Author's Note:
Congratulations to the a Toujours Pur Series Discord's Fan of the Month for September, Teddy, and the runner up Michelle! October's FOTM challenge will be posted later today and will be due September 26th (giving you 3 weeks to complete it), so if any of you guys haven't joined yet, please do! We have ~30 members now and are very active, have self-assignable roles, bots, ect… it's been a lot of fun!
Also, my lovely wife Aly (BellaRei713) wrote a short Cassatrix fic that is set after "What She Deserves" and could easily fit into my canon, so if you guys were into that pairing, please go check it out on AO3!
XXXIII.
Bellatrix and Cassandra's roommate situation could have been going… better.
Cassandra's endless parade of petty annoyances continued, although Bellatrix's priority grievance seemed to be that the woman had now manage to shrink all of her clothes so that nothing fit her anymore in a way that somehow, even magic couldn't fix. Honestly, if you asked Narcissa, she was fairly certain that her sister knew a total of zero household spells and that was the only reason why she was unable to fix what Cassandra had done. Still, it ended up being one thing after another until her sister finally snapped and took it way too goddamn far as she left a dead deer on Cassandra's dining room table one morning.
Poor Cassandra, who had been a vegetarian ever since Peter took her to some foreign country for their honeymoon and was served niffler of all the bloody meats, had an absolute meltdown when she saw it. Her grandmother used to own one of the largest ranches out in the countryside and she used to spend summers up there helping to take care of the animals, both mundane and magical. While she was raised to believe that some animals were friends and others were only worth what they could provide for humans – food, leather, potion ingredients, the like – that eventually changed and Cassandra had been giving money to animal activism foundations for the last twenty years.
So to say the poor dead deer with it's throat slit from ear to ear, bleeding all over her nice dining room table had negatively affected Cassandra would be an… understatement. She was practically inconsolable.
Narcissa had screamed at Bellatrix over it through the fireplace one night, but of course Bellatrix just got upset because she felt like Narcissa was prioritizing Cassandra over her as she had just done 'one thing', yet Cassandra had been doing stuff to her for over two weeks and that was apparently okay. Narcissa tried to explain to her that there was a huge difference between minor inconveniences and something emotionally fucking scarring, yet of course Bellatrix just took that to mean that she was just more 'efficient' at this stupid war they had apparently started than Cassandra was.
It was all so bloody childish, yet Narcissa knew that this animosity had been created between them for a reason, and it was entirely down to her.
Bellatrix did agree to a truce of some kind, but the conversation still ended in a fight when Bellatrix had told her that she was done doing things Narcissa's way because she 'wasn't getting anything out of it anymore.' That had gutted Narcissa, who foolishly and arrogantly believed that Bellatrix having her should be enough, but Bellatrix threw that back in her face, sarcastically telling her that she had been a 'real fucking prize lately' as she had fallen in love with someone else and fucked them behind her back for years, and then ended the call by telling Narcissa to just leave her the fuck alone, which she did because she knew her sister had every right to hate her.
It only got worse later that night though during her conversation with Cassandra.
"She fuckin' leaves a dead animal on my bloody dinner table and yet I have to be the one who's gotta buy her clothes an' cater to her demands? Are you sodding serious right now?!" Cassandra had shouted at her through her fireplace in her bedroom, infuriated by the terms Bellatrix had set down for their truce that included a variety of things, but most notably a shopping trip wherein Bellatrix would use Polyjuice potion to go with Cassandra as the woman replaced her wardrobe that she had ruined, as Bellatrix didn't trust that Cassandra wouldn't come back with pastels if she wasn't there to supervise.
Narcissa had thought that was a horrible idea and terribly risky, but Bellatrix had just continued shouting at her and Narcissa didn't really know what else to do because if she didn't take these terms to Cassandra then Bellatrix was threatening to hang fluffy little bunny rabbits from her rafters, and that would absolutely destroy Cassandra's psyche.
"Cass, please. I know it's not ideal, but if you both don't come to some sort of accord then this is only going to get worse."
"No, I am tired of you always prioritizing that psycho!" she seethed, which wasn't fair because Narcissa wasn't, not really, but Bellatrix was very immature and Narcissa was counting on Cassandra to be the reasonable one. Perhaps that might have been too much to ask though, as Narcissa seemed to always be counting on Cassandra to just bite her tongue and deal with the misery Bellatrix brought her in more ways than one, and that was no doubt wildly unfair to her. Cassandra looked like she was nearing the end of her rope though and that terrified Narcissa, as she really did not want to see what happened when the woman no longer had anything to hold on to.
