Thanks to: The Littlest Mouse, Readergirl99, shiningpearls, Joilnnn, Shadow914, 6000j and Steinbock for the reviews.
Annoyingly that thing is happening again where I get the email notification for the review and can read it all (unless it's long like yours, Steinbock and Mouse, at which point I lose the last half until FF gets its shit together) but I can't follow the reply link and the reviews don't appear on the Review Page of the fic either. I've sent an email to support, which seemed to fix it last time, so let's hope that get sorted soon.
WARNINGS: Swearing, I think... I mean, probably. There usually it. And at the end, my reaction to after watching the AF film that just dropped on Disney+in some countries yesterday.
CHAPTER TWENTY TWO
Under Orders
Fowl Manor, Dublin
Xandr Butler had eyed both youngsters carefully as Vivienne Fowl said her goodbyes to her son. Dom had had to pretend to be highly interested in the non-existent splinter in his palm to avoid eye-contact. The man's sixth sense for trouble was nagging at him.
"Yes, yes, Mother – now go on, you'll be late!" Tim said, practically pushing her out of the door.
"Any problems, get in touch," Xandr rumbled to his grandson, who nodded with military curtness.
"Yessir."
With one final furrowing of his brows, which Dom blinked freely throughout, the bodyguard trotted down the stairs after the two women and they drove away in the elder Butler's preferred car; the Rolls Royce.
"Oh my Lord, I thought they'd never leave!" Artemis exhaled, as the car crunched smoothly away down the gravel drive.
"How long are you planning to leave it before you call them?"
"Oh an hour at least – long enough for them to be settled in and unable to turn back."
"Right. Shall we practice some more on the game then?"
In reality, the video game was doing little to prepare the driver, Dom knew. But what it was doing, was improving Artemis' reading of navigation instructions no end.
"Oh we should practice," the Fowl said with a grin. "But I wasn't thinking the game..."
Dom swallowed. Played again.
The East Garages, Fowl Manor
He pulled the chair back and forth slightly until he was comfortable - Artemis had hauled it so close to the dashboard he'd had trouble slotting in behind it - and folded his hands around the steering wheel. He depressed the clutch, testing the biting point hadn't changed since the tune up, before he released the handbrake and looked to Artemis in the passenger seat.
"Are we ready?" the older teen asked, buckling his seat belt.
"Once around the grounds, right? Then we refuel and you ring your mother."
"Right."
"Slowly."
"Well, within reas…"
"Slowly. For now."
Artemis rolled his eyes. "You Butlers are too cautious. Let's begin. We've only got an hour or so to get the feel of it!"
Yes, except the only thing you're 'getting a feel of' is the door handle when you're clinging onto it in a minute, Dom thought wryly, revving the engine lightly.
The recently modified Mini rumbled in response and neither boy could deny the jolt of excitement that thrilled through their chests at the sound. Artemis pressed the garage door remote with great aplomb and Domovoi nudged the car into a forward motion, bumping it gently down the shallow ramp and onto the gravel forecourt.
"Which way?" he asked, drawing them carefully to a stop as they reached the large, ornate fountain that acted as a roundabout. It didn't much matter which way they turned, for the two and a half mile, single track route – which had once been a way for the family of the manor to enjoy quiet horse carriage ride through their grounds – came a full circle and would bring them back to this point regardless of which way they turned.
"Ah… right, I think. That way we shouldn't be spotted from the manor until our way back - if at all."
If anyone was going to discover them, it would not much matter which way they went, but Dom nodded anyway, taking what would be the third exit if this had been an actual roundabout.
"Now," said Artemis. "I've looked at the maps of the grounds, so I know roughly where this goes, but I'm not sure about the quality of the track all the way around…"
"Gets a bit rough in the north-west corner but the east side is fine. We can up the speed there," Dom interrupted as he changed gear and began to let the car move a little faster.
"How do you… oh – ground patrols?"
"Well," shrugged Dom. "And I jog it for exercise. Especially when I'm in trouble, actually."
Artemis didn't miss the slight accusation in his manservant's nephew's tone, but he let it slide.
"Oh, so you'll know it quite well then?" he chuckled.
"Yup," Dom said wryly.
"So do you think we could…" he rotated his hand a few times.
"If you're sure," Dom nodded, he had a feel for the clutch now – and the brakes, which were, of course, spongier than the majority of the cars he had been taught to drive in by The Major, but considerably sharper than a lot of the Academy 'bangers' they used for evasive driving practice.
