Well, Melbourne has entered lockdown 2.0 ft. curfew and bubbles and 5km rules so here I am again. A few people read the last update, but I didn't really have any comments from many people on it so I'm basically just finishing the story off for myself now. Anyway, publishing it anyway in case non reviewing lurkers are out there and are enjoying it.
If this story and any of its themes raises issues for you I encourage you to get in touch with your local sexual assault crisis line. In Australia this number is 1800 RESPECT and in the US it is 800 656 4673. Alternatively call lifeline on 13 11 14. Take care everyone.
Standing with you
The more I tell you you can do this. The more you tell yourself you're useless. Any advice right now is fruitless. You're somewhere only you can go. I won't pretend to know. Instead of telling you you'll be alright, I'm just going to be that someone by your side. Let me be that distant satellite, a constant in the sky. Cause I'm standing with you tonight. I'll be that voice in your ear, quietly destroying your fear
Shannon awoke abruptly in the middle of the night, the hair on the back of her neck standing upright, a film of sweat across her brow. Distant honking of horns and a low beat indicating a neighbouring Saturday night party filled the air. Shannon reached for the gun on her bedside table and turned the lights on, her pulse pounding in her head. Silently moving from room to room with her gun drawn, clearing each space like a job at work, unable to shake the feeling that someone was watching her. A headache creeping in, the overwhelming feelings of anxiety and panic threatening to take hold she grabbed her keys and headed for her car, gun still at the ready. She looked back as she drove away, trying to detect any movement near her door but everything seemed still in the dark of the night.
Letting herself into Lawson's apartment she let out a breath she didn't realise she'd been holding. Not yet home from his night shift, Shannon climbed into his bed, leaving the bedside lamp on.
Kerrie, I'm feeling super unwell so not heading in to work today, think you can find some cover for me? Sorry for the late notice. Shannon.
She lay down in bed, nursing her phone in one hand and gun in the other, waiting to hear back from Kerry before she set an alarm on her phone.
Three hours later Lawson walked in to his house, he was surprised to see Shannon's car in the driveway this early, assuming he wouldn't see her today. He saw the glow of the lights in his bedroom as he kicked his shoes off and dumped his bag down at the door. He abruptly stopped in the door of the bedroom when he saw Shannon lying on the bed, her gun resting in her right hand. Instantly panicked he moved towards her.
"Oh shit" he said as he got to her side and picked the gun up. Shannon abruptly sat up in a panic seeing the flash of a gun she tried reaching for hers. She screamed loudly and threw her phone as hard as she could at Frank...
"Shannon, thank God, it's Lawson. It's ok"
Shannon scrambled out of the other side of the bed before focusing in on the man on the other side of the room. It was Lawson. Not frank.
"What the fuck are you doing Lawson?"
"What am I doing? Shannon Jesus Christ, sleeping with a gun in your hand, I thought you ..." Lawson left the rest of the sentence unsaid.
"What you thought I'd killed myself in your bed. Fuck Lawson, do you think things are that bad?" She grabbed on to the side table as she tried to stop the approaching panic attack.
"I just saw you and a gun and freaked out. Can you blame me? I feel like you only tell me half the story all the time and I just don't know how to help you when you shut down"
Shannon heard only part of what Lawson said, feeling as if she was floating above the conversation instead of being part of it. The familiar tingling in her finger tips and tightness in her chest left her gasping for air.
"Shan? Shannon? What's happening? Honey sit down" Lawson said concerned.
Shannon slid down sitting on the ground against the bed. Keeping a safe distance he crouched down on the ground.
"Shannon look at me" Lawson said softly. Her eyes, full of fear and tears met his.
"This is a panic attack and you're going to be ok. Tell me three things you can touch."
"The carpet, the doona and the lamp" she said quickly between breaths, her eyes firmly shut trying to keep the world out.
"Three things you can smell" Lawson said.
"Candle, the newspaper and you"
"I love you Shannon and you're going to be ok. Three things you can see"
Her breathing was becoming more regular and she slowly opened her eyes. She took time to look and answered slower and more in control.
