p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"It's been just over two years since that day. Two good years, relatively calm despite the regular ups and downs, nothing like the thunderstorm that hit our lives all at once back then. If anything, Nessie and I have only grown closer since the conflict that nearly tore us apart. And things from the material point of view haven't been going too badly either. Nessie's in her last few months of college and still working out where to go from there after that. And we've been saving up so that in a while, I should be able to set up a proper workshop and hopefully start bringing in a more steady income. So we've been doing good, physically, emotionally. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"There are of course times when things get a little harder. Every year around the anniversary of the miscarriage, Nessie in particular is always thinking of our Little William. And we talk about him, because I think it helps that we do. It gives us a way to keep his memory alive, and keep him alive in some way. The first year she was saying that he would be walking by now. The next she wondered if he would've been able to say Mommy yet. But when all is said and done, we've managed to always be there for each other, and that's what really matters. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I grin to myself as I open the door, walking back into the house after a long day at work. I find my wife on the couch and lean down over the back of it, planting a kiss on her cheek. My hands are still dirty, so I'm careful not to touch her. "Miss the grease monkey?" I tease. She gives a faint smile but then something about her expression tells me that she's got something on her mind. "What's up?"/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I've been staring at the same page in this book for hours. Literally hours. I've read every word on it more times than I care to tell you about. And I still don't have any idea what it's talking about. I haven't been able to focus. Not since I went to the doctor earlier today, since I'd been feeling a little under the weather lately. Tired, nauseous. I had assumed I had a bug. I had not been prepared for the news that I was given. I was pregnant. And I was even more unsure about how Jake would react. At first I had wanted to tell him right away, because I was happy, I was excited. I couldn't wait to have this baby, a baby with him. And we were in such a better place this time that I was sure things had to go differently. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"But after lots of reflection, I had decided that I needed to know how he felt about it before I told him, so I had simply stayed home and decided to talk to him about possibly having kids when he got home. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He walked in the door and came over to greet me. I smiled. I was so glad he was here. Having him around made me relax and believe that everything would be okay. I turned my head to give him a kiss on the cheek before saying teasingly, "You know I love it when you're dirty, but why don't you get cleaned up and then I have something I'd like to talk to about." He looked a little worried. "Nothing big, just a possibility." he seemed a little at ease as he disappeared into the bathroom. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"When he came back out, he sat next to me and I put the book down on the coffee table, abandoning my attempts at study for now. "I've just been thinking a lot lately," I start, chewing on my bottom lip. "How would you feel about trying to have a baby?" I finally blurt out, knowing there's no real way to ease into that conversation./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I wasn't prepared for the question that she asks me, and so the moment it escapes her lips, I'm stunned. "A baby?" I echo dumbly at first, eyes wide. But then I realise that she's being serious. And of course she's being serious, this isn't really a matter that either of us would joke about. I lean back and drape my arm over the back of the couch, shrugging. "I… guess I haven't really given it much thought." I would have thought that talking about trying for a baby would be quite a taboo for us. But truth be told, I didn't think it would be a matter to discuss anymore. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"But she's brought it up now, and she's looking at me, waiting for an answer. "Well Ness… honestly?" I reach down and stroke her lap gently. "I don't really think it would be a good idea." To be fair, I haven't completely processed the idea yet. I just know intuitively that it wouldn't be very wise. At least that's what I think. But she doesn't look at all pleased with this answer, so I try to work it all out in my head first before forcing myself to carry on, even though it's not an easy subject for either one of us. "After what happened the first time… Nessie, you and I are going to live forever. But any kid of ours is more than likely to be more human than anything. Mortal. And… eventually… I don't know if we could go through something like that again."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He asks me if I want an honest answer and I nod. I do. I don't want the imprinter answer. I don't want the answer that will make me happy, but maybe make him not. But I thought he'd still say yes, deep down, that he wanted kids, with me, a family, with me. After all whenever we talk about little William he is so affectionate. And he'd always said he'd wished I hadn't miscarried. So when he says no, I'm not prepared. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"It feels like I've been punched in the chest by him. The wind's been knocked out of me. I'm pregnant and he doesn't want our baby? How could that possibly be? Wasn't that like against imprinting law or something? I felt tears sting the back of my eyes, so I quickly looked down at the ground, blinking until they went away. The rejection stung and it hung heavy in the air. I shifted slightly so as to dislodge his hand from touching my leg. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"When I looked at him again, I nodded. He did have a point, but it was past the point of discussion. It was no longer truly up for debate. "You're right. We could outlive them. But they could be part vampire and be immortal, or they could be a wolf..." I trailed off. "We really wouldn't know without trying..."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"She looks more than a little upset by my response to her question, and I can tell that her slight movement was to deliberately edge away from my touch. She doesn't do this often, unless I've upset her in some way. Maybe I put it the wrong way. And maybe I was insensitive. Isn't it natural for a woman to want to have a child of her own, to want to be a mother? After all, had William lived, we would've been the happiest parents in the world. There's no doubt about that. But we must have been able to learn something from it, right? Losing him dealt us a devastating blow and we hadn't even known he'd existed until afterwards. Could we really live with losing another child?/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Nessie attempts to steer away from my negativity, suggesting that a baby of ours could be part vampire or wolf. But it's a feeble maybe. There are no guarantees, and what she says next is my point exactly. We wouldn't know without trying. But should we even try in the first place? "I know what you mean, and I agree with you. We wouldn't…" I say quietly, wishing that there was some way for us to know for certain. If there was, and we could be assured that this wouldn't be something to worry about, then I would think differently. Besides, before William, I did think about raising a family with Nessie. "But look at it from a more realistic perspective: do we really want to risk it, knowing what could happen? Again?"