PREVIOUSLY ON "FALLING APART, BARELY BREATHING":
"I know what I want to get for John the patient, but I need your help with it if you want to tag-team" Addison smiles sweetly to Meredith.
And once Meredith hears the idea she's jumping for joy and hugging Addison at just how perfect it will be.
END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.
Falling Apart, Barely Breathing
I n Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it. MerAdd. Meddison. Set during "Bring the Pain" GA. An Addison Montgomery/Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy Fanfiction. Written by me, bobbiejelly
Chapter 28: Secret Admirer
"DOCTOR BOSS IS HERE!" John the patient exclaims alongside everyone else.
"Here I am" Addison smiles into the affection, and apologizes for barking at them, slightly after being surprised by the yelling.
"It's okay, not everyone likes surprises" Meredith smirks at her, and Addison has no idea why "But some people really like surprises" she smirks again.
And Addison furrows and unfurrows her brow a bit at that one and sits down in the last remaining empty chair in the room.
(The chair, which Meredith has tried to be as subtle as possible while saving that one for Addison, by her purse on it until Addison has walked in.)
"So now the real party begins!" Bailey says to them all.
"You can thank the interns and Addison for all the hard work in the party planning," Bailey says to them all very generously. (As well as NOT calling Addison "Doctor Boss" because she was just too proud to ever say that about someone who was not HER.)
"When do we get CAKE!" Cristina insists. "I'm HUNGRY," she says in a whine, but her slight smirk sideways to Addison tells another story entirely.
"Yes, let's eat it now before the whip cream topping falls apart" Izzie exclaims.
Izzie leaves to go get the cake and the plates as the patient express how happy he is that he can finally have sweets again.
"You wouldn't believe the cravings for sweets," John says innocently. But he is also smirking a little at Addison and also Meredith and it's starting to make Addison feel overheated.
"Umm, I have to - water" Addison excuses herself abruptly, despite having just arrived at the party.
Addison makes it to the nearest scrub room, where she runs her hands under the coldest possible water.
"FUCK-" Addison actually says out loud.
She's turned on beyond reason at the mere mention of cherry and vanilla cake and it's really starting to get out of hand.
"FUCK!" Addison yells again into the darkness.
"Are you alright?" a familiar voice pops out from the doorframe to ask her.
NO FREAKING WAY!
(How can she be everywhere and anywhere at once…)
Meredith Grey appears out of the darkness, as she'd run out of the room after Addison to check on her.
It wasn't a terrible instinct, considering what the day has been for her.
But still, this instinct brought the blonde intern into close physical proximity of the redhead, which was the original cause of all this angst in the first place.
(How the hell am I going to explain THIS one, Addison freaks out for a moment before collecting herself.)
"Are you alright?" Meredith says to her tenderly.
(God, her voice sounds so soothing, Addison thinks to herself.)
"Ah, hot flashes," Addison explains dumbly.
"Oh, no, you're not having the-" Meredith cuts herself off before she says something she knows she'll regret.
"No, it's just hot flashes. Period related hot-flashes, Grey" Addison answers both of Meredith's implicit questions with that one response.
At least they are both Doctors so it's not like Meredith is going to want to faint at the mention of blood.
"Oh. Sorry…" Meredith just says to her awkwardly.
"Do you want some cake? The sugar might make you feel better. That's what I usually need" Meredith says to her honestly.
(As Addison stores this fact under 'things that might come in handy to know about Meredith Grey' in her brain.)
"Ah, maybe a bit later I'm cramping," Addison says something half-logical to Meredith.
"Do you want me to give you a backrub? Here, sit," Meredith instructs her before she has a chance to back off from the obvious 'potential complications should such a procedure take an unexpected turn.'
"Ah-" Addison finds herself obeying Meredith's suggestion as she sits down on an O.R stool and allows Meredith to lay her hands on her back.
Her touch is so warm and welcome. Addison melts instantly under Meredith's fingers.
(It's no wonder she became a surgeon, Addison thinks to herself. It's not because of her birthright, it's because of her talent because does this not feel absolutely extrasensory right now…)
Meredith starts in broad circles as she soothes Addison's sore muscles and then applies both hands to massage the tight muscles of her neck.
"Where did you even learn this?" Addison says in more of a breathy tone than she'd planned originally.
"My mother, actually. She asked for this after her long nights. I just figured you've been operating all day, and you're not feeling well, so…" Meredith doesn't also say to her-
(And all I've wanted to do since I saw you with my McEx in the conference room earlier today was to lay my hands on your body and to have you let me have my way with you…)
Addison is fighting her damndest to contain any inappropriate noises she might involuntarily let out if she stops biting the inner skin of her cheek till it bleeds.
But the pain inside of her cheek right now alongside the sweet, sweet relief of all of her upper body muscles is only serving to turn Addison on even more.
(This is kind of bad Addison. You promised Derek, you promised yourself you wouldn't let anything happen between you before Meredith knew the truth. You promised that you would go slow if anything is to happen with her, at all. You know it's the right thing to do…)
('But I thought we were over our self-denial phase with the whole being gay is an okay thing?' Half of Addison's brain asks the other.)
('Well, this is more self-restraint', if you're asking. It's like when you try not to jump someone's bones so you don't hurt them or let you hurt you back at your most vulnerable. You know. THAT-)
('But you should probably admit to yourself that this is the most wonderful and soothing thing you've ever felt, matched only by waking up in Meredith's arms that one time…')
('FINE I REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE IT, OKAY?! HAPPY NOW?!)
('Just checking we're all on the same page here…)
Meredith is now digging in with her thumbs to the sore muscles in her back and it's heavenly.
