A/N: M-Rating for this chapter

October 3, 1968

Shelagh's hands scrabbled over the bedsheets and clenched them tight in her fists. The stunning diamond engagement ring on her finger glinted in the low light of the bedroom. It caught her eye and she smiled for a moment before Patrick shifted and touched her…oh right there!

A low moan escaped her throat. She arched her back and rocked against him. Shelagh was on all fours on the edge of the bed, Patrick standing behind her and thrusting madly inside her. This was one of the more exciting positions they'd explored. It was one that allowed Patrick more power and leverage while keeping his knee from getting too sore. Usually they both preferred to be able to see each other and kiss messily while they made love, but this was incredibly exciting. She'd been unsure the first time they'd tried it, but Patrick had done a very good job of ensuring that she enjoyed herself immensely.

"Yes, Patrick, please!" she begged. She was so close. He reached around to rub her furiously to send her over the edge. Shelagh gasped loudly as her body shattered from his efforts. She knew from experience that Patrick would finish right after her, filling her with the warm gush of his seed from his stuttering thrusts until he finally stilled and they fell on the bed together in exhaustion.

But while Shelagh's body was still pulsating with pleasure, she felt Patrick sharply stop moving, and even while she struggled to remain upright, he pulled out of her. The next thing she knew, something hot and wet and sticky landed on her bum.

If she weren't worried about something dripping off her, she would have gotten up and scrambled about. As it was, she was too shocked to do anything. She remained frozen and extremely uncomfortable. Even as her body was coming down from her climax, her mind was jolted right out of any pleasure. "P-Patrick?" she stammered, too afraid to even turn to him.

"Oh god, I'm sorry. Let me…"

She could hear him moving around behind her. He returned a moment later with a tissue from the nightstand and wiped her off. "What was that?" she asked nervously.

"Shelagh, I am sorry, I just…"

"What?"

"I finished…erm…not inside you," he explained awkwardly.

Her flesh crawled at the realization of what he had done. Never before had the reality of their respective bodies bothered her. But something about the idea of him…doing that…on her skin just felt so dirty and messy and disgusting.

Shelagh immediately sat up and hurried to get her dressing gown to wrap over her body. She was not comfortable with her nudity in that moment. In fact, she very much wanted to go straight to take a bath and wash every inch of herself.

She caught sight of Patrick's face, and that gave her pause. He looked utterly distraught, standing there naked and worried and watching her tear around the room in such a state. At that, Shelagh realized they should probably talk for a moment first. "Patrick?" she began softly.

"I am so sorry, darling," he replied.

Shelagh forced a tight smile on her face to try to make him feel a little better. She crossed to get his dressing gown for him. "Here, let's sit for a moment. I think…well, I'd like some explanation. You've never done that before."

Patrick pulled the dressing gown on and tied it tightly before sitting on the edge of the bed beside Shelagh. "I know. I know, and I should have before."

"What!?"

"I mean, I…" He sighed heavily. "Shelagh, I hadn't thought about it before now, but…is it possible that I could get you pregnant?"

"Oh!" She'd not even considered such a thing. "I…well, yes, it is possible. I am still menstruating regularly and have not begun menopause yet. I am nearing the age for it though."

He nodded. She appreciated beyond all other things that her fiancé was a doctor and she herself a nurse and midwife. They were able to discuss such things with medical understanding. Most couples, Shelagh knew very well, were not as comfortable with such things, and even fewer knew the proper terminology.

"I suppose I've been rather discreet about it. I've…well, I've never lived with a man before."

"I didn't know. And we've never talked about it. We haven't taken any precautions to prevent pregnancy," he said.

Shelagh nodded in agreement. She really should have known better. She was a midwife! She knew better than anyone about these things! But she had never had any personal connection to sex and pregnancy before. And now she was having relations before marriage. "We certainly should be more careful until after we're married."

"So do…do you want children?"

The question had not occurred to her. "I…well…" She trailed off, not knowing what to say.

"I think if we'd gotten married back in Poplar, this would be a different conversation," he said carefully. "And what I mean by that is, I don't think we'd have even had the conversation at all. I think it would just go without saying that we would have had children together."

Shelagh turned her whole body to face him. "Did you want to have children with me?"

He smiled sadly. "Ten years ago, yes I did. But…Shelagh, I'm sixty years old."

She nodded. They'd celebrated his birthday just a few weeks earlier, just after they'd gotten engaged. "And I'll be forty-three next week. It won't be impossible for us to have children. We've both had patients who have had perfectly safe pregnancies at older than that. And actually, the wedding isn't very far away, even if I got pregnant now, I don't think it would be much of a scandal," she pointed out

Patrick looked pained, searching her face for something she couldn't not imagine. "Shelagh…"

"Yes, dear?" She reached up and pushed that thick swath of hair off his forehead. Even gray, it was thick and soft and beautiful. Her fingers trailed over his face. Patrick closed his eyes and smiled serenely at her touch.

He reached up and took her hand, pressing a kiss to her palm before giving her a squeeze. "Shelagh, look at me."

"I am, Patrick." She wasn't sure what he was after.

"Do I look like a man who should be getting ready to be a father?" he asked. There was a sadness in his tone that caused her heart to clench.

"What do you mean?"

