Episode 21 - A Return to a Piece of the Action
An unusually high amount of chatter filled classroom 2-A, and for a very good reason. Rumors had erupted that the students of that class would be getting a substitute teacher today; normally, it wouldn't be considered major news, but considering that for the longest time these students had to deal with a geezer who did nothing more than ramble on about his life before and after Second Impact in a way so potent that it could put even the most adrenaline-pumped professional athlete to sleep, THEN rumors of a substitute would be considered newsworthy.
"So, what's the big news?"
"Oh, it's gonna knock your socks off when you hear this...That old coot, Arishima, who was in charge of our class? He's on vacation!"
"You're kidding!"
"No, it's really true! Isn't that amazing?!"
"Hey, this really is big news!"
"But that's not all. What's bigger is what I have to say after that. You're not gonna believe this-our substitute teacher is a woman!"
"...She's gonna be some old bat, right?"
"No way! She's really young!"
"Is she pretty?"
"So I hear!"
"Ah, but you haven't seen her yet!"
"It's just a rumor!"
"Wait a minute-don't you think it's strange that our teacher would go on holiday without saying anything in the middle of the school year?"
"Who cares?! Even if it's just temporary, school's gonna be so much better with a beautiful female teacher instead of some old bat!"
"Man, I could sniff a butt right now."
That last quote actually didn't come from one of the students in Class 2-A, but from a dog poking its head out of the window of a nearby car, panting. Strangely, no one passing by seemed to bat an eye at a talking dog.
Back in the classroom, the EVA pilots and their respective friends were having their own little discussion regarding the rumors of the incoming substitute.
"One thing's for sure," Shinji said, "as long as we don't have to endure another Second Impact lecture, I'm fine with any homework coming from a new teacher."
"With ya on that," Toji agreed, "even if I don't exactly call myself a good student."
"THANKFULLY, we're working on that," Hikari sternly said as she lightly elbowed Toji in the arm, referring to her recent tutoring sessions with him.
"Still, I wonder what kind of teacher she'll be?" Mayumi asked.
A small pause emerged among them, lasting until Kensuke fielded a possibility.
"Maybe it's Miss Misato?" Kensuke guessed. Both Shinji's and Asuka's eyes widened upon hearing this.
"Ooooh nonononoNO," Asuka immediately said with a dismissive wave of her hands. "Misato may be a lot of things, but teacher material is definitely not one of them."
"I would say Dr. Akagi," Shinji added warily, "but I'm afraid that a lot of what she'd say would go over the class's heads."
"Agreed," Rei chimed in, "also, due to their respective responsibilities, neither is in much of a position to devote even a day for substitute teaching."
Before any chatter could continue, Hikari heard footsteps coming towards the door to the classroom. Immediately, her class rep-sense tingled and she sprung into action as she bolted for the doorway, where she got into position.
"STAND! BOW! SIT!" she barked out, to which everyone responded like clockwork as the teacher walked in. When they did sit back down, they were stunned by just who it was that walked into the room.
The woman who entered was definitely young, quite tall, and very well-built, like she'd previously been an Olympic athlete. She wore a deep tan pantsuit and a green blouse; on her neck was a choker with what appeared to be an animal's fang hanging from it. On her face were a pair of sharply-angled eyeglasses, hanging from her ears were a set of beautiful turquoise earrings, and her jet-black hair was tied up in a bun. Most startling of all to the students was her light blue-colored skin. The woman gave the class a once-over with a hunter's gaze before smiling.
"Good morning, class," she greeted in flawless Japanese, "at the behest of the school board, your regular teacher, Mr. Arishima, is currently taking a much-needed vacation. I'll be your substitute for the time being. My name is Ms. Mumphry, and it is a pleasure to meet you all."
Kensuke, more than the rest of the class, was very surprised by this development. So was Freakazoid, watching as he was from the Freakazone.
What's Boa-Magnon doing here?! Kensuke asked his 'roommate' with panic in his voice.
Beats me, Freakazoid conceded, one thing's for sure, there's no way her being here's a coincidence, or my name's Zane Townsend!
Kensuke 'looked' at Freakazoid incredulously on hearing that. Freakazoid, on the other hand, merely looked our way with a big grin.
"See if you can spot that one, folks!" he said as if daring us to figure out what he was referencing.
Ms. Mumphry then picked up a piece of chalk and began to write on the board. "The lesson plan is going to be a bit different," she said. "Today, we'll be learning about an aspect of post-Second Impact politics that doesn't get enough attention. Of course, I refer to...endangered species protection legislation, around the world."
Upon hearing this, the students broke into some whispering chatter, most of it along the lines of, 'at least it's better than what Arishima usually drones on about'.
Ms. Mumphry, her back to the students, merely smirked as she thought back to the circumstances that led to her little 'undercover mission', evidenced by the wavy flashback lines that started to appear.
