...so in the past few weeks got a job where i have not been let to work hrs. so great there i might as well be still unemployed. FML. Have struggled to do anything because i have no idea what I am doing. And... a few nights ago broke down crying because of a fan art of wei ying in booty shorts that made me question everything i know about my gender identity... and attempts to get art commissions for drawing bunnies since I still can't draw long enough to do long projects failed completely and i need a real job soon or i am fucked come November. Oh and i finally started Scum Villain. I love it. The emotional incompetence on display makes our boy WWX look smart
The world must run on a specific brand of irony as Jin Ling woke up first that morning not completely in a daze but certainly confused and with odd thoughts running in his head. He remembers being hungry- pain- then all of a sudden he was determined to guard the walls and where he was. He was- it was his job to stand guard and actually a voice nagged in his head to go to the door and stand vigilante. That he was missing his things. His ball.
What ball? No, that was a ridiculous thing to think. Why would… Jin Ling took in a deep breath and sat up with a struggle. His body felt sore in that familiar way he knew from days spent running in the woods around Yunmeng on all fours. The he saw the robes which were not his lovely gold but simple colors of dark brown and grey and far cheaper. Now awake he saw his belongings set aside along with his robes torn and broken to pieces with red staining the whole thing.
Great… now he's really dead when he gets home.
He can hear the angry yelling now about how stupid he was. How only idiots run away from home like that. How he really was going to have his legs broken and tied down to a post so he can't move from now until the next millennium and then potentially the one after that. Maybe even the next if he's that unlucky.
The other creatures in there were eating each other or at least trying to. They kept battering and clawing at one another and he remembers that- mimic stone. Yes, he was trying to appear like stone so they would leave him be and he guessed it worked.
If he acted like stone then… he looked at his arm and jumped when he saw a patch of gray retreating into peach tones. He felt the skin and it felt right and he took a breath and thought of cold stone and it returned before fleeing in his panic.
That was unnatural. Completely unnatural! He took a deep breath and tried to level himself out. Just center yourself, Jin Ling. Just… mother's charm. He digs for it in the pile of things and floods with relief once it's in his hands again. This ugly worn feather is something he could never forgive himself for losing. Not when it was one of the few keepsakes left of her and his father as well.
Even if any power it might have once had to protect had long since faded. There was a time though when he was crying after the other kids in the Jin sect bullied him where his Uncle Guangyao and his cousin Jin Rusong had sat together eating new sweets after his had been stomped on by his bullies under one of the pavilions.
Sometimes Jin Ling missed Jin Rusong even if they never spoke much. He was clumsy and awkward not mention constantly sick, but he'd had a kind smile. It was the closest he'd ever come to having a sibling in his life and he wished it had lasted. It was while they were eating that Uncle Guangyao said he'd found something that he thought he should have.
"What is it?"
"It was your mother's protection charm."
Back then the feather had been so bright and vibrant and the beads and knotting attached pristine. It was so beautiful like he thought mother must have been. He didn't believe it when people said she was ugly because both of his uncle's said Jin Ling resembled her and Jin Ling knew he was not that.
"The feather was your father's. I was keeping it safe until you were old enough to treat it responsibly."
The feather had been warm and he knew it worked. "Uncle, what if it doesn't work at all?"
"Do you doubt your father's strength?"
Jin Ling had shaken his head frantically. "It's just… won't I bother them so much they never come? What if it never works?"
"I promise, it does."
It only ever worked the one time when a bully had tried to punch him in the face and the charm had blocked the attack. After that the warmth was gone but Jin Ling couldn't forget that fact. That… that he was looked after like that from beyond even if it was just once.
Enough musing though, Jin Ling took note of where he was and took note of two figures curled on the other bed and jumped in shock. No way! No way! That lunatic was here and why?
Not to mention Hanguang-Jun shamelessly cuddling with Mo Xuanyu together in the same room as a junior… What is this world coming to?! So of course, he let out a shriek and of course the two men startled awake with a jolt; and as to be expected of such a chaotic moment Mo Xuanyu screamed as well and for whatever reason pushed Hanguang-Jun away as he tumbled off the bed.
"What were you- like that- here- and-!" Jin Ling exclaimed and for Mo Xuanyu's face was a vivid scarlet while Hanguang-Jun looked as firm as a sheet of ice.
"We didn't- we- cuddling! We were just cuddling!"
"Cuddling?!"
And in this moment of absolute horror that took place before it was even five in the morning a realization struck Jin Ling. Hanguang-Jun is gay.
Hanguang-Jun is gay.
Hanguang-Jun is fucking gay!
And despite knowing it was rude the realization made him scream again.
It took forever for the group to calm down. Well, it took forever for Jin Ling to calm down and it took a bit less, but not nearly as much time as he wanted personally for freaking out, for Wei Wuxian to calm down. Lan Wangji was just calm.
