CHAPTER 27
"Daddy!" exclaimed Finn as Matt opened the door to his bedroom. The toddler was standing up in his crib, holding on to the rail and bouncing excitedly on the mattress. Matt walked over, lowered the side of the crib and gathered his son up in his arms.
"Morning, big guy! Are you ready for some breakfast?" he asked as he carried the boy over to the changing table that sat on the other side of the room.
"Cakes!" said Finn as Matt laid him down to take his diaper off.
"Mommy's the best pancake maker, Chief, but I'll give it a try. How about you give the potty a try this morning for Daddy?" said Matt, as he set Finn down on the floor. The toddler took off running, bare behind and all, across the hallway to the bathroom, leaving a trail of pee on the floor before taking a seat on his own special little potty.
"I go pee!" he shouted, feeling proud of himself as the last few drops trickled into the removable basin underneath the seat.
"Yeah, you go pee alright...everywhere!" said Matt, squatting down next to his son. Finn's big grin softened the blow of the task of having to wipe up the mess on the bathroom floor.
"I done!" said Finn, standing up and looking into the small plastic potty where he had deposited approximately a tablespoon of urine.
"Good job!" said Matt, feeling proud of his son at his accomplishment. He had always heard how boys were harder to potty train than girls, but Finn seemed to be doing well for not yet being two years old, even though he didn't have a daughter to compare him to. For a fleeting moment, Matt entertained the idea of having another baby with Maddy right away. They were both thirty-eight years old and he knew that Maddy was eager to give Finn a sibling before she was considered too old. Matt wanted another child too, but had been hesitant only because Maddy had said she wanted to be a stay at home mom with the second one. He wasn't sure how they could swing that financially, but right now in his current state of mind, he was ready to ignore his normally pragmatic nature and overlook that. He would have done anything Maddy had asked of him just to have her back home. He would tell her today, hoping it would make her happy. She had said she would be coming back, but didn't say what time he could expect her. He decided he would call her as soon as he had breakfast ready for Finn and himself. He put a fresh pull up on Finn, then pulled his pajama bottoms back on and carried him downstairs.
"OK, Chief...pancakes coming up!" he said as he set the toddler down at the bottom of the stairs. He immediately took off running into the living room, landing on his knees next to one of the many plastic fire trucks in his possession.
"K, pardner!" said Finn as he pushed the truck around on the carpet. Matt wondered where he had heard the word 'pardner' when the image of Jackson Walker came to mind. He stopped in his tracks and took a deep breath before heading out to the kitchen. He had told himself he would be alright with Walker having contact with Maddy about the daughter they shared. What he wasn't alright with was Walker having any influence on his son. He shook the thought from his head, telling himself that there was no harm done. He didn't know Walker from Adam, but the little interaction he witnessed between him and Finn at the beach a few weeks ago, he was confident that he would have been a good father to his daughter, if he had been given the chance. He had to keep reminding himself of what Maddy had told him, that Walker was not the homewrecker he made him out to be. He had to trust that Maddy was right.
It was just past nine o'clock when Jace appeared in the kitchen and sat at the breakfast bar. I had been up for about an hour and had made coffee and started getting ingredients together to make omelets for breakfast. I poured him a mug of coffee and set it down in front of him. He stared at me for a few seconds, his bright blue eyes drilling through me like they always did.
"Mornin' baby," he growled, like a lion surveying his prey.
"Morning, cowboy. Hungry?" I said, pouring some orange juice from the container into two small glasses, trying to keep the mood light and happy despite what we were both thinking. I walked around to the side of the breakfast bar where he was seated on one of the stools. I set the juice down beside each place setting.
"Ravenous," he said, pulling me between his legs and landing a perfect kiss on my lips. It was obvious he was referring to something more than just eating eggs. "How can you be this beautiful so early in the day?" he asked when he finally let go of me.
"It's a trick I learned after I turned thirty-five. I use smoke and mirrors. It's all an illusion," I said, giving him a sly grin.
"Nuh uh," he said, taking my chin between his fingers and giving me a quick kiss.
"Omelets okay? You had a lot of eggs in the fridge," I said, pulling out of his hold.
"You made omelets the morning after I got this," he said, running his finger over the scar that ran through his left eyebrow.
"I remember," I said, without looking up from the frying pan. I knew if we made eye contact right now, I'd break down into a blubbering mess. The idea of leaving him was doing my head in. I hated myself for having such unexpected strong feelings for him. I had a husband who loved me waiting for me at home with our son. I had already betrayed him once, the very same thing I had punished him for doing to me. I still regretted nothing about sleeping with him. It was something we both wanted and needed, albeit for different reasons. In just a few hours, we would both be going back to our respective realities and all of this would be behind us. I set Jace's breakfast down in front of him, then came back around the counter and sat next to him. We ate in relative silence until Jace spoke.
