Chapter 25

December 18th

'Haley I told you I'd fly over there but I know I'm not the person you need with you for this.' Peyton said across to her on the phone.

Haley groaned from where she was seated on her bedroom floor organising her drawers. Of course she was organising her drawers, she'd been organising them for the last number of weeks when things cropped up that she didn't want to deal with and that happened, well a lot.

It was coming up on 7 weeks now since Halloween when she and Nathan decided to move forward as friends.

Things were normal between them; they were good except for the fact he seemed to get god damns sexier looking with each passing day. She wondered is this what happened to normal couples did she just wake up every morning ad find their partner sexier?

'Hardly.' Haley mumbled to herself.

'What was that?' Peyton said through the phone.

Haley shook her head at her silliness. 'Nothing.'

'Did you see Olivia today?'

That was the biggest change her life had foreseen these past 7 weeks. She started counselling going to a lovely woman Karen had recommended.

Right now she was in that phase where she was working through it all, resulting in a lot of unexpected sudden tears in her office and a heavy heart upon leaving. But the days after she always felt a sense of lightness, the subtle healing which Olivia told her would take time. There was no end date to this, it was something she couldn't control but she welcomed that.

Going with the flow and being gentle with herself was probably something she never did in all her years, she was by default a planner, liked control but now this going gradual approach with therapy seemed to be seeming into other aspects of her life like her relationships and college.

She didn't feel the need to force what was with her and Nathan anymore, they were just them when they were together. It was nice. She knew college would work out whether that meant leaving Brown and transferring to Gilmore or doing something entirely different. She didn't feel a lesser person because of that anymore.

She had her days of course where it triggered her, but it didn't consume her.

Lately she had been talking about her family in those sessions. That's why her heart felt so heavy, like right now. Her father's heart failure felt like a mockery, she'd lost him and life was forcing her to step back into that role of daughter again…to say goodbye, to what? She'd spent her whole life clinging on to what could be with them and the moment she let go he deteriorates. She felt guilty, frustrated, and confused. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel.

Olivia had spoken to her a lot about protecting herself through this. She had told her she had really being working on herself these past couple of weeks and working through things alone and there was strength in that but there was also strength in being able to ask for support.

Now was one of those times. She couldn't go see her father alone.

'You there?' Peyton said prompting Haley from her thoughts.

'Eh yea sorry…I was just. I want to ask him Peyton I do I'm just….. She sighed then as she rested back against her bed from where she was perched on the floor. 'I don't know…' she sighed flabbergasted with herself.

'Things have been ok with you two these past few weeks haven't they? You know it hasn't been awkward or anything..'

'Well no…' Haley said. 'It's not that it's just I'd be asking him to come to Tree Hill with me right before the Christmas holidays which isn't fair and I know he wasn't planning on leaving until the 23rd because of basketball and…'

'Ok Haley…what's really the problem here?'

She sighed. 'Things are comfortable here; we have Lucas I mean we rarely spend time alone and I haven't even seen much of him I actually think he could be seeing someone…'

'Would that bother you?'

Haley shrugged unwilling to give a yes or no answer to that question. 'It might help.' She mumbled.

'Help?' Peyton said curiously and there was silence on the phone for several second before her tone came through giggling. 'Are you crushing out on your roommate Haley?' She teased her.

'Oh shut up.' She fought with her down the phone.

'You are totally frustrated aren't you….I mean I saw him at the party Haley his arms…..oh my god and then the way you were…'

'OK Peyton this isn't funny….'

She chuckled regardless.

Haley rolled her eyes but couldn't keep the smile off her face all the same. It was like they were in the room together.

'So what are you nervous to be around him or what?'

'A little I guess…or maybe just nervous of the trip…'

'You want to know what I think?'

'Well that is why I called you it wasn't to hear about what you thought about his arms..'

'I love how you picked up on that.' Peyton teased. 'Ok seriously Haley I think that all of this going to see you dad and dealing with that will override any weird feelings you have about asking Nathan, I mean he is the one person who was really there for you through the worst of this, he can relate you know your history with your fathers…if you go down without him you'll regret it, you need him and that's ok.'

'It's just one-night Haley you could even go up and down the same day you might have to if Nathan's missing basketball.'

'I guess.' She said softly.

'See that's already made it seem smaller in your head hasn't it?'