"I'm not prioritizing her, I promise, I'm just trying to mediate the terms of your truce," Narcissa tried to explain, but to no avail.
"That's not a truce, Cissa, that's blackmail!" Cassandra shouted, which, okay, was valid considering Bellatrix said if Cassandra didn't adhere to her wishes then things were only going to get worse. Still, considering Narcissa couldn't actively be there to mitigate the emotional damage they were causing one another until after they were certain the Ministry was finished with their raids, Narcissa was desperate for them to find some sort of middle ground in the meantime.
Which was why Narcissa kept making excuses for her sister, even though a part of her knew it was only going to make things worse. "I know it sounds that way, but—"
"Fuck you, I don't even know why I'm doing this!" Cassandra seethed, the words choking up in her throat as tears sprung to her eyes. Narcissa's heart clenched in her chest, realizing that maybe this really was coming to a head for her. But Jesus, she had offered to do this, hadn't she? It wasn't like Narcissa had forced her to take Bellatrix in, but maybe she wasn't acting as grateful as she should or— God, she didn't know. Narcissa didn't know how to fix this and now her girlfriend was crying and she felt like absolute shit. "I always do everythin' for you, to save your ungrateful arse, an' what do I get for it? Great, ya fuckin' love me, what a sodding prize that is right now—"
Oh God. Oh God, oh God, Narcissa could not have both of them shred her with the same thing within an hour from one another. That was not an introspection that she was ready for, even though it was probably ridiculously overdue.
"Please don't— please don't say that," Narcissa begged, her own voice choking with emotion as she tried desperately to hang on to something she felt was slipping through her fingers. God, she should have never let Bellatrix go there— they should have found some other alternative, any other alternative, because Narcissa was not ready to lose another person because she kept constantly prioritizing her sister whether she actually meant to or not. "I'll make it up to you, I'll make this worth it, I swear…!"
"Just leave me alone, Cissa," Cassandra demanded, looking so awfully defeated by the reality she was facing. Fat tears rolled down her freckled cheeks and yet the anger in her eyes outweighed her sadness as she told her, "Take some time an' figure out your fuckin' priorities, 'cause I thought I could do this but maybe I just can't."
Narcissa felt like she couldn't breathe. "Cassandra, please—"
"No— I said I want some bloody space, go!" the woman furiously demanded, as she couldn't close the connection on her end as Narcissa had been the one to actually call. Narcissa did as she was asked though, knowing it would only make things worse if she kept pushing Cassandra while she was this upset. She just… she just needed some time, right? Time to calm down, time to… time to think about leaving her, apparently.
Narcissa cried herself to sleep that night.
The worst part was that Narcissa was more than aware that she wholly deserved this from both of them. When she was younger she could justify her selfish decisions with a lot of mental gymnastics, but now that she was older she knew just how shitty she was being to both of them. Sure, she could pretend that Bellatrix's approval of her horrible personality made her decisions justifiable, but it didn't. Narcissa just wanted it to, because then she wouldn't be forced to make a choice. She didn't even know how to make a choice, honestly. She loved them both. She wanted them both, and the only reason she would not have them both would be if one of them left her of their own accord, because Narcissa knew she would never be able to herself.
She should have let Bellatrix go a long time ago, but now it just seemed pointless because it wasn't like her sister had any of her soul left to save. Narcissa had ruined her, they had ruined each other so goddamn thoroughly that there was no longer a reason to separate as there was no salvaging their sanity. Not that it mattered— Bellatrix would never leave her, that reality had been solidified with Narcissa's betrayal of her trust after she had lied to Bellatrix and went behind her back with Cassandra. If that didn't make her sister leave, then nothing would. Bellatrix would rather seek vengeance against her for the emotional pain Narcissa had wrought, yet at the end of the day still demand that she be in her sister's arms. They were a mess, but it was a mess Narcissa was used to, and that alone made it comforting.
Cassandra still had time to be saved from her, should Narcissa only find enough strength to let her go. The problem was she couldn't. And it was awful because it wasn't like this came out of nowhere either, Cassandra had even known that this was going to end horribly when Narcissa had begged her to come back to her because she couldn't bear the thought of losing her as a friend on top of everything else, and remembering her words made Narcissa's chest ache because maybe she had been right all along.
