Title: Dare to Refuse Such a Man
Rating: K+ (PG) – because I can't think of anything at this point which would constitute a higher rating. Should be sweet and clean.
Disclaimer: Though I write stories based on the novels and characters of Jane Austen, this work belongs to ME and no one else. Unless given express permission, no one besides myself has the right to distribute or profit from my intellectual property. All rights reserved.
Setting: Regency
PSA: I hope that you and yours are safe and healthy during the COVID-19 crisis. Take precautions for yourself and others and please don't hoard any goods that your family doesn't need; we're all in this together, even while we remain physically apart.

Summary: It had never occurred to Fitzwilliam Darcy that, once he had chosen a bride, her father might dare to refuse his consent. However, a woman worthy of being pleased is also worth fighting for. DE, Regency, clean romance.

"He is the kind of man, indeed, to whom I should never dare refuse anything which he condescended to ask."

Mr Bennet, Pride and Prejudice Volume III, Chapter 17

Chapter Twenty-Seven

o0o

Dealing with Mr Collins

Thursday
November 7, 1811

Though Fanny took no pleasure in always going here and there at night, what with the sorry condition of her health, she felt it necessary to attend her Sister Philips' card party for the sake of Lizzy and Mr Darcy. Lord only knew what sort of mischief could occur with Mr Collins at large amongst the population of the neighborhood, even with the rumors of his simplicity spread about. He did a magnificent job of convincing everyone he met that he was, in fact, an imbecile, but whispering behind his back did nothing to stymie him from becoming a pest around Lizzy. The man was more persistent than a rash and twice as horrid!

And so Fanny had attended her sister's soiree with her daughters and house guest even though she had much better stay home and rest her poor nerves. No one knew what she suffered, especially Mr Bennet who had, much to his family's relief, waved them all off from the front drive and then returned to his books. It was a blessing in and of itself that Mr Bennet's indolence could not be overcome by his desire to promote Mr Collins as Lizzy's fiance, leaving Fanny and her Sister Philips free to rearrange couples as they saw fit throughout the evening. He would come to rue his laziness in the end.

Already Mr Collins had made a nuisance of himself by following Lizzy about the room and introducing himself as the "fortunate man" who would one day be her husband. He had made it impossible for Lizzy to shake him without being rude – something which seemed a trifling thing to Fanny, but Lizzy must be proper – and so he had made it round half the room before Fanny had put a stop to it by sending him over to the pianoforte to turn pages for Mary. Behind his back, she had reiterated how absolutely sad it was that the poor man should be so addled.

"Mr Collins must be pitied," was Fanny's constant refrain, seconded by Mrs Philips with a slow, melancholy nod of agreement, "for he cannot help being confused. My sweet Lizzy made a point of showing him some kindness and now he thinks them engaged! And did he tell you all about his 'patroness'?"

All of Fanny's tut-tutting over the unfortunate mental state of Mr Collins was reflected back to her by most of the ladies from the area who all had their own lamentations to add. Except Lady Lucas, of course, who must persist in saying that she saw nothing particularly odd about Mr Collins. Hmph.

"Let her speculate all she wishes, Sister," Mrs Philips had hissed, her nose wrinkled in disdain as Lady Lucas – whom she could not avoid inviting lest she insult the entire Lucas family, no matter how she loathed the woman's presence in her home – marched over to Mrs Golding on the other side of the room, "no one with a modicum of sense will believe her. Mr Collins' behavior speaks for itself."

The sisters turned in tandem to observe Mr Collins from where he continued to sit at the pianoforte next to a scowling Mary, whose performance was not at all improved with her cousin's assistance. Indeed, it seemed that Mr Collins could not read music at all, requiring a cue from Mary whenever a page ought to be turned. He often missed her signals, however, causing Mary to fumble with the sheets herself as she simultaneously tried to play with only one hand. When this occurred, Mr Collins would apologize loudly and profusely instead of attending to his duty and exacerbate the mistake. Then, of course, he would reach forward and turn the page again, forcing Mary to correct him further by turning it back.

Well, the parsonage likely would not have an instrument in any case, thus eliminating this particular struggle. And Mary had seemed to enjoy his selection of sermons after dinner the previous evening, so the match was not entirely lost.

Fanny nodded along with Mrs Philips' in agreement. "You are absolutely right, Sister. And Mr Collins is certainly nothing to Mr Darcy; who could ever think that Lizzy would prefer him to a man worth ten thousand a year? Never mind that Mr Darcy is the handsomest man anyone has ever seen! Lady Lucas would be laughed out of the neighborhood for even suggesting it."

"Indeed so. By the by, I must commend Lizzy for furthering the cause so well! The entire village has been absolutely buzzing about Mr Pratchett's boy catching her in a passionate embrace with Mr Darcy yesterday. If she were not already compromised, she certainly would be now!"

"I congratulated Lizzy on her cleverness myself, but she says that she had no notion at all that they had been observed until I mentioned something about it. Well, it hardly matters; the result is the same. It is perhaps best that Mr Bennet not learn of it or he very well may put his foot down about Lizzy's walks...although, I suppose there are a thousand ways to get around that."

"Very true, very true."

A ripple of whispers went through the room and Fanny looked toward the door. Finally! Mr Darcy and Mr Bingley were come and – excellent, they had already found their way to Lizzy and Jane. Some of Fanny's anxiety eased as she watched her two eldest girls curtsy and smile shyly at their suitors, welcoming them to their table where a comparatively sedate game of Vignt-un was being played. The gentlemen sat and, rather than taking up their newly dealt hands, bestowed a telling amount of attention upon their preferred Miss Bennet.