'Yea.' Haley said blowing out a breath.

'Here let's make a deal you ask him tonight and I'll agree to go to that movie fest with Julian.'

Haley chuckled at that. Peyton had been nervous to take that next step for a while now.

'Let's see as a step forward between you and Nathan and me and Julian.'

'So I ask tonight and you agree tonight.'

'Precisely.' Peyton mused. 'Text me ok..'

'I will…' Haley said smiling as she ended the call.

She left her phone down to the hardware floor as she glanced at her severely organised underwear draw. 'Get a grip Haley.' She rebuked herself as she closed it in and pulled herself up from the floor.

She took a glance at herself in her cotton shorts and lounge hoody and found herself going to pull her locks from the big tousled on her head. She'd being doing that a lot lately, becoming even more conscious of her appearance around him again. It's not like she was trying to re-impress him, he just felt so intimidatingly good looking lately or else her hormones were in denial overdrive.

Haley opened her bedroom door steeping into the main living area smiling at the familiar sight of the NBA game on tv and yet no one on the sofa. She padded over in her socks and was just about to turn the tv when his groggy voice called out to her. 'I'm watching that.'

'With your eyes closed.' Haley mused as she glanced down at him with a smile. He was panned out on the couch in joggers and a now crumpled white t-shirt. Sleepy looked hot on him. Of course it did.

'I'm listening.' Nathan grumbled.

'Right.' Haley said crossing her arms over herself. 'So what's the score? No peaking.' She scolded him as one eye opened.

Nathan just chuckled his laugh gravelly with sleep had the hairs raising on her arms.

'It doesn't matter Hales you wouldn't be able to read it.'

He'd being calling her that almost subconsciously the last 2 weeks, it so seamlessly slipped out whereas before it was almost too sore to hear it now she allowed herself to feel the warmth and familiarity of it.

'Yes I would I've had to watch this while eating my dinner since September.'

'So what is the score then?'

'Its +12 and -7…'

Nathan just chuckled.

'Oh shut up I know the Mavericks are winning.'

'What with -7?'

This time Haley did deck him with the cushion.

'Oww that hurt…' Nathan grumped.

'Move over your long legs are also hogging the couch I swear you get taller every week.'

'And you get shorter.' Nathan said, his eyes were closed with a smirk on his face and yet his hand came up to defend himself expecting the cushion.

Haley couldn't help but smile as she plonked herself down at the end of the couch.

'Haley my feet…'

'You are so whiny today!' She noted.

'I've been up since 6am…'

She had noted he'd been out at all hours lately. The question was on the tip of her tongue but she was too fearful to ask, of broaching that topic or the answer she wasn't sure what she was fearful of. funny how she could talk so openly to Lucas about it, despite her and Nathan being friends it was just too strange to chat about relationships. She wasn't ready, she wasn't sure she ever would be.

'So how was your day?' He said then, his eyes were open now as he smiled lazily at her.

She knew now was her time but she was giving herself every other reason to think otherwise; Nathan was tired, it had been a long day for them both, what's another day putting this off?'

'Haley…' He prodded then. Of course he could sense her apprehension.

'It was good.' She said firmly sending him a smile as she suddenly found the tv remote wholly interesting.

'What's going on?'

She didn't know why she did this same dance when he always cu it right ff instead of dancing around her.

'I…..ok…' She blew out then as she pulled her feet up under her Indian style to get comfy. She not only struggled to bring this up but she knew just how quickly it could kill the ambient atmosphere in a room. This topic was just heavy, always had been.

'I need to go see my dad…not for him….for me..' She chanced a glance at him, he was watching her intently no doubting the shimmer of concern polling in his blue eyes.

'Can you take me?' She asked softly then.

She watched as Nathan pulled himself up into a seating position on the couch as he scooted over to her. Haley expelled the breath she didn't even know she was holding in, her heart riveting with nerves still or apprehension as his big hand grabbed onto her small one giving it a squeeze.

'I was hoping you'd ask.' He said softly.

'I'm sacred Nathan.' She admitted.

The concern in his eyes battled with flickers of pain at her admission. He rested himself back on the couch cajoling her as he pulled her in beside him holding her. 'It'll be ok, this won't be hanging over you anymore and if you need me….I'm there…'

She huddled into him tighter at his words just relishing in his scent, whispers of his cologne now mixed in with his own inherent scent as the day lingered on. It was heavily, it smelt like home.