"You're gonna fuckin' destroy me… an' I don't know why— I don't know why I'm lettin' you; I thought I was bloody stronger than this…"
Narcissa felt horrible. She loved Cassandra so much, she wanted so desperately to make her happy because she never felt anything comparable to how Cassandra made her feel. Her love for Lucius and her love for Bellatrix were just so different than her love for Cassandra. Lucius' love was something steadfast and comforting, Bellatrix's was passionate and all consuming, and Cassandra's was… weightless. It made Narcissa feel light and free and happy, but the problem was that it seemed that feeling was not returned, as Cassandra had recently been acting as though she was getting crushed beneath the weight of her emotions. She had tried, she was trying so bloody hard to be okay with everything that was going on because she had rationalized it as just another part of Narcissa's mental illness, but maybe it was all just getting too much for her.
Narcissa didn't know what to do.
She left them both alone for three days. It was awful and Narcissa had quite a few breakdowns, but she knew she had to respect both of their desire for space because she didn't want to suffocate either of them anymore. Still, Narcissa could only take so much silence. It was worse that Draco hadn't been returning her letters, and while she knew logically nothing horrible had happened since she would have heard something, it was still so bloody hard not to drown in her fear over her son when she didn't have a distraction. Besides, there was only a week left until Christmas leave and he would be coming home soon and they needed to make a decision about what to do, because the Ministry still hadn't come and Narcissa was now wondering if they even would, and if any of this was even worth it.
And so she called them.
Narcissa sent her message through the Goyle's main fireplace this time, hoping that she would catch one or both of them that way as it was the middle of the day and she doubted they would be in their rooms, and thankfully when she called out she was answered by Bellatrix who was Polyjuiced as her as she greeted her with a flat, "Pretty sure we both told you to fuck off."
Narcissa exhaled a long sigh. Not that she was expecting anything different— although Bellatrix knowing that Cassandra had also asked for some space was surprising, as that meant they had something resembling an actual conversation at some point which was… a strange concept. Although, perhaps it had just come out during another argument; who bloody knew with them anymore. Narcissa doubted their living situation had become bearable even with the truce that Narcissa hoped they had both had enough sense to uphold.
And yet not long after Bellatrix had come into the parlor she was followed by Cassandra, who had definitely looked… better. There wasn't anything really wrong with her per se, but it looked like the woman just had this dark cloud over her head as she situated herself in the large armchair facing the fire, a cup of tea clasped between her palms as she pulled her knees up to her chest and just stared at her, saying absolutely nothing.
Shit. Okay.
"…Hi," Narcissa greeted softly, her eyes softening as she looked at her girlfriend, wishing she could just come over and wrap her up in her arms. Cassandra looked so goddamn miserable and Jesus, she needed, she needed to fix this— if this was what Bellatrix living with her was doing to her, Narcissa needed to find another solution. She couldn't keep doing this to her.
"Hi, what the fuck do you want?" Bellatrix snapped as she flopped herself down on the couch, propping her elbow up on her bent knee as she sprawled out like she absolutely owned the place. Cassandra's gaze shifted toward Bellatrix momentarily before she allowed her eyes to rest on Narcissa, yet she still did not speak. "Spit it out."
"Bella, please— I'm not trying to antagonize you," Narcissa responded exasperatedly. "I just needed to talk to you both about our living situation, because I don't— I don't think this is working."
"Yeah, for you maybe," Bellatrix responded, snorting. "I, on the other hand, am perfectly fucking happy here, so thanks for your concern, but you can fuck off again now— let us know when the Ministry comes and then we can revisit living situations."
She was— what? Jesus, was she trying to be funny? Even if it was bullshit, it still gave Narcissa whiplash. "Bella, don't be ridiculous; I know you're mad at me but I'm not stupid. I know this isn't pleasant for either of you."
"Well maybe we found a way to make it pleasant— what's it to you?"
"Bellatrix, shut up." Cassandra had finally spoken, but her voice was softer than the demand should have been. Bellatrix still obliged her though for whatever God forsaken reason, chuckling bitterly as she grabbed a handful of every flavor beans that were in a nice dish on the coffee table, putting a bunch of them into her mouth at once. Narcissa's lips curled— that probably tasted like shit, but Bellatrix was in a weird mood so she just let it go and instead turned her attention to her girlfriend.
