Lonely nights echo your name
Oh, sometimes I wonder
Will I ever be the same?
Oh yeah! When you see me smiling
You know things have gotten worse
Any smile you might see has all been rehearsed
Darling, I can't go on without you
This emptiness won't let me live without you
This loneliness inside, darling
Makes me feel half alive

Baby I Need Your Lovin' - The Four Tops

Winter break flew by. Or maybe it lasted ten years. TIme seemed to be stretching and contracting, twisting in on itself as if trying to confound her very sense of reality. It did not abate, even once the spring term began. The days were short, and the nights dragged on forever. Outside was nothing but ice and snow and sleet. Everything was either dead or fast asleep. It was tempting to follow the bears, to curl up in her den and ride out the worst of it until the sun made the world livable again, but who knew when that would be. Every day was spent thinking about finding a way out. The nights were spent praying to be warm again.

Edward's return from Seattle was delayed by his father's sudden desire to go skiing while the weather was agreeable, and his mother was more than happy to spend it by the massive hearth in the lodge, waiting for her husband to come in and hoping that he hadn't broken anything important. She wondered how wonderful a life one must have if skiing accidents are all you have to worry about.

"Will you be back soon?" Bella asked, the phone cord twisting in her fingers.

"God, I hope so," he chuckled. "I think I'm being held hostage. They wrote to the dean about my absence, but I don't think my professors are going to have much sympathy for me."

"There are worse places to be stuck."

"You're probably right. More than that though, I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, Edward."

"And I'm worried about you," he said.

"I-I'm fine. You don't need to worry." She heard a heavy sigh on the other end.

"Bella, please don't lie to me."

Disappointing him again. Was she really going to go back to the way things were before, back when she kept everything to herself for fear of the consequences? Being honest had consequences, too. Perhaps going back was better, or at least safer, but with Edward, it felt like a betrayal.

"I've been better. I don't think the weather is helping, either."

"Anything I can do?"

"Come back," she said quietly.

"As soon as I can. I promise."

She cringed at the word. Through his deeds, and everyone else's frankly, promises held no market value anymore. Still, it was a prettier thought than any others she had to choose from at the moment.

When she woke the next morning, the world was still. The thin layer of snow from the day before had disintegrated, leaving muddy slush in along the paths as the sun tried to squeeze through every available crack in the clouds. Even with no wind, the outside had her chilled to the bone. The tip of her nose felt numb. As long as she had been in Washington, she had never gotten used to their winters. Two weeks into her first one since the move, she understood why everyone up north flooded the Florida coastline from October to March.

The bell tower struck noon, and suddenly the aching in her stomach made sense. She shuffled along to the dining hall and grabbed the first hot plate of something she found. Refusing to remove her armor like everyone around her, she ate quickly, hoping that it would warm her on the inside and out. She probably looked like a starving dog to any nearby spectators. She wiped her mouth daintily with a napkin to ward off any suspicions that she might have been raised by bears, and quietly made her way towards the exit.

"Hey there, beautiful," called a voice from behind. She turned to find Edward rising from the bench in the hall, a broad smile peeking out from above a thick grey scarf.

"Edward! When did you get back?"

"About an hour ago," he said. "I hitched a ride with Rose and Emmett. Mom was driving her up a wall, and there's not enough liquor in the state of Washington to keep Rose from trying to ski right off a cliff."

A tremendous relief washed over her. It was hard to remember the last time she didn't feel completely alone. Always the knight in shining armor.

"Now I'm just making the rounds to see how much my professors already want to fail me for slacking off."

"They won't fail you. You're graduating in May, remember? If they fail you, then they'll have to keep you another year," she teased. He laughed.

"Let's hope so. I don't think I can stomach another semester."

"So," she began, shoving her hands in her pockets. "How were the slopes?"

"I'm afraid my father is the only one in the family who likes skiing all that much. I had a near-miss with a tree on the first day and then decided to call it quits."

"So what did you do for fun? That's an awfully long time."

"Reading, mostly. And thinking. Perhaps too much thinking."

"What about?" she asked.

"Graduation," he replied. "And everything that comes after it."

"You still have time before all that." He let out a hard puff of air.

"Yes and no. I don't start work until the end of the summer, so I have some time, but I'll need to find someplace to live and make all the arrangements before then. There are some contingencies that I'll need to account for."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head. She bit her lip, and when he looked up at her again, he laughed it off. "Nothing for you to worry about, love. You know me; I'm a planner. But enough of my complaining. What about you? What have you been up to since we last saw each other?"

