Chapter 33
"What now?" Tim whispered.
"You know," Zahara said. "You know Dr. Hicks. He is a friend and he is a doctor. You know, Tim."
Tim nodded and let Zahara urge him into Dr. Hicks' office. Sherry was at the desk as usual. She had a sympathetic smile on her face when she saw them.
"Agent McGee, you can go right in. Dr. Hicks said he was ready whenever you came."
Tim nodded.
Zahara took him right up to the door. Then, she let him go.
"I will wait for you, Tim," she said. "You are not alone. I will be out here, waiting for you."
Tim nodded once more and then opened the door and walked in.
Dr. Hicks was sitting at his desk, and although he smiled when he saw Tim, his expression was grave.
"Tim, sit down."
Tim did...but he didn't say anything.
Dr. Hicks got up and limped around the desk and then sat beside him.
"What happened, Tim?"
"Ray's dead," Tim whispered.
"I know. I wish it hadn't happened, but I have to say that... this was probably what he wanted."
Tim felt his stomach twist and he stood up and walked away from Dr. Hicks. The burst of energy carried him over to the window.
"I worked with Ray for a few years, Tim. He got to the point where he wasn't drinking, where instead of hoping that he'd just die, he was hoping that he could find something to do that would help fix what he'd done... but he never got over having killed an innocent person. If he was able to save you, then, he was doing what he really wanted to be able to do... save someone innocent instead of kill them."
"He didn't have to die!" Tim said, angrily.
"No, he didn't, and I wish he hadn't, but I'm telling you that he may have wanted it."
"They killed him," Tim said, feeling himself starting to shake again.
"What are you feeling, Tim? Right now."
"I... I want them dead," Tim said. "I want to kill them. I want to kill anyone who would do this to me again."
He was trying to stay in control, but what little he'd had at home was vanishing.
"Let it out, Tim."
Tim shook his head.
"Let it out. You know you can."
Tim shook his head again.
"Tim, you know that this is a place where you can say anything, and you have a lot you need to say. You broke."
Tim didn't respond. Now that the moment was here, he didn't want to talk. He didn't want to see it in his head. He didn't want to do anything. ...but it was bubbling up inside of him, getting stronger and stronger.
"I'm drowning," Tim choked out. "It's killing me."
Dr. Hicks didn't speak.
"And it's going to kill everyone else."
He heard movement behind him as he kept staring out the window.
"And I just want it all to stop."
"All what, Tim?"
Tim put his hands over his head and felt the shaking increase as he tried to keep control of himself.
There was a hand on his back.
"All what, Tim."
"I can't do it anymore. I can't. I can't handle... I can't face it. I can't..." He repeated the same words he'd said to Levi the day before. "...until I'm obsolete or dead. I can't do it."
"Tim."
"What?"
"Let it out."
"No."
"Yes. You need to."
All the repressed rage was too much and it exploded out of him, but directed at Dr. Hicks instead of the ones who deserved it. He whirled around and pushed him away. Dr. Hicks stumbled and fell against his desk.
"Stop!" Tim shouted, almost screaming. "Stop! I don't have to! I don't need to! You can't keep doing this to me! I can't take it! Leave me alone!"
He stood there, breathing heavily and then suddenly, he realized what he'd just done and he was horrified. He backed away until he ran into the wall. Then, he slid down to the floor and buried his face in his hands.
"I'm destroying everything," he said.
And then, as had happened too often in the last couple of days, he started to cry again. He hated it. He wanted to stop, but the tears wouldn't stop. He couldn't stop himself. He felt wild and out of control. His whole mind was on fire with anger, horror, grief, shame and it was all focused at the moment on what he'd just done to someone he had trusted for years, someone who had done absolutely nothing to deserve it.
"I'm a poison," he gasped out.
He closed his eyes and could feel himself shaking again. He was still crying uncontrollably. And he couldn't hear anything outside of himself.
How long he sat there sobbing on the floor, he didn't know, but he couldn't stop himself. He wasn't happy about it, but he couldn't. It was actually getting hard to breathe.
But then, there was someone beside him, putting an arm around his shoulders. He could hear the voice speaking, but he couldn't understand it.
Then, the voice was intelligible, although sounding like it was coming from really far away.
"...and it's okay. I'm not worried about this, and you don't need to be either. It's okay, Tim. Take deep breaths. Slow, deep breaths. Let yourself relax a little bit. You can stop when you're ready to stop. You can scream more if you need to. You can cry. It's all okay. Just let it out and know that it's okay."
After another period of time, he felt like he could speak.
"I hurt you."
"Not much. Surprised me, yes, but hurt me? No. I was off-balance. That was the worst of it."
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
"It's all right. It really is. You shouldn't have pushed me, but it's all right."
"No. It's what I do."
"No, it's not, Tim. This is your mind trying to deal with a terrible situation and the shock of sudden loss. You've broken a bit. Maybe not all the way, but there are some deep cracks and what you need to do is take the time to address them."
"I don't want to... do this to anyone."
"That's good. You can work on it, then, and you won't. But, Tim, you have to face it, head on. You can't just think it will go away on its own."