"Well, we do need the practice…"
The words had barely left Artemis's mouth when the younger teen appeared to decide that the time for 'slowly' had passed and floored the accelerator. The car lunged forward, eating up the track beneath it hungrily as they entered a small copse of trees. Dom flicked the headlights on and the four extra lamps, which they had 'borrowed' from the shelf of spare tractor parts they had found in the disused barn and attached onto the front of the car, burst into life, illuminating roots, potholes, a rabbit that zipped into the undergrowth – all things that Artemis's brain had barely had time to process before Junior had avoided them.
They shot back out into the light of the summer evening and Artemis braced his hand against the door pillar, wishing they had had the time and equipment to install a roll cage as they reached a corner. He almost regretted asking the young Butler to drive faster as they came into it, Dom stomping the break, yanking the wheel and then flattening the accelerator all in quick succession. A spray of mud and gravel shot up behind them and Artemis just about had time to think that it would probably have made a decent photograph if he hadn't have been wincing so much as they were sling-shotted back onto a straight.
"Holy shit!" he said between gritted teeth as they rattled over the rutted ground.
The young Butler smirked, bring the car back down from the speed he had taken the corner out to a sedately half the mph.
"That what you had in mind?"
"That… that… where did you learn to drive like that?"
"'Cad, obviously. And my uncle's given me a few lessons and stuff," he shrugged.
"That was… That was fantastic!"
"That wasn't even the roughest bit of the track. I could probably do more with it when there's a few more bumps and stuff…" the Butler said, dismissively.
Artemis checked his watch. "Well, I guess we'll find that out shortly."
"Shall we do another few rounds so you can practice your note reading?"
"Oh definitely," said Artemis, picking up his pad and pen.
"Do you want a go driving?"
"Oh definitely not!"
The Main Hall, Fowl Manor
"Tell him everything's fine..."
"I will."
"Like immediately or...
"I will!"
"Because you know he'll only worry if you..."
"Junior! For heaven's sa... Oh hello Butler..."
Everything's fine, Dom mouthed.
Artemis hissed at him and flapped his hand, turning away, the coil of the phone line tangling around his waist. They had parked the car back in the East Garages and Junior had even had time to give it a quick clean down. Nothing like the level he would have cleaned one of the Fowl fleet, but enough to knock the dirt off and make Henry look a bit more presentable. He threw two motorbike helmets into the back seat as an after-thought. Other than his driving training, they had no other safety features in the vehicle bar standard seatbelts, after all.
"Everything's fine," Tim relented. "I just wanted to talk to my mother about something... Oh she's busy I see... Is there any chance you could... I understand..."
Dom sidled back into his eyeline, making rapid slicing motions across his throat with one hand.
Abort! Abort! Abort!
Artemis turned away once more, scowling at him.
"Please could you inform her that Angeline has invited me over for the evening?"
Dom switched sides, shaking his head rapidly
No - just give it up!
"Yes, certainly I'll take Junior with me. He and Vincent get along well, so he'll be welcome."
Dom cringed, holding his shoulders up to his ears.
"Oh don't worry about transport - Romeo will collect us... Angeline's brother... Yes I'm sure."
Dom grimaced further.
"Thank-you Butler – I'm sure I will. You enjoy your evening too."
He put the phone down with a sharp clack, smiling smugly.
"So..." Dom prompted.
"Oh ye of little faith," the Fowl drawled.
"Are we good?" Dom asked, impatiently. "We can go? Without me doing like eight-thousand press-ups for going AWOL?"
"We're 'good'," Artemis assured him.
"Well then... Shall we?" said Dom, feeling the familiar thrill of adventure tingling from his elbows to his fingertips.
Artemis beamed like a boy half his age.
"Let's g.."
The phone's shrill tone cut him off, echoing in the empty hallway and making them both jump. Both teenagers shook it off, clearing their throats and grinning sheepishly at eahcother.
"Ah shit," Dom muttered, when it kept ringing. "What's the betting that's Butler ringing back to tell us your mother says we can't go."
"No, it won't be," Artemis said, firmly. But he didn't sound very confident.
"You better answer it in case it is," said Junior.
"You answer it!"
"Why do I have to answer it?!" Dom protested.
"Because I said so," said the Fowl.
