Chapter 20.
Amon had to be disappointed.
Helena didn't try to talk about anything at all. She prepared the fresh coffee for him as she had promised and then served him as gracefully as always. Her movements were a little tense, her behaviour very shy and silent, a soft blush remained on her face while they were standing face to face, and she didn't even appear to try to talk to him about anything.
Amon decided not to bring up the scene at the railway station. He knew that he had to remain calm, patient and understanding, no matter how hungry and desperate he was for the answers. It was much easier to do than it used to be back in Poland when he was able to be cruel to her, when he was full of madness, crazy desire and anger. That period ended forever, he knew, and it made him quite glad and a little proud, however all those memories filled him up with deep shame and guilt, and he was sure that those feelings would never leave him.
Helena knew what an amazing burden he was carrying because of her and she kept on feeling a growing respect and love for him for his patience. She was completely sure that soon she should be open and honest with him, for the sake of both of them, but still she didn't feel that it would be the right time for the confession. When she offered him coffee, Amon looked really excited but also really exhausted at the same time, and as soon as he finished his drink, she took the cup away and wished him sweet dreams. We must wait a little more, she thought, I want both of us to be completely fresh and clear, to be able to make the right decision.
Amon obeyed without a word. He wished her a good night and sweet dreams as well, then he walked to the bathroom to have a quick shower. After climbing under the duvet, he fell asleep almost immediately. He was sleeping during the morning and the first half of the afternoon without waking up for even a second. No dreams or nightmares were troubling him, no faces or memories appeared in front of him. He had a surprisingly peaceful sleep and he was grateful for that.
When he got up and got dressed, he joined Helena in the kitchen for a cup of coffee, then they had an abundant dinner. Helena had even baked some simple biscuits for dessert that made Amon smile and express his gratitude for her care. She listened to his words blushing softly and her heart was filled with joy. She felt so calm and relaxed in his company now, even though the urge of confessing kept on circling in her head.
After dinner they returned to the living-room and enjoyed the rest of the evening with their books. Amon didn't ask her to join him, but Helena appeared at the door simply, holding her book in her arm, with a shy smile on her face as if she had asked him if she could join him under the reading lamp.
- Please… - Amon stood up with a beaming smile on his face, and he offered the other armchair for her, just two metres away from him. He forgot about pretending to be cool and indifferent as he used to. Helena thanked for his kindness and for more than two hours they were reading, without exchanging a word.
While Helena seemed to be burying herself into her book, Amon stole some glances on her, feeling that special warmness around his heart. When he returned to his novel, sometimes it was Helena who looked at him admiringly with a softly blushing face. Both of them knew very well that they were being watched but they pretended not to notice it. They wanted to give each other some tranquility and a sense of safety that nothing would be forced between them.
The following day was Sunday and Amon had a day off.
He hated the day because there was nothing to make him busy, there was no work or pile of documents that could divert his thoughts away from Helena at least for a moment, and he was also unable to sleep during the whole day. He wished she would want to talk about her feelings and to confess him what was going on.
He stayed in bed until noon as long as he was able to, but when even his whole body started to hurt because of lying in the bed so long, he got up and did his morning routine. He greeted Helena with short, but tender words, and while he was having his morning shower, she chose his clothes for the day: a freshly ironed white shirt and a pair of black trousers with matching undergarment and socks. She knew that Amon didn't like wearing a tie at home, and she hanged the jacket of the uniform on the inner side of the wardrobe in case he would need it. She had to smile when she realised how tenderly she touched his pieces of clothes now – it was completely different from the feelings how she had prepared his clothes for the morning in Kraków-Płaszów.
After getting dressed properly, Amon walked into the dining room and they had a huge lunch together, then he returned to his bedroom again. He wished he could sleep more but he was unable to. He tried reading a book but all he could see on the printed pages was Helena's face. It was much easier on the previous evening when they had been sitting close to each other and reading, but during the daytime Helena didn't have much free time as she had a lot to do in the kitchen. Cooking and baking made her happy and he could hear it clearly: she was humming and singing softly, old Polish folk songs that she had learnt at home and at school, as if she had forgotten that she was not alone in the flat. Amon loved her voice and the fact that she could feel herself so safe and carefree now.
Time passed terribly slowly and when it started to get dark, Amon was exhausted both mentally and physically. He told Helena that he had no appetite and he asked her to have her dinner. He was worried about her health while she was worried about him. He asked for a cup of coffee only.
Helena saw how tired and unhappy Amon was, no matter how hard he was trying to hide it behind a weak smile. She left him alone, she didn't annoy him with questions or questioning glances. She didn't know what to do – the only idea that was troubling her was confession but it seemed to be so terrifying.
