Day 155

We moved on to Newnan two days after Daryl's birthday. In this new town, we switched houses every couple of days, it was infested with walkers, but we managed to scavenge more supplies and food.

Now, T's truck's bed was filled with strapped mattresses and blankets. Trunks of other cars where wholly full, and we were moving along 26 for the past two hours. I was getting nervous, scared of what I'd see when we finally reach my house.

I was holding Daryl probably too tight because his hand went to my forearm and tapped it gently.

"I'm sorry," I said in his ear. I watched the shops and abandoned cars as we drove by. "Turn here, into Cochran Mill Road."

Here we go, there was no turning back. We followed that road for about fifteen minutes when I saw the turn. I patted Daryl's stomach and showed it to him.

"Keep going that way."

"Those houses?"

"No, further." The path was small, bearly visible, hidden between the trees. About a mile after the turn there it was, Daryl stopped the bike in front of the gate, and I dismounted it, reaching into my pocket. I put the keys there this morning, remembering how they felt, memories from years back, resurfacing. I found the right one, opened the padlock, and moved the gate, making space for our vehicles. House was already visible; the fence wasn't stretched out that far away from it, so I didn't have to tell Daryl where to go.

I waited for the group to pass me, and I closed it again, jogging towards the porch. People spilled out of the cars, Daryl and Rick going around the house, checking for any uninvited guests.

"Clear, what you think?" Sheriff asked me when they came back.

"It looks untouched. But still. Downstairs we have a kitchen, living room, small bedroom, and office. Upstairs we have a bathroom and three bedrooms."

"OK, Carl, Maggie, Glenn, and I take downstairs. Daryl, T-Dog, and Elena, you go upstairs. Don't bust the doors; we need them."

"They all should be unlocked," I added, moving towards the front door and banged on them. Three minutes later, I still heard no groans, so I put the key into the lock and twisted it. There was a soft click, and we were moving in, I led the way upstairs. All the doors were still closed, just like I left them, I walked over to the last one, while the men stood next to the other. I rose my machete and opened the door, scanning it quickly, making sure that it was empty.

"Clear."

"Clear."

Everyone shouted from their positions, and I moved from the room, using the key to lock it. When I turned around, Daryl was watching me intensely, and I knew I couldn't avoid our chat for much longer.

"Not now," I told him and climbed the stairs down and out to our cars. We moved the majority of our stuff into the living room, and people plunged onto two sofas and on the ground. They looked around the room, and I did the same. It looked exactly like I left it. Double shelved bookcase stood proudly by the wall, my father's collection full of dust. Two red three-seaters positioned in front of the TV, opposite the bookshelves. Brown thick carpet covered the whole floor, and for once, I was happy with my mother's pick. Pine, oval-shaped coffee table, was still covered with my folders, from cases I worked on.

I moved quickly and collected them, moving to the kitchen, throwing it in the bin.

"Sorry, you don't need to see that," I told the group when I came back. All of them were looking at me, waiting for a tour, directions, and I sighed.

"Alrighty, so there's a small generator, behind the house, but I'm not sure how long it'll last. That's why we have candles. Let's not waste electricity. We should only use it for water and cooking." I started and leaned against the dark wooden shelves. "I told you there are four bedrooms, but only three are functional. There's a room that's locked upstairs, and I'd like it if it would stay like that, for now."

I swallowed harshly, trying to push distant memories away from my head. I looked through the window and continued. "It won't be warm enough in here when the snow hits, that's why we gonna bunk down in the basement. It's insolated, spacious, and with several shelves. Oh, and a small shower room."

"We haven't seen any basement," Glenn spoke, breaking me out of my thought.

"Right, yes. Get torches, guys." I pulled my backpack off and reached for the flashlight. I stood up in front of the bookshelf and moved to the edge of it, pulling hard. Seconds later, it moved alongside the wall, reviling a small staircase behind it. People around me gasped, and I nodded.

"Yeah, my dad made it himself."

I led the way down, flicking on the light, and when I didn't see any movements, I stood happily in the middle of the big room.

"Nice, huh?" The walls were painted in white, to make it brighter, the carpet was brown again, fluffy. There were two tall metal racks for storage and a table with three chairs.

"That's great, Elena!" Rick said after a moment. "We gonna bring the mattresses here, now. And the majority of our food. T and Glenn, you gonna check the generator."

"And what about sleeping, for now?" Maggie asked once we went back upstairs. Oh, I know what you're thinking, you naughty girl.

"They're two king-sized beds upstairs, and single, downstairs," I told her, winking at Glenn, who turned red in seconds.

