Remus arrived home in fairly high spirits. Sirius hadn't returned from his ride before he had his shift at the soup kitchen, which he was honestly thankful for. The last thing he wanted was to get into another argument then have to walk out in the middle of it.
He'd been enjoying his time volunteering. It had only been a couple of shifts, but it was helping him stay focused. There were a lot of people who came in going through hard times, and he enjoyed being able to provide them with a friendly ear as much as the more material comforts they offered. He'd spent a good portion of the last two years living in tents or trailers himself thanks to his missions, and he knew what it meant to be poor. Hell, there had been times in his childhood, when they were moving around a lot (still hopeful for a cure that didn't exist) before finally settling in the north, where his family had been not far off the situation a lot of these folks were in.
A lot of the folks coming through seemed to be able to sense that. After all, he did have the look of someone who had lived rough, unlike a lot of the other volunteers. The others were genuinely lovely people for the most part, but the younger ones tended to be middle class uni students looking to do a little good in their free time.
As a result, the clientele were a bit quicker to trust him. They would swap stories (with Remus heavily obfuscating some of the key details of his own) and get into some interesting conversations. At times they'd landed on the topic of addiction. There were more than a few people who came through that were struggling with drugs and alcohol, and some of them were very candid about this fact. If they were honest with him, then Remus was honest back to the best of his ability. In the beginning he had expected this might be an issue for him, being exposed to that sort of stuff. It actually turned out to be somewhat cathartic. The couple of people he had disclosed his addiction to had been incredibly encouraging about his efforts to stay clean, even if they themselves were unable to do so.
It felt good to talk about it with people who understood. People who didn't know him. Who weren't invested in his success or failure. It was different to that support group meeting that he had hated so much. Informal, friendly, no feeling like he was exposing himself to an audience.
After getting word about the mission and the unpleasant business with Sirius that followed, it had definitely helped clear his head.
When he walked into the flat he saw Sirius sitting at the kitchen table. His good mood was instantly dashed at the look on his face.
"What's wrong?" he asked before he'd even finished closing the door.
Sirius didn't answer right away. He didn't seem angry or frustrated like he had earlier. He seemed… guilty. This did not sit well with Remus. Not at all.
"Can you sit down, please?" asked Sirius.
"Tell me what's going on," said Remus, feeling very much like he'd done something wrong even though he couldn't point to what it was.
When Remus didn't sit down, Sirius stood up. He walked towards Remus and leaned against the kitchen bench slightly, attempting to be nonchalant. It didn't work.
"I have a message for you. From Dumbledore," said Sirius.
"What is it? What's happened?" asked Remus urgently.
"You need to see him. Tomorrow. He wants to speak with you," said Sirius cagily.
Remus shot him a look of confusion. "He just wants to speak with me? Why is this message coming through you? Why are you being so weird right now?"
Sirius tapped his fingers against his thigh absently. He looked down, avoiding Remus' eyes. He didn't seem to have an answer he was willing to give. Remus's gaze hardened as the realization washed over him. He took a step back from Sirius, folding his arms across his chest.
"You went to see him," Remus accused, to which Sirius offered no denial. "What did you say?" Remus asked with a cool, deadly calm.
"Nothing that wasn't true," responded Sirius, trying and failing to sound confident.
He had been so full of righteous energy when he went to Dumbledore. So determined that he was doing the right thing. As soon as he left Hogwarts, his certainty had rapidly faded. Dumbledore had given no indication of what course of action he was going to take. He had simply asked Sirius to pass on the message and refused to elaborate on his plans further.
As Remus stared him down, jaw set, fists clenched tight in cold fury, he couldn't blame him. If Remus had done something like this to Sirius, such a blatant violation of his privacy, such an unambiguous display of doubt, he would not forgive easily. It wouldn't matter how much it had been borne of love or concern.
Sirius was used to Remus being irritable. Pissy, even. But this? This kind of silent rage? This was not something he had seen from his partner in a long time. He didn't yell like Sirius did. He was alarmingly composed.
