Chapter 23

Tilting her head back against the trunk of the tree she leaned against, Mara almost felt at peace. The warm sun filtered through the branches. The wind was scented with the smell of flowers again. There didn't seem to be such a thing as a bad weather day in Seireitei; at least not that she had seen yet. It was always beautiful and pleasant. Disturbingly so.

It didn't seem right that she could be in this gentle, beautiful place and not be at peace but… here she was. Couldn't she get some rain to highlight the loneliness and sadness she felt? Would there never be clashing thunder to echo her anger? No. This place seemed to just promise tranquility while actually delivering none. You had to suffer through the terrors in your heart with no reprieve from the smiling sunshine.

Closing her eyes, Mara knew she had had this feeling before. Of course, she didn't know how she knew this emptiness but the feeling wrapped around her like a worn blanket. You may not want to use it but it is what you know and is always there. She didn't seem to know anything except isolation, even though she had been increasingly surrounded by people. It made her mind reel that a feeling could be so foreign but so damn familiar. Had she spent much time like this before in her old life? Is that why staying in the room was so easy and being out was so hard? Still, loneliness meant she needed another someone, otherwise it was simply being alone… and from the scant few pieces she had it seemed like she had had someone. At least at the end.

A chill swept through her at the dark thought of the memory that had seared in her brain. She had to remember that she was loved… and that there was a wicked looking toothed sword coming at her head.

Ah, there is a god, she thought to herself as a dark shadow fell across her closed eyelids, obscuring the sun's gentle warmth. But as Mara cracked one dark eye open to see if her wish for rain was granted, she was greeted instead with the sight of Hisagi looming over her.

"Are you okay?" He asked simply, his eyes guarded and face locked in a mask that was equal parts stern and worried.

That was in interesting question. Was she okay? Physically, yeah sure she was. In her mind, not so much. So much had happened in so short a time.

Mara looked up at the tall man in front of her studying him. He seemed to blush under her scrutiny, but he didn't waver under the piercing gaze. She couldn't help but admire the handsome cut of him and how the tattoos and scars on his face only seemed to accent his high cheekbones and heavy gaze, but that wasn't all she saw when she looked at him with fresh eyes.

There were bags under his eyes, reflecting the gray that she had found could be soft as clouds or hard as flint. His lush lips had a tension around them that even the small grin he tried to give her didn't erase. Hisagi looked tired and oddly wary of her. It reflected in his actions.

It had only been a week since she had agreed that marrying him was the best course forward. A week of being introduced to the squad and beginning to eat with them and trying to meet others. It had been a week of whispers about this being 'unheard of' and 'was she good enough for the captain' and 'who was she anyways'. Hisagi had quelled them all with a single, hard look when he was around… but that seemed to be less each day. It almost seemed he was avoiding her.

His warm smiles had been replaced by tense grins that barely bent the corners of his mouth. There were no jokes or quips. He didn't ruffle her hair. Hell, he didn't touch her at all. It was like he was waiting for her to blow up and getting further and further from the blast radius. He didn't seem to understand that she knew only a grand total of 3 people in this world and 2 had disappeared. Kira was locked away somewhere new to study and Grimmjow… If it seemed like Hisagi had been trying to avoid her then Grimmjow was succeeding at it.

She hadn't entered a room without him leaving the same minute ever since that day the memories hit and she had kissed him and loved it. Since she had woken up in his arms and he had held her like he was cherishing the very existence of her. He had stayed long enough to explain the threats to her in a wretched growl before stalking out of the room. Not that she had had enough time or will-power to sort through if she felt this connection to Grimmjow because he actually made her feel that way or because of the memories attached to him in that moment.

Not that she could talk it out with the invisible espada. He probably didn't do "feelings" talks anyway. She definitely couldn't talk it out with her new fiancé. She couldn't even draw on her own knowledge or experience of how to handle this or what to think because she didn't fucking know what she knew. So no, Mara was distinctly not okay.

"Not really, Shuuhei. No," she sighed out, tired of fighting for composure and correctness. She absentmindedly rubbed the small tattoo on the inside of her left wrist. It was the one symbol left on her body that she still could not make sense of.

