"This place is kinda creepy..." Aiden admits as he squeezes Jade's hand "Are all of these rocks for people who have...died?"
"Yeah, they're called headstones." Jade informs her son "They have people's names on them...so that their families and friends can find them."
"Sure are a lot of 'em..." Aiden says as he looks around "Are you sure we're going the right way?"
"I'm positive, baby."
They walk a little ways further, towards the end of the row, until Jade finally spots the headstone she's been looking for. The ground in front of the stone is still patchy with dirt rather than covered with grass like the others around it, signaling to those who walked past that it had been a burial recent to the past few months.
"Is this it?" Aiden asks, looking up at Jade with sad eyes
"Mhm..." Jade nods, making brief eye contact with him before turning towards the grave "This is Ashley..."
Jade had decided that she wanted to visit Ashley's grave by herself, but that she wanted to bring Aiden with her as well. It had been about two and a half months since Ashley's funeral, and it felt like time. Everyone had offered to accompany them, her mother, her brother, Beck, her friends...but Jade refused all of their offers. They hadn't known Ashley, although sometimes Jade wishes that they could have, only she and Aiden had. She wanted this moment to be private, just the two of them honoring her. It's the first time Jade has gone anywhere by herself since she was found, and it's also the first time that she's taken Aiden anywhere on her own.
"I feel sad, Mom."
"That's okay." Jade assures her son as she kneels down next to him "Whatever you're feeling is okay."
"Do you feel sad too?"
"I do..." Jade nods, fighting tears
She doesn't want her son to see her cry, because she knows it will make him even more sad. He's seen her cry so much in the past few months, and she knows based on experience that he'll immediately start trying to make her feel better instead of processing his own emotions.
"Do you want to give her these?" Jade asks him, offering the bouquet of flowers they had brought along
Aiden nods and takes the flowers from his mother then stares at her blankly, unsure of what to do next.
"Come on, I'll help you." Jade takes his hand and leads him a bit closer to the headstone "Just set them down right there. Yeah, like that."
"Do you think she likes 'em?"
"Definitely." Jade nods "Especially because they came from you."
She sits down in the grass in front of Ashley's headstone away from the dirt and pulls Aiden into her lap.
"You can talk to her, if you want. Even though she can't talk back to us." Jade tells him "I'm going to."
"I don't know what to say..."
"That's okay. I can go first." Jade nods "Hi Ashley...Aiden and I miss you very much. And I wanted to say 'thank you'...because without you I probably wouldn't be sitting here right now...and I'm so sorry that you're not here with us anymore."
A tear slides down her cheek and her voice catches as she speaks. She decides that she'll end her dialogue there, not wanting to become too emotional in front of her son. She'll cry about this later, tonight when she's at home...in the privacy of her own bedroom.
"I miss you, Ashely..." Aiden says quietly "I miss when we used to eat Cheerios together in front of the TV...and I miss coloring in the bathroom with you."
At the mention of the bathroom, Jade feels herself tense up with anxiety. One day she'll have to explain to her son why he was coloring in the bathroom with one of them each night, the real reason that Ron had kidnapped her and Ashely, how he came to exist...Even though the discussion is still a decade, or more, away, she's already dreading it...already struggling to find the words to explain it in a gentle way that won't upset him. Upsetting him seems inevitable now though, and that makes her dread that future conversation even more.
"Do you want to eat?" Jade asks Aiden in an attempt to get her own mind off the idea
"Yeah."
"Alright." She smiles
She shrugs her backpack off of her back and pulls out the two sack lunches she had packed for them that morning before they left. Each has a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a juice box, as well as a package of fruit snacks and a bag of apple slices. Aiden positions himself next to Jade, away from the dirt in the grass, and begins to eat his lunch.
"Ashley always told me that the red apples were gross." Aiden remarks as he takes a bite of one of the apple slices "She liked the green ones better."
"Oh yeah?" Jade raises an eyebrow at her son as she eats her own lunch "What do you think?"
"I think the red apples taste fine." Aiden shrugs "I like all apples."
"Yeah." Jade agrees with a smile "Me too."
