TWENTY-TWO

THE PAST

LEAH

After another mediocre day at work, Jacob comes to pick me up in Becca's jeep, which means she's already home for the afternoon.

"Hey Mama, you good?" he asks with a sexy grin as I slide into the passenger seat. I can't help but check him out, glad to see him in a better mood than he's been in for the last few days. His eyes are covered with dark sunglasses and his hair is windblown, and the muscles of his chest and arms bulge beneath his tight black t-shirt. He's totally fuckable and probably making women all over town go crazy.

"You been driving around like that all day?" I ask, suddenly feeling heated and territorial.

"Yeah, I fixed the Jeep, so I had to drive it around and make sure everything's good. Why?"

"You're too sexy Jake, buy bigger clothes."

Jacob snorts. "Is this some hormone thing? I always dress like this."

"No, it's an 'I don't like you looking like you're available' thing. Stop laughing!" I growl as I punch his arm.

"So violent, woman! Leave that for the bedroom, will ya?" he teases, totally unbothered by my demands.

Damn sexy Alpha. For once he looks so carefree and happy and I'm actually relieved. I know he's making light of the stress he feels about everything going on back in La Push, so any type of good mood is welcome.

Jacob takes me to another shopping plaza a few blocks away where we find the bookstore Becca recommended for us to check out for a couple pregnancy books. I also stop at the pharmacy for my vitamins. She had suggested over the weekend that we come to the clinic when she's on call, so that she could be responsible for my chart.

Our appointment yesterday confirmed that our miracle baby is doing well. The ultrasound showed no issues and the heartbeat was strong, and my oral tests were good. The bloodwork however, we're not sure how we're going to fake that. There's no way we can send it to the lab. Times like this I actually wish we had Carlisle Cullen to help us out. I mean we always do, but I'd rather not unless it is an emergency.

After our errands, I get a hankering for ice-cream and we take our scoops to a nearby park, and enjoy the final hours of sunshine, people-watching. A few couples are walking their dogs, while a mom group pushes strollers as they power-walk. It's quite comical to watch for some reason, and Jacob teases that I should sign up next year. No thank you.

After we're finished eating, Jacob clears his throat and sits back on the bench, stretching his abnormally long legs, and I know that means he's got something on his mind. Things between us have been a little strained since our talk about going back home and the pack. I really don't want to discuss anything else, because I still haven't made up my mind about going back sooner than I need to. But if he needs to talk it makes no sense forcing him to bottle up his feelings. It's not beneficial to the wolf which has to be cooped up here in Haleiwa because of me.

"Out with it Black," I command him, turning to watch him over my shoulder.

Jacob shrugs and then sits up again, clasping his palms at his knees. "I don't really know if you'll want to talk about it, babe. I know things have been a bit off between us . But I just…I think we should just get it all out."

I shrug my shoulders, feeling the nerves creep up on me. "I agree, so just tell me."

He sighs and looks over at me, his eyes still hidden behind the dark glasses. "That day you left La Push…I just don't understand why."

Oh. Right. Fuck. That. I wasn't expecting this particular topic.

I don't really know how much to tell him. Even I can admit that I was a mess: hurt, angry and confused, scared to leave and scared to stay. How do I put into words all the self-loathing that I inflicted because I never believed I was his? How do I admit to him, the man who left his imprintee for me, that a part of me believed that what we had was lust and not love?

"I…" I start but I find myself unable to form the words.

"You said you would wait for me to talk to Bella and Edward, but you just disappeared. I searched everywhere for you, I was going out of my mind with worry until you called your mother. Only to hear you say you're leaving. It fucking killed me Lee, and you just…you didn't even seem to care. I knew you felt something for me, I knew it. So why didn't you want to fight for us?"

"I…I knew about Nessie," I say, releasing a breath of air I hadn't realized was trapped in my chest.

"What did you know and how?"

"Rosalie."

"What do you mean Rosalie?! What the fuck did she say to you!" His anger rolls off of him in waves, warming my skin and I shrink back. Jacob shakes his head. "I'm sorry. Fuck. I'm sorry Leah." He pulls me against his side and kisses my head.

"It's okay, but we're in public so you need to chill," I warn him.

"You know that she lied to you, right? You KNOW that," Jacob pulls away so that we can see each other better.

I give a reflexive half-nod, and turn my head towards the park as memories of that day come back to me. It's true, that she had lied to my face and then handed me a fucking bag of money so that I'd run and never look back. She'd made the biggest fool out of me (and maybe I should rip her apart for it). But at the time, it really had felt like the truth. Maybe I had just accepted my worst fear rather than interrogate Rosalie properly for details. That day Jacob went to see the Cullens, I sat in that café expecting the worse to happen, just so that I wouldn't fall apart when he told me he couldn't come back. I had already started giving up on being Jacob's future, so when Rosalie appeared and confirmed it, I just let her tell me what I thought I'd deserved to hear.