"Are you pulling the age card or the 'because you're staff' card?"
"Both! Now bloody answer it!"
"We could just leave it to ring out..."
"Junior!"
"Fine, fine... you do know you don't actually pay me for the pleasure of following orders off you yet?" Dom growled under his breath and picked up the phone.
He switched instantly into 'work mode' regardless of his comments, his voice changing from 'petulant teenager' to 'professional adolescent' in an instant.
"Fowl Manor, Junior speaking," he said, sternly.
Artemis snorted at him in amusement, wobbling his head and pulling a decidedly 'upper class' facial expression. The young Butler raised his eyebrows - 'Really?' - firing a one finger salute in his direction, which only made the Fowl heir laugh all the more.
"What the hell are you doing home, boy?" came the familiar, gruff tones, racing through the phone lines all the way from Switzerland.
Dom winced and Artemis frowned questioningly at him.
Major, Dom mouthed, cringing.
Artemis brought both hands to his temple. There was no way the man could know what they were up to, surely? Unless it was his inbuilt, well-honed sense for his charge getting himself into danger...
"Oh, hullo Uncle," Dom said, brightly. "How's the trip going?"
"Well, nobody's died yet," the man grunted. "That'll be tomorrow's main event I should think."
"So long as it's not Mr Fowl," Dom said, with a nervous chuckle. "What are the other guards like?"
"Not as bad as they could be," Myles admitted. "One of them is..."
There was another voice on the end of the line. The Major answered them curtly and switched to Russian for the next part of the conversation.
"One is alright. A man called Moses - ex-Military Police so he has a bit of a spine about him, even if he has got a slight superiority complex. There's a couple of younger, local-hire guys who need a few more years under their belt before they'll be trustworthy, but at least they can ski. Some uppity prick with a problem with me and any other fucker who won't bow down to him which I couldn't give a shit about. Simmons brought someone other than Bates, unfortunately, but he's semi-decent. And then there's bloody Westlund's new PPO. Henderson finally retired - Pa was pleased to know - but this guy is like someone stuffed the old git into a time machine, took thirty years off him and spat him back out."
"Shame," Dom laughed genuinely this time. "I would have thought you'd be looking forward to hanging out with the relic. I mean, he'd be very disappointed it was you that went along and not his best buddy The Butler who he knows very well, don't you know? But still - you're second best, right?"
"Any more cheek from you you'll be coming with me next time," Myles grumbled. "Maybe you could could be the one to listen to the droning bullshit these guys come out with and show these Swiss chaps that there's more to being a bodyguard than throwing yourself into everything with the gusto of a First Year on Peps."
"Gung-ho?" Dom asked, sympathetically - just in case his uncle was serious about dragging him along on Fowl Senior's next skiing holiday.
'Peps', sometimes referred to as 'Pep Juice', was a high-energy solution dished out at The Academy to students before, during or after a particularly hard training session, or throughout an expedition to keep the younger acolytes going. Its name stood for 'Protein, Electrolytes & Pure Sugar' - the actual ingredients of each batch made varied, but it was always a water-based drink, high in essential minerals, vitamins and, of course, glucose, drunk to combat loss of such things from sweating, exhaustion and fatigue. In general, by their third year of training, many students outgrew the need for regular doses, managing their energy levels through fitness, diet and proper hydration alone, but it was not unknown even for those approaching assessment to down a swig or two as a pick-me-up. Watching ten-year-olds on their first dose of the stuff was always interestingly amusing, as they went 'from tired to wired' as the saying amongst the tutors went, all in the space of about five minutes.
"Indeed," snorted The Major, with disgust. "Don't think you've avoided the question, by the way boy."
"Hmm?" Dom made a lightly enquiring noise.
"Hmm, he says - as though fifteen hundred clicks is far enough for me not to smell his bullshit..."
Dom took a breath, Artemis eyeing him carefully - his turn to mouth questions silently.
What? What is it?
"I just... came home," he said, shrugging despite the fact he couldn't be seen.
"And why did you just come home?" The Major droned.
"I just... felt like it. You know I hate being at the flat," he said, turning away from Artemis. "I stuck it out for a couple of days and... then I came home. That's all."
"That's certainly not all," Myles said, knowingly. "Are you going to tell me? Or are you just going to spin me some cock and bull story I'm supposed to believe until I get back?"