It was a much harder question to answer than it should have been. She went to class, studied, ate occasionally, and then spent hours staring at the ceiling above the bed, waiting for sleep to take her and hoping that whatever sleep she was granted would be peaceful. The simplest answer, or perhaps just the most concise, was that she had been trying very hard not to think, and it was not going very well.

"Focusing on school."

"I figured as much," he said. "What about your father?" She merely shook her head.

"Still?"

"I don't want to talk to him," she said, looking away at the floor. "Not after the things he said."

"It's been months now. Don't you think it's time to patch things up? He's your father, after all." She didn't answer.

"Bella," he began gently. "Spending so much time apart without speaking...It makes you think. It makes you take a hard look at what's really important, humbles you. I think if you talked to him, you'd see it."

She meditated on his words as her fingers twisted about in her pockets. Even if that was true, it didn't solve the underlying problem, for which she still had no permanent solution.

"Maybe, but I can't live with him again. He made it very clear that when I'm in that house, I'm a child. I might as well be sixteen again for how much privacy and freedom I have, but I don't have many other options after I graduate. I don't want to live with Mom and Phil. I might be able to find a job and live on my own, but I don't know where to even begin."

Edward pursed his lips, observing her thoughtfully like he used to. It made her blush before. Now, it was just nice to looked at, to be seen by someone who loved her instead of judgemental eyes or the four walls around her bed. He cleared his throat.

"I think I might be able help," he said, with some trepidation.

"How?"

Maybe he wants to go convince Charlie to back off. He's more of a diplomat than I am.

"I have an idea, but I have some things I need to take care of first."

"Edward, come on. Tell me," she pleaded.

"I will. I promise."

It wasn't like him to be so opaque, and that made it all the more disconcerting. She always hated surprises, even though this was more of a mystery than a surprise.

"When?"

"Hmmm...how about Saturday? Six o'clock? We can talk about it over dinner."

This sounded more and more like one of his business meetings, as if they were going out to toss back martinis and discuss a merger. It was a silly thought. She was past grumbling and suspicions regarding his work. This was his way of handling these matters, she supposed. What an utterly perplexing day.

"Alight, then. Six o'clock it is."

In the days that followed, she began to wind herself down from the anticipation. It was time to just trust Edward and not ruminate so much. By the end of the week, it seemed like she had accomplished this, but her interrupted sleep begged to differ.

Tap...tap...tap.

It was coming from her bedroom window, perhaps falling acorns or a confused bird attacking its reflection. She padded over to the window and lifted it open.

"Hiya, Bells."

He grinned broadly up at her from the grass. His shaggy hair was windswept as always, the same faded jeans, the same black shirt the same hint of mischief in his eyes that always made her heart skip a beat. Just the sight of him had her feeling full to bursting.

"Jake!" she whispered hoarsely. "What're you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" he said, hoisting himself up into the tree.

Nimbly as a squirrel, he scaled the branches and slid over the windowsill. He wasted no time, hooking his muscular arm around her waist and pulling her roughly against him, only to plant a soft kiss on her lips. It never failed to make every muscle in her body turn to jelly. When he withdrew, it took a moment for her brain to switch back on. Even then, just beholding this gorgeous man with his arms wrapped around her kept her from returning to reality.

"What're you up to?" he asked, peeking over at the papers on the foot of her bed.

"Studying. What're you doing? I thought I wasn't going to see you."

"I'm saving you from yourself, you nerd," he chuckled. "It's Saturday, for God's sake. You know it's not right to leave your best girl home on a Saturday night."

"What would Brian Wilson say?" she said with feigned horror.

"Exactly. So I-" kiss- "came here-" kiss "-to get my best girl."

His mouth had already traveled along her jaw, his hot breath on her throat. It felt like it had been a lifetime since she saw him, and the rush of having so much of him back all at once was dizzying.

"God, I missed you," she sighed, her grip tightening on the back of his shirt.

"Me too. That's why I'm back here to fix it."

He was here, back in her arms where he belonged, where he should always be. She was never going to let him leave. After only a step or two backwards, she suddenly found herself pressed down across the bed with lips and hands roaming all over her. Her fingers tangled in his thick black hair as she tried to catch her breath.

"Jaaake," she whined.

"Mhmm?"

"I can't tonight, remember?"