/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"A more realistic perspective? That sounds almost insulting. Like I'm living in a fantasy world. Like it's crazy for me to want to have a baby with him. Like it's crazy for me to be happy that I was pregnant. what was I going to do now? Did I tell him, which seemed almost impossible to me, since I knew he wouldn't be happy. Or did I go see Carlisle and put my own desires aside and get this whole thing taken care of. Jake would never have to know and we could just move on like nothing happened. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"But as far as I was concerned, I had the most realistic perspective in the room, since I was actually pregnant. I actually had his baby inside of me. And I was preparing to have that baby. With or without Jake, but I really hoped this wouldn't be the end of us. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I don't really want to fight with him, but right now, I don't want to look at him either. "It would be hard," I said, keeping my voice monotone so that I could try to be cool, to not yell. "But I still think it would be worth the risk. I'd like you to please think about it." /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Then I needed to get away. I got up and walked away, to our room, slamming the door behind me. Feeling tears sting my eyes again. The rejection still burning./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I thought we were just having a neutral discussion, so what on earth just happened? Her voice is dry and cold, and she walks away without so much as glancing at me. I get to my feet to go after her, to talk this over, but for some reason the discussion is closed. She slams the bedroom door, leaving me shocked and confused. Didn't she want my honest opinion? It's not like her to get angry at me for expressing that, especially when she was the one who asked me for it in the first place. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I knock on the door. "Nessie?" I ask gently. I can understand that she wants to have kids. It should be the most natural thing in the world. But I would've thought that she'd understand my thoughts on it too, especially after losing William the way we did. "Nessie, come on, talk to me please?" But she keeps the door shut and doesn't answer. I stand there for a while, but her silence makes it clear that she doesn't want to talk to me. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Living here for the past weeks has been awful. Torture if you will. The support that I need from the most important man in the world is missing. And it's not because he's missing, it's because he's standing right there. And still nothing. And we barely talk anymore. Unless we disagree or argue about having babies. I still haven't been able to bring myself to tell him the truth. I couldn't take him saying that he didn't want us to my face. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Over the last few weeks, I've considered leaving. but I can't because as much as I feel like I need space and air to figure this out, I feel even worse when I think about not sleeping next to him, or being able to smell his calming scent, or hear his voice. I need him. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"And lately I've been getting sicker and sicker. it was the early morning hours and I shot out of the bed, the nausea taking over finally as I ran for the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before emptying my stomach. I knew I would wake Jake and he would come to me. And then he'd question me about doctors and how I've been ill for a while. And then I'd lie and we'd argue. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I heard the door creak open. "I'm fine," I said to him as I gagged again. "Just go back to bed." But I felt his heat getting closer to me. He wasn't listening. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"The last few weeks have been painful. For some reason that I still don't understand, we can't seem to agree on anything anymore. Whenever I say something, Nessie either ignores me, snaps at me, or walks away. And it's been no use trying to ask her what's going on. It's been like this ever since she first mentioned trying to have a baby, so I'm assuming that's what this is all about. But she won't explain it to me, won't tell me what's really on her mind. And it's horrible that she seems to feel like she can't come to me anymore./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"To make matters worse, she's been looking really under the weather lately as well. But she keeps trying to hide it from me, as if I wouldn't be able to pick up on it. This morning it happens again. It's only just getting light outside when I feel the bed move, waking me up from my slumber. Sitting bolt upright, I find Nessie's side of the bed empty, and a moment later I hear the sound of her throwing up in the bathroom. I quickly swing my legs off the bed and go to her, finding her bent over the toilet, insisting that she's fine. Like hell I'm going to go back to bed with her like this./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I get down beside her and pull her hair away from her face, stroking her back. "That's it, Nessie, you're going to see a doctor, you hear me?" This time I won't take no for an answer. She can't keep going on this way. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He gently pulls my hair up and away from my face. His warm hand rubbing my back gently. It feels so comforting. I just want to close my eyes and melt into him. I want to kiss him. I want to tell him what's going on. I want to tell him. And I want him to be happy when he hears. I don't want to tell him and have to watch his face fall like I've just pinned him down with a death sentence of some type. I can't tell him because I can't bear to see the sadness and disappointment in his eyes. I feel tears sting my eyes before I retch into the toilet again. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"And then he says it. He says I'm going to a doctor. Probably Carlisle, because of my special half breed circumstances. But that's just the problem. I've already seen Carlisle. He's already told me what's going on. I just haven't told Jake. When I feel like my stomach is settled, I reach up and flush the toilet before rising to shaky legs. I closed my eyes before grabbing my toothbrush and brushing my teeth. "I don't need to see a doctor," I said to him, my voice almost empty of emotion, except for that of snappish anger. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I take my toothbrush with me as I walk back into our room. At the questioning look on his face, I respond, "Maybe I should go stay with my family until I'm feeling better..." And then I grab a bag out of the closet to pack. They would accept me and my baby. I could still make a decent life. Even if Jake wasn't in it./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I gape at her. She's starting to pack, getting ready to leave. Like she can't bear to be around me. Like she no longer trusts me. Like I've failed her in some way that I just can't comprehend. "Nessie, will you please just tell me what's going on?" I ask her, trying not to let the frustration show. She doesn't want to be touched, or talked to, and just keeps getting mad at me like I'm supposed to know why./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I move over to the closet and hold the door shut, keeping her from getting to it. My eyes plead desperately with hers. I can't lose her. And I can't stand the fact that I seem to be hurting her without even knowing how. "I want to fix this but I can't if you won't tell me what's wrong."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He asks me to tell him what's going on. And I can see that he's in so much pain. That even the threat of me leaving him seems to be causing incomprehensible pain to him. But I just can't say it. I can't make myself speak. I can't tell him I'm pregnant. If he knew he'd probably let me leave. But I don't want to feel thrown out. I want to feel like this is my decision. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He begs for me to talk to him. He begs me to let him fix this. I don't know how he possibly could. My speaking would be the beginning of the deterioration of everything we had. "Trust me, you don't want to know, Jacob Black," I bit out at him bitterly, confidently. Though I wanted him to contradict me. "I've already been to the doctor about it," I add./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Her tone is harsh, bitter. I don't want to know? With the exception of our dark period two years ago, we've always shared everything together. What could possibly be going on now that she's so reluctant to let me know about? Unless… My eyes widen slightly as I feel the puzzle pieces start to shift and move into place. Her getting sick, and all the talk about having babies and getting upset because I didn't think it was a good idea. And then she says that she's already been to the doctor about it, her expression cryptic as if to challenge me./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Have I really been so blind as to have missed it a second time? I thought we'd taken all the necessary precautions, but maybe not quite after all. "You're… pregnant?" I ask after a moment of stunned silence. I search her eyes for confirmation as I feel my heart being torn in two directions. On the one hand there's fear, fear of losing something so precious all over again. Yet on the other, I can't help the small half smile playing on my lips as I consider the thought of us becoming parents. It was different when we were discussing the possibility of having another baby. But it makes a world of difference to know that we may actually be having one./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He stands strong. He refuses to move even an inch, even when I try to move him out of the way, using all of the strength that I possess. And this leaves me fuming mad at him. He won't let me go. Even though he knows the truth now, as he speaks it to me. He still won't let me leave. He won't let me escape. But he doesn't want this. At least that's what he said when I brought it up. He said he didn't want kids. So does that mean that he doesn't want me now? Or does that mean that he'll be stuck forever in a life that he doesn't want, simply because he can't leave? I feel tears well up in my eyes as he speaks, since he does now know the truth. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;""Don't you dare smile at me, Jacob," I snap at him, my hands resting on my hips, left to wonder why he's smiling. Is he smiling because he's finally free of me? I know it's not because he's happy about this situation. And then my arms move to protectively cross over my chest. "Why don't you just move?" I demand to know. It makes no sense for him to try and make me stay. Why? So we can all be miserable? I feel more tears as they begin to streak down my cheeks, and I feel the fight slowly leaving my body. I back towards the bed and sit on it, staring at my feet against the hardwood of the floor. "You don't want this," I say to him barely above a whisper, "You told me so weeks ago. I don't want you to be trapped by us. Just let me go. Please...?"/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"The instant I see the tears start to fill her eyes, there is simply no question about it. She's pregnant. And I was completely clueless about it. Again. I feel a stab of guilt, as if I've failed her somehow. I'm her husband, her imprint, and I've been totally oblivious about this up till now. "Don't you dare smile at me, Jacob," she snaps angrily, and immediately the smile drops, not just because of her words but her tone as well. She glares at me, furious that I'm still blocking her way. But there's no way I'm budging. I can't lose her. And I don't believe that she really wants to leave me either./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"A moment later, the fire in her eyes seems to dim as her shoulders slacken and she moves back to sit on the bed, looking tired and defeated. My heart aches when she whispers that I don't want this. That I don't want her, this baby with her. Have I really led her to believe such a thing? How much more cruel could I be? And to the person I love most in the world, no less. It couldn't be farther from the truth. Of course, I can't say I would have thought it wise to have a baby, when we know full well the implications that may come with it./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"But she's pregnant, and that changes everything. This is no longer a 'what if' situation. And it's not that I'm accepting it because I simply have no choice – it's just that these are completely different circumstances now. How can I not want this little part of us, the result of the love that we share? /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I move towards her and bring my knees to the floor, tilting her chin up slightly to get her to look at me. The pain in them hits me so hard that it might as well be my own pain. "I'm so sorry, Nessie, I never meant it that way…" I apologise, reluctantly retracting my hand in case she doesn't want my touch right now. "I admit, I have mixed feelings about this. I was afraid, am afraid, of having to… of the possibility of having to lose something, someone so precious. Again." I shake my head, deciding it best not to dwell on that subject matter anymore. We will have to, one day. And it is going to be the most painful thing we will ever have to face. It's a day that I will constantly fear. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"But what's the point of mulling over that now, only to strip the joy out of what should be a happy experience? If only I had known of this earlier, when she first asked me about trying, instead of letting her go through weeks of suffering, thinking that I would reject her, reject our child. "But it was never, Nessie, never because I didn't want to raise a family with you."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He stays silent for the longest time. And I feel even more convinced that he's angry. That he's disappointed. That this might be the end. And though I accepted this possibility a while ago it still stings to have to stare it in the face. To have to accept it. Instead of just to run away from it. I loved him with everything I was. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I was surprised to hear his feet moving his body closer to me. And then I felt his heat emanating off of him. And then his warm finger touches my chin, tilting my head up, so that I have to look him in the eyes. And all I can see in his eyes is the reflection of the pain that I feel is probably reflected in my own. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He tells me that he never meant his comment like that. But I can't imagine any other way that he could have meant it. He pulls his hand away from me, and I immediately feel cold and empty again. And though I can't conceive of any other way that he could have meant it, I cling to the irrational hope that he's telling the truth. I reach out for his hand, clinging to it, as if it were my lifeline. The only thing keeping me from drowning. And then he tells me again that he's scared. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I nod slowly. I can't blame him for that. If I let myself think about it, about the possibilities, I'm terrified. But I can't do that. I have to love our baby for the here and now, for the fact that we get this precious being for as long as we do. Not fear him for his potential death one day, something that he can't control. "I know, Jake," I say to him, "And it scares me too. So much that I just chose not to think about it. Otherwise I'd be terrified every second of every day. And I can't be afraid of our baby. I love him." My eyes plead with his. "I need you to love him too." I hoped he could. I hoped he could get past his fears. "We can't focus on that. We can't focus on all the things we don't know and can't control." I didn't know if I should tell him that the baby was growing faster than normal, like I had. I didn't know if that would comfort him, since the baby would be part vampire, and therefore probably live forever, or if it would just make him worry more. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Then he tells me that he never for a second didn't want to have a family with me and I can't help but smile through my happy tears that are now falling. "I always saw you and I having a family one day."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOBbr /. br /I feel a flood of relief at the touch of her hand, knowing that we're finally starting to bridge the gap that's grown between us over the last few weeks. I nod quietly as I listen to her speak, admitting that it scares her too. And when she says that she can't be afraid of our baby, it really hits home. Could that be what I've been feeling? I've been so afraid for our baby that I've come be afraid of him? Or her… "I need you to love him too." I stroke the back of her hand with my thumb lightly, taking in her every word. Of course I'll love him. I can't imagine not loving a child of ours. Everything she just said rings true. I can't keep clinging to this fear while neglecting what's most important./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;""I always saw you and I having a family one day," she says, sounding more at ease than she has in days. I bring my hand up to her face and brush her tears aside. "Of course I'll love him. I already do," I tell her, my own voice gruff with emotion. I touch my forehead to hers, the smile growing on my face again as I finally allow myself to picture it. Us. Nessie, me, and our baby. "How could I not love a part of you?"/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"But when I pull away, I take in how pale she still is. I stroke her cheek gently. "How are you feeling now?"/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He finally does seem happy. We both are happy. And we're both releasing so many emotions we've been hiding for so long. But when he asks how he could not love something that was a part of me, it makes me worry for just a moment that that's the only reason he wants this because he can't deny me anything. I lean forward and kiss him lightly on the lips as his forehead rests against mine. I have to just trust that he's telling the truth to me, that he wouldn't lie. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Then he asks how I'm feeling and I can't help but chuckle as I give him an honest answer. "Pretty awful." I lean into him closer before guiding him up to sit next to me on the bed. "Carlisle thinks that maybe I'm so sick because of the baby growing so quickly. He thinks the baby definitely is at least part vampire, he's gestating, just like I did. He's so big already." Big enough for me to have even needed to start hiding the bump from him. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I wonder if he'd want to see. And would he think I was still beautiful and sexy, or would he be repulsed, by my growing bulge?/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"As I sit down beside her, she admits to feeling awful and that immediately makes me worry again. And when she tells me what Carlisle thinks, I feel myself tense, recalling Bella's torturous pregnancy. But… it should be different this time, right? After all, Nessie herself is half vampire, there's no reason for there to be any complications. But if that's the case, then why would she be sick? /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"She remarks that the baby is so big already, causing my eyes to drift down to her belly. Her pyjama top is loose, disguising any bump that may be growing beneath it. I look to her for permission before I lower my hand to her stomach, slipping it under her shirt to rest on her skin. I feel the bulge that I hadn't noticed before, and it worries me slightly that it seems to feel warmer than the rest of her body usually is. But I remind myself that now isn't the time for fears./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I try to get myself to think again about what's growing inside of her, our child, and my heart warms up. I smile lightly, leaning over and kissing her on the temple before pulling her closer to me, wrapping both arms around her. "How long is Carlisle giving it?" I ask, trying not to let on too much that I'm worried, not just about the baby now but about her as well. I remember the miscarriage and what caused it, and I don't want to stress her out again./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"His hand lowers under my top and for the first time in a while, my stomach seems to settle, the baby seems to calm in his restless movements. "It's pretty amazing, isn't it?" I ask him with a grin as he feels the warm baby bump and smiles. I know he likes how this all feels. He likes us having a family. He likes us talking again. He feels how I feel. And he's accepting it all, he's accepting me. He begins to pull his hand away, but I say, almost pleadingly. "Wait..." I don't want to lose this peace yet, especially if it is Jake's touch bringing it on. "He likes you..." I grin at Jake. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Then he asks how long Carlisle thinks it'll be before we actually have a baby in our arms. I shrug. "He thinks a month and a half," I tell him. "He thinks it'll take longer for this little one to grow than it did for me, since the baby's less part vampire than I was, probably. But he's really not sure..."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Amazing barely describes it. I keep my hand on her as she asks, and I feel my smile widen when she says that he likes me. I lower my head to her belly and plant a kiss on it before whispering to the baby inside, "I like you too, little guy." I never thought I could feel so strongly for anything, anyone as much as I do for Nessie. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"When I straighten myself back up again, she tells me that Carlisle thinks it'll probably be a month and a half. Which isn't very long at all. But if it's causing her any discomfort at all, that's probably a good thing. I nod wordlessly, my fingers twirling through her curls. "Is there anything you need? Anything I can do for you?"/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I grin widely as I watch him lean down and kiss my belly, giggling when he talks to the baby. It's so cute, adorable, that he's already so in love. "I love you Jake," I murmur to him softly. I lean over and kiss his lips lightly. Feeling like he's on board with this and like we're really gonna have a little family is amazing. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He asks if I need anything. I look over at him. I want to be close to him now. For weeks now we've been avoiding each other. And what I want, what I need, is this. And some sleep. I nod. "Maybe you can hold me, and we could all try and sleep?" I suggest. I really need some sleep. I haven't been getting a lot of it for being sick all the time, it feels like./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I nod in agreement when she suggests sleep. She clearly hasn't been getting much rest lately, and it goes without saying that she must be exhausted now after being sick this morning. She deserves as much sleep as she can get right now, and if my holding her will help her get that, then I would more than gladly oblige. Besides, it's barely light outside and I could use a bit more shuteye myself. "Sounds like a plan," I say gently as we both got back into bed. I pull the covers back over us, spooning her with one hand still gently resting on her stomach./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"As I bury my face in her hair, I take in her scent, glad to be close to her again. "I love you," I whisper in her ear. And then I wait to listen for her breathing to slow and even out before slowly drifting off myself./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"It's been just over two years since that day. Two good years, relatively calm despite the regular ups and downs, nothing like the thunderstorm that hit our lives all at once back then. If anything, Nessie and I have only grown closer since the conflict that nearly tore us apart. And things from the material point of view haven't been going too badly either. Nessie's in her last few months of college and still working out where to go from there after that. And we've been saving up so that in a while, I should be able to set up a proper workshop and hopefully start bringing in a more steady income. So we've been doing good, physically, emotionally. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"There are of course times when things get a little harder. Every year around the anniversary of the miscarriage, Nessie in particular is always thinking of our Little William. And we talk about him, because I think it helps that we do. It gives us a way to keep his memory alive, and keep him alive in some way. The first year she was saying that he would be walking by now. The next she wondered if he would've been able to say Mommy yet. But when all is said and done, we've managed to always be there for each other, and that's what really matters. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I grin to myself as I open the door, walking back into the house after a long day at work. I find my wife on the couch and lean down over the back of it, planting a kiss on her cheek. My hands are still dirty, so I'm careful not to touch her. "Miss the grease monkey?" I tease. She gives a faint smile but then something about her expression tells me that she's got something on her mind. "What's up?"/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I've been staring at the same page in this book for hours. Literally hours. I've read every word on it more times than I care to tell you about. And I still don't have any idea what it's talking about. I haven't been able to focus. Not since I went to the doctor earlier today, since I'd been feeling a little under the weather lately. Tired, nauseous. I had assumed I had a bug. I had not been prepared for the news that I was given. I was pregnant. And I was even more unsure about how Jake would react. At first I had wanted to tell him right away, because I was happy, I was excited. I couldn't wait to have this baby, a baby with him. And we were in such a better place this time that I was sure things had to go differently. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"But after lots of reflection, I had decided that I needed to know how he felt about it before I told him, so I had simply stayed home and decided to talk to him about possibly having kids when he got home. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He walked in the door and came over to greet me. I smiled. I was so glad he was here. Having him around made me relax and believe that everything would be okay. I turned my head to give him a kiss on the cheek before saying teasingly, "You know I love it when you're dirty, but why don't you get cleaned up and then I have something I'd like to talk to about." He looked a little worried. "Nothing big, just a possibility." he seemed a little at ease as he disappeared into the bathroom. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"When he came back out, he sat next to me and I put the book down on the coffee table, abandoning my attempts at study for now. "I've just been thinking a lot lately," I start, chewing on my bottom lip. "How would you feel about trying to have a baby?" I finally blurt out, knowing there's no real way to ease into that conversation./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I wasn't prepared for the question that she asks me, and so the moment it escapes her lips, I'm stunned. "A baby?" I echo dumbly at first, eyes wide. But then I realise that she's being serious. And of course she's being serious, this isn't really a matter that either of us would joke about. I lean back and drape my arm over the back of the couch, shrugging. "I… guess I haven't really given it much thought." I would have thought that talking about trying for a baby would be quite a taboo for us. But truth be told, I didn't think it would be a matter to discuss anymore. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"But she's brought it up now, and she's looking at me, waiting for an answer. "Well Ness… honestly?" I reach down and stroke her lap gently. "I don't really think it would be a good idea." To be fair, I haven't completely processed the idea yet. I just know intuitively that it wouldn't be very wise. At least that's what I think. But she doesn't look at all pleased with this answer, so I try to work it all out in my head first before forcing myself to carry on, even though it's not an easy subject for either one of us. "After what happened the first time… Nessie, you and I are going to live forever. But any kid of ours is more than likely to be more human than anything. Mortal. And… eventually… I don't know if we could go through something like that again."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He asks me if I want an honest answer and I nod. I do. I don't want the imprinter answer. I don't want the answer that will make me happy, but maybe make him not. But I thought he'd still say yes, deep down, that he wanted kids, with me, a family, with me. After all whenever we talk about little William he is so affectionate. And he'd always said he'd wished I hadn't miscarried. So when he says no, I'm not prepared. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"It feels like I've been punched in the chest by him. The wind's been knocked out of me. I'm pregnant and he doesn't want our baby? How could that possibly be? Wasn't that like against imprinting law or something? I felt tears sting the back of my eyes, so I quickly looked down at the ground, blinking until they went away. The rejection stung and it hung heavy in the air. I shifted slightly so as to dislodge his hand from touching my leg. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"When I looked at him again, I nodded. He did have a point, but it was past the point of discussion. It was no longer truly up for debate. "You're right. We could outlive them. But they could be part vampire and be immortal, or they could be a wolf..." I trailed off. "We really wouldn't know without trying..."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"She looks more than a little upset by my response to her question, and I can tell that her slight movement was to deliberately edge away from my touch. She doesn't do this often, unless I've upset her in some way. Maybe I put it the wrong way. And maybe I was insensitive. Isn't it natural for a woman to want to have a child of her own, to want to be a mother? After all, had William lived, we would've been the happiest parents in the world. There's no doubt about that. But we must have been able to learn something from it, right? Losing him dealt us a devastating blow and we hadn't even known he'd existed until afterwards. Could we really live with losing another child?/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Nessie attempts to steer away from my negativity, suggesting that a baby of ours could be part vampire or wolf. But it's a feeble maybe. There are no guarantees, and what she says next is my point exactly. We wouldn't know without trying. But should we even try in the first place? "I know what you mean, and I agree with you. We wouldn't…" I say quietly, wishing that there was some way for us to know for certain. If there was, and we could be assured that this wouldn't be something to worry about, then I would think differently. Besides, before William, I did think about raising a family with Nessie. "But look at it from a more realistic perspective: do we really want to risk it, knowing what could happen? Again?"