Oh! How Fanny's heart fluttered at the thought of two daughters well married. She had little doubt that, once Lizzy and Mr Darcy were properly joined, Mr Bingley would not be far behind in offering for Jane. One wedding brings on another, or so they said, and rarely had Fanny seen such a promising inclination toward her eldest. Not since that pervert in London...but the less said of him, the better. His poetry had been rubbish, in any case, no quality at all.

Unfortunately, interest in the arrival of Mr Darcy was not limited to the matrons and young ladies of the room, but also the odious Mr Collins who rose from his seat next to Mary and abruptly abandoned her to play without assistance. The palpable relief in Mary's expression showed that she preferred it so, but really! In the middle of a song!

After extricating himself with little grace from behind the instrument, Mr Collins tripped forward across the room to where Lizzy and Mr Darcy were happily flirting with one another. It was Mr Darcy who noticed Mr Collins approach first, if the sudden coldness which afflicted his features were any indication. Lizzy, perhaps wondering at the change, turned slightly round to see her cousin coming nearer and her expression mirrored her lover's.

Before Mr Collins could so much as say his first string of greetings to the formerly contented couple, Fanny searched out the location of her youngest daughters. Spotting them at the table just behind Mr Collins, Fanny waited with impatience until she caught the eye of Kitty and then, with great energy, began waving her handkerchief about in their prearranged signal. Kitty stared at her mother with a slight crinkle in her brow for a long moment, apparently confused as to what she was supposed to do, until her expression cleared in understanding. She nudged Lydia with her elbow and pointed out Fanny from across the room – really, the girl had all the subtlety of an ox – which spurred them both into immediate action. Jumping up from their chairs, they left their cards splayed out on the table, abandoned their fish and picked up their half full wine glasses. After loudly declaring that they wished to refill their drinks, Lydia led Kitty in the direction opposite of the refreshment table and, as accidentally as she could make it appear, bumped directly into the back of Mr Collins. Kitty, a few steps behind, repeated the action so that their unfortunate cousin found himself suddenly quite damp.

"Oh, I am so clumsy! Aren't I, Kitty?"

Kitty giggled and replied that she was, adding, "And so am I!"

Well, whatever they lacked in finesse they more than made up for in effectiveness. Mr Collins, dripping with the contents of Kitty and Lydia's glasses, turned away from Lizzy and Mr Darcy – both of whom were looking painfully neutral as they watched the events unfold – and stared at them incredulously. "My dear young cousins, you must be more careful! Lady Catherine is a great proponent of caution in young ladies and..."

"I suppose it is my turn now," Mrs Philips muttered, flashing a conspiratorial look in her sister's direction.

Fanny reflected it back at her. "Most kind of you, Sister."

Mrs Philips rose from where they were seated and walked over to where Mr Collins was still scolding his cousins, neither of whom appeared even slightly contrite, to interrupt, "Oh, Mr Collins! How unfortunate. Do come with me so that we can dry you up. And then you must indulge me in a game of whist."

"I know little of the game, madam – "

"You are so good to oblige me, sir. Come, come now before the stain sets."

o0o

A Key Move

Friday
November 8, 1811

The sound of footsteps thundering down the corridor pricked Fanny's interest and her head snapped up to refocus her jittery attention upon the open doorway. Thus, seconds later when Lydia, followed immediately by a breathless Kitty, burst into her dressing room she was prepared to ask, "Is it done?"

Lydia proudly presented a key for her mother's observation and declared, "Yes, we have just done it! It was no trouble to get the key, but it was ages to wait until Papa came out. I was beginning to think he had died in there!"

If only they should be so lucky. Hmph. "Well done, my loves! I am sure, once your sister is married, she will reward you with bonnets, ribbons and lace to your hearts' content in thanks for your help." Fanny held out her hand for the key and Lydia placed it upon her palm. "Now, go dress yourselves for dinner; everyone else has already retired to their rooms."

The girls scampered back out into the hall and, after a few more seconds of exuberant pitter-pattering along the floorboards, Fanny could hear their door shut. Oh, to be so young and full of energy again.

Breaking free of her fond reminiscing of a time when she herself was a vivacious young girl, Fanny looked down at the key in her hand and smiled. The trap was laid and now all they need do was wait.

Some time later, after their dinner was complete and the ladies had risen to adjourn from the presence of the gentlemen, it was sprung.

"Collins, go on through with the ladies," Mr Bennet insisted, waving his hand in the direction of the door open to the hall. He looked weary and irritated, a condition Fanny had noticed at the end of all their meals of late. It was really no mystery why since, with Mr Collins seated in the place of honor beside his host, Mr Bennet was forced to endure long soliloquies on the various merits of his house and garden at Hunsford. It was an irritant to them all, but Mr Bennet bore the brunt of it as the object of Mr Collins' discourse, what with Lizzy seated safely down the table closer to her mother. "I am sure they are most eager to hear more of Reverend Fordyce's wise advice."

Kitty and Lydia groaned and rolled their eyes, a sentiment which Fanny shared wholeheartedly. Mary looked almost pleased at the prospect while Lizzy and Jane bore the news with only a single, silent look of commiseration between them. Well, Fanny's comfort was that they would not be forced to endure either Mr Collins or Reverend Fordyce for long.