"I gotta ask you something...what did you mean when you said we may never see each other again after today? I took a deep breath in before putting the right words together in my head.
"OK...here's the thing...Matt wanted me to ask you not to come back to Chicago, to give us some space to work things out," I said.
"And you agreed to that?" He dropped his fork onto the counter and rubbed his hand over his face. A dark look settled over his features.
"I told him that I would ask you, Jace. It seemed fair, especially since I asked him never to have any more contact with Gabby Dawson," I said.
"Does he remember that you and I have a child together?"
"Yes, of course he does, but that has little to do with you coming back here. He understands that you and I will always be in contact with each other because of Harper and her illness, but if I'm being honest, I think you staying away from here is the best thing," I said.
"The best thing for who? Your husband, no doubt," he said, sounding disgusted.
"No, Jace. The best thing for me," I said, feeling tears welling up in my eyes.
"Why, baby?" he said, his voice suddenly softening.
"Because if you came back here, I don't think I could trust myself to stay away from you. You fill a place in my heart that Matthew never will," I whispered, tears cascading down my face. He spun my stool around towards him and pulled me into his arms.
"Christ, baby...this is just so fucking wrong. I love you a thousand times more than he ever will. You should be with me, not him."
"Even if that's true, too much time has gone by, making it impossible for us now. I know it wasn't all under our control, but what's done is done. You and I had an extraordinary kind of love for each other. I feel it just as strong today as I did on our wedding day. These last few days with you have been beautiful and I will never forget them or how you made me feel. I hope that, in some way, they've helped you heal from everything you've had to deal with. But having said all of this, I think it's important that you know that up until a couple of weeks ago, I have never been unhappy with Matthew. I don't consider loving him to be wrong," I said.
"You still love him, then," he said, sounding defeated.
"I do," I said. I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand.
"But you love me too. Is that wrong?"
"I'm married to someone else, Jackson. That's the only thing that makes it wrong. Otherwise, it would be perfect. We would be perfect," I said.
"We are perfect, baby," he said, cradling my face and caressing my cheeks with his thumbs.
"Please don't be mad at me, cowboy. This time with you was never meant to mislead you. The last thing I wanted to do was cause you any more pain. I turned to you because I knew you would help me through everything. I never expected to have these feelings for you again. I'm so sorry if you think I've been playing with your heart," I said.
"I saw the writing on the wall when I first saw you and him and Finn together on the beach that day. I knew then that I couldn't just take you away with me, even though that's what I wanted to do. I could never really be mad at you, Cookie...at least not for making a life without me. Spending this time with you hasn't played with my heart, it's helped it," he said.
"I want you to be happy, Jace. You have so much love to give. You deserve someone who can give themselves to you completely. Promise me you'll try to find that," I said.
"I can't promise that, Cook. I wish I could, but I know deep down in my heart that I'll never be able to love anyone else but you, no matter how hard I try," he said.
"It upsets me to think of you spending the rest of your life alone. You're too special a man not to be in love again," I said.
"When you've had the best, there's no use in tryin' anymore," he said. "If I can't be with you, I'd rather be alone. I'd make any other woman hate me because I'd always be comparing her to you," he said.
"You're a stubborn cowboy," I said, taking his hand in mine.
"And you're a feisty little filly," he said. I slid off my stool and wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders. He slid his arms around my waist and pulled me in close. We held each other for several minutes.
"You still like bubble baths?" he said, suddenly breaking the silence.
"Absolutely,' I said, nodding my head.
"Good, cos I got a great big tub in there that's just goin' to waste. How about I go draw us a nice warm bath before we start packing everything up?"
"Us?" I asked, sounding a little surprised.
"You're still mine for the next few hours. Indulge me," he said. A sly grin broke out across his face.
"Sounds good to me. I'll clean up in here, then I'll join you, OK?"
"OK, baby," he said, kissing my forehead before leaving the kitchen. I watched him as he walked away...broad shoulders, muscled arms, long lean legs and a mane of long dark wavy hair trailing down his back...he appeared strong and virile on the outside, but he was more fragile on the inside than he let on. I had no remorse about having played house with him for the last several days. I wanted his heart to feel as full as mine for as long as possible. Once we said our goodbyes later today, it would all be over.
I filled the sink with hot water and began to wash the breakfast dishes. As I was wiping down the breakfast bar, my cell phone rang. I dried my hands on a kitchen towel and retrieved it from the pocket of my robe. I could see by the caller ID that it was Matt.
"Good morning, baby," said Matt's familiar voice. He sounded happy and cheerful.
"Good morning, Captain," I replied. "How are my guys this morning?"
"Never better...except for the sad excuse for pancakes that I tried to make," said Matt. I could hear Finn yelling 'cakes' in the background.
