So, this chapter will be very emotional. And I will give a warning just in case for anyone dealing with depression.

FYI, after this, I will be taking a KH break for a bit, so if I don't update for a bit that's why. If you want to keep up with my art and stuff, you can follow me on twitter and tumblr, and I'm updating original stuff on fictionpress.

So, on with the chapter.

Kingdom Hearts © to Disney and Square Enix!

Other OCs © to their respective owners!

My OCs © to me

Chapter 22: Thump

What am I?

Am a I curse?

Everything… everyone I get close to… they suffer.

Sora is dead and it's all my fault…

My parents and grandmother are gone and it's all my fault…

Both of my home worlds were destroyed, and people lost forever.

I never do anything right.

I try to help, but I just fail.

I get captured.

I'm used as a tool to hurt the ones I love.

My Keyblade is broken… like my heart.

Why did I think I could do this?

I can't rescue Sora… I'm too weak. I'm pathetic.

Maybe…

Maybe things would be better

…

…

If I'd never been born.

"Kairi!" Magia smiled warmly as he sauntered over. "How are you feeling today?"

Kairi, looking up from her cup of warm tea, bit her lip. "I'm… tired. Drained. And I want just curl up in my bed with a cup of hot chocolate and do nothing."

"Then, you won't want to come out and scout with us. Turns out the LLE is willing to meet up and talk, so we're scouting out the location for traps and ambush positions."

"No. And Cat wants me to come see her."

Yozora laid his hand on her shoulder gently. "Just get some rest today. Leave the rest to us. Get this figured out." Aegis nodded.

She watched the three boys walk away before downing the rest of her tea.

Her body felt heavy as she stood up and trudged to the medical ward. Her head swam with thoughts and doubts.

"Good morning, Kairi." Cat stood outside the medical ward, smiling gently. "Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm ok."

"Want something to drink before we go in?"

Kairi nodded. "I'd like some hot cocoa if."

"Let's get that for you then."

Kairi waited until she held the small cup of steaming liquid before they went into the counseling room. Kairi sat down, holding the cup close. "So, what are we doing today?"

"First thing, we're going to take a little quiz." She handed Kairi a piece of paper. "Read each point and rate it on a scale of 1 to five for how strong this particular feeling is. On the line beside that tell me how frequently and how long you have felt that particular feeling. And please, answer honestly."

"Alright…"

Kairi looked at the paper, her stomach dropping at the first question. She didn't want to talk about this.

But, maybe.

Maybe Cat could help her.

"Has she said anything yet?"

"Not yet. All she does is cry, and she won't say why."

Little Kairi listened from the bed Ms. Risa and Mr. Tai gave her. Apparently, they were taking her in. She'd washed up on the beach alone.

She remembered nothing.

But, somehow, she felt something. She felt like whatever happened before, happened because of her. She couldn't help but feel sad…

Kairi handed the test back to Cat.

"Thank you, Kairi. Do you know what this test is for?"

"No."

"This is a test to help me determine if you have major depression."

Depression…

"I feel like you do have some form of depression. Partially because you are in a state of grieving over Sora. Have you heard of the five stages of grief?"

"No."

"One of the stages is depression." Cat looked at the test. "Kairi… after yesterday, and everything I've seen and that you've told me in our sessions, I do believe you do have depression(2)."

The princess bit her lip.

She was depressed…? Actually, that would explain a lot.

"I'm not going to medicate you if that's what you think." Cat leaned back in her chair with a gentle smile. "We're going to work through it. And we will start with you."

"Everyone, this is our new student, Kairi. Kairi say hello."

…

"It's ok if you're a little shy. Why don't you go sit down at that empty desk. Selphie, you can be her buddy and show her around the school."

"Yes Miss Quistis(1)."

...

"I heard that new girl is the person who washed up on the beach."

"Mommy says she can't remember anything."

"I heard my daddy say her mom and dad are probably dead."

"My mommy thinks she was dumped by someone who didn't want her."

"With me?"

"I'll explain in a minute. Now, understand, what we do won't get rid of your depression outright. But, it will help you be aware of some of the symptoms of depression. And, that will help you handle it."

Kairi clenched her fists. If she was depressed, why didn't she know this before? How did she not know?

Or…

Was she only fooling herself?

"Don't forget to give you mother a big hug on Mother's Day, Sunday!"

"Except for Kairi. She doesn't have a mom!"

"That's enough Zell! Kairi is going to have a mom. Mayor Risa and Mr. Tai are adopting her on Saturday."

"But Miss Risa isn't her real mom."

"She will still be her mom. Now, be quiet."

"So, what is one of these symptoms you're talking about?"

Cat turned the page on her clipboard. "I've noticed something. You don't seem to think very highly of yourself. In and out of our sessions, you constantly talk down to yourself. Tell me honestly, what do you think of yourself?"

Kairi froze. What DID she think of herself?

"Kairi! Are you ok!?"

"She fell, Ms. Risa!"

