Day 69

Morning sickness hit me like a motherfucker from the moment I woke up. I was throwing up from the moment I left the tent, the sun only starting to pale the sky. I drank some water and laid down again, but was able to nap for just a few minutes when I had to do it all over again. Only when I was able to drink water without wasting it I left our tent area and approached the others. Carol was up and about for what looked like a while, because she was already hanging washed clothes on a line we had extended yesterday.

"Morning," she said to me. "How are you feeling?"

"Uh… You saw that."

"Heard you. How far along are you now?

"Thirteen, fourteen weeks by now, I guess," I told her as I sat in a log near her.

"Oh, that's about the end of your first trimester," she smiled at me. "Morning sickness will be over very soon, you'll see."

"I hope so… There's too much to do, can't be getting sick all the time."

"You need to eat something. Mr. Greene was saying yesterday that they'd give us some milk from their cows. You could use the calcium."

I just nodded, the idea of eating a bowlful of milk with a very sugary cereal very appealing to me, too bad we didn't have any very sugary cereal.

"Speaking of it, I had an idea," Carol said after my pause. "That big kitchen of theirs got me thinking. I wouldn't mind cooking in a real kitchen again. Maybe we'll pitch in and cook diner for Hershel and his family tonight."

"I wouldn't mind having a real dinner either… Oh, a thick, warm homemade soup would be soooo nice right now."

Carol smiled at me, "And there are the cravings."

"Pfff, these days, to get cravings? I'm so fucked…"

"Hey, it will be fine. We'll all do our best."

"Thanks…" I said weakly. "I like the dinner idea. They've just lost someone, it's just something people do, right? And they're doing so much for us…"

"You mind extending the invitation?"

"Sure… Tonight, you think?"

"Yes, if they agree. I need to keep doing something… Keep my mind occupied."

"I get it," I got up from the log. "You do that and let us keep looking," I stood near her. "I ain't feeling well enough to go out there with the others today, but I'll help'em organize the search. We ain't giving up, and Daryl sure as hell ain't giving up. You can count on that."

Carol gave me a tight lipped, watery smile, "Thank you, Sam."

Lori approached just then, as I was ready to leave, "I can't believe I slept in," she was saying.

"You must have needed it," Carol answered, returning to her laundry.

"All the scare," I said already taking a step to leave them. "You were exhausted, I bet. We all deserve some occasional rest."

I did turn to go but Lori called me back, "Uh, Sam? Can I talk to you?"

She sounded a bit nervous and it didn't feel like she had just woken up, so I knew it had to be something important.

"Sure. Can it wait a bit, though? I need to get today's search going with the men, but I ain't going with them, then we can talk."

She nodded with a little smile that didn't reach her eyes and it got me apprehensive. I thought it probably would have something to do with the talk I'd ha with her husband yesterday, about staying here or not. But I'd know later.

To the side of the tent area, a few of the man and Andrea were gathered around the same car again, waiting for something, so I marched over there.

"Morning all," I got to them saying. Daryl was there and I forced myself not to smile too largely at him. He greeted me with a nod and then unfolded the map that was there on the hood of the car. We all stayed there for a while, looking at the map, defining groups and search areas.

"That mean you ain't going?" Daryl asked me.

"Not a good day for me. Morning sickness came to bite me in the ass just when I thought it was gone. I'd be stalling you stopping to hurl every five minutes. Gotta go do just that in a moment."

He looked worried at me for another long moment, but we didn't keep talking because that boy who'd been around the farm with the Greene's since we arrived, Jimmy, I recognized him as Beth's boyfriend, approached saying he wanted to help. Great, something happens to him it's two people on our account.

Shane arrived then with his attitude, shirt open showing pecks. Nice pecks like those in a guy like Shane did nothing for me though.

"Nothing about what you two found screams Sophia to me. Anyone could be holed up in that farmhouse."

'Anyone includes her, right?" Andrea rebated.

"Whoever slept in the cupboard was no bigger than yay-high," Daryl sad gesturing the size of a small person.

"It was a tiny space," I confirmed. "It's good lead, and by now the only one we got."

"Maybe we'll pick up her trail again," Rick agreed with us.

