(I Hate This, But...)
Olga was laying in bed as her negative thoughts flowed through her mind,
"I feel like my life is a rollercoaster at this point, I feel like my life is gonna be happier than the next. It changes in a snap of a finger...why? Why must we suffer? Why? Why? Why? Why? WHY!?, I hate this…" Olga thought to herself as she found herself getting more and more angry but upset at herself as she sat up and massaged her head,
"My head hurts...hurts so damn much and maybe I deserve It? no? I've been a good big sister and filling in the mother role for my little siblings but I'm quick to judge at times and I even called my dear Mashka cruel! and I know what she said wasn't nice but Cruel is such a small world but has a big meaning...I hate this...I do.." Olga thought once more as she began to sweat profusely due to the heat in the room and her added stress to the night,
"I lost weight,...my mama...papa... and much more DAMN! Why am I thinking like this?! Why! Why! WHY! I was doing good before we came to this accursed place! I laughed...I cried...I experienced true emotions in quite some time so why am I so SAD!...could it be my time serving as a nurse during the great war in which is STILL going on! Yes! That could be it...well it is since my times as a nurse had affected me mentally in some ways that I can't imagine and It led me to think irrationally as well such as the once incident where I shattered some glass panels in a fit of rage and maybe disgust? I truly don't know but Maria and Anastasia had seen me in my low state...but they were young back then and they didn't know why I did that nor could understand it but for some reason they joined with me? I truly was a bad influence towards my little siblings at those times...I mean they are supposed to look up to me as a strong woman who can take charge and protect her dear siblings and not this weak and pathetic person who can't even take care of herself! But...that's why God has given me four beautiful and loving siblings who will try and do their best to comfort me no matter what odds Tatiana, Maria, Anastasia, and Alexei. These amazing and wonderful siblings who I'm glad to call family" Olga thought as tears swelled from her eyes,
"I...I..I'm truly thankful for them...I may hate everything right now...I may hate this...but as long as I have my amazing little siblings..maybe life...would be a little bit sweeter…those thoughts will return but I must remain strong in God!, my little siblings! And even Kaede! And I will try and be the best Sister and be a good influence and ensure a bright future for everyone...we will live! We will survive! And soon the happy and blissful days will return...someday...I am Olga Nikolaevna Romanov! Daughter of the last tsar Nicholas II and tsarina Alexandra Feodorovna! And I will move my family into a brighter and happier future! " Olga concluded her long thoughts as she cried silently in happiness while smiling in the process.