Addison allows her eyes to slip shut so she can enjoy just the feeling.
Meredith switches to rubbing her fingertips in circles around her tight lats, and Addison thinks she should really invest in a professional sometime because how had she never thought of spending her insurance on this in her free time?
(But you probably won't even do that, because Meredith Grey isn't a registered massage therapist, and if you saw one of those you'd just be imagining it was her instead and that wouldn't be helpful…)
Meredith is vaguely humming a tune that Addison does not recognize (not the sweet song from the other night that Addison can't get out of her head, despite not knowing at all what it IS-)
And Addison is purring like a kitten as Meredith is running her hands up and down Addison's tight neck.
Just the palms of Meredith's hands is enough to loosen Addison's tension.
And also Addison adores having her neck touched.
It's her kryptonite, and she knows it. All her past lovers have known it, or figured it out somehow.
Addison's neck is so sensitive that any desired contact with the area has her heat up in flames.
This being now included, meaning that as Addison feels Meredith massage the neck muscles right by the spine between her index fingers and thumbs, that Addison is realizing she's blushing.
And flushing. Even more than before. (Thank goodness you told Meredith you had hot flashes because that seems to be ACTUALLY the case, now…)
And as Meredith runs her fingers around so, so tenderly to rub the sides of her neck, Addison can feel herself getting aroused. Quickly. Very quickly.
And as Meredith allows her whole hands to spread out over Addison's neck, having her fingers even brush the tips of Addison's earlobes, Addison can feel herself getting sexually wet.
She can feel her pants tightening around her thighs. She can feel her panties are sticking more, She can feel her core clenching, and her pulse point racing and racing and racing.
"You do feel like you're getting hot" Meredith remarks offhandedly, in a concerned sort of way.
"Yeah," Addison says because she's not sure what else she could even say at this point.
"Are you starting to feel better?" she asks, invading Addison's personal space bubble almost completely.
Meredith is whispering into Addison's ear, hot breath on her neck the same way that Addison's fell onto Meredith's earlier in her kitchen.
"Ah, I am…," Addison says in a hush as Meredith smirks.
Addison can feel Meredith smirking, despite her not having turned around at all, not having looked her in the face or the eye since she'd entered the scrub room.
It was the same way in which Meredith had recognized instinctively that Addison was not Derek on the first night that they'd met up in Joe's bar…
(Not that Meredith knew that, of course. But Addison is making that absent comparison now…)
And Addison is suddenly distracted by the fact that Meredith Grey is massaging her earlobes between her thumbs and her fingers.
And it feels so damn good-
('Admit it, Addison. It feels downright EROTIC. You have a thing for your earlobes being handled and nibbled to the point where you tried the same thing on Derek one time, but he just ended up falling over in pain. Something about a woman's pain tolerance maybe…')
Meredith is caressing her earlobes as well as the whole of her ears.
And if Addison was turned on before, then it's nothing compared to what is happening to her now.
Her panties are soaked through with her thick arousal, she thinks she should probably change to another pair of pants after this. Her tits are swollen two extra sizes and her nibbles are hard as a rock.
If she were to be fucked starting right here and now, there would be no resistance from her warmed-up and ready body at all.
Forget foreplay, apparently, all Addison needs is some 'friendly and platonic touches on the backs of her earlobes' for her to be all hot and wanting.
(God she needs to get laid, Addison thinks to herself idly.)
(Yeah, well, are you going to come clean to her about all your dirty little secrets while her hands are literally on your shoulders rubbing the knots out of your upper arms or are you going to sit there like a happy kitten until she eventually decides she's or you've had enough of it all?)
(You're never going to get enough of this, are you?)
(Right. Of course. Because she's your new addiction. Those damn Cheetos were apparently just a 'gateway drug'. Because CLEARLY there's no recovering from this wild ride.)
(Drug addictions are a serious problem and they should not be used lightly in these types of metaphors.)
(Right. It was just an expression. Sorry.)
(So are you just going to come clean to her about everything you've done, right here, right now, while you're supposed to be at like, a party YOU organized. You know, for your PATIENT.)
(Mm, just five-ten- fifteen more minutes of heaven can we settle on that…?)
(Fine. You watch the clock, though.)
('FINE.' Addison's mind now concedes to herself. Just a few more sweet minutes...)
Meredith has released Addison's earlobes now as she cups Addison's face from behind.
She rubs out Addison's temples with her thumbs still tickling the tips of Addison's ears.
She's rubbing the frown lines out of her forehead, and she's massaging Addison's scalp.
She moves back to Addison's neck now again, pinching the back of it between her whole hands, letting the knots and the trouble spots wash all away…
And Addison sits there in silence, loving every single second of Meredith's gentle touches.
She allows Meredith to massage under her hairline, where she finds a soft spot she likes a lot and gives it extra attention…
(This time it's MEREDITH's turn to file that information into her thoughts of 'where she would be most likely to want to keep kissing Addison over and over and over if Addison would ever let her do that for her…)
(And Meredith is loving all of this, just as much, or even more so than Addison.)
(Meredith is much more a giver of touches. She likes to please others, even in a platonic way and that's what makes her, in turn, feel good. She doesn't think of herself as a hero for this. Or the receivers of her affections to be necessary 'takers'.)
(Meredith recognizes that she needs someone to receive her massages to be able to extend her own pleasure in giving them. So she has the opposite of malice towards any willing participant.)
(And she is especially pleased to be able to handle Addison's beautiful body in this way.)