"No maybe 'bout it," Daryl said leaving no room for questions. "Imma borrow a horse, head to this ridge right here," he said pointing an area at the map, "take a bird's eye view of the whole grid. She's up there, I'll spot'er."

"Good idea," Theo said and I knew he was mocking. Seriously, mocking the plan of the one person in the group could actually find Sophia? "Maybe you'll your chupacabra up there too."

Oh, here we go. I knew one day this was going to be mentioned again. Dale explained to Rick's question what Theo meant. Apparently on our first night as group, still at the road before the quarry, when a group of all of us women were chatting, the men had done the same and Daryl had told a story about one day when he was out hunting he'd seen something and was sure it'd been a chupacabra. When he told me that I didn't disbelieve, I mean, I never believe in many things that were true to us all these days.

Jimmy laughed at it and became the recipient of Daryl's annoyance, "What you braying at, jackass?"

"You believe in a blood-sucking dog?" Rick also didn't have it.

"You believe in dead people walking around?" Daryl asked and Rick had no answer for that.

After that Jimmy wanted a gun, didn't have it, the whole old story. He ended up being put in a team with Andrea and Theo, since they were the one who'd come back sooner to the farm because Theo wasn't still fully recovered from all his blood loss. I put Rick and Shane together and Daryl was going alone. He didn't need back-up.

I should have sent someone with him.

But he'd never agree anyway.

As I left the house, where I had gone to use the bathroom and ended up throwing up again, I found Glenn on the porch, looking out thoughtfully as he fingered the guitar Dale had found on the road. I was going to sit we him to chat a little, but Lori was at the tents looking pointedly at me. So I just smiled at Glenn and made my way to her. Lori, seeing me coming, walked away from the tents, going a bit further into the trees and I found her sitting on log, holding her hands together between her knees.

"What happened?" I asked noticing her nervousness.

"I need to talk to you."

"Are you okay?" I asked as I sat by her side, facing her and touching her arm.

"I'm pregnant."

Blank. Nothing came to my mind to say.

"You - what?" was what I was able to stutter out.

"I – I'm pregnant. Too."

I just let my mouth hang open. Pregnant.

Fuck.

"Oh-kay…" I managed. "That's uh…" Ok Sam, stop faking, Lori's a grown woman. "Well, fuck."

"Yeah," she agreed, looking away. "Fuck."

I blew air out, my cheeks ballooning up for a moment. "How can you be sure?"

"Glenn brought me a test from their pharmacy run yesterday. I asked him not to tell anybody."

"Ok… Does Rick know?"

"Haven't told him yet. I don't know how he'll react."

"Well, Rick's great with Carl, I don't think he'll have a problem with a second –"

"Sam," she said simply and I looked at her. She was giving me a meaningful look that I took a moment to understand.

Oh.

Rick had only been back with her, from his coma, for like a week. It was a real, very, very long week where so much ad happened, that it felt like it'd been months, but that was it. Seven, eight days.

Baby wasn't Rick's.

"Oh."

"I did the math; you did the math. He will too."

We were silent for another moment, my mind going overdrive again. Two pregnant women. We needed a plan. I needed to make decisions, set up a plan, there was so much to be done in the months before our babies were born.

"Only six months to go before mine," I said. "Eight or so for yours, you think?"

"Yes, sounds about right. It's not a lot of time," and she lowered her elbows to her knees, hiding her face with a huff. "I can't believe this happened…"

"Hey, it's okay," I told her recognizing the first desperation signs I'd had myself. I didn't want her to go through them as well. "You ain't gonna be alone in this," I placed a hand on her shoulders making her look sideways at me, her head resting in a hand. "None of us are. It's why we have a group for, so nothing gotta be faced alone. Especially this."

She kept looking at me for a moment, shaking her head and then gave me a little smile, "I find it incredible how positive you manage to keep eve when facing all of this."

"Being negative won't make me survive. Desperation won't find my baby a safe place to be born and grow up in."

"You're right. I know that, but right now, I'm just – I…" she huffed again.

"I know how you feel. Been there not long ago."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Your baby... Is it really not Daryl's?"

I laughed, looking away from Lori no my own boots. "No... It really ain't his."

