**This chapter features an edit on Ao3 by rdr2_0utlaw. :)

archive of our own works/22767514/chapters/59029171

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A few weeks later Arthur was back, after his shortest absence to date.

As he sat at the table eating breakfast one morning with Isaac tucked securely in his own little chair, Eliza donned her gingham kerchief to keep her hair back and went to the barn to milk her cow. When she arrived at the cow's stall, her smile fell. She dropped her tin bucket with a rattle and ran back to the house.

"Mabel's sick. Somethin's awful wrong with her," she panted as she stood before Arthur at the kitchen table.

He'd just stuck a bite of food into his mouth and looked up at her with a twist to his brows. "Who's Mabel?"

"She's my cow. The milkin' cow you got me."

"Oh," he sat back. "All right. Show me."

As they walked out to the barn together, Eliza noticed how soft he looked. With no embellishments but a button down, sleeves rolled up to the elbows, sturdy blue jeans, and his pomaded caramel hair shining in the afternoon sun—he almost looked like a natural rancher, another part of the natural elements.

When they got to the cow's stall in the barn, he knelt beside her. The big beast was whimpering and crying, writhing on her side on the ground. After a few minutes of him checking her over, he left the barn, and Eliza followed.

"What do you think's wrong?" she asked.

"It's fever, or some kinda sickness."

"What are you gonna do? How're you gonna fix her?"

"I'll be right back. You oughtta stay with her," he said over his shoulder.

She turned and went back into the barn but couldn't keep from pacing back and forth. Before long, she'd gone back outside to see Arthur approaching the barn. She saw the silver glint of a revolver in his hand.

"No," she breathed. "No, don't. Arthur, don't," she said, stepping in front of him.

"It's gotta be done."

"Don't."

"It has to be done, now."

"Arthur, stop it! You're not goin' in there with that," she huffed. "Your answer for everything is just to…to shoot everything! I'm sick of it! Not everything has to end that way!" Her eyes were glistening wet. "She's important to me. You can't. You stay away from her."

His eyes flitted down, and he slowly looked back up at her. He was quiet when he said, "Your age is showin'."

Her eyes filled with hurt, then flashed with disbelief and anger as she turned her face and looked at him from the corner of her eyes, her mouth hanging open. "Oh…you son of a bitch," she breathed deep.

"I'll get you another. It's just a cow."

"She's not! She's one of the only things I got when you ain't here!" she said, gritting her teeth and pushing him in the chest with one hand, though he didn't move. "I know it might make me outta my mind for doing it, I know I've got a captive audience, and I know she's a dumb animal. But I talk to her, Arthur. I talk to her about…" she pulled her top lip in and bit it in embarrassment as a single tear ran down and she quickly wiped it away, "about Isaac, about my ma and pa… I talk to her about you," she said, looking down. "I know it makes me pathetic, I know it does. You don't have to tell me. But she's mine. She's good and sweet, and she's mine." She looked back up at him. "Can't you find it in your heart to understand that?"

He nodded and shifted his weight as he let out a quiet breath. "You need to understand that her time's come."

"No. You understand that this is my home. It's all I have. Every fruit tree, every blade of grass…even the damn chickens. It all means the world to me. Out there in your world you might rain fire down on everything you see, but this is my world. And you won't bring hurt and killing where it doesn't need to be. Understand that. Not here. I won't let you." She brought a hand up and grabbed the collar of his shirt, jostling him with it as she sucked in a loud, sharp breath. "I won't let you!"

His expression was stoic, and he swallowed as he hung his head and turned his gun in his hand, looking down at it. "I'm sorry you feel that way. And I'm real sorry she's in a bad way. I'm even sorry this is the way of the world, that things die."

She glanced down at the hand she had on his collar as she pulled on it and gave a single sob with her shoulders. "Give me nothin' but animals for friends and take 'em away…" she mumbled with a shake of her head. Though she kept her eyes fixed on his collar, she felt him look up at her. "I know I…" She clenched her eyes tight for a moment and swallowed past the pain in her throat. "I know I'm just a stupid, silly little girl, and that's all I'll ever be to you!" she suddenly screamed, releasing her grip on his shirt to clench her fists. She sucked in another breath, then steadied it. "I know that."

His jaw flickered, and he jutted his chin to the side as he looked away.