"What the hell happened in the last three days?" she asked, because this whole interaction was fraught with a tension Narcissa didn't know how to name. She knew both of her lovers were still angry with her, but their animosity with each other seemed to have morphed into… Jesus, Narcissa didn't even know. It was still there, clearly, but had they actually talked or something? They seemed… more comfortable with one another; more comfortable in that way one would feel if they moved from sitting on glass shards to a bed made of rocks, but there was still a distinct difference all the same.
"Nothin'. We just— had a conversation," Cassandra told her and, okay, that seemed reasonable Narcissa supposed, but she also didn't like the way Cassandra wouldn't look at her when she said that. What had she said? Narcissa was a little terrified to find out, which was why she did not ask, honestly. If Cassandra was on the verge of leaving her she knew Bellatrix wouldn't hesitate to push her towards it, so Narcissa didn't want to bring up something that had the potential to be devastating.
Whatever they had talked about, it had at least made them find some unstable middle ground on which to stand, which probably meant they had just bonded in their shared misery over loving her, which… did not make Narcissa feel great, honestly. God— she needed to do something, but she didn't have the first clue how to start. It was starting to make her anxious.
"Well… I'm glad you guys talked," Narcissa tried, because what the fuck else was she supposed to say? No, she wasn't glad they talked if it was only going to make them both realize that neither of them were on the winning side of this war, as Narcissa was fairly certain all three of them were going to lose once this was all over, but she also didn't want them to hate each other either, so if them talking stopped the cauldron from boiling over then how could Narcissa say that she didn't want that?
Bellatrix snorted again as she continued to pop beans into her mouth, and Cassandra still wouldn't meet her gaze.
"Look, Christmas leave is only a week away, and we need to— this needs to be sorted before then," Narcissa tried to rationalize. "Have either of you heard the Ministry preforming more raids? Because I haven't, and— and maybe it was just a one-off. Maybe they could only toss the place due to whatever that 'tip' they had, but because they didn't find anything they can't come back without another reason. Maybe it's over…"
"That's a whole lotta 'maybes'," Cassandra pointed out and okay, she wasn't wrong, but this couldn't be an indefinite thing either. Their children were coming back home soon; even if it was briefly, Narcissa didn't want to throw them in the middle of this mess. Besides, they still had secrets, didn't they? Gregory didn't know the whole of what was going on, and that was another big concern.
"Fine, maybe it is, but it's not like your son knows that I've been hiding a wanted criminal, and when he comes back for Christmas leave—"
"Of course he bloody does," Cassandra interrupted, which— what? Since when? "Peter was bitchin' up a storm during Easter leave one day about Bellatrix after he came home from one of their little meetings— guess you were threatening everyone in vivid an' creative detail over them talkin' shit about you guys screwin' each other while you were in prison," she addressed Bellatrix, but Narcissa's face drained of color. She knew— she knew, of course, that all of the Death Eaters must be well-aware about the truth regarding her and Bellatrix's relationship by now, and she also knew Bellatrix would take care of that the best she could, but had Cassandra's son heard? Because if he told Draco…
"Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?" Narcissa exclaimed, feeling as though she might pass out. Cassandra turned back to her girlfriend then, taking in the expression on her face.
"Gregory didn't hear that part— for fuck's sake, I woulda told ya, of course I would have, but he came into the room an' he heard Bellatrix's name bein' said, an' he asked where everyone was hiding 'cause he's just curious, y'know? An' Peter said he wasn't sure but he'd put money on Bellatrix bein' with you an' I… I mean, I don't lie to my kid, Cissa. Jesus."
Well that was a load of crap considering she had for fourteen fucking years, as Narcissa knew Cassandra and her husband had told Gregory the truth not long after Draco found out, as with the Dark Lord being back it put their family at risk again and Gregory deserved to know what was going on, but did she really have to tell him that Bellatrix was with them?
"If that 'tip' came from your kid, so fucking help me—"
"Don't you fuckin' blame my son!" Cassandra snapped at Bellatrix, who actually looked a little taken aback by the force of her reaction. Bellatrix never understood motherhood though. "His loyalty is to his family and his 'Aunt Cissa' is part of that now, so fuck right off."
"Oh God, he calls you 'Aunt' now? Wait— wait, actually that's hilarious," Bellatrix decided, and Narcissa knew exactly why she found that funny and glared at her through the fireplace. Not every bloody thing had to be incestuous; 'Aunt' was also a term of endearment, although she wasn't surprised that Bellatrix chose to disregard that.