"I shall be in my study, not to be disturbed," were Mr Bennet's parting words as he rose from his chair and preceded the ladies from the room. He disappeared into the comparative gloom of the vestibule and then he could be heard mounting the stairs to the second level.

Fanny ushered the girls down the hall and into the sitting room they preferred after dinner. Any moment now and her plan would be coming to fruition and she would prefer to be comfortably settled to enjoy it.

The ladies and Mr Collins had only just crossed the threshold into the sitting room when a loud thump was heard from above them, drawing all of their eyes up to the ceiling. It was not but a few seconds more that there was another resounding bump and a hard succession of rattling. Fanny's satisfaction increased with each audible sign of her husband's mounting frustration.

"What is Papa doing up there?" Lizzy mused, her eyes narrowed at the ceiling as if staring hard enough at it might make it transparent to her.

Kitty and Lydia each snorted a laugh and pried their own gazes away to venture further into the room. As they seated themselves on the same sofa, Lydia tittered, "Perhaps he has misplaced something."

Lizzy looked toward her younger sisters, one of her brows raised in speculation, but did not press for more information. No doubt she preferred to remain in ignorance and, really, she need not know of every little thing done on her behalf. It was better that she focus on more important things, like keeping Mr Darcy's interest and holding strong against her father's persuasions. One hand need not necessarily know what the other was doing in cases like these.

Almost as soon as the women had settled themselves comfortably and Mr Collins had taken up his volume of stuffy sermons, thundering footsteps took up a quick pace above them and then proceeded down the staircase. "Hill! Hill!"

Kitty and Lydia began giggling again while the rest of them stared at the closed sitting room door, waiting to see if it would open and alleviate their curiosity. Fanny sat back in her chair, slyly dipped a hand into her pocket and grasped the key hidden within.

Out in the corridor, they could hear the housekeeper scurry up from the kitchen to respond to her master's summons. "Yessir, what's the matter?"

"Hill, someone has locked up my book room and the key is missing from my chambers. Where is the spare?"

"I dunno, sir, I dinn't think we had one."

"There must be some way to open it!"

While the conversation beyond the door grew more heated between master and servant, the three eldest girls all turned their heads in Kitty and Lydia's direction where the pair of them were bent double in quiet laughter. Lizzy's brow was spiked high again, but her mouth was pulled tight as if she were trying not to smile, Jane seemed fretful as she chewed her bottom lip and Mary rolled her eyes as if disdainful of their amusement. It was clear, however, that each had discerned the specifics of their little joke.

Only Mr Collins remained in absolute ignorance of what was going on around him as he continued to stare at the closed door. With a delicate little cough, Fanny grabbed his attention and, with what she felt was a fairly convincing amount of surprise and chagrin, exclaimed, "Oh, dear! I seem to have accidentally grabbed up Mr Bennet's key when I came downstairs! What a silly sausage I am. Mr Collins, would you be so kind as to take it to him?"

Mr Collins straightened his spine and accepted the task with more pomposity than was really required. "I should be delighted to be of service to my cousin, Madam, and will happily take it to him forthwith if you will excuse me for a few minutes. I shall return as soon as I am able to read to you ladies as I have promised." He presented them all with a deep bow which exposed his bald spot to their scrutiny.

Fanny held out the key for Mr Collins to take as she suggested, "No need to rush back on our account, sir, for I believe we are all destined for bed quite shortly. Right, girls?" There were murmurs of agreement from all parties. Even Mary did not dissent, surprisingly. "You see? We shall be perfectly content with a bit of quiet industry before turning in."

Mr Collins' gaze skittered to Lizzy for a second before returning to Fanny. "Well, I had hoped to spend some time with my fair cousins this evening..."

Fanny delayed her response by covering her mouth with her lacy handkerchief and pretending a yawn. "Excuse me, sir; I really am quite fatigued this evening. Why not offer yourself as an opponent at backgammon to Mr Bennet? I am certain that a bit of masculine company would do him some good, considering how often he is surrounded by females. It would be doing him a great service, I am sure."

"If you are certain..." Mr Collins again looked to Lizzy who was delicately covering her own mouth with the back of her hand and mimicking tiredness. Out in the hallway, two sets of feet were shuffling away to search for the absent key.

"Absolutely certain! Do not feel you need wait upon us, sir; we shall see you at breakfast in the morning." Fanny held the key a little higher to prompt Mr Collins into taking it, which he finally did. She then shooed him away with a few flicks of her handkerchief. "And do tell Mr Bennet that we wish him a good evening."

With another bow, a longing leer at Lizzy and yet another superfluous bow, Mr Collins finally backed out of the room and scurried off down the hall.

"Come, girls, we shall adjourn to my dressing room for the evening. Bring your work with you," Fanny instructed as soon as she was sure that the parson was well out of hearing range. She gathered up her own embroidery and led the way to the door.

