Jay's POV
The news of the fire hit me like an eighteen wheeler barreling down the highway. I felt as if I was moving through someone else's movie. Everything felt surreal, in slow motion. I became disoriented, and the whole sequence of events that followed had a dream-like quality – an unreality of some sorts. I remember the pain – this inexplicable, never-ending feeling of despair that kept growing bigger and bigger inside my chest, making it hard to breathe. I kept thinking, this isn't happening. It's just a nightmare. Wake up, Jay. Wake up! But it wasn't a nightmare and I couldn't get away.
When we arrived on scene, the house was almost completely engulfed in flames. I remember the electrical wires in front of the house started arcing, the transformers exploded, and sparks flew everywhere. We quickly learned that Olive and Danny were taken to Med, but that Hailey was still inside. I tried to push my way through, but was forcibly held back.
Then, I saw her being extricated from a second floor window. I saw her long blonde hair billowing in the wind, her limbs hanging loosely, her pregnant belly pocking from underneath her shirt. My heart stopped, the blood was gone from my face and neck. I couldn't breathe or move. My body went rigid as I watched the firefighters hoist her lifeless body down.
I have never prayed so hard in my life. But I stood there bargaining with God – please let her live, let them live. Take me. Not them. The pain and grief made the tears involuntary.
Once they had her on a stretcher, I pushed my way to her. She didn't respond to my voice, I called her name, squeezed her arm, but she was unresponsive. She wasn't breathing. The paramedics started doing CPR. They hooked up the EKG and we watched in absolute horror as the peaks on the heart monitor dropped off, disappearing entirely.
"She's flat-lining!"
A couple of jolts with the defibrillator didn't change a thing. That was when I began to sob. I couldn't hold it in. My chest hurt so badly, it was as if someone, or something, had hold of my heart, and was squeezing it, squeezing the blood and life out of it. I began to choke, "Oh God, this can't be happening. Oh God, please no!"
"Clear!" the paramedic shouted again.
They stepped back, their gloved hands suspended in the air. Another jolt and Hailey's body jerked, then collapsed on the gurney. On the monitor, nothing. The alarms wailed maddeningly. My face felt hot. My heart pounded violently.
"Clear," the paramedic shouted again.
"Wait!" the second paramedic held up a hand. Her focus on the monitor. The welcome beep…beep started. "We have a pulse. Let's get her to Med!"
There were audible sighs of relief. "T-The baby…I-Is the baby okay?" I manage to blurt out.
"We don't know. We need to get her to Med."
I rode with Hailey in the ambulance, clutching her hand in mine. I leaned down and kissed her face, cheeks, eyes, forehead, lips. Light kisses, interspersed with Please, Hailey. Come back to me. Please. You have to come back. I kept my other hand over her belly, over our son, and just cried. Tears of shock. Tears of pain, tears of grief and anger and disbelief that this was happening.
When we arrived at Med, they rushed her inside and that was when I saw the large crimson stain spreading down between her legs. Suddenly drained from all strength, I fell to my knees, feeling as lifeless as the cold tile floor beneath me. I was skin and bones and brain and blood vessels making attempts at movement. Lips in slow motion on a frozen face with unfamiliar arms and legs, a mind repeating over and over, this isn't happening. This can't be happening.
That was three hours ago…
I'm currently sitting in the waiting room in a numb state of utter shock. Honestly, I feel that hearing that I have less than an hour to live on Earth would not have been as awful as the pain I feel now. I'm literally sick to my stomach and my body is shaking uncontrollably. My mind, heart, and soul is in shambles. I'm severely grief-stricken and fatally broken. Hailey is my whole life.
"They'll pull through," I hear Erin say. She's the only one here, the entire CPD is out looking for the bastard. The whole city is in lockdown.
"Why are you here?" I ask angrily, though I don't mean to. Misplaced as it is, I am angry at her. "Hailey and I had our first real argument today because of you."
"What? I-I-don't—" she stumbles.
"Why did you tell her I was going to propose to you?" I ask, unable to keep the edge out of my voice.
"It was just an offhand comment. I was just joking about how she bit the bullet carrying your kid and how it could've been me."
I shake my head. "Can't you can see how a comment like that might affect a seven-month pregnant Hailey?"
"I-I'm sorry, it was not my intention. I-It was a joke, a really bad one."