Dom chewed his lip. Evidently Pa hadn't relayed the real reason Dom was back at the manor early to his son - likely to keep The Major's mind on the job and not wandering towards the subject of homicide in the homeland.
His turn to switch languages for privacy.
"He's booked a holiday," he said, truthfully. "To Rome, next week. He's expecting me to go with them. He's selling it like some sort of family get-away. I thought it would be best to spend a few days away until I'm cooped up in a different country with him. Bit much to expect us to get along for two weeks solid, right?"
His uncle gave a different sort of hum; a disbelieving one. Although which factor of his excuse the man wasn't buying, Dom wasn't sure.
"How long are you going for?"
"Ten days," Dom told him. "Should be able to survive that, right? And you'll be home when I get back."
The Major gave a growling sigh. Dom thought he heard Mr Fowl's voice in the background from a distance; something about meeting him down at the bar.
"Yessir - everything back home is fine. I'll be there in a moment," the bodyguard called back to him.
"Time to go count units?" asked Dom.
"You know it," he said, sounding about as pleased as Dom had expected.
"You are missing a WI meet tonight though, so there is that," his nephew assured him. "Pa is probably having a worse time than you right now."
"Serves him bloody right for sending me on this dogs-job," Myles grumbled. "I take it you two are home alone then? Artemis behaving himself?"
"Artemis, behaving himself?" Dom repeated, lightly.
The young man in question nodded enthusiastically at him.
"Of course he is," said Dom, as though the insinuation he might not be was entirely unwarranted. "He's got me here."
"Yes," Myles said, tiredly. "That is pretty much what I was concerned about to be honest."
"We're being good as gold, Uncle - promise!" he lied through his teeth. "Now go on. You better go before Mr Fowl starts doing shots and dancing on tables."
"Well, it wouldn't be the first time this week I've pulled an inebriated aristocrat from an item of furniture," said his uncle.
Dom snorted. "I'll look forward to hearing about it. Don't deck it on skis in front of all the chumps."
He almost brought the phone over away from his ear before his uncle could make some warning comment about his insolence again, but the man seemed to ignore the jibe entirely.
"Are you OK, kid?" he asked, suddenly. "Honestly."
Dom knew he could tell him right now.
He could sink down the wall to the floor and sit there and tell him everything.
His uncle would listen.
He would make quiet, consequence-laden suggestions.
He would promise that when he got back, he would make things better.
But he had work to do.
And Dom had places to be, too.
Places he didn't want to tell his uncle about, either.
He couldn't be honest with him.
Not right now at least.
"Sure," the boy said, carefully nonchalantly. "Right as rain."
For a moment there was silence on the line.
"I'll see you when we're both back," said Myles and hung up with a sharp click.
Dom replaced the receiver and let out a breath.
"OK - let's get going!" he said, jotting down in the telephone log book that The Major had called to check in and everything was fine over there.
"Everything alright?" asked Artemis, tentatively.
"Oh yeah - he was just bitching about the lame-ass security your dad's pals have brought along. And the fact they're about to go drinking and apparently things got messy the other night and he's expecting the same again," Dom relayed. "I mean, skiing is bad enough but skiing with a bunch of hungover rich folk is worse."
"Did he ask you why you were here?"
"You heard - of course he did," Dom said, a little irritably.
"But you didn't tell him - when you were speaking Russian just then? I thought maybe you didn't want me to hear..." he said, a little awkwardly.
"What? Oh - no he just flipped to Russkiy because someone was eavesdropping and I copied in case they were on another line," he said - another white lie, but what did it matter? "I just fobbed him off saying I missed home. He needs to be thinking about looking after your dad, not about what's going on with me. And besides - I didn't lie. I am fine."
Artemis looked a bit uncomfortable with how comfortable the Butler boy was with never being the priority, but Dom knuckled him lightly on the shoulder with a grin.
"I also didn't tell him what we were up to, of course."
"As good as gold, you said," Tim said, wryly.
"Well - aurum est potestas, right?" said Dom, with a wink.
The East Garages, Fowl Manor
They fuelled up from The Manor's onsite petrol tank.
Dom thought about forging his uncle or grandfather's signature to sign out the litres they used, but decided it'd be less trouble taking the fuel without saying anything. It wasn't as though he was stealing it; it was Artemis asking him to take it, after all. At some point the discrepancy between the tank and the fuel book would be discovered and perhaps there would be some serious staff interviews regarding the issue, but that was a problem for some time way ahead of now. And in Dom's mind, there wasn't a whole lot of point worrying about that. Worry was just stress paid in advance on an uncertain outcome. He'd save his concern for present and near-future pressures...