"Regardless," Cassandra stressed. "I heard him and Draco talkin' about Bellatrix trainin' him— Draco never told him what for, obviously, an' that's somethin' I don't want Gregory caught up in, but yeah… he knows she's here. So if you're worried about Christmas…"
"Of course I'm worried about Christmas— what do you want to do, have Bellatrix over instead of me and my son? We need to figure out a plan."
"Why does this gotta be an either-or situation?" Cassandra asked her, which made Narcissa gape at her, and Bellatrix actually laughed out loud.
"Please don't tell me you're inviting me 'round for the bloody holidays— Cassandra, look at me," Bellatrix demanded, and Narcissa didn't even have time to process the fact that Bellatrix had just called Cassandra by her actual name instead of 'whore' or 'bitch', because Cassandra had turned to Bellatrix immediately without an eye roll or a scoff or some other kind of general displeasure at being ordered around by a woman she despised, and that was also jarring to witness. "That is a bad fucking idea."
"I thought that's what you wanted," Cassandra stressed to her in a sarcastic tone, causing Narcissa's brow to knit.
"You wanted to come 'round for the holidays?" That didn't sound like Bellatrix at all.
"No! I— ugh, I just fucking said I missed you, alright?" Bellatrix snapped in the most defensive tone ever, although probably because she was supposed to still be mad at her. "And apparently your girlfriend is taking that to mean we should all play happy family together, which is going to end badly for everyone involved and is more drama than it's fucking worth with your bloody kids around!"
Her girlfriend? Did Bellatrix— did she just validate their relationship? This entire interaction kept giving Narcissa whiplash.
"Then don't cause drama," Cassandra challenged her, looking incredibly self-satisfied for some reason as Bellatrix narrowed her eyes at her in warning. Cassandra's smirk just widened. Was this just another way to torture her sister? Bellatrix did have an awfully big problem with trying to keep herself under control, after all. At this point, it was the only thing that really made any sense.
"Look, end o' the day I might not like you but I'm not gonna leave ya alone durin' the holidays either— that's fucked up," Cassandra told her, before turning to face Narcissa. "Besides, by that time we should be in the clear with the raids 'cause it'll have been over a month, an' even if we're not that still gives her an' extra two weeks of bein' here which solidifies her safety more 'cause what if they decide to toss your place durin' the holidays an she gets caught? Just sodding pointless— she's fine here, just let her be an' come over with Draco."
"Your sanity really has taken a hit, huh," Bellatrix deadpanned. She shifted her gaze over to her sister then. "Nice work, Cissy. She actually cares about my safety. You broke her."
Narcissa was inclined to agree, although she wished she didn't as she was afraid what Cassandra would do if she were truly broken. "Cass, I… I love you for thinking about Bellatrix, I do, but all of us under one roof will get… messy. Like Bella said, our kids will be here, and while I know they're both aware of our relationship, I can't just— I can't ignore my sister, but I also can't be with her while they're here either. That's not fair to her."
Cassandra rolled her eyes. "For fuck's sake, if you need to bang her that bloody badly I'll take the boys out shoppin' or something, who cares."
Well, she should for one, shouldn't she? Narcissa felt like she had no idea what was going on anymore. What the hell kind of conversation did they even have for this to be the result? Narcissa wasn't even sure she knew what 'this' was, but something about it felt… wrong.
"Jesus, grow a sodding backbone," Bellatrix snapped, now annoyed over Cassandra apparently accepting the inevitability of their relationship. Was she really never happy? Christ. Although to be fair to Bellatrix, she looked more irritated at Cassandra's compliance than anything else, but it was probably only because she didn't find their feud to be any fun unless fighting was involved. "You're acting like that bloody doormat you're so fucking terrified of becoming— what, do you want to watch while I screw her next? Stay angry, for fuck's sake— this pathetic shit isn't cute."
"Ya know what? Both of you can fuck off," Cassandra snapped, putting her tea cup on the table so roughly it nearly broke. "Sorry for tryin' to offer somethin' nice for once; I won't bloody do it again."
Bellatrix rolled her eyes at that, but Narcissa felt horrible because maybe Cassandra was just trying to be nice, maybe she was just trying to make this a less shitty arrangement for all of them by putting them in a situation where they would be forced to get along in front of the kids. Narcissa didn't really… she wasn't entirely sure she followed the woman's thought process, but her heart had to be in the right place.