Finally, he felt like he could sit up and open his eyes.
Dr. Hicks was sitting beside him on the floor...and he didn't look hurt at all. In fact, he smiled a little.
"Do you think you're ready to talk about this a bit more?" he asked. "Perhaps sitting up on a chair instead of on the floor?"
Tim was surprised to realize that he could smile in reaction to the light suggestion. He nodded.
"Good. Then, I'll let you help me up."
Tim stood and then helped Dr. Hicks get up. He helped him sit down on a chair and then, Tim sat down as well.
"Good, Tim. That's better. Now, the first thing we need to address is how you want to start working on this, how you want to start healing. Do you want to go to a hospital for a few days? It wouldn't be for more than a week, but it would give you a start. Or do you want to stay home and work with me here?"
"I can't leave Salma again. I promised I would go home," Tim said. "She was so upset when I left this morning. I can't hurt her."
"I understand that, Tim, but you have to consider long-term, not just immediate. If you went to a hospital, you'd have visitors. Salma could still see you."
"No, I told her I would come home again," Tim said. "I can't hurt her."
"And I get it, but, Tim, you need to think about more than just today. Can you heal while you're at home and coming here? Or do you need more help than that?"
Tim shrugged and leaned on his hands, choosing to look at the floor again. All he cared about was not hurting anyone he cared about. Everything else seemed extraneous, including his own healing.
"Tim, come on. I know you're struggling right now, but you can't just ignore the fact that you need time to heal. Just think about it for a few minutes, really think about it. Do you need to be at home to heal or do you need to be away from home to heal? If you went to the hospital, Salma could still see you. You'd have visitors, but you'd have more specialized care. If you were home, you'd be with your family all the time and have their constant support. You'd need to come to see me every day and we'd work on it here."
Tim knew that Dr. Hicks was right, but it was so hard to think about anything besides the fact that he didn't want to hurt his family. Whatever that meant.
"I don't know," he said, finally.
"Okay. How about this. You try it at home with your family. You come and speak to me every day, and we see how it goes. If you're still struggling, if you find that you're losing control with your family, you agree to go to the hospital for a few days. What do you think?"
"I don't know," Tim said.
"You have to make the decision, Tim. I'll support what you choose, but you need to decide. It can't be someone else forcing you."
In the aftermath of his most recent breakdown, Tim was feeling that numbness that often came after the extremes. Doing anything seemed beyond him. He was just feeling tired again. He leaned back on the chair and closed his eyes. For a few minutes, there was only silence.
"Talk, Tim. What are you feeling now?" Dr. Hicks asked, his voice soft and soothing.
"Tired. Numb."
"No surprise after that. How much did you sleep?"
"As little as possible. It got so I was seeing the light every time I closed my eyes. I couldn't handle it. So I stopped...and the less I slept, the less I could think about what I was doing. I let myself hate them. I wanted to. I wanted to hate everything about them, and they made it easy. They threatened to hurt Zahara and Salma. That's how they got me to do what I would never do. And I hate them. So much. I can't let it go. But it led me back to the dreams of light. I didn't want it. I couldn't handle that, either. So I stopped."
"You know what happens when you don't sleep, no matter how hard it is."
"I don't care. I don't want it," Tim said, still feeling numb.
"Okay. Then, Tim, no matter what else you decide, there is going to be one thing I will force you on. You have to start sleeping again. If you need to use sleeping pills for a little while, do it, but you have to start sleeping. That's one thing I can't negotiate on. Sleeping and eating regularly because I can tell you haven't been."
After the emotional excess before, Tim found he couldn't even get worked up about that. He just sighed.
"Tim, open your eyes and sit up."
Reluctantly, he obeyed and looked at Dr. Hicks.
"Promise me that you'll start taking care of yourself. And I don't like to manipulate you like this, but if you really don't want to hurt your family, then, you have to do that because neglecting what you know you need only hurts them."
Tim knew that was true. But the dreams scared him.
"I don't want to dream."
"You might. You probably will to start, but if you keep it up, the dreams will lessen again. I promise. You need to get out of this single moment and back to your life as a whole. It'll take some time, but you can do it if you try."
"I'm tired," he said and leaned back again.
"That's why you need to sleep."
"I want to go home," Tim said, knowing it sounded childish, but wanting to keep the emptiness for a while.
There was a long silence.
"Okay, Tim, but you need to promise me that you'll take care of yourself and, if it's not working, you tell me. I want to help you, but you need to do your part, and if you want to go home and sleep more today, that's a good thing. So do it."
"I just want it all to be over, but it's not."
"No, it doesn't happen that quickly...which you know."
Tim sat there for a while longer.
"What if I'm crazy?" he asked.
"You're not. Like I said, you've got a few cracks. You just need to work on patching them up, and you don't have to do that alone, Tim. In fact, I don't think anyone will let you."
"I want to go home."
"All right. For now, I want to help you really relax. Not this numbness you're feeling. Not the screaming before. Just relax. So lay back and start imagining your safe place..."