"Well... He sure acts like it is, always protective over you… Setting your tent with his away from the others," and then she looked at me sideways, lowering her head to find my eyes and give me another meaningful look, "Giving you foot rubs."

"Oh, uh…" I paused to laugh nervously. Was I blushing? I think I was blushing, dammit. "You saw that."

"Yeah, I did see that… I was going to take my test far from the others and there you were, lying down getting your feet rubbed!", she was smiling widely now.

"Yeah, it's just... That's just Daryl. He's really protective. You see how he's with Sophia."

"Hm, true. But there's something there, isn't it?"

"Me and Daryl?" I asked just to stall the answer, because it her question had been really obvious.

"Yes, he doesn't talk much with anyone else, except maybe Carol now with the Sophia thing – but even then not as much as with you. You two are always around each other."

"We are. Yeah, but… It's not like that... Or at least... I mean, we grew up nearby, never had much contact but we were always seeing each other around, but what got us close was... Well... Something happened right before the outbreak."

"Between you two?"

I laughed, "Not that! I mean... Well, two guys Daryl and Merle knew broke into my house to attack me."

Her expression changed immediately "Oh, God."

"Yeah, and I fought them, and then Daryl and Merle came into my house to help me, they'd heard the fight. They protected me just because I'd been their neighbor, not even a friend. And that night was the first time we saw people turning into walkers, you know, so I think it brought us close together."

"How did they turn? Were they bit?"

"Well, if it's by being bit that people turn, the first guy probably had been bitten before, I don't know. Because after he died there in my living room, he got up and bit his friend."

Lori shook her head, her eyes wide, "I have so many questions! You... killed the guy?"

Oh, the sound of judgement. I looked at Lori dead in the eye and told her with no hesitation in my voice, "He was on top of me trying to lower my pants with his other hand around my neck," I paused. "What'd you think I should've done?"

Lori swallowed hard in silence and nodded after a moment. "I see... You're right. As hard as it is to admit, I'd probably do the same."

"A sense of self-preservation kicks in, Lori. I didn't even plan to push that knife into his neck. All I know is that I was not raped that night."

Lori nodded again and looked down, her understanding it hitting her, "So he then turned."

"Yeah, it was the first one we saw. He just got up, attacked his friend and then he turned too, and it was all a mess."

"I see... Those things have the power to bring people together or just do them apart for good."

"Well, it did this group together. And we'll stay like this," I reached for Lori's hand. "You and I are bringing new people to the world, people who will help us still have a future even with all that happening. Seems the world hasn't ended after all!"

Lori smiled tightly at me and squeezed my hand back, shaking it a bit, "Thank you, Sam."

"Nothing to thank me for."

"Yeah, I do. We all do and you know it."

I let go of her hand looking away, "Oh, come on..."

"At least let me thank you for being so supportive to me?" I looked again at Lori, "And even more for not judging me."

I was genuinely confused about the last bit and asked "Why would I judge you?"

"Well, for… Being pregnant when my - my husband wasn't around."

Oh, that.

"Lori, listen to me. You won't let anybody judge you for that. I'll easily defy anyone who does. I know you and I haven't agreed on everything since the beginning, but it don't matter. I'll be on your side on this one. You thought your husband was dead, you were scared, alone, and you found comfort in someone you trusted. There is nothing wrong with that. I personally don't like Shane a lot and everybody knows that, but he was the person you trusted the most then, who had your back, who was taking care of you and your son. And dammit, you were a fuckin' widow for all you knew, so you didn't cheat on anyone. Please, don't feel guilty about this, it ain't your fault."

She had tears in her eyes as I spoke and her hand was gripping mine strongly. She said "Oh, dammit, come here," before pulling me to a tight hug.

Andrea, Theo and Jimmy were back. Rick and Shane were back – and man, you could cut the air around them with a knife. Something bad had happened, they were throwing each other dirty looks and staying apart. I got really worried for Lori, because it had seemed to me Shane might have told Rick about their short lived relationship, but when I saw Rick talking normally to Lori I knew it had to be something else.

So they were all back from the search, with no news whatsoever… All, except for Daryl. He'd been gone for hours now and we were in the late afternoon already, the sun approaching the horizon. He had to be back by now.

"One of my horses is missing," was what Mr. Greene used to open the conversation as he approached me by the stalls.