"I didn't think so," he said as he shrugged off his haori and tossed it against the tree, before following it down and sitting down next to her. Mara raised her eyebrows in question at him and he mirrored the look back at her before turning his eyes to gaze at some invisible point in the distance. "You know that's the first time you've called me by my name since you agreed to marry me?" he asked lowly.

"What? No it…" Mara trailed off as she thought. Had she really become so formal with him, too? Was she why that frown had begun to more deeply crease his brow? Was he as worried about her attentions as she was about his? "Surely I have, at least some… I mean- I've been calling you Captain in front of your squad. I thought that was better I guess, because that's what you are to them."

"Yes," Hisagi said slowly, "but am I your captain?" He looked at her from the corner of her eyes to see the confusion on her face deepen as she faltered under his gaze

"No… Yes? I don't know, honestly," Mara barely whispered back, "I don't know how I'm supposed to act with all this, Shuu. You are most definitely a captain and my captain for all intents and purposes. You feed me, clothe me- I live in your barracks surrounded by your men and I feel like I'm so out of place and don't know how to treat you except for how they do."

Hisagi had turned his head to face her now, expression serene though the grey in his eyes was a tempest of unreadable emotions. He simply looked at her in silence, not interrupting her train of thought rambling as she got out what was in her head. This small act of patience and kindness reminded her of how he was the first week, and Mara gathered her courage in the weight of his gaze.

"But no, you are most definitely not my captain. Because your squad shouldn't be wondering if they are pleasing you 24/7 just in the hopes of a smile. And your squad members shouldn't be missing the fact that they don't get to spend one-on-one time with you where you joke and you ruffle my hair or- or hold my hand. And I'm so worried that you will think that bringing me in was a huge mistake and that you will stay away from me all the time. What if you realize that this sucks for you? Then you'll withdraw and it'll suck for me, too, and it'll be all my fault!"

"Mara," Hisagi tried to cut in gently, but she was off on her tangent now.

"Plus," she continued, barely pausing for breath, "you just keep withdrawing! It's like you get further and further away every day and I don't know how to react. Or if I am the cause of it. It's so lonely and I'm so scared and I have no one to turn to here. I don't know what to think about this or you or… anyone else here for that matter. And what if… what if you don't want me?"

"Mara," Hisagi said more forcefully.

She turned tortured eyes to him, tears at the rims blurring the amber flecks and making his heart hurt. "I've been loved," she said haltingly. She had told the guys at the time about her memory, leaving out a few choice parts, but she had delivered the vision clinically. She hadn't had the ability at the time to even investigate her feelings on it, let alone phrase them, so she tried now. "I know I was loved, I saw it, but… but then it looked like he- the sword…," Mara trailed off as she breathed deeply, "I don't know, Shuuhei. I should know love, but I don't. I know, vaguely, that marriage should be for love but how do we do this when we were thrust into it? You as much as me… If someone who said they loved me could do what ever that was then how… how do I trust without being so damn afraid of everything?"

Mara finally locked desperate eyes on Hisagi. "Koibito," he said softly, raising his hand to brush a stray sapphire lock behind her ear. He couldn't help but frown at her minor flinch at the action and he wondered if maybe it was better if she didn't remember more of her past life if this was how she would react. He altered his grip to brush the backs of his fingers across her cheeks and was rewarded with her eyes fluttering closed at the gentle touch.

"You know what Koibito means?" He asked her, moving his hand to weave his fingers in her hair.

"No," she whispered.

"Sweetheart," he replied, moving his thumb in gentle strokes against her jaw. "Precious to me. Because I am not your captain, Mara. I don't want to be. I wanted to give you a chance to choose your path, but I wound up making you feel like this. I've been afraid you would hate me, that you would regret your decision, that all this still wouldn't keep you safe. I've been trying to find a way to get you out of this…"

"See," she muttered, stiffening against his hand and beginning to pull away, but Hisagi cut her off, using his grip on her to turn her back to look at him.

"No, no 'see'," he said with a mock sarcasm that caught her off guard, "I was looking for a way for you to make sure you can do what YOU want. You looked more miserable every day and I feared it was because of me, because you regret this already. I, however, am perfectly happy with our arrangement."

Mara scrutinized Hisagi's open expression, confusion furrowing her brow. "Why?"