Thinking about that day makes me uncomfortable and I realize that I'd rather not share my thoughts with my mate. It's not that I want to lie to him, but before I had found out about the baby, I was determined to never see him again. And I had been convinced that that was the best thing for both of us. I could have stayed gone, and left him with an imprint he still didn't want, and who didn't want him.

"Leah? You gotta give me something, please?"

I sigh and meet Jacob's worried gaze again. "She told me that Nessie missed you, that she was unhappy, and just didn't want to say anything. I believed her at the time because I know how imprints work. You can only avoid them for so long."

"She told me the same shit too that day. But I realized in Paris that when Blondie said those things, Nessie was already dating Luc. So Nessie wasn't even thinking about me. It was a fucking lie to break us up."

"Why would she do that, then?" I ask. The sense of betrayal that Jacob feels, finally catches up with me, when I put all my own personal shit aside, and focus on the blonde vampire's motive. I growl, clenching my fists. She had some fucking nerve!

"Blondie is worried about the Volturi. She thinks Nessie can never lead a human life without me, and that she needs me there to protect her and basically be to her what no regular human man can be. I wouldn't have to age, and the imprint had already put us together. She thought she was just pushing the inevitable to fall into place, just like Bella."

I swear and sit back with a huff, folding my arms across my stomach as I glare into the distance. "Those two are a real piece of work," I murmur. Why won't Bella just let Jake go? She was making Rosalie do her dirty for her no doubt. I wish I could rip HER to pieces…and get away with it.

"That day when I spoke to them in Forks, the wolf wanted to go to Ness, but I didn't. I couldn't leave without you, without knowing that you'd still be mine. I held off for a couple weeks until she called me, and told me about the Volturi. Even then, I knew that if I went to Paris, I wouldn't stay. I was determined to find you." Jacob reaches for my hand and I look over at him again. "I was so angry with you for breaking my heart, Lee. You gave up on us."

The tears sting my eyes and I blink them back. "Jacob, I felt like I had no choice. When she told me that, I just knew that I couldn't watch you choose her. I figured the same thing that happened with Sam would happen to you."

"I'm not fucking Sam," he insists softly.

"I know, and I'm sorry. But I had already made up in my mind that we had to stop Jake. And I tried to believe you when you said it would be alright, but I was too scared. I just didn't see how you'd get out of the imprint. Rosalie gave me a bag of money and told me I should take a vacation. So I went."

"She gave you money?"

"Yeah, eight thousand dollars."

"What the fuck, Leah!"

A couple passing by looks over at us in shock, and I feel myself flush in embarrassment. "Jake please, you're making a scene in a family environment."

"I'm going to fucking kill her," his jaw clenches along with his fists and I pounce on him, turning his face to mine, but Jacob pulls away from me, breathing hard. "No! I can't believe you accepted a bribe from her Leah. You had no right to take her fucking money!" he pushes off the bench and paces in front of me, shaking his head. "How the fuck could you DO that?" he asks, clearly disgusted by the thought.

I was disgusted with myself at first, and a part of me will always regret taking money from a Cullen, so I understand where he's coming from. But I don't appreciate his tone.

"Jacob, I had to go or die! Okay? That's what it felt like. I couldn't let you break my heart! I had to save myself and it felt like the only option. I hate that I took the money too, but I didn't have a choice. If I wanted to go, I HAD to take it!"

We both turn away from each other, panting and trying to rein in our emotions.

At least five minutes pass before Jacob speaks again, his voice soft and pained. "What did Embry say to you? I know he's the last person you saw."

I take a deep breath and shake my head. "He was upset with me and wanted me to admit that I'd made the wrong choices. I guess he thought you had hurt me because of the imprint. He tried to get me to stay though, but I wouldn't let him."

"He never fucking told me anything. I didn't even know til long after you'd gone that he saw you and knew you were okay. I ordered him to tell me what you said, he told me you said it was just sex between us."

The feeling of betrayal is hard to miss in his voice and on his face. "I lied Jake." He's so angry and so hurt, and I know it's because he's thinking that at the time, I hadn't loved him at all. It sure doesn't feel like I did, given how easily I had doubted him and walked away before he could tell me what happened with the Cullens. I get up and stand in front of him, grasping Jacob's hands in mine. "I loved you, Jake. So much. But I wasn't about to say it to him or anyone else but you, first. I left even though I loved you, because I didn't think that it would've have changed anything."

Jacob pulls my face to his, kissing my lips softly. "It broke me to think that you didn't know how I felt, or didn't feel the same about me. I thought that I'd bullied you into being with me, that I'd used the wolf to control you against your will. Did I hurt you like that?"