Commander Ikari's office, yesterday...
"What do you have in mind?" Gendo asked.
Boa-Magnon smirked as she laid out some photographs she'd taken the week prior. "I've been taking my time studying and observing Freakazoid's movements in and around the city," the mercenary explained. "I've found, in particular, that almost every day, he appears from this particular alleyway when he goes on his patrols." She then pointed to a photograph of a specific building. "That alleyway, curiously, happens to be a couple of blocks away from this: the Municipal Middle School."
Gendo arched an eyebrow as he began to put her hypothesis together. "You've reason to believe he's somehow connected to someone at the school," he theorized.
"Precisely," Boa-Magnon replied. "To better determine if that someone is student or staff, I shall embark on a clandestine operation within the school. Which is where you come in." She smiled an almost-Cheshire Cat-like smile before she continued. "Since you practically run everything here in this city, I'm certain it won't be difficult for you to speak to someone on the city council and have them, in turn, speak to someone on the school board to arrange for one of the teachers to take a much-needed 'vacation' for a short while, allowing me to pose as a substitute and ingratiate myself within that academic environment, all the better to search for Freakazoid without arousing suspicion." She then held up the Freakafinder, which had been laying on Gendo's desk. "Having this little device handy won't hurt, of course."
"Of course," Gendo agreed with a nod. "Very well. I'll make the arrangements as soon as possible."
"Much appreciated," Boa-Magnon replied.
Classroom 2-A, the present...
While the class took notes as she continued her lecture, Ms. Mumphry secretly extracted the Freakafinder from her pocket and quickly put it behind the book she was holding before switching it on. With its 'eye' trained on the class, it then began scanning and analyzing the students, accounting for any irregularities in their energy signatures. (An earlier sweep of the faculty yielded nothing.) It would take some time for it to compile all the data, but it managed to do its job just before the lunch bell rang. As soon as the students left to go eat, Ms. Mumphry stayed behind in the classroom. As soon as the coast was clear, she closed the door and began going through the collected data on the Freakafinder. Sure enough, she found one particular outlier among the energy signatures-one that just so happened to belong to a certain Kensuke Aida...
Eventually, when lunch ended and the students filed back into the classroom, Ms. Mumphry moved on to a lecture about early human hunter-gatherer societies. Strangely, to the students paying attention, she seemed to focus a great deal on the tools and techniques they developed, with a greater emphasis on the weapons they invented. All the while, a great number of red flags blared within Kensuke's mind, with Freakazoid doing his darnedest to calm his friend down. This lasted until the bell rang, signaling the end of the school day. Once the student body had filed out of the building, Kensuke made a beeline to the usual alley where he'd transform and let Freakazoid out, unaware that the substitute that'd been giving him a predatory eye most of the afternoon was quietly tailing him. A few times he'd looked over his shoulder, only to find no one there. Finally, he'd made it to the alley.
"Ooooh, Freak Out!" Kensuke exclaimed. One flash of light and static later saw Freakazoid standing in that exact spot.
"At last, we meet again," said a hidden voice, causing Freakazoid to look around manically.
"All right, show yourself, Boa! Olly-olly oxen-free!" Freakazoid said in turn, trying to goad the blue-hued huntress out of hiding. He was promptly answered with a ring of arrows circling around him as they stuck into the ground, much to the wacky wonder's surprise.
"Nhaaaaaaaah!" Freakazoid sounded off in a Curly manner, as he then took off running, Boa-Magnon in pursuit on the rooftops. A stream of arrows were fired, as Freakazoid narrowly avoided each one. The chase went all over the city, with neither of them giving an inch. At one point, their chase took them by the apartment building where the pilots lived. At the moment, while Freakazoid and Boa Magnon played cat-and-mouse along the fire escapes of the building (the latter having switched to throwing miniature javelins at the former), Shinji, Asuka and Pen-Pen were watching TV just as Misato walked in the door; all four were very much unaware of the ruckus going on outside their window.
"What're you watching?" Misato asked.
"Some news story that you 'have to see to believe'," Asuka nonchalantly replied with air quotes just as the news anchor came on.
ANCHOR: "About four days ago, a plane landed at JFK International Airport. The plane came from the Middle East, ferrying a man who claims to be 2,000 years old. He spent the past six days at the Mayo Clinic. [Turns to face the man in question.] Sir, is it true that you are 2,000 years old?"
MAN: "Ooooh boy..."
Back outside, Freakazoid and Boa-Magnon's chase eventually took them to the rooftop of a nearby building. Boa at that point let loose a bolo that quickly entangled itself around Freakazoid's feet, causing him to trip and fall. Boa-Magnon then proceeded to grip the dazed Freakazoid by his collar as she held him up close, a nasty-looking hunting knife in her other hand pointed just millimetres from his throat, causing him to nervously sweat.