Like the current pressing matter of voluntarily driving a stolen car in an illegal rally race for his future employer.
Getting to the Devlin's house was the first bone of contention. Artemis put forward the argument that at least he had a legal license, but as Domovoi pointed out, the car was stolen, uninsured, most likely not taxed and that it was perhaps better for the young, criminal businessman to be turfed out as the passenger of a stolen, uninsured, untaxed, illegally driven vehicle and made to walk home, rather than to be arrested and taken in for questioning as the driver. He would be best to leave the rap-taking to his closest Butler, as was Fowl habit.
As it was, they made it to Marigold Manor without incident. They barely passed any vehicles coming the other way and the only car behind them turned out to be one of the other competitors.
The main gates were open and as they lead the way down the drive and pulled up alongside half a dozen other cars that had already gathered, Dom started to see what had happened here.
"Tim," he said, carefully. "How exactly did you come about betting Romeo you'd take part?"
"Well he mentioned the rally and it just sort of... happened as a result of the conversation."
"Right. Did he mention why he baited you into taking part?" Dom asked, eyeing up the other rally cars critically. They were all 'bangers' as such, but vastly more engineered for the job than poor old Henry.
"Baited me?" Artemis said scornfully. "I can assure you, I volunteered myself for a position on the start line."
"Yeah..." Dom said slowly. "You see, I don't think this is going to be like big race with everyone on the same start line."
"What makes you think that?" asked Artemis.
Dom nodded towards where a group of young men who were presumably the owners of the vamped up vehicles, all gathered around Romeo Devlin who held in front of him a sack full of what turned out to be snooker table balls.
"They're drawing for heats," he said. "And we're just hear to make up the numbers."
"Oh..." said Artemis, momentarily deflated. "Well I suppose that explains a lot..."
Then in typical Fowl fashion, he smoothed the front of his shirt, checked his hair in the sun-visor mirror and popped the car door.
"Well we're here now. May as well see who we'll be racing."
"I'll wait in the car, shall I?" Dom said, wryly.
"Oh no, old chap," Artemis said, with a sly smile. "I'd quite like to see our dear friend Romeo's face when he sees who I've brought along with me."
"Alright," said Dom, who was not entirely opposed to the idea. "But try not to piss him off this time. My grandpa only glued my head back together a couple of days ago, remember?"
The crunched across the gravel together; Fowl and Butler, the age old partnership.
Dom fell into step behind his uncle's charge automatically, scanning the crowd for threats from behind the pair of aviators he had lifted from the kit room. He had filched Artemis a matching pair and even the Fowl had to admit they did look rather 'cool' wearing them as they strode towards the group. Dom was more glad they did a good job of hiding his black eye and helped to negate the setting sun's dazzling rays as it dipped below the still-threatening rain clouds when he drove. But there had been some plainer designs of sunglasses available that he hadn't chosen, if he'd care to admit it.
He wondered briefly what had become of the handgun he had launched into the ornamental pond last week. If nobody had fished it out by now, it'd want a damn good reconditioning...
"Ah, Fowl," said Romeo, his mouth curling into a sneer at the name. "I see you brought your pocket bodyguard with you again. No Hulk, this evening?"
"Presuming you're speaking of The Major," Artemis said, lightly. "No, I gave him the evening off. We're amongst friends, are we not?"
"Friends," Romeo laughed. "Yeah, that's right."
"Although I'm sure if anyone was to have a disagreement with myself, Junior here would be quite capable of calming things down," continued the Fowl heir. "He's rather good at that, as I'm sure you remember."
Romeo spat on the floor and Dom allowed himself the smallest hint of a smirk to curl the corner of his mouth.
"Yeah? Well it looks like your baby brute didn't come out too cleanly from our last 'disagreement' either, Fowl," he scoffed. "I've seen less black spots on a firehouse dog!"
Dom thought that was a bit unfair. His grandmother's salves were working wonders already at taking the bruising out of his face, neck and back. Admittedly, he probably still looked a state to someone just coming across him for the first time since the fight, but in his mind he looked much better already. Still, he slid the sunglasses up onto his head now he'd been rumbled anyway. No need to have those smashed into his eyes if things were about to turn nasty.