/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"A more realistic perspective? That sounds almost insulting. Like I'm living in a fantasy world. Like it's crazy for me to want to have a baby with him. Like it's crazy for me to be happy that I was pregnant. what was I going to do now? Did I tell him, which seemed almost impossible to me, since I knew he wouldn't be happy. Or did I go see Carlisle and put my own desires aside and get this whole thing taken care of. Jake would never have to know and we could just move on like nothing happened. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"But as far as I was concerned, I had the most realistic perspective in the room, since I was actually pregnant. I actually had his baby inside of me. And I was preparing to have that baby. With or without Jake, but I really hoped this wouldn't be the end of us. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I don't really want to fight with him, but right now, I don't want to look at him either. "It would be hard," I said, keeping my voice monotone so that I could try to be cool, to not yell. "But I still think it would be worth the risk. I'd like you to please think about it." /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Then I needed to get away. I got up and walked away, to our room, slamming the door behind me. Feeling tears sting my eyes again. The rejection still burning./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I thought we were just having a neutral discussion, so what on earth just happened? Her voice is dry and cold, and she walks away without so much as glancing at me. I get to my feet to go after her, to talk this over, but for some reason the discussion is closed. She slams the bedroom door, leaving me shocked and confused. Didn't she want my honest opinion? It's not like her to get angry at me for expressing that, especially when she was the one who asked me for it in the first place. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I knock on the door. "Nessie?" I ask gently. I can understand that she wants to have kids. It should be the most natural thing in the world. But I would've thought that she'd understand my thoughts on it too, especially after losing William the way we did. "Nessie, come on, talk to me please?" But she keeps the door shut and doesn't answer. I stand there for a while, but her silence makes it clear that she doesn't want to talk to me. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Living here for the past weeks has been awful. Torture if you will. The support that I need from the most important man in the world is missing. And it's not because he's missing, it's because he's standing right there. And still nothing. And we barely talk anymore. Unless we disagree or argue about having babies. I still haven't been able to bring myself to tell him the truth. I couldn't take him saying that he didn't want us to my face. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Over the last few weeks, I've considered leaving. but I can't because as much as I feel like I need space and air to figure this out, I feel even worse when I think about not sleeping next to him, or being able to smell his calming scent, or hear his voice. I need him. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"And lately I've been getting sicker and sicker. it was the early morning hours and I shot out of the bed, the nausea taking over finally as I ran for the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before emptying my stomach. I knew I would wake Jake and he would come to me. And then he'd question me about doctors and how I've been ill for a while. And then I'd lie and we'd argue. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I heard the door creak open. "I'm fine," I said to him as I gagged again. "Just go back to bed." But I felt his heat getting closer to me. He wasn't listening. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"The last few weeks have been painful. For some reason that I still don't understand, we can't seem to agree on anything anymore. Whenever I say something, Nessie either ignores me, snaps at me, or walks away. And it's been no use trying to ask her what's going on. It's been like this ever since she first mentioned trying to have a baby, so I'm assuming that's what this is all about. But she won't explain it to me, won't tell me what's really on her mind. And it's horrible that she seems to feel like she can't come to me anymore./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"To make matters worse, she's been looking really under the weather lately as well. But she keeps trying to hide it from me, as if I wouldn't be able to pick up on it. This morning it happens again. It's only just getting light outside when I feel the bed move, waking me up from my slumber. Sitting bolt upright, I find Nessie's side of the bed empty, and a moment later I hear the sound of her throwing up in the bathroom. I quickly swing my legs off the bed and go to her, finding her bent over the toilet, insisting that she's fine. Like hell I'm going to go back to bed with her like this./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I get down beside her and pull her hair away from her face, stroking her back. "That's it, Nessie, you're going to see a doctor, you hear me?" This time I won't take no for an answer. She can't keep going on this way. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He gently pulls my hair up and away from my face. His warm hand rubbing my back gently. It feels so comforting. I just want to close my eyes and melt into him. I want to kiss him. I want to tell him what's going on. I want to tell him. And I want him to be happy when he hears. I don't want to tell him and have to watch his face fall like I've just pinned him down with a death sentence of some type. I can't tell him because I can't bear to see the sadness and disappointment in his eyes. I feel tears sting my eyes before I retch into the toilet again. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"And then he says it. He says I'm going to a doctor. Probably Carlisle, because of my special half breed circumstances. But that's just the problem. I've already seen Carlisle. He's already told me what's going on. I just haven't told Jake. When I feel like my stomach is settled, I reach up and flush the toilet before rising to shaky legs. I closed my eyes before grabbing my toothbrush and brushing my teeth. "I don't need to see a doctor," I said to him, my voice almost empty of emotion, except for that of snappish anger. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I take my toothbrush with me as I walk back into our room. At the questioning look on his face, I respond, "Maybe I should go stay with my family until I'm feeling better..." And then I grab a bag out of the closet to pack. They would accept me and my baby. I could still make a decent life. Even if Jake wasn't in it./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I gape at her. She's starting to pack, getting ready to leave. Like she can't bear to be around me. Like she no longer trusts me. Like I've failed her in some way that I just can't comprehend. "Nessie, will you please just tell me what's going on?" I ask her, trying not to let the frustration show. She doesn't want to be touched, or talked to, and just keeps getting mad at me like I'm supposed to know why./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I move over to the closet and hold the door shut, keeping her from getting to it. My eyes plead desperately with hers. I can't lose her. And I can't stand the fact that I seem to be hurting her without even knowing how. "I want to fix this but I can't if you won't tell me what's wrong."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He asks me to tell him what's going on. And I can see that he's in so much pain. That even the threat of me leaving him seems to be causing incomprehensible pain to him. But I just can't say it. I can't make myself speak. I can't tell him I'm pregnant. If he knew he'd probably let me leave. But I don't want to feel thrown out. I want to feel like this is my decision. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He begs for me to talk to him. He begs me to let him fix this. I don't know how he possibly could. My speaking would be the beginning of the deterioration of everything we had. "Trust me, you don't want to know, Jacob Black," I bit out at him bitterly, confidently. Though I wanted him to contradict me. "I've already been to the doctor about it," I add./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Her tone is harsh, bitter. I don't want to know? With the exception of our dark period two years ago, we've always shared everything together. What could possibly be going on now that she's so reluctant to let me know about? Unless… My eyes widen slightly as I feel the puzzle pieces start to shift and move into place. Her getting sick, and all the talk about having babies and getting upset because I didn't think it was a good idea. And then she says that she's already been to the doctor about it, her expression cryptic as if to challenge me./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Have I really been so blind as to have missed it a second time? I thought we'd taken all the necessary precautions, but maybe not quite after all. "You're… pregnant?" I ask after a moment of stunned silence. I search her eyes for confirmation as I feel my heart being torn in two directions. On the one hand there's fear, fear of losing something so precious all over again. Yet on the other, I can't help the small half smile playing on my lips as I consider the thought of us becoming parents. It was different when we were discussing the possibility of having another baby. But it makes a world of difference to know that we may actually be having one./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He stands strong. He refuses to move even an inch, even when I try to move him out of the way, using all of the strength that I possess. And this leaves me fuming mad at him. He won't let me go. Even though he knows the truth now, as he speaks it to me. He still won't let me leave. He won't let me escape. But he doesn't want this. At least that's what he said when I brought it up. He said he didn't want kids. So does that mean that he doesn't want me now? Or does that mean that he'll be stuck forever in a life that he doesn't want, simply because he can't leave? I feel tears well up in my eyes as he speaks, since he does now know the truth. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;""Don't you dare smile at me, Jacob," I snap at him, my hands resting on my hips, left to wonder why he's smiling. Is he smiling because he's finally free of me? I know it's not because he's happy about this situation. And then my arms move to protectively cross over my chest. "Why don't you just move?" I demand to know. It makes no sense for him to try and make me stay. Why? So we can all be miserable? I feel more tears as they begin to streak down my cheeks, and I feel the fight slowly leaving my body. I back towards the bed and sit on it, staring at my feet against the hardwood of the floor. "You don't want this," I say to him barely above a whisper, "You told me so weeks ago. I don't want you to be trapped by us. Just let me go. Please...?"/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"The instant I see the tears start to fill her eyes, there is simply no question about it. She's pregnant. And I was completely clueless about it. Again. I feel a stab of guilt, as if I've failed her somehow. I'm her husband, her imprint, and I've been totally oblivious about this up till now. "Don't you dare smile at me, Jacob," she snaps angrily, and immediately the smile drops, not just because of her words but her tone as well. She glares at me, furious that I'm still blocking her way. But there's no way I'm budging. I can't lose her. And I don't believe that she really wants to leave me either./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"A moment later, the fire in her eyes seems to dim as her shoulders slacken and she moves back to sit on the bed, looking tired and defeated. My heart aches when she whispers that I don't want this. That I don't want her, this baby with her. Have I really led her to believe such a thing? How much more cruel could I be? And to the person I love most in the world, no less. It couldn't be farther from the truth. Of course, I can't say I would have thought it wise to have a baby, when we know full well the implications that may come with it./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"But she's pregnant, and that changes everything. This is no longer a 'what if' situation. And it's not that I'm accepting it because I simply have no choice – it's just that these are completely different circumstances now. How can I not want this little part of us, the result of the love that we share? /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I move towards her and bring my knees to the floor, tilting her chin up slightly to get her to look at me. The pain in them hits me so hard that it might as well be my own pain. "I'm so sorry, Nessie, I never meant it that way…" I apologise, reluctantly retracting my hand in case she doesn't want my touch right now. "I admit, I have mixed feelings about this. I was afraid, am afraid, of having to… of the possibility of having to lose something, someone so precious. Again." I shake my head, deciding it best not to dwell on that subject matter anymore. We will have to, one day. And it is going to be the most painful thing we will ever have to face. It's a day that I will constantly fear. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"But what's the point of mulling over that now, only to strip the joy out of what should be a happy experience? If only I had known of this earlier, when she first asked me about trying, instead of letting her go through weeks of suffering, thinking that I would reject her, reject our child. "But it was never, Nessie, never because I didn't want to raise a family with you."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He stays silent for the longest time. And I feel even more convinced that he's angry. That he's disappointed. That this might be the end. And though I accepted this possibility a while ago it still stings to have to stare it in the face. To have to accept it. Instead of just to run away from it. I loved him with everything I was. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I was surprised to hear his feet moving his body closer to me. And then I felt his heat emanating off of him. And then his warm finger touches my chin, tilting my head up, so that I have to look him in the eyes. And all I can see in his eyes is the reflection of the pain that I feel is probably reflected in my own. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He tells me that he never meant his comment like that. But I can't imagine any other way that he could have meant it. He pulls his hand away from me, and I immediately feel cold and empty again. And though I can't conceive of any other way that he could have meant it, I cling to the irrational hope that he's telling the truth. I reach out for his hand, clinging to it, as if it were my lifeline. The only thing keeping me from drowning. And then he tells me again that he's scared. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I nod slowly. I can't blame him for that. If I let myself think about it, about the possibilities, I'm terrified. But I can't do that. I have to love our baby for the here and now, for the fact that we get this precious being for as long as we do. Not fear him for his potential death one day, something that he can't control. "I know, Jake," I say to him, "And it scares me too. So much that I just chose not to think about it. Otherwise I'd be terrified every second of every day. And I can't be afraid of our baby. I love him." My eyes plead with his. "I need you to love him too." I hoped he could. I hoped he could get past his fears. "We can't focus on that. We can't focus on all the things we don't know and can't control." I didn't know if I should tell him that the baby was growing faster than normal, like I had. I didn't know if that would comfort him, since the baby would be part vampire, and therefore probably live forever, or if it would just make him worry more. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Then he tells me that he never for a second didn't want to have a family with me and I can't help but smile through my happy tears that are now falling. "I always saw you and I having a family one day."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOBbr /. br /I feel a flood of relief at the touch of her hand, knowing that we're finally starting to bridge the gap that's grown between us over the last few weeks. I nod quietly as I listen to her speak, admitting that it scares her too. And when she says that she can't be afraid of our baby, it really hits home. Could that be what I've been feeling? I've been so afraid for our baby that I've come be afraid of him? Or her… "I need you to love him too." I stroke the back of her hand with my thumb lightly, taking in her every word. Of course I'll love him. I can't imagine not loving a child of ours. Everything she just said rings true. I can't keep clinging to this fear while neglecting what's most important./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;""I always saw you and I having a family one day," she says, sounding more at ease than she has in days. I bring my hand up to her face and brush her tears aside. "Of course I'll love him. I already do," I tell her, my own voice gruff with emotion. I touch my forehead to hers, the smile growing on my face again as I finally allow myself to picture it. Us. Nessie, me, and our baby. "How could I not love a part of you?"/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"But when I pull away, I take in how pale she still is. I stroke her cheek gently. "How are you feeling now?"/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He finally does seem happy. We both are happy. And we're both releasing so many emotions we've been hiding for so long. But when he asks how he could not love something that was a part of me, it makes me worry for just a moment that that's the only reason he wants this because he can't deny me anything. I lean forward and kiss him lightly on the lips as his forehead rests against mine. I have to just trust that he's telling the truth to me, that he wouldn't lie. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Then he asks how I'm feeling and I can't help but chuckle as I give him an honest answer. "Pretty awful." I lean into him closer before guiding him up to sit next to me on the bed. "Carlisle thinks that maybe I'm so sick because of the baby growing so quickly. He thinks the baby definitely is at least part vampire, he's gestating, just like I did. He's so big already." Big enough for me to have even needed to start hiding the bump from him. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I wonder if he'd want to see. And would he think I was still beautiful and sexy, or would he be repulsed, by my growing bulge?/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"As I sit down beside her, she admits to feeling awful and that immediately makes me worry again. And when she tells me what Carlisle thinks, I feel myself tense, recalling Bella's torturous pregnancy. But… it should be different this time, right? After all, Nessie herself is half vampire, there's no reason for there to be any complications. But if that's the case, then why would she be sick? /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"She remarks that the baby is so big already, causing my eyes to drift down to her belly. Her pyjama top is loose, disguising any bump that may be growing beneath it. I look to her for permission before I lower my hand to her stomach, slipping it under her shirt to rest on her skin. I feel the bulge that I hadn't noticed before, and it worries me slightly that it seems to feel warmer than the rest of her body usually is. But I remind myself that now isn't the time for fears./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I try to get myself to think again about what's growing inside of her, our child, and my heart warms up. I smile lightly, leaning over and kissing her on the temple before pulling her closer to me, wrapping both arms around her. "How long is Carlisle giving it?" I ask, trying not to let on too much that I'm worried, not just about the baby now but about her as well. I remember the miscarriage and what caused it, and I don't want to stress her out again./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"His hand lowers under my top and for the first time in a while, my stomach seems to settle, the baby seems to calm in his restless movements. "It's pretty amazing, isn't it?" I ask him with a grin as he feels the warm baby bump and smiles. I know he likes how this all feels. He likes us having a family. He likes us talking again. He feels how I feel. And he's accepting it all, he's accepting me. He begins to pull his hand away, but I say, almost pleadingly. "Wait..." I don't want to lose this peace yet, especially if it is Jake's touch bringing it on. "He likes you..." I grin at Jake. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Then he asks how long Carlisle thinks it'll be before we actually have a baby in our arms. I shrug. "He thinks a month and a half," I tell him. "He thinks it'll take longer for this little one to grow than it did for me, since the baby's less part vampire than I was, probably. But he's really not sure..."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Amazing barely describes it. I keep my hand on her as she asks, and I feel my smile widen when she says that he likes me. I lower my head to her belly and plant a kiss on it before whispering to the baby inside, "I like you too, little guy." I never thought I could feel so strongly for anything, anyone as much as I do for Nessie. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"When I straighten myself back up again, she tells me that Carlisle thinks it'll probably be a month and a half. Which isn't very long at all. But if it's causing her any discomfort at all, that's probably a good thing. I nod wordlessly, my fingers twirling through her curls. "Is there anything you need? Anything I can do for you?"/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"NESSIE/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I grin widely as I watch him lean down and kiss my belly, giggling when he talks to the baby. It's so cute, adorable, that he's already so in love. "I love you Jake," I murmur to him softly. I lean over and kiss his lips lightly. Feeling like he's on board with this and like we're really gonna have a little family is amazing. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He asks if I need anything. I look over at him. I want to be close to him now. For weeks now we've been avoiding each other. And what I want, what I need, is this. And some sleep. I nod. "Maybe you can hold me, and we could all try and sleep?" I suggest. I really need some sleep. I haven't been getting a lot of it for being sick all the time, it feels like./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"JACOB/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I nod in agreement when she suggests sleep. She clearly hasn't been getting much rest lately, and it goes without saying that she must be exhausted now after being sick this morning. She deserves as much sleep as she can get right now, and if my holding her will help her get that, then I would more than gladly oblige. Besides, it's barely light outside and I could use a bit more shuteye myself. "Sounds like a plan," I say gently as we both got back into bed. I pull the covers back over us, spooning her with one hand still gently resting on her stomach./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"As I bury my face in her hair, I take in her scent, glad to be close to her again. "I love you," I whisper in her ear. And then I wait to listen for her breathing to slow and even out before slowly drifting off myself./p