"Right. Glenn and Maggie, you can have one bedroom, Lori and Carl will take another. Hershel, you got downstairs." Rick said, looking at me, checking if that's OK.

"Wait, what about Elena?" The older man asked, and I smiled at him.

"Carol and Beth will take sofas, we can leave one of the mattresses here for now, and I think we always need someone on watch anyway."

"That doesn't answer my question. You're very mysterious."

I took a shaky breath, looking around at the people that started to feel to me like a family. But it also wasn't any of their business. "I'll take last bedroom. It doesn't have a bed, but I'll manage."

Rick gave me a worried glance before urging everyone to move and start bringing our possessions inside. Before I could move anywhere, the sheriff grabbed my arm and whispered in my ear.

"You said no secrets." I looked up, his eyes bright blue, but I could see that he won't give up on that.

"Grab Daryl, meet me upstairs."

I stood by the door, the hand holding keys was shaking uncontrollably, my head touching the cold, wooden surface. I could hear voices, Carol and Lori chatting happily, Carl running around. T-Dog cracking jokes at Glenn. All while the tornado inside me was on the edge of escaping, cracking the emotional walls I spent years building up.

"El?" Voice behind me was soft and low, comforting. He must've noticed my hand because he grabbed it and pried the key off it. His chest pressed onto my back when he moved to reach the lock. He turned it once, and that was it. "Ya ready?"

"No." I sounded brittle, so I cleared my throat, taking a deep breath. "Alrighty, let's do it."

Daryl stepped back, and I opened the door. The room was quite small, comparing to the others. The walls were in warm cream color with deep purple carpet on the floor. In the corner stood small pine chest of drawers, opposite that, rocking chair of this same shade. And just in front of the doors, by the window, part of this same set, stood small crib, with pink sheets and purple blanket.

I decorated this room, as soon as I found out about the pregnancy, my parents were already dead at that point. Still, I wanted to bring up the kid away from the big city.

"Elena?" Rick's voice was small, looking obviously at the room, and trying to connect the dots. I walked inside, scoffing myself for making the carpet dirty. Looking at dirty, mud stains made my heart hurt. Finally, I twisted, reaching for a small black urn that sat on the dresser and turned back to them.

"Amelia Laura James. Born June twenty-third, two thousand and six." I spoke quietly, pointing at the urn. I wasn't going to say anything else, not to Rick, he didn't need to know. The hunter was another story, I promised him after all. I'll tell him mine, he will tell me his.

"I'm so sorry. When did she-"

"June twenty-third, two thousand and six."

He didn't say anything else; he just nodded and stepped out of the room, leaving me alone with Daryl. I looked at the object in my hands, stroking it gently, remembering tiny baby I wasn't even able to hold.

"I'm going to the back, spread the ashes. Close the door behind you." I told the man, leaving without looking at him. I don't need pity from Rick, not from the rest of the group, and certainly not from this redneck.

Voices became louder, coming from the kitchen, where the back doors were. People kept moving in and out, but at the moment, there was just Carol and Lori standing in the kitchen near the back door.

"We're checking what you got here." The older woman beamed at me, smiling widely. I guess having a roof over their heads, for coming winter cheered their spirits. I hummed on reply and started for a door when the brown-haired woman spoke.

"What's that?" Her voice was soft, I mean there is no mistaking what a fucking urn is, right? I was on the edge of crying as it is, I just had to get away from those praying eyes.

"Ask Rick. Excuse me." I walked past them and finally got out of the house.

I walked over to the corner of the property, to the tall Willow, and kneeled down next to it. That was the first tree my dad planted once they moved here from Chicago. My parents always wanted a quiet life, somewhere in the countryside, without prominent Skyliners and traffic noises. This was perfect for that, and I wanted this same for my girl. The little creature I never had a chance to meet.

I don't know how long I was sitting there, holding the urn, and silently crying. Everything around me was quiet, I completely blocked out the sounds coming from the house, for the past hours. It got darker, the sun setting down behind the horizon. But still, I heard him when he walked over, I think he wanted me to, after all, he knew how to move without making a sound.

He sat down next to me, one leg stretched in front of him, and the other propped up, so he could wrap his arms around it. I had to be a sight, with puffy eyes and a red face. A broken woman, a stranger comparing to the person I tried to be within the group.

"My dad. He was a bad person." I was surprised when Daryl finally spoke. I didn't expect him to, especially not to share his story first. "He liked to drink when he did, he took out his anger on Ma, or Merle. But then she died, and Merle took off."

I looked over at him, wiping my face and giving him my full attention. Hunter was looking ahead, watching leaves gently rocking with the wind. He was chewing on his thumb, and the other hand clenched tightly into a fist.

