tw - suicide attempt

Emma was exhausted, and she felt herself slipping in a way that she wasn't expecting. One of the side effects of being on Dreamless Sleep meant that after a while, she was perpetually groggy. Being so tired had left her grumpy, lashing out at everyone, and then immediately apologizing. She really did feel bad after, but she was starting to struggle without the potion. It had only been two weeks since she had started taking it, and she was nearly half-way through the stash that Remus had given her.

She was certain that Pomfrey suspected something, but she was glad that the matron made no mention of it. Letters from Remus didn't mention anything out of the ordinary. Emma was sure that if he knew he would have been at the castle in an attempt to get her to stop.

Early on in May, the castle was abuzz as there was a fourth, unexplained attack leaving students petrified. It made Emma nauseous that one of the students was Hermione. Even though they weren't close, Hermione was the first magical friend she had made at Hogwarts. She was one of the last people she would've wanted to be petrified. Jocelyn, on the other hand, could be petrified a million times, and Emma would never care.

To everyone's surprise and confusion, Dumbledore left the school, and Hagrid was hauled off to Azkaban. The rumors that flew around the school were enough to give Emma a headache.

"I knew it was Hagrid the whole time!" Ernie said loudly in the common room to anyone who would listen.

But Emma didn't think it could have been Hagrid either. She knew that Hermione and the others were friends with Hagrid – he would never do anything to hurt them.

The Monday after Hermione was petrified, Emma stepped cautiously into the Hospital Wing. She had hoped no one would be around, but Harry and Ron were sitting next to Hermione's bed. She held onto the card between her hands tightly and slowly walked over to where the boys were.

"Hi," she said quietly.

"'Lo," Harry said with a sad smile.

"I'm sorry about Hermione," Emma said, ignoring the scathing look she was getting from Ron.

"I just wish I knew what happened," Harry muttered, looking back at Hermione. "I don't understand what's been happening at all this year."

"That makes two of us…"

"What are you doing here?"

Emma looked over at Ron, surprised that he had spoken to her at all. "Excuse me?"

Harry looked at Ron in surprise, his face flushing in embarrassment. "Ron, shut it!"

"No, Harry – what is she doing here?"

"I – I'm Hermione's friend…"

"Are you really? Then where have you been?"

"I've been busy this weekend," Emma said defensively. "I've had a lot to catch up on."

"Ron," Harry hissed, dropping his voice lower. "Her mum just died."

"So?" Ron practically shouted. "If she was Hermione's friend, she would have been here earlier! Really, she would have been talking to Hermione more this year. Have you seen her say a single word to her?"

Emma shot Ron a look and walked around him, placing her card for Hermione on the nightstand.

"Oh, Miss Lupin!" Pomfrey said, popping out of her office to see who had entered the Hospital Wing. "I was wondering if you were going to stop by today."

Ron shot Emma a weird look, and Emma flushed, turning to Pomfrey. "Er, hi," Emma said. "I actually came to see Hermione." She gestured awkwardly to Hermione and stepped away from the bed, trying to ignore the looks from Harry and Ron.

Madame Pomfrey nodded, inspecting Emma for a moment. "Did you need anything from me?"

"I think I'll take, er…my medication for tonight," Emma said, casting a sidelong glance at Harry and Ron, who kept staring.

"Of course," Pomfrey said politely, motioning for Emma to follow her towards the back of the wing. When they arrived at the potion's cabinet, Pomfrey turned around to inspect Emma. "Miss Lupin, may I ask you something?"

"Yes?" Emma asked innocently, not liking the way Pomfrey was looking at her.

"Have you been getting Dreamless Sleep from someone else?" Pomfrey asked bluntly, nearly making Emma fall on the floor. She desperately hoped that she had started to pick up on Remus's ability to remain impassive because she needed it.

"No," Emma lied, shaking her head. "Dad told me to come to you for it if I needed it." She smiled brightly, but Pomfrey's expression was still skeptical.

"Would you still tell me the same thing if I were to write to him and ask? He didn't send the potion back with you before you returned to school?"

"Of course," Emma said, still smiling. "He wouldn't let me bring any. He gave me very clear instructions to come to you."

