All characters belong to Sega/Archie except my OCs.

Chapter 23

The adrenaline rush after winning a basketball game never failed to put me on cloud nine. A genuine smile conquered my face as my team enveloped me in tight embraces. Their cheers mixed in with those of the crowd, booming through every inch of my eardrums. My heart raced in my chest, recovering from the anticipation of watching my shot fly. Time nearly stopped as we all witnessed the ball swoop neatly through the net – just as the buzzer screamed.

Truthfully, it'd been a tough game. The other team was on our ass each quarter, blocking our offenses and dodging our defense. Most of their players were quick on their feet. They passed the ball around us with ease. Still, they were no match for our strategic approach. Speed may have taken us off guard, but we were prepared to meet them head on.

The scoreboard had been neck and neck throughout the entire game. Our opponents were above us by one basket within the last ten seconds of the fourth quarter. If it weren't for my flawless three-pointer, we surely would've lost. But, I couldn't have that. Not my senior year. Despite all the bullshit my teammates threw my way, I refused to let them down. I had to lead them through another undefeated season with a championship to top it off. If not to satisfy them, then for my own damn self. I deserved that much.

I glanced around at the whooping crowd – which I hadn't looked at once during the heated match. I was too preoccupied with my opponents that I didn't give the families and fans in the stands an inch of attention. Now, with them cheering and screaming my name, I had to bask in the glory.

Smiling, I scanned the animated crowd. Manic was the first pair of eyes I caught. He was standing on top of the bleachers with my jersey number painted on his cheek and my jersey from freshman year overwhelming his tiny body. Words I couldn't hear left his mouth in excited screams. Beside him, my parents stood, clapping and whooping. Smiles I hadn't seen for some time were spread across their faces. A tear threatened to form in my eye as my father held up both his thumbs. His pride, always in small doses, finally hit me directly. But that's to be expected. It's basketball season, and I'm the star player. Of course, he had to congratulate me.

My eyes drifted to Manic's right side, noticing familiar ripped jeans. The smile on my face widened at the sight of Shadow's warm smirk. He was staring down at my brother, amused by his antics. He raised an eyebrow as Manic tugged at his jeans and pointed in my direction. My boyfriend looked up at me and a grin spread across his face. He paused his clapping to wave at me.

"Hi," I murmured under my breath. I couldn't tear my eyes away from him as my teammates towed me into the locker room.

"Victory party at my house," Tails exclaimed once we were inside. "Come right over! Booze and music are already prepared!"

Scourge raised an eyebrow. "Oh, so you just knew we were going to win, huh?"

Tails threw his arm over my shoulders. "Duh! We've got the best player in the state on our team! Those other schools are no match for us!"

Scourge rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever." He nudged his chin in my direction. "Nice shot."

"Thanks," I replied.

Tails squeezed my shoulder. "You should bring Shade to the party!"

I opened my mouth, ready to ask him who the hell Shade was.

"Yeah, Sonic," Scourge added. "You should bring your Latina princess out of her castle."

Ah shit. I'd almost forgotten about my little lie. "Uh, I don't know. She's not really into parties."

"How about we ask her?" Tails suggested. He tried to push past me towards my locker. "Where's your phone?"

I blocked his way. "I'll call her on the way out. Then, if she wants to come, I can pick her up on the way."

Tails held up his hands in surrender. "Fine, fine. You are coming to the party, though, aren't you?"

"Of course. After a game like that, I need some vodka."

My friend grinned. "Hell yeah!"

Once we'd all showered and changed into presentable clothes, my teammates and I started filing out of the locker room. I suspected my parents had already left, so I didn't bother hanging around in the gym. Still, I couldn't help but notice the abundance of my teammates being ambushed by hugs and praises from their families. The most I earned were pats on the backs and short compliments from some of the fans still bustling around. Not that I minded. At this point, I was used to my parents skipping out as soon as we left the court. As long as we won, it was one more thing they could brag about to their colleagues.

My spirits lifted a bit at the sight of my boyfriend leaning against my car door. A smile conquered my face as I jogged up to him. "Hey, what are you still doing here?" I asked.

His arms extended with intentions to hug me. "I wanted to see you."

