Stay
Chapter 34
A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.
Here is Chapter 34. Usual trigger warnings, as well as courtroom testimony, religious homophobia, and discussion of vaginismus.
I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.
Olivia picked up on the first ring. "Al?"
"Hey, honey." Alex's heart melted at the concern so evident in her partner's voice as she uttered only her name, a lingering question in the air. "So, she put a diagnosis of secondary vaginismus on my chart." The ADA sighed, getting into her car and locking the doors. "She said in the future she'll write a prescription for a muscle relaxant before my appointments, but she didn't want to do that today so she could get an accurate idea of how I react to intrusion."
Liv, who had put aside her case paperwork and had been staring at the clock since nine a.m, bit her lip on the other end of the line. "So, you let her do an exam?"
"Yeah." Cabot knew the older woman would be worried, and it wasn't as if Alex had enjoyed the process, but this was a stressful time for both of them, and the last thing she wanted was to add to the brunette's anxiety, so she kept her voice soft, even as her breathing accelerated at the recent memory. "She wasn't married to the idea, but it's helpful for the diagnostic process."
When Alex was calm, her voice was like velvet. It was liquid comfort, something she could listen to infinitely. When she wasn't, however, the strain was obvious in her breath, and the dulcet tone of it was nowhere to be found. Olivia could tell she was faking her normal voice, but she didn't mention it. She just wished she could instantly transport herself to wherever the lawyer was, so she could kiss her face, rub her back, and hold her hand. "Since you have a diagnosis, I imagine it didn't go well."
"No, it…." Alex coughed, thickening her voice. "There was definitely resistance. I mean, she put her fingers inside me, and that's a trigger, so. It only hurt a little though, and she didn't push it much."
"I'm so sorry, sweetie. I wish I was there."
"I'm okay, Liv. I promise." She wasn't lying. She was indeed still coming down from an adrenaline rush, and she had experienced a notable amount of pain during the exam, but Alex knew that she was safe, that Dr. Whitley was on her side, and she now had answers to questions she'd only recently begun to let herself ask. "She was going to refer me to a therapist, but I told her about Kimani. I'm just relieved to know I'm not crazy."
Olivia smiled at Elliot through the conference room window, letting him walk by before comforting the woman, almost instinctively. "You're not crazy, my love," she soothed, her heart aching. "You have an illness, which is a reasonable development given what you've been through. I just hate the idea of you there alone."
"I know. But I'll see you in court, and then you'll know that I really am alright." There was a pause over the phone line as Olivia waited for her partner to continue speaking. "Oh, that reminds me. I got a call from Cleo Conrad about the Karzai case. I think they're going to accept a deal. But I was looking at the case file, and...did you know that he's—well, was—on the last year of his residency, specializing in gynecology?"
It wasn't necessarily relevant to the case, so Liv had decided to keep this information to herself, knowing it would only stoke Alex's ire. "I do remember seeing that, yeah."
"I swear, Liv, if I were taking this to trial, I'd be tempted to tack on an attempt charge."
Both women allowed the meaningful silence that followed. Olivia spoke first. "I love you."
The attorney turned her key in the ignition, letting the calming effect of the detective's voice flow over her. "I love you too, baby."
It felt like no time at all had passed before Alex found herself saying, "At this time, your honor, the people rest our case."
Kressler immediately petitioned to dismiss the charges due to insufficient evidence. Alex knew this was generally done as a formality, but she didn't put it past Bradley to grant the motion. Kressler could very well make an argument for there being grounds to dismiss. To the ADA's utter shock, the judge denied the petition.
She'd have a chance to fix this in cross.
The defense's first witness was a parishioner, who was there to serve as a character witness on behalf of D'Agostino.
Kressler's questions were standard—he inquired about his experiences with the priest, his values, etc. He basically testified that D'Agostino was so Catholic that he would never commit sins of the flesh, let alone with another man. He actually used the word "man"!
Alex couldn't wait to take a bite out of him.
"Mr. Mackenzie, you've testified today that because Father D'Agostino is Catholic, it is not possible that he sexually abused the complainants in this case. Is that correct?"