(Meredith has held Addison in her arms all night long before. But she's never had this still technically platonic, albeit intimate moment of touch with Addison being awake for it, for so long, before…)
(The only other times she's held Addison were when Addison was literally falling, and Meredith had steadied her. Or when Addison had held her hand at the convenience store…)
Meredith maps all of these accidental and/or purposeful touches in her mind as she continues to massage on Addison's scalp. She has another trick up her sleeve she's debating about using.
So she decides that she'll work up to it. First, Meredith plays with Addison's hair. She loves Addison's hair. She could run through it for hours and just watch it glow. Heck, she almost DID do that the other night in that storage closet.
She had fallen asleep fawning over Addison's luscious curls. And the effet her fingers had had then, were just about the same as now. Addison was finally relaxing, her pulse was soothing.
Meredith could feel Addison's pulse point in the back of her neck, and see that her heart rate was no longer speeding up. Addison was still flushed, yes. And full of adrenaline and need. But her heart was no longer beating out of her chest, rather her heartbeats were rising and falling quite peacefully, now.
And that's when Meredith decided to try, lightly, what she had a hunch she thinks Addison will enjoy. Meredith circles her palm with a wide hand around the back of Addison's head. She then very gently and slowly closes her first a bit - not all the way - but just enough to cause pressure to pressure points on Addison's skull.
The moan out was audible. She could tell Addison had been trying to hide it, but it was there, no matter how quietly. Meredith takes this as a signal that she will go on. So she continues around Addison's head with both hands, spreading her fingers wide and gently tightening her fingers so slightly, so that the loose pull on Addison's hair will cause a massage in itself.
And Addison adores this so much. Meredith can tell she likes it because Addison's moans are coming out of her now, less muffled now than before. Before she started with this, she could feel Addison's moans through her fingers through the vibrations in her body, but she could not actually hear them aloud.
But now, Meredith could hear every feeling she was giving to Addison now. She could feel her moans vibrate through to her bones. Meredith was being careful, so careful not to leave any marks on Addison's body. The last thing either of them needed was someone thinking they were giving each other hickeys when they weren't.
(Because then people would be rude to Addison and they STILL wouldn't have actually had the pleasure of giving each other the hickeys…)
(Ooh, EASY TIGER. I KNOW that Addison's neck is RIGHT THERE, but that doesn't mean you can just lean in and kiss the hell out of it right here and now. She's been divorced for less than an HOUR and already you're thinking of actually pressing your lips right there…)
(But she's SINGLE and you are SINGLE and those reasons are no longer reasons and you bet you could make her near orgasm in pleasure without even taking her clothes off the way Addison is all worked up here right now…)
(That doesn't mean you should do it though, she's still your boss. You're her student. She likes you as a friend at least now. You've come this far as just friends and you don't want to lose her.)
(Plus if you start that you know that you won't want to stop. You will if she asks you too, you know about consent. And you are NOT a whore in THAT way. But if she keeps begging you to keep going, you know you won't stop.)
(You know even if you hypothetically do make her come with her clothes on that you'll still end up ripping those clothes off and making sweet, sweet, love to her all day and night…)
(God, the things you could do to her beautiful body. You would just like to trace every millimeter and file it under 'things that are magnificent'. You just want to soak in her skin and allow yourself to wander to the deepest depths of desire. You desire her…)
(But Meredith, you love her, you know. You do too. You do. You love her.)
(And perhaps it's not necessarily the 'in love, in love' kind of love yet, you note.)
(It's love, and for her, but you know you still have a ways to go you could fall for her deeper…)
(And you know that part of you wants to. Part of you desperately wants to fall stupidly in love with her.)
(But there's another part that is terrified. Terrified that now that she's single, that you/her are now a possibility to each other… What if she doesn't want you?)
(What if she doesn't want someone younger. What if she wants a 'real grown-up?')
(What if she wants someone who isn't a student. What if she wants someone smarter?)
(What if she wants someone with fewer mommy issues and daddy issues and 'mystery freaking people uprooting her life half the time...')
(What if she wants someone stylish, who uses coat racks and coasters!)
(What if she wants someone, MORE than you. Someone better. Someone more whole…)
(What if she wants someone else…)
And with that thought, Meredith lets out a sigh.
And she keeps running her hands up and down Addison's back.
And she keeps running her fingers over every inch and every muscle.
And she keeps gently grazing all the pressure points of Addison.
(As she's trying to memorize every moment, every second, every part of this experience. In case it's the only one she will ever have. In case Addison never lets her handle her body again...)
And she continues even as the minutes' drag onwards…
And she would continue until the end of all time.
She really would have. But the moment eventually comes to an end.
Not an abrupt end, not a sad end. Not a bad end.
Just a natural end.
Like waking up from a really nice dream...
Addison hears Meredith sigh right into her shoulders and the sound brings her back to reality.
Addison glances up at the clock as she realizes she should be going, and that so should Grey.
Addison reluctantly lets out one sigh of her own, before she reaches her own right hand up to her shoulders.
She turns to Meredith now, facing her for the first time in this scrub room today.
She places her hand on Meredith's hands now, stopping their motion as she looks up again.
She meets Meredith in the eye and her eyes convey a very, very grateful smile.
She turns to her and says 'thank you,' because she knows that her voice will break into pieces if she tries to say anything more than that.
And Meredith understands. She understands Addison doesn't want to keep talking.
And even without any more talking, Meredith knows exactly what Addison is feeling, what she is needing, and what she is thinking.
