Thanks for the reviews! Hope everyone is staying safe during these crazy times!
"Dawn is awake?" Derek exclaims as he sits up. He can't believe it! He runs his hands through his hair.
"Yes, Derek. This is a good thing." Addison says as she rubs his arm. Derek looks up and gives her a small smile. Addison is confused. She expected Derek to be happier. More excited. "Are you ok?" she asks tentatively.
"Yeah, I need to go to the hospital. Do you want to come?" he asks. He knows she traveled a lot that day and is probably exhausted.
"Of course I am coming!" Addison says as she attempts to stand up. Derek offers her a hand. "Thanks." she says sheepishly. "I just need to pee first." Addison says, rolling her eyes. Derek does his best not to laugh. He knows it is only going to get worse over the next few months as the babies grow!
While Addison is finishing getting ready to go to the hospital, Derek walks out of the trailer and looks out over the lake. Is he really ready to go back to the hospital? He knows he has to. He made a commitment to the clinical trial and is going to give his one surviving patient the best he can. But what about after that? He still felt like he was underwater. Like it is taking every ounce of energy to put one foot in front of the other.
"I'm ready." Addie exclaims as she comes out the trailer door interrupting his thoughts. Derek looks over and is blown away by the fact that she is his and that she is carrying their boys. "What?" Addison asks in confusion. Derek is looking at her in complete awe.
"You are just so damn beautiful." Derek says. "Thank you, Addie, for everything. Thank you for carrying our twins." he continues as he pulls her into a tight hug. He is holding her so tight he can feel one of the babies kicking.
"I love you too, Derek, but I think the babies and I would like to breathe a little." Addison laughs pulling away a little. Derek laughs as they head to the car.
"You know, Babe. We really should name these boys soon." Addison says as they are driving to the hospital. "You know I like different names. Not the common ones."
"I am aware. Do you have any ideas?" Derek asks, glancing over at her.
"What about Xavier or Aloysius?" Addison asked thoughtfully.
"Xavier is ok, but absolutely not on Aloysius." Derek responds. "What is wrong with common names like Charles and Christopher?"
"You want to name the twins after our fathers?" Addison asks, a little surprised. She figured one of the boys would be named after Derek's dad, but she wasn't expecting Derek to suggest naming one of them after the Captain.
"Sure, why not? I mean I know the Captain has his issues, but he is still your father." Derek says. Addison looks at him quietly. She honestly hadn't even considered naming one of the boys after her dad.
"I still don't know. Definitely NOT for a first name, but maybe a middle name?" Addison replies, turning to look at him.
"Ok. Well, we still have plenty of time." Derek says as he pulls into his parking space at the hospital. He takes a deep breath as he takes off his seat belt. He can do this. It is just talking to a patient. Addison watches him out of the corner of her eye as she too takes off her seatbelt. She notices that he seems hesitant. She knew something else was going on with Derek. Something that had pushed him over the edge. There had been other times in his career when he had lost a lot of patients in a short time. While it had made him sad, he had never reacted in the same way. Then again, it had never been after dealing with his own wife's brain tumor or having a wife pregnant with twins.
Addison takes Derek's arm as they walk quietly up to the hospital. There are not a lot of people around as it is almost 7 at night. Addison is thankful as she does not want Derek to have to talk to a lot of people after his meltdown.
"Do you want me to come with you to talk to the family?" Addison asks Derek as they ride up the elevator.
"No, I will be alright. But thank you." Derek answers. He gives Addison a quick kiss as she gets off on the maternity floor to head to her office to work on some paperwork.
As Derek walks into Dawn's room, he is blown away by what he sees. All 3 of her teenagers are sitting on or near the bed with huge smiles on their faces. Her husband is taking pictures.
"Good Evening, every one." Derek greets them as they all look up. "How are you feeling, Dawn?" he asks as he heads over to examine her.
"I am doing great." Dawn says, a little horse. "Thank you for saving my life." she says as tears spring into her eyes.
