Chapter 25

Gwen's baby was adorable. When Merlin and Arthur were wheeled in, Gwen was reading a book while Lancelot slept in an armchair, his child in his arms.

"Merlin!" Gwen sighed in relief, "Arthur. I'm so glad you're both alright."

"This isn't about us, Gwen. Congratulations," Arthur smiled, "So, tell us: do I owe Merlin a pizza?"

Gwen frowned, "Hm?"

"He's asking if it's a boy or a girl?"

"You have a bet on my child?"

"It's only a pizza," Arthur defended before quickly thanking the nurses who had brought them over as they left.

"Alright," Gwen looked hesitant.

"If it's a boy, I told Merlin we could have pizza for tea, but if it's a girl we're having curry."

"Merlin hates curry!" Gwen said.

"Exactly. So, pizza or curry?"

Lancelot stirred and sat up groggily, smiling down at his baby before looking up at Arthur and Merlin in surprised joy, "I'm so glad to see you two."

"Don't they look adorable in their matching wheelchairs?" Gwen teased.

"This still isn't about us," Arthur said, "You've just had a baby! We've been in here about a million times over the past year. It's not news. And I want to know what I'm having for dinner when we get home."

"What?" Lancelot raised an eyebrow.

"Please, Gwen," Merlin said, "If it's curry just tell me so I have time to prepare."

"What are you-"

"It's pizza, Merlin."

He grinned, "Amazing. I mean, I'm happy for you."

"Am I dreaming?" Lancelot asked.

Gwen laughed, "Don't worry about it. Now why don't you let our friends meet our child?"

Lancelot gently handed the baby to Arthur who cradled him as best he could with his one arm, "So the boys' team increases, then," he said, "Gwen and Morgana are still outnumbered."

"He's gorgeous," Merlin said.

"He is," Arthur agreed, "Does he have a name?"

"Not yet," Lancelot said, "We're still thinking about it. We've got a few ideas."

Lancelot handed the baby to Merlin carefully. "He's really beautiful," Merlin said.

"Sorry we didn't bring anything," Arthur said, "We had toys and clothes in the car but-"

"Presents are the last thing you need to think about," Gwen scolded.

Lancelot nodded, "It's not like he knows any different. Besides, Morgana's already spoiled him rotten."

"Oh," Gwen suddenly remembered, "Merlin, would you do us the honour of being his godfather?"

Merlin's jaw dropped and he looked up in surprise, "Really?"

"Merlin, you changed our lives. We wouldn't have met without you, we wouldn't have been a part of this family. Aside from each other, you're the most important person in our lives."

"How much did you pay Gwen to say the cheesy, sappy stuff, Lance?" Arthur laughed.

"She was more than happy to. So, what do you think, Merlin?"

"I'd be honoured. Thank you."

Arthur smiled proudly at Merlin and took his hand. Lancelot took the baby back and handed placed him in the little crib.

"Oh," Arthur remembered, "Not to take away from the moment, but do you know who's looking after Killi?"

"Morgana's got him at the moment but your father offered to take him if she needed."

"Is he alright?" Merlin asked.

"He's fine," Gwen assured him, "He's got lots of space to run around and Leon cooks him the most spectacular sausages."

"They'd better not let him get fat," Arthur said.

Arthur was discharged within a couple of days and Merlin insisted he went home to get some proper rest. Merlin himself was kept in for a little while longer. His lungs were being problematic and causing him a few difficulties. A couple of times during the nights, he'd stopped breathing all together and it caused Arthur constant stress. For the first few days, his breathing seemed to get worse rather than better and no one could quite understand why. But then, his condition stopped deteriorating but made no signs of improving.

Arthur didn't want to go home. Not after the scares during the night for Merlin who was now being monitored constantly. It was strange sleeping in the house alone. No Merlin, no Killi. Just him by himself. Like it had been before anything ever happened.

He hadn't thought much about what Morgana had told him about the man who drove the van into them. He'd been too concerned with himself, Merlin and the baby to think about anything else. It was a bit concerning. But Arthur didn't want to worry about it until his and Merlin's health had improved.

He kept his new phone on Merlin's pillow and woke up every couple of hours to check it for any calls. He didn't sleep well at all. He kept imagining all those times in the hospital where an alarm had sounded from the bed next to him and he'd turned to see Merlin writhing around, mouth open as he tried to get breath. And then, after a couple of minutes, he stilled completely and, to begin with, Arthur calmed, thinking that whatever mishap had passed. And he'd wait for Merlin to take another breath. And he'd wait. But he wouldn't.