I shake my head, resting my forehead against his collar bone, the pain and worry in his voice shaking me to the core. "No. No, I wanted to be with you Jake. I wanted the wolf to claim me - I wanted it more than anything. It felt right, like you were the other half of me. But I didn't think I could ever compete with her, no matter what you and I shared. I knew that with her, you'd have more. Like Sam and Emily."

"There's no competition - Never was. No one can match up to you, Lee. My biggest regret was not seeing how perfect you were for me sooner. If I had just let myself forget Bella, you and I could have been free of all this from the start."

I smile at the thought. "Maybe."

"No, it's true. Sometimes I think about when you first joined me and Seth. I knew you came for him, but a part of me felt like you belonged with me even though I lashed out. I was just hurting over Bella and didn't want anyone around hearing my thoughts… I didn't want friends, I just wanted to wallow."

"So did I, and I wanted to do it without Sam knowing every sordid detail, or being scorned for my pain and being unable to suppress it. It was hell being in that pack with everyone knowing that I was broken inside. I hated feeling like my love for him no longer mattered, and that I should just suck it up because Emily was some fucking goddess." I can't help the way my blood heats up just thinking about the early days when Paul, Jared, Quil and Sam especially, even Jacob on his own sour days, made me feel like shit.

"We were all immature idiots. I was so lucky to have you and I didn't know. I think the difference is that Sam did. He knew and yet he didn't protect you. Just because Emily's his imprint didn't make any of it right."

I snort and shake my head. Thinking about how Sam turned against me no longer lances my heart like it used to, but the burn still lingers. "How were you lucky and didn't know?" I ask.

"When you said you'd follow me and do whatever I said regardless of if I wanted you there. You stood up for me when Bella constantly wanted me by her side and I was too weak to resist. You were always there for me and I never allowed myself to see it for what it was. You put all your shit aside to be what I needed, and I took it for granted. I let Bella cloud my mind."

I sigh, remembering more of our past I prefer to forget. I remember Jacob intervening after the newborn fight, challenging the vampire I had found. Although I was pissed at him for getting hurt and not giving me the chance to prove myself as a wolf, the fact that he didn't think twice to rescue me was nice. I knew that he had a good heart, always did from a young boy. I wanted to repay him for seeing me as someone worth saving.

"It was easy to follow you, it wasn't just to get away from Sam and Emily. My wolf's loyalty was to you after the newborn fight."

Jacob takes my hand and kisses it, then clutches it between his palms. "My wolf was loyal to you too, it seems. Honestly Lee, I've done you wrong in so many ways, all because of Bella. It's wrong of me to be upset that you left. It was what you'd wanted for a long time, to be free of all of us."

"Jake don't -"

"No, listen. You'd said that you wanted to leave as soon as you could get your anger under control and stop phasing. I know that leaving the Res was important to you, so I can't be mad that you took the opportunity when it presented itself – even though it was Blondie's fucking ploy. Seth made me realize that you wouldn't have left if it wasn't absolutely necessary. I'm sorry for my part in that. I didn't want to hurt you."

I take a deep breath, willing the tears not to fall, but they do. Fingering the fabric of his t-shirt, I avoid his eyes as I force myself to open up and share a secret that no one but my mother and Seth know. "I'd tried to leave La Push when you were in Spain. Seth knows, I'm pretty sure that's why he said to let me go." I know I should have told him this before, that day when we talked about the tension in the pack, but I was trying to protect Jake from blaming himself, as I know he will.

Seth had seen Sam drive me away from everyone before, and for him, Jacob had done the same. I haven't been giving my little brother enough credit for trying to protect me. I haven't put myself in his shoes at all since I left home. Mom has probably been feeling the same resentment as well.

The light rumble in his chest tells me that Jacob isn't happy to hear that. "Did something bad happen to make you want to leave?"

Even though I don't want to tell him, I've already said too much now. "Sam was being overbearing. He wanted the packs back together and he just wouldn't leave me alone about it. He always tried to make it seem like I belonged to him even though I was not his imprint. Like…he had to keep tabs on me." Jacob growls and his arms suddenly cinch around my waist possessively. I sigh and fall into his chest, wrapping myself around him so that we are both comforted.

"I was packing my stuff like a crazy person after a bad fight we'd had. And Mom came home early and caught me. She begged me to stay, that she couldn't lose me too. She didn't think that I'd ever come back because she knew all I wanted was to escape him and Emily."

Jacob's arms tighten just a little more and I close my eyes for a moment to regroup. Just thinking about that fight with Sam sets my teeth on edge. I've buried it into the recesses of my mind for so long that drudging it up so suddenly is unsettling. Jacob will never know about the details, neither will Emily. Just thinking about the vice-like grip of Sam's hand around my neck makes me tremble. I swallow and shove the memory aside so that I can continue.