"I was only one left. He got angrier and was more drunk than sober. That's the scars. Belt." He shifted a little as if just a mention of that made his back itch. "Sometimes, when I was down, couldn't move, he'd put out cigarettes on me."

I closed my eyes, fighting another wave of tears, this time for the young boy, who had no one to save him, take care of, show what love and family really are about.

"Merle came back for me, though. When I was fifteen. Didn't finish school, just ran away with him. Grabbing random jobs, drink most of days, livin' off his drug money. He was in jail when turn happened. I was visitin' my Uncle, he wanted to show me that dad changed, stop drinkin'. Some bullshit. So three of us were stuck in the woods. Da got bit, I couldn't put him down." His voice got angrier, and he finally looked at me, shaking his head.

"After all that bastard did to me, Merle, Ma, still I couldn't fuckin' kill him. Uncle did, in-process he got bit too. We traveled for a day to get Merle out before he turned." He sighed and closed his eyes, I knew that it was the end of his story, and more tears spilled out of my eyes.

"When I was twenty-six, my parents died." I started in a chocked voice, barely recognizing it. "Murdered. I had my Ph.D. already, fresh out of the Academy, fresh in the BAU. We weren't allowed to intervene, local police pinned it as an armed robbery. Few things were missing from the house, you know." I took a deep breath, remembering how angry I was when we were told to go back to DC.

"They never caught him. But I became obsessed. In between cases, I was looking at similar break-ins across the country. And I found a connection. We were close, three times, we nearly got him, but he was smart. He played with us, with me. In the meantime, I found out I was pregnant. Some one night stand, a guy I used, to try to forget."

I licked my lips and sniffed when more tears came down my face.

"I was seven months when we got a lead again. I shouldn't even be in the field at that point. But I was, with only one person, a member of my unit, Peter. We shou- should've waited for the rest of the team and SWAT."

I had to stop, I was sobbing uncontrollably at that point, and I hid my face in the hands, trying to calm down. I was so close to the finish, to the end of the story. I felt a warm palm on my back, Daryl didn't move it, just hold still in that spot until I was ready.

"Conner Mathews. He killed Peter in front of me. And then with- with a big smile on his face, he ripped into my belly. Deep. I- the pain- I don't know how I managed that. From then on, everything is blurry. I had a knife in my boot. You know how I like knives. I- I slit his throat." I looked at Daryl, his face was unreadable, but he was listening.

"They took her out. I remember- I wanted to hold her so- so bad. I was out during the surgery, Michelle, my friend, was there when I woke up. All in pain, without a bump. And I was scr- screaming for my baby, to let me hold her. But by that time, she already told the doctor to- to cremate her. She was- so small and- didn't even look like a baby. Slashed, ripped apart. I was left with scars, an urn, and scarred ovaries to the point that I can't have any more kids."

I was chocking on my tears at that point. The pain in my chest almost as fresh as the morning I woke up in that hospital bed years ago. Gapping whole for something I lost and something I won't be able to have ever again.

Daryl shifted beside me, pulling me closer, and without hesitation, I buried my face in his chest. He was stiff at first, making me remember that he doesn't do well with physical contact, but he still placed his hands on my back, let me cry for as long as I needed. His embrace calmed me down, it felt like home. So I started to cry again, for Amelia, for alone, sad boy that was so mistreated by his parents. I sobbed, longing for something I won't ever have, for the warmth of Daryl's body, for feelings he won't return.

"We should go back," Daryl whispered in my ear. I don't even know how much time passed; the moon was already high in the sky, stars shinning, high above us.

"Alright." My voice was flat, I stopped crying some time ago, just enjoying that moment. Saying goodbye to the old life and memories. I hugged him tighter, for one last time and then pushed myself away from his body. "Thank you."

I stood up and grabbed the urn, looking at it for a moment before opening it. I tipped it to the side, letting ashes spill onto the ground next to the tree. Some of them were taken by the wind, some reached the earth and the roots.

"Goodnight, my love." It was time. That was the actual reason I was in Georgia at the beginning of the apocalypse. I wanted to do it on the anniversary of that day. Fucking walkers took that away from me, but I was back now, and it was time.

I wiped my face and took a deep breath, turning back towards the house. There was small light coming from the living room, and I knew I'll have to face the group. But it's alright, they're my new family, and they care.

"Come on, El." I followed the hunter to the door, and he knocked on it three times. Seconds later, they swang open, reviling Maggie's worried face. I guess she was on watch.

"You're back!" Before I could blink, she pulled me inside and hugged me.

"Mags, can't- breathe."

