Chapter 25

Tim fell asleep almost as soon as they were on the road again, and Tony had to admit that he felt bad...about too many things. After the euphoria of knowing that his adopted son actually wanted to be his son had faded a little, he had remembered what came right before that revelation, and he felt terrible about it.

It had become increasingly obvious that Tim hadn't really set it aside. He had stopped making suggestions and he was a lot quieter. After all the times Tony had tried to get Tim to see that it was important for both of them to have a say on these trips and to enjoy their time, he felt like an idiot for essentially throwing all that effort away by accusing Tim of something he always felt guilty of. The problem was that he now didn't know what to do about it. He had apologized more than once, and he had meant it, but what now? Tim didn't really seem over it, and Tony didn't blame him at all.

Why did I say that to him?

That was the question that kept rolling around in his head because he genuinely had no idea why he had let that slip out of his mouth. It had to be in his brain somewhere; otherwise, he wouldn't have said it, even in a moment of frustration.

But did he really feel that way about Tim? Certainly, Tim had gone through a lot and it had spilled over into everything else, but this last time, no one had wanted to have that happen, and that applied both to Tim's illness and to Gibbs showing up out of nowhere. But Tony didn't blame Tim for the things he couldn't control.

Did he?

Tony decided he needed to talk to someone who wasn't Tim to help him figure out why in the world he had said that and what he could do to make it up to Tim because he really didn't want to leave it at just saying sorry...since that didn't really seem like enough.

"Tim, are you awake?" he asked, keeping his voice soft.

Tim didn't even stir. In fact, his head tipped back and he started snoring. Tony smiled. No one could snore quite like Tim did. But that pretty much guaranteed that he was sleeping deeply.

In fact, Tony saw a place to pull over, and he decided to see if he could do as he and Tim had done when Tommy and Daniel were sleeping and come to a stop without waking Tim up. It was risky because he'd have to explain himself if Tim did wake up.

It was worth it.

Tony slowed down and pulled off onto the turnout and then put the car in park before pulling out his phone. He kept the car running and the music going so that Tim would be less likely to hear him and then he turned away from Tim and toward the door so he could keep his voice down.

...and then, he quickly called Ducky.

"Hello, Anthony. I'm surprised to hear from you again so soon."

"Hey, Ducky. Don't talk so loud, okay?"

"What's going on?"

"Tim's sleeping and I don't want to wake him up...but I did something really stupid today and I was hoping you could help me figure out what to do to fix it."

"I make no promises. What happened?"

"Well, I was trying to make today be easy... you know, like you said... only it wasn't really working."

"Oh, no, Anthony. I didn't say to make it. I said to let it. There's quite a difference between forcing something into a particular state and allowing it to move into that state."

Tony wasn't really in the mood for Ducky's deep philosophical statements.

"Whatever, Ducky. That's not... that's not the problem."

"I'm sorry. What is it?"

"Well, we'd gone on a short hike in the Everglades. And for some reason, everything Tim was doing and saying was irritating me."

"This doesn't sound like it's headed anywhere good."

"It's not. It's really bad."

"Well, tell me."

"Tim had stopped to look at a tree or something and I just wanted to get back to the car, but he wouldn't hurry up... so..." Tony really didn't want to repeat what he'd said, but Ducky couldn't know if he didn't say it. "...suddenly I... I said that I was tired of everything being about him and I wished that he'd think about someone else for once."

There was a long silence. Tony started worrying.

"Ducky?"

"Anthony... if you don't mind my saying so, that was, indeed, a very stupid thing to say. What ever possessed you?"

"I don't know. I don't know who was more shocked by it: me or Tim. But I know who was hurt by it."

"Anthony, that is the worst charge you could lay at Timothy's feet, the one thing he himself has felt he did too much. Why? You can't just say you don't know and leave it at that. There must be something going on in your mind that led you to it, and if you don't figure it out, there's nothing I can do to help you with it."

"I felt terrible as soon as it slipped out. I apologized almost right after, and I meant it, but I don't think Tim was... I hurt him, Duck. And I really didn't want to. I don't know what to do."

"Think, Anthony. If you truly wish to do something about it, you must be willing to do some serious thinking about what guided your actions. No matter how hard it is to do it. You must be willing to confront the parts of yourself you may not like to think about."