Instead of answering, Hisagi's eyes followed his fingers as the left her jaw to curl a stray strand of hair over his fingers. "Fear is not always a weakness, Koibito. Sometimes it locks us away and paralyzes us apart from each other," he said as he trailed his fingers down her arm. He wondered if her skin was as silken as the kimono-style robe she had taken to wearing. This week had proven to him that life was better when he had her to distract him, to smile with, to comfort just with her presence.

"Fear can also drive us, sometimes to desperation," he continued, meeting her dark eyes with an intense gaze of his own. "Fear can drive us to find ways out of predicaments that we would never have thought we would be in." He trailed his fingers back up her arm, grazing skin as her sleeve rolled up in front of his touch. His eyes never left hers, relishing her reaction to him as her lashes fluttered and goosebumps broke out on her skin.

Hisagi took a deep breath, trying to quell his own fear of rejection; his fear of losing her because he hadn't fought for her, fear of her growing to hate him instead of love him was greater. I must make her understand. I may just need her. I feel like I've been drowning in that distant gaze without her smile to lift me out.

"And sometimes, fear makes us do things completely out of character to attain what we need," he breathed out, scooping Mara up under her arms and setting her to sit facing him on his lap before she could react.

Mara gasped as Hisagi wound a strong arm around her waist. Moving his other hand up to cup her cheek again, he brought her flush against him and kissed her. His grip was strong and commanding, but his kiss was tentative. Soft lips teased her own for just a moment, before he pulled back to meet Mara's now very wide-eyed gaze.

"Shuuhei…"

Hisagi cut her off, still not releasing his grip on her. "Mara, I can't say that it was love at first sight, like I said to protect you. I just said what I needed to get you out of there. I can't say that I love you now…"

Mara just watched him, waiting for him to finish and trying desperately not to be distracted by how right his body felt against hers. Her hands roamed slowly over his hard chest, tracing the ridges of muscle there.

Hisagi's breath caught in his throat. "But I can tell you," he continued, "that I have been intrigued by you since the first day we talked. You are beautiful and brilliant and… I like you. And It could so easily grow into love that it is terrifying."

Mara slowly brought her hand up to trace the edge of his shihakusho over his collar bone and she felt him shudder beneath her. She grazed her fingers up the side of his neck, deftly passing over his explosive choker to run a single finger over his strong jaw. "Then why did you stay so far away?" she whispered.

"I didn't think you wanted me," Hisagi confessed, lips trembling with the effort it took to stay still under her cautious exploration. "I went from Shuuhei to Captain. Your smile disappeared… I was trying to find you a way out because I thought you wanted one. All I want though, is for you to want me. I know we could make it, Koi."

Mara's exploring fingers traced the tattoo across the bridge of his nose, leading her hand back to twine her fingers in his hair. Her nails gentle scratch caused a low rumble of a moan in his chest that he couldn't hold back.

Please, Mara… Koibito. Give me a chance. He could feel himself begging her with his eyes as his grip tightened involuntarily.

"Then what do I do from here, Shuu?" She asked, just a hairsbreadth away.

"Whatever you want," he replied just as gently, "I will make sure you have whatever you want, Koi."

Finally, Hisagi thought as Mara pressed her soft lips against his own.

Mara wasn't sure of herself as she leaned into Hisagi and kissed him softly, almost chastely. Hisagi didn't push her, allowing her to control the pace. His iron grip around her, however careful, betrayed how much he wanted more as he kept her pressed hard against him, but he let her find her pace. Mara slowly began to open up against his mouth, sliding her tongue against his lower lip before nibbling it. She wound her arms around his neck and slid against him as she deepened the kiss.

Rain. He tastes like the rain, she realized with joy. All morning she had longed for a rainy respite from her day and here it was, locked inside the man that she had been too scared to reach out to. Now- god she wanted more of him right the fuck now.

Pulling back, Mara could help the beaming smile that curled across her face. "You. I want you. I- I think we can make this work."

Hisagi's eyes were dark as he watched that life-giving smile. She would break him. He was sure of it. But if she wanted him then he sure as hell wasn't going to deny her. In a move too quick for most eyes to follow, he had lifted up Mara and himself enough to throw out his haori like a blanket. He spun them to lay Mara on her back, perching on his elbow over her.