Pomfrey surveyed Emma for another moment before opening the medicine cabinet, pulling a vial out, but not giving it to her. "Maybe I should just run some tests, first. The coloring around your eyes…"

"No, it's not necessary," Emma answered, forcing her eyes to fill with tears. "It's just been really hard for me lately. I've been crying a lot."

There was a moment where Emma was ready to panic, holding her breath as she waited to see what Pomfrey would do. Eventually, Pomfrey held the vial out for her to take. "Remember, two more times this week, Lupin," Pomfrey said, turning to close the cabinet.

"Yes, I know," Emma said. "Thank you."

The week before exams were set to begin left Emma in a frenzy. She had gone through her entire stash of Dreamless Sleep from Remus, and it made her anxious. After having to go to Pomfrey two days in a row, she knew that the matron wasn't likely to give her anything else.

By dinner, Emma's anxiety had nearly reached an all-time high. Persephone had been watching her, nervous over how much fidgeting Emma was doing.

"All right, get up," Persephone said, pulling her things together and grabbing Emma's hand.

"What are you doing?" Emma asked with a whine. She didn't want to move, she just wanted to stay. Even though the noisiness of the Great Hall was bothering her, it gave her a distraction.

"Trying to get you to breathe. You're going to saw the bloody bench in half with how much foot-tapping you're doing," Persephone said, dragging Emma out.

Persephone sat Emma down on one of the benches and stood in front of her, arms crossed over her chest. "What's going on?"

"Nothing is going on," Emma muttered.

"Have you been cutting again?"

Emma looked up at Persephone guiltily. "No," she said and let out a groan. "Not as much."

"Emma! I thought you were going to stop," Persephone said, disappointed.

"I know, but it's been hard," Emma mumbled. "I stopped for a few weeks, and then I just…I had to."

"Do I need to write to Re and have him come here to see you?"

"No!" Emma said quickly. "No, no. I just – Effie, I need time. I'm ready for the school year to be over."

"I know," Persephone said. "It hasn't been a good one for you, has it?"

"No, it hasn't," Emma said, anxiously rubbing at her wrists. She stood up with a heavy sigh. "I didn't think that this was how this year was going to go."

"Well, at least you and Re figured out that it's okay to be a family," Persephone smiled. "It's not going to be easy, but you two have each other, and that's important."

"Oh, look," Jocelyn shouted from across the entrance hall, breaking up the moment Emma and Persephone were having.

Emma turned to Persephone and groaned. "Here we go," she muttered, watching as Jocelyn crossed the entranceway with her friends.

"Just ignore her, Em," Persephone said, putting a hand on Emma's shoulder. "She's not worth it."

"I still can't believe you finally did it," Jocelyn said.

"Did what, Jocelyn?" Emma asked, staring icily at Jocelyn.

"It's the fact you killed your mum. And now what, you're trying to kill someone else?"

"What do you mean?"

"I heard you've been in the Hospital Wing a lot. Trying to kill everyone in there, too?"

"What?"

Jocelyn laughed, crossing her arms over her chest. "Why else would you be there all the time? Unless you're some sort of junkie like your father."

"What was that?" Emma asked slowly. She had been annoyed before, had been tired of hearing Jocelyn's comments about her mother, but she had crossed a line.

"I saw him before coming back," Jocelyn smirked. "Looking the way he did... I mean, it looks like he's been on something for years. You two have the same look. So, which is it? Something Muggle? I bet it's something Muggle. Doesn't look as though he could afford much else."

That was the last straw for Emma; she couldn't take it anymore. Emma was no longer just harboring a school year of resentment and anger from the children's home. Jocelyn had taken things much further, and that just wasn't going to do for Emma. No one was going to say anything about Remus and get away with it. Emma glanced over at Persephone and then turned her attention back to Jocelyn, her hand twitching into a fist. Before she even realized what she was doing, Emma's fist swung into the side of Jocelyn's face.

"Oh, shit," Persephone said, sounding both terrified and in awe.

Jocelyn straightened out, eyes narrowed as she glared at Emma. Before Jocelyn had a chance to swing back, she was ripped backward.

"Lupin!" Snape snarled, glaring at Emma. "What is the meaning of this?"

"She started it, Professor," Persephone said quickly, hoping to deflect the attention off Emma.