(It's a moment of connection that Meredith first had when she knew Addison's breath was going to catch at the bar that night. Right before she moved over her purse and she wordlessly offered for Addison to sit next to her. And Addison did. Not that Meredith really knows that now…)
But Addison is sitting right next to Meredith now. And she's smiling. And Meredith is smiling back.
And so Meredith speaks because she knows that Addison's breath will catch if she tries.
And she says something unexpected. Unexpected to Addison, at least.
She tells her "I'm proud of you." And that's it. End of sentence. Just those three words.
And they are the exact perfect thing that Addison needed to hear today.
Even more than 'we accept the love we think we deserve' which she knows Derek didn't say back to her, even after she had said them to him herself.
Addison had needed the validation that what she did today; divorcing Derek; was something she could look back on with pride…
"Why?" Addison asks her though, as she wants to know what Meredith Grey could be thinking.
A terrified part of Addison wonders if Meredith will turn one-eighty and say that she wants to screw her ex-husband again.
But she doesn't. Of course. Meredith says to her 'you didn't go back to him. Good girl Addison…'
And Addison doesn't place it herself until she sees Meredith smirking at her.
"Oh." Is all Addison says before laughing, remembering saying those same words to Meredith her first day of working here at Seattle Grace Hospital?
At the time Addison had just been worried for Meredith.
She had no idea why at the time.
She knows those words could have come off as 'stay away from him you dirty McMistress'
But even at the time, Addison hadn't meant them that way.
Addison had genuinely wanted more for Meredith than someone who could never love her back in the way she deserved…
"Look at us, being friends. And you even seemed friendly with him later, too" Meredith says rather observantly.
"We were friends for years, married for over a decade but we were all friends once. And he was my best friend. And I think we want to get back to that someday. I want to try, at least…"
Addison is sharing that with her intern in a way she never would have imagined six months ago.
Six months ago, Addison was having an off-again-on-again affair/relationship with Mark and a breakup with Derek and a who-knows-what with her tailspin of bad choices.
But here she is now, developing healthy (friendship) relationships left and right, fulfilling her need for human connection. Starting over. For real. For the better…
Addison is making her way, and that means being more open and honest.
Even with interns, because if Addison is anything, Addison is always a hand-up for those who have less than she does.
One might think that might come from an element of pride, given her family fortunes.
But it isn't; it's more than that. Addison just is compassionate.
And she's starting to discover for herself it's played if she isn't that, to everyone, all the time, to no end, to her expense; so she still has enough to offer to those she truly wants in her life.
And Addison does want to keep Meredith Grey in her life, in any way that she can that will work.
And as Addison is staring into Meredith's eyes right now, she sees her bright baby blues and she wants- for her to read into her soul and know everything.
She wants to confess her sins and wash them away with warm water.
She wants to cleanse herself, purge herself from all her pain.
And as Addison is just about to start speaking, Meredith reaches out and lays a hand on her shoulder.
She says to her 'it's okay.
We don't have to talk all serious about the divorce today.
Let's just be us for a while.
Without Derek, without our exes, without the heartbreak. Let's just be us. And we can go back in a minute.
Back into the party, I mean. We can go when you are ready - only when you are ready.
When you are ready, I will be here for you" Meredith says to her breathlessly.
(And as Meredith says those words, then, to Addison she's thinking a whole other level of meaning...)
And Addison swoons in her heart to be accepting this care, now, from Meredith Grey now.
And she tries, she really tries, to let herself be cared for in the way that she needed.
(In the way she deserves… and that Addison always has deserved all those years…)
"We accept the love we think we deserve, Addison," Meredith says to her.
And that's all she says then, she doesn't say anything more.
(Meredith almost says to her, then 'you deserve better than him. But she and Derek are trying to be friends now. And she doesn't want to bad-mouth Addison's friend.)
(Meredith wants to say 'you deserve someone who will kiss you and love you and touch you and make you feel like you're worth a hell of a lot… And I could be that person you know… if you want…)
(Meredith wants to say 'pick me, choose me, love me, Addison. Be a better person than your stupid-ex-something Derek was and give me an answer. Give me the yes because god if I want you right now more than I ever did him…And we're even in the same damn scrub room as when I said that to Derek which feels like a million years ago, now...)
But Meredith doesn't say any of those things.
Meredith doesn't say anything more, at all.
No matter how much Meredith wants to-
To break open the silence with words...
Meredith waits for Addison to say something...
And Addison almost cries from the compassion that Meredith is offering her.
She has the impulse to cry but she controls it.
She's had the training from her mother, Bizzy Forbes, not to cry in front of others, ever.
Addison is a big girl, she can handle herself.
She can hold back her tears and not let them show...
Meredith looks at Addison and she looks like she's going to cry now.
And Meredith wants to hold her. She wants to cradle her in her arms.
Meredith wants to carry her home and to tuck her in at night.
Meredith wants to be her 'knight in shining whatever'
Meredith wants to take care of her… (always…)
But before Meredith can squeeze Addison's hand harder inside her own,
Before Meredith can move to hug Addison tight to her body,
Before Meredith can show Addison she cares for her,
Addison starts to say something, so Meredith listens.
"I'm ready to go back," Addison says with a deep breath.
And Meredith says "well, alright then" with a big bright baby blue smile.
And she offers Addison one last pat on the back before she helps her get up again.
And she waits until Addison walks out the door first, so she can follow her close right behind.
"Can we play another GAME!" one of the other interns is cheering.
"YAAAAAAAAS!" so many other people cheer.
As Addison and Meredith take their seats again, everyone looks at them a bit curiously;
Before Meredith says to them "Addison had a medical thing, she just needed help that's all."
And they were in a hospital so they chose not to ask more questions.