Because it wasn't… it wasn't that Cassandra was self-destructing and wanted to exacerbate that by doing something reckless, because Narcissa couldn't accept that, even though all signs were probably pointing to that being the case. Cassandra was acting a little off, sure, but she was fine, wasn't she? She… she had to be fine. She wouldn't want to put her child in the middle of a war zone, so she must— she had to believe that everything would be okay. There wasn't any other option, because if Cassandra really had fallen off the cliff then Narcissa doubted that her reckless decisions would end there, and Narcissa was a little afraid of how far the woman would actually fall before she hit the ground.
But it didn't matter, because she was fine. Cassandra was fine. It was okay— it needed to be okay, because Narcissa wouldn't know how to fix it if it wasn't, and so outright denial seemed like the easier option.
"No, I'm sorry— listen, I appreciate it, I do, and of course… of course we'll do that. Whatever you want."
Bellatrix silently mocked 'whatever you want' under her breath, which Cassandra thankfully did not see and Narcissa pointedly ignored. Cassandra still did not look happy though, and Narcissa didn't know what to do. She felt so utterly helpless.
"So… what should we do about the next week until the boys arrive?" Narcissa tried, because she definitely did not want this to continue for another seven days. She hated being separated from both of them, especially since it seemed to be negatively effecting Cassandra. Bellatrix looked strangely better than she had last time, but maybe that was just because she enjoyed watching her romantic rival spiral.
"I dunno. I don't care. I need more tea," Cassandra exhaled with an exasperated breath, standing from her chair as she grabbed her cup.
"Cass, please don't—" But she was already gone and Narcissa exhaled a defeated sigh before her gaze shifted to her sister, who was still just lounging there eating those goddamn beans, rather unperturbed by this whole ordeal.
"Bella, what happened?" Narcissa begged desperately, just wanting to get a better idea of her girlfriend's head space. Maybe it was stupid to ask Bellatrix of all people, but she was the only one who was constantly around Cassandra lately and could give her a better update.
Bellatrix popped another bean in her mouth, talking with her mouth full. "I fucked her."
Narcissa's brain clicked off. It was like her entire body shut down and she just gaped at her, unable to process the words her sister had just said, because there was… there was no way—
Bellatrix of course, like an arsehole, began madly laughing at her unkind little game. "Shit, that was hilarious— the fucking look on your face…"
Ugh. Why was she like this?
"You're not funny; I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you! I'm worried about her, Bella, and I know you don't care about her but please—"
Bellatrix snorted, looking at her like Narcissa had to be kidding her with this. "You're not worried about her— you're worried about yourself. You're worried that this little fucking breakdown she's having is going to make her see that your bullshit isn't worth it. At least have the bloody decency to own your selfish crap, Cissy, for fuck's sake."
Oh God. Narcissa didn't even acknowledge Bellatrix's accusation because it really didn't even matter in the bigger picture of things. "So, she… she is?" Narcissa asked softly, her stomach twisting into knots. If Cassandra really was falling apart, then she needed to fix this. "Shit. Shit. I need to come over—"
"I'm pretty sure nobody fucking invited you," Bellatrix snapped, finally sitting up straighter on the couch, her casual demeanor forgotten. "Us telling you to fuck off hasn't ended just because you wanted to force your way back into our lives with your bullshit excuse of the holidays. Neither of us want to see you right now—"
"Stop speaking for her!" Narcissa furiously exclaimed. Bellatrix was acting like she knew how Cassandra felt, but she knew it was only something her sister was using to try to break them up. Regardless of whether they talked or not, there was no way they formed any kind of united front against her. That was just— that did not happen. They hated one another too much for something like that, didn't they? "If she doesn't want me there then she can tell me herself—"
"Fine," Bellatrix stressed, holding out her hands in offering to the woman who had returned to the parlor, another cup of tea clasped between her palms. "Cissy wants to come over."
Cassandra whipped around to face her girlfriend in the fire. "What? You can't— Bellatrix looks like you right now; if someone were to walk by the windows an' see then we're all fucked; don't be stupid. I'll see ya when we get the boys at the station—"
"What?" Narcissa exclaimed, not expecting that kind of awful decision to be made. Okay, fine— that was closer to the original plan, but things had changed, hadn't they? Cassandra wasn't— she wasn't doing well. They couldn't keep being separated like this! "Cass, come on; we need to talk before the boys come home."