XXXXX

Lights passed, streams of blurry enchantment lighting up the dark night on their drive home. She'd never really drove home for Christmas before. She'd either always been at home or like last year found a home for herself. But she could see why people sensed the magic in it, passing by all the houses with magnificent lights. It was easy to get completely lost in it and not feel the ache of your own family woes.

Nathan chuckled as she wowed at another house.

It was nice experiencing this with him. Like her, his family hadn't being big on the magic of Christmas or magic at all.

It was nice to capture that together.

'So this is your first year at Karen's right?' Haley asked him then.

'Yea. Luke tells me they never really went big on decorating just the usual tree but now with Lily there Keith is going all out.'

Lily, their daughter. She was a year-old last week. She was also one of the reasons Lucas wanted to go to college close to home.

'Keith was always a big kid at Christmas. He's totally using Lily as an excuse.' Haley smiled. 'I'm surprised he didn't use you being there as an excuse.'

'Oh he tried and quickly realised that was failing.' Nathan mused. 'His dad, my grandfather well actually both of his parents they were the same…not big on it.' Nathan said then.

'Who knew we had so much in common growing up…' Haley said softly.

He smiled at her, his smile only widening again as another wow feel from her face, her eyes widening out at the window…'Nathan did you….oh my god the houses on this drive are insane…' She gasped. 'What?' She said then catching his eyes.

'nothing….it's just…if I'd have known you'd be like this over a few lights I would have just taking you sight-seeing for your Christmas present.'

'these are not only a few lights and we said we weren't doing presents…' She reminded him.

'I know it's only small.' He said passively.

'but I didn't get you anything.'

'Haley it's alright I'm not gonna kick you out of my car or anything.'

'What is it? Have you it in the car?'

He rolled his eyes at her Haley-like ways but it sent a warmth through his chest all the same, there was something so heart rendering seeing those qualities she'd let slip away beaming back to full light so naturally.

'It is isn't it?' She implored him with playful eyes.

Nathan chuckled. 'It wouldn't fit in the car.'

Haley's eyes bugged out. 'You said it was small.'

'It is.'

'Well how would it not fit in the car if it's small Nathan?'

'It takes up a lot of space.' He smirked.

She glared at his signature smirk clearly he was milking this. 'If something takes up space that means it can't be small. Gladly noted you weren't paying attention in our tutoring sessions.'

'I was too busy looking down your shirt.' He teased her which earned him a slap.

'Nathan.' Truthfully, she enjoyed the flirting, the Goosebumps a permanent mark on her skin in this tight space with him.

He chuckled. 'So you might actually have to take some of these lights with you Hales I don't think Peyton is big on Christmas.'

'She said her roommate decorated this year.'

'Whose she sharing with again?'

'Some girl called Mia, kinda punk rocker.'

Nathan smiled. 'Sounds like Peyton's style.'

'It's nice she has you there I just I'm kinda being selfish and wishing you ere here for it too.'

Haley smiled at his words. 'So we can have it this weekend.'

'Yea for one night.' Nathan reminded her.

'Still it's being nice just driving and looking at the lights.' Haley countered.

'Yea it has.' Nathan said easily as he caught her eyes again before the pair looked away from each other. 'I would have stayed until Sunday Hales if I could have I just I have to make Saturday's game especially after missing Thursday.'

'Nathan it's ok.' Haley said frowning then as she replayed over his words in her head. He had told her he was at practice on Thursday.

'What?' He sad then noticing the puzzled look on her face.

'It's nothing.' She said not wanting to disrupt the sense of easiness between them. Part of her was quiet happy not knowing the truth behind what she was contemplating.

'What is it Haley? you know I'm not gonna let it go it's just us….'

She sighed. 'You said you were at practice on Thurs you even came home in your gym gear.' She said quietly wondering how she was sounding like a scorned girlfriend all of a sudden.

Shit. 'Eh…' He scratched the back of his neck. 'I was getting your present.' He smiled easily.

She knew he was lying. That only pinched her gut harder.

'Are you seeing someone?' Haley blurted out then her insides twisting in embarrassment at the insinuating way that came from her mouth. Dammit. 'I mean it's ok if you are…I just didn't think we had to hide that…I thought we were friends…I thought…'

'Hales….' Nathan said softly attempting to break her from her usual rambling. 'Haley…' He called her out. She looked at him rather sheepishly. 'Sorry…' She said quietly.