"So I stayed and I told Sam things would remain as they were until you returned, and that I wouldn't betray you. I promised to report to him if need be. I convinced him to focus on his career rather than take on extra wolves. I made sure that Emily was there, and she backed me up…so he caved. I had hated Sam for putting me in that position, to be so desperate to leave, but really, I was too chicken shit to run for it. I had no money, no plan. It was stupid. I felt lost, and being with our pack was all I had to cling to in the end. I relied on them far too much."

I shake my head with a sniffle, pulling away from Jacob so that I can wipe my eyes. Sam had caved because he knew I'd tell Emily what had happened, right there and then, if he didn't give me what I wanted. I wanted to be free of him, and him letting me be Beta without his interference was the only way I could get it without leaving.

"I'm sorry," Jacob's voice breaks. "I've been so selfish."

"I never blamed you for leaving, Jake. I was just jealous that you could." Maybe a part of me had envied the Cullen charity shown to Jacob. Maybe that's why I took the money.

"I should have brought you with me."

I snort at the thought. "Me with the Cullens? Bella? Oh yeah! That would have turned out great!"

Jacob grunts at my sarcasm. "But I should have known that Sam would be a problem. It's just…so much time had passed, I didn't think he'd try to take the pack back. I thought everything was fine as it had been when I was home."

"I know. I didn't think so either. But Sam changed…" I mutter with a slight shudder. We'd all settled into a routine by then, sharing the duties of protecting La Push and the Cullens by extension. Sam and Jacob had buried the hatchet when Nessie was first threatened by the Volturi, and as she grew over the years they stayed, there had been no further issues. The duties of the pack were shared, especially with the Young Seven that sprouted up so suddenly. Jacob had helped train and tend to some for half of every month to help Sam out.

I don't know why Sam suddenly had such a keen interest on being the only Alpha with Jacob gone, I find it hard to believe that it was only because he wanted me within his reach. For what, I don't know….or I don't care to know.

"When I got back from Spain, why didn't you tell me? No, forget that, why didn't you call me as soon as it happened? Leah, I had a right to know what you sacrificed for the pack, for me so that I could run off with fucking vampires!" Jacob chastises, his eyes wide and glassy with unshed tears.

I shake my head. "Jacob, I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't want to start problems between you and him, you know what that would be like. The Council hates when you two aren't cordial. And when you got home, it didn't matter by then, I kept my distance and so did he… there was no reason to bring it up…And we were sort of preoccupied with each other." We'd started sleeping together with no premeditated consideration for the mess it would create.

Mirth lights Jacob's eyes for a moment as he fingers the blush that has surely spread on my cheek. But his mood suddenly darkens and the sadness returns. "Promise me you won't keep things from me anymore, Leah. I don't want to wake up one day and I feel like I've let you down again. I want to protect you, from every and anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself or the decision we've made to be together. I don't want you to make any more sacrifices for me or the pack. Whatever you need, I want to give it to you."

"You haven't let me down Jacob, not once. Not even when you left with the Cullens. I'm the one who was wrong. We should have talked that day I left, about what Rosalie had said to me. I should have had faith in us and refused the money."

Jacob trembles slightly, and I rest my body chest to chest against him to calm us both. "Do you have it now?" he whispers. "Faith?"

I nod. "I swear," looking him in the eye to reassure him that I'm all in.

Jacobs sighs heavily and tucks my head under his chin so that we can just stand by the park bench and hold each other. I can feel how depressed he still is and decide that it's time for both of us to buck up and stop putting ourselves down for things we can no longer change. I pull away and don a stern expression at which Jacob arches a brow, amused.

"We both made mistakes, we both didn't trust each other, we both suffered heartache. We've both felt unworthy or hopeless or selfish at some point or the other. But that's life. We were all kids forced to grow up in a cruel way. We were scared half the time. I know it might not be healthy, but I don't want to dwell on the past anymore. I just want to move on. We're here now, we're going to have a baby. That's all that matters. It's over. I'm yours and you're mine now. This was our choice, and everything we've been through, was so that we could get to this point."

Jake's shoulders slump in relief and he leans over and captures my lips, bringing my hips toward him so that he can hold me again. "I love you Lee."

"I love you too Jake," I sigh as I wrap my arms around him again.

My love.

When a passer-by begs us to get a room, I grab my bag with one hand and Jacob's hand with the other. Together we head back to Rebecca's house, hopefully leaving the past behind us on that park bench.

AN: So these two have had their heart-to-heart. I know you're interested on that altercation with Sam, but I won't be bringing it back up. Leah will not speak on it, not even to me HAHA! But you get the picture, he tried to force her to submit to his pack physically and she fought him off like the warrior we know she is.

Thank you again for your reviews and for following and favoriting This! I really appreciate you being here! Up next we hear from Seth.