"Thank you for being willing to risk it knowing it hasn't worked for anyone else." Derek replied as he too is caught up with emotion. He clears his throat. "So far, all your vitals and neuro checks look good. We did an initial scan right after surgery and everything looked good. We will do another one tonight. After that, we will do repeat scans every week for the first 2 months, then every month for the rest of the year. The hope is that we will not see any regrowth of the tumor." Derek informed the family.
Derek finished updating the chart and then walked out of the room. He was surprised when Dawn's husband, Justin, followed him.
"Um, Dr. Shepherd, do you have a minute?" Justin asked him.
"Of course." Derek answered as he led Justin over to a meeting room. "How can I help you?"
"Well, first of all, I want to sincerely thank you for everything you have done for our family. You have no idea what it means to us. I don't think we mentioned this, but my dad passed away about a year ago. Right before Dawn was diagnosed with her brain tumor. This has been the hardest year of my life dealing with the death of my father and preparing to lose the love of my life." Justin said, doing his best not to cry.
Derek walked over and gave the man a hug. Even though he really didn't now him that well, he felt a sense of connection with him.
"I know how you feel." Derek replied. "My dad died when I was 13. My wife actually had a scare with a brain tumor earlier this year as well. She is well now and is actually pregnant with twins."
"Really?" Justin exclaimed in surprise.
:Really." Derek laughed. "She is due in April. This past year has been a rough one for me too." Derek was quiet for a minute. "I guess I am just letting you know, I understand how you feel, and you are welcome. I just am glad it worked."
"I am glad your wife is ok as well." Justin responded. He stood up, shook Derek's hand, and returned to his family.
Derek stayed in the meeting room a little while longer reflecting on everything that had happened. 2007 really had been one of the most stressful years of his life. This time last year, he was dealing with the fact that he thought he was in love with another woman, really wanted very little to do with his wife, and was just going through the motions. Then in a matter of minutes at the prom, his whole life turned upside down. The idea of losing Addison was terrifying for him. And now he was having twins. Boy twins.
"How in the world am I supposed to raise boys?' Derek thought as he put his head in his hands. This thought came out of nowhere and surprised him. The more he thought about it, the more he realized he was actually terrified about raising boys. Girls he could handle easily. He grew up with 4 sisters and had been juggling the women in his life since he came into the world. But boys? He was so young when he lost his own father. Did he really know how to be one?
The weight of all of it was getting too much for Derek. He had to get out of that small room. He kept seeing all the people who had died on his OR table, of Addison dying in surgery, of his dad dying so many years ago.
Suddenly he found it very hard to breath. He got up and went into the hallway gasping for air. Addison was coming down the hallway looking for Derek when she saw him having a panic attack. She grabbed his arm and pulled him into a supply closet. She got a paper bag and handed it to him.
"Breath, Derek. Just breath. Slow deep breaths." Addison commanded. She had no idea what was going on with him. Derek breathes in the bag and looked directly at Addison. Eventually his breathing regulated and he leaned back against the wall.
"What is wrong, Derek?" Addison asked in concern. He looked up at her and didn't know what to say.
"I, uh, I am not sure. I, uh," he stumbled on the words. "I don't know how to be a dad to boys." he finally blurted out. He put his head down between his knees in shame. He couldn't look her in the face. Addison was shocked. This was not what she was expecting him to say.
"Um, ok…" she trailed off. Both were quiet for a minute. "Derek, can you maybe clue me in a little more as to what you mean?" she asked, still really confused. Derek glanced up at her and then back down.
"My whole life I have been surrounded by girls. I know how to do tea parties, braid hair, play dolls, all the "girly" stuff. I can do that in my sleep. But boys!?" he shook his head. Addison pulled Derek into a hug, finally understanding where he was going with this.
"You are afraid you won't be a good dad to our boys?" she asked him. He nodded. Still not looking at her. "Does this have anything to do with your own dad dying?" she continued. She felt his whole body stiffen and knew she had gotten to the root of the problem.
"Derek, look at me." Addison said gently. Derek slowly sat up and looked her in the eye. He saw her full of love and compassion.