The man, in a button up plaid shirt, leaned into the microphone and cleared his throat. "Father believes in the tenets of the Catholic Church, Ms. Cabot." He paused. "Or is it Mrs. Cabot?"
Alex blanched, and she could practically feel Olivia's eyes boring into him as the character witness clearly purposefully taunted her. Had Kressler coached him? If so, how could she object? She turned to Bradley, her palms moments away from dripping. "Your honor, please instruct the witness to answer the question."
The judge stiffened. "Please answer the question, Mr. Mackenzie."
"Yes, Mrs. Cabot," he stressed. "That is correct."
Olivia's fingers balled into fists. "Ignore him," she mouthed, knowing her partner wouldn't be able to see her. It was probably better that way.
"Do the tenets of the Catholic Church condone sexual assault?" she continued, as if she hadn't heard his last jab.
Benson nodded to herself. Sometimes attorney Alex came in handy, which was a truth she hated. If Olivia had been qualified to try this case, she would have switched places with the blonde in a heartbeat.
"Of course not." Mackenzie placed his hand over his heart, as if he had been seriously offended. "But like I said, as a priest, Father would never even consider doing…that. Homosexuality is a sin, you know." His face scrunched up in disgust.
Breathe.
Alex pulled a rebuttal argument out of her ass.
Olivia loves you.
You love Olivia.
You are not dirty.
Your connection is beautiful.
Pastor Paul was wrong.
Mackenzie is wrong.
Mom and Dad were wrong.
You are not wrong.
Olivia loves you. Olivia loves you. Olivia loves you.
Breathe.
"Mr. Mackenzie, are you aware of the epidemic of sexual abuse against children within the Catholic Church?"
"Objection—relevance," Kressler called out.
"Sustained."
Alex didn't think her predicament could get any worse until Monday came around, when she and Olivia were walking down the hallway, the attorney catching a glimpse of an unwelcome face.
"Dr. Currier," she greeted the ER physician that had examined the boys, probably less politely than she should have. "What are you doing here?"
"I was subpoenaed." The doctor sighed, wanting to make it clear to the prosecutor that it was not his choice to be at the Supreme Courthouse. "Defense wants me to testify that the boys sustained no injuries, thus no assaults."
"Jesus Christ, what is this, 1850? Does he have you here as an expert?"
The doctor shook his head in the negative. "Just a fact witness."
Olivia was shocked to witness her muttering the word "shit" under her breath.
The prosecutor caught sight of the defense attorney in the corner of her eye, pivoting quickly in his direction and sensing Olivia not far behind her. "Kressler! You're insane if you think I'm not going to object to this new witness."
He kept his voice low so as not to draw attention to the counselors arguing outside the courtroom. There were jurors in the area. "Alex, I have the right to discovery. You don't."
He wasn't wrong.
"If you think you have this case in the bag, then why the hell did you decide to spring this on me without even the courtesy of a timely notification?"
"Relax, Alex. You can request a recess to prepare for cross if you're not ready. Besides, I had a feeling you'd have a problem with this, so I was already on my way to you and then to chambers, as a courtesy." He held up the unnecessary blue tri-fold and handed it over. "Care to follow or are you just going to continue berating me in front of God and everybody because you blame me for your losing case?"
Benson stepped forward, and she recognized too late that she was likely closer to the woman she loved than she should have been. But after the first several days of the trial, her protective urges were off the charts. Alex had been embarrassed by the judge, publicly harassed by Kressler, and verbally assaulted by a defense witness. "Watch your mouth, Kressler," she spat.
The attorney hummed, smiling. "Alex, I see you have your watch dog with you."
Alex gave her partner a pleading look. "Olivia is not my watch dog, and she is well aware that I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself."
The look on Kressler's face bordered on pity for a moment, and it made Alex feel nauseous. "You know, I'm still open to a deal. Third degree sex abuse. I'll even throw in the max sentence of three months for each charge, served concurrently of course, if it'll make you happy."
