A/N: Well, I hope this makes sense…I'm trying to post it really quick before I start my drive home (on a little vacation, and if I leave later at night, my girls will sleep the whole ride!). I'll check it over more later!

Gone

Chapter 24: I'm Gonna Be Strong

October 5th, 2005

1222 Local

Monarch Mercantile

Whitefish, MT

"No luck yet?"

Mac looked up as Mary stepped into the back room and shook her head. For the last five days, she had been trying to reach Harm, only to get his voicemail time after time. She'd left several messages, and this last time she'd gotten the announcement that his mailbox was full. She'd then chanced a call to his home phone and discovered it had been disconnected.

"I think…I think he's avoiding me." Mac blinked back her tears, cursing her inability to control her emotions. Pregnancy had made her extra weepy, or so she told herself, despite it having been easier to cry for the last two plus years…ever since Paraguay.

Mary sat down next to her and picked up the ultrasound photo Mac had set on the table. It was of the baby's profile, and Mac could already tell the baby had Harm's nose and legs, though she supposed a doctor would tell her it was too soon for that. Mac had been overwhelmed by the first view of her baby, her tears flowing freely along with Mary's as the older woman held her hand during the ultrasound. She couldn't believe the wash of love she felt for the tiny being growing inside of her. As scared as she was, there'd actually been a part of her that had been looking forward to telling Harm he was going to be a father. But now…

Harm wasn't answering his calls and he'd disconnected his home phone; for all she knew, he'd changed his number to spite her. She tried to tell herself that she was jumping to conclusions, that she was reading more into it all than she should, but she still had the feeling she was getting what she deserved. After all, she'd been the one to leave him—again, no less. Despite the note he'd included with her engagement ring that she'd been keeping under her pillow and despite his words to her as she'd left the farm, he was only human. She'd effectively told him 'never' twice now, though of course the circumstances were different this time. He didn't deserve what a life with her would mean: his departure from the navy yet again and the separation from all of his friends.

But she wouldn't, couldn't, keep his child from him.

She needed him to call her back, even if he cursed her, hated her…and she couldn't tell him about the baby on a voicemail. Doing it over the phone was bad enough, but at least they'd actually be talking to one another.

"Maybe his assignment on the carrier is lasting longer than he thought it would?" Mary offered and Mac shrugged.

"Maybe…" Mac answered absently, chewing on her bottom lip as another thought gnawed at her.

"Mary," she started, closing her eyes for a moment. "What if something happened to him?"

1844 Local

Mac's House

Whitefish, MT

Later, after she'd gotten home and fed Nicodemus, Mac curled up on her couch with Nic curled up next to her belly—his new favorite spot—and pulled out the ultrasound picture once again. She traced the lines of the baby's face, seeing Harm more than ever in it. Her throat tightened as she fought her tears again, wondering once again where Harm was and why he wasn't answering her calls.

"You said if I ever needed anything, you'd be there," she said out loud, as new tears slid down her cheeks. She angrily brushed them aside, tired of her near-constant waterworks. She felt a flash of anger at Harm, but it quickly faded. She was the one who'd told him they wouldn't work, and there was still that nagging thought that perhaps something had happened to him on the Seahawk, and of course, no one would know to inform her.

I'd know if something had happened to him. I would! she told herself, and for a moment, she closed her eyes and opened her mind, calling on their infamous connection to 'find' him. For a moment she felt nothing, but then there was a little spark—a spark that told her he was alive and well but nothing else. She slowly came back to herself, startled to find Nic with his paws on her shoulders, his green eyes looking directly into hers when they fluttered open. At her little cry of surprise, Nic brushed his cheek against hers, clearly contrite for scaring his mistress. She gathered him in her arms and stood up, suddenly exhausted, and walked toward her bedroom, sniffling yet again.

"He's out there, Nic…but he…he doesn't, he doesn't w-want…" Nic shifted within her hold, squirming until he could look her in the eye once again. He seemed to be trying to tell her something, but the life of her, she couldn't figure it out, and though she was beyond tired, she faced a restless night.

Two weeks later…

1002 Local

Monarch Mercantile

Whitefish, MT

"Maybe if I called and asked for Harm—" Mary started to say, trying to be helpful, but Mac was quick to refuse.

"No…I don't want them…I don't want…" Mac threw up her arms in frustration. "I don't know what I want…"

That was, of course, a lie. Mac knew exactly what she wanted—Harm, with his arms around her, telling her everything would be alright. Why won't he call me? she lamented to herself, remembering how she'd tried him twice this morning, only to hear the same "this mailbox is full" message on his cell. His home phone, or at least what had been his home number, was still disconnected, and Mac was growing at once more despondent and frantic.