And Derek was smirking at them and squinting to see if he could see any lipstick or teeth marks on either of them. But he doesn't so he just smiles at them sweetly.
And Cristina smirks at them of course, she does as Izzie sort of does as well.
But all of the smug expressions are interrupted by John, who suggests they play 'hot seat.'
When someone asks "WHAT'S THAT?" Everyone gasps when it's Bailey and Webber who know all the rules.
"Everyone has a 3 question turn, during which the questioner, which I assume will be John, gets to ask them whatever he wants. You have to answer truthfully unless you say pass. And you have a limited number of those. Usually, at a bar, you'd have bailout shots but I guess these dixie cups of ginger ale will have to do" Richard says, pouring one out for each of them.
"And also, like any of these other games you always seem to play in this room, whatever happens, stays here and here only. You're not to talk about it with anyone else, are we clear?" Bailey has an insistent tone as everyone is just surprised that she's playing the game with them.
Preston Burke is the first to be put in the 'hot seat,' as John asks him first:
"Would you ever have made Cristina Yang lie for you if you were still dating?"
And all Burke says to everyone is "I have no idea."
Then he asks him "Would you want to ever be with a man?"
To which he answers "I don't know yet"
And then he asks him "did you want Cristina's child if she had not lost it?"
And he thinks for a moment, before saying he might have.
It wasn't a very defined set of answers, but it was interesting, still, all the same.
Izzie is up next, and her first question is "if you didn't need the money, would you have wanted to be a model?"
And she thinks for a moment before saying she's proud of the work she did.
Then he asks her "what would you do for your mother if you could give her anything?"
And she laughs and she says to everyone "probably a stable boyfriend"
And he asks her if she wishes she'd grown up differently,
And she squeezes Cristina Yang's hand when she says that she doesn't, at all.
Derek is next in the hot seat.
John goes easier on him, knowing he's had a hard day.
He asks him "do you have any family we don't all know about yet?"
And Addison laughs as Derek starts to describe his mother Carolyn Shepherd and his sisters Nancy, Liz, Kathleen, and Amelia.
"They're really nice, especially Amelia," Addison smiles at the memory.
She hopes she doesn't lose touch with them after this divorce she's had with Derek.
"You can still call them, you know," Derek says to her then. And it makes Addison smile.
"Did you ever do drugs?" John finally asks him.
He says he's done weed one time (he doesn't say that Addison had also had done, said weed, that time and she'd been so paranoid she'd locked herself in a closet for hours.)
(Derek thinks about the whole closet metaphor again and then tries to stop thinking about it.)
"Do you think you could be happy being not a brain surgeon?" he asks.
"Probably not," Derek says. "Unless I like, worked for the president or cured Alzheimer's or something," Derek laughs as Meredith tries not to flinch at the word Alzheimer's.
"Cristina, what do you think you would do if you couldn't operate?" he asks a similar question to the one he asked Derek.
"I have no idea. Maybe I'd become a bartender. Or a spy. Or an assassin…?" Cristina shrugs.
"BUT YOU WOULDN'T ACTUALLY STAB PEOPLE, RIGHT?" Izzie exclaims at her.
"Probably not," Cristina answers cryptically before bursting out laughing.
"Would you like to have your own hospital one day?" John asks her.
"ABSOLUTELY!" Cristina exclaims.
"What medical miracle would you perform if you could?" John asks her.
"I want to make human hearts out of thin air," Cristina says to him dreamily.
To George, he asks him "What is your favorite car?" and he surprises everyone by taking a hot to get out of THAT one.
"That's literally all my brothers ask is pick a car. It makes me want to run away" George laughs.
"Ok, who is your movie or TV crush?" he asks.
"Jennifer Anniston… Or maybe David Beckum" he laughs.
"Would you rather win a free season pass to music concerts or sports games?"
"Probably music" George answers as Alex says "dude" because he would have said "sports."
"What's the bravest thing you've ever done?" he asks to boost George's confidence.
"Probably having sex with Alex" he answers bluntly as everyone laughs.
Alex is, in fact, next up for his game time. So John asks him:
"If you could change one thing in your past…"
Alex says he would have been nicer to his little brother.
"What kind of surgery do you want to do?" John asks.
"Probably plastics," he smirks.
And Addison bites her tongue not to say "you should meet Mark Sloan…"
"Do you want kids, Alex?" He asks seriously.
Ane Alex says that he does, someday.
"Miranda Bailey" John begins.
"What is your worst nightmare?"
"Probably catching on fire" she laughs.
"Would you rather not ever be the boss of anyone or become a firefighter?" he asks.
"No idea," Bailey says.
"Do you have any weird food cravings?"
"All the damn time. Mostly for strawberry milkshakes" she laughs.
"Richard Webber, have you had the love of your life yet?"
And Richard has to think for a second, about Ellis Grey and Adele. And he realizes he doesn't have to decide he just has to answer.
All he says is "I think so," and that's enough for John.
"Do you want to die in this hospital?" John asks rather morbidly.
"Yes, I think that I would," Richard says to everyone.
"Do you consider yourself to be a father figure to Meredith?" he asks seriously.
And Meredith smiles as he nods and says "yes."
And it's down to just Meredith and Addison now. And John looks between each of them before deciding to ask Meredith first.
"Are you glad you're a surgeon?" he asks simply.
"I think I am, mostly. Sometimes I hate that people just want me to be like my mother. But mostly," Meredith answers.
"Do you like it here in Seattle?" he asks her.
"Yeah, I never thought I would like anywhere like here but I do," she says.
