"How can you even consider it? After everything that's happened!" shouted Sirius.
"What alternative do you propose?" asked Remus evenly.
"You tell him no! That's what I fucking propose! It's too soon," insisted Sirius.
"The work I'm doing is more important now than it ever has been. Greyback is gaining followers at an alarming rate since Oliver's death and we may have finally found someone who can help fight it. My personal problems are not more important than this and you know it," explained Remus.
Remus stood firmly, arms folded. Sirius paced back and forth in front of him like an animal in a cage. Remus knew he was only acting out in fear, but it was getting increasingly difficult to hide his exasperation. They had been going in circles for what felt like ages and Sirius was refusing to see reason.
"You've said it yourself, those places are full of drugs! It's only been a month and you can barely cope with these missions under the best of circumstances," said Sirius, stopping his pacing and taking a step towards Remus. "Your last transformation was brutal, what if it's like that again?"
The stress and anxiety of being newly clean, on top of the lingering physical weakness from his withdrawal had made for a difficult time. He'd expected as much, but he'd hoped having Sirius with him would help mitigate the damage. It hadn't. Things had been more difficult since James stopped being able to join them. Without both him and Sirius to help keep him under control, it just wasn't safe to go out into open spaces for his transformations. Not that it was ever really safe. With the loss of his dad's property on top of that, it left them with limited options. They'd found a small abandoned warehouse out in the sticks a while back and warded it to hell. They didn't feel it was safe enough for Peter to come along without James, as his animagus form was unable to defend against the wolf. Still, usually having Padfoot with him helped at least a bit.
Usually pumping himself full of chemicals before hand also helped. Sirius wasn't wrong. The last transformation had been brutal. Sirius hadn't been able to stay with him the whole night. It had gotten too dangerous, even for him. Remus had woken up the next day with multiple new cuts, the worst of which left him with a heavily bleeding wound across his stomach. Thankfully Sirius was a good hand at healing deep wounds. James and Peter were too. They'd all had practice over the years.
"It won't be like that there. The transformations in the packs... they're easier. I'm not alone, or confined. You don't have to worry about that," Remus explained. It was true. In fact, though he'd never say so to Sirius, he'd actually come to prefer spending the full moon that way. Every single second he was in those places he wanted to be somewhere else, but once they were transformed it was different. They were all in it together, one way or another.
Sirius started pacing again. Remus had a counter for every argument he made and it was driving him fucking insane. How did he not understand? How could he not see what he was risking?
"I've just got you back, Remus. Things can't go back to how they were. This is what started this whole fucking thing. You were fine until you started going on these missions and then everything spiraled out from there!"
For a moment Remus was taken aback, then he huffed out a bitter laugh. Sirius stopped in his tracks, shooting him an indignant glare.
"Care to let me in on the joke?" he spat.
"That's not when it started, Sirius, that's just when it stopped being fun for you," Remus said flatly.
It was Sirius' turn to look taken aback. "Funny, I don't recall you spacing out, having panic attacks, doing heroin or, I don't know, nearly fucking dying of an overdose before you started going to the packs," Sirius accused.
"Yeah, exactly," said Remus, the first sign of hostility starting to make its way into his voice since they started this endless back and forth. "What you remember is us going out to party together. Me getting you all free drinks at work. Having a laugh when Marley and I went on a coke bender and came back with funny stories, or joking about how much you envied me when I started my day with a joint while you went to work. What the fuck did you think I was doing with my time while you were all out having careers? I was getting drunk off my ass on a daily fucking basis but it was all fine because I could plaster on a smile and keep my calm and be there to comfort the rest of you when things went to shit. I wasn't fine before the missions. They didn't make me an addict, they just made me harder for you to deal with."
Sirius stared, mouth opening and closing as he tried to come up with a response. Remus could see the anger still bubbling away in him even as he tried to process this revelation. It was almost amusing watching him battle between his recent determination to be a more empathetic partner and his obvious desire to keep fighting. He could hardly blame him for struggling. Remus had been coming to grips with the reality of how far back his issues went for a while now and he was only just starting to accept it himself.
"Well, sorry," Sirius finally sputtered out. "I should've- I didn't mean to- fuck! That is way too much for me to sort through on the spot and we can have a longer conversation about it later, but it's not the point right now!"
Remus groaned in frustration. "I don't want to have a longer conversation, Sirius, I don't even want to be having this conversation."
