AN: It is Friday! Double "trouble" for you today. So, this chapter might cause some frustration and some of you may want to smack Edward. Please read the new chapter for My Sun after reading this. You will understand Edward's reactions better if you do.
I haven't written the next chapters, but hope to have some time this weekend.
:-)
My Unanswered Question
An uncomfortable and tense silence fills the room as I patiently wait for Edward's response. I can feel how much he simply wants me to let this go and accept his explanation, promise of fidelity and declaration of love (even though he didn't use that exact word), but for some reason I can't. I can't shake the feeling that there is something Edward isn't telling me and I don't think we'll be able to move forward as a couple before he reveals it to me, however for some reason he is purposely holding back.
My heartbeats accelerate as I anxiously await his decision, I've laid my humiliating past at his feet and bared my soul to him. I'm still terrified of the deep and rapidly growing emotions that are building up between us, but at least I'm doing what I can to open up to him and prove to him that I want to trust him. I want to make this work even though I might be holding back slightly in regards to falling head over heels in love with him. Those powerful emotions I've felt coming from Edward and his heartfelt promises and sweet declarations mean nothing if he won't open up to me. Right now, the ball is in his court.
Through our connection I can sense the multitude of conflicting emotions swirling around within him in various degrees of intensity. The one that I can feel most vividly and that is quite rapidly building in both strength and size is frustration. For a second, I curse our blood bond and truly wish that I didn't feel all of his emotions, because they are extremely confusing. Who is Edward frustrated with? Me? Himself? Jessica? I have no clue unless he actually opens up to me. That uncertainty fuels my familiar insecurities and anxiety and it doesn't take long for them to rise to the surface again and threaten to consume me.
Bravely holding Edward's gaze, I can actually see how those dazzling green eyes slowly turn hard and resolved as Edward makes up his mind. He clearly isn't willing to discuss the matter any further. Hurt explodes in my chest and I quickly pull back, moving away from his touch. Those large hands that have been lovingly cupping my cheeks fall heavily to his lap and I can see him wince and feel the sting of regret flow through him. He's already trying to cover up the fact that he has consciously decided not to open up to me and I know that he will do what he can to smooth things over.
"Bella-," he begins, but I quickly cut him off with a cold voice.
"It's fine," I lie, wishing that the earth would swallow me whole or that I could do what I always do; run away, but I know that I can't do that.
Without offering him a second glance, I quickly sink into the bed and turn my back to him, hoping he'll understand my need for space.
"Please, Edward, it's fine. It's been a really long day and I'm very tired," I say as I fake a yawn and pretend that I need sleep.
I know he can sense that his lack of response has hurt me, but that deep frustration and anger is still fuming inside of him and although I can feel that he wants to argue with me and call me out on my lie, he doesn't. I close my eyes and lay completely still as I try to block him out while a river of tears burn beneath my eyelids. To begin with, Edward doesn't move a muscle as though he is waiting for me to change my mind. Thankfully, it doesn't take too long before he releases a deep sigh and then very carefully touches my shoulder, before he quickly gets to his feet.
"I'll be with Jake," Edward bites out, before he quickly leaves the room.
As the front door slams shut, I allow that river of tears to flow down my cheeks as I cry myself to sleep.
A small branch whips my face and breaks the skin on my cheek as I sprint through the dense forest. The slap burns, instantly drawing a new wave of tears to my eyes and I can feel the slow trickle of blood descend down my wet cheeks to my jaw. My lungs are heaving for air and my muscles are at their breaking point, but still I force my body to continue; to not let up, not even for a second.
A blood curdling scream tears through my body and echoes through the quiet room as I'm thrust back into reality. Sitting up in bed I desperately glance around the room, making sure that I am safe as I try to calm my racing heart. By the time I've convinced myself that I am in fact safe in the security of my own bedroom, the horrifying nightmare has already faded into a distant memory.