Well outwardly it looked that way but Wei Wuxian was certain given the fact he somehow was paler than mutton fat that he too was rattled with shame. Yes, this is indeed the worst timeline.
So much for Lan Wangji's unnatural sleep schedule letting them slip around this incident entirely. It took ages to get Jin Ling to stop awkwardly sputtering and for them to explain that nothing happened. No.
Absolutely nothing. Just men cuddling like men do.
Holding each other close and apparently nose to nose with their legs wrapped around each other and- oh god, oh god it gets worse the more he thinks about it!
Can I die again? Please. I would like to end it now.
Jin Ling was staying firmly as far away as he could possibly in the room without looking awkward. Which was very impressive considering he looked five seconds away from jumping out the window. Listen, Wei Wuxian would also like to erase this and pretend nothing happened but it has and they all have to live with it. Him especially.
You're not the one who made a whole bluff about pretending to be in love with Lan Zhan, kid. I'm supposed to be both into this and somewhat insane
"I feel we need to rationally discuss what has happened today and by today I do mean yesterday and by yesterday, I mean the man-eating castle incident. Should I start? I can start."
"How are you both that shameless? You I understand but Hanguang-jun…"
"It was emotional support cuddling. Nothing shameless here." Wei Wuxian laughed hopelessly.
"It was very shameless. Apologies," Lan Wangji mutters and he looks like he's five minutes away from hanging himself off the roof. God, why do the Lan's have to be so uptight. Yes, this was extremely inappropriate but Lan Wangji is making him worried.
I want to die as much as the next guy but we have priorities
Wei Wuxian gave a wide grin and hoped it wasn't that awkward- who is even kidding with that statement? "Ah, Jin Ling when we found you you're body wasn't exactly human. Can you explain?"
It was enough of a detraction from the mess that was -that- for Jin Ling to stop looking like he swallowed poison. "Then it really wasn't a dream. You saw it? What was I?"
"When we were inside, we found your belongings next to a Shishi that was asleep by the wall and luckily realized it was you. What happened?"
And so an explanation is weaved of Jin Ling heading inside and what he found and the sensation that hit him before he collapsed. That he remembered feeling the need to guard and act in the role of a real Shishi while he was in there. "Do you know what caused it? Was it the castle?"
Jin Ling shook his head hesitantly like he'd wanted to lie but couldn't hold it in. "No… a few days ago I- I caused a scare because my body started turning on its own. It was stopped but when I went inside it started again. I know my personality is somewhat rotten but there's no way I'm criminal enough to turn into a Shishi like that! I'm not so weak or horrid to just change like this! I'm not like those idiot disciples at Koi Tower who started growing feathers."
So it really is going on everywhere and whatever behind it was cruel and wicked enough to even try to remove an heir to two sects. A powerplay if there ever was one. Jin Ling's knuckles were white from clenching his fists in rage and likely fear. A fear that was understandable and horrific as Jin Ling tried to keep that scowl and angry composed look that he'd picked up from Jiang Cheng.
"No, you're a good kid no matter how much a brat. It just seems something has been hurt inside your core but it's been removed so you should be better. You don't feel sick do you? No odd thoughts?"
He swallows and pauses before speaking, "No. I feel… I feel normal. Sore but normal."
"You should go home. Your uncle is probably worried sick," Wei Wuxian could practically hear Jiang Cheng screaming obscenities from here. "Not to mention, if this happens again then he can stop it like he did before. Whether you like it or not the fact this happened to you means you need to be careful."
"No. I can't."
"Whatever argument you had you need to get over it because he is family and he wants to know you're okay." Jin Ling sneers and crosses his arms. At least he's okay from the looks of it.
"What would you know about family, lunatic?" It's less a question and more of a vicious spit in his face and Wei Wuxian sighs because it really isn't his place to butt in.
He stands up and brushes himself off, "As long as you're okay that's all I need to hear. If anything happens run home or do you want to spend the rest of your life guarding houses? Hanguang-Jun I believe we should set about investigating the Nei sect today and seeing if we can get a few answers."
"Mn."
Jin Ling shot up, "You're just gonna leave me behind?"
"Like I said, children should run home while adults handle these sorts of things. Besides I might have been able to fix it this time but I lack the ingredients now for the solution so if you start changing I won't be able to do anything for you."
Without the Rabbit blood he didn't have enough of a medium in between without a risk to himself and while he was willing he wouldn't be able to handle fixing Jin Ling again this soon. Not when he hadn't yet expelled the current corruption from last night.
He felt it roiling around in his chest biting away and as careless as Wei Wuxian could be he was not interested in relieving his greatest hits. Or worse hearing that voice again.
Hearing it in a nightmare is different than hearing it in broad daylight. Dreams are often lies and I know my dreams are especially horrendous. I mean what it said last time has to have been a cruel joke.