He took a deep, calming breath. He stepped forward, covering the ground in between him and Sirius. He softened his gaze as he looked into Sirius' eyes. Sirius seemed to calm down a little too.
"I know you just want me to be safe. Do you think I don't have the same fear every time you leave for a mission? Fuck, every time you leave for work, even. I can handle myself," he said as he reached up to put a hand on Sirius' cheek, wrapping the other one around his waist and pulling him in close.
"It's different now," protested Sirius even as he felt himself heating up against his partners touch.
"Let's just not worry about this right now," said Remus softly.
Sirius closed his eyes for a moment, his energy from the argument starting to redirect itself. He put his hand on the small of Remus' back. Remus tilted his head, leaning down slightly to catch Sirius' lips with his own. Things were heating up quickly.
Remus was just starting to guide them in the direction of the couch when Sirius pulled away suddenly, pushing Remus back.
"No! Not happening, not this time," he exclaimed, panting slightly.
"What?" asked Remus innocently.
"Don't do that. We're having this conversation, you can't just shut me up," declared Sirius.
"Nobody can, Pads. Many have tried and failed," Remus teased.
Sirius glowered at him. Before he'd just been upset at the situation, but now Remus was starting to piss him off personally. He couldn't just decide they were done talking and shag Sirius into silence. Sure, most of the time it worked. He was upsettingly good at it, but there were some things that were too important for Sirius not to stand his ground.
"Stop it. Stop downplaying this or acting like I'm being unreasonable just because it's Order business. You're not okay. It's too big a risk. Tell me honestly, do you really think you can spend weeks in that environment and not relapse?" he asked.
Remus' face remained impassive even as his insides twisted with shame. It's not as if he wanted to go. It's not like he was choosing this. The orders had come in and the work needed to be done. He was the only one who could do it and after everything, after all the mistakes he'd made, the last thing Remus could stand to be was useless. If he couldn't even do the one thing in his life that made a real difference to the war, to protecting the people he loved, then what the fuck was the point of being sober, anyway?
"The mission comes first, Sirius. You know this. If you were in my position you would make the exact same choice."
"I wouldn't be in your position because I'm not a drug addict," he said dismissively . He immediately regret his words as he saw the look of hurt that passed across Remus' face before being swiftly masked. "Fuck, I didn't mean that like it sounded," he tried to explain.
"It doesn't matter. This is how it has to be. I'm going."
Sirius stared him down. He was running it all over in his head, trying to think of any way out. He looked Remus up and down, realizing that nothing he could say was going to make him budge.
"We'll see about that," he said eventually.
Sirius turned away, heading into the bedroom and grabbing his jacket. When he came back out, he started putting on his chunky black boots.
"I'm going for a ride," he said. "I need to think."
Remus rolled his eyes. Sirius didn't seem angry anymore, but he still had an air of determination about him. Remus had no doubt that when he came back they'd be rehashing the entire conversation. Maybe he'd be in a better mood then. Taking a spin on the motorbike he and Lyall had worked on together always seemed to calm Sirius down a bit.
Sirius walked up and kissed him quickly and uttered a goodbye before heading out the door. Remus responded in kind.
When he was alone, Remus went over to the record player, selecting an album and turning the volume up high. He made his way out to the terrace and sat down, retrieving his pack of smokes and lighter along the way. He lit a cigarette and took a deep drag, focusing on the sound of the music. He only had a couple of days before he shipped out. He hoped that Sirius would get used to the idea sooner rather than later. He was terrified of facing a mission without chemical aid. He honestly had no idea if he could make it through without using, but the mission was too important not to risk it. He didn't need Sirius' stress on top of the rest of it.
Sirius, though, was not willing to compromise. He couldn't shake the feeling that something awful was going to happen. That Remus would relapse. That he'd get into some situation that he couldn't get out of. He'd overdose, or get caught up in a fight, or one of the million things that could go wrong and stop him from coming home. Or he would come home but this time he wouldn't be able to stay clean and their relationship would fall apart again. He was finally starting to seem stable, a little more like his old self.
There was a spy in the Order and it seemed like every other day he was seeing some horrible new atrocity or they were getting word of some new friend or acquaintance who was never going to get to see the end of the war and that wasn't going to be him and Remus. It wasn't. They were getting out the other side of the war together one way or another.
It was this that was running through Sirius' head as he sat in Dumbledore's office at Hogwarts, meeting the headmasters piercing blue gaze with all the determination he could muster.
"You can't send him back," Sirius said. "There's things you don't know."