Chapter 34
Tim was sitting quietly with Salma at the table while she showed him all the drawings she'd made for him while he was gone. Salma was sitting in his lap and showed no signs of wanting to let him go. Zahara was both happy to see it and worried about what Dr. Hicks had said. Could her husband really harm any of them? Tim would never hurt anyone in his family. Could he have changed that much?
She sat on the couch talking to Sam and Naomi in a low voice, telling them everything that Dr. Hicks had said. If Tim knew what was being discussed, he was ignoring it.
"And so he feels that I should not be here alone with Tim until he... reboots, as Dr. Hicks said," Zahara finished.
"Of course, we'll stay, and if something comes up and we can't, we'll make sure that there's still someone here with you," Naomi said.
"Absolutely," Sam added. "There's no way we'll leave you to deal with this yourself, and if something did happen to you or the baby, Tim would never forgive himself."
Zahara leaned against Naomi and felt some tears.
"I never thought that I would be feeling like this just before our son was born. We were so happy, Naomi. The morning that he was taken was so normal. He said he would be back and I said I would have breakfast waiting for him. It was a normal day and I was happy. So was Tim. There was nothing that could change it... until this."
Naomi hugged Zahara tightly and rocked her a little.
"It'll be all right, Zahara. You're not in this alone. Neither is Tim. You both have help. Whatever you need."
"Thank you," Zahara said softly, and leaned against Naomi for a while longer.
Then, she stood up and walked over to the table to sit down beside Tim and Salma.
He looked up at her and she could tell he was trying to smile, but he couldn't quite make it. She squeezed his hand and then smiled at Salma.
"What did you draw for your baba, Salma?" she asked.
Salma held up picture after picture of scribbling in bright colors.
"They are beautiful," Zahara said.
"That one is a whale, apparently," Tim said, sounding almost normal.
He pointed to a blue scribble that covered the entire page.
"Whale!" Salma said.
"It is a beautiful blue whale," Zahara said.
"Blue whale!"
For a moment, everything was completely normal. Salma was happily explaining her drawings to her parents. It was as if nothing had happened at all.
Then, Tim suddenly seemed pained. Gently, he lifted Salma off his lap.
"Show your mom your other pictures, Salma," Tim said, his voice soft and shaking. "I'll be back."
Salma started to protest, but remembering what Dr. Hicks had said about Tim feeling trapped and how he might react if he couldn't get away, Zahara quickly picked up one of the pictures and distracted Salma by asking what it was.
Tim walked into their bedroom and closed the door. Naomi looked at Zahara who shook her head. She didn't know what had triggered that sudden change, but she knew that the last thing Tim would want would be for Salma to start worrying about him again. So while Naomi went to the bedroom, Zahara stayed with Salma at the table.
"What color is this, Salma?"
"Green!"
"Very good."
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Gibbs walked into his house, feeling irritated. He'd gone to Tony's place and he hadn't answered the door. This was getting beyond just frustration. He knew how Ziva was feeling about Tony going AWOL. He was beginning to come around to her feeling that maybe there was nothing they could do.
Finally, he decided that he needed a little bit of time to himself, too. He opened the door to the basement and went down to start on some new project.
...and hoping that Tim might be able to do that soon, too.
He turned toward his wood pile and got a surprise.
"Hey, Boss."
Tony was sitting on the floor under the stairs.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Naomi knocked on the bedroom door and there was no response. So she went inside and got her first heartbreaking look at what her son was going through.
Tim was curled up on his bed, sobbing and holding a pillow against his face, clearly trying to muffle the sound.
Quickly, Naomi closed the door, walked over to the bed and sat down beside Tim, seeing that his whole body was shaking. She had known it already, but there was obviously a physical weakness that was probably helping the psychological breakdown. She didn't know what had brought this on specifically, but Tim was definitely upset about something.
Cautiously, she put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed it gently.
"Tim, what's wrong?" she asked, trying not to startle him.
Tim didn't reply as he lay there.
"Tim, talk to me. What's wrong?"
He just shook his head and continued to cry.
"I'm right here with you, Tim. You're not alone. All right? Whatever you're going through, you're not alone in it."
He never answered her. Instead, he cried until he fell asleep. For not the first time, Naomi regretted that Tim had never told them about the dramatic shift his life had taken all those years ago. They had not been given the chance to help him during his previous psychological breakdown. They hadn't been able to help him heal physically from the torture he'd endured. They hadn't been allowed to be there during any of the trials he'd gone through. He'd kept it all from them and when he'd finally said something, it had been when he wasn't having any major problems so the reality of it hadn't been there. She didn't know if this was as bad as the first time. Zahara couldn't know that either because she hadn't been with Tim that long ago.