Instinctively, I backed away from his advances. I glanced at the crowds around us in response to the confused crease between his brows.

He crossed his arms and cleared his throat. "You played well out there."

"Thanks." I stepped a bit closer. "Do you want to grab food and come to a party with me?"

"Partying isn't really my thing."

"I know, but I'd…I'd like to spend time with you. Besides, it'll be fun. Usually Tails just throws alcohol my way and we drink. Nothing too crazy."

He shifted his weight on his feet. "I don't know."

"You don't have to drink if you don't want to. I'll give you my car keys, and you can be my designated driver."

He raised an eyebrow. "You're planning to get drunk, aren't you?"

"Absolutely," I said with a grin.

A frown appeared on his lips.

"What? Did you want me to lie?"

He sighed. "Fine. I'll go – just to make sure your ass gets home safe."

I grinned. "Good. Now, let's go. I'm starving!"

We grabbed a quick bite to eat at one of the local diners before heading over to Tails' house. During the drive, I noticed the uncertain frown on Shadow's lips and the inward curl of his shoulders. To ease his worries, I grabbed his hand and gave it a tight squeeze.

Tails' house stood out like a Christmas tree. I could see it all the way down the street. Strobe lights flashed through the windows. Absurdly loud music echoed through the walls. Even the bass from the beat shook the concrete. Some of our classmates littered around the front porch with red cups in their hands and their arms around their significant other. All of them greeted me as I walked by.

Inside, the rooms were teeming with teenagers. Underneath the bright lights, their bodies gyrated and swung along to the music. While most people were dancing, a few people were spread across the rooms making out or smoking weed. A group of my teammates who were standing near the door whooped and hollered at the sight of me. I smiled, offering them a nod.

I glanced over my shoulder at Shadow.

His eyes were bouncing around the house, looking at all the chaos around us. The shadow of a crease formed between his brows, and the curves of his mouth threatened to pull downwards.

I grabbed his wrist and towed him into the kitchen.

As expected, my best friend was in there, armed with an array of alcohol bottles and juice mixtures. His girlfriend, Cream, was attached to his side, giggling and assisting him with distributing the drinks. She noticed me first, standing on her toes to whisper in Tails' ear.

"Sonic!" Tails exclaimed from her announcement. He grinned at me. "Finally! You're here! What took you so long?"

"I don't know about you, but after that game, I needed a burger."

Cream glanced around. "Where your girlfriend? Shade, right?"

"Uh, yeah. She…she didn't want to come. Like I said, parties aren't her thing."

She pouted her perfectly glossed lips. "Aw, that's too bad. I was really looking forward to meeting her. Tails mentioned she might be interested in doing some double dates. Maybe we can all go bowling and do dinner?"

I nodded. "Sure. I'll talk to her about it." I stepped aside to reveal Shadow who was practically hiding behind me. "But, I brought my friend, Shadow."

"Ah yeah, your Lit Buddy, right?" Tails asked. He pointed his finger at Shadow. "Sonic told me you two have been hanging." He raised an eyebrow. "Have you met this girlfriend of his?"

Shadow raised an eyebrow. "Girlfriend?" He glanced at me. "What…what girlfriend?"

Tails chuckled. "Wait, so you can tell all of us about your little boo, but you forgot to tell him?"

I opened my mouth to speak, but Tails pushed me aside.

He threw his arm over Shadow's shoulder and started babbling. "So, basically, Shade is this hot Latina from one of the public schools Sonic has been seeing. According to him, she's some type of curvy goddess with pretty eyes and dimples. He was so intimidated by her that he was afraid to make a move on her!"

Shadow stared at my friend's hanging hand like it was snake. "Really now?"

"Yeah, he called me up asking me for advice. He was afraid of kissing her because he didn't want to ruin their friendship. He swore up and down she didn't like him too – as if any girl has ever turned him down."

My boyfriend's gaze turned to me. "I guess he ended up kissing her."

"Yup! And now they're living happily ever after! See that goofy ass smile on his face? It hasn't left for weeks now." Tails tilted his head. "So, tell us what's going on, she's throwing it back for you or nah?"