"Fun while it was, I'm afraid that this is where we end things," Boa said with a hint of finality.
"Wait! Wait!" Freakazoid desperately shouted. "At least let me get some last words in? I mean come on, usually the hero gets that most of the time."
"...Make it quick," Boa replied indignantly. "Ikari is waiting for me, and I don't intend on breaking my streak of satisfied clients."
"Trust me, it's very much about your client at the moment," Freakazoid said. "Let me ask you this-aren't you curious over why they want me out of the way?"
"A part of me has wondered," Boa replied, "especially considering how much you've brought down the crime rate in this city."
"I mean really, you seem like someone who's very careful when approached by prospective clients," Freakazoid said persuasively. "Haven't you thought about just who your employers really are? The kind of shady stuff they're up to?"
"More than I already suspect?" Boa responded. "Indeed, there is something about Ikari in particular that just doesn't seem quite right to me."
"Maybe this'll clear things up for you," Freakazoid said as he took out a book from somewhere on his person and handed it to Boa. Curious, the mercenary let go of his collar (causing him to fall back to the ground with a thud) and took the book in her free hand, while sheathing the knife in the other. The book in question was a manga volume-specifically, Neon Genesis Evangelion, volume 8. Freakazoid had it bookmarked at the chapter labeled "The Birth of NERV", and when Boa turned to that page, she began reading it intently. The more she read, the more her eyes grew wide with astonishment. Freakazoid managed to get himself back upright and followed along with her over her shoulder. Finally, when she finished the chapter, she looked back up with a very astonished expression on her face.
"My word..." she said, shocked by the events depicted in that story. "Who have I been working for all this time?!"
"I know, right?" Freakazoid said in turn. "I mean great googly moogly, are these people twisted or what?"
"I've done jobs for people with delusions of grandeur before, but SEELE and Ikari? Unbelievable..." Boa replied, shaking her head. She then, to the surprise of Freakazoid, undid the bolo around his ankles.
"So, where's that leave us?" the wacky wonder asked.
"For now?" Boa answered. "Consider this the start of a truce. I'll continue my 'substitute teacher' act for the time being while I get in touch with some contacts of mine. I'll have an alibi to stall Ikari, no need to worry. When the time comes, I'll be ready to assist you in taking down these truly heinous ambitions." She then smirked a very knowing smirk. "And so as to not worry you any further-your secret shall remain safe with me." She then turned to start leaping from rooftop-to-rooftop. "One thing though-your book is just a touch out of date in one regard."
Freakazoid, slightly surprised by this, arched an eyebrow. "How's that?" he asked.
"Lorenz Kihl no longer leads SEELE," Boa answered. "Unfortunately, my contract has a non-disclosure agreement, so for now I cannot reveal the identity of the current head of the organization. All I can tell you is that he is a very familiar foe of yours. One who despises being called a certain word. Ta-ta!"
With that, Boa leapt into a run as she bounded among the rooftops, leaving Freakazoid to ponder this new revelation.
SEELE's got a new leader? Kensuke asked, bewildered as well. Who could be worse than Kihl?!
"I dunno, pal," Freakazoid said, his thumb and forefinger holding his chin in thought, "but it looks like Kaji's going to get one heck of an update to his dossiers coming."
To be continued...
**Author's Note(s)**
And with this, Boa-Magnon becomes a potential ally for the future. How? Not saying much, for now...
The opening dialogue among the students over the incoming teacher is a takeoff on the same from both the first and last episodes of the anime series Please Teacher!.
Since the old teacher in Evangelion isn't named in nearly every bit of media, I decided to name him after Japanese comedic actor IchirÅ Arishima, who among other roles portrayed Mr. Tako in 1962's King Kong vs. Godzilla.
The dog's line is lifted from a similar gag from the opener to an episode of MTV's The Jon Stewart Show from 1993, which parodied the music video for R.E.M.'s version of "Everybody Hurts". (Funnily enough, it was also parodied that same year for the Wayne's World 2 MTV Special.)
Asuka shooting down the idea of Misato teaching refers to the character's profession in both the 'dream sequence' of episode 26 of NGE and in the manga spin-offs The Shinji Ikari Raising Project and Campus Apocalypse. The idea of Ritsuko teaching refers to fanfic author jcmoorehead's "The Division Bell".
Freakazoid makes the same sort of scared sound as Curly Howard in many a Three Stooges short.
The 'news story' Shinji and Asuka watch is based on the legendary "2,000-Year-Old Man" comedy sketch by Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner. I added this reference to honor the memory of Reiner (one of my comedy heroes), who passed away last week at the ripe old age of 98, leaving behind a legacy of laughter.