They continue eating their lunch together, making light conversation about Ashley in the same way. Jade tells Aiden a story about the time Ashley found a millipede in the bathtub and cried until Jade turned the water on and washed it down the drain again. He was only a few months old and there was no way he could have had memory of it happening, but he laughs hysterically at the thought of it.
"We'll come back here again to visit, won't we?" Aiden asks as Jade starts packing up their trash and leftover food "I want to visit again."
"We will some day, yes." Jade nods as she pulls her backpack back onto her back "I promise."
"Excuse me?" A voice from behind her says "Are you Jade?"
"Depends on who's asking..." She sighs, standing up and turning around to face whoever it may be
The voice belongs to a man in his twenties, probably not much older than she is. He's carrying a camera bag in one hand and holding a PearPhone in the other, and already Jade can feel a bad vibe radiating from him.
"I'm Bobby Moore, from 'Perspective' magazine." He introduces himself "I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about your time with Ron Cook."
"Absolutely not." Jade shakes her head "Leave me alone."
She wants to get away from him as fast as possible, so she opts to pick Aiden up and carry him back to the car rather than letting him walk.
"Wait!" Aiden shrieks "I want to say goodbye to Ashley!"
"Did you like Ashley, buddy?" Bobby asks him "Was she nice to you?"
"Don't answer him, Aiden." Jade demands "Don't say a single word until we get away from him."
"But-"
"I said don't!"
Slightly frightened by his mother's sudden change in demeanor, Aiden hides his head in Jade's shoulder to avoid being tempted to answer any of Bobby's questions.
"You must feel terrible, having to grieve the loss of a friend on stop of everything else you have to deal with." Bobby says
Jade continues to ignore him as she unlocks her mother's car and opens the back door to help Aiden into his carseat.
"You good?" She asks the little boy quietly as she buckles him in
"I'm good." Aiden nods
"Good." Jade smiles, shrugging her backpack off and tossing it in the empty seat next to Aiden before closing the door
"What's it like having to raise a child knowing that he serves as a daily reminder of what happened to you?"
"How dare you?" Jade snaps, turning around to face the reporter "You don't deserve any answers from me after a question like that! And what makes you think it's okay to just come up to someone in a cemetery and start firing questions at them like this?"
"Someone has to get the story out of you!"
"No, they don't." She shakes her head "Because it's not just 'some story', it's mine. I get to choose how, when, and if I tell it. Not you, or the media, or anyone else. So fuck off and respect my privacy. And my son's."
Enraged, she rips open the driver's door and climbs in, slamming the door closed behind her. Bobby is still firing questions at her as she starts the engine, but she pays him no mind. Torn between wanting to avoid causing a bigger scene and just wanting to get out of there, Jade moves the car forward, leaving Bobby Moore far behind her.
She looks up in the rearview mirror and her heart sinks when she sees the terrified expression on her son's face. He's seen her display a lot of emotions as of late, but that kind of anger has never been one of them.
"I'm sorry, Aiden." She apologizes "I didn't mean to scare you."
"Why did you yell like that?" He asks, eyes wide
"Because he was saying some very mean things, and it made me upset." Jade sighs "I shouldn't have yelled, I know better."
"I don't want you to be upset."
"It happens sometimes..." Jade admits
She's doing everything in her power to stay calm. All she has to do is get Aiden home, then she can really react to what had just happened.
As she stops the car at a red light just before getting on the highway, she reaches for her phone and unlocks it. She navigates to her contacts list and scrolls down a bit before pressing the phone to her ear, because there's only one person she wants waiting for her when she returns home.
"For what it's worth, it doesn't seem to be bothering him much." Kaitlyn tries to reassure her daughter as they sit together on the deck later that evening
In the yard, Beck and Aiden play together on the trampoline. Both boys are smiling and laughing as Beck jumps around, sending Aiden flying into the air in a fit of giggles.
He had been waiting for them when they returned home from their trip to the cemetery that afternoon, as had Kaitlyn. Jade's mother had quickly distracted her grandson with a snack and a movie on the television in the living room, while Beck accompanied Jade upstairs. As soon as they were alone in her bedroom with the door closed, she had collapsed into a fit of tears in his arms.