"Someone to belittle and stick your cock into and leave," she said, struggling to breathe as she gave her head a little shake. "Some horrible mistake you're stuck payin' for," she sobbed, her chin quivering and her eyes filling quickly with tears as his eyes returned to hers. "I know that. That's all I've ever been. And somehow I still love you. But you do this, Arthur, and you'll…you'll break my heart. You'll break my heart," she cried. "I won't be able to look at you." She saw his Adam's apple bob in his throat. "I never ask you for a thing, Arthur! Not a thing!" At that, the tops of his brows lifted ever so slightly, and she could tell for a moment he was softening, considering not doing it. But his wavering didn't last when the sound of the cow's hollers arose once again from the barn; and he stepped forward, resuming his purpose. "Arthur!"

He stopped and turned to look back at her. "She's already good as dead, hun," he said calmly. His eyes drifted down with her face as she hung her head like a leaf in autumn. "It's just a matter of how much pain she'll be in and for how long. There ain't nothin' we can do for her but this. Now I know enough about you, Eliza, to know that you're right: I'm the opposite of you. You're good and kind. And I know," he said, his voice slowly and gently rising, "you're not tellin' me that you'd prefer Mabel to squirm and screech in pain for the next several hours until she dies in a pitiful state just so you can have her for that much longer." He took a silent breath and softened again. "That, I know. I guess I'm hopin' once you've calmed down some you'll see that."

She turned, looking after him as he entered the barn, and closed her eyes when he disappeared. When the gunshot rang out, her forearms flew up over her head; and she sobbed, letting her arms drop after several moments.

Who am I gonna talk to now? she thought. Don't you dare blame me when I become a raving lunatic. Most days she was confident her mind was strong and healthy, and that she wasn't crazed in the slightest. But there were a few days here and there when she was nervous she would be somewhere down the road. Like when she felt so exhausted, she thought she might really go out of her mind. Or like when she felt all she really needed was someone to talk to, but the only person around was babbling baby who probably wouldn't be speaking in good, full words and phrases for at least another year, no matter how she tried to teach him by refusing to speak to him in jibberish. She had to continually remind herself that she was regularly conquering the abnormal; that nothing about what she was going through was being faced by the average person. And yet she couldn't be sure that the average, healthy person would cling so dearly to a dumb working animal the way she had for a source of companionship.

As Arthur stepped out of the barn and into the sunlight towards Eliza, he noticed she kept her eyes on the ground. After having heard her explanation and the way she'd poured her heart out, he wasn't without feeling. When he came closer, though, she turned her face away. He sighed and swallowed, but nodded. Had to be done, he wanted to say, but he couldn't force himself to as he walked past her towards the house.

They stayed away from each other throughout the rest of the day. As Eliza had said, she never looked at him, not even once through supper. He didn't even try to go to the bedroom with her to retire. He went straight to the sofa as she put Isaac to sleep in his room. It surprised him that he'd known exactly what she'd do—go to her bedroom and quietly close the door without addressing him goodnight, without even a hesitation. But it surprised him too that he wished she would.

But as he lied there in the dark and chill and lonely, empty quiet, it wasn't long before a sliver of light came from her cracked bedroom door, and she appeared before him in her nightgown. Everything inside him wanted to smile as he watched her slowly and silently come and kneel before him on her knees. She was such a tender heart; unlike anyone he knew, she never could go long being upset or leaving a ravine between them. It was like she enjoyed restoration.

With a forlorn look, she kept her eyes on the floor. "It's awful being alone when I know you're in the house," she said quietly, looking up at him. "I thought about it, and I realized what you did was much kinder than I knew at the time. I'm sorry for being so childish."

He sighed. "So you've got a heart, Eliza. It's nothin' to be sorry for. You just…" he shook his head. "You've got one of the sweetest, softest hearts of anybody I've ever known."

Her eyes drifted to the floor for a moment. "You say it like it's a bad thing."

"Naw, it ain't. It just…it's real hard for me to relate to. It's a wonder you've made it in the world as long as you have, if it's the same one I know." He took in her young face—beautiful even when downcast. They were both finding what a curse it was at times to be young, to not hold wisdom in your possession until after you needed it. "I'm real sorry I brought up your age. I shouldna done that. I know it's sensitive for ya."

Her expression pinched up, and she looked down and nodded. She lifted her eyes back up to him. "Please forgive me for the horrible things I said."

"It ain't your fault. It's mine if you feel that way."

