whatever it takes

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down

And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change

I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes.

— "Whatever It Takes," Lifehouse

Central City Cemetary.

The rain fell thick and heavy on their black umbrellas, mirroring the tears that streamed down their faces. It was relentless, really, the unyielding downpour, but Barry was glad for it. It would've felt wrong if the sun shone brightly. This way, it seemed like the whole world was mourning Henry Allen. Mourning the injustice of it all — that Barry had just gotten his father back before Zoom snatched him away.

Feel the anger, Barry! Zoom's voice resounded in his head. Feel it! Now you're just like me.

"My father —" Barry started, his voice cracking. He swallowed thickly, fighting the tears that inevitably rose in his eyes.

But all he could think was nonononono.

"I can't do this right now, guys," Barry said, turning away from the grave. From his father, finally laid to rest next to his beloved wife, the gravestones of Henry and Nora Allen freshly cleaned from the rain.

Caitlin yearned to reach for him from under her own umbrella, but she knew that some things took more than the comfort of a simple touch.

"Henry Allen…" Joe began, and launched into the most beautiful eulogy Caitlin had ever heard. Barry's eyes filled with the tears he'd been holding back, and he let himself cry freely as he listened to his surrogate father's words about his biological dad, about the man who he had never, ever stopped believing in, whom the world took away from him far too soon.

Family was everything to Barry, and it seemed like the universe was conspiring against him to take that away.

Joe finished his speech and nodded at his surrogate son. Barry plucked a deep red rose and laid it carefully on his father's grave.

One by one, they all followed, Caitlin the last to lay a rose down. "I wish I could've gotten to know you better," she whispered, brushing her thumb softly on the smooth marble tombstone. "I know how much Barry loves and needs you."

The sun began to break through the clouds and Barry knelt down next to Caitlin. "I'm going to find him, Dad. I'm going to take from him what he took from you. Whatever it takes."

There was darkness and vengeance and determination in his voice. Caitlin hoped that he wouldn't prove Zoom right by becoming just like him. She reached for his hand and he grasped her tightly, as if she were his lifeline.

S.T.A.R. Labs, Pipeline.

"You're planning on killing him," Joe said incredulously.

"Of course! I'm going to kill him because he deserves it. After all we've been through. I'm going to do whatever it takes."

"I'm sorry, Barry," Joe said. "Because I will too."

Confusion flashed across Barry's face as Joe shot him, pulling his unconscious body into the power-dampening cell.

"You guys! You have to let me out!" Barry was up quickly, pounding against the walls. "Please!"

"I'm sorry, but it's a decision we all made," Joe said softly, yet an undercurrent of steel ran through his voice, and Caitlin remembered that he was Joe West, top CCPD detective.

" All of you?" Barry asked, glaring at everyone's guilty faces, betrayal evident in his eyes.

Caitlin couldn't bring herself to look at him. She wouldn't be able to meet his eyes without crying.

"Let me out!" Barry shouted as Joe closed the screen, leaving him in darkness. "Guys!"

"Are you sure you want to do this, Snow?" Harry asked, his blue eyes searching hers knowingly. "No one will blame you if you don't."

"Jay may be a monster, but there's a human in there somewhere. And I can appeal to that, get through to that — I've done it before. Let me do this for Barry," she said, the determination in her voice sharp enough to cut glass.

He nodded in response and they set out to work.

Central City, S.T.A.R. Labs Van.

Caitlin looked at Iris as she prepared to face her former kidnapper. Iris gave her a reassuring look. "You got this," she said in the same way Joe had, reminding Caitlin that Iris was a formidable woman in her own right.

She nodded, her eyes searching Iris's. Take care of Barry for me, she thought. In case I don't come back. Tell him I love him.

Iris nodded, and Caitlin stepped out into the open. "Jay?" she called.

Zoom was in front of her in a flash of blue lightning. "Caitlin." His voice wasn't friendly. "How did you find me?"

"I tracked you here. No one else knows."

"I told you — "

"That if I betrayed you, you'd show me no mercy. I know. Just let me explain why. Please, Jay." Caitlin widened her eyes, exuding innocence.