"I didn't ask you, Moon," Snape drawled. "Lupin, may I ask why you are attacking one of my students outside the Great Hall?"

"Why don't you ask her," Emma said coldly.

Snape raised an eyebrow. "My office, now," Snape said, pointedly looking over at the stairwell. "I'll be down there with Professor Sprout momentarily. Carmichael, Moon, stay here."

Emma glared at Snape, crossing her arms over her chest, but made her way to the dungeons. She stood in Snape's office, angry tears filling her eyes. The moment she finally decided to defend herself, and of course, she got caught. She supposed the middle of the entrance hall was a rather foolish place to stick up for herself, but she needed to.

Sprout entered the office before Snape, who noticeably didn't have Jocelyn with him.

"Where's Jocelyn?" Emma asked sharply, glaring at Snape.

"Miss Carmichael will be dealt with appropriately," said Snape, standing behind his desk.

"Oh, Emma," Professor Sprout said, taking Emma's face in her hands. "What is going on with you?"

Emma tugged her face from Professor Sprout's hands, not wanting to look at her. She was angry, and she didn't want to take her anger out on the woman.

"Emma, this is very unlike you," Professor Sprout said with a sigh. "Fighting with another student? Dear, what was that meant to do?"

"She deserved it…" Emma started to nurse her aching hand. Punching someone bloody hurt once the adrenaline ran off.

"I highly doubt that Miss Carmichael did anything worth attacking her for," said Snape, staring at Emma.

"Telling me that I killed my mother isn't a reason for me to punch her? Her saying that Re is a drug addict is supposed to be perfectly okay?" Emma asked, her eyebrows raising. "Last I checked that's a perfectly valid reason."

"And the last I checked, students fighting is against the rules, Lupin."

"Funny, it's been okay for her to do all of the things she's done to me, but yet when I try to defend myself, it's not?"

"Miss Carmichael will be dealt with accordingly," Snape repeated. "If you were listening, you would have heard me the first time."

"Yes, which means you're not going to do anything about it."

"Emma!" Professor Sprout exclaimed, shocked.

"What? It's true! Everyone knows that nothing happens to the Slytherins!"

"Professor Sprout, might I suggest that Miss Lupin has detention every night for the rest of the school year?" Snape said, turning his attention to Professor Sprout.

Sprout looked at Snape for a moment before turning back to Emma, shaking her head. "I am afraid that I agree. Emma, I understand that you're upset, but you can't go around fighting other students," Professor Sprout said sadly. "Emma, you'll report here tomorrow night to serve detention with Professor Snape."

"With Professor Snape?" Emma asked incredulously. "Why can't it be with you?"

"Emma, you know that I need to prepare the Mandrakes. I can't be distracted right now."

Emma looked between Professor Sprout and Professor Snape, anger bubbling under her skin. "Fine," she said sharply. "May I go?"

"Yes, just – just go," Sprout said, exhausted.

Emma huffed and left Snape's office, angry tears burning her eyes.

She had no intention of going to those detentions. In fact, she didn't have any intention of going anywhere ever again after tomorrow.

When Emma woke the next morning, she knew that it was going to be for the last time. She wasn't even sure at what point she had fallen asleep, surprised that she had at all. It was more difficult without having Dreamless Sleep to help. She had everything she needed stored in her bag, ready to go, all she had to do was sneak into the Potions classroom later on that day when no one would be around. The parchment with instructions for the Draught of Living Death was tucked in her robe pocket and had the instructions practically memorized. All she needed was 45 minutes of uninterrupted time to brew the potion.

When she entered the Great Hall, she took in a deep breath, already shaking in anticipation of what was to come. She looked around, wondering if she should memorize the stones in the wall and the placement of the tables. She decided against it because it wouldn't matter. She instead searched for Persephone, relieved to see her already sitting at the Hufflepuff table, scanning through a book as she ate.

Emma threw her arms around Persephone tightly as she sat down next to her, surprised at the tears that came to her eyes.

"Em? What is it?" Persephone asked, concerned. After the night before, Persephone was wary. Proud, but very wary.

"Nothing," Emma muttered, pulling away and wiping away her tears with a smile. "Just wanted to let you know that I love you."

"I love you, too," Persephone said slowly, studying Emma carefully. "Are you okay?"

