Chapter 22

Luke ran the shop by himself Saturday. While he felt comfortable doing so, he liked Maia and Malarie to work together. They could back each other up if someone came in giving them a hard time, and they kept each other company. In the evening, he visited with the pack at the Hunter's Moon, and left with his spirits greatly raised.

Maia and Mallory arrived Sunday morning at nine for their shift. They looked slightly worse for wear, but seemed happy. He knew how rarely they got a chance to have fun with people outside of the pack without worrying about being found out.

"That was some party!" said Maia.

"You two had a good time then?"

"Totally!" Mallory chimed in.

"And there was no trouble with any of us, Boss! Even with Camille and Raphael there." added Maia.

Luke had met Camille, the leader of the local vampire nest, and Raphael, her second in command. Raphael was no nonsense. He and Luke got along well. Camille was more outrageous, but her vampires were content. There hadn't been any trouble from her nest.

He left to work at The Jade Wolf, and Duffy met him there. Duffy and Bat, two young men in the pack, sometimes popped into the book shop to say hi to the girls. Duffy worked construction jobs; Bat at The Hunter's Moon.

He was back by five to relieve the girls and closed at eight. Had dinner, took a quick shower, then got ready to meet with Valentine. He hadn't given himself much downtime, but as he went out the door, he felt the shift from his day life and rosy dealings with the pack, to his illusory nighttime visits with his former parabatai.

Valentine stood waiting in a small park, dressed warmly in a wool coat with matching hat, scarf and gloves, and leather boots. It was cold tonight, colder than two nights ago. There was little wind. The sky was clear of clouds, though the light from the city shone too bright to see stars.

He was early, and as such, witnessed Lucian's approach. They agreed to meet here because Lucian's home location was now known by many in the Downworld and the Clave. He did not risk meeting there again.

He preferred the privacy of Lucian's home, but was pleased with his choice to meet at The Riverside. He wanted a neutral place to test the waters before progressing further.

There was something uncanny about Lucian, from the moment he first saw him at the restaurant. He ran through ideas. He knew dinner was formal for Lucian, but he had seen him at formal events before and had not noticed this. He briefly wondered if he blamed him for all that had happened after their meeting, but he agreed to meet, and he sensed no anger from him. He considered Lucian felt awkward because they had sex, but he told him point blank he did not regret it. Many dramatic events had occurred in Lucian's life since that night. Did one or all of those relate to now, and if so, how?

The kiss goodnight was most telling. Lucian, when he had kissed him – and as he could see in hindsight, throughout the evening – lacked density. Valentine had always admired Lucian's unwavering stability, it was one of the reasons he asked him to be his parabatai. To not sense that from him was deeply disturbing, and there was a dissonance between his energy and his actions. He had groomed himself, dressed properly, arrived on time, conversed for an entire meal, said he did not regret having sex, inquired if they could meet again, only to vacantly kiss him.

Valentine appraised him now. Lucian was dressed casually. Jeans, a large down coat, insulated gloves, work boots, a soft hat.

"Have you been here long?" Lucian asked.

"About ten minutes."

They began to walk, by silent agreement. They had not made specific plans for this evening, just to meet here. Lucian had a fey quality tonight as well, even just walking as they were.

"There are plenty of cafes and restaurants around here." Lucian said after a time.

"I had another idea in mind. Would you like to see where I am staying?"

Lucian paused for a moment. "I have been curious. Yes, is it close by?"

"I have a car. We will drive."

"This is like something out of a story." said Lucian, looking up at the huge building looming before them.

"It is quite fanciful. I agree." Valentine replied, as he stepped forward, walked up the stone steps and pushed in the front doors of the former Renwick's Asylum, originally the residence of a Shadowhunter family, the Blackwell's.

"This is a well kept secret. I had no idea this was here, not even rumors. The glamours are strong. Even when you told me to look through them, it took effort."

"I do not know why this place was abandoned by the Blackwells, but I have increased the protections while I am here." said Valentine as they crossed over the threshold. He knelt down, grabbing a lantern from the floor, lighting the candle within it, and handed it to Lucian. Then he took out a witch-light stone from his pocket and commanded it to glow.

"It has been kept up somewhat. It is known amongst select circles. Some of the rooms have electricity, but most do not. The plumbing is functional, but the heat works poorly."

They were standing in a grand entrance hall, with a central spiral staircase, leading to the upper floors.

"Care to take a look around?" asked Valentine casually.

The first floor looked much as it had originally. There was a formal dining room and living room. A kitchen. Studies, offices, even a ballroom, though all were empty.

The basement had a secret area only a Shadowhunter with a stele could access, though that was empty as well.

The second floor was more empty rooms, bedrooms where patients would have stayed. The third floor was different: A bathroom with towels, fully furnished bedrooms, a study with seating, tables, a stocked fireplace. They had not spoken much as they looked around. There was something haunting in seeing Lucian walk around this place. He and it matched each other in their emptiness.