I sigh and bury my face in my hands, trying to breathe around the elephant that is settled on my chest. "I can't believe our last conversation was a stupid argument."
"Hey, hey…" Erin says, placing a careful hand on my shoulder. "That was not your last conversation or your last argument. Hailey's strong. She'll pull through."
I shake my head, letting the tears fall. "I don't know what I'm going to do if Hailey…or if the baby…" I let my voice trail off. I can't bear to finish the sentence or even the thought.
"That's not going to happen. They are in really good hands."
Outside the sky is ominously dark and it is beginning to rain. I watch everyone around me look so normal, so unaffected. Don't they know what is going on? How can they go about their business knowing Hailey, my Hailey, is now fighting for her life? Why is everyone behaving as if nothing happened? I feel myself spiraling and, if previous experience is anything to go by, I won't stop until I hit rock bottom.
I don't know how long we sit here before Will finally enters the waiting room. I hurry to meet him, heart hammering in my chest.
"How's Hailey? The baby?" I ask, desperate.
"Hailey's stable. She's got a bad case of smoke inhalation, but her lungs are doing okay and she is breathing on her own. She has second degree burns over 15% of her body, but nothing critical."
I swallow the painful lump in my throat and manage to ask, "The baby?"
Hailey's POV
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
My eyes refuse to open, as though they've been taped shut. My hearing is all fuzzy, like I'm wearing earplugs. The mumbles float through my consciousness, but it's like I'm underwater. I can't focus, I can't place the voices.
How is she?
No change.
Oh, that's Jay. Definitely. I'd know his voice anywhere. It's probably time for me to get up. I'd kill for a hug from him right now. I miss him so much – I feel like I haven't seen him in ages. Why is that? I'm so tired. Maybe I can snooze for a few more minutes, then I'll get up and get dressed. The baby probably kept me up all night if I'm dragging so much this morning. Though, I can remember. Anyways, I'll just sleep a little longer.
x
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
Jay, go home, shower, maybe nap? I can sit here. I won't leave, I promise.
Is that Kim? Why is Kim here?
No, I'm not going anywhere.
You need to rest. You can't keep sleeping in a chair. It's been three days.
I can't leave. What if she wakes up? I need to be here.
Their words filter through my mind. I feel like I'm forgetting something. I try to speak, but my mouth won't make words. My throat feels dry. I want to reach out, touch him, but my arms feel so unbelievably heavy. Jay takes my hand in his, his lips softly kissing the back of my hand. I try to squeeze his fingers, but only my pinky works.
"Hailey? Oh my God! I'm here. I'm right here, Babe."
I hear Jay's voice catch in his throat. Why does he sound so worried? I work hard to slip my eyes open, slowly, and it takes me a while to focus. The room is dark, but two silhouettes stand by my bed. One is definitely Jay. But this is definitely not our bedroom.
"Oh, Hey…" He continues kissing the back on my hand. "I'm here. Not going anywhere."
I'm still so tired. My eyes are droopy and I feel so heavy. I'll just nap a little longer. If only that beeping would stop. Did someone leave the freezer open or something? Is the garbage truck forever backing up in the alley? When I wake up again, I'll make fun of Jay for being a so worried about me all the time. Then, I'll kiss him, because I miss him.
x
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
I wake up again. Still so very tired.
Updates on the case?
No, not yet. He is still in the wind.
How's Olive and Danny?
They arrived back in Arizona today. Happy to be back home.
The house?
Gone.
This conversation has my pulse skittering. I focus on my breathing, slowing it down.
They found an explosive device similar to the one from the VA shelter by the backdoor. Good thing They were upstairs; they wouldn't have survived the blast.
My heart races in my chest and threatens to explode free. The more they talk, the more I remember. There was a fire. Was I hurt? A sudden tornado of images and memories fly through my head, seizing my heart in its wake. Oh, God, the fire! Panic sets in. I try to move my hands to my belly, but a pinch of pain stops me. My baby! I try to feel where the throbbing is coming from but I actually can't pick a place that doesn't hurt. A raspy vibration moves up my throat and out of my mouth, "Rrrr-Hhhh…"
Hey, hey she's walking up.
Should I get a nurse?
I slowly pry my eyes open and they waver, opening and closing in an attempt to adjust to the light. Jay's face slowly comes into focus, automatically putting my heart on alert when I see tears welled up in his eyes.
"Hey you..."
