Some more angst, self-loathing Ed and Concerned! Papa Roy, because I'm a self-indulgent fool and love writing it. Ed's hard exterior wall starts to crack a little in this chapter- let's see if you can point out where!
He laid on the couch for fifteen minutes, just feeling his head pound and hating his life.
His tongue probed its way to his lower gum where he'd had his plug of chewing tobacco not even a half hour ago- the spot felt sore and raw, like it'd been burned. But one thing he hadn't managed to account for was the fact that, even though he'd swallowed most of the tobacco, some of it was still hiding in the fold where his gum met his cheek.
It was on his tongue and his body was reacting- he jerked upwards into a sitting position, swinging his legs over the side of the couch and gagging, shoulders heaving.
Mustang looked up from his paperwork, eyes softening with concern, but Ed didn't have time to do more than glance at him, zeroing in on the wastebasket that'd been left beside his couch and tucking it between his legs, leaning over it and retching dryly- he could feel his stomach clenching, but there was nothing left to bring up. Still, he was salivating a lot, and a string of drool trickled out of his mouth.
"Take it easy, Fullmetal."
Fuck, Mustang had gotten up?
Roy sat down next to him on the couch, placing a hand on his back in what was probably meant to be a soothing gesture.
Ed tried to pull away, but his shoulders jerked upward as another involuntary heave tore through him- he made a painful sound, and only managed to spit a small mouthful of bile into the wastebasket at his feet.
His eyes were stinging with unshed tears, he felt so fucking disgusting, and he swallowed it down, tried to swallow down all his hate and anger at himself and his own stupidity...
He hiccuped, which turned into another wet retch, and was rewarded by a more generous splash of bile in the wastebasket at his feet. He sucked in air greedily, retching again and only managing another small mouthful.
He gagged one last time, body convulsive with the involuntariness of it all, before he was left bent over, elbows resting on his knees, trying to catch his breath. He was a shaking, sweaty mess again.
"Fullmetal- are you alright?"
It was Mustang's voice that seemed to help him bring himself back into his miserable body in this moment.
He surprised himself, letting out a low groan and turning away from the man, laying down on the other side of the couch.
"That's not an answer, Fullmetal." Roy said, a hint of frustration in his voice. Ed was too tired to fight him off as a hand was laid on his forehead again, and for a brief moment before he squeezed his eyes shut he saw his commanding officer frowning down at him.
"You don't have a fever. I need you to talk to me, Fullmetal. What hurts?"
"My stomach." he muttered hoarsely. His mismatched arms were wrapped protectively around his midsection protectively.
"Anything else?" Roy prodded.
Ed tried to lapse back into silence, but his superior wouldn't allow it. "Answer me, or I'm calling a doctor." the man threatened.
"I'm fine, really!" Ed was drowning in self hatred. He was the one who'd let his squadron die. He was the one stupid enough to smoke cigarettes. He was the one stupid enough to try, and accidentally swallow, chewing tobacco. It was his own damn fault he was this sick and miserable. He didn't deserve any help, and kindness. He was the most wretched creature to ever walk this earth.
And the worse part of all was- he couldn't even tell Mustang the truth of why he felt like such utter shit right now, or else the man would call him and idiot and shout at him for trying to go behind his back and using tobacco when he'd been forbidden from smoking. As much as he hated himself, he didn't think he could stand to be alone in his mind at the moment, so he selfishly held onto the secret.
His stomach lurched uncomfortably, and he bit back a moan, folding in so he was nearly doubled over and burying his face in the back of the couch.
Roy sighed, getting to his feet.
He went to the bathroom and emptied the wastebasket, rinsing it out in the sink and ducking back into the room.
He had half a mind to make the kid drink a glass of water and take something from the first aid kit, but Ed was already curled up and appeared to be asleep by the time he was replacing the wastebasket.
Roy sighed, running a hand through his hair. He was trying not to let his concern get the best of him here, but really, this was getting out of hand. And now, here they were, Ed sick and exhausted, asleep on his couch, and Roy, still wanting to help but unable.
Ed was curled into a small ball, and Roy shrugged off his blue military coat, draping it over the sleeping form. It wasn't even noon yet- the kid had to be exhausted if he was sleeping.
To his surprise, Ed actually shifted slightly in his sleep, muttering something, before burrowing deeper beneath his superior's blue coat.
Roy allowed himself to smile at the kid's antics for a brief moment, before he was taking in the scene before him sadly. Honestly- why did the boy have to act so tough all the time? Why couldn't he let someone in, let them help him? He so clearly wasn't capable of handling this on his own, and Roy's heart broke for him slightly.
But he had work to do, and he sighed, heading back over to his desk and trying to ignore the kid curled up on his couch.
"Edward, wake up."
A soft voice brought him back to the land of the living.
Ed blinked to find Lieutenant Hawkeye crouching beside the couch, a glass of something in her hands.
"How are you doing?"
"'M alright..."
"Good. Sit up, please- you need to drink some water, or you'll get dehydrated."