She still felt he was out there somewhere, unharmed. Unfortunately, she kept imagining him out with his fellow flyboys or with other women, women who were always tall and blonde, with willowy figures that didn't sport the slight baby bump that had seemed to form overnight. Oh, she could still hide it from her customers, but both Mary and Dan noticed it, and sometimes Mac wondered if she were starting to feel the tiny flutters of her baby's movements.

Mac sighed heavily and turned back to Mary. "No, don't call…at least not yet…I—I need to give him more time."

Four weeks later…

November 16th, 2005

1551 Local

Glacier Obstetrics and Gynecology

Kalispell, MT

"Okay, Ms. O'Hara, did you want to know the sex of the baby?" The ultrasound tech stood between Mac and her machine, the ultrasound probe poised over Mac's exposed, rounded belly. Mac looked over at Mary, who gave her an encouraging smile, and then she turned back to the tech and nodded.

"Yeah, let's do it," she said softly, and then she was once again treated to the sight of her baby on the screen. The tech, Molly, her nametag said, started moving the probe around over the gel she'd squirted onto Mac's tummy, did a few measurements—the baby's skull, belly, femur, marking each one with a few clicks on her keyboard. Both Mac and Mary watched in awe, and with each movement of the baby, Mac felt the flutter of it in her belly. It was utterly amazing…and utterly devastating at the same time.

She still hadn't managed to speak to Harm, and she'd all but given up. She still tried calling him, but now she'd only dial his number once or twice a week, rather than once or twice a day. Her mind began to drift as she thought of the father of her child, but then she was called back to the present by the sound of Molly's voice.

"Okay, Ms. O'Hara, this is it." She angled the ultrasound probe back and forth a bit, and then her baby revealed himself in all his glory. "Well no doubt about this one, he's definitely a boy."

It was another tearful moment for Mac and her son's surrogate grandmother. Thirty minutes later, the two women left the clinic and made their way to Mary's car, the older woman almost giddy. Mac, however, was more subdued. She had secretly hoped the baby would be a boy, though she would have loved a little girl just as much, and she was ecstatic that she carried a little Harm within her.

Of course, that was her main problem…her little Harm's father.

Where are you, Harm? I need you! she cried out inside. As usual, her thoughts were met with silence, and for the entirety of the ride back to Whitefish, she fought to keep her roiling emotions in check.

She was successful until the moment Mary pulled into her driveway. Every fear, every emotion she'd had since she'd suspected she was pregnant bubbled to the surface, and with a strangled cry, she called out to Mary.

"Oh, god, Mary…I-I don't think I can do this…I can't do this without him…"

"Oh, Mac…" Mary whispered and pulled her into her arms as well as she could in the front seat of her Honda. "Sweetie, yes you can…you have all of us here…"

"No, Mary…I don't want to do this without him…but he—he ob-obviously d-doesn't c-care…"

"Mac, sweetheart…let's go inside. Let me make you some tea…and then we'll talk," Mary said after holding Mac for several minutes. Mac's sobs had slowed somewhat, and she nodded against Mary. The two women got out of the car and made their way into the house, Mary insisting Mac sit and rest on the couch while she prepared the tea and made them both a sandwich.

After Mac had taken a few fortifying sips of her drink and had taken a couple of bites of her sandwich, Mary gently took her hand.

"Sweetheart, I know that if you never hear from Harm again, you will be strong enough to raise this baby on your own. This town loves you, and we'll all be there to help you. I also know how much you love Harm and how much you want to share this with him. Everything in me tells me he wouldn't just ignore you, not after what he went through to find you. He may be angry, he may be hurt, but that man loves you. There has to be a reason he isn't contacting you, and I'm sure it has something to do with his duties. You yourself told me that the two of you found yourselves in any number of undercover situations and dangerous missions…why can't it be something like that? What if…what if something…"

Mac shook her head vehemently. "No, Mary, he's out there…he's fine…he's just…"

"Just what?"

Mac shook her head. "I—I just know he's okay."

"How—"

Mac wrapped her arms around herself and took a deep breath. "We—we just have this…this connection."

"Well, that's obvious, Mac."

Mac shook her head again. "No…you don't understand…remember how I told you that he always knows where I am?" She paused and Mary nodded. "It goes beyond that…"

With that, Mac told Mary about how Harm knew she was in the submarine near the Russian sub he'd found himself on, how she'd found him in the middle of the ocean against impossible odds, and then how he'd found her in Paraguay. She didn't go into major details of course, the mission being classified, but did make sure Mary understood that if it hadn't been for their connection, she'd likely have died horribly. Mary listened to the stories wide-eyed, obviously a little stunned that two lawyers still had such adventures.