Tony didn't like the reprimand or the instruction, but he could see the truth and the wisdom in both. So he thought about it. ...and while it felt like a lame excuse, Tony could start to see what was going on, at least in part.

"I think part of it..."

"Yes?"

"Tim was right."

"About what?"

"I didn't want him to be, but... he said that he thought I was burned out by all the stuff I have to do with my family, by how hard it is. I told him no, but then, when he pushed... So many of the road trips have been about Tim's problems, and part of me just wanted to have one of them be about me. I wanted Tim to solve my problems the way that I've tried to solve his, and... and I hate myself for saying it, for having thought it..."

"Yes?"

"I felt like I was going to be forgotten again. I wanted to let Tim do something for me. I wanted to have him help me through this slump, but he needed me to help him again and it wasn't fair. And you don't have to tell me how stupid that is. I know."

Tony looked over at Tim. He was still snoring.

"No, Anthony. It's actually not. Your thoughtless reaction was definitely stupid, but your feelings are not at all. Your friendship with Timothy can be taxing at times. Timothy knows it and tries to ameliorate it when he can, but still..."

"Did you know that his doctor diagnosed him with PTSD?"

"No, although I'm not at all surprised...nor am I surprised he hasn't shared that out much. His reactions fit that diagnosis far too well. That means these issues may come up throughout his life, although it is certainly not guaranteed. He's in therapy and he has dramatically improved. This is something you will have to accept about him, Anthony. PTSD is generally considered a permanent disorder, even if the severity of it decreases."

"I know that, and I..." Tony sighed softly. "I was going to say I've accepted that, but maybe I haven't. When I have so much stress at home... maybe..." He looked at Tim again. He didn't want Tim to hear this part. Still snoring. "...maybe I'm afraid that I can't handle stress from other sources, too."

"Anthony, you sound a trifle overwhelmed."

Another long, deep sigh. In one sentence, Ducky had managed to say what Tony was feeling. Tim had given him a few pieces, but putting them all together...

"Yeah," he said, almost in a whisper.

"Honestly, Anthony, that is not unexpected from someone such as yourself."

"Such as myself? What do you mean?"

"I mean that you have thrown yourself fully into the life you always wanted, but unlike most people, you didn't get the chance to adjust to the greater responsibilities gradually. You got them all at once, and it's to your credit that you've done so well, but I can hear it in your voice. You're starting to run out of the energy required to face it. That means you have to do something about it. If not... forgive me for saying it, but you'll more than likely let it out in bursts where you say or do something incredibly stupid."

"But what about right now?" Tony asked. "I... Maybe you're right, but I want to be able to do something for Tim right now. Not later."

"I don't know what will be best, so I have a suggestion you may not like."

"What?"

"Ask Timothy what you can do for him to help him get over his hurt."

"He'll say that I don't need to do anything, Ducky. He'll just push it away...especially because of what I said," Tony said quickly.

"He may. That means you have to be a little insistent, and this may, initially make your stress worse, which I regret, but if you persevere, I think you'll find that you feel better afterward. When you know you've done something wrong, it makes everything else seem worse until you do your best to repair that damage. You know about the damage, Anthony. Now, you must do something about it."

"I know."

"I know you do. That's why you called. Now, take a deep breath."

"What?"

"Just do it."

Tony shrugged to himself and did as Ducky suggested.

"Let it out slowly. Repeat that four more times while I'm on the phone with you."

"This is a little weird."

"Do it anyway."

"Okay."

Tony did as he was told. Just sitting there in the car, with Tim snoring sonorously beside him. He sat there and breathed in and out, and, to his surprise, the feeling of hurtling out of control lessened just a little bit. Not that it went away, but it didn't feel quite so impossible to handle it.

"Feel any better?"

"A little, yeah."

"You need to take some time and figure out how to manage your life. Now, since it is your home life that is your major source of stress, that should be done with your wife, but you should do something about it."

"Yeah."

"Good. Now, continue on with your vacation and I hope that you will allow tomorrow to be easy, rather than trying to force it."

Tony laughed a little. "I think you're making that advice up."

"I may be, but you'll never know if you don't try it."

"Hah. Thanks, Ducky."

"Anytime, as I've said before. Good-bye, Anthony."

"Bye."