"Never in a million years." She crossed her arms over her chest, gritting her teeth, as she noticed Liv force herself to take a few steps away from the arguing lawyers. "I won't give up on these children."
"I'm trying to extend an olive branch here, Alex."
Cabot scoffed. Did he think she was completely oblivious? "You're not trying to extend an olive branch, Roger, you're trying to get me to frantically wave a white flag."
"If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. It's your loss, Alex. No worries. It'll be over soon. I don't need much time to dismantle your case." He turned to leave. "You coming?"
Was Alex really going to argue against a witness to which she had no real legal grounds to object? She turned to Olivia after Kressler walked away. "It's going to be a long day," she said to her.
Olivia's head tipped to the side, her expression pained. For her mental health, Alex needed to get away from everything about this case. Benson longed to take her by the hand and run away with her. They could go on a vacation and be alone together for weeks—no defense attorneys to badger Alex's witnesses, no Elliot constantly asking questions, no rapists, at least for a little while.
The prosecutor would never dream of abandoning this case. She'd put so much into it already. Tommy, Dominic, and Bryson needed someone to fight for them.
"Is there something you can do," Olivia asked, hoping against hope, "about Judge Sustained and Mr. Homophobia is a Valid Defense?"
The ADA shook her head. "At this point, I'd probably need to out myself to the State Bar in order to accuse him of something substantial." Olivia knew her girlfriend wasn't ready to do that, and she understood why, as Kressler had so cavalierly latched on to a shred of evidence that Cabot could be gay. "I gotta go," Alex whispered, ignoring her need to touch the brunette, biting her lip at the loss of proximity as she strode away towards Bradley's chambers.
To nobody's surprise, less than ten minutes later, Alex sat at the prosecution desk as Kressler examined Dr. Currier. "Doctor, did the complaining witnesses in this case present with injury?"
"No, but—" he tried, being interrupted by Kressler.
"Doctor, 'yes' or 'no' will suffice here."
Currier sighed. "Mr. Kressler, this issue is more complicated—"
The lawyer didn't let him finish. "Your honor, permission to treat the witness as hostile?"
"You may proceed, counselor," Bradley announced. "Doctor, you must answer Mr. Kressler's question."
"No," he relented. "None of the boys were injured."
"In your personal experience as an ER physician, is it common for sexual abuse survivors to present with injury?"
He spoke quietly. "Yes."
The defense attorney nodded, satisfied. "Is it common for them to present with no injuries at all?"
Dr. Currier hesitated, glancing for a moment at Alex, who he wished he could have helped more. He saw victims of sexual violence all the time, and it angered him that his knowledge was being used in favor of an abuser. "No," he eventually forced out.
That was all Kressler needed. "Thank you, Dr. Currier. Nothing further."
Alex stood up immediately. This was probably her last chance to make a point, and it needed to be a good one. She cut straight to the chase. "Doctor, is it possible for a sexual assault to result in no injuries?"
Kressler hadn't made it to the defense desk yet, and he didn't even bother to turn around. "Objection. Dr. Currier is here as a fact witness, and Ms. Cabot is asking him to speculate."
This man didn't even have to fight. Alex fought day in and day out to exist as anything more than a shell of a human being. Finding meaning in life look almost three decades, and Kressler didn't even raise his voice to make the objection. He was calm, confident that his objection would be upheld by the judge. Cabot's life had been full of heartache, danger, pain. Kressler took one look at her and deemed her incompetent, overly emotional, biased. This is why human Alex had been locked up, and the key had been thrown away eighteen years earlier. It was not safe to feel.
But God, how deeply she felt in the moment the defense attorney took away her chance.
She swiveled towards Bradley, frustration lacing her voice. "He's a doctor!"
"ADA Cabot," the judge chastised. "The objection is sustained. Move on, counselor."
Is this what surrender felt like? "I...have no further questions for this witness."
A few beats.
"Your honor, the defense rests."