"Oh you can't claim credit there, I'm afraid," Artemis said airily. "Junior acquired those injuries undertaking other business. He achieved what he set out to do, of course, if with a few more souvenirs than intended."
Dom kept his dry snort to himself at that comment.
Yeah, sure Tim. If the goal was to get the snot beaten out of me by my mother's boyfriend, I did just swell. 'Overachieved as usual', as some of my tutors would say.
"Don't tell me," Romeo drawled. "I should see the other guy, right?"
Despite everything, Dom winked his black-eye at the eldest Devlin sibling. He'd seen both his elders do it in the past and was fond of the way it unsettled an opponent. Or at least when they did it, it did. The currently red-stained white of his eye certainly looked menacing enough.
"What was it? Cage?"the young man pressed him. "I thought you'd be resting up."
"Always training," Dom said, evenly. Though the statement confused him slightly. He had no upcoming matches that he knew of – although it wasn't unlike Paul to spring a match on his at short notice, the 'family holiday' had taken care of that this time. He glanced over to Artemis, in case he had entered them into a tag wrestling tournament directly after the race, but he looked as nonplussed as Dom was. Perhaps Vince had a competition coming up that his brother had assumed Dom would be involved in too. It didn't make any sense for Romeo Devlin to think he knew more about his schedule than he did if not.
"Yeah?" he said. "So's Vince. You better watch your back – Flex, or whatever your name is. Don't think you'll get lucky again."
"Junior," he corrected, not about to go by that name when he was representing his family. "My name's Junior Butler."
"Okidoki, JB. I'll just call you minibeast - that alright?" Romeo drawled, and then to the others who had been listening with interest to their exchange. "Are we drawing or what, ladies? Let's get this show on the road!"
The other drivers and navigators whooped and cheered and Romeo walked them over to the garage door, to the inside of which was fixed a large blackboard.
"For those of you who don't know how it works because this is your first race – Fowl – or you weren't here last year because you were hungover to shit – McCormack I'm looking at you..."
There was a rumbled of laughter and a rugby-type twenty-something year old held up his hand apologetically.
"... we each have a number. I'll pick the balls out and you race whoever I pick next. Three rounds, seven races. Winners go back into the bag for round two for the next drawer, last two standing go to the final."
Everyone nodded and murmured approval; that much was easy to understand.
"But!" Romeo said, suddenly. "This year, just to spice things up – I'm bringing in a wild card!"
He paused dramatically whilst a ripple of muttering went through the crowd.
"There's going to be three cars in the final - and that third car will be picked from all the cars still running and driveable, so if you get wiped out in round one, stick around for that."
The drivers seemed pleased with this. Dom noted which ones seemed especially so and marked them out as easier opponents should they be drawn against them.
As it was, they were drawn last against a team that neither Dom nor Artemis were sure was made up of a boyfriend and girlfriend or brother and sister combination. Either way, they looked down their slender noses at the vehicle they were pitted against in a way which made Dom feel quite protective over the Mini.
"What do you think? Do we stand a chance?" said Artemis, keeping his voice low.
"Depends on the driver, really," Dom replied quietly. "We're massively out-horsed here on all fronts, but the track will play a big part in it. Where are we racing around?"
"I... didn't ask," Artemis admitted.
Dom looked at him with something just short of exasperation, but fortunately for the Fowl, Romeo solved the problem for him. Sort of.
"And now if you'll all follow me," he cried over the hubbub of eager fans and drivers. "We'll drive over to the start line!"
FILM REACTION
OK... deep breath.
Don't read if you don't want SPOLIERS. If you can't watch it in your country, you're really not missing out. But when you can, I guess watch it justto tick it off the list and say you have.
It is exactly as bad as expected. Possibly not as bad in some places, definitely worse in others.
I suppose if you imagine it as a really high budget AU FanFic that got made into a film, it's OK as a kids film. Maybe I'm too old to appreciate it now, but I can't ever imagine being really into it even as a kid. It's almost like a bit of a self-insert from someone who liked Artemis but not that he was basically a weedy nerd so made him 'cooler' and a nice guy.
Some of the CGI is alright, but then some of the scenes without CGI look like they were filmed in like... a classroom, maybe? Weird.
