20: Half a holler
The night with Maggie was mostly fine. Really. Like really, it was fine.
She's still witty and charming, that disarming dimpled smile setting you at ease far more quickly than you thought it would. She doesn't ask how you've been, doesn't ask about your sister, doesn't ask anything that brings to the fore the fact that you had disappeared from her life approximately two years ago when her engagement with your sister had fallen through.
And it's fine. Really. Really.
Nia is an absolute riot, monopolizing the conversation and trying more than her fair share of cocktails declaring each one her new favorite. And Maggie is nice, welcoming, curious and just so genuinely interested.
It's what sets you on edge, the fact that it's so normal, so easy and natural.
And while you hadn't really thought about it in the past, because of course your sister was your main priority, Lena's right in her reminder of what Maggie had gone through as a child, of the loss of her family due to her sexuality. And of course you had had every intention of making her feel as loved and valued and needed and wanted in your own family. You saw, you felt, and you knew how Alex loved her and frankly, you'd also seen, felt and knew how Maggie loved Alex. And it was going to be fine. You were all going to become family, all of you. Until it wasn't. Until you weren't.
And sitting a mere body away from Maggie, watching that smile that you know used to make your sister's heart race, that genuine, bubbly, light laughter that's impossible not to get caught up in, you're finally awash with new throbbing guilt and regret that you hadn't done more, that you hadn't tried at all to at least maintain a friendship with her.
She hugs you tightly that night, her laughter still ringing in your ears, her eyes warm, smile happy. "Congratulations on getting the girl, Little Danvers. Don't be a stranger." She whispers right before she lets you go and with one last wave crosses the street to where her motorcycle is parked.
You take Nia home to yours, Lena tucks her in on the couch after making her down pills and enough water to make her bladder wake her up in 30 minutes, and you sigh into Lena in the quiet.
"For a while there I thought she didn't remember Alex existed." You mumble against Lena, your heart feeling as though it's swelling, swelling, swelling, empty and tight and painfully bursting all at the same time.
Lena kisses your temple, arms wrapped tightly around you, but doesn't say a word. Her heart is beating hard, thrumming in your ears.
"I'd forgotten what she was like." You confess quietly, your hold on Lena tightening. "Alex's heart used to beat so loudly when she was around. It used to race, and flutter and just thump like there was no tomorrow."
Lena is still silent, holding onto you as tightly as you're holding on to her.
"She doesn't feel like that with Kelly, does she? Her heart just doesn't do that. You're doing this for Alex. I know you are." You breathe in deeply. "What're you doing, Lena?"
Rao. You feel like crying. You don't know why you feel like crying.
"I love you." You tell her, your heart just aching and aching and aching. "I'll always choose you." You tell her. "You're my only choice."
Lena brushes your tears away, and you wipe hers, looking into her eyes and continue, "I'm never going to choose to be without you. Please don't ever ask me to let you go."
"Never." She finally says, her voice rough, and more of her tears fall.
Maggie calls you not a week later and asks to meet. You're harried- you've got a deadline, you're helping J'onn on a case, you've cancelled twice on sparring with your sister in just the past week, William thinks he's on to something with Lex's last trip to Metropolis and wants to go through CCTV footage with you, and you, you're just trying to get through the week so you can have a peaceful weekend in with Lena- so you don't think to ask Maggie what you're meeting up for, minutely glad to hear from her again so soon, but mostly just preoccupied with everything else you're doing.
The Maggie that meets you is unlike the Maggie of the night just a few days ago. She's nervous, her anxiety clearly rolling out in waves and her eyes have an unfamiliar tinge of terror.
"Mags?" It's an overly familiar nickname, one you think you don't deserve to use after all that's transpired but it falls unbidden anyway because Rao, she was almost your sister.
But she doesn't seem to begrudge it at all, if her demeanor is anything at all to go by, it seems to be the very thing she needs to hear, and you see her deflate visibly and calm.
"I have memories that don't make sense, Kara." She begins seriously. "Lena getting attacked, Lena almost getting killed. Arresting Lena. Why would I have arrested Lena? I remember doing it but I don't remember why. It's not in the records but it's in my mind. It's clear. It's so vivid and real and I remember exactly how angry you were at me. I remember the exact expression on your face."
You're startled at what she says. You hadn't had a chance to think about what she might have wanted to say, but if you had, your first and best guess would have been that she would want to talk about your sister, not Lena.
"I thought that's why she'd come. I thought she was going to tell me and make everything make sense. But she didn't. She didn't say anything. She still hasn't said anything about it and I've got this horrible feeling something terrible is going to happen. And everything that doesn't make sense revolves around her, like I keep trying to peel away at those layers and I just keep peeling and peeling but I can't ever get inside. It's like I'm inside a forest of smoke and I just can't see anything. It's just memories upon memories that don't make sense."
She gets up from her seat on the park bench you've met at, just a few hundred meters away from her precinct, and she paces, fingers pushing her hair back. You watch, unsure of what to say and she continues after a moment. "There's something wrong. There's danger, I can feel it and Lena's right in the middle of it. It's coming soon. I think it's coming soon."
"It's not Lena." You say firmly, weighing your words carefully. "It's Lex Luthor."
Maggie's face is blank, not even a slight flicker of recognition for Lex's name and your heart thuds loudly in your chest as you grapple with how much to say, how much to reveal, how much of her reality to shatter.