"About what?" Cassandra challenged. "Everything's fine, ain't it?"
"No, everything is not fine!" Narcissa practically shouted, feeling terrified and helpless all over again. Why wouldn't they just let her fix this? Why did they have to keep pushing her away?! "Both of the women I love keep telling me to fuck off—"
"Yeah, 'cause I am tired of you tryin' to distract me with your pretty fuckin' words, Cissa!" Cassandra exclaimed, causing Narcissa to fall silent and Bellatrix to smirk in cruel satisfaction. "You can't just crawl in my lap an' whisper shit in my ear an' think everything is gonna be okay! For fuck's sake, just let me deal with this bullshit inevitability in my own way— 'cause I get it, okay? You're never leavin' her, fine, but if you want me to accept that then you need to give me some bloody time to find some way to process this shit. Bellatrix bein' here, without you, is lettin' me do that. She is the reality I gotta face right now, an' all you give me is a fantasy. You might still be a fantasy I want for whatever masochistic reason, but not right now. Just give me some fuckin' space, Cissa, damn. I shouldn't have to ask you twice for this shit."
Narcissa was gutted by those words though, her brow creasing in upset as she looked at the woman she loved though the flames. "For whatever masochistic reason?" she breathed, hating how she had worded that. Bellatrix, however, just snorted sardonically.
"Don't fucking pretend that you don't know that anyone who loves you wants to punish themselves. You can't really think you make anyone happy, do you?"
Narcissa's eyes welled up with tears, feeling rather hollow. Cassandra at least shot Bellatrix a scathing look at that though, finding that to be a little too harsh. "Don't be a dick— if she didn't make us happy in other ways neither of us would stay an' you know it. We're hurtin' her enough; your desire for revenge is bein' sated— ya don't gotta make it worse."
"But it is going to get worse," Bellatrix harshly reminded her, causing Cassandra's gaze to find the floor. "Don't you fucking dare grow soft on me now, 'cause this bullshit truce will end real quick if you start backing out when it was your idea."
So they did… they did have a truce of some kind? Still, it seemed to be more based in making Narcissa miserable than anything else, but maybe she deserved that. Maybe if she just let them team up and get their desire for emotional payback out of their systems then things would just… they would settle, and everything would go back to normal. Perhaps even better than normal, if both Bellatrix and Cassandra began to accept the other as an inevitability in Narcissa's life, and that had to be worth whatever pain they had in store for her, didn't it? Both of them telling her to fuck off and to give them space hurt, but it wasn't horrible. Sure, Bellatrix said it would get worse, but she had also said that this was Cassandra's idea, and Narcissa knew that her girlfriend wouldn't emotionally shred her as much as her sister if Bellatrix was the one in control of whatever their little plan was.
She could handle it. She could handle this.
So Narcissa allowed them to both have their space for the week before Christmas leave. Cassandra agreed to meet Narcissa at her house an hour before the train was due to arrive though, as Narcissa was at least able to convince her that they could not just get the boys and pretend everything was alright without at least having a moment to themselves to see if it was first.
When Cassandra finally apparated into the foyer of her manor, Narcissa couldn't contain herself. It had been nearly a month since she had even been this close to her, and the blonde's eyes welled up with emotion at just how beautiful and fucking perfect she was, and how she missed her so very terribly.
Cassandra's expression crumpled once she took in the look on her girlfriend's face. "No, please don't— don't cry, Cissa, I don't deserve your tears, believe me…"
"What do you… what do you mean? I… Jesus, can I…?" Narcissa asked, coming closer to the other woman as a tear slipped down her cheek. She wanted to touch her, but she wasn't even sure if that would be welcome. Cassandra just looked at her sadly for a moment before she weakly held out her hand to her, and Narcissa didn't waste any time crossing the distance between them before she wrapped the woman up in her arms, clutching her like she had been so terribly afraid that she would never be allowed to again. The gesture seemed to break Cassandra though who dissolved into tears herself, and Narcissa cradled the back of her head protectively, wishing she could fix what she had broken.