"Are you falling in love, do you think," John finally asks her tenderly.
"I really think that I am," Meredith says to him softly.
And her big baby blues smile a shy smile as she looks to the ground now.
And she's not thinking much of anything else, but of Addison.
And Addison tries to read the look on Meredith's face. But Meredith doesn't meet anyone's gaze now.
And now everyone is staring at Addison because it's her turn to answer.
And John the patient snaps her out of the trance to ask her:
"Which of your houses in New York is your favorite?"
And Addison is horrified as she shoots a look to Derek who only chuckles, a bit annoyingly.
"Probably not the Brownstone, anymore" she answers finally and Derek tries not to choke in laughter.
"Do you think you could ever become a shopaholic?" he asks her.
"Hopefully not, but maybe" she gasps.
And then she stops laughing entirely.
Because she's worried about what is coming next.
Addison panics and looks at John, who only winks at her and shakes his head imperceptibly;
Signaling to her he won't out Addison's 'mystery man' secret because she should do that herself.
John still knows a lot of other secrets about her still, so she isn't calmed down yet...
So instead he asks her the same simple question he asked earlier to Meredith.
If she's thinking she's falling in love.
And when Addison answers yes, she looks John right in the eye.
And John delivers a kind-eyed look.
And he says best of luck, then to all of them.
And when George says "wait do we get to ask YOU questions?"
John only laughs and says "that's all you've all been doing to me for a month!"
And they all simply agree.
When Meredith asks about the cake, Cristina just informs her they already ate it.
They ate that cake like an hour ago, and they let Meredith sulk before revealing they saved a piece for her and Addison, each in the Attendings lounge fridge.
They end the evening with the 'Secret Santa' giving him parting gifts they all schemed to buy.
Richard gives him a wine glass because he says he's an alcoholic anyhow.
Burke gives him books because he really likes books.
Bailey gets him a coffee cart gift card because she wants to chat with him around sometime.
Derek gets him a mug that he had from New York.
And when Addison laughs at him, knowing where it was from; he just says "it's vintage" and she rolls her eyes at him, teasingly.
Cristina and Izzie get him a vibrator. And he unwraps it only enough to see the label and he is delighted.
Alex and George get a Costco-sized-pack of glow-in-the-dark condoms.
And that makes both Meredith and Addison SIMULTANEOUSLY shoot a smirk at Derek, who blushes profusely before looking at the ground.
And then Addison and Meredith look at EACH OTHER and collapse in a fit of giggles as Addison says to her "well I guess some tastes never changed after arriving in Seattle…"
And then Meredith pulls out hers and Addison's gift.
She puts it in the mixtape CD to a CD player she's borrowed from Addison's office.
And they listen to the mixtape, with songs like
"The Quest" by Bryn Christopher, and
"Atlas Hands" by Benjamin Francis Leftwich, and
"The Same" by Mackintosh Brown, and
"Gold" by Wake Owl, and
"Cold World" by Jon E.K.
"Such Great Heights" by The Postal Service, and
"Portions for Foxes" by Rilo Kiley, and
"What Can I Say" by Brandi Carlile, and
"You and Me" by Lifehouse, and
"Sky" by Joshua Radin and Ingrid Michaelson, and
"Hometown Glory" by Adele, and finally,
"End of All Time" by Stars of Track and Field.
And they listen to the tape all the way.
And at each change of song Addison is hoping to hear the song that Meredith had been singing her the other night.
But it never plays, and she's sure that she'd recognize it.
And she tries not to look so dejected when the mixtape finally comes to an end.
John examines the cover, where Addison had drawn a picture instead of signing her name and Meredith signs for both of them.
"From A and M."
As well as "Thanks For The Memories" in Meredith's curvy cursive.
And John says he is so touched, and he says to them all "thanks for giving me the best not-dying-days of my life"
Addison says she has to have one last post-divorce dinner with McDreamy before she breaks his heart and says she'll still meet them for drinks at Joe's maybe after.
And then Addison motions for Meredith to drive her to pick up the takeout.
And Derek starts to follow along before Addison says they'll just bring it back and eat it here anyhow he doesn't need to ride along.
And then she glares at whoever made the comment 'guess they're not all into threesomes…'
As the interns and attendings except for Derek all file out to get dinner from the Cafeteria.
Derek stays behind and hangs out with John the patient a little more, off Addison's suggestion.
Derek finally confesses his love-pain to John, who offers him lots and lots of stories of how he faced coming out and homophobia growing up.
Derek talks to John for a long time, before and John finally says "your ex-wife certainly is a romantic" and she's "very supportive of gay men."
And when Derek asks what he means about that, John says he has a secret to share only with him.
So when he nods and he makes his promises, John slides out another part of the CD packaging he'd noticed had fallen out into his hand earlier when he opened it.
He unfolded it and read it himself and smiled before he showed what it is to Derek.
John shows Derek, first, an encouraging thank-you message from Addison, and how the last line of it, which says please see an attached note which looks like a medical chart.
He then shows Derek the secret love note with the letter from Raj.
It said to him "from your secret admirer" and Derek gushes at how sweet it is.
It's actually from the male psychiatrist, the same one that the interns had stolen his chart from when he was first admitted here.
He says that his middle name is 'Arthur' but he can call him Raj.
It says that Raj had held him on Psych hold because he had had a crush on him and wanted to be there when he woke up.
So he 5150'd him so he'd get to talk to him once again, but he had never had the chance before all the drama inevitably happened.
But he still thought of him, so after Addison talked to Raj about his discharge paperwork, Addison said he's a really good person, and she said she'd pass on his number to John.