I rolled my eyes. "No. It's not like that. We're taking things slow. Like I told you before, I really like her. She's a great cook, and she's really sweet to my little brother."

"Mmm, skills in the kitchen and likes kids? Am I hearing wifey material?"

A smile tugged at my lips. "Possibly." I nodded towards his array of liquor. "Enough talk about me. I'm here to get wasted."

Tails held up his hands. "Hey, you don't have to tell me twice! Two tequila shots and a screwdriver coming right up!" He pointed to Shadow as he drifted back to his mixing station. "How about you, Shadow? What do you drink? Wait, no, don't tell me! You look like a coke and rum kind of guy."

"I'm driving, so I can't really have anything," he explained.

"Damn, that sucks. Well, entertain me, what do you drink?"

Shadow shrugged. "I've only really snuck wine coolers out of my uncle's fridge. Sometimes my older brother lets me have a few sips of beer, but I'm not a fan of it."

"Well, next time, make Sonic's ass drive and we'll do a little alcohol tour. Deal?"

He feigned a smile. "Yeah, sure." His smile fell as he watched me throw back a tequila shot.

The liquor sent a fire down my throat and created a drift between the thunderstorm occurring in my head. I didn't hesitate to throw another one back.

Throughout the night, I stuck close to Tails. He passed drinks along to me as if he was my own personal bartender. We lounged in the kitchen, chatting and drinking. Cream noticed the lack of attention and played nice with Shadow. My boyfriend stood by my side the entire time with his arms crossed and wandering eyes. When Cream started talking to him, he loosened up a bit. Still, he didn't seem to enjoy being there.

To make him more comfortable, and get him to lighten up, I continuously offered him sips of my drink. He accepted a few, but he stopped after three sips. "I have to drive," he reminded me when I held out my cup to him again.

I'd rolled my eyes at him.

We didn't stay at the party long. Despite our dinner, the liquor didn't waste time fogging up my mind. I could barely hold myself up after a few hours. My legs were limp noodles, and my vision spun with even the smallest movement.

Shadow practically carried me out to my car. He threw my arm over his shoulders and held me up with an arm around my waist. "Shade, huh?" he asked as we walked.

"Chill out. She's you," I assured him.

He chuckled. "I'm a chick now?"

I stumbled over my own feet on the concrete. "Only…only for my…my basketball friends. They…they're annoying as fuck when…when it comes to girls."

Shadow gently shoved me into the passenger seat. "Can you strap yourself in?" he asked with a crease between his brows.

"Mhm." Clumsily, my hands searched for the seatbelt. I managed to tug the strap around my body, but I couldn't find the damn clip in the darkness. I shoved the buckle around the edge of the seat, desperately searching for the little fucker.

My boyfriend's hands grabbed mine.

I looked up at him, startled at his sudden touch. A smile slowly spread across my lips at the sight of him leaning over me. His bicep clouded my vision, and the alluring scent of his cologne wafted through my nose. Thoughtlessly, I pressed my nose into the nook of his neck, inhaling his sweet smell. I wrapped my arms around him and tugged him closer.

"Let go of me," he said. He guided the buckle into its secure clip. Carefully, he unraveled my arms from around his abdomen. He backed away from me and shut the car door.

Still smiling, I watched him walk to the driver's side.

"Want me to take you home?"

"No," I replied. "Can I…can I stay the night with you?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Are you going to behave?"

"Maybe."

He rolled his eyes. "I should take you home. You're drunk."

"Which is why you shouldn't take me home. Do you want my parents to kill me?"

He sent daggers in my direction. "Unfortunately, not." He sighed in defeat. "Looks like we're going to my place then."

"Mhm." I leaned my head against the window and closed my eyes. For the duration of the ride, I listened to the beats streaming from the radio and focused on the smallest jostle of the car. My fuzzy brain pretended I was traveling – in what I had no idea. Maybe a boat or a plane. The mode of transportation wasn't too important. What mattered was that I was going somewhere far, far away. A place without expectant, judgmental parents or asshole teammates or the insatiable desire to be perfect. No, this place…this place was better. I could picture the soft crashing of the waves, the heat of the sun burning my cheeks, the sand under the soles of my feet, and my hand nestled between the strong grip of another's. Rolling over, I'd be welcomed with warm lips and sensual tongue. Exploring hands and gentle caresses pouring over my body. Sweet ecstasy with every single move.