'There is someone I've been seeing a lot of the last two weeks.' He said casually trying to bite back the smirk at the look of shock on her features as she quickly tried to hide it.

'What…..I mean…..what?' she flustered at him.

'Betty.'

'Betty?' Haley just repeated giving him a what the hell look.

'That's her name I was going to tell you tonight, well show you.'

'Show me…right..' Haley added on when she noticed Nathan seemed pure serious about that. Show me? What the hell? Haley glanced over at him watching as his gaze just went back towards the road, his features were soft not a trace of apprehension, or even humour or anything. He just looked at ease. Which ironically is what she had pointed out, they were friends they should eb able to talk about this stuff…but he shouldn't be that bloody comfortable with it.

Little did she know his heart was generally racing across from her just from the thought, the mere subtle insight that something about him possibly dating may bother her, that maybe just maybe she was struggling with this friendship thing as much as he had been.

XXXXX

Nathan pulled in alongside the front of the café. Haley smiled as she noticed the twinkling string lights dazzling in vertical patterns from the windows, the antique Santa Claus sitting in the window almost beckoning them. This place always felt like home. It was her home.

Nathan had already jumped out of the driver's seat by the time she broke herself out of her stupor. She felt she needed time to recollect her thoughts away from him but she wasn't about to find that now.

He was seeing someone. She'd had an inkling but she much preferred living in the land of no confirmations.

She didn't realise it would be this hard. She'd let him go when he left Brown, at least she thought she had.

'Come on you goof.'

She gasped; mouth open wide at his teasing smirk in the car window. 'I see you've picked up that nickname from Lucas.' Haley pointed out.

Nathan shrugged with that delicious smirk of his. 'It is one of my favourites.'

She shook her head smiling widely despite herself as she followed him out of the car.

Karen's old tree illuminated the corner of the coffee as they stepped inside. Haley watched him, her heart beating fast as he went around the counter seemingly looking for the cake Karen had told him to pick up. Nathan propped the white box on the counter then catching the ponderous look on her face.

'What?' He said as she started smiling at him then.

'It's just funny to see you like this, co comfortable here you know there was a time you were afraid of this place.'

Nathan gave Haley a look. 'I was never afraid of the place Haley.' He countered playfully.

'Oh I don't know about that there was a time I remember you had to come here to apologise to me and you were a fumbling wreck…'

'That's because I fancied you.' He countered easily giving her that boyish smirk of his, as he matured it just became even more sexy. Of course it did. He looked so handsome now standing across from her in a white vest with a chequered shirt thrown on lazily over it, it was much more Lucas vibe what he was wearing but she wasn't about to ask him if they were swapping clothes.

The way her emotions were running lately it would probably make her cry.

'Well it must be true then because boys usually are big jerks to girls they fancy.' Haley countered.

Their eyes sparkled as they met. She felt the same trickle of anticipation she felt that night in the club only now it was much more grounded, without alcohol to cloud her sense her nerves skyrocketed.

Was it possible to fall in love all over again?

He was smiling at her words and then he was biting his lip. Could he possibly be nervous too? Part of her hoped he was and she hadn't hoped for anything in a long time. 'Let's go upstairs.' He said then his voice had taken on a gravellier tone. It was clear he felt some kind of nerves.

'Upstairs? I don't think I've gone upstairs since junior high.' Haley mused as she quirked one eye at him.

'Come on.' Nathan said not offering her anymore.

It took her a little longer to get to the top given Nathan's long two step and when she did her mouth feel open wide as she stood there in awe. 'Nath…..wow….' She fumbled as her eyes darted around excitedly. She stepped forward taking in the multicoloured lights that hung from the far walls, the fresh felt grass supporting the mini golf course and what looked like cushioned sitting area on the far side.

She felt his much larger hand encase hers then as he pulled her along to the cushioned area. 'Happy Christmas Hales.' He said softly.

She glanced up at him then her eyes glistened at the thought of it all. 'You did this?'

He shrugged sheepishly; modesty seemed to coat his maturity also. 'Well it was my idea but I had a lot of help from Luke and Karen.'