She leaned forward slightly and shook her head. "I don't—"

"You wouldn'a said it if you didn't," he looked at her firmly. When he saw her look down again, he looked up at the ceiling and sighed as he wiped both hands over his face. "I swear to god, Eliza, sometimes…sometimes I just don't know what to do with you, I don't know what to do. This thing… What are we doin'? I don't know if…if I should just stay the hell away from you, if you'd be better off. Bein' with you…that way…it never was fair of me to begin with. And now," he tilted his head, "sure, sometimes it feels we oughtta have a right to it. We're adults, and…hell, we're parents for cryin' out loud. But other times, it…seems circumstances dictate it's the very last thing we oughtta be doin'. And I never know if bein' with you is…kind or unkind."

Eliza felt her throat tighten as she brought her arms around herself. "Neither do I," she choked out as a tear fell. "You have to understand… Some days, Arthur… Some days I'm so alone. Just so alone," she whispered as she held herself. "It ain't every day. Most days I really am grateful and joyful, to have Isaac and to live so simply in such a beautiful place. I've seen…firsthand…that I have more than most. Much more." She sniffed. "But sometimes, I…" her voice broke a little as she reached out a few fingers to his jawline, "sometimes it feels so long, that I get so scared that I dreamt you up. And then I look at Isaac, and I remember. I remember everything, and that it's all real." She took another little sniff as she looked down again. She nervously picked at her thumbnail and struggled to force herself to look up at him. "Bein' with you, Arthur, it's…it's more to me than I'm certain it is to you. It ain't just lust and satisfaction. And it's everything a lover feels when they're with the one they love and more. Bein' close to you, and havin' you near…it's like I just can't get close enough. But it's also like…" She looked up and kept searching for words to get him to understand. "It's…it's like goin' from the lowest place in the deepest valley to the tip top of the highest mountain." She quickly dropped her face down again. "I know you think I'm just bein' dramatic. I know…I know you think of it as takin' advantage of the situation and droppin' me even harder when you have to leave."

"Ain't it?"

She looked up at him and shook her head a little, her brows drawing up. "Ain't you hearin' me? No one can live in the valley forever. I need the mountain to get me through—"

He made a slightly sour expression and shook his head. "Naw, but seriously, Eliza; for me, ain't it takin' advantage, and doin' just the things you said—droppin' you harder? How's it not?" He kept his eyes on her face as she looked away, unable to answer. He hadn't been intimate with many women over the years, but never in his life had he had to argue so with a woman about whether or not they should sleep together. He'd certainly never been forced to take the opposing position. If it weren't so damn important, it'd be laughable. She'd argued with him about it from the very very beginning, and now here she was flipped. She was definitely not like any other waitress. "Why should I make things harder on you? Leavin', it's obviously gettin' to you. And any number of things could happen to me out there. We haven't really talked about that, have we? I mean, I hate to say it, 'cause I don't plan on ever lettin' it happen, but…what if I got locked up, or—"

"Prison?" She swallowed. "Sure, I've thought about it. And I don't think anything scares me more. 'Cause we'd never get you back before they walked you to the noose. And who could argue with 'em for takin' you from us? They'd be in the right to do it." She slid a hand up her temple and across her forehead as she struggled to keep her tears back. "I try not to think about it," she said, her voice choked and pinched. "It scares the ever-lovin' daylights outta me."

He half-frowned and squinted at her as he shook his head. "Maybe you oughtta get outta here, marry a nice feller. Ever think a' that? I bet you'd be scooped up real quick."

She dropped her forehead into her hands and sobbed. "Don't say things like that to me. Don't."

"Eliza…"

"Don't!"

"You don't wanna be thought of as a poor kid, do ya? I know you don't." He grimaced. "And you don't wanna get…mixed up."

She shook her head. "And I don't want you thinkin' of me as whinin' and cryin' all the time, either. Then you'd surely stay away."

"See—god!" he whispered. "You shouldn't have to worry about shit like that! Maybe if you were…hangin' round somebody else, you wouldn't." He listened to her take a forceful breath and shake her head.

"Don't say it again. Please. Don't. Just the thought repulses me."

He nodded and turned forward, looking at her from the corner of his eyes. "You're handlin' things just fine, Eliza. Well as can be expected. But I… Ah, how can I say it," he mumbled quietly, bringing a hand up and rubbing his fingers against his forehead. "I don't want you gettin' your hopes up higher than is good for ya. And I don't wanna be responsible for that neither."