"Sorry." She stepped back, smiling gently. "We got dinner for you, some wine." She grabbed my hand and led me towards the living room. Carl stood up immediately from the couch, making a space for me, and that's where Maggie urged me to go. I looked around the room, observing what they did in the past hours. The bookshelf was closed again, giving no signs of a secret staircase. They moved chairs from the kitchen so everyone could sit together. A single mattress layed by the window with a pillow and a blanket.

Carol came to the room carrying two plates. Oh, we had fucking plates and cutlery. I never thought we would eat like that again. She looked at me uncomfortably, passed me one of the dishes, and gave the other to the hunter.

"We filled the basement," Rick said, he had taken a chair opposite the sofas, so he could see everyone. "And checked the generator. It's still good, but I think we should only turn it on when we need it."

I nodded at that and put a mouthful of food into my mouth. After swallowing, I broke the silence. "There's a lake, about ten minutes further into the woods. We could use it for washing, bring water in canisters or something."

I looked around the room, and just then realized that most of them had clean faces and fresh clothes. They already used the showers, it seemed.

"We took your room, I think," Maggie told me. "You still got clothes there, and we left some warm water for you and Daryl." She nodded towards the hunter, and he scrunched his face at the thought of shower.

"You can't keep walking dirty," Carol told him, looking over his filthy form.

"You all are welcome to take some clothes, but I don't know how well they'll fit you." I looked at Lori and smiled sadly at her. "I have some pregnancy pants. They might be too short, but at least your belly would be comfortable."

I finished eating and stood up. Glenn quickly took the plate from me, and I've been urged upstairs. Wow, they treat me like I'm gonna break down right here and now. My bedroom didn't change either, I moved towards a big wardrobe and picked new sets of clothes. New pair of denim pants and a purple blouse. That's for tomorrow, I moved to the dresser and found my old jogger bottoms and long sleeve FBI training sweatshirt, to sleep in.

The shower was refreshing, mainly because it was almost cold, I was tired, physically, and mentally. I didn't realize until this morning how scared of coming back here I was. But I think this is what I needed, some sort of closure. To finally close the doors to my past and not feel bad about it. To not keep all those memories and emotions bottled up inside me.

I think washing my hair was the most enjoyable, my locks were now nearly reaching my waist, heavy, tangled. I poured tons of conditioner on it, just to help brush it once I'm done.

I stepped out of the shower and wrapped my body and hair in towels. Wiping off the steam from the mirror, I looked at myself, for the first time in months, really looked. My face was hollow, eyes still puffy from all the crying I did this evening, there were few new wrinkles on my forehead, but I didn't care about that. I took the towel off and looked down at my body. It didn't change that much, the stomach was more flat, but ribs weren't super exposed, not yet at least. My breast seemed to be smaller but still sat proudly were they should be. My legs were less muscly, most of our running was now done by cars.

I quickly got dressed and found a brush and scissors in one of the drawers. I walked out of the bathroom, just to nearly bump into Daryl.

"Are you my bodyguard now?" I tried to tease him, though it still came out a bit flat.

"Nah, ya don't need one." I noticed he had a fresh pair of clothes in his arms, so I stepped aside, letting him go and wash. He stood still for a moment, before looking me in the eyes. "Ya alright?"

"Gotta be, Big Boy." I gave him a stiff smile and walked downstairs. It was more empty than before, Rick was whispering to T-Dog by the window, we agreed to keep watch during the night. Beth was lying comfortably under the blanket on one of the couches; the other was occupied by Carol, book in her hand.

"Carol, can you help me with something?" I asked her in a low tone, to not wake up a young woman. Carol looked at me and put the book away, following me to the kitchen.

It was a modern room, I slightly redecorated after my parents passed away, with a new cooker and counters.

"Elena, I wanted to-"

"Stop." I interrupted her, turning to face her. "You already apologized, you don't need to do it again."

"But I didn't know."

"No, you didn't. But it doesn't change anything." I pulled the towel out of my hair, letting it spill down my back. "Could you please cut my hair?"

She looked at me funny, but I ignored it and sat down on one of the stools next to the counter. I passed her the brush, and hesitantly she took it.

"Are you sure? They are beautiful." She started running it through my tangles locks, pulling at them gently.

"Yes. Maybe just below shoulders? So I can still tie it up. But they're so heavy, and dirt gets everywhere. And I'm afraid that one day I won't be able to brush them anymore."

"I don't think I ever saw you with your hair down." She commented, keep going at her actions.

"I don't want to be grabbed. I was vain, I should've done it months ago."

"You have a nice book collection here." She changed the subject, trying to pull at some, especially stubborn knot.