As they passed Mr Bennet's study, Fanny could hear her husband attempting to decline Mr Collins' company and smiled with satisfaction. Let him entertain that odious little man if he was so keen to have him about.

o0o

Tete-a-Tete

Saturday
November 9, 1811

Fanny yawned widely as Hill tugged the last curling rag from her hair, essentially completing her morning toilette. She would have much preferred it if Lizzy and Mr Darcy could schedule their rendezvous later in the morning, but Fanny supposed that there was nothing for it; to set off after breakfast would be to risk interference from either Mr Bennet or Mr Collins and it was best to prevent them opportunities from doing so. Fanny was confident that she could outmaneuver either of them, but why not save the effort? Besides, Lizzy had been rising with the sun for ages and there was likely no way to stop her now. If only she could simply leave the lovers to it and return to her bed...alas, Fanny was sometimes required to excuse Lizzy's absence and so she had Hill wake her before the rest of the household.

As the housekeeper left to return to her other duties, a soft rustling from the corridor outside her dressing room grabbed Fanny's attention. As she had expected, it was Lizzy setting off for one of her walks, dressed warmly with her bonnet dangling from one hand by its ribbons. Fanny would have liked her to wear something more flattering and had suggested as much to Lizzy before this, but a reminder of how chill the weather had become lately had put paid to that notion. It would not do for Lizzy to fall ill before the wedding.

"Lizzy," Fanny called out in a stage whisper. Lizzy pivoted slightly and smiled when she saw her mother, something which sent Fanny's maternal heart all aflutter. It had not been so very long ago that she and her second child had only grudgingly tolerated one another's company and it warmed her to think that there was some improvement in their relationship. Honestly, all Fanny had ever desired was to see her girls, all of them, well settled in life and now that Lizzy was on the cusp of marriage to an honorable, wealthy gentleman – assuming her father and that pesky Mr Collins did not ruin everything, of course – she found that the tension between them had lessened dramatically. They were finally in agreement on Lizzy's future and it was such a comfort to them both.

"Good morning, Mama," Lizzy replied, not quite in a whisper but still low in respect for the others who remained abed. She had taken the few short steps between her own chamber and stood at the threshold between the dressing room and the hallway as she addressed Fanny. "I hope you slept well."

"With my nerves it is a wonder I sleep at all!" Fanny complained, mostly out of habit.

Lizzy smiled again, a certain twinkle in her eye hinting at indulgence. "Well, you look as if you have had your beauty rest, even if you are up early."

Fanny flicked her hand at her second eldest as if to shoo away the compliment. "Oh, go on with you...are you off to meet your Mr Darcy?"

Though not generally inclined to bashfulness, Lizzy lowered her head and grinned at her hands which were fiddling with the bonnet's crimson ribbons, sliding the silk back and forth between her fingers. Her cheeks were brightly pink as they had been when just a small babe and Fanny felt another happy little flutter. "Yes, although we have changed our meeting spot since being caught by little Sammy earlier in the week."

"Oh, do not worry yourself over that! It was most helpful to your cause. If anything, you should make a habit of walking around the village doing more of the same."

"Oh, Mama..." And it was back again for a moment, that old exasperation. However, instead of stalking away like she had been inclined to do in the past, Lizzy simply shook her head and changed the subject. It felt like progress to Fanny. "I shall be back in time for breakfast, of course. And I do hope that Kitty and Lydia will not torture Papa and Mr Collins excessively before I return." Lizzy spoke as if scolding, but there was a pert little smile on her lips which told Fanny she was not excessively disapproving.

Fanny sniffed. "Anything they suffer has been brought on by themselves. I do not feel any sympathy for them at all, not a single jot, and neither should you."

A chuckle finally escaped from Lizzy. "As you say, Mama."

"Good morning Cousin Elizabeth, Mrs Bennet. I see that you are both blooming with health and beauty this fine day."

Fanny nearly jumped out of her skin as Mr Collins suddenly made his presence known just out of sight in the hallway; she noted that Lizzy reacted the same. They whipped their heads in the parson's direction to find him a few feet away and smiling at them in that oily, condescending way he liked to employ when speaking to just about everyone, but ladies in particular. There was some obeisance to Mr Bennet as his elder male relation, but the rest of them must endure his patronizing. It was so reminiscent of Mr Bennet that Fanny quite detested the man for it.

"You are up early this morning, Mr Collins," Lizzy commented as he drew closer. In response, Lizzy shuffled further away, her posture tense as if prepared to run at any sudden movements from her cousin.

"Yes, well...I am afraid that I did not sleep particularly well last night." He paused to scratch rather furiously behind his ear. "There seems to be some sort of infestation in my room; I have been nibbled and bitten all night long."

Fanny bristled against the insult implied against her housekeeping. "I can assure you, Mr Collins, that Longbourn is entirely free of pests of every kind! My staff cleans all of our rooms regularly and to my specifications. Perhaps you brought this infestation with you from Kent."

Mr Collins was scratching again, this time against the crown of his head, as his eyes widened. He looked like an ape from a menagerie. "That is impossible! Lady Catherine would never allow fleas free roam in any house under her purview!"

Hmph! As if Lady Catherine could possibly command any insect aside from Mr Collins. "There is no other explanation. Unless, of course, you mean to slight my housekeeping."

"No, no! Of course not, but..."

"Well, I shall send Sarah in to do a thorough cleaning today, at any rate," Fanny said, glancing toward where Elizabeth was still loitering in the corridor. Catching her eye, Fanny inclined her head toward the staircase in a silent bid for her to be gone. Lizzy, clever girl, caught on immediately and bobbed a shallow curtsy before rushing off.

Mr Collins, attracted by her movement, turned and called out to forestall her. "Cousin Elizabeth! Where are you going so early?"