So the doctors would come and sort it out. But maybe it would happen again a few hours later. Merlin never even knew. He'd wake up the next morning as if nothing had happened. But he'd look weaker.

Arthur was terrified that Merlin was dying. That this time, after two fires, an explosion, a collapse and a puncture, his lungs couldn't take it anymore and there would be a time where the doctors couldn't force him to take another breath. Maybe there'd be a time, fairly soon, Merlin's chest would fall and never rise again.

He told himself that it was a silly thought and Merlin had been through much worse. At least he woke up through the day and would talk normally. Surely that meant nothing awful was going on. And no one at the hospital had told Arthur he needed to be worried. Maybe they thought he'd figure that out for himself.

Waking up to an empty house was worse than falling asleep in one. For a while, Arthur just stared at the space where Merlin was meant to be, imagining him there, still sleeping peacefully. He wondered, should his father had never met or married Catrina, if Arthur would ever have told Merlin how he felt. If, should there had been no fire, no fall and no car crash, Arthur would be lying in bed alone anyway. Maybe that would have been a better outcome. They wouldn't have had each other but they probably wouldn't have needed each other. Merlin would still have a brother, two legs and a healthy body. He'd still be living in that little flat with Gwaine and Will, going in to work every day, bringing Arthur his coffee. Arthur vaguely wondered if Merlin would ever bring him a coffee again.

Arthur realised that his pillow was getting soaked with his tears as he thought about everything that had happened and how different their lives would be if Camelot hadn't exploded.

He got up, feeling very lonely without the usual morning kiss and cuddle from Merlin, and he splashed water over his face to wash away his tears. He then grabbed his phone, tempted to call the hospital and ask if anything had happened. For a while he just stared at his lock screen and felt tears springing up again. It was a photo from around Christmas where he and Merlin were sitting together on the sofa, laughing at Killi who was jumping between their laps. He realised he didn't need to call anyone. He needed to see Merlin.

He didn't bother getting any breakfast, he called a taxi and went straight to the hospital, holding his phone tightly the whole way there. He was shaking as he got out the taxi, nearly forgetting to pay, and headed through the hospital. Merlin had been moved to a different ward when Arthur was discharged. Ideally, he would have been there from the start, but any time he was separated from Arthur, Merlin would panic and become unbearably anxious.

Arthur walked into the ward that Merlin was on and sat beside his bed. He looked awful. His face paler and sweaty, his eyes sunken and red. Arthur knew something must be really wrong because Merlin willingly put down the book he was reading to look at Arthur.

"What's wrong?" they both asked at the same time and then laughed half-heartedly.

Merlin took Arthur's hand, "What's the matter?"

"I didn't sleep well."

"Lonely?"

"Something like that."

"Tell me."

"I just- I thought-" he sighed, "I was thinking about how much everything sucks. Because the reality is if Camelot hadn't burned down, I'd probably still be treating you awfully. Taking everything you do for me for granted, abusing my power over you and never telling you the truth. And it took you nearly dying for me to change. Lying in bed this morning by myself, I realised I'd still be by myself if the fire hadn't happened. How is that fair on you? I really need you, Merls, and I hate that all these things have happened to you. I don't like seeing you in pain now, but I used to be the one causing you pain."

"I don't know what you mean."

"I'm so scared you're going to die, Merlin. And I don't know what will happen to me if that happens. I don't want to go back to being that horrible, selfish, arrogant man I was before. I don't want to live without you."

"Please don't think about what could have happened. The hotel did burn down Arthur and everything that's happened since did happen. And now, maybe I'm not easy to be with, and no, I don't have two legs and yes, I'm too scared to even try to stand up but nothing can change that. And you make it better. I don't care that you've changed. Before the fire, I was happy dreaming that you might love me but now I'm even happier."

"Really?"

"We've both changed, Arthur. And as far as I'm concerned, you're the very handsome, caring, patient, loving, kind, loyal, protective boyfriend I've had for nearly a year now." Merlin reached up and wiped Arthur's tears away, "How's your shoulder?"

"It aches. And it's annoying. But it'll get better. Anyway, that's why I'm an emotional sappy mess this morning, what's wrong with you?"

"I needed you. You weren't here."

"You told me to go," Arthur pointed out with an affectionate laugh.

"I know. But I was scared."

"Well, I'm not going anywhere now."

"I think they're worried about me. The doctors. The nurses. They don't say anything but… something's not right, Arthur. And I'm really scared."

"Don't be scared," Arthur tried to keep his emotions in check, "You don't need to be scared. You're going to be fine."