"Missing?"

"Yes, unaccounted for. Do you happen to know anything about this?"

"Yes, I actually do, but I thought you knew. Daryl went out to search on a horse today, I thought he'd spoken to you first."

"He did not," he said firmly.

Damn, Daryl. "I'm sorry about that, I'll talk to him."

"And Jimmy? You sent him out with your group today. Did he also give you the impression of my consent?"

"He did. I asked him if you were fine with it and he said you allowed it and only had to speak to me."

"Jimmy is seventeen."

"Seventeen-year-old people can already understand the concept of a lie, Mr. Greene."

"He's a minor, and he's not my kin, but he's my responsibility. These things need to be cleared with me."

I nodded, quiet. He was right. I didn't think Jimmy shouldn't be held accountable for his lie – goddammit what if something had happened to him out there? But Mr. Greene was right.

"I'll talk to my group," I told him. "I'll watch over them and any decision we have to make, I'll run by you first.

"I'd appreciate that, Sam. You control your people, I control mine."

Control my people... You'd think with a bunch of adults who had whole lives before, responsibilities, you could count on their own common sense, but he was right. They needed leadership or they'd just keep sending people down wells.

The women were inside the house preparing dinner, all except for me and Andrea. I was pacing, trying to find something to do, considering going to cook with them inside, but I couldn't. I was worried when I shouldn't be. I mean, it was Daryl, the was tough, be knew what he was doing, he was fine and would be hell of annoyed if he knew I'd been worrying that much.

And then Andrea distracted me from the worries when she climbed up the RV and took Dale's rifle and stood in watch. I didn't know Shane had placed her in watch… He'd specifically gotten approval for a gun on site if it was for Dale to lookout, and now there she was, all pose.

"What's with the Annie Oakley routine?" Dale beat me to ask, looking up at her.

"I don't wanna wash clothes anymore, Dale," she said looking down at him and then saw me there too, "I wanna help keep the camp safe", and then used a defying tone, passive-aggressiveness all over her voice, "is that alright with you?"

"I ain't the one you should run this by, Andrea, you know that. Ask Shane before just picking up a gun and taking over. You didn't even get much training anyway!"

She rolled her eyes, not even bothering to hide how annoyed she was by my leading. God, I really, really disliked her. I turned around to go talk to Shane, because she hadn't moved a muscle to go do as I said, when she called out.

"Walker! Walker!"

I turned to look at where she was pointing, squinting and making a shade over my eyes, and there it was, a walker had just left the trees and was walking towards the camp. Rick, Shane, Theo, everyone who was around came running, ready.

"It's just one," I informed them as they approached me.

"I bet I can nail it from here!" Andrea said picking up the rifle she'd let go to use the binoculars.

"No!" I shouted. "Put the gun down, Andrea, shooting is our last resource, and we've all told you many times."

"We'll handle this," Shane told us all and he, Rick and Theo took off in the walker's direction. Three men for one walker? They had it. I didn't even bother to go there. I really wasn't worried.

"Andrea, don't!" I heard Dale say and looked up at the RV to see Andrea lying down, taking aim.

"Back off, Dale," she told him and armed the rifle.

"The fuck you think you're doing, Andrea?" I asked up at her. "They have it!" she didn't move. "Andrea, I'm talking to you! Do not shoot! The noise will attract more walkers and you'll just waste a bullet!"

The sound of her shot deafened me for a second, made Dale and I flinch. I wasn't expecting t, I really thought she was going to stop and not shoot, all angry and whatever, but she just fucking did it anyway. She laughed in joy when she hit the target, the walker falling to the ground.

"God fuckin' dammit, Andrea!" I shouted, but mine were not the only shouts. Rick was yelling "No!" from a distance and Andrea was getting up on the RV, looking worried.

"Andrea, please don't tell me you hit one of them!"

"Oh no," she was saying. "No, no, no!"

She'd hit someone. I was sure she had and my stomach went cold and my right wrist and my palm ached like a bitch. I took off in their direction, the sun blinding me, Andrea and Dale quickly catching up. This time I wouldn't hold myself, I'd bitch slap her in the face.