Lizzy paused at the head of the stairs and turned back, her face fixed in a grimace. "I take a walk every morning, sir. I find that the fresh air and exercise is an excellent way to start the day."

"Oh, but you should not walk out alone, Dearest Cousin. Allow me to – "

"Mr Collins," Fanny interrupted quickly, waving at Lizzy behind his back to encourage her to go, "I was wondering if I might have a word with you, while the house is so quiet. Do come in and take some tea with me; I shall ring for it now." So saying, Fanny leaped up and rang the pull cord which would summon a servant.

"Oh, but Miss Elizabeth – "

Lizzy was slowly creeping away down the stairs as Fanny held Mr Collins' attention upon herself. "Oh, Lizzy is always walking about by herself – she does it every morning." Struck by sudden inspiration, Fanny added, "I have quite given up on instilling proper feminine delicacy into that girl. Really, she taxes my nerves something dreadful what with all her gallivanting around the neighborhood! Do you know, she routinely returns home covered head to foot in dirt? And only the Almighty Himself could guess what she gets herself into! It is most vexing for a mother to see her child behaving in such a way."

Mr Collins looked somewhat startled. "Surely not!"

"Surely yes!" cried Fanny with vigor. "Have you not noticed the freckles on her nose? She goes about without a bonnet most days, no matter how often I have told her that she must keep her head covered. My Mary, on the other hand, is as delicate a lady as any man could possibly want. Have you not seen the porcelain quality of her skin?" It was more pale than porcelain, but a little exaggeration never hurt anyone.

Mr Collins' gaze again flicked to where he expected to find Lizzy, but she had successfully made her escape. His brow furrowed in consternation. "Yes, well...Lady Catherine says that daily exercise is most healthful. She thinks – "

"And, naturally, her ladyship is correct," interjected Fanny before Mr Collins could delve too deeply into Lady Catherine's many and various opinions, "but I have always believed that a true lady had better stay at home and attend to her work rather than tromping through the woods. Mary is always at the pianoforte or scribbling out wholesome extracts; do you not find that admirable, Mr Collins?"

"Erm, of course Cousin Mary is to be commended for such ladylike pursuits."

"Yes, indeed! I often tell my other girls that their accomplishments are nothing to hers. She is often requested to play for the neighbors and Mr Stephens has complimented her understanding of scripture frequently." As she spoke, Hill arrived with the tea tray and Mr Collins was forced to step aside to make way for her. Fanny invited him inside to sit in one of the various chairs she had scattered about, utilized most frequently by her daughters when dancing attendance upon her poor nerves.

"Ahem, yes, well…," Mr Collins seemed, for once, to be at a bit of a loss as he lowered himself into a seat. After a few moments of collecting his thoughts, he shifted back to praising Elizabeth and his patroness. "Cousin Elizabeth also plays very well and I am certain would play even better should she dedicate herself to practicing more. Lady Catherine is a great advocate of practicing and has a better natural taste than almost anyone – as does her daughter, the lovely Miss Anne de Bourgh, who would have been a great proficient had she ever learned. And – "

"But Lizzy never sits still long enough to become truly accomplished at anything!" Good Lord, who cared about the talents that a young woman did not possess? Fanny poured for them and Hill left again to return to her chores. "She can play a little, and sing well enough, but she lacks the discipline for more. I am sure that she will be essentially useless at entertaining guests or running the feminine aspects of the household."

"Lady Catherine will happily – "

"And she takes direction so ill!" complained Fanny, now settled into a rhythm. She handed Mr Collins a cup of tea and elaborated, "I tell her many times a day that she must do this, or she should do that, but does she ever listen? No! Now Mary is such a dutiful child that she attends to my every suggestion without complaint – I am sure you must have noticed it since you have been with us. She would make an excellent wife to any gentleman, though I have always pictured her married to a clergyman. She would make an active, pious addition to the household – and happily attend to the needs of her husband's parishioners, as well. Yes, indeed, she is destined to marry a man of the cloth, you mark my words."

Fanny dominated the conversation until their tea was finished and then released Mr Collins to go about his business as he liked; Lizzy would be well away from the house before he so much as descended the stairs. "Thank you for indulging me in this little tete-a-tete, Mr Collins," Fanny said as she guided him out of her dressing room and back out into the hallway. "I shall see you at breakfast."

Mr Collins sputtered something that was vaguely flattering, little though it did to ameliorate the slight he had made against her very comfortable arrangements earlier, and then left her. Good riddance.

On her way toward the staircase herself, Fanny paused a moment and then redirected her steps in the opposite direction toward Mr Collins' temporary quarters. She wished to investigate what sort of "infestation" had beset him in the night and determine what, if anything, need be done to evict the vile creatures from her home.

Upon opening the door, Fanny's eyes scanned the expanse of the room, searching for any sign of insect activity. She would not dare to actually go inside in case Mr Collins was not exaggerating – just the thought of tiny little bugs upon her person caused her skin to crawl as if they had already latched onto her – but she could make an assessment from the entryway. On her second pass, her eyes landed upon Mr Collins' unmade bed and she made a rather startling discovery. There was an old brown blanket laying crumpled up at the end of the mattress which she could faintly smell even from several feet away. Fanny crinkled her nose in disgust at not only the state of the blanket but also Mr Collins' willingness to use it as bedding without complaint.