"I'm not mad," Narcissa assured her in a broken whisper, her fingers curling in the other woman's hair as she pressed her forehead against hers. "I understand why you needed space from me, and while that hurt, it wasn't an unreasonable thing to ask for—"
Cassandra shook her head though, getting caught up in her own self-loathing. "No, it was selfish… your son, Cissa— I know it's been hard for ya an' we just… both of us, we're such fuckin' arseholes…"
"Draco is okay," Narcissa assured her, even though that was, arguably, one of the harder aspects of being alone. She couldn't keep expecting Cassandra to pick up the pieces of her though— especially if the woman needed time to work on herself. Draco was coming home soon though, and that allowed Narcissa to breathe easier, at least for the time being. She knew she would fall apart once he went back to school, but she should at least have those she loved around her this time in order to handle it. "I'm not going to pretend it wasn't hard, but I don't blame you for needing space, alright? Look at me."
Narcissa placed her hands on her girlfriend's face, using her thumbs to wipe away the other woman's tears. "I love you. You know that, right?" Cassandra nodded weakly, another tear slipping from behind her lids. "You have nothing to feel guilty about or to apologize for. You're allowed to take time for yourself— this… separation, it's given me a lot of time to think; I know I ask too much of you sometimes, and I know that's not fair. I can't keep expecting you to be the strong one; you're only human, and I know there's only so much you can take until you shatter yourself. I'm sorry. I'll try to do better."
Narcissa wanted those words to give the other woman comfort, but all it did was seem to break Cassandra further as she buried her face into her neck and sobbed, her fingers clutching at her robes. "God, I don't deserve you— I don't, I don't…"
Narcissa's heart broke at those words, wondering what on earth could ever make Cassandra think something like that. "Shh, stop," Narcissa breathed, gently untangling the other woman from her as she pushed the hair out of her eyes. Cassandra's face was all red and splotchy, her eyes bloodshot and devastated. "What did I just say? Stop feeling guilty— you're allowed your breakdown just as much as I was allowed the millions that I had that you helped me through, okay? I'm here for you, okay? Use me as a crutch this time, Cass, please. It's been killing me that I haven't been able to help you through this. You deserve love and support just as much as anyone, and I want to give that to you, okay? You are my priority right now. I love you."
"I love you too," Cassandra breathed, but it sounded more miserable than anything else and Narcissa couldn't stand it. God, she couldn't wait to be with her for an entire two weeks— at first Narcissa was dreading it because Bellatrix would be there as well and that sounded like it would be an absolute mess, but now Narcissa did not care. Cassandra needed her right now, and she was damn well going to take care of her.
Her sister could bitch about her 'priorities' all she wanted— if the positions were reversed then Narcissa would have taken care of Bellatrix over Cassandra… hell, she had taken care of Bellatrix over Cassandra when the woman had come back from prison. But now it was her girlfriend's turn to be prioritized, and Narcissa was not going to apologize for that. If she wanted to have two relationships then she needed to start treating them equally and before she was not— Bellatrix always had the majority of her focus, the majority of her attention, and that hadn't been fair to Cassandra. Even when Narcissa was hiding away with her, it was entirely centered around the fact that she couldn't be around Bellatrix right then. Literally all of Narcissa's decisions had to do with her sister first and Cassandra second, and Narcissa was done with that. Cassandra deserved better than that.
"Come here," Narcissa whispered, wrapping her hand around the other woman's neck as she brought her in for a soft kiss that Cassandra did, admittedly, continue to cry through. It was okay though, and after they broke Narcissa gently rested her forehead against her lover's, her thumbs wiping away the evidence of Cassandra's sorrow. "I'm here now, okay? Please… just try to stop crying. If our children see you like this they're going to wonder what's wrong, and this isn't something either of them need to know about. I promise you, we will be able to talk later when we have some time and some privacy. Until then… try to smile, okay? It's the holidays."
"I know," Cassandra softly acknowledged, knowing she could wallow in this feeling indefinitely, as they had their children to think about. Draco, especially, did not need anything else to worry about while he was here, and Narcissa wanted to make this a pleasant experience for him as the poor kid would no doubt need a break. "I'm sorry— I'm okay."
"No, you're not," Narcissa breathed sadly, gently tucking a strand of hair behind the other woman's ear, her eyes searching hers. "But that's okay. We're okay… aren't we?"
"I hope so," Cassandra whispered, but she didn't look too certain about that. Narcissa just gave her an encouraging smile though because she knew, she knew that they would be. At the time Narcissa believed that their love had already withstood most of the obstacles it would encounter— Bellatrix being the biggest one of all. But perhaps, in the end, Narcissa was foolish to believe that would be the end of it, because as it turned out… it really, really wasn't.
TBC…