As long as Raj promised to be good to John and not hit on Meredith Grey again, even for pretend.
And John said he was going to call Raj once he's better.
And John says Derek should call his best friend and take his chances one he is ready.
He asks what Derek would need for him and Mark to work out.
He says he'd have to move to Seattle but he didn't want to force him to.
And not to talk to other girls in the meantime, and Derek finally feels he has someone who has reassured him that he REALLY belongs.
Meredith and Addison enjoy their car ride going to get the Thai food.
And the plant food.
Despite what she said earlier, Addison pays for all of the orders, including herse, Meredith's, and even Derek's, just as a friend might do, and Meredith thinks that it's nice.
They have just mindless and funny banter the whole way there and back.
And neither of them try to feel each other up in the car.
And neither of them wants to break open the moment by asking anything too serious.
(Addison thinks now that maybe she should confess to Grey.)
(But she doesn't want to get them all in a car crash so she decided to wait just a little bit longer…)
(And Meredith just looks so, so, happily singing along to the radio to all the popular tunes…)
Addison walks by and smiles at John and Derek as she walks by their room.
She drops off Thai food for Derek, then decides that John can have her share and that she'll just share Meredith's with her 'because it's the same order anyway.'
And John smiles and winks at Addison, and he also winks at Derek, to signal to him that they had 'their little secret' too.
And John allows Meredith to settle down cross-legged on the floor and eat her pad thai with Addison as they each dive in with their chopsticks.
And Derek even offers to bring the girls their cake, to which Meredith says "YES PLEASE!" And Addison says she's too full now to eat it.
Eventually, Meredith runs off to see her friends for a bit because she hasn't really seen them all day. So she runs off to hang out with Izzie and Cristina and Alex and George in a common room as they finish off the rest of the party snacks and pack up the extra decorations.
And John congratulates Addison and Derek on such an amicable divorce.
"People must hate you both for it" John only laughs.
"You have no idea…" Addison and Derek say to him, at once.
(But perhaps John really does know all about their interconnected lives…)
John begs "Doctor Boss" now, to stay one final day in the hospital as he arranges for his ex-lover's mother to pick him up from the hospital.
Addison understands his situation as his parents had passed away so she signs off on that, saying up she'll make up another psych evaluation if she has to.
Addison doesn't see Meredith or any traces of her after she finally leaves John's room and leaves Derek to talk to him. This is later in the evening, after dinner, when she goes to her office to change, pick up her clothes for the evening, including her favorite 'red and green' scarf. She hopes that Meredith will not dislike it, after having said to her that "red and green' was not a super-fashionable combination.
And Addison decides happily that she doesn't need any more pre-drinks before heading to the bar after all. She's had enough of Derek's single-malt-scotch to last her. And she doesn't think that getting drunk around Meredith right after she's newly single is a very good idea. And she thinks that it's good that she doesn't because Meredith has the keys to her secret drawer in her office, and she really doesn't want to ask Meredith for her key to her secret office 'liquor cabinet' back right now.
So instead of indulging herself in alcohol, she eats another piece of Izzie's cherry and vanilla cake. She had one put aside for her earlier and she'd wanted to eat it in private. She didn't want to eat a big piece of it in front of the interns. She couldn't, she already knew, stand to eat a cherry-and-vanilla-whip-cream-cake-baked-by-Cristina-and-Izzie without thinking about Meredith licking a lollipop while practically eye-fucking her twice. Not without audibly moaning at least…
So Addison has had her cake taste earlier, of just the vanilla and not even the cherry.
When Meredith had offered her a taste off of her fork and she couldn't resist.
But this time Addison got to 'have her cake first and then to eat it too', later.
And as Addison sinks her teeth into the exploding cherries, all she can dream of how Meredith's lips could taste fastened to hers...
Addison didn't even have a drink with her cake because she didn't want to wear down the flavors of cherry and whipped cream and vanilla and happiness with another taste entirely.
But if Addison HAD needed a drink and opened her drawer she would have realized that her bottle of Blue Sapphire Gin would not have been so secret to the intern after all.
One of these days, rather far into the future from now, when Addison will finally have an occasion to feel the need to take a drink from this secret stash once again. Or to offer a taste of it to someone else who really, really needs it. But that person won't be in her office WITH her when she opens that drawer again. Because it is still her secret stash.
So she thinks it is, anyways. But then again, one of these days when Addison is feeling like someone, herself or otherwise, needs a comforting Gin and Tonic at work, she will discover the drawer had been opened that day when Meredith had been in her office.
And that there were only eighteen of the twenty blank CD's left in the package, which was also in the same drawer where she stashed her secret gin with the keys that Meredith still had on her keyring. And she will discover inside of it some new content. She will discover a surprise.
It's a homemade CD mixtape, for HER. The gift is addressed with the same date of her divorce with a hand-drawn design on the cover. The sketch looks uncannily like the non-straight-looking potted plant she'd held in Meredith's house.
And next to the drawing are the words: 'Thank you for not letting it go. Thank you for not just letting it be. Thank you for being the person who nurses knocked over queer potted plants back to health, even if that means going out of your way to buy plant food on the way from picking up Thai food with me, instead, of thinking that plants that refuse to be straight again are not even worth it. Because you never thought the plant was worthless. You thought it deserved a chance today'
(Addison will wonder when she opens the gift if Meredith had known about Addison's identity as the 'mystery person' at the moment she'd made the card about the potted plant.)
(But Meredith will reassure Addison after she asks, that she hadn't; she was only thinking of how Addison had wanted to buy plant food when she'd made that mixtape for Addison...)