Beck had been taken off guard at first, he didn't know what had happened and her sudden outburst terrified him. As she explained the afternoon's events to him, things started to make more sense. The emotions of seeing Ashley's grave in person for the first time had been enough to upset her, but the encounter with the tabloid reporter had sent her over the edge. He held her in his arms and rubbed her back gently, whispering words of reassurance in her ear as an attempt to calm her down. Eventually, the tears stopped flowing and her breathing returned to normal, and then all she wanted was to see her son.
The four of them, Kaitlyn, Jade, Beck, and Aiden, had ordered pizza for dinner and ate it together in the kitchen. Chris and Tyler were off at a dealership shopping for a new car for Tyler, which his parents had promised him as a graduation present. Sensing that Jade still wasn't entirely okay, Beck offered to stay after dinner a little longer. It was summer now, and he didn't have to worry about being out late on a weeknight and then having to wake up early for school the next morning. Aiden was thrilled with the idea of him staying, and dragged him out to the backyard to play. Beck objected at first, knowing that in that moment he should be there for his girlfriend, but Jade had assured him that it was fine. Aiden had a rough day too, and if he wanted to play with Beck then he should get to.
"I just feel so bad for him." Jade sighs "He doesn't deserve this."
"No one does, Jade." Kaitlyn assures her "Oh sweetheart, don't cry."
"He deserves better than me." Jade cries "He shouldn't have to live with this. He should be able to be a normal, happy, three year-old kid who doesn't have to worry about sleezy reporters following his mom everywhere she goes and having to grieve her dead friends with her."
"He is happy, look at him." Kaitlyn nods towards the trampoline "And he is normal, Jade. I assure you. And I'm sure when he starts school in a few months, he'll absolutely thrive."
"I'm not putting him in school yet." Jade shakes her head "I can't, it's not safe for him. If someone will ask him questions in a cemetery with me right there, what's to stop them from getting to him at school?"
"He has to go to school, Jade."
"Not until kindergarten." Jade reminds her "God, this is too much!"
She stands up and storms into the house, not wanting Beck or Aiden to see that her emotions are getting the best of her again.
"What's too much, Jade?" Kaitlyn asks "Talk to me, sweetheart."
"That's all anyone ever wants me to do." Jade says as she rubs her temples, pacing back and forth across the kitchen "Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Spill all the juicy details, tell everyone what's going on inside my head."
"I'm just trying to help you right now, Jade." Kaitlyn says calmly "You don't need to sell your story to any reporters or paparazzi or anything like that. What has you so upset all of a sudden?"
"It's not...all of a sudden." Jade sighs "It's all the time. I'm trying to figure out how to live a normal life again, but I can't seem to figure that out. Creepy reporters are following me everywhere that I go, no one wants to give me a job because of all the attention I'll draw, I can't send my son to preschool because I'm worried about people invading his privacy in order to get to me, I can't be intimate with my boyfriend because I'm dragging all of this nasty baggage with me. I just want my life back!"
"Come here..." Kaitlyn wraps her daughter up in a hug, fighting tears of her own "You are, without a doubt, the strongest person that I know. No one should have to go through what you've gone through, but you've fought so hard the entire time. And I'm so proud of you, you're doing such a great job."
"I just wish that Aiden and I could start over fresh..." Jade admits, her voice quivering "He deserves the best and I wish I could give him that, but every day that seems less and less possible."
"Jade, I'm going to tell you something I wish someone had told me when you were a baby..." Kaitlyn says gently "The 'best' things? The best education, the best toys, a huge house, and a lot of money? None of that matters without the 'important' things. Love? Kindness? Consistency? An evironment where your child feels safe? Those are the important things. And right now, he has all of the important things."
"A reporter cornered us out of nowhere today, Mom." Jade reminds her "How is that safe?"
"You protected him, didn't you?"
"Yeah..."
"And you kept him safe."
Jade thinks that she's understanding what her mother is trying to say to her, but she's not sure it's really making her feel any better. She wants a fresh start, a fresh slate. She wants to be able to walk down the street with her son without people turning and staring at her. The future she had wanted for herself in college seems so silly now, so lavish.
"I don't know what to do, Mom."
"You don't have to know right now, Jade." Kaitlyn assures her "You're going to figure it out, and we'll all be here to help you."