The fantasy faded into the darkness of my consciousness as the car rolled to a stop.

Reluctantly, I opened my eyes. Thankfully, I didn't see the front décor of my own house. Perhaps the fantasy didn't have to end after all.

Shadow helped me out of the car and into the house. Quietly, we crept past his sleeping uncle in the living room and padded up to his room.

"Sweatpants or pajama pants?" He asked as he dropped me on the bed. Kneeling, he plucked off my sneakers.

I smirked. "How about no pants?"

Rolling his eyes, he took a step away from me.

"No, no, no," I whined. A bit too fast for my body's liking, I sat up and grabbed his hand. I tugged softly. "Come here."

"No. You're playing." He shook his wrist out of my grasp. "Now, are you gonna answer my question or do I have to choose for you?"

I watched him tug off his hoodie. His shirt lifted along with it, showing a peek of his slim abdomen.

He glanced at me. "Stop staring at me."

"But you're cute."

He shook his head. "Are you always this flirty when you're drunk?"

"Why? Do you like it?"

He ignored my question. Shuffling through his drawers, he pulled out two pairs of plaid pajama pants. He threw one pair at me. "Put those on."

"I need help."

"No, the fuck you don't. Stop playing with me."

My smirk grew. "Or what?"

"Or else I'm gonna fuck you up."

I scoffed. "Yeah, alright. No one's scared of your punk ass."

Wordlessly, he threw his pajama pants on the floor and stormed towards me.

Chuckling, I backed away from him. "Chill, chill."

"Nope, bring your ass here." He grabbed my ankle and dragged me towards him.

I fell onto my back in the process, resorting to lightly kicking at his torso.

He dodged my subtle, uncoordinated attempts to free myself. He climbed on top of me and tried to land playful punches at my torso.

I grabbed his wrists, stopping his attacks. "Chill, Shad," I mustered between my laughter.

"Nah, you wanted to talk all that shit, remember?" He yanked his hands free and lay a few soft slaps at my cheeks. His hands alternated between gently slapping, tickling, and lightly punching. All the while, he managed to dodge my flailing hands trying to restrain him.

Seeing I wasn't steady enough to catch his quick hands, I decided to retaliate. I wrapped my arms around his torso and threw him off me.

He landed beside me on the bed. He was only down for a moment before he tried to lunge at me.

This time, I was ready. I caught him in my arms and fell onto the mattress. Before he could strike, I captured him in a headlock and wrapped my legs around his waist. Easily, I rolled the two of us over. With a smirk, I ceased his wrists and held them over his head.

He raised an impressed brow. "For a drunk person, you sure do know how to defend yourself. Now, get off me."

His red eyes stood out like gemstones in my foggy gaze. Between the spirals of the world around me from our quick movements, they shimmered and sparkled as if they were shining beneath the sun. I couldn't help but to grin at their beauty. "Have I ever told you that…that your eyes are really pretty?"

"Don't try to sweet talk me."

"I'm not," I said. "I'm serious. Your eyes are…they're breathtaking. They're…it was the first thing I noticed when…when I realized I liked you."

His coffee cheeks darkened. "Sonic," he murmured.

I leaned my forehead against his. "Have I ever told you how…how handsome you are… Seriously, you're…you're so sculpted and smooth and soft and you smell so good…" My face fell into his neck. "Fuck, you always smell so good."

He wiggled his wrists. "Sonic," he repeated. "Let me go. Come on. Let's get some sleep."

"But I never…I never tell you these things when I should…I should tell you more…"

"You can tell me in the morning – when you're sober."

"But, I can't." I picked my head up and looked down at him. "When I'm sober, I'm afraid to tell you how I feel."

His brows came together. "Why? What are you afraid of?"

"I'm afraid something bad will happen." I sighed. "Whenever I'm happy with someone, something bad always happens. Either they don't feel the same way or they leave or I'm punished for caring about them." I shook my head. "I don't want this to end. You…you make me feel like myself, and you…you make me feel good and I…I don't want to lose that."