Soft morning light is peeking through the blinds of my window and it dawns on me that I've managed to sleep through the night, but my body feels as though it hasn't rested for a second. My swollen eyelids and burning eyes remind me of the day before and I have a horrible headache. Talk about a rollercoaster of emotions. I cradle my head in my hands as I remember the conversation with my father, the funeral, Emily, my transformed and extremely powerful wolf, our first assignment as Betas of the Pack, Jessica and finally my painful conversation with Edward. Glancing around the room yet again, I notice that it doesn't appear that he's been home. Disappointment simmers in my gut, but I try not to focus on it.
Instead, I take a deep breath and rub a hand over my face trying to wipe away the sleep from my eyes. I wince as my fingers touch a particularly sore spot at near my bottom lip. When I pull my fingers back to study them, I almost expect there to be blood, but there isn't any. I shake my head in disbelief, what the hell is going on with me. I force myself to get out of bed and not spend the day wallowing in the "depths of despair". I can't help but smile as I'm immediately reminded of one of my absolute favorite literary characters: Anne of Green Gables. There is a sharp pain in my bottom lip, almost as though I've gotten a bad cut, but when I look at my reflection in the mirror, I don't even see a scratch. I wash my face and the cold water feels amazing against my skin.
Deciding to take a shower, I turn on a small radio I find in the bathroom and find a station playing some upbeat and happy music. After a night of crying, I am determined to get back on my feet and do something that makes me happy. My wolf barks out in agreement and I can feel her strength fuel me on. I haven't decided exactly what I want to do yet, but I just know I need to get away for a little bit. Perhaps I could visit Aro and Seraphina.
As I get out of the shower and start getting dressed, I start searching for my phone. I'd left it in my truck and after the crash, I thought it had been lost, however I remember Jake mentioning that they'd towed my truck to a garage and that they'd left my things…. BINGO! I find my purse and a few of my things in a faraway corner in the small hallway. The battery is dead, so I take it with me to the kitchen where I know I have an extra charger. As it charges I make a quick breakfast, feeling much lighter than the night before. The fact that Edward didn't even come home last night pisses me off, but I also feel somewhat relieved. I need some space after revealing so much to him and not getting what I needed in return.
Just as I'm putting my dishes in the dishwasher, there's a knock at the door. Figuring it must be Leah, I quickly move towards the door.
"Where did you run off-," my voice trails off when I see who my visitor is.
Wrapping my arms protectively around my front, I'm unable to stop the frown from forming on my face.
"Alice," I say her name as though it's a statement and not a greeting.
I can see that the hope in Alice's bright green eyes fade slightly at my cold welcome. A numbing pain spreads in my chest as I realize that Alice's eyes are the exact shade of green as her brother's.
"May I come in?" Alice asks somberly.
I hesitate for a short second, but then quickly relent. We both walk towards the kitchen in silence. I've just put on some hot water for a cup of tea and begun preparing myself a cup. Picking up an extra, I ask her silently if she would like one and she nods. As though she is testing the waters, she takes a small step closer to me and places a paper bag on the kitchen counter.
"I brought a peace offering," she declares hesitantly and pulls out a box of about a dozen mini cupcakes.
At further inspection, I see that some of them have a delicate printed label on them that says: Sorry. Glancing back at her, she looks as though she is about to burst.
"I'm so sorry that I didn't speak out and show my support that night at the Den, Bella!" she blurts out much like a hose that's been blocked and that suddenly begins to flow again.
"I was just so wrapped up with Jasper that night and when Rosalie caught you guys, I guess I was just surprised and then when she started talking about how our family was implicated… I don't know, I just didn't feel I could say anything right then. But I swear to you, Bella, I am so happy that you and Edward imprinted. I already consider you my sister and I know I kind of implied that Edward was interested in you even before the Den and I get that you probably got pretty hurt when I didn't have your back, but-," Alice rambles on and I can't help but smile at her long apology.
Deciding to take matters into my own hands, I quickly take one of the small cupcakes and stuff it into her mouth. My move immediately stops her and I'm finally able to get a word in.
"I forgive you," I tell her with a smile and give her hand a soft squeeze. Studying her, I have to stifle a laugh.
Her face holds a shocked expression, her mouth filled with a light cupcake with dark chocolate buttercream frosting that now is smudged on her upper lip and nose. Handing her a napkin I'm unable to hold back my laugh and soon Alice joins me with her sweet musical laughter. She wipes away the frosting and swallows most of the cupcake before responding.