'You know you once asked me why can't we be the three musketeers.' He said the as he trailed his thumb against the inside of her palm. Haley felt her breath hitching in her throat as she nodded. 'Maybe we can, maybe this is a start. Luke told me how much this place meaned to both of you growing up and we can all have that now.'

'I don't know what to say.' Haley barely got out, the catch of emotion in her words. The tears escaped freely.

'You don't have to say anything.'

She nodded and sobbed a little.

'Don't cry..' He teased her softly.

'These aren't sad tears they're happy tears.'

'How about from now we do smiles instead of tears.' He coaxed her as he pulled her in against his arms squeezing her tightly.

'Thank you Nathan.' She mumbled against his chest after a little while.

After several minutes, the pair of them pulled away smiling at each other. Nathan nodded at her to sit down on the large comfy cushions he'd thrown down as he sat down across from her and began to tug on the white box she hadn't realised he'd even brought up here.

'The cake was for us wasn't it….' She mused then.

He gave her a wide smile. 'Yep. Death by chocolate Hales….'

'My favourite.' She caught the sparkle in his eyes again before forcing herself to glance away looking at the night sky above them, the stars were out. It really felt like she was meant to be here right now with him, she hadn't felt that grounded in so long. The months preceding this she'd felt such a disconnect, a sense of skewed time like nowhere fit. But here, here fit.

Especially with him.

God she was nervous again.

'So eh…..Betty's across town did the felt grass, that was Karen's idea she thought the felt grass would be safer for Lily.'

Betty's Flower Shop. Of course. She shook her head, couldn't help the flirty smirk that came across her features. 'Betty….the girl you've been seeing?'

He was sending her that cheeky smile now.

'You ass…' She joked as he reached across to push him.

'Hales watch the chocolate cake.'

She just shook her head biting back the smile across her face at the realisation.

'Were you jealous?'

Maybe modesty hadn't completely coated him. Still she found joy in this aspect of his personality, it was funny how he could simultaneously be shy and confident in her presence all in the matter of minutes. Both were endearing.

'Nathan stop it…' She said as he decided to give all her attention to her slice of cake in that moment.

'I would have been.' He offered easily then as he bit into the cake smiling as he noticed the blush tint her cheeks.

'So this kind of explains all the late nights…'

'Yea.' Nathan said. 'And getting all of the dinners out of Karen and Keith I kind of got used to that.'

Haley giggled at that.

God he loved that sound. 'I've got to spend some time with Karen, just the two of us that's been nice.'

'I'm really happy you have that Nathan and they're lucky to have you in their lives.'

He smiled at her words.

'I can see why she was like a mother figure to you growing up.'

'She really does and she'll always tell you it straight.'

And Karen had. Karen had certainly told him straight. Told him to go after her just like he had intended to at the wedding. Told her whatever Haley or he were going through individually together they would be a strong force, maybe even the strongest force now after their time apart.

Nathan placed the paper plate with the cake down beside him blowing out a breath as he tried to make sense in his head how he was even going to word this. As always his mind was completely frazzled around her in the best way possible, his senses felt light and airy and no doubt made the words he needed to get out so fluently difficult. She'd always had this effect on him, even as a young teenager.

'Haley…'

The gravelly tone of his voice had the hair standing on her arms, the light breeze whirling around them now she could easily attribute it to the crisp winter night on the rooftop but she knew better than that. 'Yea…' She said softly as she glanced at him, his eyes glanced away from her towards the space between them before they found her again.

He'd always being pretty good at covering up his emotions but his eyes, just like now told her everything. Apprehension was simmering within their debts.

He swallowed thickly before he spoke again. 'I don't want you think I'm saying this to place pressure on us….or anything, I know we're friends now and I don't want to make you uncomfortable…' He said sighing inwardly at his clumsy message.

'It's ok.' She said softly as she reached across for his hand that she was pretty sure soon would have threaded his shoe lacers to bits.

He offered her a soft smile.

'Before I knew you were going through such a hard time…' He said as he gave her hand a squeeze 'at Karen and Keith's wedding I wanted to tell you this…not so we'd magically get back together and everything would be ok but just so you could understand why I pushed you so hard towards Brown.'

Haley sat there holding his hand it's like her breath was clinging on the inhale to his every word.

'Growing up I feel like I always saw the parts of you that you kept hidden from the world, I remember how sad you looked at them house parities and then how joyful you'd be 5 seconds later in Luke's company. I felt like you could see that part in me too.' Haley smiled.