"And you won't." He forcefully freed his wrists and cupped my cheeks. "Sonic, I don't know how many times I have to tell you this but: I'm not going anywhere. I'm yours for as long as you'll have me. I know I'm not good at talking about my feelings either, but you know how much I care about you." His thumb rubbed my cheekbone. "And I promise I will never hurt you. Okay?"

I nodded. "Okay."

"Good. Now, get off me."

I shook my head. "I just poured my heart out to you, and I don't even get a kiss?"

He rolled his eyes. "You're annoying." One of his hands dipped to the back of my neck and gently pushed my head down. "Come here."

For the first time, mint wasn't the first taste on his lips. Instead, I was met with the distinct taste of vodka and orange juice. Although he'd only taken a few sips of my drink, his lips were coated in the sweet mixture. Eagerly, I grasped his bottom lip between mine and sucked off every bit of flavor from it. Rather than desiring to absorb more of the liquor, I longed for his usual spearmint-infused kisses. I licked every inch of liquor off his bottom lip before moving to his top.

Beneath my intense, cleansing kisses, he relaxed beneath me. His arms wrapped around my torso, pushing our chests against each other's. He tried to mimic my actions, using his tongue to rid my own lips of any lingering alcohol. Unlike me, he was gentle with the removal, taking his sweet time suckling and tasting the lasting flavor. His slow, sensual tongue ignited a fire in my veins. Chills traveled down my spine as the aching sensation in my groin spurt subtle sparks.

Sloppily, I dipped my tongue beneath his upper lip and into his mouth. A moan of satisfaction rumbled in my throat as our tongues immediately collided. Like his lips, the inside of his mouth was littered with the sweet taste of the screwdriver beverage. I didn't focus on the taste too much this time. Rather, I put my energy into dominating his steady tongue.

Despite my sloppy kisses, I could feel him trying to take control. His tongue wasn't as eager, and his lips weren't moving as quick as mine. The hand on the back of my neck squeezed lightly to steady my movements. He was trying to take things slow – like we usually do. But tonight, I didn't want to take things slow. Though I knew it was the alcohol talking, I didn't care. Tonight, I wanted to devour every inch of his body. First, I just had to convince him to let me.

I grabbed his hands again and pinned them down above his head. Lowering my legs, I flushed my limbs against his. Discreetly, I hooked my calves around his, seeking to hold him still in case he tried to move. Shadow didn't mind being held captive under me. His tongue was still battling with mine, determined to steady our sloppy kisses.

It was a losing battle on his end. Although he was sober and coordinated, the adrenaline rushing through my bones gave me the extra strength I needed to defeat him. I captured his tongue between my lips, biting down the slightest bit to keep it there. As I alternated between sucking mercilessly and swirling my own tongue around his, a moan of surrender left his lips.

Despite the low volume, assuming he was trying to contain it, my inhibited senses managed to catch it. I smirked around his tongue. "Someone likes that," I whispered.

He chuckled. He tried to pull his tongue away, probably to reply, but I refused to release him.

Seductively, I continued giving him a peek of the things my mouth could do. My hands gradually fell from his arms and slithered down to the hem of his shirt. I slipped my palms beneath the fabric, firmly pressing them against the sides of his ribs. Moving my hands upwards, I began to lift his shirt off him. To my pleasant surprise, he allowed me to tug it over his head.

With our kisses broken, and his magnificent skin to my exposure, I pressed my face into his neck and attacked his jugular with my lips. I nipped and kissed along the side of his neck until I heard a quiet gasp leave his lips. Mentally grinning, I put all my attention into the one spot that'd triggered him. I sucked and bit and licked the spot until it was purple. Even then, I didn't stop.

Shadow fidgeted under me as I did so. His hands alternated between holding my head and exploring beneath my own shirt. His fingertips cautiously caressed the firm muscles of my chest. His legs threatened to shift from the slight grind of my hips against his, but I held them still with my own. "Sonic," he murmured.

I crushed my teeth harder into his neck as a response.

"Fuck," he muttered.

I chuckled. Lifting my head, I captured him into another passionate kiss. I tangled one of my hands in his silky hair, holding his bangs off his forehead. The other glided down his torso towards his waist. I unhooked the button of his jeans and tugged down the zipper.