"I don't think they know what's wrong with me. How can they help me get better if they don't know what's wrong?"

Arthur ran a hand through his hair, "Do you want me to go and talk to someone?"

"I want you to stay here. Please."

Arthur nodded, "Of course." He leant forward and kissed Merlin, their tears mixing together and tasting salty on their lips.

Merlin sniffled, "How's Gwen and the baby?"

"They're fine. He's settled really well at their home. It sounds to me like he's basically an angel child. Sleeps relatively well through the night, doesn't cry much."

"Of course Gwen and Lance's child would be completely perfect," Merlin laughed, "Nothing made by them would be anything less."

"They're thinking about bringing him in to see you at some point. Once he's settled properly at home."

"Did you buy him anything?"

"I re-ordered what we'd already bought online last night."

"Have they named him yet?"

"Not that they've told me. They're very determined to ask about you instead of tell me about them."

"That's no change."

"I think Gwen and Lance would adopt you if they could. Or if Morgana didn't do it first."

Merlin laughed, "They're the only females in this group. And it's a lot easier to baby me than Percival."

"You're very lovable," Arthur told him, kissing him on the nose, "I bet Gwen's kid will grow up to be jealous of you."

"Arthur!"

"I'm joking. You are mine."

"I'm so glad you won't let our friends adopt me," Merlin laughed and then started coughing painfully.

Arthur looked at him sadly.

"Don't look at me like that," Merlin groaned, "You're making me think this is serious."

"Everything's serious to me if it involves you."

Merlin scoffed and smiled, "How's Killi?"

"I haven't seen him. I didn't think there was any point bringing him home if I'd be spending all day here anyway. Morgana's still got him. And they're watching over everything on site as well."

"How's it going?"

"Really well. They builders will be done in a couple of months. Then we'll have to decide when we want to open."

"I want to spend Christmas with you," Merlin said, "Properly. Not like last time when I wasn't in a great mood and we didn't do anything except sit on the sofa and eat."

"Do you want to stay here? We could invite your mum over again. Or go back to Ireland maybe?"

"Here. I want to be here with you. I don't want my mum fussing over us or refusing to let us leave the house."

"We can go for a walk," Arthur smiled.

"Have hot chocolates and pastries for breakfast."

"Eat the biggest Christmas dinner ever."

"Watch a film."

"Listen to music."

"We can sit in the hot tub with champagne," Merlin teased.

Arthur smiled, "We'll spoil Killi."

"We can get him a stocking!"

They laughed and Arthur sobered, "So you're going to have to get better."

Merlin nodded, "For Killi."

Arthur chuckled, "You look really tired. Do you want to get some sleep?"

"I'm scared. I don't ever realise anything happened. I wake up thinking that maybe I'm getting better and then I realise how much weaker I feel and the doctors all look so much more confused. It's so terrifying to know that I could just die in the middle of the night," he cried, "I've had enough, Arthur. I don't get why these things keep happening to me!"

"It's not fair," Arthur agreed, "And you're the last person who deserves any of it."

"Wasn't the first crash enough? That's more than most people would ever go through. And then the hotel, and the stairs and another crash. Even the infections! Why me?"

"Maybe the world's just jealous that you have the most amazing boyfriend in the universe."

"Well the world can back off because you're mine and I am not leaving you any time soon. I don't care how many limbs I lose."

"You're not losing any more limbs."

"What would you do if I did?" Merlin suddenly looked a bit scared.

"The amount of accidents you get into isn't going to scare me off. I'm more than used to looking after you by now."

"You're so patient," Merlin said, "You've never once got annoyed with me or complained that you basically have to do everything for me."

"Why would I?"

"It can't exactly be easy."

"I could never say a bad word about you," Arthur said, "There's nothing I can think of to complain about. I'm upset these terrible things keep happening to you, because you don't deserve any of it, but that's not your fault. And you're the most amazing person in the world for still managing to wake up and smile every day."

"Presuming I can continue to wake up every morning," Merlin smiled dryly.

"Don't say that."

"I don't want to leave you, Arthur."

"Then don't," Arthur smiled, his eyes watery, "Get some sleep, Merls. I'll be here the whole time, I promise. I'll fight off anything that tries to hurt you."

Merlin settled down, still looking terrified. Arthur reached out and stroked his cheek, "I won't let anything happen to you." Merlin melted into Arthur's touch and closed his eyes.

A selfish part of Arthur was tempted to leave. He didn't want to see Merlin in pain should his lungs fail again. He didn't have to watch him struggle to hold on. But he couldn't do that to Merlin. If he needed Arthur there, Arthur would stay. He would always stay.