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Zahara was sitting worriedly in the outer office, rubbing her hands over her belly, hoping that there would be something that would be better.
"If you don't mind my asking, when are you due, ma'am?"
Zahara looked up, startled by the question. She saw Sherry smiling sympathetically.
"Six weeks and a million years," she said, smiling herself.
"My sister felt the same way when she was pregnant. I've been told it gets easier."
"I think it is a lie," Zahara said. "My first pregnancy was much easier."
Sherry chuckled. "Or you just only remember your baby and nothing else."
"I suppose." Then, she looked at the door and she sobered. "Will this work?" Zahara asked. "Will my husband be all right?"
"I think he will. Agent McGee has been seeing Dr. Hicks for a long time. I haven't seen him like this, but Dr. Hicks probably has. He knows what to do for your husband."
"I was afraid that he would never come back when he was missing. Now, he is back, but I am afraid that I will still lose him."
Sherry got up and walked around the counter. She sat down beside Zahara and rubbed her back.
"No. I'm not a psychiatrist, but I know it's important to have hope. Hope will help you get through this first bit where nothing seems to be getting better. It will take time, but it will get better. I promise."
"Thank you," Zahara said.
Then, the door opened and Tim came out. He didn't look better, but he didn't look worse. He just seemed tired.
"Zahara, could I talk to you before you leave?" Dr. Hicks asked.
Zahara nodded.
"Tim, sit out here and it won't take long."
"Okay," Tim said, quietly.
He sat down on a chair as Zahara went into the office.
"Have a seat," Dr. Hicks said.
She sat down.
"How are you doing?" Dr. Hicks asked.
"I am... all right. I am afraid."
"I don't blame you," Dr. Hicks said, "but unfortunately, what Tim is feeling isn't really different from things I've seen in him before. It's just a lot more extreme."
"I do not feel any better."
"I know. This is hard on everyone, but I wanted to talk to you because it could become more than just hard."
"What do you mean?" Zahara asked.
"While I was meeting with Tim, he had an outburst and he pushed me away from him, nearly knocked me over. Immediately after, he was really upset at what he had done and genuinely apologizing, but while he's still unstable like this, if he's feeling especially trapped by something, he might lash out again, and if he's home, it would be at those he cares most about. I don't want that to happen. It may not happen simply because he is so focused on trying to protect you, but you need to be aware of the possibility."
Zahara felt tears in her eyes.
"How long will this last?"
"I don't know. I doubt it will be as long as it will feel." Dr. Hicks took her hand. "Think of this like when someone breaks a bone. The bone can heal and sometimes it heals perfectly, but sometimes it heals and the bone is still weaker than the other bones. That means that stress on that bone could lead to a new break more easily than anywhere else. This is what has happened with Tim's mind. He was forced into a situation where his mind has its weak points and it broke at that point. It can be healed again. The break wasn't as bad as it could have been, but healing will take time."
"Should he be home with us?"
"For now, he's wanting to be there. But if you can have someone else with you right now, especially since you're pregnant and less able to deal with the physical fallout, it will be much better. Also, if you notice things deteriorating, then, call me right away and we'll have him go into psychiatric care for a few days."
"Do you think he should?"
"If you can get him to eat and sleep regularly and keep him coming here to see me, then, it really might be best to have him with his family since he's so sure that he'll only do damage to anyone around him right now. But if he does lose it, it could be detrimental. So it's a balancing act that we're going to be doing for the next few days."
Zahara was now genuinely afraid, and it must have shown on her face because Dr. Hicks smiled and squeezed her hand.
"I know this sounds awful, and it might be for a few days, but I think that you'll get through this slump. Tim is not himself right now and that's because everything was so hard that he shut down. To use a computer analogy, he now has to reboot his mind, and it's going slowly. It'll get there, but it will take time. Can someone be there with you?"
"His parents have been with me."
"Good. If they can stay, that will help. If they can't, then, you absolutely should get someone else to be there with you. It will be good for Tim and for you."
"I never thought that... if something happened, it would be like this," Zahara said, softly.
"It's impossible to predict, but it will get better, and if you need to talk to me or to one of my female colleagues, please do. While I know you're focused on helping Tim, you can't forget yourself, either. That won't help."
Zahara nodded.
"So when you get home, see if Tim will eat and encourage him to take a nap or something. He's working on a major sleep deficit right now. Then, tell his parents all of what I've told you so that no one will be ignorant of the situation. And you won't feel like you're facing it alone."
Zahara nodded again.
"Thank you for what you are doing."
"It's my job, but more than that, I care about Tim, too," Dr. Hicks said.
He stood up and then helped Zahara stand. She took a breath and then walked out of the office. Tim was sitting listlessly on the chair.
"Tim, are you ready to go home?"
He nodded.
"Good. Let's go," she said. Then, she looked back at Dr. Hicks. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. Tomorrow, Tim. First thing."
Tim nodded again.
"And sleep."
Another reluctant nod.
Zahara put her arm around Tim's waist and led them out of the office. Naomi picked them up and they went back home.
And Zahara just hoped that everything really would work out.