Well, it was perhaps no wonder that Mr Collins had been beset by fleas all night; that scrap of cloth most likely came from the stables where there were several others just like it used to cover the horses in cold weather. The dogs were known to curl up on them to sleep whenever they were not in use. If fleas were to be found in any corner of Longbourn's estate, it would very likely be where they housed the filthy animals.

Fanny exhaled a harsh sigh of irritation. She would speak to Kitty and Lydia about their means of aggravating Mr Collins and evoke from them a promise not to introduce anything else into the manor house which might prompt an infestation. It was one thing to make the toady little man uncomfortable and itchy, it was quite another to potentially make the rest of them so, as well. She would also have to speak to Hill and the maids about thoroughly cleaning out the guest chamber – bedding, mattress, carpets, Mr Collins' clothes which, really, could use a washing in any case – to prevent the pests from making a more permanent home in there. And she would instruct them to burn that wretched blanket.

o0o

Lizzy Behaving Badly

Sunday
November 10, 1811

"I cannot simply insult someone without provocation, Mama! Especially a lady I have never met."

Fanny expressed her impatience for her second daughter with a loud, raspy huff of air and a dramatically wide arc of her eyes. "And who is Lady Catherine to us, pray, that you should be so concerned with her feelings?"

Lizzy could not be said to be scowling at her mother, not precisely, but her expression was disapproving enough to rankle Fanny. Lizzy and her lofty manners – Fanny blamed her Sister Gardiner for instilling such a superiority in her that Lizzy disdained her mother's perfectly acceptable advice on the premise that it was "not genteel." Well, genteel or not, Fanny knew how to attract a man and she was equally confident that she could drive one away if she put her mind to it. It was a simple matter of knowing what men liked to see and hear and then doing exactly the opposite. Since Mr Collins revered his stuffy patroness as if she were the Almighty Himself, it made perfect sense to attack on that point.

"It is not Lady Catherine's feelings I am concerned for, Mama, but rather the propriety of openly attacking a woman I have never met! It is entirely unacceptable behavior and I will not participate in it." Lizzy stared at her mother with her mouth stretched thin and tight, her shoulders set; entirely implacable. Jane, seated next to her most vexing sister, nodded once in agreement, though she did not meet Fanny's eyes.

They were collected together in the parlor – even Mary, who had attempted to excuse herself to the music room for practice; Fanny had put a stop to it and insisted she remain where she was for the convenience of Mr Collins, which only made Mary sour – and utilizing Mr Collins' temporary absence to convene a war council against him. Mr Bennet would only tolerate Mr Collins as a chess partner for so long before he was again a burden upon the female faction of the household and plans had to be made. But Lizzy was resistant to any suggestion which entailed even the slightest hint of impropriety, frustrating most of Fanny's well intended advice.

Fanny threw her arms up into the air and exclaimed her frustration loudly. What an obstinate, headstrong girl! "Fine! Then when Mr Collins comes down, I hope you are prepared to entertain him for the entire day because we all know that he will not simply desist because you show disinterest. If you do not make any effort to repel him, he will only grow more attached and any hope you have of keeping him at bay will be for naught. But no, you are too proper to do what you must and disgust him – well, have it your own way, then, because I have done."

"Mama..."

A snort and a few giggles drew Fanny's attention to the other side of the parlor where Kitty and Lydia were seated together, their heads bowed in confederation. "And just what is so funny?" Fanny inquired, testily.

Lydia was the one to look up and answer. "Oh Mama, you cannot expect Lizzy to do anything so improper! She is far too dull and boring. I am quite amazed that she has managed to catch herself a man at all, much less two – although I think we can credit Mr Collins' interest to Papa." The last comment set off another round of shrieking laughter from the two youngest girls.

Lizzy was beginning to turn red, though Fanny could not say whether embarrassment or anger was predominant. It was just as likely that one fed the other. "I will not make a spectacle of myself as you do!" Lizzy snapped and her sisters only laughed harder. "You two would do well to behave more as Jane and I do rather than in the wild manner that you are accustomed! It is quite telling that you disdain proper decorum and good sense."

Fanny bristled, though Kitty and Lydia seemed unaffected by this chastisement. "Your sisters' behavior is not the point," Fanny reminded Lizzy, drawing the attention of her second daughter back to herself, "but rather what to do to disgust Mr Collins. You might not wish to lower yourself, Miss Lizzy, but something must be done. Ever since he got that letter from Lady Catherine yesterday, his efforts have been redoubled to attract your attention!"

And Lady Catherine's loathsome interference was yet another reason to blacken the lady. Who was Anne de Bourgh to them, pray, that Lizzy should give way and release Mr Darcy from their so-called engagement? Mr Bennet and Mr Collins had both been unbearably smug about that ridiculous "cradle betrothal" between cousins, but when Lizzy had refused to yield they had grown demanding, which was yet worse. Now Mr Collins was more determined than ever to make Lizzy his bride in deference to his own wishes and, more importantly, Lady Catherine's.

The news of Mr Darcy's supposed betrothal to Miss de Bourgh had nearly sent Fanny over the edge into a full blown attack of the nerves, but Lizzy had soothed her with assurances that Mr Darcy was not in any way attached to his cousin. Quite to the contrary, he had promised her that he was only engaged to their Lizzy and would not be dissuaded from marrying her for his aunt, any number of their combined cousins or even Mr Bennet. Lizzy's confidence in Mr Darcy had calmed her, but there was still Mr Collins' new resolve to deal with and Lizzy was absolutely refusing to counter him the way she should.