"Is this really what you think of me? That I'm so fragile, so incompetent. Maybe next time I see Moody I should have a chat with him. I'm willing to bet there's a few things I could tell him that would have him rethinking your suitability for field work."
Sirius blanched. He couldn't tell if Remus meant it. "You wouldn't," he said uncertainly. Sirius had not been without his difficulties. There were things that would not be good for him if Moody were to find out.
"No," Remus said firmly. "I wouldn't."
A beat. Sirius was trying to muster up a retort, but Remus turned away. He started walking towards the fireplace. Sirius called out to him, taking a few large strides and grabbing hold of his upper arm to stop him from leaving.
"Remus, stop. We can figure this out," Sirius insisted.
Remus yanked his arm out of Sirius' grip. "You know, I've really believed that's all been me. That I've been the one fucking things up for us. That every time you've treated me like shit it's been no more than I deserved," said Remus evenly.
Sirius just stared back, shaking his head slightly, lost for words.
"I want you to be safe," he said weakly.
"It's a war. None of us are safe. If you knew me at all, you would never try to force me onto the sidelines while everyone I love is at risk."
Remus moved abruptly, disengaging as he turned towards the fireplace. He grabbed a handful of flu powder, not even looking back. Sirius didn't try to stop him.
For a moment Remus considered going to James and Lily's. It was his first instinct, but even in his current state, the thought still crossed his mind that Sirius would probably want to go to James. He didn't want to cut him off from that option. He was a little pissed off at himself for even thinking about it. Why the fuck was he thinking about what Sirius needed after what he'd done?
He spoke the address for Marlene and Dorcas' and stepped into the green flames.
When he emerged into the girls living room, Marlene was standing in front of the fireplace, arms folded, a look of worry on her face. Remus immediately raised his hands in a defensive, calming gesture.
"I'm fine. Everything is fine. There's no crisis," he assured her, somehow managing to inject a hint of warmth into his voice that was icy only moments ago.
She looked him up and down a moment before unfolding her arms. "I was just reheating pizza. You want some?"
He nodded, taking a calming breath and dismissing all thoughts of Sirius from his mind as best he could. He felt a little numb as he pushed the anger down. There was no point dwelling until he saw Dumbledore. Until he knew what the consequences of this would be.
"Is Dory around?" he asked, making his way to one of the kitschy floral armchairs.
Marlene shook her head. "Double shift. They're running her ragged at that stupid hospital, it's ridiculous," said Marlene indignantly. Remus had heard this rant before.
"You mind if I crash here tonight?" asked Remus casually.
Marlene folded her arms again. She sat down on the armchair opposite him, narrowing her eyes suspiciously.
"Something's wrong," she declared. "I thought Sirius was home at the moment. You're not all freaked out, I guess, but you're trying way too hard to act normal."
Remus sighed, rubbing at the back of his neck. "We just had a fight. It's fine, really. You know how things get with us sometimes."
"What about?" she asked, narrowing her eyes further.
"I'd rather not talk about it."
"Did you relapse?" she asked with her characteristic bluntness.
"Fucking hell Marley, no, I didn't. Can everyone please stop asking me that every time they fucking see me?" he snapped.
She stared a moment longer, assessing him, totally unfazed by the outburst. Apparently she got what she needed, because all at once the attitude dropped and she smiled brightly.
"Alright, fair enough," she chirped as she hopped up to go tend to the pizza.
They spent the night exchanging quips and idle chatter as Marlene worked on casework for her family's firm. She was juggling that and a number of assignments coming up for her studies. Remus happily helped her out, sifting through her many books and compiling research. He wasn't educated in the field, but he was always a very quick study and his contributions proved useful.
As the night progressed, his sense of dread over the impending meeting with Dumbledore only grew. Every time a thought of him or Sirius crossed his mind, Remus steeled himself against it. He was certain Marlene was aware all was not well, but she didn't say anything.
She did however look on with extreme envy every time Remus excused himself for a smoke break.
"It's not fair," she said after the third one. "You try living with a healer and being a smoker. It's a nightmare but fuck do I miss it. You can't taunt me like this, Remi."
