C/W: Self harm, suicide ideation
Hurting
"I'm home."
Seki barely got her sandals off before two shadows loomed over her. She took a moment to mentally prepare herself, before raising her head with a smile, "I hope you two had fun watc-"
"Seki! Where did you run off to-"
"How are you feeling-"
"We waited for you outside the-
"Is there any headache-"
"Okay, okay! Stop!" Seki raised her hands in defence and the two men quietened down.
"I'm fine, I felt a little overwhelmed and went to find somewhere quiet. Once I felt in control I came back here immediately. I'm sorry I made you worry."
"Well then, at least you were able to handle it," Keimyou heaved a sigh of relief, but Tomiro still looked flustered.
"Still, you couldn't send us a note or-"
"I didn't really have time-"
"I looked for you everywhere-"
"I was already feeling overwhelmed, I didn't want to risk-"
"I know that, but did you not think about-"
"'Miro, I fought almost back to back battles and nearly went insane, I'm sorry I wasn't thinking of you!" The last bit came out snappier – and meaner – than she intended. Seki hoped if she kept her tone light, Tomiro would think she was just teasing, but all of them could sense her frustration.
"I... I wasn't concerned about that!"
"Good, because you're not-"
"Keimyou was worried sick! I know I'm just a random chaperone but could you at least spare a thought for the only family member you have left?"
Tomiro felt his cheeks flush. He knew he had to be more mature if he wanted to stay beside Seki, but some times it was almost too easy to prick her sore spots. Seki pressed her lips in a thin line to show she was aware of her selfish behaviour, but emotions were running high and neither were willing to give in just yet.
"Okay, both of you, calm down," Keimyou stepped in then, a hand on each of their shoulders, "Tomiro, thank you, but I'm fine now that Seki is back. Seki, would you like to eat something?"
"No, thank you. Maybe our random chaperone is hungry, though."
Keimyou rubbed his temples as his niece stalked to her room, and Tomiro muttered something about take-away before walking out the front door. The eldest of the trio gave it a few minutes before he knocked on Seki's room door with some tea. Hearing nothing, he let himself in and saw her by the window in a position he knew almost too well: gazing at the darkening sky, looking heartbreakingly alone.
He crossed over to the window, sitting on the sill opposite her.
"Keimyou... I am sorry, you know."
"I know, Seki."
Keimyou handed the tea to Seki, who took a sip and placed it on the ground.
"They told us we would get the results tomorrow morning."
"Did they?"
"Yeah. I think I'll pass."
"That's great."
They were quiet for a long while, and the moon was starting to shine through the clouds as Seki's fingers started tracing her tattoo-scar. Keimyou remembered when he first saw the carnation on her forearm, angrily raw and blood stained. Seki was asleep, collapsed on the floor from fatigue, but the red lines she carved in her own flesh screamed at him. He couldn't remember how long he stared at it before he shifted her to her bed and bandaged up her arm, but by the time he left her room his eyes were throbbing and dried of tears.
In the silence, Keimyou thought he heard the front door open, but there were no foot steps to indicate Tomiro had returned. He looked to Seki, but she seemed to be working up the courage to say something to her uncle.
"Keimyou..."
"Yes?"
"I'm tired of running."
"... Running?"
"We ran away from our homes to run away from our enemies... honestly, I feel like I've been running away from myself."
"I see."
"I'm just really tired."
"What do you want to do?"
"I don't know. I worked really hard to be a Jounin, but even during the exams, I can feel it – the poison – creeping up on me, and I," Seki clenched and unclenched her fists, trying to force the right words (if there were any) to her lips, "I just feel like I can never, ever relax, you know? It makes me feel so... held back? Wound up? Uptight? I don't know," Seki placed her face in her hands, breathing heavily.
"I can't say I understand how you feel, Seki, but you've come so far-"
"And it's only the first step, if I pass? It's already so tiring, Keimyou."
There's a tiny crack in her voice and when Keimyou heard it, he knew Tomiro heard it too from outside her room. He glanced at the door, worried at the other child he felt like he had adopted for his own.
"I don't know if it's worth it."
"What is?"
"Living like this."
"Don't say that," Keimyou pleaded, but more for his sake than Seki's. He knew it was selfish of him to demand this of her, but he wasn't a trained specialist on handling emotional baggage, just a father figure who had watched her grow up and tried his best to provide shelter for both her body and her soul. He didn't know what else to do to keep her demons at bay, but to reach out again and again.
Seki looked at her uncle's arms outstretched towards her. She extended her own arm, but the sheen of her keloid scars stopped her.
"Seki," Keimyou tried again, but his beautiful brown haired niece had started to tear up. Her red eyes watery as she felt her own skin.
"Every time I let myself go, something bad happens."
"That's not true-"
"I swear I'm trying to be better but-"
"Houseki Raion, I-"
"If I don't want to try anymore, it means I'm still bad, aren't I?"
Seki fell into her uncle's arms and sobbed quietly. She knew it was silly to be crying on the night before her promotion (she was going to pass, damn it) but she could not help it. All the strength in holding up her mask, her fake confidence, it had to break one day. At the back of her mind, she wonders what was it about today that made everything so hard to cope.
Was it the exams? She had felt tired, but she knew she was also excited. Didn't I prove myself? People were cheering for me! I was impressive, skilled, smooth-
Dangerous.
People didn't know any better.
"Seki, can you listen to me for a second?"
The girl nodded and Keimyou wondered when was the last time he noticed how small she really was.
"I can't take the pain away from you, nor can I take away any of your negative feelings. And maybe I'm being selfish here, but even if I could, I wouldn't. I think you are not you without them."
He heard a sniff that sounded like a snort, and hugged Seki a little tighter.
