Chapter 24: Break it down

Q paused only for a moment after 6 left to put his Greaves face on and enable the camera's before slipping out, 1 in his wake. Wayland sighed. What a night. Well at least his boredom was relieved. He had gone out to relieve it with sex but had found an acceptable alternative. He didn't have much taste for sex anyway. Africa had cured him of that. Rape was far too common there for women to have a taste for fun sex. His work involved working with or for the warlords. Violence was a much greater part of his work then it was for the other double-0's, sexual violence included. He wondered sometimes if he should give up on sex altogether but then, once in a while, he had an encounter, work or otherwise, that proved that he still had the desire for it. Usually with shy women who glowed when you gave them attention. Who were soft and considerate. He was always very open about this being a one-night only thing and, while disappointed, most accepted it. Those nights were beautiful and made him feel more alive than anything else did. Even the reward of his work didn't weigh up to it. He always thought about quitting by the end of such nights but he knew it wasn't in the books for him. He had an itch that needed scratching with blood and violence and he wasn't what those women deserved. But once in a while he could long for a different life.

He was just about to leave for the bunk room when he noticed he wasn't the only one left behind in the gym. 1's kid was sitting on the bench press, staring into nothing. He appeared deep in thought at first before he noticed just how fast the kid was breathing. His lips were moving too. Mumbling very fast. It took him a few seconds to decipher. "I can't do it. I can't do it." Over and over. He walked over and knelt in the kid's field of vision. The glazed eyes didn't see him. Only when he touched him did he get a reaction. The kid jumped and his eyes snapped up.

"009." The kid said breathlessly.

"Slow your breathing, kid. You're all right. Nothing here's going to hurt you. You're fine. Just breath in deeply and hold it a little before you take another. That's it. You're okay…" He coached the kid through breathing. He let go and stepped back when the kid was breathing normally again knowing he could be intimidating. What he didn't expect was for the kid to go on a rant.

"What the hell. What the bloody fuck. Why does everyone make keep making decisions for me. First 007, then 001 and now Q does it too. Just deciding to turn me into a bodyguard. And now a handler for you lot. And no one asked me for my opinion. I can't do this. Why does everyone keep fucking seeing things in me that I can't do. I can't do this. I can't." Tears started streaming down Jordan's face and the breathing pace increased again. He appeared to be drowning in expectations. 'Shit and now I've got to deal with this.' Wayland grumbled. 'Why the fuck did the kid choose me to unload his crap on.' He wasn't good at this, he knew, but maybe that was just what the kid needed. Not a shoulder to cry on but some serious talking to. He sighed, settled against the boxing ring and crossed his arms.

"Right. Slow down kid or you'll start hyperventilating again. And stop crying because it will get you nowhere. Keep taking deep breaths." He said gruffly. The kid pulled a face but did as he was told. The breathing slowed again though the tears kept coming.

"Right. Now, I've listened to you, now you're going to listen to me. It sounds to me like you've got two problems. First everyone keeps making decisions for you. And second you believe 1 and Q have high expectations of you. True?" He asked. The kid nodded.

"Both are easy to solve." The kid looked at him in disbelief which he squashed immediately. The kid asked him for help the least he could do was listen and learn. "Don't look at me like that. If I tell you there are easy fixes then there are easy fixes." He said with a glare. The kid cowed a bit but nodded for him to continue.

"Now your first problem. People make decisions for you for only one of three reasons. The first is necessity. The second stupidity and the third indecisiveness. What 007 did was the first option. He needed you and needed you trained so he made it happen. You could've protested off course. My guess is you didn't?" Jordan shook his head.

"Why didn't you?" He asked. The kid frowned.

"Didn't know it was an option." He said as he shook his head.

"That's a lie. Try again." The kid winced at the harsh reply but Wayland wasn't there to protect sensibilities.

"I was scared." Was Jordan's very hesitant second attempt.

"Bullshit. You're not scared of double-0's. You've proven that clear as day or you wouldn't have chosen me for your little breakdown. Sure, the situation might have scared you. But you still committed to the training. You completed it in record time even. Why? And don't give me a bullshit answer this time. Think about it. Really think it through." He said. It was quiet for a long time. The kid seemed in discussion with himself. Throwing in arguments and then countering them. Finally, he looked up, calmer than he had been since this started.

"I wanted to help my country and I wanted to help Q." He answered with a surety in his voice. "This way I could do both."

"Do you regret it?" Wayland asked.

"No." Was the immediate response.

"Good." He said with a satisfied nod. One had been bragging about her student's dedication. It was good to see it in person. The kid would make one hell of an agent when he was ready. "Now the second reason is not the issue. You're a smart kid and you make smart decisions. No one needs to keep you from making bad ones. No, your problem is the third reason. You don't make choices, or you don't make them known, so others make choices for you. In this case, what 1 and Q are doing is giving you options. They are introducing you to the many aspects of their prospective fields, as quickly as you can handle. They both want you in their field. All you have to do is decide what you want to do and they will back off."

"Is that what they're doing?" The kid whispered as if he was seeing the light. "So, I just have to make my own decision? It's that easy?" He sounded a little sceptical.

"Well. Choosing is not easy. And just so you know if you choose to be an agent 1 is going to up the pressure even more. One of the aspects of a good soldier and a good agent is they keep their heads in adversity. It's the other reason they keep throwing more and more on you. You keep doing well enough so they give you more to handle." Wayland finally laid out for him.

"But I can't do all that." Jordan said with utter conviction in his voice.

"Bullshit." He shot down the protest with the same conviction.

"What?" The kid gaped. Wayland rolled his eyes and elaborated.

"I called you out on your bullshit. You are far more capable than you think." He said.

"Not you too." The kid groaned putting his head in his hands. Wayland rolled his eyes.

"Oh, stop being so dramatic, kid. You completed basics in a week. You went on a mission with a double-0. You took on bodyguard duty. You tracked down a hacker of a level rivalling Q. You exceeded every expectation anyone could have of you. 1 thinks so. Q thinks so. You're capable." Jordan looked at him, his eyes full of doubt.

"But…" He started and then stopped, shaking his head.

"But what?" Wayland pressed.

"But I feel so out of my depth." The kid whispered.

"You're supposed to. Agents have to be able to perform under stress." He said simply.

"But what if something happens and I can't…" The kid said and Wayland groaned and silently cursed the stupidity of perfectionists.

"Jesus, kid. It's not other people's expectations you should be worried about. It's your own. You are a junior agent. You haven't even finished your training yet. Off course there are going to be moments where you're going to screw up. That's what 1 and Q are for. It's not like you're alone. You can ask for help, you know. I know you're better at that than you are at saying no. You've done that before, true?"

"Yeah." Jordan said breathlessly, probably thinking back to when he'd asked Q for help when catching MU3RT0S. The kid finally seemed to calm down.

"So, in short. Consider your options, make your own choices and ask for help when you need it." He said getting up from where he leaning against the fighting ring. Jordan also got to his feet.

"Thank you." He said a little embarrassed.

"No problem, kid. Now go home, get some sleep. You've been up for about 24 hours now. I'll tell 1 where you've gone." The kid nodded gratefully and slipped out of the gym. He'd hoped to get some shut eye too before his shift but with 30 minutes left that wasn't going to happen. He might as well relieve 6 and start the day early. He really hoped Q's idea worked because he was sick and tired of hanging around. Africa was calling to him.