She saw his face soften for a millisecond before he plastered a glare back on. He took a menacing step toward her. "Talk."

"Good job, girl," Iris said in her comm. "Now draw him toward you."

Bolstered by her friend's encouragement, Caitlin conjured up all the love she could, thinking about Barry. "I made a mistake." She began walking toward him slowly, as if she couldn't stay away. "I am so sorry I abandoned you. But you have to understand… what you said to me, that there was a dark side to me… that I was more like Killer Frost than I knew...I didn't want to accept that. I tried to lock the darkness inside of me. But you knew that was already a part of me now." She met Jay's eyes unflinchingly. Somehow, these words weren't all a lie.

Sure, she was glad as hell that she left Jay, but the part about the darkness? That was something she was afraid to confront every day. She had been Caitlin Snow, the pure, bright, smart girl, for so long, but she always sensed that there was something more insidious writhing underneath the surface, threatening to consume her if she'd let it.

"And you're the only one who did," Caitlin continued. "I'm ready to accept that it's part of me now." She was inches from Jay now. He believed her, he still wanted her, she could see it all in his eyes.

"I am so sorry I hurt you," she repeated, gazing softly up at him. "But now, I want to be the one that only you know. Please, Jay."

Jay looked almost… uncertain. "I knew you'd eventually come around, Caitlin," he said, and she smiled up at him, just like in his dreams.

"But it's too late," he continued, and reached down to scoop her up — only to find that he was reaching for a hologram.

He screamed in fury, but it was too late. They had him… almost. As Wells shot the gun, he realized that Joe was too close. But the breach had already closed over Zoom… taking Joe with him.

S.T.A.R. Labs.

"Barry! Look at yourself, man. You are not okay! " Cisco shouted.

Damn right, he was not okay. His friends just locked him up in a cell and got his surrogate dad kidnapped on a different Earth and this was all too much and his dad was gone and he just couldn't take it anymore.

"I just watched my dad DIE, Cisco! Do you have any idea how that feels?" Barry exploded.

" Yes, I do! " Caitlin didn't raise her voice much, so everyone was shocked when she did. She stepped forward, looking at Barry beseechingly. "Watching someone you love die? I know how that feels."

"Cait…" Barry said, turning and scrubbing a hand across his face. He knew she faced pain, knew that she, better than anyone else, understood what it was like to watch a parent die, to watch a loved one die, to fall into a dark spiral of grief and despair. But couldn't she see that he needed this? Needed to avenge his father's death, needed to protect them all and end this once and for all?

"I know how cold, and angry, and distant it makes you," Caitlin barged on, knowing that Barry needed to hear these words as much as she needed to say them. "But when I was feeling that way, you were the one that kept me in check. You told me to stop and take a breath, and that's all we're telling you to do now."

Barry shook his head. "I'm telling you, I'm good."

No one believed him. Because he was very clearly not good.

"Look, you guys, you may not think I can do this," Barry started.

Caitlin shook her head softly, sadly. That wasn't what they were saying at all. They simply knew how much revenge would poison him, would turn that pure heart of his into something that was marred by the scars of having another's blood on your hands.

"But we're running out of time! " Barry finished, exasperated.

In the end, they won, like all heroes are supposed to. The time wraiths took Zoom away to meet his eternal damnation, they saved the real Jay Garrick, the man in the iron mask AKA the Flash of Earth-3, and although Barry may have had a little (i.e. a large) mental breakdown at seeing his father's doppelganger alive and in the flesh, they were all okay.

They were all alive.

But Barry couldn't help but feel like something was missing. He felt empty and lost still. Why? he wondered. Shouldn't I feel victorious? We won.

He sat on the porch with Iris, remembering how they'd sit there after school some days, when the weather was hot. How simple it was, being a kid.

"We won, Iris," he swallowed, tearing up again, "but why does it feel like I lost?"

She could only shake her head in response, her heart hurting for her surrogate brother.

"I think I need to find some peace. I… please tell Cait I love her and that I'm sorry." Iris nodded, tears filling her eyes as well.

"I love you," he whispered to her as well, giving her a big hug.

He wasn't sure anyone would forgive him for what he was about to do.