'I fell in love with you Haley and all those parts you hid from the world that you were running from only made me love you even more, you've always been more than enough for me Haley it's why I ran away from the idea of us I thought I would hold you back, I needed you to see what was out there before you just settled with me and I know that wasn't my decision or I shouldn't have controlled it but it felt like the right thing at the time.'

'I don't blame you for what happened to us.' Haley said softly as she squeezed his hand.

'I know that but I just need you to understand it wasn't easy for me to let you go in fact I don't think I have…' He mumbled the last part so softly she knew he felt vulnerable to admit that.

'I was scared over the summer, I feared telling you and Lucas what was going on with me….I wasn't who I thought I'd be, I know both you and Luke had your best intentions telling me I deserved this greatness in Brown but I began to see myself as a failure and the thought of you just witnessing that….' Haley admitted then as she felt her voice tremble a little swallowing back the emotion clinging to her throat. s

'Haley I never held you on a pedestal…maybe when I was younger I thought I wasn't enough cause you were just this vibrant happy person but I feel in love with you because you showed me what you never showed anyone else, I fell in love with every part of you not just the ideal….nothing you would have become or did would have changed that for me, it never has …except maybe when I thought you were seeing Jake…'

Haley giggled softly at that. 'I can't believe you even thought that…'

'you know that was the first time since we became well..brothers that Lucas and I fought, the day of the wedding.'

'Really?'

Nathan nodded. 'Yep he was afraid I was going to act like a jackass cause you showed up with Jake.'

'He was probably right.' Haley teased him.

Nathan chuckled.

'I'm glad we're ok now.' She said softly then. He felt her squeeze his hand once more and it was only then he realised he was still holding hers. He liked sitting here like this, holding hands with her.

'Where's your head at with tomorrow Hales?' He questioned softly then.

'I don't want to go but I have to, not for him…for me. There are things I need to say.'

He nodded in understanding.

'I don't expect him to be any different, maybe part of me is scared because of that - scared he'll knock me, I'm only building myself back up. I hate how he still has that power over me.'

'I think they'll always have a certain power over us Haley, even if it's only a twinge it will be there. But we don't have to let that consume us anymore.'

'Is that how you feel about Dan?' Haley prodded softly. 'I notice you or Lucas don't talk about him anymore.'

'We did…..talk about him. ' Nathan told her, his hand still holing hers. 'That summer I was getting to know Luke he asked me some things. Keith has told me a lot. I went to see him you know; it was before the wedding.'

'How was that?'

'I told him I was in love with you.'

Her heart was beating wildly again, he told him he loved her the weekend before the wedding.

She was coming back the weekend with the resolve to let him go.

Funny the paradox life had created for them.

Nathan chuckled mirthlessly; it was empty - there was nothing funny about it. 'I told him I was getting to know my brother..uh well he spit on the booth, he told me he was ashamed of me, said I showed no thanks for everything he did and gave up for me…'

'I'm sorry Nathan.' Haley said sadly.

'It's ok.' He said sheepishly. 'It wasn't at the time but it is now. I mean I would have spent my whole life trying to make him happy Haley, believing that was a healthy relationship…we never really had a father-son relationship. It was twisted.'

'You know you're the only person I can talk to Dan about…' He said softly then as he met her eyes again.

She nodded in understanding. 'I get it.'

'Come here…' Nathan nodded towards the expansive space on the cushions beside him.

Haley seemed to hesitate a little and he smiled at her demureness.

'I just want to hold you…' He said softly. He knew he was most likely overstepping a line there but he couldn't help himself anymore, maybe it was the weight of their conversations, the emotions flooding his veins, the night sky, the way she looked, smelt…all of it. He just needed her more than ever.

Haley let go of his hand as she crawled across the felt grass and onto the cushion beside him. Nathan pushed himself back stretching his legs out as Haley snuggled into his side, his arm automatically lopping around her. His gaze fell upon the clear night sky, the stars. 'This feels nice.' He said easily.

'Yea, it does.' She replied with a smile as she looked up at the sky.

XXXXX

Haley stood lingering adjacent to the pathway of her own house, her whole body a quiver of dreaded anticipation. She almost cracked a smile at how reluctant he was to let go of her hand; it had gone from full hand to a few fingers now two of his fingers were holding onto her pinkie for dear life. It was adorable actually.