"You are going to be an amazing father! I know so because look at what an amazing uncle you are. To BOTH your nieces and your nephews. You will be even better with our boys. And when it gets hard, and you miss your father or you are struggling, that is what I am here for. No one expects you to do this alone." Addison exclaimed.
"But what if I end up having to do this alone?" Derek asked quietly.
"Derek, if the unimaginable happens, and I die, which is unlikely, but if I do, then I have no doubt that you will rise to the occasion and do an amazing job. And you will never have to raise them completely alone. You will always have your mom, your sisters, and even Mark." Addison explained, pulling him to another head.
The couple sat there holding each other for a very long time without saying anything. Finally, Derek leaned over and gave Addison a kiss. "Thank you." he said quietly. "Everything you said really does help, Addie, but I am still terrified."
"Well so am I." Addison admitted. "Every new parent is. At least you had an amazing mom. I barely had a mother or a father around. But we will get through it. Just promise me one thing, Derek." Addison continued as they stood up. Derek looked at her in question. "Please don't try and keep all your pain inside, to yourself anymore. Talk to me about it. Or talk to Mark. Or your mom, Or even a therapist. No one expects you to carry this much burden by yourself."
"I will try." Derek nodded. With that, the couple made their way out of the hospital and went home.
Over the next few weeks, Addison and Derek slowly began to get back to normal. The epiphany Derek had about being afraid to raise boys was a turning point for him. He also realized he was taking on too much with work and decided to back off a bit from surgery as he was getting a lot of attention in the medical community for the success of his clinical trial patient. Even though only 1 survived, many thought it was a major breakthrough. He received approval for doing another 13 patients, using the results they learned on the first 13. Derek had no idea what to do. He was deep in thought when Mark entered his office.
"Dude, what is on your mind? You look so somber.." Mark laughed as he entered his best friend's office.
"I received approval to do a second round of clinical trial patients." Derek confided.
"Oh, the horror!" Mark mocked. "Imagine the golden boy getting recognition enough to do more groundbreaking medicine."
"I'm serious, Mark. How am I supposed to tell Addie that I am doing another round of clinical trial patients after what happened last time and with her entering her 3rd trimester soon!" Derek sighed.
"Look, Derek." Mark said as he became serious. "Who ever said you have to do this clinical trial by yourself? Why can't you get someone to help you?" Derek looked at him in surprise. The thought honestly never crossed his mind.
"Yeah, but I can't do that to Richard. I am already taking a back seat with operating. I can't pull another one of our neurosurgeons too." Derek responded as he sat back in defeat.
"Who said it has to be a Seattle Grace doctor?" Mark asked pointedly. Derek looked at him confused.
"Who else would it be?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. Who do you know that is now an attending and would kill to participate in a groundbreaking clinical trial. Who has no family obligations and would be able to spend a hell of a lot more time on a clinical trial than you. Who is someone your WIFE might actually enjoy having around?" Mark answered. Derek shook his head no as it dawned on him who Mark was talking about.
"Amy? Hell no!" Derek said.
"Why not, Derek? She is perfect and you know it! If you could get over your big brother complex and forgive her for the past and see who the person she is today. I mean, she DID help save Addison's life." Mark pointed out. Both men were quiet as Derek contemplated what he said.
"I guess I could call her." Derek conceded. The more he thought about it, the more it made perfect sense. He hated to admit when Mark was right.
Derek called Amelia, who was more than excited to fly out to Seattle and help with the clinical trial. He then cleared it with Richard It was set. The clinical trial would start at the beginning of February and run through early March.
Later that night, while they were eating supper, Derek knew it was time to tell Addison his plans.
"So, I have some news," Derek started.
"Is it good or bad?" Addison asked curiously. Derek was shifting in his seat so she couldn't tell.
"I will let you be the judge of that." Derek smirked. "Amy is going to be coming to work at Seattle Grace for a few months to help with the next round of clinical trial patients." Addison just looked at him in surprise. She wasn't sure which to respond to first. The fact that the youngest Shepherd was coming or the fact that there was another round of the clinical trial.