Incomprehensible whispers left his lips. It was hard for him to talk with my tongue down his throat.

Slowly, I slid my hand into his pants. Over his boxers, I gently grasped his erect member. I was pleasantly surprised at his large size.

Another small noise escaped his lips. He began to fidget under me.

Sucking on his tongue again, I tightened my grip and started to pump.

"Sonic," he managed to speak around my desperate lips. His hands, once exploratory and cautious, now pushed urgently at my chest. "Sonic, stop."

"Why," I purred without breaking our kiss. "You seem to like this."

"Goddammit, Sonic, get the fuck off me." With a harsh shove, he pushed me off.

My inhibited limbs barely caught myself as I landed on the mattress. If he'd pushed me a bit harder, there's no doubt I would've fallen on the floor. The room spun around me from the rapid movement.

Three visions of him sat up and ran their hands through their dark curls.

I struggled to push myself up on my palms. My arms wobbled from the weight. "What's wrong," I slurred. "Did I…did I hurt you?"

He barely glanced at me as he stood up. "Get dressed. I have to go to the bathroom."

"Shadow." I tried to grab his wrist, but he pulled his arm away. Frowning, I watched him storm out of the room. I nearly flinched when he slammed the door shut behind him.

My eyes fluttered shut as I fell back down on my back. "Shit," I muttered. Even in a distorted state, my mind knew how to rip me apart. Lightning strikes of scolds and insults crashed through my brain. This time it was deserved. I shouldn't have touched him like that. I knew he wasn't ready. Yet, my dumbass still tried to persuade him.

What the fuck was wrong with me? Why was I always craving the physical? For once, Shadow was giving me something most other boys hadn't. He wanted emotions and intimacy – not meaningless sex. Why couldn't I comprehend that? Why did my stupid brain always want something more than that?

I would've laughed at myself if I wasn't so fucking drunk. As if sex meant more than a legitimate emotional connection. But sex was easy – and it felt good. Feelings were hard and complicated and laborious. I hadn't dealt with them in so long, and honestly, I wasn't sure if I wanted to start now. I cared about Shadow, but he wanted so much more than I could give. I wasn't emotionally stable. Hell, I was barely mentally stable.

Maybe my stupid ass conversion therapist was right about one thing. I was fucked up – just not in the places she thought I was.

Sighing, I lifted myself up on the bed. Through my hazy vision, I tracked down my discarded sneakers and jacket. I nearly busted my ass from trying to put my shoes on, but somehow, I managed. Getting my jacket on wasn't as difficult. At least I didn't have to hold my balance on one of my noodle-like legs.

Shadow opened the door in the same moment I was reaching for the knob. His bangs were damp, and leftover droplets of water shimmered around his nose. Two cold bottles of water were in his hands. "What are you doing," he asked as a crease formed between his brows.

"I…I should go," I murmured. "I'm sorry."

He blocked my way as I tried to walk past him. "You're not going anywhere. You can barely walk."

"I'm fine. I'll…I'll order an Uber."

"No." He pushed me back into the room and shut the door behind him. "You're staying here. I don't trust strangers – especially when you're like this."

I rolled my eyes. "I've rode drunk in Ubers before. Trust me, I'll be fine."

"No," he said firmly. He shoved one of the water bottles into my hands. "Sit down and drink this."

Reluctantly, I obeyed his command. I returned to my spot on his bed and sipped on the cold drink.

He moved to his dresser where he'd left his pajama pants.

I looked away as he started sliding off his jeans. The bulge in my own weighed down on me; it was almost painful to acknowledge. Gritting my teeth, I chugged down as much of the water as I could in one breath. I needed to sober up. I couldn't be around him like this. I'd already embarrassed myself enough. Who knows what else I might do if I didn't flush the rest of the liquor out of my system?

"Thirsty?" He asked, his voice closer than I expected.

I glanced at him, realizing he'd taken a seat beside me. "Yeah," I whispered.

"Put on the pajamas," he ordered. "You need to get some rest."

I nodded. With him still beside me, I clumsily threw off my clothes and slipped into his cotton pants.

Shadow briefly left my side to turn off the light. When he returned, he followed me under the covers.