Olivia was on the phone with Kimani by the time Alex made it out to her car. The courthouse was empty, so Liv decided to keep her car in the parking garage, opting instead to drive the younger woman home, but first, she thought it might be helpful for the blonde to be somewhere other than the apartment or Trial Part 32. "She can get us in for an emergency appointment. Just for some support right now. We can talk about Dr. Whitley if you want. What do you think?"
"Yeah, I need—" She cut herself off, tired of the sound of her own voice. "Thank you, sweetie."
"Of course, love. You're not alone. I've got you." Alex nodded in response, wordlessly getting into the passenger seat.
When they arrived at the LMFT's office, Kimani welcomed them into the small, cozy room, and both women thanked her for seeing them after hours. "Alex, I know you can't share the details, but do you want to talk some about how the trial of this case is affecting you?"
"No," she replied at once, her voice resolute. "I cannot think about that mess anymore today."
"Understood."
"I want," she continued without prompting, "to be productive, to be useful to myself, so I'd like to discuss a diagnosis I recently received from my gynecologist. I was diagnosed with secondary vaginismus, and I'm curious if you have techniques to manage it."
All three women sat down, and Kimani leaned forward in her armchair. "Alex, I'm more than happy to discuss this with you. Is this a conversation you'd like Olivia to be a part of?" Cabot just nodded, scooting slightly closer to the brunette. "Okay, so first thing—I want to thank you for telling me about this diagnosis. I know it can be hard to talk about. I do have lots of experience with vaginismus, and I have plenty of action steps that I can share with you. Can I ask you a question first?" Another nod. "Are you surprised by this diagnosis?"
"Not really," the prosecutor replied. "I stopped trying to use tampons as a teenager for a reason. I think a part of me always knew it was bigger than just fear."
"Fear is a huge trigger for vaginismus, as are other things you've experienced, like abuse, sexual repression, and internalized homophobia. The good thing here is we know what's causing it, and we'll continue to address these factors in our sessions together."
"So, what about—how do I help myself, physically?" the attorney asked Kimani. She was aware of the use of dilators to treat vaginismus, and the idea of putting anything foreign inside herself made her want to clamp her thighs shut, but she knew she needed to hear the woman out.
Kimani sensed that her client seemed ready to move forward to some extent. "Alex, do you feel ready to discuss an action plan? That is, of course, if you want to take action."
"Yeah, I…I do."
"Great, so, my question for you before we begin is, when it comes to managing your vaginismus, what would you like our goal to be? How would you define success here?" When Alex didn't answer, Kimani gave her some specific examples of things her clients had told her in the past. "Are you just looking to make doctors' appointments less uncomfortable? Are you wanting to use tampons? Have penetrative sex?"
"I would…I would like for, uh," she stuttered, blushing furiously and resisting the need to bury her face in Liv's shirt. "I would like for penetration to be an option in our sex life at some point. That's what I want to work towards."
The marriage and family therapist was satisfied with Alex's conviction. "Alright, duly noted. And Olivia, can I ask how you feel about that?"
Benson was hoping she wouldn't be included in this discussion, mostly because she was feeling so conflicted. Alex's comfort was paramount, and Olivia struggled with the thought that she would never be fully comfortable with Alex being that vulnerable, especially when her own arousal was anxiety inducing. "I…I want that too, but I know that Alex needs to feel safe, and her needs are more important than my wants."
"Baby, I want this." Their desire for progress forced them to play the long game. Alex just wanted the love of her life to trust that she wouldn't lie to her. She was in a better place. And as dreadful as the events of the D'Agostino trial were, and as confused as she was about why nothing had been going her way, she wasn't confused about Olivia. She wanted Olivia—in every way humanly possible. "I promise. This is a process, and I just want to get started. You can be involved as little or as much as you want to be."
When Liv leaned her forehead in to meet the lawyer's, Kimani began speaking once again. "It sounds to me like you both are on the same page. It's normal to have hesitations, and neither of you ever have to do something you're not comfortable with. My job is to give you the information you need to do the work if and when you feel ready for it. But it's never, ever mandatory. Do you want to hear what I generally recommend for my clients that struggle with vaginismus?"
They both nodded, joining hands.