Immediately, Mara was pulling him down to her by his lapel, her legs lifting to wrap around his waist. She couldn't get enough of him. She wanted to breathe in the rain of him, to calm the fires that raged in her heart and mind. She could feel how he kissed her with barely restrained fervor. His free hand cupped her face so gently, like he cherished her, but the pressure of his hips on hers stoked a fire of a whole different sort. Mara could feel the warmth between her legs spread and send streams of lust racing through her veins.

Mara couldn't fight her own small moan at the feel of him grinding against her, and Hisagi reacted even more forcefully, his hand sliding to her hip and holding her down. His thumb dug into the sensitive hollow there, pausing her squirming and causing her to gasp against his mouth. He lowered his lips to trace her jaw with kisses before nibbling her ear lobe.

"I am not having you out in this field, Koibito," he whispered into her ear, breath tickling the sensitive flesh and causing her to gasp again, "but those sexy noises you make and the feel of you against me is making it so fucking hard to hold back."

Mara couldn't think straight. His deep growl said no but his hand roaming back up her side and exploring her curves said otherwise. "Please," she whimpered wantonly.

Growling deeply, Hisagi kissed her deeply again. He explored her mouth with tongue, relishing the sweet taste of her as much as she did his own. He moved a hand to cup her breast, feeling her nipple harden under the play of his fingers.

"Shuu… otto…" Mara groaned out at the feel of him teasing her body.

Hisagi pulled away gasping for breath. His eyes widened as he looked at Mara's now serene face. "Otto… husband?"

Finally releasing her tight grip on him, Mara ran gentle, shaking fingers over his cheek. Tracing the scars there, she realized that she liked this face. She could love this face. She could love this man. He was an enigma that was opening only to her. He was a dichotomy of soft touches and hard planes, gentle looks around an iron will… she could be happy with him. "Otto," she confirmed, not breaking eye contact, "because you will be, right?"

Hisagi's warm smile finally broke through. It shone so bright beneath his thundercloud eyes that Mara was tempted to look for a rainbow breaking out around them. In a flash, he had wrapped Mara in the haori she had been laying on and hefted her into his arms, bridal style. Mara's musical laugh rang out across the open field as he twirled her in a circle.

"Yes, Koi," he answered, starting to walk back toward the barracks and offices on the 9th. "I will be. But I am not starting our marriage bed in a field," Hisagi continued as he carried her around, earning strange looks from the members of his squad they passed, "Plus, I have to go to the academy soon for a student overview."

Mara couldn't help the feeling of loneliness that tried to creep back in even as she was still in his arms. At his keen look, Mara knew her fear was showing on her face and she tried to cover it up with a playful pout. Hisagi didn't buy it for a second and swung Mara onto her feet to face him outside his office. She stood looking up at him and couldn't help but notice that they were drawing a small crowd; one that was doing its best to look like it wasn't watching.

Hisagi didn't care about the crowd, except that they learn to accept this woman in front of him. He couldn't help but smile at how she looked right now. Her hair was tousled and cheeks flushed. She had pulled his large haori around herself and it dwarfed her small frame, dragging the ground slightly like the train of a wedding gown.

Pulling her to him, Hisagi bent to kiss her gently again, and smiled against her lips as he felt her raise on tip-toe to meet him. "Don't pout," he said firmly, "get dressed. I want you go with me."

"But…" Mara said, unsure of what would be waiting outside those gates, "what if-"

Cutting her off with another swift kiss, Hisagi explained, "Nope. The only what if is that you may want training someday if your rietsu evens out and this is a chance to see if you would want to go to the academy to do it. I just have to meet with the captains to cast lots for the new semesters picks and observe the advanced students for the draft. We can walk and tour and anything you want while we are there.

As Mara slowly nodded, excitement began to stir inside her. She was going somewhere with Hisagi, somewhere out. He wanted to be out with her.

"Plus," Hisagi added, wanting to see her smile grow more, "We can grab some food and go shopping for you. You have to be tired of clothes you didn't pick out yourself."

Mara couldn't help the laugh that bubbled up as she nodded. She gave Hisagi a last hug before bounding off to her quarters, still wearing his haori around her. Hisagi smiled and shook his head at the sight. He didn't think he could tire of that sight if he tried.

For now, though, he had to find his Combat Instructor who had also had very scant appearances this week. He wanted his opinion on the student review, but he also wanted his protection as they took the little bird out of her cage for the first time.