"Well, that is a relief. I've been driving Jasper up the walls with this. He basically had to physically hold me back yesterday. Apparently groveling at someone's feet during a funeral is frowned upon," she continues and I'm happy to see my bubbly and lighthearted friend back. I've really missed her, I realize.
"You don't say," I answer playing along.
"I know, crazy."
Grabbing the cups of tea, I motion for her to bring the cupcakes and move us outside to the back porch looking out over the back yard and vegetable garden. Immediately, I'm reminded of that day Edward suddenly showed up and automatically my cheeks begin to heat up. I also quickly notice that I need to get some gardening done ASAP.
"Where is that hairbrained brother of mine, anyways? I figured he might not even let you out of the bedroom after that absolutely incredible show of dominance yesterday. Whew! Bella, that was hot!"
My mouth runs dry.
"Do-dominance?" I stutter, suddenly nervous that the Pack had observed us in the ravine last night.
Alice grabs another cupcake and I do the same, my knees restlessly shaking up and down.
"Yeah, when you basically demolished Jessica," she answers matter-of-factly and I feel as though I'm able to breathe again.
"I swear, that woman had a death wish rubbing up against another shifter's mate like that. Trust me, Bella, if you hadn't done anything Esme would have been forced to retaliate on your behalf. It's Pack law. Mom hasn't had to step in between many Pack conflicts yet, but she was ready to kick Jessica's ass," Alice continues and it suddenly dawns on me that Alice might be able to answer the question that Edward evaded yesterday.
"Then how come Jessica would dare do such a thing?" I ask, trying to keep my voice steady and calm. Alice hesitates and for a moment I wonder if she might not answer me either, but luckily that is not the case.
"Well, as I told you last time we talked about this, Jessica and Edward were never in a relationship. Unmated shifters very rarely have any real relationships prior to the imprint," Alice curls her lip as though she's just tasted something horrible.
"I guess in Jessica's twisted mind however, she and Edward were an item. I remember her boasting around at school that she and Edward were going to be the Pack's power couple. That and because her father was Swan-leader, it made sense for them to imprint."
My eyebrows tighten in question and Alice quickly responds before I can voice my question.
"When Charlie and Renee left the Pack, the responsibility of Swan-leader went to the eldest member of their generation, which is Jamie Swan; Jessica's father," she pauses and takes a sip of her tea.
"Jamie and his whole family really enjoyed the power and liberties that arises with being one of the founding families' representatives. Jessica has always been extremely spoiled and a real brat. I always hated having her in my class and I never understood what Edward saw in her. But after he slept with her once she latched her claws on to him and staked her claim," Alice casts her gaze to the floor for a moment as though she's recalling an uncomfortable memory.
"I told Edward about the rumors she was spreading and told him to be careful and he swore he'd deal with it. The next day Jessica backed me into a corner and cursed me to high heavens, saying that nothing would come between her and Edward," she pauses again.
"Edward managed to keep his distance for a few months, but somehow she managed to manipulate him and he slept with her again," Alice releases a sad sigh, but then she squares her shoulders and the look on her face grows certain.
"When Edward didn't imprint right after his 21st birthday, he waited for almost a year without any female company, but 5 years is a long time and Jessica was an easy fix. But he never loved her, Bella."
She sends me a pointed look as though she knows more than she lets on.
"I have never seen my brother look at someone the way he looks at you. You complete him. You make him happy. You ground him. You are his partner in life. His Mate."
Those all too familiar emerald eyes pierce into mine and I'm forced to look away.
"Jessica is merely a pebble under your shoe, which you crushed quite effortlessly, if I might add. She won't make that mistake again," Alice asserts so confidently, but I'm still not completely convinced. Perhaps it's because of my past and the fact that I don't trust easily, but I can't help myself.
"How do you do it?" I ask in a shaky voice and Alice's eyes instantly soften with compassion.
"Jasper and Maria? They were involved. How do you move past that? How do you trust-?"