"You're not just a wash of happy smiles, but there are some days I know you're not just pretending to laugh. I live for those days, no matter how little. I hope you live for those too."
"Don't you get tired of watching me pretend, Keimyou?"
"I'd rather be tired, than sad every day you weren't here in this world, Seki."
His voice had lowered into a whisper, feeling like a louder volume could actually break his niece. By this time, Tomiro had moved to stand more obviously in the door way, unwilling to intrude but unable to hold back his own protective feelings. Seki stayed in her uncle's embrace for a while longer before she acknowledged his presence.
"'Miro..."
"You know the only reason I left is because Keimyou is here. Otherwise, nothing could chase me away Seki, not even your harshest words."
"That's... That's not fair. To you."
"It's not fair you have to hurt all the time, either," Keimyou murmured, soothingly stroking Seki's head.
"I'm sorry about what I said."
"I'm sorry for what I said, too."
They stayed like this for a while, breathing together in the dark evening of Konohagakure. Sometimes, that's all a family is.
Gaara twiddled with the top of his sand gourd hung a little behind his left hip. Naruto crossed his arms under his Hokage mantel, watching patiently.
"I'm not sure how to even start a conversation with her."
"If she's knows how important she is to you, I'm sure the words won't matter."
"Kazekage!"
Gaara broke out of his reverie at the sound of Hinata's voice. She jogged to him from inside the Hokage building.
"Hinata, are you on your way home?"
"Yes, I am. Did you accompany Naruto back to his office?"
"Yes, he still had some paperwork to finish up."
"Let me escort you to your accommodation then."
"Are you sure? It's getting late."
"I don't mind, Kazekage."
"Thank you, Hinata."
The pair walked in comfortable silence out of the building, broken occasionally when Hinata enquired about his siblings (Kankurou was having dinner with Keishi, Temari went to catch up with some Leaf kunoichis) and Gaara did the same about Neji (currently on a scouting mission in the Land of Water).
"How was your walk with Naruto?"
"I'm not sure how to even start a conversation with her."
"If she's knows how important she is to you, I'm sure the words won't matter."
"What would you say?"
"Er... 'I'm glad to see you again'?"
"It was... fine," Gaara responded vaguely, briefly recalling Naruto's struggle to give his red-haired friend advice on seeing Seki again, "Naruto has matured a lot since becoming Hokage, but words were never quite his forte."
"Mmm... It's a good thing his dedication speaks for himself."
"Yes," the Kazekage smiled slightly as Hinata giggled. It was a gentle, delicate sound.
"Just as your dedication speaks for you."
"Eh?" Hinata's cheeks immediately flushed and if the streets weren't so dim Gaara would have stopped to observe more closely the physical reaction that eluded his pale complexion most of his life.
"Am I wrong?"
"No! No, but I'm... I'm just doing my job. As a shinobi."
"You do more than that, from what Naruto describes. He could express his appreciation better, of course, but I'm not the one to talk-"
"Naruto is very kind to me already!" Hinata wasn't sure how the conversation turned out this way – she had meant to ask Gaara what made him look so uncomfortable before he left the stadium with Naruto. She felt her blush deepen under the gaze of his teal eyes.
"You are also very kind. I've seen how you speak to your siblings."
They both paused as they arrived in front of the Sand shinobi's accommodation. Gaara felt his stomach flip a little, as it always did when the conversation came to his family.
"I'm lucky my siblings still want to talk to me."
"Family is always there for you, even if they don't speak. My sister and I are too busy to see each other these days, but I feel her support is with me," Hinata's firm beliefs resonated through her grin and Gaara could see why his blonde friend had such an admiration for the purple haired kunoichi.
"It is difficult when they don't understand everything you experience."
"Must one be able to experience what you experience in order to understand you?"
"No, but," Gaara knew Hinata wasn't trying to judge him, but it was a discomforting topic nonetheless. It felt similar to when Naruto was asking him why meeting Seki again was so important and yet, so much more nerve-wrecking than anything else he'd ever done: he didn't want to compare the meaningfulness of his friendships when he should be feeling fortunate he even had friends. The years that passed had never quite lightened the weight of his insecurity.
"It is... different. To say you empathise, and to say you really know. One is not better than the other, of course-"
"But understanding someone, whether it's a friend or a family member, doesn't require logic or reasoning. It just happens when you want to."
Oh, Gaara thought with a start. Like when I thought I had to be better to deserve Naruto's friendship when I actually... didn't.
"Of course. You're right."
"But I get what you mean: it feels different when someone can relate exactly to your experience," Hinata nodded as she spoke, almost to herself, "Relating to friends can also be very different to relating to your family."
"Yes."
"And people are all unique in their own way, which means you will have different friendships with different people."
"But it doesn't mean one friendship is more important than another."
She nodded again, smiling slightly as her eyes gazed softly into Gaara's own. That's right, thought Gaara. It was just like the unique bond between him and Naruto was not more important than his friendship with Hinata, who was trying to see from his point of view. The Kazekage smiled, a little wider this time.
"Thank you, Hinata."
"You can express your appreciation pretty well, I see," she teased.
"I guess so."
The Hyuuga kunoichi bowed and took her leave, but before she could turn the corner, Gaara called out, "Hinata!"
Lavender eyes looked back, gleaming in the moonshine.
"Naruto's can express his appreciation well too. One day, you'll see."
Gaara was amused as Hinata managed to look both flustered and pleased. As she left, he thought about how Temari had once shown a similar expression when he tried to comfort her about Shikamaru. It felt good to be able to make someone happy, even for a moment.
"If she's knows how important she is to you, I'm sure the words won't matter."
"Maybe," the red head muttered to himself, before letting himself into his accommodation.
A/N: Less action, more emotions! cause I'm a SAP