"I don't understand, Kara." She replies steadily. "What does her brother have to do with anything?"
"Just..." You trail off closing your eyes for a moment as you try and get your thoughts in order. "I know how important the truth is to you Maggie, but maybe this isn't the right time."
"Lena's a friend, Kara." She tells you firmly. "And you are too. I know it wasn't always like that, and it hasn't seen for a while. But she is. You are. And what happened with Alex... It's not easy knowing what to do, how to act after something like that. And I'm sorry it took me so long to just woman up, and even then only because Lena had reached out first. But she's my friend, Kara. If she's in danger I can help. If it's her brother it doesn't matter. I don't care if he's rich, if people worship the ground he walks on. If Lena's in danger and it's him I'll help take him down."
Her earnestness makes your own heart swell with anxiety and a very familiar fear. You're aching to fly to Lena, to pull her into you and just make sure she's fine and safe and whole. It turns into bubbling, dark panic and only Maggie's genuine confusion and sincere desire to help keeps you in place.
"I know she's safe with you, Supergirl." She continues, barely above a whisper, her eyes pleading with you. "But I can help. I just want to keep her safe."
"She's okay, Mags." You tell her softly, letting the loyalty and love Lena inspires in people soothe your soul a little. "It's really complicated... Like reality changing complicated. And it's not my place to talk about it now." But whose is it really? Who gets to decide whose reality is shattered, who carries the burden of the past reality into this new one? "But she's fine. I've got her, Maggie. I won't let anything happen to her."
Maggie is quiet, her brows still furrowed in worry but she gives you a small nod.
"Alex," She finally says, and Rao, her voice breaks at your sister's name. "Tell me she's okay. Tell me she's happy."
You want to tell her yes, tell her your sister is okay and happy, not only because it's what you so fervently want for your sister, but because you see in Maggie's eyes how she desperately wants to hear it, needs to hear it, that Alex is well and happy. In that moment you see how she loves your sister still, in that moment you don't think about how Maggie had broken your sister's heart by not wanting something that was a non-negotiable in your sister's life. In that moment you don't begrudge her the pain and heatbreak she had caused your sister because you see hers reflected in her eyes, intense, blatant and flaming. And still, her concern is your sister. Her concern is Alex, as though they hadn't been broken and apart for two long years. And it hurts. It hurts to see again how deeply she loves Alex.
So you want to lie to her, really you do. Because Alex has Kelly. And Kelly is nice and kind and wonderful. But you can't. So you swallow the lump in your throat, bury the aching swell of your heart, and say, "I don't think she is."
You do go straight to Lena when you and Maggie part. She's waiting for you on the balcony of her office, likely having gotten your message asking to meet her there, and she pulls you into her arms and you allow yourself to fall apart just a little.
She holds you, and soothes you, whispering her love for you, whispering the present, the future and every day in between now and forever. You let her love wash over you, let it envelope and temper the pain of loss in your heart. You stay there, safe in her arms, safe in her love, until your world calms with the pinks and oranges of the setting sun.
A/N: Quick chapter update to celebrate over 50k written and almost ready for uploading for this story. Every bit means we're able to get further along in this journey. And also to celebrate the lovely people who've helped me face and deal with the reality of what I've created.
Steelwing, Thank you! You've brought to my attention exactly what I hadn't quite realized I've been doing from the very beginning, but you're right. There's internal consistency, despite the lack of the external. And thanks for the vote for Sanvers, it helps in my trying to figure out what to do and how far to take it.
Jen, thank you! I'm glad you're safe and still reading!
Chesh, Can I call you Chesh? Haha, I've just had an absolute blast imagining everything you just said. Like for real. T-O-T-A-L B-L-A-S-T. You should totally write that, I know you can! Unfortunately, it's not something I can insert as of just yet, and not in the same manner. I have no problems with any of your ideas, I swear, it's lovely and it makes me smile just thinking about it and imagining it. But there's a number of things not that's in line with this particular story at all and it's kind of an internal consistency thing behind the scenes. In my headcanon and in an unwritten list making up the rules and characteristics of people in THIS STORY, i.e. things I decided early on I wasn't going to do for this story even though they are lovely lovely ideas by other fanfiction writers: 1. Lena does not foot the bill for anything, obviously not because she can't or doesn't want to, but because she doesn't HAVE to, - seen in the story as they actually stay in Kara's apartment NOT her own. The lunch with Alex was a one-off or well, a two-off with her hosting a little dinner party instead of game night on her rooftop garden, but that's cos she was hosting. 2. There's also no mention of Kara's crazy appetite because it's in every other story already, and I love that and it's super cute but it's not a factor in this story at all mostly because from what I've seen and remember of the show, she only seems to eat enough for maybe 2 people though it's sometimes referred to and marginally mentioned, 3. I havent 100% decided yet but I don't think I'm keeping Kelly and Alex together.
I'm sure there's a couple more but those are the ones that are in line with what you mentioned.
I love that you're from California and know what's up with the weather and the meteor shower – can I use this bit? Plus the camping? I'm not exactly sure where and when yet but it's a really lovely image.
I have actually not thought much about Andrea but because you mentioned her, I'll re-watch her scenes again and see where I can better bring her in.
Unfortunately, I've already written the Thanksgiving chapter and it's not at all happy or light. So to all the readers expecting that, please please don't. I promise the chapter after it should make up for it though.