When Addison opens up the cheap plastic CD case to pop the tape into her old boombox player she still kept in her office, something else will fall out of it. And that there was another mystery note, addressed to Doctor McHotBoss, from her 'secret admirer'.
She will discover in that way, then her secret admirer had been pining for her all along. She will realize then that THIS was the surprise that Meredith was referring to 'someone liking a whole lot' all the way back at John the patient's surprise party. She will chuckle at this memory. She'll think 'god, Grey really is clever, isn't she…
And she will sit back in her desk chair, listening to the tape on her. And she will close her eyes and imagine when she hears the opening lines to the first of the songs.
"We'll take a better look, beyond a storybook…"
She'll remember the song from the night Meredith sang her to sleep.
And she will dream of a happily ever after with her 'not-so-secret-admirer', for whom she had been pining for as well, for longer than even Addison could remember…
Probably as long as the night they'd first met…
And that that beautiful song that surrounded her office will always remind her of that perfect day she and Meredith had shared. It will remind her of the feeling of Meredith Grey's tender arms around her, her nimble fingers running through her loose hair.
And Addison thinks for the second time in her life that this would be the perfect song to have at a wedding. And she wonders if the thought ever occurs to her a third time if that secret wish would ever be one to come true...
But Addison in the present day is not daydreaming of weddings.
Addison in the present day is not drinking her gin.
Addison in the present day is not dreamily listening to the Ingrid Michaelson song "Turn to Stone."
Addison in the present day still has no idea what that song is even called or who sings it.
If anyone had asked her she would have blurted out that the singer is "Meredith'.
Addison in the present is fantasizing about Meredith's lips on hers.
She's fantasizing about Meredith's lips on her chin and her cheek and on her temple.
Addison is imagining Meredith kissing her neck and worshiping her tender hairline.
She's imagining Meredith sucking on the spot behind her ear before nibbling her earlobe.
She's imagining Meredith doing all the things she'd been doing to her body in the scrub room, but with her tongue and her teeth alongside her magical fingers...
Addison decides she really has to do something about this and sets off to tell Meredith grey the whole truth.
Meanwhile,
Meredith loves hanging out with her friends, but they all seem to want to go off and, well, spend time in their pairings.
And Meredith is exhausted after this endless day of driving and surgeries and parties.
(And extreme McCrushes on the newly McDivorced and amazing McAddison…)
So Meredith finally finds an empty on-call room to crash in for a short little nap.
She thinks of showering, but decides to do that in a little while…
She wishes she had Addison to cuddle with in her sleep.
But she's so tired she drifts into happy dreams until she's woken up a bit later.
And Addison is feeling all heated up all over again.
And she's nervous about the prospect of telling Meredith Grey.
And she's covered in grime from all the surgeries anyhow.
So Addison goes off in search of a shower and also the Intern.
She eventually realizes that the only on-call room with a shower that does not have a couple in it is the one she finally ends up opening quietly because the lights are off.
Addison eventually sees that it's Meredith who is in the bunk bed, so she tosses an extra blanket on her, and waits till she stops stirring completely.
She wishes she could tell Meredith the truth now, to get it over with, rip the bandage off.
But she would never want to wake her, so Addison only sits next to her for a second and smiles.
Addison watches her sleep for a minute, wondering if she had looked this peaceful in Meredith's arms.
Addison tucks a hair behind Meredith's ear and says "thank-you, sweet dream, Meredith" before heading off for her shower.
She'll be grateful, very soon, that she hadn't said anything more in-depth than that, like confessed or professed a crush or something more to Meredith Grey like, just now.
She'll be pretty damn relieved once she finds out later that Meredith Grey had actually been awake and just not moving, for that entire exchange, just so she could remember the feeling of Addison Montgomery tucking her into bed for a moment.
***** END OF CHAPTER 28
Author's Note:
Hello friends!
I hope you enjoyed 15 pages of Meredith's hands on top of Addison's shoulders. Like actually that is exactly what that was. LOL sexual tension fluff. I really like that. A lot.
(In Addition to some 'secret admirer' antics, a party, a dinner, and some other stuff.)
Seriously though, I do have a question: Do you prefer longer or shorter chapters? Would you like it if I posted half the chapters (say at 4000 words each) and then posted the rest later? Or do you like it the way it is as one daily/every two-day update thing?
Looking at the stats for this work, most clicks are obviously for the beginning and less for newer chapters. But I don't know if that's just because committing to a long fic is HARD (I know.. It's okay!) or if that's because the earlier chapters were shorter and people don't like reading a long ass thing. Or maybe you want to read every damn word and like that the length of the chapters on average is increasing.
Let me know! Also, to the people who said they might be inspired to write - YOU ARE MY HERO. Yes, YOU. If I get to read more MerAdd fanfiction in my day I will be so happy! So to those other authors out there, thanks so, so much!
SO all in all: No one has entered, nor won the 'what was the mystery gift for John' game. Sad. I would have written you a one-shot. But alas, feel free to play the guessing game of 'what will happen next?' because I like to hear predictions.
Also, for those of you who were wondering, yes I do watch Killing Eve and I'm probably not very subtle about it...
Enjoy the next approximately 36-48 hours before the next installment. I do update almost daily now, like clockwork. But if I have enough written and I get enough reviews I MAY POST EARLY!
Author's Note 3:
This is actually all songs taken from the show, at some point, that I happen to enjoy as a playlist :D
THANK YOU FOR READING! LEAVE A NOTE, IT WILL MAKE MY DAY :D
Seriously, you reviewers are totally the best :D
bobbiejelly