My emotions bubble to the surface. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. Tears blur my vision, sharp and stinging, my breath coming in short rapid sounds, keeping time with my heartbeat.
"M-uh B-bb-ee," I choke out, but it's clear by the expression on Jay's face that he didn't understand me.
"Let me get a nurse." I hear Voight's gravelly voice reverberate from somewhere in the room.
"Hey, Hey. Shhh, it's okay. Hailey, it's okay. You re okay." Jay is leaning over me and I'm engulfed in his scent.
"O-r ss-n. O-r s-oh-n." I can hear myself make sounds, but it doesn't sound like me. It sounds like I ate gravel. My throat burns. I try to lift my hand to place on my belly again, but can't. No matter what I try, I cannot summon enough energy to move a single muscle in my body. It is as if I'm welded down on this freaking bed.
"Our son?" Jay repeats, finally understanding my incoherent mumblings. "He is good, Hailey…" Jay says and moves my hand over my stomach, placing his own over mine – I feel my taut skin beneath my fingers. Jay taps and pushes gently against my belly, and immediately I feel movement. Tears of relief fill my eyes and spill down my cheeks. My body shakes with sobs. "Hh-e oh-k?"
"Yes." Jay's expression gives way to a huge smile. "He's been very active and showing off to the ultrasound techs. Little flirt." Jay leans down, kisses my hair, my lips, and I let more tears fall. "He's good. Everyone's good."
The nurse comes in, and I blink my eyes several times, still trying to adjust. She patiently checks me over, while noting on the chart. "Can you tell me how you feel?"
I think about the question for a moment. My mind is still foggy, my throat burns, I feel throbbing pain everywhere, and most importantly, I can't seem to be able to move my limbs. "I c-n't..." I say and my voice garbles. "Mm-ve."
"Can't move? That's because you're weaning you off some strong sedatives. We've been slowly scaling it back, trying to get you to wake up while still managing your pain. You should be able to move about soon enough." She fiddles with the IV drip. "How's the pain, hon?" she asks. "On a scale of 1-10."
"Eig-t," I answer.
"Okay, I will let your doctor know and I'll have her come in and talk specifics with you." The nurse messes with a few more things beside the bed then leaves.
Jay takes my limp hand in his again, kissing it. I notice the dark half-moons under his eyes. He looks tired, and boyish. His uncombed hair is standing up in a hundred different directions. However, he is smiling so big I think his face will split in two. "Missed you," he whispers, brushing the hair from my face. "So much."
"How lo-g I be-n out?" I say, but my voice is a useless rasp.
"Today is the fourth day," he says.
I take a big breath and pain vibrates down my throat. "Whu-t sp-cifics the nurs- talk-ng aboh-t?" I manage to ask.
"Well," Jay pauses, his smile fades, and his eyes droop a little at the corners. "Your placenta has partially detached from the wall of your uterus." My eyes widen, but Jay is quick to explain, "But it's mild. Bed rest should keep you and the baby safe." Jay places his hand on my stomach – his eyes as firmly fastened on me as his hand is. "I know this is scary. But it's going to be okay."
My mouth opens to speak, but nothing comes out. This is all too overwhelming. I can't catch my breath. I feel like I'm suffocating, like I'm trying to draw in air through the tiniest of straws. I hear the beep, beep, beep of my heart monitor pick up the pace.
Jay immediately sees me spiraling. "Hey, hey, Hailey. Take a deep breath. Babe, look at me," his eyes hold mine as he says, firmly, "Everything will be okay. They have the best team looking out for you. This is just a small bump in the road."
Jay wraps his arms around me and I force myself to concentrate on the feel of the air filling my lungs. I exhale. Breathe deeply again. Four out. Six in. Six out. Whatever the nurse gave me, finally kicks in and I feel every muscle and nerve in my entire body relax, my entire body heavy and drowsy. Jay kisses my lips once more, and I close my eyes, my mind drifting to a welcome nothingness.
x
I continue a pattern of waking up for brief intervals for the next few days – more like a series of naps than the semi-coma I was in before. I'm more alert now, feeling more. The second degree burns on my arms and legs throb and my throat is still raw and sore.
Jay is sleeping by my legs now, I can feel him, I can hear him snore. I remain very still. I don't want to wake him. The guy hasn't left my side, which makes it impossible not to forgive him for neglecting to tell me he was going to propose to Erin. I know he's putting up a brave front for me, but deep down he is worried the abruption will worsen and I will have to deliver early. This fear tick tock between my ears day and night too.
