A/N: Hey guys! So so sorry for the delay. I've been dealing with some pretty severe health issues (not COVID-related) that cause immense fatigue and general pain that makes typing/doing daily activities pretty difficult right now. I'm on the way to getting an official diagnosis/treatment plan, but yeah, that's what the past month has looked like for me.
This chapter was mostly finished back in March, so I threw on the finishing touches today. I haven't written in a little bit so I apologize if I'm a tad rusty. Thank you for your patience and support. Enjoy!
It was the way she wrapped her in a hug as a parting goodbye. Wrapping her arms tenderly around her waist as if the ability to be closer to her heartbeat was all she needed to keep herself alive.
It was the way she kissed her forehead longingly. Kissing with a delicateness that left more to be desired as she pulled away.
It was the way she smiled from ear to ear the moment she saw her walking down the stairs in the morning. Smiling as though for a moment she had forgotten the beauty of the woman in front of her and had gained the privilege of falling in love all over again.
It was the way that the next morning Emily cooked breakfast without asking and as she brought Alison's plate to their couch, she set the plate down and did a little skip in front of her. She giddily laughed while leaning forward, placing her hands on either side of Alison's waist on the couch as she pulled her in for a kiss.
"Hey." She whispered staring back into her wife's porcelain blue eyes, biting her lip as she wondered how much further she may be able to push her luck this morning.
"Hi there. How'd you sleep?"
Emily turned back toward the kitchen to make her own plate as she continued speaking, "Not too well, actually. I woke up like two hours ago and couldn't go back to sleep. But I don't know if that was uncomfortability from being on the couch or just the excitement of being able to see you again."
"I was happy that you were still here when I woke up."
"Of course! I have to take Livvy back today, and it would've been quite the bitch move to take her before you could even wake up this morning." Emily chuckled, sitting back down on the couch next to Alison, crossing her legs underneath her. "Waking up early let me think a little bit though.
"Yeah? About what?" she asked, mouth full.
"I posted it on Craigslist."
"Posted what?"
"Our bed. If you can't even sleep in our room out of discomfort, it doesn't need to be in there. So some guy named Cameron is coming to pick it up in an hour or so, and a new bed will be coming later this week."
"Really?"
"Yeah, Al. Without tearing this entire home down to the studs, I don't know another way to help you feel more comfortable." Emily looked out of the corner of her eye, hesitantly as she continued, "I mean, unless we need to tear the home down to the studs, then I can make that happen too. It was the easiest first step that I could think – "
"Emmy? Stop freaking out." Alison smirked, placing her food-filled fork into her mouth once more, "That was incredibly sweet of you. Thank you."
Silence fell between the two again. Still not fully comfortable with the new-found standing of their relationship. If that was even what you could call it.
"There is just one thing…" her voice trailed off as she looked back at Emily, "I was thinking that you were taking Liv and that I'd have the day to do what I needed, so I scheduled a lunch."
"I can stay here and wait for the guy if you need. Is that what you're asking?"
Alison nodded, tucking her bangs behind her right ear before standing up to clear off the rest of her plate, "If I had known, I wouldn't have planned anything. It's just something I need to clear up."
"With who?" Emily looked over her shoulder back at her wife, who had positioned her body away from her in the course of walking away.
"Cassie…" Alison trailed again, "Spencer's assistant."
Scoffing, Emily replied, "Spencer's assistant, eh?"
"Yeah, you met her actually." She picked up her eyes for the first time in over a dozen seconds to find Emily smirking knowingly, "You know? She dropped off that scarf, and you came by with Spence – "
"Oh, I remember."
Alison laughed behind her, "You jealous?"
"No. Nope. Not me."
She felt arms wrap around her shoulders as Alison kept talking, "There's nothing to be jealous of, Em."
"Then how about you be a little more honest with me. You're not meeting her as 'Spencer's assistant', babe. You were dating her?" Emily turned her head to meet Alison's eyes.
"Not even that… we were just talking. Feeling it out." Alison placed a delicate kiss on Emily's cheek as she walked back around to the couch.
"Feeling each other out?"
"I can't believe you!" Alison laughed, shoving Emily's shoulder, "I come home to you engaged, and you're seriously butt hurt about a girl I got coffee with less than five times?"