"Are you sure?" he murmured into her ear, sending a shiver down her spine. "I can always help you study later."

There was something she was supposed to do, though she couldn't remember what it was, only that she couldn't stay here no matter how much she wanted to. Something was pulling her away, and it didn't care what she wanted.

"No," she gasped. "I can't."

"Why not?" he growled. He nipped at her earlobe, eliciting a hiss.

"I'm already running late."

What for? What was more important than this? She didn't want to go. Why couldn't she stay here with Jake?

"Late for what?"

Then it dawned on her, and everything began to unravel.

"I have to ...meet Edward...He wanted to talk to me about...something."

His body went rigid, and he pulled away, climbing back onto his feet. His jaw was tight, and his eyes burned.

"Jake, it's not like that-"

Wait, he wasn't supposed to be here. She wasn't supposed to be here. He was gone, remember? He couldn't be back. She didn't live here. This was wrong. The scene before her, his scowling face, all began to twist and blur and fade into blackness.

She woke with a start. The dark of her room was a cold greeting in the small hours of the morning, and as she fiercely clutched her pillow, she wondered if it would be better to stay awake or to fall asleep and risk picking up where the dream left off. It seemed so real, with even the smell of pine and engine oil still fresh in her mind. There was no escape anywhere, even in sleep. What's worse, it stirred up dormant thoughts that she had hoped to let lie, but it appeared that this was a taste of what was to come, years of wishing and wondering, hoping and praying, either to never know or wish she didn't. Doomed to forever mourn in choked whispers and sobs in the still moments of the night, spurned by the only ones who understood. She swallowed it all once again, and let exhaustion take her.

Alice found her in front of the mirror, trying to make her hair part the correct way and smudging on a touch of pink lipstick that was nearly the same color as her lips. She could see Alice looking her up and down like some kind of inspection.

"Going out tonight?" she asked, sitting neatly on the edge of her bed immaculately made bed.

"Yes."

"With a guy?"

"Yes," sighed Bella. "Well, sort of. I think." Alice raised an eyebrow.

"You think it's a guy, or you think it's a date?"

"The second one," she puffed.

"Finally! Is it someone I know? I bet it is. Oh! It's Edward, isn't it?" Bella hesitated, knowing full well what she was in for.

"Yes."

"Yes!" she squealed. "I knew it! You're getting back together with Edward! Oh, I'm so happy for you. I told Janet that he was a lost cause because he was still too in love with you, and I was right! She's not his type anyways. Too girly. I'm always right about these things. What did he say? Where are you going? Is that what you're wearing? Is this your first date since you split or-"

"-Now, hold your horses. It's just dinner. That doesn't mean he wants to go steady again." Alice rolled her eyes.

"Of course he does! You're still in love with him, right?"

She didn't answer right away, instead choosing to study her reflection in the mirror, as if staring into her own eyes would let her see even more inside herself.

"Yes."

"I knew it! See, he definitely wants you back, but you know he's too much of a gentleman to ask you since you were the one who dumped him in the first place." Her observation stung a little. "He's waiting for you, Bella. All you have to do is reach out and take him."

Those words echoed in her ears all the way to the restaurant, where Edward was waiting for her with his Prince Charming smile. He pulled out her chair and ordered a dark red wine. It was a bit rich for her blood, but there was no doubt the boy had taste. They chatted over a strange appetizer of cold shrimp and spicy red sauce. Rose was doing well, and Dr. Cullen was finally accepting Edward's departure from the crew team, both of which came as a relief to the pair. It wasn't long before the anticipation became too much.

"Edward, it's so nice of you to bring me here, and I don't mean to rush you, but I was hoping you would tell me what this big secret plan of yours is."

"Actually, this was just an elaborate ploy to get you to have dinner with me," he teased, making her giggle. It was such an odd sound to hear coming from her own mouth that she hardly registered that it had happened at all.

"No, I really do have something to talk to you about. Are you ready?"

"I think so," she said.

He took a deep breath.

"Come to Seattle with me."

"...What?"

"Come with me, Bella. Let's get married and leave Forks for good."

She gaped at him, unable to believe anything she was hearing. This had to be another dream.

"I have it all worked out," he said excitedly. "You can stay and finish school over the summer while I find a place for us to live, and as soon as you graduate, we're out of here, away from our parents, away from Forks, away from all these rubes. You always wanted to live somewhere else, didn't you? You'll really love Seattle, Bella. It's a great place to live. It's still by the ocean, just like Jacksonville and the peninsula, but it's so lively and interesting. Now, they haven't nailed down the specifics of my salary yet, but even on the low estimates, there would be more than enough for the both of us, so you wouldn't have to work or worry about money. It all works out perfectly."