Alice reaches over and covers my hands with hers. There is a hint of pain in her expression that is oddly comforting to me. Perhaps I'm not alone in my fears and struggles concerning my mate's ex.
"I hate knowing that another woman shared intimacies with Jasper. The memories of seeing them together is burned into my mind and yes, I struggle with my own insecurities regarding that as well. The mating-bond doesn't erase our past or our memories of it," she pauses.
"But it does give me the assurance that I am Jasper's future. Maria may have his past, but nothing more than that. Jasper and I have the rest of our lives together and that knowledge helps me forget the past and allows me to focus on the present. A present that is so wonderful and filled with so much happiness and love that-," her voice trails off.
"That nothing else matters," I whisper and she silently nods her agreement.
Silence falls between us again and Alice moves her hands back to cradle her warm cup. I take a sip of my tea and think about what she's told me. Am I allowing too much of my energy and focus to linger on the past? Everything Alice has told me only confirms what Edward confessed the night before, but I still don't understand why wouldn't he simply answer my final question? I feel anger and hurt rise again at the reminder, but at the same time I also find myself wondering if I perhaps overreacted. Every single emotion was enhanced by tenfold yesterday and I'd just spilled my soul out to him about my past. What if his anger, frustration and lack of willingness to answer my question was because he was trying to digest what I'd just told him? I have no idea! The lack of communication between us on this topic is exhausting.
"How's work?" I ask, desperate to change the subject.
The expression on Alice's face proves that she is hesitant to let the topic go, but luckily she takes the hint.
"It's fine. You have the rest of the week off, by the way. Because of the funeral... If you need more time, Ben will -," I quickly interrupt her.
"I don't. It will be good for me to go back to work," I assure her.
Comfortable silence falls between us and we both take a moment to think as we listen to the soft sounds of the working ranch and subtle proof of wildlife coming from my garden.
"I have a confession to make. I didn't just drop by here to apologize, even though that was my main reason for dropping by," Alice breaks the silence and the somewhat smug look on her face immediately sends a wave of suspicion through me.
"The Pack is going to have a big celebration on the 20th," she continues with clearly restrained excitement.
"This can't be good," I think sarcastically as I simply lift my eyebrow in response. Alice giggles.
"It's to celebrate all the newly mated couples from the last 6 months. Imagine a big wedding reception with several couples," she pauses, her eyes sparkling with something that makes my shoulders tense with nerves.
"As our newest Pack Betas and future Alphas, you and Edward will kind of be the center of attention," Alice confesses with a large smile and I can feel my stomach sink. Alice's giggle turns into a full blown laugh at my obvious disgust.
"Oh, Bella! It will be so much fun, I promise. We wolves are usually pretty laid back when it comes to Pack Parties, but the Mating Ceremonies are different. They are very elegant and beautiful and when an influential member of the pack is celebrated… well… It's a big deal!"
Excitement appears to be radiating from her in waves now. Contemplating her words for a moment I quickly realize that this isn't a celebration that Edward and I can simply skip because we feel like it. It is our duty to attend and in truth we won't have a choice in the matter. Although we have a few weeks to prepare, I can already sense that I will need all the help I can get to pull this whole thing off. I sigh dejectedly.
"What do I have to do?"
Alice squeals and claps her hands in unrestrained joy.
"Mom is taking all of the newly mated females out dress shopping this afternoon in Port Angeles and she sent me to invite you and Leah," she explains happily.
"Leah will be invited as well because she turns 21 just before the celebration and Mom wants her to find a dress just in case. Please say you'll come, Bella?!" Alice begs, before I can answer her, however, we are both distracted by a pair of heavy footsteps coming towards us from the front of the cottage.
I can physically feel him before I can see him and our bond sparks to life, trying desperately to pull us together. I stay in my seat, patiently awaiting his arrival as I try to get control of my emotions. My wolf lifts her head and growls softly, but I can see that she too is struggling to deal with some conflicting emotions. Yesterday, I'd been all over the place and I know now that it will be important that I keep a level head for the conversation that is about to come.