But everything around me froze and went silent from a second to another. I stopped, they kept on running. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe. It was like I was underwater with no air and the sounds muffled. It was Daryl, being carried by Rick and Shane, limp, lifeless, bloodied from head to toe. I heard nothing, Rick said something to me as they passed but I didn't register, just turned to follow them with my eyes as they took Daryl to the house.

Someone dragged me away, I think it was Glenn, gently making me walk because I was still frozen. They had entered the house minutes ago now and I was still there. The only things that unfroze me was the sight of Andrea and Dale sitting on the porch steps.

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Dale was telling her. "At some point, we've all wanted to shoot Daryl."

I felt my blood boil, saw red as people say, as I marched up to them. They saw me arriving and got startled. I stopped in front of Andrea and leaned town to level with her.

"You listen to me, Andrea," she had her eyes wide, frozen looking at me. "Daryl dies; I will kill you. I. Will. Fucking. Kill you," I paused for effect. "This conversation ain't over, do you hear me?" and I turned to look at Dale. "Have we all wanted to shoot Daryl? For what? Hunting and bringing back meat to feed us all this time? Teaching everyone how to deal with walkers? Getting himself in danger to look for Sophia?" I straightened my back and looked down from one to another, they stunned faces thrilling me. "Daryl's more useful to this group than the two of you combined."

At that I stormed up the steps between them and entered the house. The women in the kitchen were still cooking but looked startled at me across the dining room, looking worried, especially Carol. I said nothing and ran up the stairs. I needed to see him, know if he was alive, if Andrea's aim had been that good and what the hell had all that blood on his shirt and on his chin been. Was he bit? I was praying for a God I wasn't even sure I believed in that he wasn't bit.

Rick was outside a closed door and saw me approach, and took quick steps to meet me halfway.

"He's fine," was what he immediately said at my probably desperate expression. I didn't really register it well, though. "It was just a graze; it didn't really hit him. Sam?" he said to make me look at him because I'd been trying to look at the closed door over his shoulder. I looked up at him, "Daryl's fine. He's not dead, not bit. He's hurt, but he'll be fine."

Oh. Good. Great, good to hear. But I had to see him.

"Where's he now?"

"Hershel's insisted he got cleaned up before stitching him. Was not an easy argument," he attempted a joke to lighten the mood. "When he's washed up he'll get stitches to his side and his head, and he'll be as good as new."

I must have visibly relaxed because Rick let go of my arms, also looking calmer. I hadn't even noticed he'd been holding me by the upper arms.

"Ok," I said. "Good. Ok, that – that's good."

I stayed on the hallway with Rick, quiet for a while, still pacing from one end of it to another for a while until the bathroom door was opened. Hershel came out helping Daryl walk. He was wearing clean pants and no shirt and was guided across the hall to a bedroom. I don't think he saw me there, Rick entered right after them and I got to the door, hovering there for a moment. Hershel motioned Daryl to lay on his side so he wouldn't press on the wound, and put a clean cloth in his hand telling him to pressure the head wound. But he was fine. Breathing, talking, complaining, saying something about a doll. Shane passed by me then, all but ignoring my presence, carrying the same rolled up map we'd been using to plan the searches, and he and Rick started asking Daryl questions about the location, where he'd found it, and Daryl explained it all as if there was no needle being poked into his skin as he talked. Lori came then, standing by me wordlessly. Hershel said something about the missing horse as well, but I didn't care, not at all. As he left the room, he stopped to look at me at the threshold and said, "it's a wonder you people have survived this long."

I said nothing but noticed Daryl looked at me then, I think only now noticing I'd been there. I gave room for Hershel to leave and took a step into the room as Shane got up from his chair and left the room. Lori followed him to say something, both of them stopping on the same hallway but a bit ahead of he with hushed voices. Rick was still in there, I could hear him and Daryl still talking. I had no idea what to do. I wanted to go in and tell Rick to get the hell out so I could be alone with Daryl, but at the same time, what would I say? If I said anything right now I'd demonstrate all I was feeling, how terrified I was of losing him, how much it had hurt to think he was dead, how lost I'd be without him, that I didn't want to do any of this surviving thing if he wasn't there by my side.

I turned to leave, overwhelmed with my own conclusion.

I was in love with Daryl.