"I..." she stammered. "I don't know." Her head was swimming, so much so that it was difficult to even imagine the life he was laying out before her.

"I know it's a big step, but I'm ready. Maybe you didn't believe you could count on me before, but you can now.. We can do this. I can give you the kind of life you deserve, one where no one but us decides where we go or what we do."

Reaching into the inner breast pocket of his jacket, he retrieved a little box covered in bright blue velvet and popped it open to reveal what lay inside: an elegant oval ring of gold polished to a mirror shine with dozens of tiny diamonds set in an intricate, lacy design. It was absolutely stunning.

"My heart has always been yours, Bella. From the very beginning. Will you take the rest of me, too?"

The door creaked open, and she cautiously stepped inside, wondering what to expect after so long. The house was dark, with only the fixture above the kitchen table offering any illumination. The door had barely latched shut behind her when a cluster of thumping footsteps raced to meet her. He was still in his uniform, a stain on his shirtfront, his hair oddly unruly. His mouth opened with a pop when he saw his daughter standing in the entryway like a guest.

"Bella?" She swallowed.

"Hi, Dad."

He seemed unsure what to do. It echoed their meeting years ago, the day she packed her life into two little suitcases and boarded her first airplane, bound for a completely new world on the other side of the country. Neither of them knew what to say to each other, or how to act, so they quietly existed together while they figured it out. Again, he silently ushered her into the kitchen, and she landed in her old seat at the table.

"Do-do you want something to drink? I'm out of milk but I have...water, I guess."

"I'm fine, thanks."

"Are you hungry? I can make you a sandwich or someth-"

"-Dad, I have to tell you something."

Her mouth was dry. He halted his busywork and sat down carefully across from her. Her father sat down heavily in the seat across, expectant, possibly holding his breath to ready himself for bad news.

"I'm listening." She swallowed again.

"Edward has asked me to marry him."

"Wow." His sigh of relief turned into a chuckle. "Wow, kiddo. That's...that's... big news." Charlie was transparent, as always. The man couldn't pretend to be impartial if his life depended on it.

"What did you say?"

"I told him I would have to think it over."

"I see," he said, turning to look out the window to conceal his frown.

Her father was trying. Clumsily, but trying, and she had to give credit where it was due. After everything that had happened, perhaps it was time for her to try, too.

"I just don't know if it's right." His brow furrowed.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean...Do you think it's possible to love two people at once?"

Charlie leaned back in his chair, letting out a long, heavy breath. She continued.

"I do love Edward. I just don't know if it's right to promise to give yourself completely to someone when you don't have all of your heart to give."

"I know you don't think I know much. I'm a terminal bachelor after all, but I've been around the block before. I was young once. I'm no rocket scientist, but I can tell you right now that love isn't that simple. Never has been, never will be."

"I guess," she said quietly, staring down at the scuffs and scratches in the tabletop. "I've already hurt Edward before, and I've disappointed him. He's a sweet guy, Dad. A wonderful man. Even with all the mistakes I've made, the things I've said and done, he still wants to marry me. I don't want to choose wrong and hurt him again. I don't want him to be disappointed in the person I really am."

"Nobody could ever be disappointed by you, kiddo," he said with a tender smile. "Not for a minute."

"I think you would be, if you knew."

He stared out the window, seemingly lost in thought. Every once in a while, he would look back at her, then back to the full moon bearing over them.

"I think it's time."

Weary but resolute, he quitted the kitchen for the linen closet, and after rummaging though, returned with a large round tin with a faded blue label that had once held cookies or crackers. He reverently placed it in the center of the table, then promptly retrieved a bottle of whiskey and two glasses from the cabinet, along with a heavy brass ashtray. She was surprised he even had one in the house, given how much he detested his habit. Banishing himself to the porch was his hairshirt in that regard. He poured her a glass, then a larger one for himself, then pulled so hard on his smoke that the cinder was nearly halfway down. He took a long sip.

"Drink," he said firmly, nodding to her glass. She didn't need to be told twice. His demeanor was strange, sort of cool and detached while jittery at the same time. So she waited.

"Just...promise me you'll listen all the way through before you say anything, alright?" She nodded warily.