Josh Gad as Mulch is good - he was probably the best in it and the truest to character. He 'narrates' it and I don't really mind that as an idea, it worked ok. In fact, it was good he did because the film was so all over the place it would be hard to follow without him explaining everything as it went kid actors tried by I think the script didn't help them. Judi Dench was a bit of a let down... Sorry your Dameship, but she just wasn't really on form.
I'm going to have to watch it again just to try to understand what the hell went on, because the plot was all over the place and really not a lot to do with the books. It was kind of like someone with a vague idea of the plot of Book 1 & 2 stuck them in a blender, pressed fast-forward but forgot to take their finger off the button at any point, sprinkled it with a hint of Book 4, stuck it in the microwave and dropped it face-down on the floor when they tried to get it out and stuck this thing called a... fuck knows what? They said the name like a billion times but I still forgot it - it was a killer acorn, anyway. Koboi was after it but you never see her she's just this weird-ass voice in a dark cloak who kidnaps Artemis Senior early on from a boat called the OWL Star. Not a fucking typo! OWL! OWL?! THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT IS THEIR NAME IS 'FOWL' YOU DIMWITTED... oh forget it, that's really not the worst thing they did in the movie.
The director admitted he never read the books and - well damn, man you were not fucking kidding were you?
They just... messed up with The Butlers. Entirely. Pretty irredeemably. Like, kind of spoilers kind of not because it tells you in the first five minutes, they flipped 'associate known only as Butler' into 'Don't call him The Butler or he'll snap you in half - he only goes by Dom or Domovoi' - I mean, they introduce him as a badass but they don't show it for the rest of the film. He basically goes around going 'Ha - your dad will kill me for this but I'll show you anyway' to Artemis and follows that up with 'Hmm, what shall we do now?'
He has one good line where Artemis asks him if there is anything to report when he's on stake out waiting for Holly to pop up and he says "Yes - I'm freezing" whilst dressed in full on cartoon camo. I mean, I thought that was funny, but it was OOC for Butler in the books. Like I may steal it for Young!Dom to say to Artemis Senior at some point, or one of the other Gang to bitch about to another, but honestly it was his one highlight in the film.
I was willing to let slide the surfing and MAYBE the 'Dom only' bullshit, but then Juliet flitted in and out making sandwiches and screaming other than when she beat her brother - but oh he's her uncle in this for some reason - in a mock fencing match and then when she has somewhat of a part in the scene with the troll and Dom gets flattened by a chandelier. And 'is dying' and SPOILERS Artemis reads him a poem. Juliet, despite screaming for Dom like ten seconds earlier just doesn't appear in that scene - or again until the end when she waves through a window I think? Fuck knows. She basically pops in and out. They may as well not have put her character in at all if they were massacring the whole fucking story anyway. Anyway, Dom 'dies' and then Holly gets her magic reactivated by Trouble Kelp's one scene in the whole film and heals him and he wakes up and asks if he cried, which he did. And then later on when they save Artemis Senior he says "I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry" whilst basically crying and to be honest, I think poor Nonso was having a shit time with the ridiculous contact lenses they had him in and they were just like "Ah don't worry about it - we'll just write it in that he cries a lot so we don't have to cover up your constantly streaming eyes..."
Just... people have flamed it in reviews already ad they are right to, I would say. I mean, mildly salvageable as a story set in Colfer's AF Universe, maybe like... Artemis Junior's son discovering fairies, maybe? No, actually still no.
Best described as a terrible film adaption of the books and even though they set it up for a sequel I don't think there's any chance they'll get one. Which is a shame, because the original material is so good it literally could have been a franchise to rival Harry Potter if you ask me. And to be honest I'm mad at Colfer for not just straight up having the balls to say "Guys, this isn't like the books at all, they've just used some of my ideas to make a new film so don't get your hopes up too much ok?"
I mean, we weren't expecting a lot after the trailers dropped, but even like a load of scenes out of the trailers (sprite scene in Vietnam etc.) weren't in the film and...
Just what a fucking let down after the length of the wait really, but we shouldn't be surprised about that.
Positives:
1) Anyone reading the books after seeing the film is in for a massive treat!
2) If writing that bad can get made into a film, then shit man maybe I have a chance one day... haha
3) If we all kick off bad enough maybe we'll get a TV series like Percy Jackson just has? I dunno... I'm clutching at straws here...
Wolfy
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13/06/20