Lizzy sighed and her shoulders slouched a little. "I know it is frustrating, Mama, but it is not worth it to behave contrary to my better nature in order to put off Mr Collins. He can make love to me all he wants and I will not be swayed, so there is no point. Further, it is not me that attracts him, but Papa's insistence of a preexisting understanding and Lady Catherine's edicts. I doubt it would matter at all if I said his beloved patroness was a warty toad living in a smelly bog" – Kitty and Lydia's laughter was renewed and so Lizzy had to raise her voice slightly to be heard over them – "because he is absolutely determined to protect Mr Darcy from my 'arts and allurements' for Lady Catherine's sake. Please, Mama, you must see that I am right."

Oh, bother. It made perfect sense. "Well, when you put it like that..."

"Would it please you if I instead showed Mr Collins my hoydenish ways?" Lizzy's eyes were now twinkling with good humor and her lips were twitching as if they itched to smile. "He should, after all, know what sort of girl he would be marrying."

Fanny tittered a little laugh, expelling the last of her nerves. "Indeed, he should! I expect you to walk through every puddle between here and Netherfield, Lizzy, and to not return home until your petticoats are at least six inches deep in mud!"

A wide grin had bloomed across Lizzy's face. "I promise, Mama. I will come home as filthy as if I had paid a call to Lady Catherine in her bog."

They all burst into unladylike laughter and that was how Mr Collins found them a few minutes later. The haughty expression carved into his face proved that they were off to a good start in repelling him.

o0o

Be Our Guest

Monday
November 11, 1811

A loud, wailing screech startled Fanny out of the light doze she had been enjoying in her favorite chair, jolting her upright and stirring her nerves into a right flutter. She blinked around the parlor, looking for the source of the disturbance, but found only Mary sitting by the window with one of her excessively large tomes. Her middle daughter connected their gazes, a silent question inherent in her eyes – What on God's green Earth was that?

Another scream with the pitch and timbre of a howling banshee filled the house and rattled the window panes in their casements. What a horrible, frightening sound!

The second cry spurred Fanny and Mary into motion and they leaped up from their seats and ran for the parlor door, flinging themselves out into the hallway to search further for whatever was the matter. As they pelted from their comfortable sitting room, Fanny's mind whirled with a number of increasingly unlikely scenarios of grotesque horror that may have befallen one of her daughters. Mary was well, obviously, but what of the other girls? Jane had gone upstairs with a sore throat and a headache earlier – oh, if only she had not walked in the garden this morning, if only it had not rained! – had she taken a sharp turn for the worse? Had Lizzy been cornered by the foul Mr Collins and screamed for help? Had either Kitty or Lydia taken a fall? Were they laying on the floor, bleeding their life essence into the carpet?

Fanny and Mary rounded the corner into the front vestibule and one of her fears was proven to be false. There were Kitty and Lydia, standing at the base of the stairs with their arms wrapped around one another as if neither could stand on their own. Fanny took a second look in case this was indicative of some gruesome wound or acute ailment, but no, they were caught up in the wild abandon of irrepressible laughter. "Girls, what has happened? What is the matter?"

Lydia's laughter only increased while Kitty made a vain attempt to speak. "Mr...Mr Collins...Nanny..." She trailed off as her amusement swept her away again and she joined Lydia in leaning against the wall for more support.

Mary glared at her younger sisters and swept past them up the staircase, no doubt determined to discover what was going on with or without Kitty and Lydia's cooperation. Fanny, absolutely dying to know what was going on, followed Mary with quick footsteps.

At the top of the stair, Fanny spotted Lizzy standing just outside Jane's bedchamber, looking as bewildered as any of them, and even Mr Bennet peeking from around the door to his book room with curiosity. Jane was absent, but then she should be resting because of her cold; Lizzy would have already said had Jane been in any danger.

There was yet another yell, a curse and a loud thump from down the hall and all heads turned in that direction to pinpoint the closed door to the guest room where Mr Collins was staying. They all jumped when something collided with the back of it and yet more shouting ensued.

"What in blazes is going on in there?" Mr Bennet asked, stepping fully out into the corridor; his door was left gaping open behind him like a drooping maw. A fitting reflection of the expressions of all the spectators.

Lizzy turned back to both of her parents and shrugged; her ignorance seemed as genuine as Fanny's.

"Out! Get out, foul beast!" was the only squealing warning to be had before Mr Collins' bedchamber door opened with a forceful jerk and something came skittering out that was too small and hairy to be their guest. Fanny jumped back and flattened herself against the wall, pressing Mary behind her upon instinctive reflex, and watched with wide eyes as the creature came toward them. After the first moment of absolute panic – was it a wild animal? Some kind of rabid beast? A demon from the depths of Hell? – Fanny recognized their intruder. It was Nanny, their family goat, and she looked nearly as petrified as any of them.

Fanny jumped and looked away from the misplaced farm animal when another enraged shout alerted her to Mr Collins' emergence from his bedchamber, looking entirely disheveled after his ordeal. His pudgy face was bright red, his jowls were quivering, he was breathing rather hard and his eyes, always small and squinted in the normal course of things, were wide with his pupils contracted to fearful pinpoints. His hair, too, was askew, revealing the bald patch he so inadequately tried to hide by combing over whatever scraggly strands he had remaining to him. In general, he looked like a frightened, sunburned pig. He stood there, panting, as Kitty and Lydia's laughter floated up the staircase.