Keeping her eyes down, she spoke quietly. "You met me in a godforsaken bar on your way out of town and accidentally knocked me up. How close can you ever really come to love?" she whispered, her chin trembling. "In my head I know that, but it… No matter how it hurts, it doesn't change anything for me. Even with the little I've seen of you, Arthur, it's enough to show me you're a good man. Even in spite of everything that's happened to you. Even with everything you face every day. It only makes it more incredible that you've kept such a good heart inside. Even though for the life of you, you won't let yourself see it." She turned to the side and shook her head gently as she trailed off, "I'll never understand it…" She faced him again, but her eyes quickly fell. "That's why I'm so sorry for the things I said earlier outta hurt. I don't ever wanna make you feel worse. You need no help in that. I see your demons, Arthur. Though you try to keep 'em from me." She met his eyes and held them. "But it's like you saw in that little scribble I wrote to myself: no matter how tough it gets, I'm not goin' anywhere. Maybe it'll be the first time you'll know what that feels like."

They sat in the silence for a little while, and he finally took a quiet, deep breath.

"To your own hurt, maybe. That's my point. I'm tryin'a think of you here. Listen, I can't force you. I'm just tryin'a get you to see that you don't wanna be stuck like this forever, in this situation. Stuck with me."

Her brows softly came together for a moment, and she stared at nothing as she tilted her head to the side. Stuck… she thought. She realized just then that it was a word that had come out of both their mouths that day. She looked back at his face. "Is that how you feel about me, Arthur?"

He was caught off guard for a moment. "Is what how I feel about you?"

She could tell he was trying to stall. She blinked softly as she looked at him. "Stuck. That you're stuck with me."

He dipped his chin to his chest. "No," he said low.

She felt a soft smile force a curl at the corner of her mouth. Keeping her face towards him, she looked away with her eyes. "Stuck with you…" she chuckled with a shake of her head. "Truth is I'm lucky it's you. With as damn naïve as I am, I'm real lucky you ain't a creep, a bad feller, that you don't have it in your heart to take advantage, even though you might feel that's the effect on me."

"No. No," he said firmly, chuckling with a shake of his head. "It's me who's the lucky one. That you're so damn patient and good. Thought's run through my head many times now." He smirked at the sound of her soft chuckle. He brought a hand up and rubbed his neck. "Believe me, Eliza. I take no pleasure in bein' the level-headed one outta the two of us for once." He watched her smile ever so slowly fall away as her mind was brought back to what they were discussing. "You know…day'll probably come when you've had enough, and you get fed up. You won't even wanna see my face no more, much less… And you'll regret sayin' all this to me."

Eliza shook her head. "I told you I'll never get tired of you. Any part of you—inside or out. Ain't possible." She swallowed and swiped her hands back over her hair as she looked into his eyes, quickly feeling the onset of tears again. "All I know is I love you, and I can't stop; I couldn't if I tried. I don't think that's how love works, anyways. Not real love. And you've obviously never been shown by anyone what real love is. Well, I'm going to show you," she whispered firmly. "It doesn't matter, because I can't have you. But, Arthur, I just…" she covered her mouth as her face crumpled and a couple tears fell, "I just have to believe that somethin' good is gonna come out of all this. I have to. That hope… I cling to it. Because I've got nothing else. I've got nothing else."

He watched her tears fall across her cheeks and reached up to gently wipe one away, keeping the back of his fingers on her cheek. He noticed the comparison of his tanned, scarred hand with her smooth, clean skin. "You shouldn't cry. You weren't made for it."

She sniffed again and wiped her other tear away. "I've done plenty of it in my life." She licked her lips and took another breath. "We don't have to figure out all the answers now. Maybe we never will." She leaned forward and brought her forearms across his chest as she looked up into his face. "I just can't bear to fight when I have you here, Arthur. Won't you come to bed? Come hold me."

She felt him bring a hand to her elbow and caught him looking down at her mouth. She imagined his thoughts were something similar to what was in her own head: how very sweet the taste would be to kiss and make love right then. But there was also a sense in the air between them that no matter how difficult it was to keep themselves from each other, they simply couldn't immediately after discussing it in such a way.

He swallowed and nodded. "All right."

As he rose from the sofa, she took his hand, and they walked to the bedroom together. They lied down face to face, and she drew close to his chest, tucking her head under his chin as they brought their arms around each other.

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"What do I got to do to my love to make you understand me?

Where do I find the piece of your heart to keep you satisfied?

What do I got to do to my love to make you even notice?

Where do I find the words in my mouth to cut through the air tonight?

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'Cause every day I know that I am learning.

And age, it ain't the only thing in life.

But if memory's all you have then I can't find you

Beneath those eyes.

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How do I face the man that I am when my heart's still in hiding?

Staring me down, the days of my life that I've gotta justify?

Maybe I need the cracks in my skin, emotions are hard to carry.

Maybe I need the strength in your eyes to cut through the morning time."

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- Needtobreathe, "Angel at My Door"