"Perfect," Emma said. "Just perfect."

"All right, then," Persephone muttered, turning to her breakfast. "First detention today, you troublemaker. Re would be proud."

Emma snorted. "No, he wouldn't," she said quietly, taking a piece of toast and biting into it. She wrinkled her nose – cinnamon toast. No sugar.

"What do you mean? You finally did it," Persephone laughed. "Jocelyn bitched about it all night."

"It doesn't matter," Emma said. "I just want to get through today."

Persephone nodded, and that was the last of that conversation.

When the two parted the Great Hall, Emma made sure to give Persephone another tight hug. She hoped Persephone would understand…

Being in potions was odd. Snape was particularly grating towards Emma, giving snide comments as she worked on their potion for the day. She had been forced to restart her potion twice as Snape commented that she was doing the steps wrong.

"I see you have a taste for destructive behavior, Lupin," Snape said, clearing Emma's cauldron the second time. "This is a first-year potion. You should know that adding the Lionfish spine first will cause the potion to explode."

Emma said nothing, refusing to give Snape the satisfaction that he had aggravated her.

Half-way through potions, McGonagall's voice echoed through the castle, and Emma couldn't believe her ears.

"Everyone pack your things and get to your dorms," Snape said sharply, waving his wand to clear everyone's cauldrons. Everyone looked at each other in confusion, slowly putting their things together.

"Now!" Snape snapped before sweeping out of the room.

It was serendipity. It was almost as if fate had planned her death for her. Emma packed her things like the others, realizing she had to pretend to leave, but she could lie and say that she had to go back for something. Yes, the plan was foolproof.

She followed her housemates out of the classroom, listening to them talking about what they thought might have happened. No one had ever heard of an announcement being made throughout the entire castle like that.

"Oh, no," Emma lamented as they reached the landing to return to their dorms. "I think I dropped something! I'm going to go and backtrack really fast."

"I'll come with you," Megan offered, turning to follow Emma back down the stairs.

"No, it's okay!" Emma insisted. "I'll be back up soon."

"Are you sure?" Megan asked, looking towards the rest of their housemates and back to Emma.

"Yeah, it's fine! Go get comfortable!"

Megan nodded and turned to join the others, and Emma let out a sigh of relief as she rushed down the stairs.

45 minutes. That was all she needed.

She ran the length of the hallway and took a quick look around before slipping into the potion's classroom. She had a fire lit under one of the cauldrons and ingredients already in her hand before she had her bag on the floor. She ripped the instructions out of her pocket and flattened out the parchment, reading through everything that she needed to get. Luckily the beakers and measuring cups were still sitting out.

Emma had already snagged valerian root and the Sopophorous beans on her way into the classroom. She scanned the list – Powdered root of Asphodel, Essence of Wormwood, and African Sea Salt. Everything else she needed was sitting right in front of her. She took a deep breath to steady her shaking hands. Making her way to the cabinets, Emma pulled down the rest of the things that she needed. Instead of digging through the jars to get the exact amounts, Emma just brought them all over. After all, she wasn't going to be the one to have to clean it up.

With unsteady hands, Emma picked up the large measuring cup and went to the sink, filling it to where she needed. She cringed as she returned back to her station, fearing that she was going to drop the entire thing. Grabbing a scale, Emma measured out 5 ounces of African Sea Salt and tossed it into the measuring cup. Glancing at the clock, Emma grabbed the Sopophorous beans to cut. She had precisely five minutes to cut the beans before she had to add the water into the cauldron.

Emma was panting by the time she got the beans cut. There was only 12 that needed to be cut, but working against the clock was stressful. As she cut the beans, carefully watching the clock, Emma's mind began to wander. She wondered who would find her. Would they care? Probably not; no one had really noticed her before, so why would they actually care now?

They won't, her brain told her. They'll be glad you're dead.

After five minutes had passed, Emma poured the water into the cauldron, listening to the hiss as steam rose into the air. She was really doing this. She peered through the instructions again, grabbing the essence of wormwood and a graduated cylinder. She poured the green liquid into the bottle, watching carefully. 10 ounces, 20 ounces, 30 ounces, 40 ounces… It looked like it could be just a little over 40 ounces, but that should be fine.