"Well, I'm not offering you any so you can just keep the longing looks to yourself. The last thing I need is to get on Dory's bad side," he said.
Marlene sat back and looked down at her pile of books and papers. She looked back up at Remus.
"Do you remember that time we went to that weird little dive out in Notting Hill and everyone in the building was just like, next level off their tits. We were on a shitload of coke and just, like, doing lines right at the bar and nobody cared," she reminisced thoughtfully.
"The place with that bizarre mural of the naked nuns?" She nodded. "Yeah, hard to forget. Nobody else wanted to come out with us because the bar was too trashy. Wusses, the lot of them," he said with a small smile.
"There was that skeevy guy working the bar who offered to give us something that would make our night 'truly transcendent,' but the catch was he would put it in our drinks and wouldn't tell us what it was. So we agreed, because apparently we were literally the stupidest, most self-destructive people on the planet and also, you know, cocaine brain. Then when it was nearly an hour later and we weren't feeling anything we decided he'd just fucked us over and left."
Remus nodded again, leaning forward and resting his chin on his hand. He looked up, sifting through the memories.
"That's right, then it started to kick in on the way to the tube and we ended up in that random fucking park. I don't even remember where. I'm almost certain he spiked us with acid, by the way. We never did hash that out, but I'm pretty sure that's what that was," he said, looking towards her.
"I know. I made a friend later who was super into that stuff and it all clicked into place," she said with a laugh. "So anyway, we're in the park, and everything is getting weird and you just keep feeling the grass and going on and on about how you never noticed before that the moon is actually beautiful and blah blah blah I'm a werewolf existential musings," she said flippantly.
"Hey," he responded indignantly. "I was just having a good time. You're the one who started crying and telling me you had some deep, secret fear you desperately needed to reveal to me," he teased.
"That's what I was getting to, yeah. I never did end up telling you what was going through my head because when I told you I had something deeply personal to confess you said, and I quote because I will remember these words until my dying day, 'I just don't think we have that kind of relationship,' and then just started talking about the moon again while I kept crying right next to you."
Remus looked stunned. "Did I really say that?" She nodded emphatically. They held eye contact for a moment before they both burst out laughing. It took nearly a full minute before they managed to recover enough to talk.
"I am so sorry," Remus said, still catching his breath. "What a horrible thing for me to say," he said without a hint of remorse.
"I mean you weren't wrong. We didn't talk about real shit back then, it's the whole reason I hung out with you so much," she said with a hand wave. "Do you want to know now? Do you want to know what I was going to say to you, what had me so upset?" she asked, taking on a serious tone.
Remus nodded, preparing himself for the potentially painful turn the conversation was about to take.
"I'm allergic to cats. See, Dory quite likes cats, but I didn't want to have to take medication or potions or whatever every day which in retrospect is a little ironic given my willingness to take literally anything else at the time. I got it in my head that night that my unwillingness to compromise on the cat issue would eventually end our relationship."
Marlene managed to maintain a completely straight face even as Remus devolved into another fit of laughter. When he eventually recovered, he looked over at Marlene fondly.
"I probably shouldn't be reminiscing about this shit," he said quietly. "I try to remind myself of all the ways it was terrible. Especially by the end. I want it so much. All the time. It's that much harder when I remember the times it was good. But it was good. I wouldn't have kept going if it wasn't."
She smiled, but after a moment it turned a little sad.
"Yeah. But we also missed a lot of other good stuff. Like this. We didn't have that kind of relationship then, but we do now. We're the kind of people who spend a night in, working our asses off. Occasionally we even talk about things that matter. Things that we feel. It's gross. I don't want to go back."
"No," Remus agreed. "Nor do I."
They continued their work for another hour or so before finally calling it a night. As he lay alone on the couch, thoughts of Sirius crept back into his head. Of his impending meeting with Dumbledore. His relationship with Marlene was not the only one that had changed over the years. Back then he would have never imagined Sirius would go behind his back like that. A day ago he wouldn't have believed it possible.
Some changes were for the better. Not all of them.