"My farther's mainly. But psychology books are mine."

"Hmm. Bangs or not?"

"With those curls? No, thank you." I answered, cringing at the images of myself with a fringe.

"OK, let's do it then unless you changed your mind?"

"No. Go for it, Carol."

The short-haired woman used the brush again, pulling any loose strands back, away from my face. She reached for the scissors from the counter and touched a point by my shoulder.

"Here?"

"A little lower, it's shorter when dried."

Carol started cutting, and I felt a little anxious. I always had long hair for as long as I can remember. But maybe that was another problem. I kept clinging to the past. My attitude, pushing people away, only because I was scared of what happened to me. No, today it's a new me. Amelia is resting in peace, she never had to live through fucking zombies, neither did my parents. And that's something I should be glad about. They don't have to suffer, lose people, they won't get bitten.

"I think it's done. Tell me if it's alright." Carol pulled me out of my thoughts, I stood up and walked to the hallway, to look into the mirror. My hair was still wet, but so far, the length seemed OK. I bend down, putting my head down, and kneaded locks a little to make them more pronounced. I straightened up and looked at myself again.

"Yes, it's perfect, thank you, Carol. Goodnight." I smiled at her and walked past her back to the kitchen. I grabbed my things and climbed up the stairs, moving towards the bedroom at the end of the corridor. The door wasn't closed like it should be, and I could see flicking light of a candle seeping through the crack. I pushed the door open and looked at the figure propped against the wall.

"You just can't stay away, Dixon."

"Do ya want me to go?" I thought about that for a second, observing him. He was clean, his hair still damp. They were getting longer, some loose strands getting into his eyes, others start to cover his ears. He had both legs bend in front of him, a bottle of whiskey in one of his hands.

"No." I never want you to go, you hillbilly, I'll always gravitate towards you. "You need help with that?" I pointed towards the bottle, grabbing a purple blanket from the crib and sitting down next to him.

Daryl didn't reply, just opened the drink and passed it to me.

"You don't have a watch tonight?"

"Nah, I told Rick I'll do tomorrow night."

I scoffed because I knew why the sheriff agreed to that. "They all walk on the eggshells around me, now."

"They care. Ya said it. We family. We take care of each other."

"How much did you drink already?"

"Shut up." I laughed at that and swallowed a sip of a golden drink. It made me cringe a little, warm feeling spreading from my mouth to the bottom of the belly.

"Ya cut yur hair." He commented, casually, making me look over at him.

"I did."

"Looks good on ya." Alrighty, I definitely blushed, I wasn't expecting him to notice, and surely wasn't ready for a complement.

"Thank you. Tomorrow, I want to start teaching them self-defense." I told the man, giving him back the bottle.

"Ya think it's a good idea?" He said in his normally hoarse voice.

"We finally have sort of secured place, we're far away from streets and walkers. Yeah, it's time."

"Alright."

"I'll need your help, though."

"What for, woman?" He furrowed his brows at me, not understanding my implications.

"The main thing about self-defense is to protect yourself from bigger opponents. How to neutralize them quickly and efficiently."

"Use Rick."

I hummed and cocked my head, smirking at him playfully. "I thought about that. But we can't have our leader injured, can we?"

"Ya think ya'll put me down, princess?" I saw a mischievous spark in his eyes, I pried the bottle from his grasp and took a long gulp, still looking him in the eyes.

"I'd need two minutes tops."

"In yur dreams."

"Oh, so you think I wouldn't be able to?"

"Look at ya. Ya what? Five, four? hundred pounds no more." He was shaking his head, seemed genuinely amused.

"Five, three, and it's more like a hundred twenty, thank you very much. But I understand." I took another sip before he snatched the drink from me.

"What?"

"Oh, that you're scared." He huffed at that, but I kept talking. Reverse psychology, bitch. "You don't want them to see you lose to small women, like myself. It's fine, I'll tell Rick you not up to the task."

"Shut up, woman. Fine, I'll do it, just stop with yur games." I looked at him, innocently and laughed.

"Thanks, Daryl. To be fair, it'll be good for you as well."

"Hmm."

We spoke for a little bit more, I layed on my side, facing him, watching his face, when he was telling me one of the stories about Merle and his drug dealer. I could listen to his voice all the time, but now, it was calming me down, making my eyes close. Putting me to sleep, with his gravelly baritone and that southern drawl. Wrapped in Amelia's blanket, with his warm body just inches from me, my soul lighter than it's been for a long time.

A/N: What you think? I'm super excited about those chapters between season 2 and 3. I hope you'll like them too. Review and tell me what you think so far. What you like or dislike, don't be a silent reader.

Cheers :)