"Tai, take her upstairs. Thank you, Sora for helping her. Can you tell me what happened?"

"She was trying to beat me and Riku in climbing up the waterfall and she fell."

"Thanks for telling me."

…

"I've told you not to try and climb that waterfall. It's dangerous. You could've done worse than break your arm."

"I-I just wanted to show Riku and Sora that I was as good as them."

"Kairi, you don't have to be as good as them in everything. And you can do some things better than them. Just because they can do something, especially something they have been told not to do, does not mean you have to do it."

"I'm not better than them at anything... I can't do anything well."

"That's not true, sweetie. You can draw, and sew, and you write beautiful poetry and stories."

"But I'm not good at that stuff either…"

"I-I… I feel useless." The words began to pour out of her mouth like the tears that began falling from her eyes. "Everyone I love suffers. My mother and father. My grandmother. Sora. The islands. I'm a curse… I try to fight. I promised to save Sora, and yet I failed. I failed and he died! Twice he's died because he saved me! My keyblade is breaking and if it breaks, I can't save him. Maybe things would be better without me…"

"So, you're Kairi. Sora has been looking for you everywhere. I'm Aerith. It's nice to meet you."

"And I'm Yuffie!"

"I-It's nice to meet you too."

How was she supposed to smile? Sure, Sora was back, and her heart was back in her own body.

But, why did she have to wake up to Riku being possessed by some man who made her frightened for some reason. And… Sora dying before her eyes.

Why?

She woke up to that.

She did bring him back, but that image would never leave her.

Sora disappearing before her eyes. Dying to save her.

She never wanted to see that again.

"Thank you for telling me. Have you felt this way for a long time?"

The girl nodded.

"Can you tell me the first time you remember feeling this way?" As she spoke, she pulled out a brightly colored toy gun and a package of little foam darts. Her eyebrow raised, waiting for an answer, as she loaded a little foam dart into the gun.

"What is that for?"

"Don't worry about that. Just tell me."

Kairi bit her lip. "I think… I started feeling that way when I was a little girl. I couldn't remember my family from before I washed up on the islands, but somehow I knew I was responsible, and their fates were my doing. And everyone kept bringing up the fact that I had no parents and was totally alone."

Thump.

A foam dart hit her leg.

Cat smiled. "Why don't you reword that last statement."

Reword it?

"And… everyone kept bringing up the fact that I had no parents and I had no one."

Thump.

"Try again."

Why? What else could she say? "I don't understand."

"Try again, but think about it. You and I both know you weren't really alone. But, you've told yourself that for so long that you tell yourself a lie. So, before you speak, I want you to think. Reword things so that you get rid of the lies you've told yourself, not just about situations, but about yourself."

The…lies?

"Who is Kairi writing to?"

"Some person she calls Sora."

"Who is that?"

"She says that he used to live here and that we just don't remember him, but she does."

"I think Kairi's losing it."

"Yeah, she disappeared for a while too, and was talking crazy for a bit. I wonder if some lasting brain damage from her washing up on the beach is making her go nuts."

"I can hear you, you know! I'm not crazy!"

"And then Sora disappeared before my eyes. This was the first time He died before my eyes. And the first time I killed him."

Thump.

"The first time he died because of me."

Thump.

"The first time he died to save me."

No dart this time.

"The first time. And you blame yourself for both instances." Cat scribbled something down, her eyes fixing on Kairi. "But, I think you should understand that neither was your fault. If anyone was to be blamed for both instances, the blame really belongs to Sora."

Excuse me!? "It wasn't Sora's fa-"

"He made the decision to sacrifice himself. Yes, he did it to save you. Yes, he did it to undo what a horrible person has done. And the blame could be split between Sora and that man… Xehanort. But the person who is not at fault at all is you. Sora made the choice. Did you ever tell him how you felt about what happened?"

"No. But it wouldn't have stopped him from doing it again." Kairi clenched her fists.

Cat reached over and took the girl's hand. "I know this is hard. The thing is, you have told yourself so many lies. And it is not helping, actually, it is making things worse. You don't believe you can find Sora, do you?"

Kairi shook her head.

"But you want to try anyway."

"Yes."

"He means everything to you, so you push on. Do you think he believes in you?"

Kairi averted her eyes. "Yes. He always has."

"What about your other friends?"

"Well your track record on missions hasn't been the best."

"Riku made a comment before I left. He said it… because he was scared something would happen to me. But it hurt. He basically said that I have a record of getting kidnapped a lot. And… I do."

Cat smiled softly. "Well, you haven't been kidnapped once yet. So, that's a good record, right?"

"Maybe. I try and fight back, but I'm just too weak t-"

Thump.

And, back with the darts.

"I try and fight back, but… I didn't have the skills to fight back the first time, and the second time I was wiped out from fighting(3)." The girl wrapped her arms around herself. "I felt so helpless both times. And someone else had to rescue me. I wanted to be strong, and so I promised Sora I would keep him safe."