Amon was standing at the window. He was looking at the darkness outside, the cold and almost empty street with a few people walking or hurrying along, the tall trees and the mellow street lamps, but he saw nothing.
All he could think of was Helena. He felt terribly sad and lonely, and for the first time in his life, it hit him really hard. How long does he have to stay silent and act as if nothing had happened, he wondered. He was tired of waiting and longing, but he knew that he would do nothing against it. It depends on Helena only, he thought, if she wants to talk, we will, but if she doesn't want to, we will remain silent, no matter how long.
Suddenly Helena knocked on the door, then entered the room with the fresh coffee. Its delicious scent filled the room immediately. She walked to the table and put the silver tray on it carefully, but Amon didn't turn around to look at her.
He didn't know what to do. He wanted to talk to her about the things that had happened on the railway station between them, so badly, but he was so scared of doing something to frighten Helena and make him lose her. He had realised how many horrible things he had done and said to her and he was wondering how come she was able to breathe the same air as him in the same room. But… his mind kept on working like a crazy watch, if she hates me so much, so deeply, as she had told me, as I deserve to be hated by her, why did she save my life and why did she stay in Vienna with me when I let her go?
He heard that she arrived and poured some coffee into the cup, he could smell the scent of the coffee, but he didn't want to turn around to face her. He didn't want her to see how much he was suffering because of her – he had his pride and he also didn't want her to feel forced to do anything she didn't intend to.
- Thank you, Helena. – he said simply.
He was waiting for her to say "you are welcome, Herr Kommandant" then to leave the room, but instead of the sound of her steps getting farther and farther from him, he heard them coming closer to him.
Suddenly Helena cuddled up to his back and put her arms around Amon. Her sweet scent filled his lungs, he felt the softness and warmness of her breasts on his back, and the warmth of her arms woven around his stomach, he could hardly breathe while his heart wanted to jump out of his chest. Her touch spoke about tenderness and love, such emotions that he would have never dared to receive from her, even though he had been dreaming about them. He thought that he was dreaming. He couldn't believe that it was her, who was holding him in his arms, his shy maid, whom he had treated and hurt so brutally, but who else could have been that? No one else was in the flat.
Amon was shocked, speechless and breathless and for a long moment he was even unable to move any parts of his body.
Helena didn't say a word, she was just holding him close to her body, resting her face on his back breathing slowly – she was at least trying to breathe slowly while she was on the edge of bursting out like an overfilled balloon. She kept her eyes closed, she was breathing his scent deeply, listening to his breathing and his quick heartbeat, feeling his muscles getting tense, and she was smiling. She was full of nervousness and fear of being rejected, while an unknown power of confidence was rushing around in her veins. He is in my arms, she thought, and it feels so unnaturally natural and wonderful that it hurts.
- Helena! What are you doing?! – Amon shouted on a hoarse voice, filled with surprise and excitement.
Now he tried to turn around to face Helena and she allowed him to do that even though she still kept her arms around him. She didn't want to let him out of her embrace, she just wanted to keep him close and keep that moment as long as possible.
- What are you doing… - Amon repeated and he felt his heart thumping in his throat. He wrapped his arms around Helena's waist very carefully as if she had been a porcelain doll, ready to fall and break into pieces, and he became deeply relieved when he saw and felt that she didn't move and she didn't try to get out of his arms.
It was Helena, his Helena, standing in front of him, holding him so close, so daringly, it was her beautiful, softly blushing face, her slim, fragile body, but he had never seen such a bright and happy smile of hers, such sparkling tender eyes of hers looking at him that way. It was something new and different, as if it hadn't been her at all. The woman who was standing in front of her was a brave warrior, who dared to show her emotions openly and honestly. What had happened to her? He still couldn't believe it that it was her who was holding him in her thin arms.
- I love you, Herr Kommandant.
Amon became speechless again. Did he hear it right? Wasn't it only his imagination, some hallucination? Helena – loving him, the murderer, the damned monster, the butcher of Kraków-Płaszów? Did she lose her mind and go slightly mad?
Helena looked away, though her hand was still caressing his back slowly.
- It is all right if you don't love me, just…
At that moment Amon pulled her closer to him with a desperate sigh and it made her look at him again. Her eyes were begging for an immediate answer, filled with not less desperation that filled his own eyes. Their trembling lips almost touched each other, their warm breath intertwined, and their hearts were beating the same wild rhythm. Neither of them could believe that it was really happening.
- I love you, Helena… you know how crazy I am for you since I first saw you… - he whispered into her mouth and she felt how much he was shaking. His excitement made her excited as well and she snuggled as close to him as possible.