Edward's head peaks out from the side of the building and immediately my heart skips a beat and my breath catches at the sight of him. His messy hair is wet as though he has just gotten out of the shower, but it's the brand new, and very ugly-looking bruises and marks on his light skin that shocks me. His bottom lip is swollen and there's evidence of a quickly healing, yet quite deep cut. What the hell happened to him?
As though he is testing the waters, he takes a hesitant step closer and this time my eyes drop to the largest bouquet of wildflowers I've ever seen that he is holding in his hands. Warmth spreads in my stomach as his emerald eyes catch mine and I can physically feel how sorry he is.
"Well, I guess that's my cue. Good to see that I'm not the only Cullen willing to fess up and apologize when I've done something stupid," Alice shoots Edward a pointed look, but Edward doesn't react to her what so ever, keeping his eyes fixed on mine.
"Bella, it was good seeing you. I'll come by and pick you and Leah up at about two this afternoon," Alice says, wrapping her arms around me in a surprisingly tight hug.
"Make him grovel. The make-up sex will be so much better if you do," she whispers conspiratorially before she releases me and walks over to her brother and kisses him lightly on the cheek.
"Nice touch," she tells him, pointing to the flowers. "I'd recommend jewelry the next time you screw up, but hey, that's just me," she smiles teasingly.
Edward simply shrugs, steadily holding my gaze.
"Well, I'm off to find Leah. Don't do anything I wouldn't!"
At this Edward grimaces slightly and I can't stop the smile from spreading on my face. When Edward sees my reaction, his own lips lift into a tentative half smile before he steps forward and very carefully hands me the huge bushel of flowers. Studying them for a moment, I realize that he must have spent hours collecting these. Several of the flowers can only be found in remote areas and they are proof that he literally must have scoured the area to collect all of these. My throat tightens at the realization.
Before I can second guess myself, I gently place the flowers on the small table next to us and throw my arms around Edward's neck, burying my face in his neck. Our bond sings with joy and I can feel Edward's acute pleasure roll through me as he quickly wraps his arms around me and holds me tight. He smells incredible. The fresh smell of his shower gel, mixing perfectly with that spicy scent that I recognize as his own, is like a soothing balm that immediately calms me and brings me peace. I can feel him breathe in deeply as well and realize that I am having a similar effect on him. I have no idea how long we stand there simply hugging one another, but after a while Edward pulls back slightly and cups both of my cheeks before placing the softest and sweetest kiss I've ever felt on my lips. The complete adoration I feel from him only enhances his almost reverent touch. "How could I ever have doubted him?" I think as tears well up behind my eyelids. Almost as though he can feel them, he moves his lips and very gently leaves a kiss on each lid, before he continues leaving soft kisses on several other places on my face.
"I'm sorry, baby," he whispers between each kiss. "I shouldn't have left." "I hate that I hurt you." "You mean everything to me."
Feeling that I too have reason to apologize, I stand up on my tip toes and pull his lips down to mine again, kissing him fiercely and with rising passion. We both moan and hot desire explodes between us. We're both breathing heavily when I finally pull back.
"I'm sorry I pushed. I should have trusted you," I whisper as Edward's thumb begins to caress my cheek. His expression goes serious.
"I didn't know how to deal with-," his voice breaks off. "With what you told me. Just the thought of someone hurting you like that."
I feel the surge of anger rise inside of him, but this time I know the reason behind it and that makes it easier for me to handle.
"I lost it, Bella," he admits brokenly and I can see and feel his deep regret.
Deciding that we need to sit for the remainder of the conversation, I quickly tug his hand before I have to release it to pick up the bouquet of flowers and open the door leading to the kitchen. Edward obediently follows. I quickly find the largest vase I can find, fill it with water and place the flowers haphazardly in it, deciding that I'll fix it later when I have some time. Edward is waiting patiently for me and quickly takes my hand when I reach mine out. I lead him to the sofa and it doesn't take long for him to pull me to his lap. I can feel how acutely he needs as much physical contact with me as possible. The bond between us is demanding it and I give in wholeheartedly. We are finally both ready to talk through some of our issues and move forward. Together.
"So, do you want to tell me what happened to your face?" I start.