...but there were people who had been there for Tim through all of that. Maybe they should get some of those people to help, even if it was just for the perspective they had on what was going on.
The more she thought about it, the better the idea seemed. According to Zahara, Dr. Hicks felt that Tim would come out of this, but it would take time. Maybe his friends, his team could help him get through it more quickly...and could help Tim's family bear the weight more easily.
Decision made, Naomi didn't leave Tim alone. Instead, she stayed beside him, keeping her hand on his shoulder, as he gradually relaxed into true sleep, something she knew he desperately needed.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Gibbs looked at Tony and raised an eyebrow.
"How long have you been there?"
"Not long."
Then, nothing more. Gibbs dragged a stool over beside where Tony was sitting and sat on it. He looked down at his agent who didn't seem interested in getting started on this conversation.
"Well?" he asked.
"I know," Tony said. "I pretty much suck right now."
"Want to explain why?"
Tony shook his head.
"You need to."
"Just like I had to work with Carew or get basically kicked out?" Tony asked, sounding a little bitter.
"Just like you had to get over it or else you weren't going to do anyone any good," Gibbs said. "And you did. By the end, you were just working."
There was a long pause. Tony wasn't making any move to get off the floor and Gibbs was basically towering over him at the moment.
"How's Tim doing?" Tony asked after another minute of silence.
"Not great. He ran away, thinking that he was only going to destroy everyone he cared about," Gibbs said. "Do you know who helped us find him? Carew. Not you. Carew."
Tony winced. Gibbs decided to drive the point home. It would hurt in the short-term, but maybe in the long-term, it would do some good.
"Carew has heart failure, and he led us out there so that he could help Tim get back home. He was just as determined as the rest of us to make sure Tim wasn't lost. And do you know who wasn't there to help? You, Tony."
"I know," Tony said, not looking at him.
"So you need to explain yourself. When Carew of all people is doing more than you are, you need to explain it."
A long pause, and Gibbs decided to give a little opening.
"Tim has a family and they're with him. They're helping him and that's the right thing. I'm not saying that you should do it all yourself or even that we should be doing everything when Tim has family to help, but you weren't there for anyone. Not even just for the case. So you need to tell me what's going on. Are you trying to say you want off the team? Do you want to escape from all this?"
Tony said nothing.
"If you do, then, man up and say it, Tony. Don't give me this crap of just avoiding us all and pretending like it doesn't matter. It matters. A lot. So you start talking." Gibbs paused for a moment. "And get up off the floor. You're not a little kid sent to the corner."
Tony smiled slightly at that...and got up off the floor. Silently, Gibbs walked over and got out his bourbon.
"Want some?" he asked.
"Sure," Tony said. "Not much."
"Wasn't offering much."
Gibbs got two jars and poured some bourbon into each one. Then, he handed one to Tony who took it and sipped at it for a few seconds. Gibbs sat back down on the stool. Tony looked around and found another stool and sat down on it. Then, Gibbs waited.
Finally, Tony sighed and put down the jar.
"I couldn't handle it," Tony said. "I don't know why this time was too much, but it was. When I saw how bad Tim was... I just couldn't. I stayed until Zahara got there and then I escaped."
"And what have you been doing?"
"Telling myself that I'm a terrible person for not being there...but not doing anything about it," Tony said.
"Tony, not being able to handle it is okay."
"No, it's not. How often have we done this and it's been worse?"
"Not for a long time."
"No. Carew was..."
"...was the one in danger, not Tim. The time before that, Tim was on the run, but we didn't have to worry about someone taking him. The time before that he willingly went with Carew to Yemen. The last time was when Tim was taken and tortured."
Tony looked down. "And that was my fault."
"No, Tony."
"Tim said that the reason I can't forgive Carew is because I can't forgive myself, that since I don't deserve forgiveness, he doesn't either."
Gibbs was interested in that conversation, but he didn't want to distract from the issue at hand. So he just waited.
"And he said that I shouldn't blame myself since he doesn't blame me... but I do blame myself. I never stopped. My shrink said I should and I agreed with him. But I didn't do it."
"Why not?"
"Because I made Tim's life worse...and in the moment, I wanted to." He sighed again and took a sip from the jar. "I can't forget that I was hoping Tim would suffer in the same moment that he felt he deserved the same thing, the same moment where he was willing to die for us, I was hoping he'd die. And I told them who he was and they could find him because of it. They took him, tortured him until he almost died, and almost made him give up on living at all. They couldn't have done that if I hadn't told them."