"And did you?"

"No… well, kinda. I did help him once. He survived and said I'd kept him from fading away, but I didn't really do anything; I just believed in him. I didn't make that much of a dif-"

Thump.

Another dart rolled across the floor. And Kairi watched Cat load another dart into the toy gun.

"As you were saying, Kairi?"

"Well…"

This was going to be a long day…

"Are you sure… Kairi?"

"There has to be something in my heart that could lead to Sora. I want to do it."

"Alright. Lay down. We'll run some quick tests before we put you to sleep. How long do you want to sleep for."

…

"For as long as it takes. I can't do anything else for Sora… I will do it. Don't wake me up until we have something."

"Alright, Kairi."

Riku lay on the grass, staring up at the warm orange sky. He worried about Kairi. After what he saw and had to tell her; how much pain would he bring to his friend?

After what he did to Kairi and Sora; he hurt his friends so much. He found them again, but then looking like Ansem. And now he told Kairi something that just… shattered her.

"What are you thinking?"

He sat up as Naminé and Terra walked over toward him. "Nothing."

"Well, I think I know that look. It's the one I get when I'm beating myself up. You know, the face I had yesterday and most of this morning."

Riku breathed out a laugh. "True."

Naminé smiled. "Why don't we grab Aqua and go to Dulcie's? I think it would be nice to get away from the mansion for a bit. And it might help you two calm down and relax."

"I guess."

"I'll go get her." The girl ran off, leaving the two young men alone.

Terra sighed. "We are a lot alike, and some of those similarities aren't that good."

"You mean we both tend to beat ourselves up too much."

"Basically." Terra sat down. "And I have to watch over Aqua and Ven. Though, not sure if I'm really a master and deserve that position."

Riku raised an eyebrow. "You don't know?"

"I was named a master by Master Xehanort(4), but does that count?"

"I mean, the old man was horrible, but he was a Keyblade master. So, if he named you a master, it should count. Right?"

"Yes, it does." Aqua smiled as she stepped outside with Naminé. "He was a Keyblade master and so are you. Now, stop stressing. Let's go." She glanced between the two. "I know we're all worried about Kairi, but there is nothing we can do. It is out of our hands. And if we focus on something we can't do anything about, it will do nothing but make you feel bad and stress you out."

Riku sighed heavily. She was right.

He'd probably still be stressing about Kairi and Sora until they were back home.

But, he could do nothing about it right now.

"Cat, are you sure this will work?

"Kairi, this isn't going to make everything perfect overnight. What this is going to do is help you gain some control over how you feel. It will not get rid of everything, but sometimes, all you can do is focus on what is in front of you. When you are stressed and feel completely overwhelmed ignore what is in the far future. Just look at right is in front of you and do the next right thing(5)." She reached over, grabbing Kairi's hand. "And, for what it's worth, I think you are a very strong and brave girl."

"Y-you do?"

"Of course. Think about all you've told me. You've been hurt, kidnapped, killed. You endured life-changing trauma at a young age that gave you amnesia. You have endured so much, and you have doubted yourself so much… and still you left everything behind and came here. I don't know how far you've traveled, since you won't tell me, but you still came here to find the boy you loved. And you have fought every step of the way despite the way you feel."

The girl blushed at the compliment. "Well, some people might call that stu-"

Thump.

"You're brave. And I've only met one girl as brave as you before. Sadly, I can't remember her name."

The maiden.

The girl with brown hair that no one can remember.

"You really think I'm as brave as her?"

"I do." Cat handed her a small notebook. "So, tonight, I want you to relax. But, this is your homework. Now that you know," she gestured down at the foam darts around Kairi's feet, "how much negativity you tell yourself, I want you to try and catch yourself when you are thinking those thoughts. Every time you do, make a tally mark. Separate it by day, and you will see how many more times you catch yourself. I want you to come see me in three days."

Kairi smiled softly. "I will."

"And I need you to make me a promise. If things get really bad you will come to me. Promise me!"

"O-ok…"

Cat moved closer, hugging Kairi. "It's going to be alright. You're not alone."

Kairi closed her eyes, imagining herself in the arms of her mother. "Th-thank you, Cat. Thank you."

"Yozora, we need to get you to a doctor!"

"N-no… I'm fine."

"You're not! Now, unless you want to die, get out of here!"

"I-I'm f-fine…"

"Yozora! Yozora!"

I hope you enjoyed the chapter! See you guys after my break!

Footnotes:

(1) This is Quistis Trepe from FF8.

(2) Someone made a post on tumblr detailing that they thought Kairi had depression and why. After reading it, I had to agree.

(3) As shown in Re:Mind, Sora and Kairi were magically restrained by Xemnas in a way that was painful and seemed to wipe them both out.

(4) In BBS, Master Xehanort made a point to call Terra "Master Terra" and basically named him master.

(5) Yes, this is from Frozen 2, and honestly, I think it's an amazing quote.