Looking at Lan Wangji and those stripes on his face and noting the fuzziness seeming to have finally gotten to that part of him he swallowed. Wei Wuxian won't let it happen. He won't. He won't because it's not what someone like Lan Wangji deserves even if it is inevitable.
I don't even know how to do more than just delay it
The blood he'd put in the tea since they left didn't even seem to have an effect. Wei Wuxian knew why of course but admitting his attempt to hold off and even reverse the transformation had failed made him feel awful.
I already twisted his mind enough that Lan Zhan was convinced we were… I don't even know. Lan Zhan sure acted like he'd lost his wife or something. I mean he willingly hugged me even though he thinks I'm a stranger. Well… it could be some part of him knows subconsciously and acted on that bias and not to mention there really isn't anything wrong with deep emotional embraces between men. Absolutely nothing if you ignore… details.
Last night while trying to escape one of his many times before giving up Lan Wangji had tearfully murmured in his sleep, "Wei Ying." And his reaction had been just so needlessly sad and heartbroken in a way clawed at Wei Wuxian's heart. That desperate plea for him to be lying about his own death in search of comfort.
Fuck. There are only so many ways I can avoid acknowledging the obvious. Even if I broke it completely and just let him go unless I removed myself from his mind he'd probably still think he loved me. That he wanted to love me of his own will.
If it were only a few days since his death and not thirteen years doing that would be so easy. So fixable and then Lan Wangji could go back to hating him like he's supposed to. But it's not and the spell has sat in Lan. It can't be anymore. Wei Wuxian is really the worst sort of villain in this scenario.
His pity party is interrupted by Jin Ling spitting, "You can't stop me from following you if it's what I want."
"I mean I can't, but I will do everything in my power to make you uncomfortable if need be. For example, Hanguang-Jun and I might be as crass as to embrace in tenderly affection passions that you're too immature to handle."
The look on Lan Wangji's face says otherwise on that happening at all but luckily it's enough to make Jin Ling back off completely and let off a frustrated huff of whatever and mutter about he's going to go get Fairy and that if Wei Wuxian is smart he'll watch himself.
Without saying a word the two off them walk out and refuse to make eye contact with the knowledge they will be visiting their old friend Nei Huaisang and see what he's been up to because Wei Wuxian has a lot of suspicions. A lot.
"So about last night… are we gonna talk about that?" Because Wei Wuxian may not want to, but it did happen and it was awkward and a third party saw so it's not like they can pretend it never happened.
Lan Wangji keeps looking forward and away like eye contact will cause them to burst into flames. It's so much awkward silence as they walk.
I go back on this hiding my identity thing this will all get so much worse. Do I double down on my bluff? Do it? Do it even though this might be stupidest idea I might have had in years.
Which given everything Wei Wuxian has ever done that's saying a lot. Lan Wangji finally gives him one shattering glance over and the craving for death is ever present. "I would like it best if we forgoed it entirely."
"Um… If I may have one question… did you- what did you think of the Yiling Patriarch. All the stories and rumors say you hated him and last night- Hanguang-Jun your response was so…"
If looks could kill Wei Wuxian would have died eighty-three times by now, and yes, he has been counting. After an anxiety inducing stretch of silence that spanned for eternity and then some Lan Wangji says coldly, "You're of that persuasion. You figure it out."
I deserve to be pierced with ten thousand needles and strung up in the fiery pits with my tongue removed. Lan Zhan I really did ruin you. Not only has your body been slowly changing into a Baihu but I even ruined your chances for love and romance.
"I… I will stop my pursuits in earnest if you desire it. I imagine that it is embarrassing to be flirted on by someone like me. Especially given that I am not the best sort of person."
And Lan Wangji seemed to slightly stumble, "It is… it is not completely abhorred."
Despite the fact it was fully unnecessary he coated the white powder that remained in his supplies over his face nervously to hide the redness of his skin.
Lan Wangji you're supposed to reject me completely! Don't you know that!? But… I guess at the end of the day he'll always know it's me somewhere in there- and oh, what a mess!
And for whatever reason the thought makes his chest flutter.
"Come. I'm not interested in wasting time."
"Yes…"
Lan Zhan is in love with me. Lan Zhan is in love with me. That is terrifying
The white powder is working so hard to cover his blush. It would be funny and silly if the circumstances for why weren't so awful. If it was… if Lan Wangji cared about him of his own volition and not because Wei Wuxian warped his will. He'd always wanted to be close.
A dear friend that Lan Wangji would count on. Someone that stood with him and called him an equal.
But he understood. The man Wei Wuxian was had been a villain of villains. A monster biting flesh and he didn't blame people for not joining him on that straight and narrow plank. Not with what that path was and where that path was leading.
i've drawn a lot of bunnies lately and a stupid drawing of lan zhan in a i am the moon moon shirt
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felinisdoesart . post/629443830382559232/i-love-mdzs-a-lot-and-i-often-laugh-when-i-think