She tilted the cauldron carefully, pouring in half of the liquid, and then tipped the cauldron the other direction to add the rest. Putting that to the side, Emma began to work on the Valerian roots.

"Chop three Valerian roots into small, squared pieces," Emma read to herself as she grabbed a knife and began to cut the Valerian.

Her mind drifted to Jocelyn and the others. Emma had spent almost that entire year bitterly fighting with herself, trying to feel as though people liked her. She supposed that maybe Persephone did, but after they had gotten into their fight, Emma had been left hurting. A lot. Persephone had left her alone to fend for herself with no regard for how she felt. Emma didn't have any real friends.

But you do. A different voice popped into her head, one that she tried to desperately shove away. She didn't near to hear it, and she didn't want to think about it. She just wanted it to go away.

"Shit," she muttered, reading through the instructions again and rushing back to the sink to fill a beaker with water. She placed the beaker in its holder and added the cut root pieces in, watching as they floated lazily in the water.

Emma hummed to herself, turning her attention to the potion. "Your potion should now be resembling a smooth black currant colored liquid," Emma read from the instructions. She supposed it was turning the right color. It was on its way to darkening up. Looking curiously at the Sopophorous beans, Emma decided to wait until she was sure the potion had finished changing colors. And then Remus's voice was in her brain again. You don't need to do this.

A whimper escaped her lips, and her eyes filled with tears.

Remus. Sweet, loving, and terribly caring Remus had chosen the worst time to break into her thoughts. She had grown to find it almost hysterical how he managed to do that even when he wasn't there. It was bad enough the man seemed to be able to read her mind with ease. She didn't need him breaking into her consciousness now. Especially not when time was of the essence, and she was already almost half-way done. It was disturbing how deceptively quick the potion could be made, but she supposed there was a reason for that. She was sure it was designed for people just like her, who wanted a way out.

I would miss you.

Emma let out a frustrated shout, pressing her hands to her temples. She just wanted him to leave. She would miss Remus, too, but that was the thing about death that Emma welcomed – you didn't have to miss anyone. She knew that she was a burden in his life.

It didn't ever escape Emma's attention the way he would look into his wallet before treating her to something. She could never miss the way he carefully counted out money, continually making sure there was enough to pay for her things and worry about everything else. It was always apparent in the way he would forego things that he desperately needed for himself just to take care of her.

Emma wasn't immune to noticing how often he would work double shifts or even work two different jobs, sometimes three, in one day. She hated that she was the reason he was always tired, exhaustion etched deep into the lines of his face. Emma hated that she was the reason that he would doze off in the middle of the day or the sleepy smiles he would give her late at night.

Without her around, Remus wouldn't have to work as hard, he wouldn't have to worry. He could sleep again and go back to his old life uninterrupted. It would be exactly like she didn't exist.

But then there was Lyall breaking through into her thoughts. Brilliant and silly old Lyall who had captured her affection. She would miss him, too.

Shaking the thoughts out of her head, Emma turned back to the potion. It had been five minutes for the Valerian to settle, and though she wasn't sure the potion's color was perfect, it was good enough. She reached for the Sopophorous beans and began to squeeze the juice into the potion, listening to the hiss as it hit the surface.

With the Sopophorous beans sufficiently squeezed, Emma turned to the beaker and tilted it carefully over the cauldron, adding seven drops exactly. Was that a bit of root? Emma wondered idly to herself as she peered into the cauldron. The instructions said to make sure that there were no root fragments. She scrutinized the potion and reached for the stirrer. It looked fine.

First, she stirred the potion clockwise ten times, watching as the potion once again turned color. Is it lilac? That's Lockhart's favorite color. With her brow furrowed, she stirred the potion slowly counterclockwise. It wasn't getting quite as clear as she wanted, but it was okay.

Emma's thoughts drifted back to Lyall as she finished stirring the potion and began to slowly add in more pieces of Valerian. She would miss the carefree way that Lyall would pick her up, spinning her around as if she weighed nothing. She would miss his fiery energy, throwing out expletives in English before slipping into rapidly spoken Welsh and making her laugh. She would miss the way he would look at her confused and then realize with a laugh, scooping her into arms with a soft, "cariad bach" and kissing her entire face.