"I'm sure you did your best," I said. I missed having Sunday breakfast with them. The last time I had made Sunday breakfast for Matt was the day he didn't show up until late afternoon. That's the day everything started going to hell.
"Your guys want to know when you'll be coming home today. They miss you like crazy," said Matt. His voice was soft and full of unspoken emotions.
"Probably sometime this afternoon. There's a lot of stuff to pack up," I said, flatly.
"Will Walker be coming with you?" he asked, his voice losing some of its previous exuberance.
"Yes, he will. He bought Finn and me a lot of stuff while we were here, so he'll need to pack them in the Hummer. The Cadillac is too small for everything. That's not going to be a problem, is it, Matt?"
"No, baby...it's not," he said succinctly.
"Good. Then I guess we'll see you probably around three-ish," I said.
"OK, baby. See you then. I love you," he said.
"Love you too," I said. I shoved the phone back in the pocket of my robe and sat down on one of the stools. I placed my elbows on the countertop and cradled my head in my hands, feeling incredible guilt building up inside me. I was more excited at the prospect of joining Jace in a bubble bath than I was at the thought of going home to Matt. In the process of giving Jace a sense of love and belonging, I had further separated myself from my husband. I knew that the sooner Jace went back to Texas, the better off I would be. I was drawn more to the life we had shared over the past few days than I was to the life I'd shared with Matt for the last four years and that had to change. Otherwise, my marriage wouldn't survive. All along, I had blamed Matt's behavior for it, but a big part laid solely with me. I had allowed my emotions to run away with me. I had fallen in love with Jace all over again. All I could do now was pray that Matt would never find out and that these feelings would eventually fade away once Jace was gone. More importantly, I hoped that Jace would be alright once we were apart from each other. His love for me was strong and I was terrified that it would hurt him deeply once we went back to our separate lives. Matt had started this whole fiasco, but I had acted recklessly and I was just as much to blame now. I was angry at myself for letting things get this far. I was the only person to be hurt by Matt's infidelity, but my infidelity had the potential to hurt two people. I didn't know if I could live with myself if that were to happen.
I finished up the dishes and wiped down all the counters before retreating into the ensuite bathroom where Jace was waiting for me. I opened the door to the bathroom to be greeted by the soft scent of jasmine wafting in the steamy air. It was a scent I knew well as it was my favorite for bubble baths. A vivid image appeared in my head of Jace and I in a clawfoot tub full of bubbles, surrounded by pine slat board walls and lighted candles. Jace was already in the tub waiting for me.
"Anything wrong, baby? You have that look on your face like you're thinkin' about something," he asked.
"I just got an image of you and me in a big clawfoot tub somewhere. I can't place it, though," I said, as I untied my robe.
"It was on our honeymoon. We went up to the mountain lodge in Canada that my folks owned. Does that sound like what you were seeing?" he asked.
"Yeah, that could be it," I said. He watched me closely as I removed my robe, letting it fall to the floor in a heap behind me. I could feel Jace's eyes burning a hole through me as he held out his hand to me to help me into the tub. I settled down into the warm water between Jace's legs. I was surrounded by piles of luxurious bubbles, followed by Jace's strong arms.
"Comfy?" he said, leaning his mouth against my ear.
"Mmm hmm," I said, reveling in the warmth and relaxed demeanor that had washed over me. It felt good to be in his arms, too good.
"These two weeks with you have been amazin', Cookie. The last few days, especially," he said. His voice was soft but still tinged with his trademark rugged masculinity.
"They've been wonderful. I feel like all the mysteries of my memory have been solved," I said, putting my hands over his that were clasped together across my stomach.
"I feel like the last chapter of our love story has finally been written. It makes me a little sad," he said. I rolled over onto my stomach so I could look at him. His face bore a sadness that drove deep into my heart.
"Are you gonna be alright, cowboy? I need to know," I said.
"I won't say that it ain't gonna hurt like hell to let you go, Cook, but I know it's what I have to do," he said. I sat up on my knees and brushed off the long wet strands of hair that were plastered to his face. I wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders and placed my lips on his in a brief, soft kiss. I laid myself against his long body, resting my head on his chest. This was the last time I would hear his heartbeat, the brag of which I knew so well. It had comforted me, eased my troubled mind, lulled me to sleep and evoked an intense passion in me all in the last few days. The thought of never hearing it again was too much to bear and I began to break down.
"I wish to God that things could be different, cowboy, because no matter what I do, someone is going to get hurt," I said.
"I'll never forget what you've given me in these last few days, Cook. I'm gonna hold them inside my heart forever, right next to you," he said, his voice cracking with emotion. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.
"I love you, Jackson," I whispered.
"I love you too, baby," he whispered back.
WHO DO YOU WANT MADDY TO END UP WITH...MATT CASEY OR JACE WALKER?
BE SURE TO TAKE THE POLL ON MY PROFILE!