"Maybe. Maybe not. People have been talking about Tim for a long time, Tony. We just didn't know how widespread it was."
"Tim made me promise to work on how I was feeling. I lied."
They were getting off topic, but Gibbs had the feeling that Tony had been wanting to be able to confess some of this for a while. Maybe it would help. Maybe not.
"I can't handle it, Boss."
"It's still okay."
"No, it's not."
"It is. The only problem is that you hid it and didn't say anything. If you needed some time to get it together, you could have said so."
"Every time this happens, Tim has to recover from it, but then, we do, too. As a team. Nothing is right when he first comes back. It feels like there's something that ruins it just when it feels normal again."
"Tim feels that way, too. And worse."
"I know." Another sip. "I didn't want him to see me walking away, so I did it when he couldn't notice anything."
"Do you want to leave the team, Tony?" Gibbs asked, bluntly. "I need to know."
Another long silence. Gibbs genuinely wasn't sure. It wasn't as if Tony would get fired. He was more than qualified to lead his own team and had been for years.
"No," Tony said finally, "but maybe I should."
"How long has it been since you talked to a shrink?"
"Few years."
"You're going back."
That finally got Tony to look at him.
"What? What for?"
Gibbs raised an eyebrow and Tony had the grace to look a little sheepish.
"I don't want to go to a shrink. You never tell us to go to therapy."
"Yeah, and I'm telling you now. If you can't or won't deal with it on your own, someone else is going to make you. I'm not breaking up my team if I don't have to and I'm not letting anyone on my team fall apart," Gibbs said. "So you start meeting with a shrink. I don't care who it is. You do it and get your head on straight."
Before Tony could protest again, Gibbs' phone rang. He didn't recognize the number but he answered anyway.
"Gibbs."
"Hello, Agent Gibbs. This is Naomi McGee. Tim's mother."
"Yes, ma'am. What do you need?"
"I don't know," she said, sounding worried. "Tim's doctor warned Zahara that, while Tim is recovering, it's possible he might lose control and you know Tim would never forgive himself if he actually hurt anyone."
Gibbs didn't bother saying anything about Tim's physical loss of control during his previous breakdown.
"You're right," he said, simply.
"You were all here through everything Tim's been through. He never let us know, and Zahara hasn't known him long enough. I was hoping that you or one of Tim's other friends at NCIS might be able to help us help him get through this. Dr. Hicks apparently doesn't think that this is permanent at all, but that it will be hard for the first few days while Tim starts to recover. He's sleeping right now, but that was after something made him start crying so much that he couldn't even talk. He actually cried himself to sleep. We're hoping he can catch up on the sleep he wasn't getting and eat more so that, physically, he'll be better, but... is there anything you could do?"
Gibbs thought about it. After Tim was a little better, he could think of a lot of things, including coming and working on wood again, but right now, maybe there was something more.
"Maybe. Physically, how is he?"
"Still weak, still tired. He's agreed to take the sleeping pills for a few days even though he's terrified of sleeping... I don't know what his nightmares are, but they must be terrible."
"They are," Gibbs said. "I'll stop by tomorrow."
"He has therapy first thing in the morning."
"Okay. I have a few days off. I'll come by and pick him up, give you guys a break. All right?"
"Thank you so much, Agent Gibbs. We want to help him and we don't want to foist that off on anyone else but..."
"I want to," Gibbs said.
Like Tony, he felt a responsibility since his choice to hack the CIA had started this whole thing, but unlike Tony, he'd also learned to manage that guilt... because Tim had asked him to try. Tony could do the same if he wanted to. He directed it into helping Tim get through these slumps where Tony was still in the self-recrimination phase and had stayed there for far too long.
"Thank you. We'll see you tomorrow, then. We won't tell Tim, just in case he thinks it's wrong."
Gibbs smiled at that.
"Okay. Bye."
"Good-bye."
Gibbs looked at Tony.
"Are you hungry?"
"I could eat," Tony said.
"Come on."
They started out of the basement, but Gibbs stopped Tony at the stairs.
"You start talking to someone, DiNozzo. No matter what else, and if you don't, then, you will be in trouble."
"Yeah, okay."
"I'm going to check," Gibbs said.
Tony looked at him in surprise.
"I told you. I'm not seeing any of us falling apart because of this."
Tony nodded again.
They headed up to the kitchen, and Gibbs hoped this would be the step Tony needed to get back on track.