"I don't need to tell you that me and your mother weren't very happy in those last couple years."

She remembered all too well. There were a lot of arguments that appeared to spring out of nowhere, days where Renee wouldn't speak to him, all those extra shifts he would pick up just to not be home, all culminating in a screaming match that, though she couldn't hear what it was about, affirmed for young Bella that the end had finally come.

"Your mother never wanted to live in Forks, you see. She was never a small town girl. Used to talk about moving to the city, somewhere exciting."

"Mom's always been a free spirit," she said, sipping absently.

"But you know me, and so did she. When I look back, I realize that she stayed here for me. All those years, waiting patiently for me to get my act together while taking care of the three of us. After a few years, she started to resent me for making her stay here, and I resented her for not being happy with what we had."

He paused and refilled his glass. The veneer of calm on his face was eerily familiar, but not on her father. She knew that face, that sadness so feebly buried by a frozen mouth and still eyes. She was so well practiced in it that she was almost ashamed that she didn't recognize it sooner.

Guilt.

"Go ahead. Open it."

Bella hesitantly reached for the tin and wrestled it open. Inside were dozens upon dozens of envelopes, along with other odds and ends, most notably a pressed wildflower, its fragile petals beginning to crumble.

"About ten years ago, I met a woman. She was one of the prettiest little things I'd ever seen, and sweet as pie too, so long as you didn't make her mad," he chuckled. "I found out she was married too, with two little kids and a husband who was a mechanic that spent more time working than at home. We were both unhappy in our marriages, but we were always happy when we were together. I fell hard, kiddo," he sighed, avoiding looking at the letters. "And fast. I don't know that's I've ever felt more alive than in the year I had with her."

She listened while she sifted through the yellowed paper, the envelopes stuffed with two or three pages written in a messy cursive that was difficult to decipher. How she felt about his confessions was even less clear. He recalled her so fondly, even after all this time, but there was also no mistaking the shame that hovered around his memories.

"But everything's got it's price." His second cigarette was down to the filter. Now on his third, he squeezed his eyes shut, resting his head in his hands on the kitchen table. Charlie was slowly beginning to come apart.

"Her husband died all of a sudden," he said solemnly. "I don't remember how. She was in such a state, but I couldn't set foot over there. I had to just sit here and let her cry all alone in that house. I didn't hear from her for weeks. When I finally heard from her, she told me she still loved me, but she couldn't forgive herself for what she'd done. I never saw her again."

She'd never seen her father cry. He was tough and guarded that he might as well have been made of wood. One single tear rolled down his cheek, though it was just as good as a flood from him.

"Your mother found the letters, of course. She never said anything before, but I think she always suspected. It wasn't 'til I saw Renee crying her eyes out on the kitchen floor that I truly understood what I'd done. What I'd done to her, to you, to all of us."

"Dad-" He held up his hand to stop her.

"I lost my wife, the woman I'd been in love with for fifteen years. I lost years with my daughter, and I damn near lost even more." He was slowly regaining his composure. "I'm not gonna tell you who to marry, Bella. I love you more than anything in this world, and I want you to be happy, but I do want you to listen to me and listen good: The grass'll always look greener on the other side, no matter where you're sitting. You've got a lot of good things in your life, good people. If you throw it all away for some fantasy that can't come true, then it won't be long before you're left with nothing."

The lines around his eyes betrayed the same kind of pulsating wound she had been nursing all this time, aged but never healing over enough to merit a scar. So many little things, so many similarities where there shouldn't have been, all started to come together.

She coaxed one letter out, water stains and smudges obscuring the text. Two pages, packed to the margins, probably detailing all this woman's hopes and dreams, her desires, her joys, her sadness, pouring it all out in a way that felt too real, too personal for Bella to be privy to. She scanned to the bottom, unsure of what she was looking for until she found it.

All my love,

Sue

A/N: Two-for-one bombs in this chapter. Things are ramping up for our girl, and there's a lot more to come.

Given the state of the world right now, I'm having a little trouble keeping up with the posting schedule I made. I promise that if the next chapter takes me too long to post, I'll give you something else to tide you over.

Thanks so much for reading! Please leave your thoughts in the reviews! It helps me a lot.

UPDATE: I just started a new Tumblr associated with this account, Your-Void-senpai. It's currently under construction, so bear with me while I make it pretty. Follow and suggest hilarious Twilight content accounts, and I'll follow you back!