"Shelagh, I'm old. I'm practically retired. Men my age should be focusing on grandchildren, not children of their own!"

Thankfully, Shelagh caught herself before pointing out that Patrick wouldn't have any grandchildren. That would have been cruel. For she knew, even if Patrick didn't, that it was precisely that fact that had been one of Tim's reasons for being so worried to tell his father the truth. And Shelagh wasn't sure if Patrick had come to that realization just yet, that he'd never be a grandfather. But that wasn't entirely the issue at the moment. "Patrick, are you saying you don't want to have children with me?"

In that moment, Shelagh thought she could see the exact instant when his heart broke. Without him even saying anything, she knew the answer. Ten years ago, yes, he had wanted children with her. Perhaps he still did. But they were just too old now. He may have wanted children with her in the abstract but not now.

"I mean," she continued, not wanting to focus on the tragedy of their circumstance, "if we aren't going to have children, what…what's the point of being married?"

It was his turn to be taken aback now. "What do you mean? Surely the point is that we love each other."

Oh he was so hurt, and she could feel it radiating off him in waves. But she was hurt, too. True, she'd not thought about having children. It had never been the forefront of her thoughts. But wasn't that the inevitable progression of people's lives? Marriage and babies?

"Shelagh, I hope you don't mean to say that you don't want to get married unless we're going to have children in that marriage," he said darkly.

"I…I don't know."

"You don't know if you want to marry me?" He let go of her hand, letting it fall heavily in her own lap.

"Of course I want to marry you, Patrick!" she protested.

"Why?" he demanded.

"Because I love you! Because…because I want us to be together properly."

"There you have it then!"

"But I just always thought that children would be part of that," Shelagh said sadly. The dream of being a mother, a dream she'd not even properly had, was dying before her eyes.

Patrick hung his head. "I didn't know."

Really, he had no reason to know. She knew that. He was right, they'd never talked about it before. He had assumed they wouldn't have children just as she assumed they would. And really, the odds were certainly stacked against them in conceiving. She was inching closer to menopause every moment. And at sixty years old, Patrick was probably not very fertile anymore. Though… "Tuberculosis," she remembered.

"What about it?" he asked, looking up in confusion.

"It can…it can affect fertility. I think there's every chance that even if we wanted to have a child, I probably wouldn't be able to get pregnant. Or if I did, I'm sure the risk of miscarriage at my age and with my medical history would be extraordinarily high." She sighed sadly. "So I suppose it's best that we aren't going to try."

"Oh my darling," Patrick said, pulling her into his arms and hugging her close. "You gave up everything for me, and I wish more than anything that I could give you everything in return."

Shelagh pulled back to look at him, holding his dear face in her hands. "You are everything to me, Patrick. I gave up my life so I could be without you. Just you. I want a life with you. I didn't agree to marry you so you'd give me children. Maybe if we were younger, that might have been possible, but we've moved beyond that time in our lives, you're right. We have Timothy and Mike, and we have each other. I promise you, Patrick Turner, that is all I ever need."

He kissed her soundly. "I love you," he whispered into her lips.

She threw her arms around his neck and held him tight. "I love you."

They held each other quietly for a moment, reveling in their love. But eventually, Patrick pulled back to speak again. "I'm afraid we didn't actually come to much of a solution for the time being," he realized.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean…what steps should we take to prevent pregnancy. I could pull out like I did, but that's not foolproof."

"No, I'd prefer if you didn't do that again," she answered quickly. Shelagh had forgotten about that in the midst of this conversation and was now feeling her skin crawl again.

"I'm so sorry. I won't do that ever again, I promise. I suppose we could use condoms. I can order some through my medical supplier."

Shelagh knew how condoms worked, of course. The nuns had never been the ones to teach the sexual health and family planning classing, but she'd seen the nurses in their demonstrations. "That doesn't seem very…comfortable."

"I will confess I've never used one before, but we could give it a try," he offered.

She bit her bottom lip, trying to think how to answer. "I think…if you're comfortable with it, I mean…"

He chuckled in amusement at how flustered she was. "What is it, darling?"

"Couldn't we just continue on as we have? I mean, we've been just fine for more than three months. Not that we're trying to get pregnant, of course, but do we really need to take such drastic steps to prevent it?" It was not usually in Shelagh's nature to be so cavalier about something so important. The risk of pregnancy was low, she was sure. But she was not the one who was so certain she did not want to have a baby.

"Why don't you leave it to me?" he suggested. He probably sensed that she was not very enthusiastic about the idea of making plans about their love life. It was all still very new to her, after all.

She nodded in resignation. "That's fine, just promise you won't do…that…ever again."

Patrick looked rightfully contrite. "Again, I am sorry. And I promise, it will never happen ever again."

"Good," she said, hoping the subject could be closed now.

"If you'd like to take a bath before going to bed, I'll run one for you," he offered.

That was exactly what she'd been hoping for. "Yes, please," she answered. "Though I'd like it if you'd join me in the bath."

"My knee will need a massage to get me out of the bathtub when we're finished, but with that caveat, I'd very much like to join you in the bath."

Shelagh grinned. "Good." And just for good measure, she gave him a swift kiss before taking his hand and leading him into the bathroom. As they walked, she untied her dressing gown and let it fall to the floor.