oh Lord I wasn't that bad, was I?" He was bloody batting his eyelashes at me again all wide-eyed and innocent but you can't tell someone you're bloody glad to see the back of them, can you? You have to lie.

"Nah course not … now do up your seat belt before that nice steward comes back and yells at you"

"Yes Mom … you know I'm glad I wasn't too much of a pain in the arse because I've been thinking …"

"Sounds dangerous …"

"Maybe… but, it's just a thought … I might well find myself needing someone to hold my hand if I'm right and the airline will be awkward about me travelling on my own, probably be scared I'll sue the frigging pants off them if anything happens and I was just wondering how you're fixed … I mean, how would you feel if I asked you to come home with me? I can show you my house on the beach … and we can make a snowman if you like and …"

"Oh … sorry mate … it doesn't quite work like that" I got no idea whether it does or it doesn't, I've never heard of anyone asking for someone in particular, but then I've not done it for that long, could be it happens all the time, who knows? But what's more to the point is that I don't think I want to "Thanks anyway … look, if you have to have someone your insurance company will ask us to provide an escort … dunno if they'll let you choose who that is … or if my boss will let them do a pic 'n mix on it … but no harm in asking I s'pose"

"A pic 'n mix? Oh, right I see, but you're saying it wouldn't be a problem for you if I was to tell them I'd really like for it to be you?"

"Nah, course not … happy to help" Yeah I know, I'm lying, but I feel like I haven't slept for a year and my brain is struggling to come up with a good enough excuse, one that doesn't hurt his feelings because I don't think I want to do that, and there's no law says I can't say okay and then change my mind after, is there?

-OG-

That steward wasn't bloody kidding when he told us the weather was shit. It was just starting to get a bit light but it was so grey and wet and gloomy, and after being sat in a nice warm plane all night the wind was un-fucking-believably cold. It was going through me like a sodding knife and soon as I stuck my nose out the door, I wished more than anything I had my coat with me instead of just my sweatshirt, oh, and a hat and a scarf and some gloves would be good and all. The bloody sleet stinging my face and head to buggery was nearly horizontal so fuck knows what it was doing to Noel. He'd had this bit of a run-in with the paramedic from the Clinic who'd come on board to help, had insisted he was going to walk off, so bloody idiot could have been strapped in a stretcher chair and wrapped up in nice warm blankets. But at least he was wearing a pea jacket with the collar up so was better wrapped up than me. Tell you what though, easy to forget that until yesterday he'd been in hospital in a really hot country for weeks, had only just been allowed to get out of bed for fuck sake and even though the stubborn little fucker kept insisting he was good, he was bloody pale, looked almost blue and his lips were purple. I could see the paramedic was bothered, and I can't tell you how glad I was to see the blue light of the ambulance car and know that at least there wasn't going to be any bloody waiting out on the tarmac. Would probably give him pneumonia. Me and all.

And then it was over. Done. Finished. The paramedic had bundled him into the nice warm car out the wind and the wet and they were gone and I didn't really have enough time to say goodbye or anything. I only just had time to wave before that was it and I was left standing by the gangway thingy shivering and feeling a mix of utter relief, bloody euphoric that it was over as well as seven shades of shit from the whole fucking nightmare. I'd just spent days on end bloody certain that he was going to cark it any second, I'd had this permanent churning knot of worry in my guts, and you know what, I couldn't even think why now. My nice steward showed me where to get the bus, and then I collected my bag and went to find my taxi feeling like I was in some sort of a dream, and did my best not to keep on looking round me to see if a tall dark bloke with curly hair had come to meet me. He hadn't.

-OG-

I didn't want to open my eyes and wake up. I wanted to stay exactly where I was crashed out asleep on the sofa but I could hear cups rattling in the kitchen and music playing softly so I knew he was back from wherever it was he'd been when I got home. I'd got no idea what the time was or how long I'd been asleep but he'd tucked the duvet over me and I was warm and comfortable and the room was cosy where he'd shut the curtains and put on the table lamp. It felt like it was late, but don't remember settling myself down on the sofa for a kip, in fact I'm sure I didn't, I remembered getting home to an empty house and feeling cold and struggling not to bawl from tiredness and I suppose from him not being there, so that I'd decided to just have a bit of a sit down while I waited for the heating to crank up.