To my dislike, but not my surprise, he didn't snuggle against me. Rather than curling up on my chest like he usually did, he lay on his back on the side furthest away.

I didn't dare touch him or try to hold him. Truthfully, I didn't trust myself. If I let myself too close, there's no doubt I'd start kissing on him again. As much as I wanted to be in control of my actions right now, I knew I wouldn't be able to stop myself. The least I could do was prevent any more advances. Besides, it'd probably only make matters with Shadow worse. I couldn't read his mind, but it was clear he was upset with me. Not that I blamed him. I was mad at myself too.

"Shadow," I whispered in the darkness.

"What," he replied, small hints of ice laced in his voice.

"I'm sorry…for getting drunk and…touching you… I…I shouldn't have done that… I'm really sorry."

The covers shifted as he turned onto his side. In the dark, I could see the light of the moon sparkling in his ruby eyes. "Is this what you did…with other guys? Get drunk and fuck?"

Despite the harshness of the question, pure curiosity burned in his eyes. The sight made me feel even more ashamed. I'd rather him be angry with him. I didn't want to be poked at and interrogated. I'd been through the process enough in the past. "Yeah," I answered honestly. "Usually after a party, I'd be shitfaced, and I'd call whoever I was physically involved with. They'd either pick me up or I'd take an Uber to their place, and we'd…" My voice lowered. "Somewhere between all of it, I managed to forget who I was and I…I enjoyed every second of it."

"Who were you then…in those moments?"

"Shit, I don't know. Sometimes I'd wake up in the morning and not even remember anything. The times I do remember, I…I still don't know. I was nobody, I guess. Just a person trying to be happy and still failing hopelessly."

His frown was clear in his eyes. "Why aren't you happy?"

"I am happy right now – with you."

"No, you're not," he snapped. "Yes, you feel happy, but you're not actually happy – not completely."

I shook my head. "You don't know shit."

He scoffed. "Don't make me throw your bullshit in your face again. Just talk to me."

"What do you want me to say, Shadow? My parents think I'm a disappointment. Most of my so-called friends in school treat me like shit. My brother thinks I'm a fucking god when I know I'm not. And to top it all off, I don't even know who the fuck I am. I lost sight of that person a long time ago, and I don't think they're coming back anytime soon. And this person – the one who's been running on autopilot since fucking sophomore year – I hate him. There. Are you satisfied now?"

"You're angry," he commented.

"Can we just go to sleep?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Like you said earlier: when you're sober, you're afraid to tell me how you feel." He scooted closer. "I just want to understand, Sonic. I want to help."

"There's not much to understand," I insisted. "I used sex as an escape – something to make me feel something other than the emptiness and darkness inside of my mind. Emotions scare me because the last time I allowed myself to love someone, I was mentally scarred afterwards – and not by their hands. A legitimate relationship hadn't crossed my mind for years before I started falling for you. Even then, I didn't think…I never thought you'd want that with me. I swore you were straight."

A short chuckle left his lips. "Do all straight guys kiss you back?"

I rolled my eyes. "Bottom line: you already know all there is to know about me. I promise you there's nothing else there. I just…I just don't want to lose you or hurt you because I'm a fucked-up mess."

"Stop talking about yourself like that. Everything you're feeling is valid, but you can't rely on unhealthy habits to help you cope. Trust me, it's only going to hurt you." He shifted closer to me, this time wrapping his arms around me. Carefully, he pulled me close and hugged me tight. "It's going to be alright. You have me now, and I only want to help. You just have to let me."

"I'm sorry," I whispered into the nook of his neck. "For earlier. I promise…I promise it'll never happen again."

"Stop apologizing." He pecked a kiss at my shoulder. "I liked it."

I smirked. "Me too. Your moans are adorable."

"Shut up."

I chuckled. "Why did you want to stop?"

"Because we're not ready for that…not yet." He broke our embrace a little to look at me. "Right now, let's focus on us, alright?"

"Sure."

He pecked a soft kiss at my lips. "Good. Now, go to sleep."

I pressed my face back into his neck. The lingering smell of his cologne filled my nose as I closed my eyes and fell into the deep abyss of an undreaming rest.