"So, generally, Alex, I set people up with vaginal dilators, but based on the specifics of your case, I'm going to guess that using dilators may be more harmful than helpful for you."
"How come?"
"Well, you struggle with control," Kimani explained, both women already aware of this, something the therapist often reminded Alex was a strength, "which is more than understandable. I'm afraid that using an object will prevent you from feeling what you're doing, and will worsen your limbic response."
In that case, was there no hope for her? "So, what do you suggest?"
"I'm going to suggest using your own fingers instead."
Alex was surprised, not to mention disappointed. "Oh." She'd already done this, and it wasn't working.
"It would be a very structured process," Kimani assured, making eye contact with both women, "and it's something I've had success with in the past with other clients." She handed the blonde a piece of paper with instructions and a few diagrams on it, and already Alex could see that what the woman was suggesting was vastly different than what she'd tried in the past. "It's the same general principle as the dilators, but this will give you more sensory feedback and more control. So, what you would do is start with just your pinky finger, using lubricant or even water helps, and you'll insert it into your vagina only up to the first knuckle. You'll take a few deep breaths and then if you're comfortable, you would go up to the second knuckle. Don't continue if you're feeling pain. Some discomfort is okay, but don't push yourself to the point of pain or panic. That'll be counterproductive. Make sense?"
"Yeah." Alex had never maintained more extended eye contact with anyone other than Olivia, and the ADA absorbed every word, as if Kimani were a teacher and she were the star pupil. "And then, would I do the same with my other fingers?"
"Yes," she confirmed, "but this is supposed to be a process that takes weeks or even months. I recommend going in size order from pinky to thumb and only doing one finger per session, and no more than two sessions per day. Because it can be nerve-wracking, I always ask clients to set a timer for fifteen minutes and once it goes off, stop. You don't have to do the full fifteen minutes, but I wouldn't ever do more until you're successful with each finger most of the time. You following still?"
"Yeah. No, it makes a lot of sense." Alex glanced at Olivia to check for her understanding, and the detective smiled softly at her, placing a hand on her back.
"Glad to hear it. Are you overwhelmed with this, or do you want to talk about the rest of the steps?"
"I'm good. I need to feel productive right now, and this is helping."
"Just stop me if it gets to be too much, Alex." She waited for a nod and then continued. "Okay, so once you can do every finger, you can try two at a time if you want to. Same thing here, up to fifteen minutes twice a day until you are usually successful. At this point, if you want to, and I'm going to stress that point—only if you both want to—you can repeat the process with Olivia's fingers. Olivia, I want to ask if this is something you'd want to do."
Benson had been following along intently, and she'd been awed by the hope in Alex's eyes. It was the attorney's willingness to admit it was something she wanted that inspired her to do the same. "Yes. Absolutely," she said to Kimani and to her girlfriend. Alex smiled and leaned into the older woman.
"I'm going to let you both have these instructions, so you don't have to remember all of this. I also want to say, Alex, the work you've been doing here over the past several months will aid in this process. Dismantling all of the toxic beliefs you've internalized about sex is an important step not only to allow yourself to experience sexual stimulation, but also when it comes to learning to enjoy it. If you are aroused by these exercises, that is nothing to be ashamed of. Never force yourself to continue if you're uncomfortable—I'm going to say that like fifteen more times—but arousal is often a natural result, so be kind to yourself. You too, Olivia—be kind to yourself. Remember your rebuttal arguments, and communicate with yourselves and with each other. You have the tools you need here. Be with yourself in the moment, and remember that you deserve your own compassion. How are we feeling?"
Alex deferred to Olivia, knowing the brunette would expect her to speak first. "I'm…I'm good. It's all a little daunting, but I know we can work through it. What about you, sweetheart? I know a lot of this work is on you."
The younger woman nodded. "I know. But I'm not alone anymore."
A/N: Thank you for reading. I start my internship at a Domestic Violence Shelter (I'm scared and excited and all the feelings) next Thursday, so I am trying to write and post as many chapters as possible before then. The verdict is in the next chapter. Predictions?