"So…I know he's alive…and he's obviously avoiding me." Mac finished, then flopped back against the cushions of her couch, her arm over her eyes.

"I think you're wrong about that, sweetie." Mary's voice was firm, and Mac instantly felt her ire rise. How the hell would she know?!

Mary ignored the fire in Mac's eyes and continued speaking. "And you won't be able to relax and stay healthy with this pregnancy unless you find out where he is and what's keeping him from you. You need to just call—"

Mac abruptly stood up, ignoring the dizziness she still sometimes felt if she moved too quickly. She was furious…furious that Mary would even suggest she call anyone else regarding Harm. "I will never do that! You have no idea what you're suggesting!"

"Then let me call! They'll have no idea who I am; I can ask—"

"No! You can't do that!"

"Why not?"

There was a little voice inside Mac that told her she was being ridiculous about this. Why couldn't Mary call JAG? Why couldn't she try to see if she could reach Harm?

Because…

That's not a real reason, Mac…

"You just can't! Just—just go, Mary. I want to be alone. Please…"

From the corner of her eye, Mac saw Mary nod and silently walk toward the door. Just before she opened it, the older woman turned back toward her. "Mac, sweetheart, I love you…I only want you to be okay. You aren't going to rest until you can talk to Harm and I know you know there's more to this than him just ignoring you. You know what you need to do…" With that, Mary turned and went out the door, leaving Mac to cry into her hands.

December 2005

0745 Local

Monarch Mercantile

Whitefish, MT

"You got a minute?" Mac asked hesitantly as she stepped into the backroom of the store. Her relationship with Mary had been strained since the day of her ultrasound. Mac knew it was her doing; she'd been so angry and defensive about Mary suggesting she call JAG, and it had taken her a while to realize she'd been so angry because Mary was right. She was still terrified that Harm really didn't want anything to do with her, but as her pregnancy progressed and she grew more used to the hormonal fluctuations, she could acknowledge that there may be something more to Harm's silence. She owed it to him and herself to call JAG Headquarters…no one need know it was the former Lt. Colonel Sarah MacKenzie. She'd talk to Harm or get a clue about his whereabouts, and all would be…well, maybe not well, but there would be a resolution to all of this.

"Of course, sweetheart." Mary motioned for Mac to join her at the table where she sat going over some of the books. Mac hesitated a moment, but then stepped closer and pulled out a chair. She carefully lowered herself into it, rubbing her hand over her expanding belly as her son started to turn cartwheels inside of her.

"I'm going to call him."

Mary raised an eyebrow and Mac nodded.

"At JAG."

Mary watched Mac for a moment then broke out into a brilliant smile. "I'm so glad, honey."

"And I'm s-s-sorry…"

"Oh, honey…it's okay…it's okay…" Mary put her arms around Mac, crooning words of forgiveness and comfort for several minutes until Mac calmed.

Mac pulled away after a few more moments and brushed the remaining tears from her face. She chuckled ruefully as she sniffled, giving Mary a little smile. "I swear I never used to cry so much." Mary chuckled softly with her until Mac grew serious again.

"I'd like to call now. It's almost ten there; the morning 'rush' should be over…but…and I know I have no right to ask this…but would you stay here with me while I do it?" She was afraid to look Mary in the eye, but she forced herself to as she bit her lip nervously. Mary's expression was soft, though, and she nodded firmly.

"Of course, I will."

Mac gave her a wan smile and pulled her cellphone from her pocket. "Well, here goes nothing…" Mary smiled encouragingly, and Mac flipped open her phone and started to dial the number she was surprised she still remembered after all these months. It started to ring and Mac tried to keep herself from hyperventilating. Finally, someone picked up…and Mac flipped the phone shut again.

"Mac?" Mary spoke, looking almost disappointed.

"I can't do this."

"Maaac," Mary said with just a hint of exasperation and Mac shook her head.

"No…I mean, I can't just call…I need to tell him, I know…but I have to do it in person."

Mary's eyes widened in shock, but Mac knew her boss's surprise was nothing compared to hers. She hadn't even been thinking about traveling to DC again, but the idea popped into her head and came out her mouth. Plans formulated in her mind, almost without her bidding.

"Mac? You'd really go to JAG?"

Mac shook her head. "No…I-I'll go to the Wall—the Vietnam memorial," she clarified. "He always goes on Christmas Eve…his father was shot down that night in '69…so he goes there…every Christmas Eve," she repeated.

"I'll meet him there."

End Chapter 24