"I know it's a bad look. I just remember seeing you smile at her… You like her."
Alison nodded, "Yeah, I do. I won't lie about that, but I can assure you that nothing ever happened between us."
"But if it weren't for me coming back around?"
"I don't know, Emily. I don't know how it matters either; I'm dedicated to figuring this out. I'm here to figure us out. Whatever could've happened with Cass doesn't matter as much as where we're headed."
Emily nodded, "I'm a little bit jealous, but I mostly feel guilty. It's like…" she turned her body toward Alison as she kept speaking, "We're working all of this out, right? And I love that we're taking those steps forward wherever that ends up leading us. But despite that, you still haven't smiled at me like you did with her since you've been home. Even over the past few days, you're still hiding part of yourself from me, and rightfully so. Fuck. I don't know how to describe it, Al. I feel guilty that I might be keeping you from someone who has made you so insanely happy when I wasn't able to be that person for you. That for as much as I believe we are meant to be together, I also believe that not letting you figure this out for yourself might cause resentment toward me later. Do you get what I'm saying?"
"I think so…" Alison sighed, "I'm not going to resent you later though, Em. Every step we've taken thus far has been because it's what I wanted to happen. You have been patient and caring and present. Sure, I like her. I like being around her. And she's great, but I love you. Well, we're working up to that. But I know what loving you is like. No other feeling in the world compares. So you don't need to worry about it. I should be a fairly simple conversation."
"I understand. Just don't underestimate your feelings or hers. Like I just said, I understand, Ali. I understand it all."
"Let me guess, this is some 'it's not you; it's me' bullshit?" Cassandra sat in front of Alison at their usual café in town talking over their coffees and avocado toast.
"It's not bullshit if it's the truth, Cass. I owe it to my daughter to figure out if this is something worth pursuing again."
She sighed, "Look, I get it. Emily is stunning and you have a family that you're trying to keep together. I won't get in the way of that. I just – Damn. You just really had me out here dreaming of what we could be, Ali."
"This outcome wasn't my intention. I wanted to pursue this, but I can't walk away from my wife. And I know how it looks, but at no point was I leading you on."
Cassandra wiped her hands over her face exasperatedly, "So she just came over, said that she no longer wanted a divorce, and you fell right back into everything."
"Not exactly."
"I don't know the ins and outs of everything that happened between you guys, Alison. But you can see why I'm not in the best place hearing this."
"Of course, I can. It's just with our pasts and being friends for so long… not giving it a shot demolishes so much of a life that I have spent decades building."
Cassie nodded looking away from the conversation, obviously seeking an escape. "I've been broken up with before, Alison. I just really believed your bullshit, you know?"
"What are you talking about?"
"The whole 'maybe the air changed because the universe knew you were headed my way' line."
"That wasn't bullshit! Talking with you that day, I mean, every time we have talked has made the past few weeks so much more manageable. You helped me process how I was thinking and feeling during a difficult time. When we first met, I thought maybe it was something more, but there's a chance that having someone the past few weeks is exactly – "
"What you needed? Great. So happy to have developed a purely asymbiotic relationship. It's fine; I was naïve to think that the first person I was interested in since my ex would actually manifest into anything."
"Cassie, I'm so sorry. I've loved getting to know you and I'd love to remain friends if that – "
"There's no need for us to be friends."
"I was just trying to make sure you knew –"
"It's okay, Alison. I promise. I'm a big girl." She stood suddenly, adjusting her coat, causing Alison to follow uncomfortably. Cassandra turned away briefly before catching herself, "You know, I would really hate myself if I never just – "
She was caught off-guard. Eyes still toward the ground waiting for her to walk away. And so before Alison could take a step backward, Cassie had stepped back toward her, placing her right hand on Alison's cheek as she kissed her lips gently. Alison's eyes instinctually opened as she turned her face to the right as soon as she processed what was happening.
"Sorry… I can't."
"Yep. Got it." Cassie held her hands up as she walked away. She looked over her shoulder one last time as she opened the front door, "Bye, Ali. Good luck." She whispered as Alison's head fell once again.