They returned to the study. The furniture here was all dark wood, with tile flooring. A Persian rug was laid out in front of the fireplace. "Is that a chess board?" asked Lucian. "Want to play a game?"

They occasionally played chess in Alicante. It was neither of their favorite game, but Valentine picked up the board and set it on a small table with two chairs, gesturing for Lucian to sit. He lit the fire place while Lucian set the pieces. There was no electricity in this room. They played by candle, fire, and witch light.

Lucian won. Valentine knocked over his king.

"Did you let me win?"

He had not, but he was distracted. Lucian was present enough to play a fairly complicated strategy game, but he felt he was playing a shadow.

"Why do you say that?"

"I don't feel like I was very present while we played. I'm surprised I won."

Curious. He had wondered how aware of this Lucian was, but now he had just come out and said it, albeit talking about a chess game. Lucian was a very private person, and did not wear his emotions out in the open. His expressions were subtle, and most people could not read him well. Valentine had never had that problem, and right now, he knew Lucian was frustrated.

"Come sit on the couch with me. It is closer to the fire." The fire had warmed the room enough that Valentine felt comfortable taking off his outer garments. He left them hanging over his chair at the chess table. Lucian removed his coat and gloves, but kept his hat on, and they sat down together.

The couch cushions were covered in blue velvet, and the couch back and arms were curved, carved wood. Valentine waited while Lucian finished taking off his coat, then they walked over together, sitting within arms reach of each other.

"Valentine, did you have any sense of foreboding about us becoming parabatai?"

Even more curious. Such an intense question.

"Do you mean an omen? Some knowing of how it would end? I did not."

"The morning of our ceremony, I was upset. I had had a dream. I couldn't remember it well, but I felt like it would end badly, us being parabatai, specifically for myself."

"Is that why Amatis was holding your arm when you arrived at the Council building?" He had noted that, but left them to their privacy.

"Yes. She didn't know what to make of me. I didn't either. I didn't tell her that exactly, but I told her I was upset about the ceremony. She asked if I had doubts about going through with it. I told her I didn't. That confused her even more."

"Were you telling her the truth?"

"Yes. The idea I couldn't shake was – it would end badly for me, but it would be worse not to go through with it."

"Knowing how it turned out, I cannot say you were wrong. But, the second part, 'It would be worse not to.' Do you believe that still?"

"If you had not been my parabatai, I would not have been so keen to stop you at the Accords. If I hadn't been so close to you, seen how you were changing, I wouldn't have believed you could do what you did."

"So, a sacrifice for the greater good?"

"Something like that."

"I had a dream that I believe was a premonition, though I did not at the time I had it."

"What was the dream?"

"It was about you and I. I had it shortly after you were turned. We were in your dormitory at the Institute in Alicante. We were the ages we would have been at the time of the dream; I 23, you 22. It was night, the moon was out. I stood at the window. I could see the cherry tree blooming in the courtyard. I was unclothed.

"I turned and saw you lying in the bed. You were barely covered by the sheet, and I could see you were unclothed as well. I knew we had just been physically intimate, in the way one knows things in dreams.

"I then realized the moon was full, and I knew you should be a werewolf, but you were not. You opened your eyes and smiled at me. That was the end of the dream."

Lucian looked at him intently. "What did you make it?"

"I confess it disturbed me, but I remembered it vividly, and the memory of it did not fade. I explained it away as grief. A fantasy where you were not a werewolf. As for the sex, I did not give much thought to it. Jocelyn and I were trying for a child at the time. To ease my mind, I also explained it as grief.

"When you first kissed me, I thought of that dream, that maybe its meaning was more obvious than I had first imagined."

"That we would be intimate?'

"Yes, but it was more than that. In the dream you did not change during the full moon. Obviously you do in real life, but what I needed to realize was that even though your nature had been altered, your essential self was the same. When I realized that, and I told you I had, we were intimate."

"We were." said Lucian, quietly. "Being here, in this place, reminds me of Alicante."

Valentine placed his right arm over the back of the sofa, leaned closer, brought his left hand up to hold the side of Lucian's face, turning his face, and kissed him gently on the lips. The kiss after dinner added clarity; he wanted to see if now it would bring further clarity, for he was still frustrated Lucian felt out of range.

Lucian returned the kiss, but with even less force than Valentine initiated it with. The previous kiss goodnight had been a mere touching of lips, but tonight Lucian reached his left hand up to hold his face.

"Neither here nor there." He thought while they kissed, and a theory came to mind. He chided himself for not thinking of it earlier. Lucian's perpetual steadiness had worked against him in this case.

Amatis told him of his suicide method, the herb to rob the werewolf of its healing abilities, the wound location. He didn't know which thigh he had cut, but Lucian was right handed, and he thought he would have cut across his body, his left thigh.

Lucian's left thigh was closest to him. He would only have to bring his left hand down from his face. He kissed him a bit longer before lowering his hand to rest atop his left knee, his inner knee, then sliding it up his inner thigh.