Ed did as he was told, blinking lazily and swinging his legs over the side of the couch. He took a few sips of the glass of water she'd given him, before he was setting it on the end table and burrowing back underneath the warm blue blanket someone had draped on top of him.
It felt... wrong... to wake up so easily, not to a pounding heart and frantic mind. He lazily glanced over to see Riza approach Roy's desk- they were both shooting glances at him and speaking, about him, he was sure, but he was too tired to entertain it all, and a moment later he was back asleep.
Roy was impressed Hawkeye had restrained herself from checking on Ed for two whole hours. When she did come in, though, she did it with tact- gently rousing the sleeping boy and pressing a hand to his forehead with a gentle touch, coaxing him to drink water- before the kid was out like a light again, curling up beneath Roy's military coat.
"He seems better." The Lieutenant said quietly, shooting a glance at Roy.
"Exhausted is more like it."
"He hasn't gotten sick again, though?"
"Not since the second episode earlier, no." Roy confirmed. "He just lays there quietly and rests. That's concerning enough, for Fullmetal." he shot the kid another glance- Ed looked to have dropped back off again and was dead to the world.
"He doesn't have a fever, though. He seems much more relaxed. You still look worried, Sir."
"It's not just about him being sick and sleeping on my couch. It's about everything, Lieutenant- he hasn't been the same since the Cretan incident. He jumps at the slightest noise- he was smoking, not too long ago- he's not himself. You and I both know it. I try to be involved in his life, to make sure he isn't smoking and talk to him- but he just resents me and pushes me away. I don't know how to help him." Roy admitted.
"You're doing all the right things, Sir." Riza tried to reassure him.
"Am I, though? He's hardly made any progress- he's still a miserable wreck, still jumping at shadows and walking on eggshells- hell, he pinned his mechanic to the wall the other day when she tried to hit him with a wrench and hid under his desk for fifteen minutes yesterday. We can all see he's not doing well, he's exhausted and sick, but he won't let any of us in to help him..." Roy sighed, frustrated. "I just wish he realized he doesn't have to carry these burdens alone.".
"Perhaps Ed hasn't come to terms with it himself yet." Riza said thoughtfully. "It's an awful lot for a boy to go through, Sir. Keep doing your best- showing him that you're there for him, that you care for him and support him no matter what- and when he's ready, he will come to you."
"How can you be so sure?" Roy asked her. He was a bit surprised by his Lieutenant's unshakable faith.
Riza gave him a soft smile. "Because- Edward has always looked up to you. You've kept his secret, done your best for him and Alphonse- he trusts you, and respects you- more than you realize. He just needs a little time."
"For both our sakes, I hope you're right." Roy admitted, glancing at the seeping form huddled under his coat.
"I usually am." Riza reassured him, giving him a smile. "I'll drive Edward back to the dorms tonight."
"What would I do without you, Lieutenant?"
"Perish, I'm sure." Riza said with a sarcastic smile, producing a stack of paperwork from thin air and setting it heavily on his desk. "These need to be done tonight, by the way."
Five o' clock found Ed being gently roused by someone saying his name.
"Edward. Ed. It's time to go home."
"W-what?"
His burring vision cleared, revealing Lieutenant Hawkeye crouching before the couch. He was covered in a blue coat- Mustang's coat- and for some reason, he wasn't even embarrassed by the fact. In fact, he was loathe to let go of the garment, like it carried some sort of magical power to stave away the nightmares that usually haunted his sleeping hours.
"Would you like a ride back to the dorms?"
"Um... that would be great, actually. Thanks." He stood, the large blue coat still held tightly to his chest. It smelled like bourbon, smoke, and old alchemy books- a smell he'd unconsciously grown to associate with Mustang, and safety- and he nearly walked out of the office still holding it before he caught himself, hanging it on the coat rack on his way out.
His mind was a lot sharper after spending half the day sleeping- he hadn't realized how exhausted he was until he'd slept. And with rest came clarity- he was able to reflect on his stupid moves earlier- mainly, trying chewing tobacco fro the first time at work- and reflect on his future plans.
"Are you feeling better? You have more color in your face." Hawkweye remarked as they drove.
Ed nodded, doing his best to be polite. "Yes- I feel a lot better, actually." it wasn't even a lie this time.
She dropped him off, making him promise to call either her or Roy if he needed anything.
He waited until he was sure she was gone before he started walking, heading out for the Xingese apothecary with his hands in his pockets.
The small bell rung when he opened the doors, and the Xingese girl looked up, smiling, when she saw him. "Did you enjoy the chew?"
"Uh, no. I threw up everywhere. Wouldn't recommend." he tossed his watch onto the counter. "I'll take a pack of cigarettes and two boxes of nicotine patches."
Did you see it? See where Ed's tough guy, I can do this on my own, started to slip a little bit? Give me your best guess in reviews- it was in several parts, but not entirely obvious. Give me your best guess of where you saw Ed start to 'soften' in the reviews and I'll give you the answer I was looking for in the next pre-chapter note!
Ed's starting to soften and open up a little bit, but he's not sure if he wants to stop trying to handle everything by himself just yet.