Tony hung up, put the car in gear and slowly eased back onto the road.

Tim never even moved. If it wasn't for the snoring, Tony would have thought he might be dead.

The drive up toward Fort Myers went smoothly. As they got closer, Tony decided it was time to find a hotel room. Someplace nice and right on the beach if possible. In fact, he didn't care how much it cost. He'd pay for it if he had to, but he was going to get Tim out on the beach and relaxing. The last time had been ruined and it would be ruined long-term if Tim didn't have a good experience...and Tony needed to make up for what he'd said.

"Okay, Tim. Time to wake up," Tony said.

He reached over and shook Tim gently.

"Tim? We need to find a hotel. We're getting close to Fort Myers."

Tim snorted and jumped a little, but his eyes opened lazily. He sat up and yawned.

"What?" he asked.

Tony smiled. "Get out your phone. We need to find a hotel. Beachfront, and no arguments."

Tim took a deep breath and shook his head as he pulled out his phone.

"Sleep well?" Tony asked.

"Unfortunately, yes," Tim mumbled. "I didn't want to need it that much."

Tony smiled and didn't comment on it.

"Beachfront, remember," he said as Tim started searching.

"We don't have to do that, Tony."

"Yes, we do. You promised your team. We can't let them down."

Tim smiled a little and kept searching without comment. It took longer than Tony expected.

"All the hotels booked?"

"Well, a lot of them and you want beachfront. There are some pretty expensive ones."

"How expensive?"

"Well, here's one for over a thousand."

"Wow. Not that expensive."

Tim smiled and Tony knew he had chosen that one just to push beyond Tony's limits.

"Beachfront, beach view, private balcony. Four hundred. We weren't really going to do the more expensive ones after Key West."

"I know, but we need to tonight. Tomorrow night, we'll be more simple."

"Promise?" Tim asked.

"Yes."

"Okay."

"So get it."

"I did."

"And now, give me directions."

"Well, you're going to have to drive over the ocean again."

"What?"

"There's a causeway, leading to Sanibel Island. But it's not very long."

"Okay, I guess that's worth it," Tony said.

Tim gave him directions and before they knew it, they were pulling up to a fancy resort and checking. It was a two-bedroom suite with a fairly large view of the Gulf of Mexico and a sparkling, white beach just below them.

"Nice choice, Tim. I approve," Tony said as he looked out the window.

"I'm glad," Tim said as he set down his bags.

They were going to get a good dinner, but Tony decided that maybe it would be good to talk here before dinner so that they could (hopefully) enjoy it.

"Hey, Tim?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we talk before we find where we're going to eat?"

To Tim's credit, he didn't try to pretend he had no idea what Tony was referring to. He sighed.

"Please?" Tony asked.

Tim sat down on the couch and raised an eyebrow.

"Okay. What?"

Tony walked over and sat down across from him.

"What can I do to fix things?" he asked.

Tim looked surprised. Tony supposed that he hadn't expected such a blunt question, but that was what he wanted to know and he wanted to get right into it. Tim looked at him for a moment and then stared out the window at the gulf.

"You don't need to fix anything, Tony," he said. "I know you didn't mean it. You apologized."

"And that wasn't enough. We both know it, Tim. I feel terrible about what I said to you. It was just about the worst thing I could have said and I hate that I did it. I apologized and I meant it, but that isn't enough. I've noticed, but I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to... make it better."

Tim took another deep breath and he turned back to Tony, but he didn't say anything. He just looked at Tony with that faint expression of surprise.

"Really, Tim. I want to do something. Anything. Just tell me."

"You could try to explain it to me," he said. "If you didn't mean it, you can explain why you said it... and if you don't actually feel that way, you could tell me that you aren't trying to tell me that you're fed up with me and wished that we weren't friends."

"No, Tim. That didn't even..." Tony stopped. He had to be honest but he wasn't sure how to be honest without hurting Tim again because he knew that Tim had tried to help him, that he wanted to, that Gibbs' appearance had shocked him and thrown him off kilter.

"What?" Tim asked.