"Our bed, my ugg boots and you" she said slowly.
They sat in silence for a while as Shannon slowly regained control.
"I'm so sorry. I know I shouldn't have just abruptly woken you up like that. It was shit and I just panicked"
"Me too" Shannon replied dryly. She looked up and looked into Lawson's eyes.
"I'm not suicidal. I can't lie and tell you I'm ok because I'm struggling. But I promise you I'm not ready to leave you just yet"
Shannon shuffled to her left, allowing a space for Lawson to sit next to her. She grabbed hold of his hand and lay her head on his shoulder.
"We've been here before. We're getting stuck in a holding pattern I don't know how to get out of" she said quietly.
"Shan, we will come out the other side of this. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but I promise you, there is light at the end of the tunnel".
"Laws, don't make promises you can't keep"
"I didn't" he replied firmly. He stood up in front of Shannon, holding his hands out to her. She reached up and let him pull her to her feet, trying to blink away the accompanying feeling of dizziness she felt. She sat back on the bed, Lawson walking around to pick up the neglected gun now lying on the floor.
"So, what's with the gun?" He said.
"I was cleaning it" Shannon said innocently.
"Right, and I'm the pope" Lawson replied
"I just felt like someone was watching me" Shannon began before been cut off by Lawson.
"What? Where? What do you mean watching you? Do you think this prick knows where you live?"
"Lawson calm down. I just think I had a nightmare and it just manifested as me thinking someone was watching. It's probably nothing, I just felt weird so I came here and didn't mean to fall asleep obviously"
"I'm going to go to your place, just have a look around." Lawson said as he began to move towards the door.
"No, please don't" Shannon replied, grabbing his hand.
Lawson looked back at his girlfriend realising that maybe she had more fear for her life than she had previously let on.
"Ok" he replied simply.
"I went through and checked the whole place and it was clear. It's just my traumatised brain playing tricks on me. I just want to sleep, just leave it."
"I said okay" Lawson replied. He handed Shannon her gun back hesitantly.
"If you ever get in that head space, I need you to promise to tell me? I mean it, I can't" he trailed off.
"I promise" Shannon said solemnly. Turning away from Lawson she put her gun on the bedside table and pulled the blankets up around her, curling into a ball.
"Night" she said to him and closed her eyes, feigning sleep to stop the questioning.
"Night" he replied to Shannon's turned back. He pulled his shirt and pants off, climbing in to the bed next to her. He turned away, back to back with Shannon and realised the distance between them had never felt bigger.
Two days later
Shannon lay in bed staring at the ceiling. It was 5am and the familiar pulsing of a migraine in her head was beating like 1000 drums. She heard the scratching of a key in the front lock, knowing it was about time Lawson was due home. She rolled over, shutting her eyes, draping one arm across her head. She knew she was dangerously close to falling off a depressive precipice. Luckily Lawson had worked several hours of overtime over the last few days, leaving Shannon able to stay in bed and wallow in her thoughts without Lawson hovering anxiously by the bedside.
"Hey, it's just me" she heard Lawson whisper in to the dark. She'd turned the lights off tonight, the brightness aggravating her migraine, the darkness aggravating her nightmares. Having him there made her feel more at ease, like he was her light in the dark. She didn't have the words to tell him though so she remained silent, continuing to feign sleep.
"Night Shan" he said as he climbed in beside her.
Several hours later, Shannon was awoken by the distant humming of the kettle and afternoon TV. Her head continued to pound and she groaned as she turned over.
"How are you feeling?" Lawson said as he walked back in to the bedroom.
"Mhph" Shannon mumbled, burying her head in the pillow.
"I've made you some toast and a cuppa" he said as he put the plate and tea down on the bed next to Shannon.
"Yeah? What happened to no toast in bed?" Shannon said.
"Well, I'm willing to forgo my crumbs in the bed sheets rule when you're sick. Don't get used to it though" he said.
"Thanks" Shannon replied with a slight smile, making no moves to eat the toast.