And so the last piece came together. Fanny pressed her fist to her mouth to hide the smile which was quivering on her lips. A glance in Lizzy's direction showed that she was doing the same and Mary, still flattened against the wall behind her mother's arm, had bitten her lips together with such force that they were turning white.

Even Mr Bennet was amused, though he was not so polite as to attempt to mask it. "I see you have had an unexpected guest."

Nanny bleated and shook behind Mr Bennet, looking round his legs in baleful accusation toward Mr Collins. The parson pointed an equally trembling finger at the goat and bellowed, "That – that thing has destroyed my room! Eaten half of my things! Whoever was responsible for it must be punished!"

Fanny leaned her head slightly to one side to see beyond Mr Collins' hefty frame and into his bedchamber. He did not exaggerate; the room was in absolute disarray with items thrown about, broken pieces of ceramic littering the hardwood and muddy prints – both from human feet and delicate little hooves – smeared across nearly everything. And she had no doubt that it would smell horribly of goat if she were to venture inside. Well, she was going to have to air it out after Mr Collins' visit in any case; he had an odious musk about him that was little better than Nanny's.

Mr Bennet had opened his mouth to respond, but whatever witty retort he had been conjuring up was aborted when Nanny bumped against his leg and distracted him from it. The enterprising little goat had determined the hallway to be an inhospitable environment for her and, with a haughty bleat, scampered through the open door of Mr Bennet's book room. A resounding crash a second later indicated that she had already overturned something or other.

Mr Bennet, his face suddenly infused with greater concern, swirled around and dashed into his sanctuary to rescue whatever Nanny was abusing. Mr Collins, still screaming about retribution against a goat, followed him in and the chaos within increased substantially.

Fanny glanced between Lizzy and Mary and the air seemed to quiver between them for a moment. Then, as one, their laughter burst forth as if a dammed river had been suddenly freed from its blockage. Poor Kitty and Lydia were in for quite a scolding later from their father and cousin, but Mrs Bennet would find some way to reward them. Perhaps the future Mrs Darcy would be feeling generous enough to make a promise or two.

Author's Note: Much like the last time (Chs 10-11), I tallied up all the various suggestions and extracted the most popular themes for use in these drabbles. You might also see some of the suggestions in other chapters (such as the dining room scene in the last) since I couldn't possibly fit all of them into this one. Here, I've used: Interference, Infliction, Redirection, Bad Lizzy and Poor Hospitality with a couple of winks toward Off with His Head (I must say, some of you have a violent streak against Collins/Bennet) and Pranks (I had so much fun divining ways for Kitty and Lydia to "help").

Btw, the "Be Our Guest" debacle involving the goat was directly inspired by an idea from Zenodb. I changed some of the particulars – for instance, only one goat instead of a herd and I couldn't find room for a goat phobia backstory for Mr Bennet – but Zenodb's suggestion was still the source. I hope Zenodb doesn't mind the alterations.

Similarly, Cheesymaus suggested stealing the key to Mr Bennet's study, but instead of locking him in I thought he'd be more annoyed to be locked out. So thank you for the specific prank in "A Key Move," Cheesymaus :)

Other thanks go to…

From FFnet: leilalolalee, Animagus-Steph, Shelby66, smileforsun, Matelia-legwell, Jansfamily4, Zenodb, Colleen S, SunriseImagination, Kiwipride, GracefulKlutz1983, Cornh8r, Jacjac, jane-scarlet, fanofNC, Guest88, Guest with a grudge, Pemsnowy, El3ctre, Legionofthebeast, Migotka21, Happy Lizzy, Windchimed, MissyDy, Nanciellen, ChrisM0519, LoveintheBattleField, Dw.618, gabyhyatt, liysyl, PDS1, Starcrossedloverscm, SayMeow, Javi, .stark, DSLeo as well as various Guest reviewers I wish I could specify by name.

From AHA: lizzybennetfan, Chesymaus, Marsha, Joyfylgrl, Talktidy, Gwyngate, JamesNeal and MariaHope.

From D&L: Glynis, Iskustva, Amy Z,Nerianne, Nancy, Trish1006 and ArkansasAustenFan.

I appreciate all of your contributions, even those I ultimately couldn't use. They were fun to read, if nothing else, and helped me immensely with torturing Papa Bennet and Mr Collins.

This chapter is mostly humorous filler with only a touch of plot development, but I hope you've enjoyed it. I know I did. Just remember that Mr Collins doesn't find out about Darcy's connection to Lacy Catherine until the afternoon of November 9th and that the first drabble begins on the 7th; that should eliminate any confusion. We get back to the story at large next time.

I hate to add more to this already extremely long author's note, but I've been getting more reviews complaining about the length of this story and I feel like I need to address them. I appreciate honest criticism, and I absolutely hate to be rude, but I think we've beaten THAT dead horse quite enough; I've already said that I'm going to continue on with the plot as planned and I'm sticking to that. I'm not making this up as I go, I have a very specific direction I'm going and I can't change it now without ruining the whole project. I'm sorry if you feel like it's dragging, it's a fair point, but I can't just pull the plug as it currently is or I'll get the opposite complaint of ending it abruptly. Also, please bear in mind that I'm the only one who really knows what's coming up next and you might be surprised with what I'm going to do.

Next Update: June 19, 2020 (FRIDAY)
Expected Completion: July 31, 2020

- MrsMarySmythe