And then Remus was back in Emma's mind, nearly shattering her heart into a million pieces. She began to stir the potion counterclockwise again, and Remus's cheeky smile came to mind. It was the smile he would give her before dragging her up from her chair to dance with him in the kitchen. There was the thoughtfulness of how he would mark the pages of her books for her and tuck her in on the couch. It was the simple act of finding herself tucked into her bed, wondering vaguely how she found herself there. Emma's mind drifted to how Remus would read to her when she couldn't sleep and how sometimes he would think of a spell she might want to know and then teach her.

Emma would miss both of them, but her mother called to her. She wanted to be away from the pain and even further away from the hurt. Even if Remus didn't believe it, Emma knew that her fate was meant to lie with Greyback, and that wasn't a life that she wanted. She knew her dreams were trying to tell her something. They were memories, they had to be. And most of all, she didn't want to live in a world where Jude still existed, taunting her with a reminder of everything that she should have had, but never did.

Taking a deep breath, Emma shakily measured out the root of asphodel. There wasn't much left to do after she added the powder to the cauldron. All that she needed was five more minutes. Emma wiped away her tears and added the asphodel and returned to stirring – ten times counterclockwise, eight times clockwise. And then the potion needed to sit for two and a half minutes.

Emma straightened up, keeping her eyes on the clock. Each second seemed like it was taking longer and longer. It was almost finished. With thirty seconds left, Emma took a deep breath, closing her eyes to steady herself. This was it. If it worked like Dreamless Sleep, it would be almost instant.

"Get it together," Emma hissed to herself, shaking out her hands to try and still them.

A loud crash and yelling forced Emma's eyes open. What was that?

She looked at the clock. It was time to add the final piece of Valerian. She picked up a bit of Valerian and heard more noises growing closer. She dropped the root into the cauldron and jumped as the sounds grew louder, nearly knocking the cauldron over.

"Lupin!"

"Oh, no," Emma said to herself, panic settling in as she looked at the cauldron. She peered in, glad to see that it changed color, but she still wasn't sure it was the correct shade of pink. She heard her name called again, and she scanned the room quickly for a goblet – anything to pour the potion into. Finally spotting one behind Snape's desk, she sprinted, knocking things over in her haste.

"LUPIN!"

"Shit, shit, shit," Emma muttered to herself as she ran back to the cauldron, grabbing a ladle and scooping the potion into the goblet. Her hands were shaking so much that she had to place the cup down on the table to continue filling it. The full goblet was nearly four times as much as she needed to take for it to work.

"LUPIN!"

The shout was much closer, more urgent, and surprisingly fearful.

Emma whined, ducking down into her bag to find the letter that she had written and shoved it in her pocket. She felt stupid with it, but the feeling wasn't going to last.

Doors began to slam open down the hall with more frantic calling of her name. Was that Snape?

"Oh, Merlin, please don't let Snape be the last thing I see before I die," Emma whispered to herself. She took another frantic look around the room before her eyes settled on the knife sitting on the table. If the potion didn't kill her…

Emma's tears started falling immediately as she ran the sharp blade over her wrists, much further and so much deeper than she ever had before. Her body shook with her sobs as she dropped the knife on the floor, every terrible thought washing over her all at once.

The slamming doors were approaching quickly, the shouts becoming even more frantic, and Emma knew she had to finish what she started. She reached out for the goblet, gripping tightly so that it didn't spill everywhere. Her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest, and she was gripped with terror. Her wrists were throbbing at the same erratic pace of her heartbeat, and they hurt.

Without a second thought, Emma tipped the goblet back, downing the potion as quickly as she could. She clutched to the table as the room started to spin, her body growing far heavier than it did with Dreamless Sleep. This wasn't the same warm sensation that she was expecting. The book said it would be like Dreamless Sleep, but this was nothing like it at all. It was cold, and it was bitter, and it was lonely. She had messed up terribly, and she was terrified. All she wanted was Remus to fix things, but he couldn't fix this.

Something snapped inside of her brain, and panic took over as her vision began to swim. She didn't want to do this. Why did she do this? Her green eyes met black, and she tried to fight the darkness. There were other eyes, other faces – but she couldn't recognize any of them. And then everything was gone.