I shift slightly in bed and Jay stirs awake.
"Hey," he says sleepily. "You feeling okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. It's still dark out. Go back to sleep."
"No, no. I'm up," he says groggily, and rubs his hands over his face back and forth, trying to wake himself up. "What's on your mind?"
I reach out and run my fingers over the week-old stubble on his face. I'm good, seriously. Go back to sleep."
He nods, "If you say so," then lowers his head back down on the bed.
I try to go back to sleep, but I can't. I close my eyes for a while, but it is no use. I force myself to take a few deep breaths. I tell myself over and over it will all be okay – I'll be fine the baby will be fine. I know it. He has to be okay.
Jay's POV
I'm on my way to grab a cup of coffee in the cafeteria when I bump into Erin.
"Hey," she says. "How's Hailey?"
"Good. Stable for now."
"The baby?"
"He is doing good too. The doctors are giving Hailey these steroid injections to mature his lungs in case the placenta detaches more and she has to deliver early," I say, not wanting to delve into more details because it makes it more real. "What brings you here? Any new developments on the case?"
"Yes, actually. We think we have him in custody."
"Really?"
"Yeah, and Hank said Hailey got a good look at him. I want to see if she can pick him out of a line up."
"Where are you holding him?" I ask, trying to seem indifferent, though my pulse is racing.
She shakes her head. "Not a chance."
"Oh, c'mon. I promise I won't hurt him too badly."
She chuckles. "Yeah I bet. So, do you think she's up to looking at a few pictures?"
"I'm sure she is, but her mom is in there now," I motion with my head toward the room. "I am going to the cafeteria to grab a coffee, want to join?"
"Sure."
We walk to the cafeteria and pour ourselves a cup of coffee. We take an empty table in the corner and chat a bit about the case. It's weird staying out of the loop, but I know everyone has been working tirelessly to nail this prick.
"So how are you doing with all of this?" she asks.
"Not great," I tell her honestly. "I don't think my brain has processed any of it. Feel like I dreamed everything."
"Sounds about right," she says. "But you seem to be handling it well."
"Thanks." I feel sort of bad about how I reacted the last time we spoke. I shouldn't have taken my anger out on her. I was spiraling and completely out of line. She didn't deserve it. "Hey, um," I begin. "I'm sorry about my outburst in the waiting room. I wasn't thinking straight and I let my anger get the best of me. You were there for and you didn't deserve to be on the receiving end of all that. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. You had every right to be upset with me."
"No," I shake my head. "I was –"
"—Listen, I shouldn't have said anything to Hailey. It's just…" Erin hesitates, shakes her head. "All I had was Bunny growing up, so I always imagined having a real family someday. I hadn't thought about that until I saw you and Hailey together," she pauses. "So when you told me you were going to propose, but didn't..." she looks down and says quietly, "I felt sort of robbed of my happily ever after, you know? I was a little Jealous of Hailey."
Her words stun me. I stare at her, speechless.
Erin looks at me and shrugs. "You were the one guy I could see myself settling down with."
"I, uh…" My mind is still reeling from the impact of her admission. "I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything." Erin takes a sip of her coffee and gives me a smile, though her dimples are faint, and it doesn't come close to reaching her eyes. "Your anger was warranted. I'm the only who should be apologizing. I'm sorry. I can talk to Hailey, if you want."
"No," I shake my head, and give her a slight smile, not sure how to respond, but hoping the right words will come out. "It's all good. Hailey and I are good."
Leaning back, Erin sighs heavily and says, "Are we good?"
"Of course," I reply. "And that family you've imagined? You'll have it someday. I'm sure of it."
"Life isn't a fairytale, Jay."
"It can be," I tell her. "Maybe you'll just have to let yourself be saved for once."
I take another sip of my coffee as Erin keeps her grin hidden behind her cup. Erin deserves her happily ever after. I hope one day she'll be able to experience what I have with Hailey, and when she does, I will be there to cheer her on.
"Should we go up?" she asks.
"Yeah, let's go."
Thank you for reading. Tried to get this out as fast as my fingers could type. It was a heavy chapter, but wanted to end on a lighter note here. Thanks for all your reviews. Hope everyone is healthy and well. Cheers, D.