'You sure….I can wait..'

Haley barely managed a smile the warmth from his concern blanketed her fear momentarily. 'No you should get back for the game. I'll be ok….I wouldn't have even got to the door without you Nathan.'

'You would have.' Nathan said resolutely. 'You just needed a little push.'

'I'm thinking I need a pretty damn big push.' Haley laughed but it was rueful.

'Come here.' He said full of love for her as he pulled her in tucking his strong arms around her squeezing her tight. 'Remember what Olivia said your still a little fragile so imaginary bubble wrap huh?' He teased her a little his heart riveting as she giggled softly against him.

He pulled back dropping a kiss on her head before reluctantly letting his hand fall. 'I'll see you after the holidays I guess.' He said a little awkwardly, since when did friendly goodbyes become something he needed a manual for? That's right it just wasn't in the script with Haley.

'Eh yea…' Haley said placing a strand of hair behind her ear a little perturbed by his sudden clamminess. 'Ill miss you Nathan.' She admitted softly then.

He smiled. 'I'll miss you too.' And with one last look he walked away from her stopping at the front door of his car to give her one last reassuring nod.

Before she even knocked the door was pulled back for her.

'Hi Haley.'

She just stared at him. Not much had changed. He certainly didn't look like he had a bad heart but then again he'd had one for years and she'd never noticed it. She didn't say anything as he pulled the door back even more and she stepped inside her own house.

Being back here made her want to shrink but she carried her demeaner to the kitchen running her fingers alongside the countertop funny how in the space of ten seconds she felt like the resilience she had built up in her sessions with Olivia was not even hers.

Being in this house again was like being under attack. Bubble wrap. Bubble wrap. She almost laughed to herself at her inward chanting.

'I take it this isn't a friendly visit.' He said to her as he came in and sat at his familiar stool at the countertop. Haley had taken to standing directly across from him, her arms crossed over herself. 'How bad is it?' She asked directly.

He gave her a look. 'Your heart dad, how bad is it?'

'I think you know the answer to that.' He said.

Haley's gaze was unwavering.

'I've a couple of months, I'm on a transplant list but they're a lot more complications beyond that.'

'Like what?'

'My arteries are blocking. I had a stint put in.'

Haley didn't say anything more.

'You know maybe two years ago I would have lied to you and tell you how sorry I am and how much I have done wrong by you but I haven't changed Haley and I'm not gonna lie to you anymore. I am sorry for what happened to your mother but the rest of it…..I can't say that I would change any of that with or without this news.'

'The rest of it…..the rest of it being what has become of us, what you prioritised….the type of person you were to me and mom….'

'Yea.' He said without shame. 'I cant say I would have done things differently Haley because I wouldn't have.'

'I'm going to counselling.' Haley expelled not missing the surprised pass his features, maybe even shock.

'Nathan was the one who got me there….you know I've seen the type of person he has become despite his father.'

'I see your still with him.' Jimmy observed.

She wanted to scoff. None of it mattered. The counselling. The whys. He hadn't the guts to ask. He was too cowardly. 'No I'm not but we're friends.'

'Why Nathan?'

'It wasn't to spite you. In fact when we saw past all of it turns out we have a lot in common..fathers who sacrifice their own children for their own selfish gain.'

'I can't give you an apology Haley.'

'I don't want it.' She said crossing her arms over herself again. 'But I will tell you I'm sorry for the person I became to let you so easily get away with it, I was too naïve and maybe even too hopeful I guess a part of me always knew mum wasn't happy and when she left you weren't sad. Those emotions told me everything I needed to know. I was hopeful even after she died and then I lost it all again when I found out how.' Haley beseeched tears in her eyes now. 'It nearly killed me a second time dad.'

His gaze feel to the counter top.

'Some days it still does. But I have hope now because I'm in love.'

'With Nathan.' Her father said.

Haley nodded, the slight gracing of her smile on her features. She felt like she could breath. 'And it's something I think you've never had because I'm not even sure you have the capacity to love dad, maybe you did once but not now. So yea I guess I've always known you've had a bad heart.' She said sadly. She walked over to him then as she left down more of her words scrawled on paper alongside the picture of the two of them from when she was a child.

There were some things she just couldn't say now. Maybe he would read it. Maybe he would burn it. It didn't matter anymore.

She had to let it go.