"Hello you … there you go" When I got my eyes prised open, he was standing over me with a cup and then squatted down and put it carefully in my hand, wrapping my fingers round it to make sure I had hold. He waited for a couple of seconds and then took it away again and put it on the end table "Careful … it's hot …. Ididn't know whether to wake you … but I thought you'd be better in bed"

"What time is it?"

"Nearly 4 …"

"Is it? Shit …I've been asleep bloody hours …" I sort of struggled to get untangled from the duvet and to sit up properly, hard when you're trying not to let any bit of you poke out of where it was lovely and warm and I was afraid the room might still feel cold. In spite of having been asleep for bloody hours and hours I badly wanted to just settle back down and close my eyes and go back off. But there was tea and I was bloody parched. I'd had nothing since a cup of the horrible stuff that passes for airline tea at breakfast and that felt like it was yesterday and I sort of knew from how my mouth was coated and dry that I'd been asleep with it wide open, probably snoring. And my tummy was growling and rumbling, couldn't actually swear to the last time I'd had anything to eat, but it felt like about a week ago.

He squeezed his bum into the gap on the sofa next to me and shoved my legs to one side to make enough room before he lifted them back up onto his lap and wrapped his hands round my ankles. He turned and smiled at me, smiling the sort of smile that should be illegal.

"Missed you"

"Did you? Really? Got a funny way of showing it"

"I know … and I'm sorry …"

"Yeah … should be, you was a bit bleeding horrible … and I didn't know why, like I don't know why you're grinning at me like that, what's so bleeding funny? … there's nothing funny"

I sounded petulant and I hadn't actually been going to say anything at all till I'd worked out exactly what I wanted to say, but even if I'd of waited I couldn't swear I'd manage to be all cool and calm and detached the way I wanted, he'd really upset me, had made me wonder what the fuck I was doing. Ever since we'd been back together I'd thought the worst thing would be for me to see him leave again, but the last few days had been really shitting horrible, the whole Noel thing and then Charles being all sulky and then him not being here when I got home. I mean I didn't want to get all deranged until I'd thought it through, but not sure if this is what I want anymore. But that didn't mean I wanted to fly off the handle, would probably end up saying something I might be sorry for afterwards.

"I'm not grinning because I find anything remotely funny about any of this, I'm just really happy to see you … happy you came back"

"Why wouldn't I? Where the fuck did you expect me to go?"

"I didn't expect you to go anywhere … well … as least I hoped you wouldn't, I was afraid you'd be tempted to go running off to Martha's Vineyard with him to admire his fucking beach house"

"What? Why would I do that? I thought you knew me better"

"Indeed … I do … I do know you … at least I thought I did but then I listened to you talking about him and it all sounded … I could tell … could hear it, I knew from the way you sounded that you liked him … a lot … and that there was something you weren't telling me"

"Yeah, you're right … there was … but not what you thought… talk about jumping to conclusions … 'n I would never … even if I liked him, which I'm not sure I do, and definitely not the way you mean … I didn't tell you … he had a fucking head injury Charles … I just spent days with someone I thought was about to drop dead on me … another Smurf"

"Oh fuck … oh Molly … you should have told me … I'm sorry … was it alright, are you alright? I wish I'd known"

"I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd be worried, … thought you would be anyway but … then you got all shitty and I never got the chance to tell you, and never mind you thinking I was gonna run off with some Septic who by the way is so full of shit that even if he had a personality transplant he'd be the last person on earth I'd wanna shag…" I had to stop and take a breath, didn't I? I seemed to have got myself a bit wound up "Where the fuck was you when I got home 'n don't say work, it's Sat'day and unless wars broke out, I know you wasn't… and …." I had to take another deep breath, didn't I? But I was buggered if I was going to give in and cry "And … why didn't you come and meet me?"

"I … didn't know you wanted me to… I'm sorry … I was being a dick … and I was out shopping when you got home … there was no food in the bloody house … where did you think I was?"

"Dunno … should have left me a message, shouldn't you? … Why didn't you?"

"What … like the ones in the kitchen … and the bathroom and the one where I copied your stroke of brilliance, the one on your pillow … I can't help it if you didn't look, Moll"

"Oh"

"Yep … Oh indeed… where did you think I was, anyway?"

"Look I know I probably got it a bit wrong … but couldn't help it, we never really talked about … about you and her and what with Etta trying to push me out to make room for her … I couldn't help thinking …."