"I'm going for a run, want to come?" Lawson said.
"No thanks" she responded, settling in under the doona and closing her eyes. "Have fun"
Lawson left the room, increasingly concerned about his girlfriend. He'd never known her to knock back a run, even after her attack and struggling with pneumonia she was out running as much as she could, lecturing him about exercise and mental health. Three shifts she had called in sick for and he hadn't seen her out of bed that whole time other than to get an occasional glass of water or use the bathroom. As he left the house he pulled his phone out of his pocket, deciding it was time to get in some reinforcements.
By the time he got back to his place an hour later, Shannon had fallen asleep. The cup of tea half empty and only a small bite from the corner of the toast, Lawson sighed as he headed towards the shower.
Shannon woke up abruptly at the sound of the doorbell, hearing mumbled voices in the distance. She made her way to the bathroom, deciding to have a shower in hopes of making herself feel better and avoiding whomever was there to see Lawson. She stayed in the shower until the water turned cold before putting on fresh pyjamas and climbing back in to bed.
"Hey, you feeling any better?" Lawson said as he walked in to the bedroom.
"Sort of" Shannon lied easily.
"Well your mum is here to see you"
"What?" Shannon replied, sitting up in the bed. "Did you call her?"
"Glad to hear you are so thrilled to see me darling" Shannon's mother said as she appeared in the doorway.
"Mum, hi" she replied as she moved towards her mother. Her mum enveloped her in a tight hug and Shannon felt tears welling up in her eyes. She pulled away and avoided her Mum's questioning gaze.
"I have to get to work but I'll be on my mobile if you need anything".
"Thanks Lawson," Mary said before pulling him in for a hug.
"Have a good shift" Shannon added, smiling slightly as he left.
Shannon moved back towards the bed, sitting on top of the covers hugging her knees.
"So. What did Lawson tell you?" Shannon questioned.
"That you've had a migraine for a few days and he is worried about you and feels guilty for not being home looking after you. Why?"
"Nothing".
"hmm, very forthcoming of you. Well, how's your head feeling?"
"It's fine,"
"Is everything ok with you and Lawson?"
"It's fine. Mum."
"Everything is fine hey?" she replied.
"That's what I said" Shannon said.
"Well, it's not what your face or you being in bed for three days is saying. Is this about Michael?"
"No. I mean, I miss him more than I thought I would. Turns out buying a house with someone maybe does make you more attached to them than you realise
"How's the rest of the team dealing with it?"
"Stella is struggling. Lawson and I haven't really talked about it."
"Lawson lost one of his team and you two haven't spoken about it? You know, for two negotiators who literally get paid to communicate, you guys need to work on talking to each other"
Shannon rolled her eyes in response before getting out of bed and walking towards the bathroom. "I need more pain relief, this conversation is making my migraine worse" Shannon mumbled.
"Well, I'm going to go and make some soup. You go to sleep or come and chat. Whatever you need honey, I'm here ok"
"Yep, thanks Mum"
TR BASE
Kerry had spent a great deal of time considering her next move. She felt like Shannon's phone was burning a hole in her pocket. Increasingly concerned she was only get half the picture from Shannon she had finally settled on what to do.
"Leon, I need a favour" Kerry said approaching the IT operator when the team had finally left and the intel room was empty.
"Kerry Vincent needs a favour, this will be good. So, who is he?"
"What?"
"Come on, got a hot date? What are we doing? Background check? Bit of extracurricular surveillance?"
"No smartarse, actually this is sort of a work thing. But it's in the vault Leon, no one and I mean no one can know I asked you to do this. Particularly any of the team ok?"
"Yeah ok, you got it." He replied, sobering up at the serious tone in which Kerry was making the request. "What do you need?"
"I have a phone number, I need to know who it belongs to, where it is, and anything you can find out about the person it's registered to, ok?"
"Sure, it will take me a bit."
"Here'' Kerry said, handing Leon a post it note with a number scrawled on it. "And Leon, I'm serious, no one can know"