"Um, ok." she said, taking a sip of water to buy some time. "How long has this been being planned?"
"Well, I found out I received a grant for another round of the clinical trial a few days ago, but I didn't want to say anything because I didn't know if I was going to do it." Derek admitted. "Then today, Mark came into my office and suggested I get Ameila to help. And, as much as I hate it when he is right, it made perfect sense. She can help share the workload so that I can be here more for you as it gets closer to the birth of our boys." he said as he reached across the table and took Addiosn's hand. "What do you think?"
"Well, I am a little shocked, but it makes a lot of sense. It actually makes a lot of sense." Addison said thoughtfully and started to get excited. She loved her little sister and was excited about getting to work closely with her. "Where is Amelia going to live?" she asked. Derek looked at her confused.
"At a hotel, I guess." Derek said, shrugging his shoulders. He honestly hadn't even thought about it.
"Nonsense! We have a perfectly good bedroom here she can stay in." Addie replies before taking a bite of her salad.
"Are you sure?" Derek asked. He didn't know how he felt about living under the same roof as his sister again.
"Of course! Oh, it will be so much fun! She can help me get ready for the babies. We can stay up late and have sister talk. This is going to be great!" Addison said, jumping up and giving Derek a kiss as if the whole thing was his idea. Derek looked at Addie like she was crazy.
"If you say so." he said in disbelief. Addison didn't hear him as she was already sending a text message to Amelia to let her know the arrangements.
A few weeks later, Addison woke up, and of course had to pee. She sighed as she rolled out of bed. She could no longer see her feet. Her belly button had popped out and stretch marks were very evident. On top of all of that, she had to pee every few hours as the twins continuously bounced on her bladder. At 7 ½ months pregnant, with twins at that, Addison was beyond ready to get these babies out of her!
As Addison scooted back into bed, Derek rolled over and cuddled up to her. He ran his hands over the ever changing contours of his wife's body. He loved all the changes, despite Addison's justifiable frustrations.
"Morning, Sunshine." Derek whispered in Addiosn's ear. His hot breath and hands running over her sent chills up and down Addison's body. She rolled over to her back and gave Derek a deep kiss.
"Morning. Feel like a quickie before we go get your sister from the airport?" she asked coyly. Of course, sex had come with it's own new sets of challenges and logistics with Addison's growing belly! But, they had enjoyed figuring out what positions they could still do!
A few hours later, Derek pulled up to SEA-TAC. Amelia was waiting for them as he pulled up to the arrival area. Amelia was shocked at how much Addison had grown since Christmas.
"Wow, Addie! Those babies have really grown!" she exclaimed, attempting to give her a hug. Derek shot his sister a glare as he loaded her luggage. "What?" Amelia mouths to Derek.
On the way back to the apartment, Addison grills Ameilia on the latest of the family. She really does miss everyone.
"Well, let's see. Mom sent an entire suitcase full of baby boy clothes. Of course, they are all from thrift stores, so do with them as you want." Amelia laughed. "Solomon will be graduating this spring and plans to attend NYU. Jake has a new girlfriend named Molly." she continued as she gave an update of each grandkid. "And finally, Wesley is beginning to walk." she finished.
"He is already walking! He is only 11 months old!" Addison exclaimed. "I guess when you are the youngest of 4, you want to keep up with all your siblings!"
The rest of the ride was relatively quiet. Addison could not believe how much was changing with the family back East. Yes, they saw each other several times a year, but it really wasn't the same. Derek glanced over at Addison and noticed her far away look in her eyes. He knew she was missing the family. He reached over and squeezed her hand. She turned to look at him and gave him a small smile.
After getting Amelia settled into the apartment, they headed over to the hospital. Derek went with his sister to the Chief's office to get all her paperwork signed to work at Seattle Grace. Meanwhile, Addison headed up to the NICU to check on a few of her tiny patients.
Let me know what you think!