"Tim, I..." Tony paused again and then decided to use Ducky's word. "You were right. I'm feeling a little burned out and... I'm a little... overwhelmed by everything. I wanted you to be able to figure out what I should do and... after Gibbs showed up and threw everything out the window..." He sighed and couldn't keep looking at Tim whose expression had now shifted to quizzical. "I felt like everything that I was dealing with was going to be forgotten and I'd just have to deal with it on my own. I shouldn't have felt that way. I know it. But I did, and right at that moment, it took over and came out. It shouldn't have. I'm so... I'm so sorry that it did because it was the worst thing I could have said to you."

There was a long silence.

"No, it wasn't," Tim said softly.

Tony looked up and saw Tim's expression. It was carefully blank for the moment.

"Yes, it was. It was terrible, Tim," Tony said. "It was like everything I've tried to do for you before just got cancelled out by my being an idiot."

"No, it wasn't," Tim said again. He tapped his molars together a few times. "The worst thing you could have said to me was that you were giving up on me, that it wasn't worth knowing me, that our friendship was over. That's the worst thing you could have said... and you didn't."

"No, I didn't."

"And you claim you didn't want to say that, either."

"I definitely didn't."

Tim took a deep breath and looked out the window.

"Good."

That was it for a moment. Then, just when Tony was about to tentatively try to talk again, Tim got up and walked out to the balcony. Tony followed him. Tim leaned on the railing and Tony did, too.

"It hurt, Tony," Tim said. "It really did. I've tried all day to make it not hurt, but it did. I know you didn't mean it, but if you only knew how much I've been trying to figure out what to do for you. I just don't know. I feel like I mess everything up, that when I try to make things better, I make them worse."

"No, Tim, you..."

Tim wasn't done. He interrupted Tony. "And so, when you said that I needed to think about someone else for once, it felt like you'd just slapped me across the face... because I'd been thinking about very little else up to that point. I even called Ducky to see if he could help me help you."

Tony winced. Ducky hadn't mentioned that.

"And so... what you said really hurt because... I know I've been selfish before, wanting everything to be about me, but I didn't this time. I just stopped to look at a tree that I'd never seen before."

And to Tony's surprise, Tim actually sounded a little teary. And he could see that this really had hurt, and that part of what Tim wanted was a chance to say that it hurt, to let Tony know just what he'd done...which meant that one of the most important things he could do right now was let Tim say it.

He moved close enough to put an arm around Tim's shoulders.

"I'm sorry, Tim," he said again. It was repetitious but at the same time, it was important. Tony knew it was important that, as Tim explained more of what hurt, he apologize for that particular aspect. "I know that you like wondering about things, asking the questions whether there's an answer or not. I just let myself forget it."

"I didn't want to take any extra time anywhere else we went...but I just didn't know what to say and you were so happy about Daniel that I didn't want to mess that up, too."

"Thanks. I was... I still am."

"Yeah. You deserve that, Tony."

"And you deserved to be able to enjoy yourself, too. I was wrapped up in myself too much."

"I know how that feels."

"Yeah, but it's no better for me than for you, and I shouldn't have lashed out at you just because I was feeling frustrated...especially when there was absolutely no reason to do it right then... or anytime, really, but definitely not right then. It was wrong of me."

"Yeah, it was," Tim said, almost whispering. Then, he smiled a little, still staring out at the water. "But I forgive you."

And that meant more to Tony than he would have thought, all things considered.

"Thanks," he said.

"Do you forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive, Tim. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Yes, I did. I didn't help you."

"Yeah, you did. You got me to see that I might be needing some help dealing with my life, that I might be burned out by the things I love. And even if it didn't work, I know you were trying to make things easy today, but we were trying too hard. So tomorrow, we're going to lay out on the beach, secure in the knowledge that there's no way Gibbs will be there since the sailing expo is still going on in Key West, and we're going to relax, maybe even go out into the water a little bit... okay?"

"I just don't know if it'll work, Tony."

"It will. I promise. Will you try?"

"Yeah. Don't know what else to do, anyway," Tim said. "What now?"

"Now, we find a good place to get dinner, somewhere close by. Then, you get to sleep, and so will I and we'll wake up tomorrow and start over. How does that sound?"

"It sounds all right," Tim said.

Tony could tell that Tim wasn't all the way over everything, but he was better. It was a start, and they'd talked about it instead of just stewed about it individually. That was important, too.

"So... where should we get dinner?" he asked.

And he tried to let that be all that mattered for the moment.