Thoughts flooded Alison as she took the bus back home. It wasn't that she hadn't wanted to reciprocate; it was that she was automatically hit with the fact the every part of her was already taken. She had nothing left to give to someone else because she had given it to Emily so long before. Despite leaving the conversation feeling relatively empty, her reflection smiled into the large back left window she was sitting by. For as confused and hurt as she had made Cassie, with every word Alison spoke, the more confident she was that she was doing the right thing. Alison jogged from the bus stop back to her home as she threw open the door to find Emily sitting on the couch playing with their daughter.
"What the fuck?!" Emily jumped as the door swung open, hitting the door stop aggressively as Alison stood there smiling. Olivia jumped as well breaking into a small cry before seeing her mother at the door.
"Oh, Livvy. I'm sorry." Alison exclaimed, picking up her daughter to console her, "Well, I kind of fucked this up. I was used to only doing this before we had kids."
Emily stood up concerned, "Are you okay? Did everything go okay with Cassie?"
"More than okay, Em." Alison reassured, reaching out her hand to Emily's. "In fact. Liv? Your mommy and I love you so much, but can you sit here just one second while I – " And as Alison set their daughter down on the couch in front of them, she moved the hand once holding Emily's hand up to her wife's waist. "Thank you again for getting rid of our bed. I was thinking about it coming home and I don't think I let you know how much it really meant that you thought about doing that." Emily looked at her confused as Alison brought her in for a tender kiss, "Is that okay?" Alison asked, sending a laugh through Emily.
"That's more than okay…" Emily replied, closing her hand like they had practiced the night before, before wrapping her arm around Alison's waist. "Is that okay?"
"I think we can make that work." Alison bit her lip as she pulled Emily back into her. More aggressive than the night before, Alison kept her bottom lip lightly pouted, allowing Emily to nip delicately at her wife as they kissed.
Emily traced her left hand down to connect with Alison's right as she more forcefully began leading Alison toward the wall by their front door. The arm once around Alison's waist used as a feeler to determine when they reached the wall, now held Alison against it as Emily began kissing up Alison's neck once more. Alison found comfort for the first time in leading Emily's hand toward her hip for her palm to grasp her flesh as she gave into the lingering temptation that had been in front of her for not only half a week but the months before they gave in as well. But as Emily was distracted, Alison's eyes shot open at the repeated buzzing from Emily's phone on the coffee table.
"Em?" she whispered, "Someone's calling you, babe."
Out of breath, Emily struggled getting her words out, "Alison, it's just a phone call. Please don't tell me you want me to stop to check my damn phone."
"No. Not at all…" Alison shook her head before reclosing her eyes and slinking her fingers through Emily's flowing locks.
And despite the phone continuing to buzz, they both ignored what they believed to be a phone call as best as they could. Little did they know that the repeated and incessant buzzing wasn't a phone call at all, but instead, a barrage of text messages over a period of minutes that marked the beginning of an entirely new concern.
Emily? You there?
It's me.
We need to talk. I get that we moved too quickly and that I was being negative about Alison, but after taking time to reconsider, I'm willing to move forward and figure this out.
And I know you're concerned that I'm mad at you for giving the ring back, but I understand, babe. We can work it out.
I saw your car at Alison's the past few days and I'm sure that you two are trying to figure all of this divorce stuff out. So just reach back out to me once that maybe feels more settled for you.
I miss seeing you and your mom and Liv. I miss feeling you wrapped around me. I miss the way you turned me on every time I saw you. I miss you. I miss us. Just text me back, okay?
Emily? Why aren't you texting me back? I don't get what I did to deserve the silent treatment. I've been nothing but supportive and there for you and all you have to say in return is NOTHING!
EMILY. CATHERINE. WHAT THE FUCK?
Hello? Are you there? What the fuck are you doing that is keeping you from your phone? Are you with that whore?
Okay. I shouldn't have said that. Sorry. I just want to talk this out. We can make this work. Whatever you need from me. I'll make it happen.
Don't make me look crazy, Em. Text me back when you can. I'm turning my phone off, okay? You can text me back whenever. It's okay. I'm okay.
Just. Text. Me. Back.
Please.
I love you, Em.
Oh sorry, if you didn't know, it's Maya.
A/N: If not clear, all of the bold text above is separate text messages. I couldn't get the spacing I wanted exactly right, so if anyone has any tips let me know.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Two steps forward, one step back is the general motto that these two adhere to. I hope you all are doing well. Thanks again for the support.
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- secretpen28