"What are you talking about, or perhaps I should say, who?" Got to admit he did look a bit puzzled "Please just tell me you're not talking about Amber, because we did talk about her, and I thought I'd told you everything there was to tell, you know I didn't love her… don't love her" He shook his head slowly from side to side "And I'm not seeing her now nor am I ever going to see her in the future, why the fuck would I? You do know that if I could go back and change all of it, I would, don't you? But I can't"

"S'pose not … but …I wasn't here 'n she's dead pretty and your family love her … alright your mum does … and you took her to Bath with you and …"

"I thought we'd already had this conversation… and what difference does it make you not being here?" He was starting to sound a little bit impatient, which wasn't going to help anything was it? "You know, when I met you …my life was pretty much under control, I had the career I'd always wanted and I enjoyed the day to day, actually thought I was pretty good at it, or at least was getting there, and okay maybe my marriage hadn't been my greatest triumph, but that was all over and done with and there was Sammie … and then … there was you … you bloody crashed into my life and turned everything upside down … and … it hasn't been the same since"

He snorted that little laugh of his and then started to tug at the hairs on the back of his neck, and I can't tell you why but for some stupid bloody reason all I could think about was I'd been going to tell him about making himself bald doing that. Don't know why I started to think about it now, but I did as he shook his head slowly and then looked back at me again.

"And I wouldn't change a single thing about it … Of course I know Amber is pretty, I'm not blind … but … she's not you, is she? And you're all I've ever wanted … I remember telling you once that I'll adore you for always … and … well, nothing's changed"

"Really? Thought that was only if I got you your coffee"

"No that is not what you thought … you knew exactly what I meant"

"I'm sorry there's stuff I haven't told you"

"Oh fuck … what else?"

"Nothin'" I can't, can I, just can't "I'd been thinking we might of rushed everything again, that we might of got it wrong … like last time…"

"We didn't get it wrong last time Moll, we just didn't realise how right it was …"

One of the tears I'd been trying hard to swallow started to leak so I did a bit of sniffing and then tried to wipe it away on the duvet without him seeing. I was not bawling, okay, it was just I was tired and feeling emotional and it had been a very long and fucking hard week.

"Noooo…no …no …no … don't cry … come on Dawsey … you know I can't stand it when you cry"

"Not crying"

"No, sorry, of course you're not"

"I'm not" Then I seemed to be on his lap somehow trying my hardest not to bawl my bloody eyes out as he held me tight against him and began to drop all these little kisses on the top of my head.

"When I was away … and I'd see things that … well things that were hard to forget, you know, I'd used to do my best to try and conjure you up in my head, even when I was sure you didn't love me anymore … just knowing you were out there somewhere made everything better… and now drink your bloody tea before its stone cold"

"Already is … Charles?"

"I know … on my way … give me your cup"

"Thank you … love another one … a hot one … but … was gonna say I'm bloody starving 'n all … what we got?"

"Oysters? Sushi? Fillet steak?"

"Yeah very funny …"

"Oven chips?"

"Now you're talking … with an egg 'n all?"

"Of course, my signature dish …Oh and Moll?"

"What?"

"Have you looked out of the window? It's snowing"

"It's not, why didn't you bloody tell me?"

"I'm telling you now"

The duvet seemed to have tangled itself round my legs which made it bloody hard to jump up to have a look without falling over, so dragged it with me.

"What did I tell you?"

"Wow … it is 'n all … must of been snowing for bloody hours" I love it. Snow I mean, I always want it to snow on and on and I can see it's been snowing for ages, these great big flakes have been settling into a deep blanket of white over all the road and the walls and giving the street lights littler hats and that. It looks like it's really deep and there's this funny sort of half-light outside, even though it's usually pitch dark by this time "It's beautiful"

"Yup" He was standing behind me with his arms round my waist and pulled me back so I was leaning against him as we watched it falling steadily past the window. As Nan would say it was snowing to buggery. She hates it, moans like hell about how cold and slippery and horrible it is, which to be fair is pretty true in east Ham where it turns to slush straight away but still makes it hard to get to Bingo. I could hear the smile in his voice as I felt him rest his chin on top of my head "Oh yeah, totally … completely … utterly … bloody beautiful … the snow isn't bad either"

"Oi … you calling me an 'it'?"

"Of course not …" I could hear him smirking "Well maybe… but you know what I mean"

-OG-