Lucian's response was immediate. He froze, stopped kissing, stopped breathing, then pulled back. At first it was not noticeable, but he was having increasingly violent abdominal spasms. He stood, grabbed the lantern and quickly made his way to the hall, presumably to the bathroom. Valentine sighed, realized the spasms were Lucian attempts to stop himself from gagging.

He was relieved to have broken through the distance, but he had not anticipated such a dramatic reaction.

He waited ten minutes before rising. Lucian's hat had fallen onto the floor by the sofa. Valentine moved it off balance when they were kissing. He picked it up, along with Lucian's coat. The bathroom was cold, especially at night.

He left the study and walked down the hallway with the aid of his witch-light. He stood outside the closed bathroom door and knocked. "Lucian?"

He heard movement, then watched the door swing open and Lucian appeared, pale – though it was difficult to gauge color in this light – slightly hunched over, with a cold sweat along his hair line.

"Were you feeling ill earlier this evening?" Valentine doubted it, but he wanted to be thorough.

"Did you touch me there on purpose?" he asked instead.

"I did, and I will discuss that with you, but will you first answer my question?"

"I felt strange."

"Did you vomit just now?"

"Yes."

"Do you feel you will again?"

"Yes." Lucian paused, then asked. "Is that my coat?"

He passed his coat and hat to him. "I know it is cold in here. I will check on you again. I will be by the fire."

Another twenty minutes passed. Just as Valentine was going to get up, he heard approaching footsteps. He turned, and saw Lucian walk in, wearing his coat. He took a seat next to him on the sofa.

"Do you feel better?"

"You know that's where I cut myself?"

"Yes. Are you sure you want to discuss this now? I can drive you home, if you like. I was not expecting you to react in that manner. I apologize."

"I don't think I'll vomit again. I know my reaction was drastic, and I know I've been strange, but, I'm embarrassed to say this, I can't think. Would you tell me what you were thinking?"

"You went through a great trauma, Lucian. You were being forced out of yourself, then you were between life and death. You were brought back against your will. When you tried to come back to yourself you could not. That is what I have sensed with you; you are caught in between. Neither here nor there. I thought I could bring you back, touching your scar."

"You and your hunches."

"Lucian, why did you use the Morgenstern blade?"

"Did Amatis tell you that?"

"Yes."

"It felt predetermined. It didn't occur to me to use any other way. I seriously considered killing myself with it in Brocelind Forest. I used it in the fight with the Brocelind pack leader, a fight I did not expect to win. I had it on me during our second meeting at my house. I wasn't convinced you weren't going to kill me. I associate it with my death."

"You did not have it on you during our next meeting."

"No, I didn't. You didn't have any weapon on you either. Unless it was in your jacket."

"I carried no weapon with me."

"Did you really trust me that much?"

"You are a kinder person than I am, and you trusted me too. You trusted me coming to dinner, coming here tonight."

"I've been upset with myself. I waited so long to see you, and now that we are together, I'm like this."

"I was distracted by it at first, but now that we know why, be kind to yourself. Besides, it thrills me to know you have waited for me."

"I didn't think you had lied, but when you had to leave the day after, I wondered if you weren't interested."

"The timing was unfortunate, in many ways."

"You are interested still?"

"Yes. Have I caused you to doubt?"

"I haven't put my best foot forward. I just ran to vomit while we were kissing. You saw me lose control. I tried to kill myself, got stuck as a werewolf. I'm the leader of a wolf pack now. I wasn't sure how you would feel about that." Lucian paused, then looked away, into the fire. "I sobbed after we had sex."

That was gut wrenching to witness, but not entirely surprising. Lucian often held his feelings in check, mostly to his own detriment.

"Let us move to the car now." said Valentine, moving to stand. He walked to the table, put on his outer garments, then picked up Lucian's gloves and walked back, handing them to him.

"Valentine?"

"I am aware this is abrupt. I will explain as we walk."

Lucian took his gloves, put them on, then stood. They made their was to the stairs, He carrying his witch-light, Lucian the lantern. Valentine spoke. "It is getting late, you do not feel well. I do not care about anything you just mentioned in regards to our having a romantic relationship."

He stopped on the second floor landing, Lucian stopping as well. Some light from the city came through the picture window, but it was quiet here. "Though we could not have known what was to come, I did have regrets, when I learned what happened to you in my absence. That I could have spent those last few hours with you and I did not."

"Like you said, you couldn't have known." Lucian's pallor and downcast eyes belied his casual tone.

"Still." said Valentine, reaching his gloved hand forward and sweeping a lock of hair away from Lucian's brow. "I am driving you home because I have wanted to bed you for months. If we were to continue this conversation, I inevitably will want to do more than converse. "

Lucian reached forward and took hold of Valentine's hand with his own, and looked him in the eye. There was a soft smile on his face and fondness in his eyes as he said "I love you." It was the most present Valentine had felt him to be these past two evenings.

"And I, you. Yet, surely you are testing my patience."